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. April 2008 .
07/04/08 04:13 [Monday]
I recall that yesterday prior to about mid-afternoon I suffered effects of ASM, seemingly from two separate sources as the effects passed off and then resumed again before passing off again (so it seemed). I have (about ten minutes ago) taken a glass of water (already in the kettle and believed yesterday evening to be safe, but from a source I can’t remember and possibly a source decided by Dawn) with Andrews Salts in it. I say this because yesterday morning too I took something similar before the first troublesome effects early-ish in the morning (although I think it was Alka Seltzer on that occasion). I am reading my diary of yesterday morning to try to determine whence the unpleasant effects might have derived, although I seem to recall at the time I believed they were due to drugs taken in the day before.
My eyes are now (like then, yesterday morning) beginning to feel tired/sore and it’s difficult to deny the supposition this results from concentrating now (on typing, involving using the eyes to read from the computer monitor) while yesterday’s drugs are residually in my metabolism.
Yesterday morning I was thinking in terms of ASM - as I have in recent years when drugged with drugs which confuse my mental organisation - because I had the day before (that is, Saturday on our trip to visit Dawn’s family in Nottinghamshire) suffered from being given ASM. My presumption is that although there are different species of drugs which confuse my mental organisation and make it impossible for me to have the enjoyment of life I should have when able to do computer programming and (more significant and occupying a greater proportion of the time my mind is clear) think about things in such a clear way that programming them on a computer (such things as human visual perception) becomes a possibility, when the drug I am given is ASM I suffer in a particularly severe way - although not an acute way, because part of the suffering is blurring of perception (and especially of introspection) so that (as it were) I do not realise till afterwards how bad things were and how much better they might have been (over decades of my life prior to 2004 in fact, as well as much of the time since) - and am reminded of the wasted decades in which I suffered thus all the time, the result being that as the ASM wears off and my focus returns with my returning activity level I experience and express anger. With what I think of as opium (as far as I can make out) this anger does not arise although the hours I am under the influence are still wasted.
I mention that needing to think about the subject at all diverts me from what should be pleasurable ways of spending time in my retirement. The reason I think about the subject is I am still drugged with ASM from time to time and therefore naturally dwell on it this mechanism developed through evolution as a way of planning against future such suffering; and also drugged from time to time with other drugs creating confusion which necessitates further waste of time thinking in order to try to understand, as well as the incapacitation while actually under the influence. But for The Experiment I would not now this morning be thinking and writing this, and planning for my security against further drugging perhaps by illicit entry into my home to contaminate foods in stock, or wasting money on what should be unnecessary security measures.
07/04/08 04:58
Reviewing the evidence in the form of my notes yesterday morning (mostly now deleted) I conclude that Saturday I suffered drugging with ASM which affected me into yesterday morning but since then although I have been affected by other drugs (possibly exclusively, the drug I think of as opium) I have suffered no further ASM.
It is my belief although by no means certain knowledge that the coffee granules we have contain drugs, and on the basis of previous experience I have no expectation that if I complain to police taking the granules with me they will be tested or anything sensible result (and on an occasion last summer I took a drink bought at Asda Brierley Hill into Stourbridge police station with such a complaint the officer I asked said explicitly she need have no fear for what might transpire should I give the drink away) I shall hope to leave the granules we have somewhere they may do some good.
07/04/08 05:13
In fact I conclude I have been affected by ASM since around the beginning of April, because in anger Saturday morning (5 April 2008) - or possibly it was Friday night - I deleted a lot of what was on my computers including my diary since Sunday 30 March 2008 which was the date I last updated my website.
I ask myself why, if the idea is to find out about the effects of ASM or of combinations including ASM which produce in myself a simulacrum schizophrenia, I am not offered employment as a drugs tester in a more standard arrangement. The answer must lie in the way the present situation has developed, and ‘alterations to the environment’ - such as stooges being supplied to travel with us on trains - have been hoped to provide pretend symptoms of schizophrenia which I might mistake as symptoms of schizophrenia I was genuinely suffering myself. On reflection this applied to the events of last June which wasted my time again without prior agreement and without apparent payment to me, but the difference is that now I am practised at evading the opium-like drug which confuses my understanding (rendering me in the past detainable with some semblance of reason under the Mental Health Act). The ethics of drugging someone into such a confused near-stupor that he can be held against his will without the ability to convince those who should protect him that he is innocent are beyond my comprehension even in the clear mind I enjoy this morning.
But apart from the fact that I cannot wholly evade drugs including - should the decision be made that I should suffer - ASM, things look bright. I have sufficient ability to evade drugs (waiting if necessary for effects to wear off and then benefiting from the motivating effect of anger in the aftermath) and therefore to know to incur cost to try to discourage repeats.
07/04/08 06:01
Since drinking a glass of Relentless stimulant drink over the past (say) half-hour I am suffering effects of drugs including fear that things may be taken out of my hands because my mental capacity is confused. For example I may be detained under the Mental Act. The Relentless I’m sure was bought on a recent occasion from Sainsbury’s in Birmingham city centre. I have had to tip the remainder away for fear (as I explained) and I regret that Sainsbury’s and The Experiment have put this cost on me (of wasted purchases).
I am trying to find a record - including the Recorded Delivery receipt number - of the letter I sent to OFWAT recently. I believe I posted it at Wolverhampton post office on Friday 28 March 2008.
07/04/08 06:08
I am now suffering muscle cramps in my legs, urgency of need to urinate and nasal congestion. I believe my memory over the short term is becoming less good too. I regret that Sainsbury’s and The Experiment have put these unpleasant experiences on me. I am hopeful the drug-induced symptoms will not last long.
07/04/08 06:19
In fact the letter I was thinking of posted that Friday in Wolverhampton (together with a letter to my MP Ian Pearson which I sent Special Next Day and which was received Monday 31 March 2008, and other letters I couldn’t afford to send Recorded) was to Walkers Snack Foods Limited, and produced in response vouchers to the value of £6 in compensation for Walkers’ involvement in the unpleasures I suffer. The letter to OFWAT was dated 1 April 2008 (which was last Tuesday) and I show a copy. I cannot say yet if I was so debilitated by the drugging that it didn’t get posted.
07/04/08 06:37
I can now add urinary frequency to the urinary urgency I am suffering.
As regards the advisability of posting letters Recorded Delivery: last Monday (31 March 2008) I posted to Solihull Magistrates’ Court the details of my income and expenditure which had been asked for, but was unable to afford to send the letter Recorded so cannot be sanguine it was delivered on time (or indeed at all).
A letter to Bassetlaw Council informing them we have emptied the park home of furniture and therefore they owe us a refund of Council Tax I followed up with an email which someone at the Council acknowledged receipt of. Hopefully we shall receive no further summonses or purported summonses relating to the year 2008-09. (However we have not yet received the refund.)
A letter and two phone calls to National Savings resulted in a form to do with Trusts which I had not asked for but also a few days later the withdrawal form I had asked for. (Another the same should be on its way as only two of the three separate requests has been met, that is one incorrectly and one correctly.)
Two cheques remitted to British Gas and not sent Recorded may be lost but hopefully we will be given a chance to pay again before being cut off.
On Friday (4 April 2008) I managed to pay two months’ Council Tax to Dudley Council and am hopeful that Dawn has forgotten her insistence the water rate be paid. Because of the unacceptable service (if it could be called service at all) from South Staffs Water I am myself most reluctant to pay.
We had hoped to go to London next weekend for the Marathon but it seems most unlikely we shall be able to afford the Chiltern Railways fare.
07/04/08 07:16
I have now found the post office receipt for posting the OFWAT letter, last Wednesday (2 April 2008). I shall see if the Royal Mail website is currently working.
07/04/08 07:34
It is at work and shows that my letter to OFWAT (no reply received yet) was delivered last Thursday (3 April 2008) whereas my letter to Walkers Snack Foods (posted Friday 28 March 2008 and reply received last week, with vouchers for £6) has not yet been delivered.
08/04/08 03:16 [Tuesday]
These Olympus digital audio recorders are a great success, with webcams in support as required. My new desktop computer can be left on all the time (with provision for mains power failures) and setting my talking clocks to chime (speaking the time every hour) gives a clue on the audio recordings played back (bearing in mind silence is not recorded) what hour any events have occurred. In this way I can be sure, despite one of our rear security lights unexpectedly being on last night when we returned after a trip to Merry Hill (and there are one or two ways it came to be on), that no one entered the bungalow during our absence.
Unfortunately I was caused some trouble by drugs in coffee I bought at The Well Christian tea-room in Stourbridge yesterday afternoon, so I am now deprived of the pleasure of taking a break in there. Naturally even Christians are not exempt from Original Sin but I must say for me to be so deprived of sources of pleasure is unfortunate and (I have to use the word) unfair.
My very old version (1998) of VB doesn’t work properly on Vista so until I get a partitioning tool, most likely a Vista install CD, so that I can also install XP on it, I cannot do VB on the new computer and must persist with the Amilo Pro. This isn’t too bad a situation, although what I had had in mind was keeping the Amilo Pro securely sealed up in reserve.
I am about to drink a cup of tea made with almost certainly undrugged water, tea-bags bought from M + S a while ago (suspicions recently leading me to scan the packet) and Jif lemon bought at Sainsbury’s Wolverhampton one recent Friday.
08/04/08 06:30
The Christians (and anybody else) yesterday must have drugged me with only a minuscule dosage because reverting now to the clustering prog I left on Monday 31 March 2008 I find that the clarity of my internal envisagement of not only the sequence of logic the prog is supposed to follow but also the way the formula ∑ exp ( - (x - x0) 2 ) bears on actual points dotted about (on graph-paper, as it were) is so sharp that certainly for the nonce life is worth living again, with relative freedom from the need to think about security measures and the like.
What specifically I was internally envisaging started from the question how to convert a natural value for dparam (which the prog as left at the end of last month, but now slightly corrected, computes for a greyscale scan which putatively represents a lineage of text) into the number (and layout) of actual clusters (a question which came somewhere near solution last October, for which see the image at 10/10/07 12:39). The thing is (see the figure above) if B is a significant contributor to the (possible) cluster centred at A, then exp (- d x 2) needs to be non-negligible. This will depend not only on whether x is small enough given the value of d, but also how many dots are together contributing or potentially contributing to the clustermeasure (the ‘degree of clustering’) at A.
08/04/08 09:48
The world opening up further to my less distracted mind now (at least the world I have an interest in), I am enthusiastic that soon I might actually get back to character recognition following this diversion of over a year’s duration into Visual field analysis consequent on trouble separating over-inked characters which mistakenly run together. The technique debugged this morning produces the following:
At top is the version of the lineage passed to the PreprocessLineage procedure after initial estimation from a fairly arbitrary first guess at whitenessthreshold, this guess based on average greyscale across the input scan, that is the entire document; applying this initial guess through the use of an InitialAnalysis procedure which examines counts of pixels at each value of greyscale (0 .. 255) across the lineage.
The second version shown is the lineage after applying the technique finalised this morning, which computes local blackdensity region by region across the lineage, first determining (in the manner I have been hinting at) a ‘best’ value for the scale of the region contributing to calculated local blackdensity, and then discounting greyscale for each pixel based on its blackness relative to local blackdensity (that is, in very dark regions black pixels have to be blacker to count the same: this an example of going by change - that is differences or edges - in natural perception instead of by absolute measurements). It is clear that this has resulted in an effective darkening of tops and bottoms (especially) of characters where they are adjacent to whitespace (that is areas with very low blackdensity).
Processing thus far is quite quick (but still two or three seconds per lineage), but a thoroughgoing fragmentation analysis - which was the phase which by the plan as it was developing would come next (making use of procedures already written) - takes a long time, of the order of tens of minutes for each lineage. What I shall endeavour to arrange, as is the case in nature, is for higher-level recognition processes (thinking of which raised my enthusiasm for actual character recognition) to supervene at as early a stage as possible. If higher-level processes can recognise (an example I frequently allude to) a tea-cup at an early stage it then becomes less necessary for lower-level processes to pass through large quantities of information (provided a generalised version of tea-cup is sufficient, that is unless a connoisseur of tea-cups is processing the tea-cups).
To say this more fully: to speed processing as much parallelism (doing several things at once) as possible is good, and one aspect of this is lower-level detailed processing going on in parallel with higher-level pattern-recognition processing (but with some mechanism for freeing lower-level processes for application elsewhere as soon as higher-level recognition has succeeded sufficiently).
09/04/08 00:39 [Wednesday]
Soon after dinner - about 6.30 pm perhaps - the stimulant (presumably taken in more recently than the lunch-time sandwiches, in the half bread roll at about 4 pm in fact) was wearing off and effects of ASM more sedative than those felt earlier (say 3.30 pm on the bus from Merry Hill) supervened. The reason for the greater effects - that is a more marked stimulant effect, certainly by comparison against the preceding ASM effect similar to sleepiness, after the half bread roll, and the more powerful sedative ASM effect when that stimulant wore off (from around 6.30 pm as I say) - must be put down to accumulation, that is eating the half bread roll while drugs from the earlier sandwich made with Warburtons sliced white were still in my metabolism and not only at a residual trace level. Although I am still not completely free of drugs in my metabolism nonetheless my understanding is clearer, based on clearer access to memories, and it seems obvious that the Warburtons bread and the bread rolls (the latter bought yesterday on Brierley Hill market and possibly worth complaining to police about) contained a mixture of stimulant and ASM. I feel I can probably risk the marg we have in, on the basis that yesterday early morning eating it spread on cracker biscuits I suffered no effects. On the other hand I don’t seem good at noticing stimulant effects (in myself) except if they contrast with ASM effects already in play. Now I think, though, I do find it easier to notice stimulant effects in Dawn, which sometimes (as in Stourbridge Monday afternoon when she was affected by the drink she had had in the Christian tea-room) amount to violent anger bringing out her former ‘obsessions’ such as suspicion of unfaithfulness in her spouse (which I have to say, as an aside, have a basis in her history). I am also willing to trust - unless further evidence arises - the tea (made like that yesterday morning, with M + S tea-bags and Jif lemon) which I am about to drink.
Before 7 pm then I was in bed sedated by ASM in the half bread roll I ate around 4 pm. I have slept since then, getting up soon after midnight. Dawn was - naturally, given what I understand now about her reactions - affected more by a stimulant effect when we went to bed, but this presumably will have worn off and indeed now she is sound asleep.
The paranoia which I experience under the influence of ASM (or at least ASM combined with the stimulant which evidently is necessary to deter me from being completely knocked out under ASM, as I was knocked out through most of the 1980s until stimulant drugs started to be admixed in a very strange shift of policy around 1990 which causes me to wonder if whoever was prescribing then understood full well that I didn’t need antischizophrenic drugs but cynically would have me continue the prescription, but combined with stimulants which they would have expected more or less to negative the ASM) tends me to imagine that there is still a desire in The Experiment to drug me insistently into a state similar to schizophrenia and pretend that I genuinely am schizophrenic. At other, happier, times I tend to believe the Experimenters are content to hear what I have to say even if I manage substantially to evade the drugging. I suppose the thing is, it isn’t exactly that they are cynical in an evil way to continue insisting on the drugging, but rather that they still can’t get their heads round just how unpleasant it is for me.
I have been thinking (a bit) about the early history of the Experiment, and there are various complicating factors such as the involvement of Kate Bush. My guess would be along the lines that Armond and Kate Bush’s Dad were known to each other (several members of Kate Bush’s family having had the misfortune to study at Cambridge University and - a further semi-complication - having been on friendly terms with at least one member - later - of the band Pink Floyd, who in the 1980s made an album The Wall relating in a misguided way to schizophrenia) and some of my beliefs about the behaviour of Kate Bush were well-founded, including the content of the ‘messages’ originating from herself either with or without the understanding of her ‘advisers’.
I find I am tiring, and understanding things as I do better now, I can put this down to residual ‘sedative’ effects of the ASM - that is, mentally sedative effects - causing my mind to become full of competing ideas sooner than in the natural way it would.
09/04/08 02:09
Having been doing mainly visual work involving scanning images and editing them, I find again the truth that a change is as good as a rest; especially given that I am hopping between tasks and physically to and fro, because not only does my VB package not work on the Vista computer but also some of the exes written from it won’t work either.
Relentless stimulant drinks seem to be the responsibility of
Coca Cola Enterprises Limited
Uxbridge UB8 1EZ
09/04/08 02:45
I am now having some experience of (Kate Bush still in my memory) ‘fullhouse’ in my head. I think - and hope - this is more in rebound from ASM - given that I am doing this work hopping to and fro as I said, thus giving rise not (as before) merely to ideas competing for my attention but to all sorts of mental stuff including lower-level stuff based on immediate sensory and perceptual data - than from a stimulant drug newly taken in this morning (but I will note that I have now eaten some cracker biscuits spread with marmalade, as a second-best to toast which would require bread which I cannot trust). The best way to respond, I feel, is to do nothing, this often helped in my case by physical need such as to spend awhile in the toilet or to prepare and take food (both applicable over the past few minutes). I would however mention that the notion of taking somebody away from their familiar home context for rest in a strange place that is a mental ward is folly beyond folly, and must surely be founded - given that the stated aim is to give rest, eg from the pressure of work - in doctors’ insensitivity (student doctors’ Rag Day activities having some notoriety, I would mention in evidence) and failure to account for personalities different from their own; failure, in summary, to entertain unusual notions such as that change of place and scenery, and Other People (especially unknown or otherwise strange Other People), may not relieve stress (even if the Other People are solicitous, and if I have time I may revert to this matter which may be obvious to some readers anyway, that solicitude is an intrusion to some of us) but may exacerbate it terribly. I mention too that not weeks of rest but rather of the order of hours only is needed (however I realise that having patients under care for a shorter time might result - depending in the NHS case on the stance of the government paymaster - to a reduction in doctors’ incomes). In fact, something like meditation for an hour or two (perhaps with breaks for the less meditative) is something I might recommend.
I might do well - and one of the facts I was going to mention as I was resting on the toilet was that I am this morning reverting to an interest in my own history, as I often do when given ASM afresh (that is in its aftermath) but usually with more violent than ironic sentiments - to quote from my former website (the one on AOL I think) when I knew Caroline (who I have to say caused me confusion because I presumed that her knowing comments on schizophrenia reflected things known by the Authorities who I thought were either employing her or using her in some way):
Further discussions I have had with C were on the subject of what the professionals would call coping mechanisms. The difficulty in schizophrenia is maintaining a balance between doing too much and doing too little. I told her if she sat quietly in a darkened room at a reasonable temperature, perhaps listening to music like Bocelli, which she enjoys, she would not have schizophrenic symptoms. She could do this, as her husband is very willing to look after her in practical ways, for a while at least until [he] leaves her again.
(I have since concluded that the purported ‘husband’ must be in fact her brother.)
09/04/08 03:14
What I have found of what I wrote in 2004 is so interesting I quote more:
... On the outward journey there was some discussion with F [the six-year-old said to be Caroline’s daughter] what 17 plus 17 amounted to. She suggested 19. I made various suggestions how an answer might be determined. F initially kept asking for the right answer. I believe we said 54. F said this could not be right, I suspect because it is too big for her estimate. So we said 34. F would not believe this.
I would suggest it is no good relying on authority. If an authority tells you something, well it might be right but it might be said just to keep you in your place. I am going off the point rather, but it is up to each of us to determine for ourselves the truth and what to do about it. F finds school boring and following on from this I came up with some ideas for teasing the teachers. I said express to them the belief that 17 plus 17 is 19 and get them to prove otherwise. I also said ask to be shown a snowflake under a microscope. F as I say is very creative and given confidence could make trouble in this manner, giving the teachers the pleasure of phoning her mother and asking what is going on. Given confidence, her mother could cope with this and respond appropriately, I hope.
So anyway, the point is I bought F a calculator. Problems arose cos it was found when we were in a tea shop that the calculator gave inconsistent results. This caused great hilarity all round. I have since solved the problem by replacing the batteries. I have discussed the nature of truth with C and internal consistency is a fair indicator of truth. C is facing charges in the Magistrates Court in May. I have been through the case notes thoroughly. The apprehending officer says in his statement that C used the F- word a lot; he puts down exactly what he says she said. The other statements do not mention the F- word. They give more or less the same words the apprehending officer alleges she used but without the F- word. This is a failure of consistency and we draw our own conclusions. To continue: there are different versions of the statement said to have been made by the doctor who examined C in the police station. A statement said to have been made by a witness, a QC as a matter of interest who charges £250 an hour, cannot be located.
Evidently at this stage in 2004 I was completely avoiding being medicated, even surreptitiously.
09/04/08 03:48
I think the thing to do, for example to obviate a recurrence of the waste through deletion - waste caused by my being angered on being foisted drugs - recently of work I did scanning and then preparing images, is to put up on my website perhaps in a page for Work In Progress excerpts from my earlier years’ diaries as they are prepared. The thing then is, how much work should I accumulate before uploading it: this morning specifically? I do want to look up my diary for the late 1980s to try to determine with more precision when I started being given stimulant drugs in place of the earlier attempted solutions to my unfortunate reaction to the antischizophrenic régime, which included euphoriants and then antidepressants.
09/04/08 08:03
I have discovered a diary I kept in a separate notebook started about three weeks into my detention of 1987, but now the notebook stuck into my main diary Volume 11 (20th August 1986 to 7th March 1988 (part)) covering that period. At the start of the notebook I seem entirely free of antischizophrenic drugs, but on Monday 14 September 1987 ‘at more-or-less exactly 19h00’ I was given an injection. Thereafter although I haven’t read through everything I had to say, I can see from the deterioration in my handwriting (with fluctuation presumably corresponding to the injections wearing off over the week or two following each administration) that I was being given genuine antischizophrenic medication (claimed to be Piportil). In the diary entry of 19h06 (that is, immediately after being injected) I say:
The question arises whether, assuming the Piportil has no side effects, I shall agree to go on having it.
There is plain evidence I was being given the drug I think of as opium or a similar agent, rendering me susceptible to ‘advice’. On Tuesday 15 September 1987 I wrote
When a lady moved a cup from my table I took it as a sign I should move and indeed just caught the 10h18 (or thereabouts) bus to Stourbridge (a 556).
(I had travelled from the hospital back to Kingswinford to collect the post delivered to the PO Box I had set up in my plans to purchase a house in Keighley to run away to to escape the mental treatment.)
From the entry of Monday 12 October 1987:
I am now released on s.17 leave, having to return to D Ward once a week on Mondays (starting next week).
The following day: Last night I copied out more of my hospital diary.
And: 29oct87. [Thu.] 20h08.
Last night I read more Allied Dunbar and tonight I have reached page 181. I also heard Financial Report - gilts up 3/4.
Today I went to the hospital on the ambulance. In the morning I was allowed to go into Bromsgrove. I phoned my father and SKC (to buy 1500 Securities Trust of Scotland) and visited Bromsgrove Books. I had a coffee in Wimbush’s and caught the bus back.
At lunchtime I read the Financial Times and this afternoon did nothing but had an injection. I spoke to an interesting bloke on the way home: his name was Paul and he couldn’t stop talking. 20h13.
That entry ended the notebook diary.
My guess is that my Dad was bought off, presumably being advised that I was genuinely liable to schizophrenia and would have difficulty maintaining employment. He was always arguing - if I complained about the treatment - that I should accept the treatment in order to continue to receive State Benefits.
09/04/08 08:55
I now presume once again - this originating I suppose from what I have found myself interested in this morning so far, and what I have found out, showing quite plainly the advantage taken of me (for example in the use of the drug like opium to persuade me to give consent or appear to give consent, or certainly not to kick up too much fuss in opposition, when I was started on the purported Piportil) - that what is going on now is an assessment of what I have suffered, together with a confirmation I have not been schizophrenic in such a way as to warrant detention and forced treatment, in order to decide (a ‘Board of Enquiry’) what is to be done in the way of punishing the criminals and providing me with a pension. Going out just now to the utility room to turn off the security light I was surprised in a slightly exaggerated way to find that although the door onto the garden was locked and bolted in the complete way it should be, the stepladder I have taken to leaning against it (to make entry from outside even more problematic should anyone think to attempt it) was not in place. I did briefly consider whether I might have been hypnotised when I went out in the early hours to chuck the bread over the fence (most of it), but now believe it almost a certainty I was not. I did not set up any audio (or video) recording it’s true but I did have enough sense to put an egg in my pocket in case a repeat of the recent presumed assault took place (for the slower witted, the breakage of the egg would provide evidence difficult to conceal without pre-planning, should my memory have been interfered with later).
What I thought I might have been hypnotised into was providing evidence - like the above - for the Board of Enquiry, from my diaries from the past. Almost certainly though my righteous anger in reading of the subterfuges of September 1987 - and my interest in the history of the Experiment at all - and the ‘hypnosis’ theory all derive as an after-effect of yesterday’s ASM I suffered.
16/04/08 05:01 [Wednesday]
I am thinking of those now ‘running the show’ as Civil Servants in the mould of my cousin who works (unless he has recently retired) for the Land Registry. Their concern will be to find a way out primarily without the mistakes of the government machine becoming too apparent and salvaging what can be salvaged to set against expenditure incurred. What might be salvaged includes contributions I myself might make, either by turning into some approximation of a model citizen (as against my unsociable younger self and bitter resentful middle self), or by writing stuff of interest to researchers and perhaps capable of being used practically, or by shutting up in exchange for a pension (this last is possibly thought of). I mention ‘shutting up’ because I strongly suspect my website is now censored if not absolutely unavailable publicly as it should be.
These presumed Civil Servants of course have little knowledge of or particular interest in the human mind or its neural bases. They think in terms of economics and politics and I suspect nighttime voicing based on their way of thinking is what led me to write ‘essays’ relevant to such topics just after abandoning Nottinghamshire in December. The people who are (or were) delegated to ‘investigate’ or otherwise make use of me in respect of the human mind/schizo psychology have unfortunately proved to be disastrously incompetent.
My specific interest in practical applications like computer modelling of human perception (especially visual) is cognate only with the fairly obscure subject (regarded as a topic in mathematical computing) of character recognition and it seems the Civil Servants are having a hard time there also in finding anyone with any competence who as well as being competent has an interest in and knowledge of this obscure topic.
Regarding ethics and the giving of antischizophrenic drugs, I feel sure the explanation is that those with sufficient clout to arrange (for example) the drugging of our water supply from South Staffs Water have been mis-advised by the usual prescribers of these drugs, that is conventionally trained psychiatrists (who I may say have a faulty understanding of just about everything under the sun, which I have in the past blamed on their closely associating with the insane).
The things which recently are being perpetrated are based on goals I have recently had, such as getting webcams working and detecting nighttime voicing. It’s obvious that State employees are not going to be able to keep up with the things I do and want to do. Social Workers taking disabled people out and about cannot with the best will in the world replicate the sort of life their charges might have had, or could have with much improved aids to independent living.
To try to keep up the Army (or some branch of the armed forces) has been brought into our affair. The Army, while being employed by the State, have a greater interest in effective pursuit of goals than most departments. Unfortunately Army people have less regard than I do for the undesirability of physical assault and the like. Again I suffer from Other People’s way of thinking and going on being thrust on me. Would that there were still mediaeval forests available.
The solution is to pay me off with a pension.
16/04/08 09:29
I started writing to ‘the Authorities’ on Caroline’s suggestion, and not having any better address for them sent my correspondence to the address purported to be Caroline’s in Bristol. Likewise I addressed most of the remarks on my website to ‘the Authorities’ as a way of communicating to them the distress I was caused by ASM. The idea was that they would then understand their error and cease to administer ASM. At times though (and hardly ever nowadays do I imagine that telling the prescribers the ill that ASM does me will result in the rectification of their prescribing behaviour) I thought that withholding information from them would assist the reduction of ASM dosages (hypothesising that they continued to give the drugs for purposes of investigation, as I presumed more or less the whole ‘scheme’ was an ‘Experiment’ for purposes of research: I presumed any psychiatrist could see that I was not genuinely schizophrenic and hence not in need of drugs and the psychiatrists implicated must be clever and well-regarded to have power to order Bassetlaw psychiatrists - Dr G said he was only part of a ‘team’ so I presumed someone other than himself was really responsible for prescribing me the drugs, and I still think so - to detain me improperly). Recent deletions I have made (this month, April 2008) have been encouraged by the correlation I think I observe between reducing the information flow from me and reduction in ASM dosages. This still seems to me to apply, but only as a sort of moving average since I was drugged with ASM yesterday yet have not (willingly or knowingly) provided information in recent days, certainly not via my website. I could argue that hinting that I have ‘information’ which might get deleted should I be drugged too badly would be power to my elbow. As I was troubled by the idea of work required to type up handwritten notes I have made this morning I shall stick with this argument and put up on my website bits and pieces to show that my remarking is not entirely dormant.
17/04/08 [Thursday]
See also this:
22/04/08 02:52 [Tuesday]
Yesterday waiting on Stourbridge Junction station for a train to Birmingham - waiting longer than usual in recent months, which indicates to me that usually things are arranged so that we catch a train from the Town station just connecting with one at the Junction, the purpose being to ensure we are on a particular train from the Junction, on which stooges and minders can be provided - I was thinking thoughts along these lines: part of the reason The Experiment is in existence is to provide work opportunities, that is for stooges, especially when I was expected to be living - permanently, I suppose - in Nottinghamshire where there is unemployment consequent on the decimation of the coal mining industry. Now I get the impression that if I am not in the right place, that is if I exercise freedom to the extent that I travel to Birmingham (say) instead of remaining in Stourbridge, the overseers of The Experiment are not best pleased. The reason for the dismay must be that the work of stooges set on in Stourbridge (to stick to this particular example) and the remuneration paid are wasted. But if the stooges in Stourbridge are getting their pay still, and the idea is to get money to them in a makework scheme, well they are still getting their money so where’s the problem? The answer must be that - to change the location in our example by a hundred miles - if I am not in Nottinghamshire payments to stooges in Nottinghamshire cannot be justified.
So who is it has to say yea or nay to payments to stooges and what are they told the justification is for the payments? This question is a way of asking what The Experiment is ‘for’, what its basic purpose is (a purpose has to be thought up, evidently, other than its being simply a makework scheme for places hard-hit by unemployment). Somebody, for example, has to authorise the giving of directives to the police, otherwise the police wouldn’t know me from Adam and would take exception to somebody going into police stations time after time with odd complaints, such as that he has been given drugged drinks in cafés. In 2005 exception was taken to my phoning 999 so much to get taken to A + E complaining of drug ingestion, and this behaviour was mentioned in justifying my detention in Bassetlaw Hospital in the autumn. Yet at the end of that detention Dr G invited me - should I for example develop palpitations, as I did quite a bit under the influence of drugs I was then being given - to present myself at ‘any A + E’ in the country. It appears as though there was a change in that period - say between the summer of 2005 and the end of 2005 - in which it was decided that what was being got out of me (a lot of it being in the form of comments I put on my website, and otherwise I suppose information I gave under the influence of a truth-drug) made it worthwhile to provide services - or certainly not to continue to take exception - at A + E’s throughout Britain. In June 2006 we had quite a lot of contact with hospitals, because Dawn’s son was treated as if for appendicitis in Bassetlaw Hospital and also we presented ourselves at Worcester (Royal Hospital) A + E after I developed palpitations in Marks and Spencer in Worcester. That month was the month I started falling into a sleep-like condition sometimes in the daytime, first during one of our visits to Dawn’s son in Bassetlaw Hospital in fact. During my detention of the preceding autumn I had used to fall into this condition, presumably then due to the risperidone given initially by mouth and eventually entirely by injection, and my guess has to be that in June 2006 was commenced the surreptitious giving of risperidone (or something similar) by mouth, and possibly it was first done in a hospital setting so that medical assessors of the effects could be on hand. However in the summer of 2005 starting around April we had been surreptitiously given drugs with a sedative but also a confusional effect, drugs that is which I think of as opium-like. In May 2005 in particular I recall - and can check up in my diary from then - that the organisation of my ideas was frequently confused, and my sense of geographical position for example (based on an ‘overview’ in the form of a geographic plan, as of streets) was confused on a trip to Nottingham, seemingly in the week preceding Sunday 15 May 2005. One would have to guess that such confusion caused by drugs in the combination I was given, that is caused either by the opium-like drug or more likely by the opium-like drug in combination with ASM, is rare or unheard-of. The way I understand things now, the confusion results from interference with the effectiveness of the organising principle the frontal brain (in myself) exerts over lower- and middle-brain processes which have a schizophrenic level of dopamine responsiveness. I have had experience of this geographical confusion since December (2007) seemingly when I have been drugged in an endeavour to get me to return to Nottinghamshire (that is during Dawn’s detention there in December: I find my sense of chronology in the memories I have of the confused period is also subject to confusion, but the period I am referring to definitely was in December when Dawn was absent because detained in Bassetlaw Hospital). I have made clear how unpleasant it is (related as it is, I believe, to florid schizophrenia) but still it continues - or in December continued - to be perpetrated. Possibly those authorising it anew each time are not cognisant with the reports I have made in earlier years (on my website), and this amounts to a continuation of the situation of medical people accustomed to prescribe drugs to which unfortunately I have an idiosyncratic and most unpleasant reaction prescribing those drugs (to be given to me surreptitiously) without sufficient care not understanding the possible adverse effects on those unusually sensitive. Presumably either they think they know enough from their own experience prescribing or they look in the book - the BNF say - and it doesn’t say anything about reactions such as mine.
So there’s no guarantee at all that people who can authorise drugs which cause me so much hurt (ASM included) read my website, and in the future this situation will continue. My presumption would be that there are so many stooges accompanying us when I am affected that reports would reach the prescribers about the adverse effects, but the stooges (and the minders) of course need not be medically trained or told as part of their employment to look out for these adverse effects. Because of this strange surreptitious way of administering drugs, without any proper control on dosages, it is not possible for me to mention directly to the prescribers as I would to my GP say who might prescribe medication the adverse effects. (But then again doctors in the past to whom I have directly reported the adverse effects of antischizophrenic medication have not taken the appropriate action, that is of discontinuation. This applied from the time of Armond on.) I must suppose that what I have to say on my website is only a small fraction of whatever it is - in the way of information - is derived from The Experiment, and prescribers are not required to read what I have to say (about adverse effects).
Thus we come back to the question: what benefit is derived from The Experiment, or rather what is presented to authorisers of funding as benefit derived?
It is now 4 am and having drunk half a cup of water I find my eyes are noticeably becoming more tired. It seems entirely possible that in certain periods recently for hour after hour some cheaper sedative drug must have been pumped into our water supply to be lost most of it into the lawn. This would be justified in terms of the wasted cost of arrangements (including remuneration to stooges) if I cannot be drugged so as to be at the right place at the right time (drugged to potentiate hypnotic suggestion, that is). Again some benefit must be said to be obtained from my presence where the stooges (and other arrangements, that is the ‘altered environment’) are, and not all of the benefit lies in the employment provided for the stooges.
Yesterday on Stourbridge Junction station I was thinking - further to the above - about Mrs Thatcher’s attention to detail, meaning Civil Servants were not able to smuggle not quite proper expenditures past her without her noticing. Thus I am thinking in terms of the Civil Servants making the arrangements in The Experiment having to give to some minister an account of the expenditures incurred, and they need to be able to present also some projected benefit making the expenditures worthwhile. I am puzzling what they might present as an expected benefit (apart from additional employment, for stooges and researchers). I have to say that it seems most unfair that what I say - that is my exposition of the extreme disbenefit to me - cannot be got directly to the minister or other authorisers.
22/04/08 04:24
Risky almost desperate measures seem to be being taken in fact in The Experiment in the turn it has now taken, and the reason must be the waste otherwise (that is if I cannot be persuaded to be at certain places at certain times) of expenditures on arrangements. Yesterday early morning I was hypnotised at the front door and ‘advised’ to clear the audio recordings from my devices (in fact I seem to remember dwelling on the word clear in my diaried remarks yesterday morning). Still, eventually if I continue to be hypnotised I shall obtain and retain audio evidence of the voicing. I can take further steps to deter access to my hearing in the night hours (and last night before going to bed I put back up the front-door curtain to make a perpetration such as yesterday morning’s more difficult and risky of discovery). I was wondering yesterday after I had been thinking about what shame is, whether the notion was in the Experimenters’ minds because they feel shame at the advantage taken of me. The notion of doing something for nothing might have derived also from a desire to avoid the payment of compensation (or remuneration) to me.
I’ll see how this comes out as HTML if I use WordPerfect to convert it (Microsoft Word being discredited in my regard).
25/04/08 [Friday]
25/04/08 09:35
I mention that I seem to have rushed unnecessarily to instal WordPerfect (on this DIXONSXP computer from Currys Digital in the Bull Ring Birmingham, bought a couple of weeks back) and there is suspicion in the installation as a command prompt window flashed up towards the end of it. What I was going to say before getting diverted via the route of the WordPerfect instal was that it strikes me I solve problems the Authorities set for me - for example getting the Lexmark X2550 printers working (and making sure to have ink for them) - but do not in the way expected make use of what I thereby gain (the idea behind a new printer originally having been to print tracts publicising my case I think). Similarly I noticed the amusement given to an agent of the Authorities when on the bus back from Merry Hill having procured two webcams from Asda there (and because of the embarrassment involved Dawn doesn’t want to go to that Asda ever again) I said I might take them back to raise money to go to see the London Marathon which was showing the next day. (I regret the fact that The Experiment prevented me seeing the Marathon from the ringside.)
26/04/08 07:01 [Saturday]
It’s rather interesting this, in a way starting out from unpleasure: that is, analysing the reason for the unpleasure is interesting (and is good as yielding learning for the future).
I have been trying to put my 2005 diary as it was until a few months back on my website (then it was colinbrough.co.uk) into a form suitable for my current website. Having been at it for possibly two hours, I developed what formerly I would have called yawnative except it is slightly different today because there are no drugs in my metabolism (certainly no antischizophrenic drugs). Without drugs my power of introspection is good enough (with information from the memory of this condition of mind over past months) to understand that yawnative here is boredom founded in what I am doing (preparing the 2005 diary) being not a project of my own but a project suggested through nighttime voicing. Realising this I asked myself, well why continue? - give it up and go on to something of interest to myself. However it is not as clear-cut as that. Putting this 2005 diary up again is something I do myself want to do. The problem lies in the fact that doing it now, I am doing it to a timetable of the voicers’ choosing, and without having in my own mind a timetabled plan through which I can work, ticking off subsidiary ‘to-do’s as they get done. Doing this latter would give rise to pleasure (understood well enough from previous remarks of mine) but as it is, not only am I not ticking stuff off myself but further I am having no interpersonal-style leadership praise from the voicers, as one would - or might - if working for a team leader in a more sensible employment than this. In other words the voicers urging me to do stuff I do in fact myself want to do spoils the experience of getting it done, in effect by distorting the timetable I would develop myself for getting it done.
The solution - having sense and understanding all the above - is to break off here, take rest, and come back to it at my own leisure. This is slightly onerous as, not having had any plan of attack in my head for the project of converting the 2005 diary, I need now to pause for thought and tie up loose ends - which should have been tying up tidily as I went along, in what I like to call a rolling plan - so that I can come back to the task at a later time. Needless to say if I were affected by drugs reducing my acuity of thinking - in particular antischizophrenic drugs - I would hardly be able to cope at all. In the past, indeed, I have understood very little of this sort of thing going on - the interaction, really, of mind-altering drugs with not just advice or suggestion, but hypnotising suggestion which I have not had conscious recollection of.
Incidentally I am using the Amilo Pro to the detriment of what might be recoverable through undeletion from the hard disc, because it is so convenient to me and I do not understand what great importance there may be in the contents of the hard disc as it was.
26/04/08 09:34
Almost certainly I was mistaken earlier when I said there were no drugs in my metabolism. I think residual ASM from yesterday contributed to the yawnative, in fact, and now I have been too still in front of the Amilo Pro while it runs progs (mainly ones I have written myself, and not having a very professional user interface) trying to improve images from my diaries of the past, to be put on my website. Now I have become able to make use of another computer at the same time, to write this (the DIXONSXP in fact), but not as readily as entirely free of drugs I should. I am still not able quickly to jump from one back to the other (alternately) but at least ideas have come to mind for stuff to write - interesting stuff, as my reader will agree if I ever get beyond this preamble - not closely related to the image work.
The reason I conclude what is interfering with my mentation now is a residual effect of drugs rather than hypnotic suggestion (which I was blaming earlier) is that it is not so immediately easy a thing to say to myself: I’m getting fed up with this slow fiddling with images, so I’ll set it aside and get onto something else. I suppose however that whatever the cause is, unless I have in fact taken in drugs this morning (which is another possibility, and one I was giving more weight to a bit earlier) the reason for the worsening - that is to escape the ‘momentum’ drawing me to continue the image work is now more difficult - is mental tiredness after concentrating over such a period so far this morning.
The interesting thoughts which I started this diary entry to set down had to do with this very subject of altering course in mid-stream (as it were). That is, today being Saturday if we are to get money from the building society in Stourbridge where I put it in a passbook account so it isn’t too easy to spend, we must get ourselves there before about noon. Given ASM I know from experience I should sit and sit, pondering when to go and then later whether to go (as I am beginning to a little now, which doesn’t carry the happiest implications) and ultimately either not go or go half-cocked and make a mess of things through not having an adequate pre-plan in mind as I went.
But what I found interesting was not that (and that must arise either from the condition my mind is now getting into, possibly as I say due to drugs taken in this morning, or from the interests of the nighttime voicers which seem to have to do with the effect of ASM and in what way it is debilitating) but rather the interpretation of suddenly taking oneself off one thing - the image work, say - to do another (by which when I was thinking this I meant going to Stourbridge) as a discontinuity which naturally leads to an interpretation (of the behaviour and the neural processing underlying it) as digital rather than, for cases where one takes no definite decision and indeed no definite action, as analogue. Given ASM I for one behave in more an analogue way, in which if any change occurs in the direction my activity has (if there is any activity) it is a gradual analogue change not a step-wise or saccadic change causing one naturally to think of something digital (that is, for digital, either one thing or another and not fuzzy in-between or uncertain in some way in the middle ground). (I have to say, putting on even more of a mathematician’s hat, the idea of uncertainty or fuzziness crystallising into something definite, distinct or discrete reminds me of quantum mechanical ideas such as particles as wave functions, eg in the case of photons).
Just as pattern recognition as performed by many animals relies on sub-dividing the input field (say the array of retinal stimulations) into distinct units which can then be compared with similar units stored in memory, so when it comes to forming plans (using the frontal brain) in man the prerequisite is to sub-divide the sequence which is in mind - based on what has happened in the past and what may come about or be made to come about in the future - into units which in this case (the equivalent of patterns) can form up into causal sequences and causal networks. These units as I imply are separated (as digits are separate) by the discontinuities which I say are blurred by ASM. Therefore ASM makes forming plans more difficult, certainly in my case because given ASM I cannot think about one thing - one unit in the plan - without other units or things completely unrelated coming to mind at the same time. (However it may be that only in my species of brain does this occur and ASM may be a help in cases where the deluge of separate ideas is not, without drugs to reduce it, maintained in order by the seriatim process.)
26/04/08 16:01
We have been to Stourbridge to get money from the building society and to post my latest letters of complaint, then continuing to Birmingham to pay the Bassetlaw Council Tax refund cheque into another building society the main purpose being to cover a cheque I have sent off for a Disabled Person’s Railcard. Although I am not receiving DLA it appears I qualify by being on long-term Incapacity Benefit. Speaking of this - the fact that I continue to get State Benefit with no demur and no need to send in Doctors’ Statements even though I am not (officially) being medicated, and the fact that a purported speeding fine imposed on me in 2004 was falsely imposed because no points were put on my licence and West Mercia Magistrates Court staff were unable to help with tracing the false imposers (and seemed little concerned), and similar facts such as those involving interference with the postal service - it is clear that the scheme under which I am receiving special treatment (which I have previously used the term being looked after ironically to cover) is not a hole-in-the-corner affair but (to cut a long sequence of hypothesising short) is sanctioned by special legislation. I conclude that despite my presumptions that sensible people including any well-regarded psychiatrists consulted would understand the question well enough to know that I am not schizophrenic, it appears that no psychiatrist consulted heretofore has realised that I am not schizophrenic. It is not simply that Armond’s misdiagnosis has been perpetuated: it is that the whole - every member - of the psychiatric establishment in Britain knows nothing. One must presume further that self-interest in continuing to receive salary can’t excuse them even, but that every psychiatrist in Britain has the mind of a simpleton.
The thing which saves most misdiagnosed schizophrenics must be unconcern on the part of their doctors, which allows the patient to discontinue medication without too much of a fuss. What I do not understand is how comes it that I have been so absurdly compelled and tricked. I must presume that Armond and his successors genuinely felt that medication was essential, but this itself is odd as from what I have read (possibly more in the States than here though) some psychiatrists recommend drugs holidays to see if continuation is necessary.
26/04/08 16:33
I have had a meal and it strikes me the ideas behind what I was writing above are exaggerated this effect resulting from the drugs I ingested in Birmingham (presumably foisted when I was hypnotised on Moor Street station). My perception afterwards - on the train home - was that the couple with children sitting next to us could not miss the detrimental effect on me of the drug ingestion and on their reporting it I should suffer no further foisting. This notion was strengthened when I presumed observers on the bus from Stourbridge could not miss Dawn’s tears and report accordingly, that these drugs are most unhelpful and therefore we need suffer them no more. Indeed it is on the basis of this sanguine view that I find myself writing this now, thinking to be helpful (in giving in intention all sorts of information including from my old diary volumes). However I have felt similarly sanguine before. In June 2007 it seemed obvious that members of the home treatment team who visited me could not possibly genuinely believe I was schizophrenic. For this reason my presumption when I received my Care Plan with the following astonishing part of it was that it had been written in a way deliberately slanted to make me appear mentally ill.
27/04/08 01:18 [Sunday]
I must say I find myself puzzled, which I don’t think is entirely to be explained by the fact there are antischizophrenic drugs residually in my metabolism and therefore I can’t think well enough to generate a rich variety of hypotheses and confidently and accurately select the best. I am puzzled by what is seemingly the attitude of some psychiatrists and presumably they are not all motivated solely by having shares or other interest in pharmaceuticals companies, to the effect that antischizophrenic drugs can ethically be compelled on people who do not want them and that these drugs do not have a hurtful still less a harmful effect even in cases where the administree doesn’t accept them. I asked Armond on at least one occasion why, if the drugs did me no hurt, I did not accept them. The answer he came up with - half-heartedly it seemed to me, that is not himself convinced his answer was right - was that I did not want to admit that I was mentally ill. The first thing he said was, ‘You tell me.’ I read this as meaning he had little interest - certainly off his own bat before I queried him - in my reason for rejecting the medication: he thought of things from his own point of view, that is he ‘knew’ that the drugs did me good not hurt and uppermost in his mind was the goal of getting them into me. More recently in ‘The Experiment’ I have caught hints that the perpetrators ‘know’ that antischizophrenic drugs do me good not hurt, and uppermost in their mind is to get me to accept them or to trick me into taking them unawares. In 2004 some of my ‘buddies’ on AOL asked me for advice on getting round reluctance, like reluctance to deliver a public address. I said keep doing it and it will get easier, which I think they probably then took to apply to antischizophrenic drugs (or the ‘Experimenters’ they told of my advice applied it thus). It does not apply to the case of antischizophrenic drugs - that is continuing to take antischizophrenic drugs does not make it easier to accept them (except in that they defeat strength of resistance) - because of the effect of antidopamine drugs on learning. If one continually does something initially unpleasant - say exposes oneself to spiders, having initially an aversion - the reason it becomes easier is that the synapses adapt so there is after continued exposure less effect from the initially aversive stimulus, that is it becomes less aversive. This does not apply to antischizophrenic drugs - except to a very minor degree in becoming resigned (as I would put it) to initially unpleasant ‘side-effects’ - because the drugs themselves (especially at higher dosages) defeat synaptic adaptation. To be honest it beggars belief that it needs me - a layman - to explain Pavlovian habituation in terms of synaptic adaptation to supposed professionals, and this unbelievability is one of the things inclining me to suppose there must be an ulterior motive behind all professionals consulted on whether it is reasonable to continue foisting antischizophrenic drugs on me apparently saying there’s nothing wrong with the foisting, the ulterior motive being (as I say) some version of improper self-interest among the professionals, either in retaining their employment or in having a financial interest in the drugs companies or in banding together with Armond to excuse his (and others’) past bad behaviour. My puzzlement (intense in the extreme) arises from the unbelievability of any of these hypotheses really: that all psychiatrists consulted on the question are fools or any of the three versions of improper self-interest just listed.
As far as I can make out psychiatrists take the fact that giving antidopamine agents (possibly initially at a low dosage then increasing, the technique used on me by Dr G in Bassetlaw at the end of 2005) slows and eventually stops the forthcoming of complaints about being medicated to be a good thing. The patient who was uncooperative has become cooperative. They observe further that if the medication stops, the patient becomes more uncooperative than he was before, and may become violent. They seemingly take this to confirm that the medication is doing good, in preventing a worse decline into uncooperativeness and even violence which would have occurred had the medication not been being administered for the period. In other words at least giving the medication has prevented this increasing uncooperativeness and possibly violence - evidenced by its appearance when the drugs are stopped (if they are) - from having effect during the period before the cessation. Again it beggars belief that seemingly no one has understood the truth, that the uncooperativeness and possibly violence after cessation are created by - certainly worsened by - the medication, in an after-reaction of resentment suppressed (bottled up, that is) during the period of administration. My presumption now (close to certainty) is that this building of resentment is not a factor unique to my own case, or even rare, but is the case in many patients administered antidopamine drugs.
It follows that for the most part if you start someone on antischizophrenic drugs (for the right or for the wrong reasons) it will frequently be all but impossible to take them off the drugs, ever. I have ironically pointed out that this suits the profits of the pharmaceuticals companies, and suits the employment prospects of prescription-signers. But there are some medical conditions which require lifelong taking of medication, so why not simply accept the fact that schizophrenia (plus a syndrome originating from administration of antischizophrenic drugs for other reasons than schizophrenia correctly diagnosed) is such a condition?
Around 2002 I was living my life and not actively seeking to evade being medicated. I was less happy than I had been as a teenager, but some people are happier and some people less happy (and some are unfortunately extremely depressed) so that was that. Medical people (that is, psychiatric medical people) have concocted at least one measure of quality of life, and they use this - or some of them can, who know about it - to see whether their patients need some change - say in their medication - to improve their quality of life. As some readers may understand, in my view this is absurd in the extreme, to make a decision for someone else (on a formula which is subject to revision and even in dispute) whether they are living life as it should be lived. The patient - anyone, even the most evil wrong-doer in existence (naming no names) - should be free to decide how to live his life, except to the degree he is inclined to interfere with other people in a way they would rather he did not, especially by hurting them. (I catch a hint here from my subconscious mind that Armond should not be free, and my conscious belief is that hanging should be resurrected in this unique case.)
So what specifically is the nature of the hurt I suffer from antidopamine agents? (This may affect the amount of compensation I am in for.) God only knows how you measure hurt of this species, and Courts have more experience than I of
I can’t find what I was looking for, which is PSLE or something like [the good old internet tells me it’s PSLA]. (Astute readers will notice the mis-spelling in the entry copied from the Penguin Encyclopedia; I suppose Penguin now use machine copy-readers with inadequate programmers; you’ve got to blame someone, and Gordon can’t be entirely responsible for the recent history of education in Britain: Mrs Thatcher was Education Secretary in one phase of Ted Heath’s government and Heath was almost as bad as Wilson and Callaghan under whom people like Armond flourished.)
It amazes me the way my mind works without drugs: all these notions about blameability and measurement of hurt milling around.
If I am to be freed from the threat of drugs what I would like to do is continue - as a hobby, but possibly with some productive outcome along the lines of improved OCR software or other pattern-recognition software (such as voice recognition software) - my investigations of modelling human (and animal) perceptual processes on a computer. As regards money, what I would need apart from ‘living expenses’ (and Dawn’s interest would mainly be in buying stuff for the kids) would be computer equipment (and programming software, such as an up-to-date version of VB) which is becoming cheaper by the minute. In other words we don’t need a lot, Dawn and I.
As regards punishing Armond, my attitude is that because no punishment is going to be sufficient I do not want myself to suffer anything further (that is, any further drugging) in order to better assess the degree of his guilt. The man can go to Hell on his own time. My recommendation for British psychiatrists is re-training at Guantanamo Bay, and for trainee and would-be psychiatrists drowning as perinatally as possible.
27/04/08 08:43
If I were in the business of guessing, I’d say recent hypnotic suggestion has inclined me to write the earlier notes this morning in as ‘creative’ a way as possible, that is in a way as interesting and amusing to myself and by implication to people ‘like myself’ as possible (that is from a common gene pool), with a view to getting them on my website or otherwise secure from deletion. It is of course the right way to go, and in a few minutes hopefully they will get onto my website. The reason I publish what I write (as I have explained in notes possibly undeleted) is to ‘share’ with people from the common gene pool.
The said hypnosis may have been perpetrated overnight - the length of a VCVA recording made from a time yesterday just prior to our going out in the morning to Stourbridge is about 44 minutes, but I used the cheaper Olympus VCVA recorder and cannot download the audio so would have to listen to it all through (or make some arrangement as an investment for the future to put audio into the - or a - computer via Line In) - but more than likely the suggestion was included in the hypnosis committed on Moor Street station yesterday. (It is faintly possible that I am barking up the wrong tree and that the reason for my whimsy is merely absence of drugs, not suggestive hypnosis.)
By the way, WordPerfect is excellent.
27/04/08 09:53
Tackling the question of my misfortune yesterday from the effects of antischizophrenic drugs, it seems that drugs - most likely with an antischizophrenic part to them - were taken in in the early morning from the cups of tea, and the most likely suspect was the Jif lemon now all gone. I am slightly suspicious of water we have about the place in bottles, but my guess is that this suspicion results from hypnotising suggestion. It is not conceivable that any but a small fraction of water pumped to our taps and lost almost all of it into the lawn would be drugged, so sampling randomly from the taps and thereby building up a supply seems a very good way of getting undrugged water with less effort than going to the river. (On the other hand a trip to the river is a trip almost into the country with a productive outcome as well as being leisure: productive in slightly reducing the probability of having drugged water in store, and in providing an alternative in store should some stored water turn out unsuitable.)
27/04/08 10:24
I have drunk no tea so far (I have a cup in front of me) and taken no water since earlier being on such good form I can be sure I was undrugged. Since eating crackers within the past twenty minutes (spread with marmalade) I have developed effects of drugs, in a sort of stimulant effect including dull headache and aching eyes. The reason I am writing these notes is feeling my memory is made imperfect by these drugs (much worse so in the past) and unlike in the past I have less fear what might happen should these notes fall into enemy hands; hence I am in less of a double-bind.
More likely to be drugged than the marmalade are the Jacobs crackers, which are the responsibility of United Biscuits a large corporation with whom an adjunct of the Socialist State (‘the Authorities’) would expect and prefer to have dealings. Moreover I can read notions about blame attached to preference for sweet things like marmalade and ice cream being usable to discourage preferring them in the stead of commoner sources of carbohydrate (bread, cracker biscuits, potatoes: all most likely drugged recently). I agree with Marie Antoinette in this instance. On the other hand it did seem certain that Wall’s Vanilla-flavour Soft-scoop ice cream bought from Asda had been drugged. This ice cream is the responsibility of Unilever, to whom my letter has not yet been delivered making me think that originally - like the MP Ian Pearson (Dudley South) - they were not in on things and the post has to be delayed while they are got at.
28/04/08 05:22 [Monday]
I am pondering the possibility that the people at Bassetlaw genuinely felt they were there to ‘look after me’. Psychiatrists have weird ways of thinking, but Dr G seemed friendly enough even though it did not in the least occur to him that there was anything wrong with holding me in hospital, beyond the time ordinarily a patient would be held as he agreed - not admitting in any sense - I was being held when I asked him just before my discharge - on leave - in November 2005. In preparation for the discharge I was evidently subject to hypnotising questioning and urging:
Tue. 8/11/05. 04:23.
I feel invited to concoct arguments tending to ‘prove’ that I am mentally ill. I did say that I am so clever I can find arguments almost proving the unprovable. But in this case why should I bother? It is true that I question myself a lot, having doubts about a lot of things and turning them over in my mind, but constant indecisive self-questioning without any conclusion is a feature of ASM acting on me. In the past indeed weakened by ASM I have presumed I was ill and tried to make sense of it, but I never could reach the firm conclusion that I was mental [....]
There is no doubt I am mentally sound, and it would not be to my advantage to find arguments excusing those detaining and (in the past) drugging me. To detain me for upwards of two months [this year, 2005] because I presented the symptom of photographing my psychiatrist of last year is absurd and unfair. It is to continue the wrongs of the past although knowing how wrong they were.
04:55. ... In my own situation there is the complication that the Authorities’ experimenting sometimes introduces discrepancies. I used to think that sometimes They deliberately made errors to see if I caught Them out (this has to do with the elevation of the concept of deliberate will in cases where I was overactivated - with amphetamine I mean). Thus, considering the strange files on my Windows XP install discs: are they flawless, or constructed by the Authorities in their hope to corrupt or hack my systems, or are they counterfeit Microsoft software files unconnected with the Authorities? Or, as I have recently hypothesised, are they corrupt software found and recruited by the Authorities to Their own use?
The basic point I was making though is that the Experiment is an interference and complication in my life in ways the original Experimenters were much too simple-minded to foresee. If I had been doing things for myself my planning would have been much longer term, fuller and more complex than the planning by my hypnotiser aides. I would have made money by investing myself instead of going to the less competent Co-operative Insurance Society. I am much more motivated (and capable) in my own interest than any aide. The Socialist structure the Children’s Home when at all avoidable is to be avoided. Unfortunately by some weird Socialist legal process I have been confined in this Children’s Home, Bassetlaw Hospital [....]
06:58. What do I want and hope for for the future?
I enjoy sorting things out in my mind and understanding through taxonomisation. What I mostly find myself thinking about and find of interest is the human mind - I started some years ago with my own mind which Dawn’s is very like, but I enjoy being with others to a limited degree (in time each week, say) in order to be able to theorise on their behaviour [....]
I do not want my thinking distorted by drugs (or anything else notably pain). I do not want to spend night after night of discomfort away from Dawn [....]
15:28. Something said just now here on the ward causes me to realise that my mind has slowed without me having noticed it. This present lack of introspective tendency shows itself also in my inability to remember what I have been thinking about today. It is difficult therefore to be sure when the slowing started and thus where the ASM was which I must have taken, but gathering the evidence I conclude it was in the coffee at lunch about two hours ago. Coffee recently seems to have had polycarbophil in it which makes one suspect it also contains other drugs.
I have been requested to stay on the ward, presumably so that my environment can be artificially controlled knowing I will be under the influence.
Any effect of the ASM on my appetite or on feelings of hunger are <some word like swamped> by feeling empty when I have been to the toilet or full otherwise (effects due presumably to polycarbophil).
Dr G, it was evident, did not know (and would not believe) that I genuinely had been drugged surreptitiously in the summer of 2005 preceding my detention. One of the first times I was drugged that summer - for the purpose of hypnotising me, I think, rather than drugged with antischizophrenic drugs (certainly not for any purpose they are usually given) - was in July 2005 when the premiss of the hypnosis was to invite me to call for an ambulance and go to hospital. The ambulance staff I remember very keenly queried whether I myself genuinely wanted to be taken to hospital. I said I did, and Dawn and I were taken to the Queen Alexandra Hospital in Redditch where I was seen by a psychiatrists called Laki to whom I explained the reason I had come was to waste his time because I was resentful of the way psychiatrists had treated me in the past. We were released late at night and wandered for hours - or what seemed like hours - round the dual carriageways of the New Town of Redditch, I being under the influence of some confusional drugs possibly including antischizophrenic agents. The thing is it was not a hole-in-the-corner affair. The ambulance man knew I was a special case because of the way he carefully asked me if I myself wanted to go to hospital. The police also watched out - although not as much as in more recent times - when we were wandering about Redditch around 2 am.
The diary entry from Tuesday 8 November 2005 indicates to me that people speaking to me when I was in a trance-like condition were asking me for evidence I was mentally ill and almost explicitly saying that I could choose to be ‘looked after’ at Bassetlaw for the rest of my days if I agreed to be stilled - and silenced - with antischizophrenic drugs. These people must have been nothing to do with the ordinary arrangements at Bassetlaw, and must be the people my named nurse said had given directions I should be medicated even though he - the nurse - could see no need for the medication. More recently Nottinghamshire police have been implicated in what must surely be an improper scheme to try to keep me in Nottinghamshire under the influence - backed with the easy possibility of compulsory detention - of Bassetlaw Hospital. The whole affair is unbelievable. Dr G himself said unbelievable things were done, including the bugging of phones. The people perpetrating these unusual procedures - surely needing special legislative sanction - must have put forward some good reason, in other words hiding what by my guess was their real motivation, to protect Armond and his co-perpetrators from earlier years. The reason they put forward, I presume, was that they were investigating schizophrenia, this being my best guess from the outset why I had been abused as I had, a guess I had relayed to various people at various times including via my website. If this reason had been officially accepted - eg by Nottinghamshire police - as seemingly it was, all sorts of interferences could be perpetrated for example with my attempts to communicate (a letter I wrote to Microsoft in the States was not delivered in September 2005, and my guess must be that it was stopped this side of the Atlantic). Lately it seems a fair assessment has been undertaken whether in fact I am lunatic, taking account of my allegation - which turns out to be true - that given antischizophrenic drugs plus hypnotic suggestion (potentiated with an opium-like drug) I do present symptoms as if of schizophrenia.
This must be it surely: official bodies like the police (certainly Nottinghamshire police) and most psychiatrists (like Dr G) have been told what can only be regarded as a complete falsehood by people who understand it is a falsehood, that is the official people have been told that I am genuinely schizophrenic and am ‘under investigation’ and to the degree my lunacy allows I am co-operating in the investigation. If I am allowed off medication - and into freedom - it is alleged I may become violent, abusive to Dawn, a danger to children and incompetent to look after myself to boot. The people making these allegations surely have the mens rea: they know that it is basically a load of tosh.
Hence my conclusion (close to certainty) is that what has been going on recently is indeed an investigation - not by a Board of Enquiry as such, but more a criminal investigation - including such questions as what I can be persuaded to do given various combinations of drugs and hypnosis, and latterly what I think of giving medication to Dawn for her supposed mental condition. Dawn is not lunatic, not in the way Caroline was (and is, I suppose). Dawn is shy and retiring, and the psychiatric services have treated her - to the extent they have treated her at all - improperly. In fact she does not need medical treatment, she needs guidance - for example, had I not come along, guidance into a nunnery. Even her friend the former chaplain at Bassetlaw did not give correct guidance, and the reason for this is that no one (it seems) has a clue about the ‘schizo’ mind and to be honest, no one is very interested. Those employed in the psychiatric services are almost all fools evidently, or in the lower reaches simply there as an available employment now the mines have shut down. (However some of these latter, regarding the job as merely an employment, make the best carers: for example my named nurse mentioned above. If they are in it merely as employment they do not stress too much, and do not stress overly the vital necessity for patients to ‘get better’.)
29/04/08 09:21 [Tuesday]
I remark that one of the bulbs in the main ceiling light in the living room has blown.
29/04/08 09:40
It strikes me this is almost a political question now, what ‘The Experiment’ has become. A possible interpretation of what is being perpetrated - especially given my comments on Socialism, and the Experimenters’ barely troubling nowadays to conceal their dismay or anger when my actions do not concur with what they think should be (for example when I complain on Dawn’s behalf when she is foisted ASM - more on my own, really, in that I suffer from her staticisation) - is that I am induced (through improper means such as hypnosis potentiated by drugs) to perform acts which cause me trouble at a later date - for example make deletions from my computers (although this I do only by virtue of The Experiment going on) - or in other ways I am given (or invited to develop) motivations, and then an attempt is made to demonstrate that I can’t achieve the motivated end (or look after myself enough not to suffer by my own hand - helped along that is with improper hypnosis) without recruiting the assistance of Other People. It strikes me it is totally ridiculous to hypnotise me - it is Other People who hypnotise me, not sheep or robots (for both of which species I have high regard) - and then invite me to look to Other People for succour rather than to myself. (Mind you, Dawn’s OK, when not drugged too much.)
29/04/08 10:40
About five minutes ago I ate half a round of Kingsmill bread which Dawn chose last night at a mini-supermarket in Brierley Hill. Now I think I begin to detect unfortunate effects. On the other hand as most of what I feel seems to be anxiety - that there may develop ASM effects, for example - and the onset has been so quick, it may be something like adrenaline only.
29/04/08 11:52
Dawn has drunk about half her cup of tea with the suspect sugar and whereas before she was getting prepared to do gardening, now she has felt a need to retire to bed.
29/04/08 14:03
Looking back at my hypothesising this morning I can see that while what I said is faintly feasible as a hypothesis, to hold it in mind centrally as most likely was a mistake and was caused by ASM affecting my brain. This morning I thought I had taken in ASM from lemon squeezed into a cup of tea, but more likely it strikes me (now) is that the effects were carried over from yesterday, presumably from an antischizophrenic drug in the meal at McDonalds. I was rendered unconfident this morning as part of the effects and was giving a lot of thought (coming close to what I would call desperate) to unravel the way of thinking of those harassing me, the better to foresee how the harassment might evolve. In a sense I regret going to the police yesterday (first telephoning them from the call box outside Kingswinford library) but as I cannot tell whether the drugging was scheduled to cease anyway (at the end of April presumably) and in fact still can’t be sure the harassment has stopped, I think it was the best thing I could do. We had a trip to Brierley Hill (via Stourbridge) and in retrospect I see the barriers at the top end of Bank Street must have been put up in a hurry when it was known we were approaching, which gives me heart that we are relatively unpredictable for which read free. On the other hand my prediction from that would be that the bread Dawn chose should be uncontaminated, although possibly a relatively innocent sedative was provided - Valium, say - for such eventualities (all over the borough or even all over the West Midlands, possibly) and smaller stores are able to keep a closer eye on individual stock than supermarkets proper (to ensure the wrong people don’t buy the drugged stuff). Also - and readers will understand that I feel this way - smaller organisations (including self-employed shopkeepers and their families or small-scale workforce) have a greater interest and natural motivation.
On reflection also I can see the correlation evident to the police telephonist to whom I complained on our return - or to those she reports to - between the drugging with ASM yesterday and the angry urge I felt to take action (there was a stimulant included also, from the tapwater I thought at the time but presumably in fact combined inescapably with the ASM) as compared to this morning - and now this afternoon - when although there is a possibility we may go out most likely we won’t: we are free to choose, indeed.
30/04/08 05:32 [Wednesday]
My mind now free of drugs - certainly of antischizophrenic drugs (although I should be careful in making such assertions if subject to a legal process where evidence matters, as I’m sure I can be induced when under the influence of ASM to say and even to believe that I am not under the influence) - I can form more numerous and better hypotheses in a given time (to try to explain events in the world) and can select more confidently (and accurately) the best. The best hypothesis in theoretical terms would be that which, on average over the longer term, leads to longer persistence of the organism deciding (me in this case). Even this is not entirely clear-cut, as the question arises whether it is ‘better’ for an organism to persist longer himself if it is at the expense of producing issue. In other words if I have a choice between living to be a hundred but having no kids, and on the other hand dying at 50 but having ten kids, which is ‘better’? And of course there is the question of the ra