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. August 2008 .
02/08/08 05:23 [Saturday]
The past two or three days I have had a lot of pain, resulting in difficulty moving about and especially first thing in the morning, in my lower back. My best guess is that this results from the drugs foisted, and part of what leads me to think this is that Dawn in the past has been all but incapacitated for days at a time by just such a problem in her back and it has been when she has been on stilling antischizophrenic medication. I would theorise in terms of such medication reducing the movability and the actual amount of movement of joints and in particular during sleep. Probably merely an effect of reducing muscle tone causes problems, the tensing in opposition of pairs of muscles even in the absence of much nett movement I guess keeping the skeleto-muscular arrangements in working order.
Almost certainly in recent days I have been foisted reserpine in continuation - as a variation on the theme - of trying out antischizophrenic drugs on me with zero or very little counteractive stimulant. As on at least one other recent occasion, yesterday evening I was in so much distress from the drugs foisted, seemingly in a Mars bar bought on Wolverhampton station in yesterday’s case, that as soon as we had got our water safely home - we had been out to Birmingham International, to the airport as a randomly chosen location to buy hopefully undrugged water and bring it home in a safe this procedure based on interference the day before with water bought at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill at a time I was subdued with hypnosis (made insensible to what was being perpetrated, that is, or equivalently the memory removed through hypnotically induced amnesia) when Dawn had just bought a mobile phone from Planet Mobile adjacent to the O2 shop at the Merry Hill shopping mall, so that the supposed Evian on arrival home contained drugs with a stimulant component in them (but also a component of antischizophrenic drugs) - in so much distress that we went immediately out again, up to Merry Hill for coffee at Pizza Hut which I fully expected to contain counteractive stimulant drugs. The combination in the supposed Evian bought at Sainsbury’s Thursday created difficulty for me yesterday morning when driven by the stimulant (feeling angry in fact and the anger exacerbated by the failure of the police to take reasonable action) I was using Dawn’s existing mobile to phone the West Midlands Police non-emergency number to try to get the phone stolen just after its purchase at Planet Mobile blocked. One would expect the police to be enthusiastic to get a block put on any stolen phone to render it useless to whoever has stolen it, but the lady I spoke to at Brierley Hill said she would not circulate the IMEI number to the mobile phone network providers - even though I gave it to her over the phone - until I had reported the details of the crime - and she doubted if it was a crime, thinking someone might have taken the phone (even though left lying on the Planet Mobile counter in a Planet Mobile wrapper) to Merry Hill security, without checking with Planet Mobile or customers milling about whose phone it was - reported details of the crime in person (I say) face to face with police, and police would phone the mobile I was phoning Brierley Hill from (Dawn’s present mobile) to arrange later on yesterday to come to see us at home. Needless to say they have not phoned and have not come to see us, and the stolen mobile is still not blocked.
02/08/08 06:25
Having suffered agony trying to get to use a laptop which was in the lounge - I had been using the Amilo Pro which was in the utility room on security duty, using it because of its height above the ground (on top of the fridge freezer), when I thought it better not to sit down as it might be very difficult to get up again, but after writing the above found I was stiffening in a posture too erect - because it entailed moving so much stuff and in particular bending to a low table to get the laptop (let alone its power supply lying on the floor and plugged into an extension on the floor), I had to wake Dawn and get her to rub onto my lower back ibuprofen gel. Thinking then - and led to think it because of what I found empirically as I moved about (but without stooping too much and certainly not to the ground) - that if it was the case that too much stillness originated the back-pain problem then suitable movement might ease it, I started pacing about. I find the best helpful movement - and it is indeed helpful, and as the day advances as with my mind so with my body the increase in activity is an increasing benefit - is holding onto a ledge at a suitable height (the kitchen counter in fact) and bending the knees, rising and falling in an exercise one does see athletes and gymnasts practise.
It isn’t clear to me whether keeping wrapped up warm would be most helpful, or exposing myself to fresh air which at this season of the year isn’t cold but at this time of the morning cool. On the rule of thumb that drastic sudden change is not good I have just changed into a thin night-shirt having become sweaty in a towelling dressing gown I had had on since getting up. I have opened the kitchen window to enjoy, as I say, the fresh air.
Pursuing my enjoyment of coffee, too, I have made a pot of perc using water bought yesterday at the airport, and the Douwe Egberts Medium Roast bought the previous day at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill which it seems I was right to think undrugged.
02/08/08 06:53
I have succeeded now in changing pyjama trousers which were too restricting in the leg for boxer shorts (which may prove to be too restricting round the waist). I’m all for self-help (Dawn would willingly help but is knocked out, seemingly by drugs in yoghurt she ate last night and the first effect of which was to make her critical and sarcastic so the yoghurt surely contains a mixture of stimulant and ASM with the stimulant predominating, certainly to start with in the effect on Dawn as an individual: in other words such mixtures of drugs with broadly speaking opposing effects will affect individuals differentially) and because the drugs affecting myself this morning, as regards their dosage and their tendency to cancel each other out, allow me to experience ‘achievement emotion’ (in a mild not an exaggerated version) I am pleased with the results of my efforts, both the results in themselves and what I am learning from trying out methods (which have thus far succeeded, with the bodily difficulties certainly, that is mainly the back-pain difficulty).
02/08/08 07:08
I drank only half my cup of coffee at Pizza Hut yesterday evening and it did indeed contain the counteractive stimulant (leading me to mention the drugs in me this morning tending to cancel each other out). I drank only half a cup because I didn’t want to over-do anything, and I cannot find it in me to trust those supplying these drugs - their ethics or their sensible understanding - not to make matters worse, either deliberately or through their folly. Last night the effect of the drugs then in me in their relative dosages then was to make me faintly paranoid and wonder yet again if the idea is to drug me to do things I can be detained for under the Mental Health Act (the reason would be to cover up not only the mistakes of the past in treating me as I was treated but also the waste of taxpayers’ money in continuing with this scheme). My mind was turned to the possibility of my treatment under the Mental Health Act - by compulsion or after unfair and over-vigorous persuasion - by comments in a letter seemingly a reply to one I sent recently to the West Midlands Chief Constable suggesting I should place myself in the hands of the local NHS Mental Health team (with an erroneous assertion that I was lately ‘not engaging’ with such people) and a statement which could be interpreted as saying the police wash their hands of me and will no longer protect me (that is, from improper mental treatment). All this in my mind was tinged not so much with fear but more with depression, and this tells me the antidopamine drug included was probably reserpine.
My paranoia was fed also by events at Argos Merry Hill which let me know the perpetrators are trying to find out what I have against the Argos digital safes I describe as ‘defective’ (of the two versions with the same catalogue number), my presumption being they will try to make these defective safes acceptable to me. What I have against them is that (somehow) they allow the perpetrators to find out the combination number, so that if I use that same number on all my safes they can open all the safes not just the ‘defective’ ones. I therefore now have the problem that in a while the Argos safes may be altered so that I cannot tell which (if any) are trustworthy. And the police, whom I have asked for crime prevention advice (hoping to find alternative suppliers of digital safes), have not contacted me on that matter (crime prevention advice) any more than they have contacted me in a helpful way on any other matter.
The notion that the safes might be altered to trick me (in effect) into accepting ‘defective’ ones is cognate with the notion (voiced almost explicitly by voicers for ‘the Authorities’ a few months back) that if they could determine what I find problematic in antischizophrenic drugs they might be able to change it (meaning ‘side-effects’) so that I could continue to be given the drugs. This misses the point (it may since have become clear even to fools such as they are) that what I find problematic is the very antidopamine effect itself, which is what defines an antischizophrenic drug. Drugs which block dopamine and may be helpful to some genuine schizophrenics are unhelpful to me because of the wiring of my brain. (To be honest, I believe it is so in Dawn’s case also, and perhaps in many cases of supposed schizophrenia which really are not schizophrenia but schizoid personality.)
02/08/08 07:34
I think the only other thing I have to say for now is that the stimulant drugs in the Pizza Hut coffee resulted in muscle cramps I suffered in bed, early in the morning just before I woke up this morning and as I woke up. Oh: and the stilling effects of antischizophrenic drugs recently foisted result in my being constipated now for several days.
Oh: and I thought I might go into my theory (most likely correct) why the police have been instructed to say the things they do (eg the woman I spoke to at Brierley Hill yesterday morning, and when I complained about something in my most recent visit to Stourbridge police station - both of which led to my being promised visits which never came to pass) but I think I’ll leave it for now.
03/08/08 06:56 [Sunday]
I got up about an hour ago and say forty minutes ago took some Andrews Salts dissolved in the last of what according to the bottle was Evian, but in a 1l size and not Evian bought recently at Sainsbury’s and (the latter) almost certainly drugged. I mention this because it is faintly possible the drugs I suffered yesterday - which, although a mild dosage, made me sleepy earlier last night than should have been, and incapable of concentrating on much of use from an even earlier hour than I became sleepy - it is possible those drugs came from the Andrews Salts I took yesterday morning. Most likely though (in fact a virtual certainty) is that they came from the Evian recently bought from Sainsbury’s Merry Hill as six-packs of 1.5l bottles. Five 1.5l bottles remain from the more recent purchase - that was two days ago, I believe: on Friday - and four remain from the preceding day’s purchase (the day Dawn’s new mobile was stolen: Thursday I believe) in the loft, supposedly as evidence that we are indeed supplied drugged water. Probably though I have been advised hypnotically to retain this water, and yesterday morning the five bottles of the more recent purchase I actually put in a safe as a kind-of ‘ultimate’ reserve, before realising they were drugged and realising the folly of trusting Evian from a supplier known to supply drugged water (that is, Sainsbury’s) especially when the Evian this time was not chosen using any randomisation and moreover similar Evian the day before had been found to be defective. Having put it in such detailed and explicit terms it seems clear the hypnosis in question will have been part of the perpetration nearby Planet Mobile on Thursday (if it was Thursday), of which I have audio recordings (copied in several secure locations) although I have not wasted my time (as it might be) listening to them.
I suppose one advantage of finding out for definite what I had been hypnotised to do (by listening to the audio secured) could be to find out whether I was hypnotised to buy this laptop I am now using - a new Vaio - because if I have been (and it seemed very reasonably priced, from House of Fraser in Birmingham city centre yesterday) it might be a risk. As I have sought to explain many times previously, but my readers of earlier years in the psychiatric types pursuing The Experiment in those days and hopefully now supplanted or certainly augmented by sensible people costing the country more but safer for me personally and thought to be worth it because of the folly being found out which is done to psychiatric patients by psychiatric carers and ultimately responsible psychiatric doctors, my former readers understood next to nothing (and next to nothing is a minus number): as I sought to explain to them, the risk I face - the only risk of any significant magnitude, and of such a magnitude as to far overshadow any other risks (more common risks, I mean, like thefts of mobile phones or ordinary viruses contracted into one’s computer from the internet) - is the risk I may be drugged with antischizophrenic drugs and the ultimate threat that I might be drugged with them in perpetuity, either following compulsion or following some sort of trickery on which my willingness and ability to defend myself (I used to think) might be zeroed by the drugs themselves. This latter possibility, though - trickery after which I become incapable - I realise now is an impossibility, and the reason in 2006 I had so much difficulty fighting the drugging was that because I was being injected, even though sometimes I suspected the injections were placebo or a lower dosage than they were said to be, I saw less point in striving - using the onerous methods I now use with success, including going to locations as far away as Birmingham airport, randomly chosen, in order to ensure a supply of undrugged water - less point then because even if I did succeed in obtaining food and drink entirely free from drugs I was still being injected with drugs which might be (and I now conclude were) the genuine article.
I mention (what may be plain to my more sensible readers of recent acquisition) that I am much more forthcoming now in my communication (mainly through my website) - even suffering perhaps the same dosage at a given time that in the past would have curbed my forthcoming - because I have confidence the drugging will not go on permanently and forever. Given a freely available (for £1.69 a cup) supply of counteractive stimulant drugs in coffee bought at Pizza Hut Merry Hill is a great help, for example, because I know I can put an end to suffering when I am suffering (from failure of evasion), so - the upshot - because I have little fear, and that fear fear only of temporary inconvenience, I have no need to be secretive about my evasion methodologies.
03/08/08 09:49
I have been fiddling with the new Vaio (whose keyboard for one thing is excellent as regards discouraging mis-keying) to try to create a third partition. The Vaio I formerly had came with three partitions - that is the recovery partition, C: and D: - but this one was set up with only two (that is, without D:). I initially put in the Vista install DVD bought at Planet PC in Worksop in June to use as a partitioning tool, and did thereby create a D: partition. Trying then to install XP on the D: partition from one of the CDs I have complained to police about thinking they have been switched by illicit entrants (because formerly these CDs worked but from January of this year, as far as I could see, they didn’t) I got the accustomed error message which now comes with these CDs, used on most computers I own: ‘Unable to find any hard drives’. I am therefore now in the process of using on the Vaio the recovery DVDs I created yesterday evening after initially setting up the Vaio. I find there is a facility in the recovery process for creating a D: partition so that the Vaio, in a few minutes from now, will be much the same as the one I had formerly, with recovery partition and C: and D:.
In doing all this - which has met with Dawn’s disapproval in that in the past I have ‘ruined’ computers or at least their operating systems by this sort of procedure when I didn’t understand what I was about - I have learnt. What I have learnt is not only how to use the Vaio recovery DVDs to create a third partition, but by reflecting on the error message from the XP CD (now in the absence of ASM affecting my thinking processes and the adaptability of my synapses) I realise that what is needed on some computers will be driver software installed before the XP install gets going, to allow the system hard disc to be accessed. In other words some BIOSes cannot themselves access the system hard disc (and presumably it is so for older-version BIOSes only). The Vaio BIOS is most likely an older version, because of the screen resolution set (by the BIOS) when the BIOS is displaying its stuff in white-on-black. The BIOS on the DIXONSXP, on the contrary, is a super-duper BIOS possibly the most up-to-date you can get (I can tell it is so because of the great variety of its facilities). These newer BIOSes (another point) make use of the hard disc to either shadow themselves - in other words the BIOS code is copied to the hard disc and runs from there like a Windows OS prog or a user prog - or certainly make use of the hard disc for things like buffering. This makes it possible to interfere with the operation of the BIOS by corrupting the ‘shadow’ on the hard disc. When such a BIOS comes on on booting the computer, it will look at what is on the hard disc (in sectors or cylinders reserved to the BIOS) and alter its behaviour according to what is found. If the data in these reserved sectors can be got at - say on connection to the internet - the BIOS will thereafter operate in a non-standard (flawed) way, and will not necessarily ever rectify itself. In fact it might with particularly difficult hacking (from the internet, say) go from worse to worse, that is cause the computer’s operation in all its aspects to go from worse to worse. I think this must be what happened on the Amilo Pro from the autumn of 2007 on, resulting in my being distracted for months down the track of trying to fix that system for good so that it would not go wrong again. I was hampered of course by drugs being foisted (otherwise I might have learnt earlier all this I am now able to explain) but also by the presumption I had - based on events in the past (for example in October 2006 when the Packard Bell laptop I had went wrong) - that the flaws had been deliberately introduced by ‘the Authorities’ (that is, they were not flaws which an average user connecting to the internet might suffer, and which I could hope might be prevented by standard antivirus software). Whether the flaws starting about October 2007 were deliberately perpetrated as part of The Experiment - or resulted as an unexpected effect of software corruption perpetrated by The Experiment - I do not know, but what I am saying is corruption introduced in the past as part of The Experiment leads me to suppose standard methods like conventional antivirus software will not work, and this leads me - or has in the past - to spend freely on unusual methods often in fact on the purchase of a new computer.
In cases where the sectors on the hard disc used by such a BIOS have suffered corruption there should be - and in any BIOS sold in a computer not got at by the Authorities there will be - means of resetting the BIOS - and by implication the sectors on the hard disc it uses - to their default state.
The hard disc driver software needed before the XP install on some computers with older BIOSes is (I now realise) to be installed when the XP setup enquires towards the beginning if you need to install any ‘third party’ drivers. Presumably I can obtain such driver software by download from the website of the hard drive manufacturer (to install XP on the Vaio, for example). Otherwise the solution may be to run the install - or boot the computer - from an external hard drive (attached through USB, I presume).
03/08/08 13:32
What I said was not correct in that the XP install from the CD which seems to have been exchanged for a flawed version (one of two identical CDs seemingly exchanged) sometime prior to January 2008 must be able to access the system hard disc because it gets as far as copying the initial driver files. That is, unless these initial files are copied into RAM for direct use there.
What I have done so far is use
winnt32.exe /syspart:drive_letter /tempdrive:drive_letter
to copy the initial driver files to an external USB hard disc so that that external hard disc can be used to boot a computer for XP to be installed (ie using the above command-line causes the said hard disc to be marked bootable). Plugging the external hard drive into the Vaio and setting the BIOS to boot first from such an external hard drive works up to a point. The initial driver files are copied to the Vaio system hard disc (or into RAM, but I believe onto the system hard disc), and of course much faster than from CD. The setup then recognises the presence of the external hard disc but not any hard disc within the Vaio (this at the point it usually fails saying it cannot find any hard discs). Choosing then to install Windows onto the external disc it starts off but soon fails with a STOP screen. I conclude that when the hard disc access ceases to be by the direct method used by the BIOS (‘INT 13’ I think) but instead uses a driver file possibly disk.sys provided on the install CD (in a compacted form as shown below), hard disc access goes wrong.
03/08/08 15:52
Getting things done in a satisfying way, that is a way giving rise to pleasure which is more or less ‘achievement emotion’ but not the exaggerated version one gets (or I get) with amphetamine, but instead a version which one could almost as well call satisfactory as satisfying, has a lot to do with timing: doing just the right thing at just the right time. As with timing of the ball in cricket (by cricketers, I mean, not by me as an amateur), I have found so far today that I have got things right - I am making satisfying progress - without consciously striving or even planning (consciously). This means I am enjoying what I am doing even more than were I all-out after efficiency, as planning the ideal way of going about what I want to do would introduce ‘stress’ and it would be more like work than a hobby.
What I am doing is (that old favourite) looking into the subject of computer boot discs. The essence of the improved methodology of today compared to previous years (for example end 2005 when I was without doubt affected by ASM as I was being given injections of risperidone) is that I have made the breakthrough of making an external hard disc bootable. This is not a difficult thing to do (as things go): I simply followed instructions I have read before, on running winnt32.exe to install XP from the folder I386 instead of simply from the CD as supplied. The thing is, previously I have not appreciated what an instant advantage it would be to do such a thing as to make an external hard disc bootable. The essence of the advantage is that I can easily (relatively easily) alter bytes on the magnetic medium of the hard disc (a USB ‘key’ might be even better as less cumbersome, but that can be arranged just as simply now I have the experience of the hard disc) instead of - the lines I had been thinking along when I last considered this question of altering the booting of a Windows computer - having to make an image of an optical disc, alter that and then write a new version of the disc onto (say) a CD-R.
It’s not entirely obvious why I am making so much better progress today but I’m sure it is not an accident that I am free of ASM. The differences I can find as possible explanations are (1) I am trying out more things in a given time, with more variety in the range of things I am trying out; and (2) I have better-resolved ‘internal envisagement’ (but this includes ‘internal envisagement’ which I am not consciously aware of, which must be modelling - my brain using its neural structures to form models - of things which are feasible ‘out there’ in the real world without any conscious effort or as I say awareness on my part, behind the scenes as it were, or ‘subconsciously’ - to form models which it then tests for internal consistency and consistency when compared against the goal which is required in the real world). The advantage of better resolution (more synapses contributing) is that consistency can be verified (or found to be invalid) quicker and with more accuracy, so that time is not wasted going too far down dead-ends, and overall the project is speeded up without any extra effort from me (with less, indeed, than when I need to battle against the disadvantage of the numerous synapses removed from contributing when I am given ASM).
03/08/08 17:12
Dawn has been telling me off, but even though voices have been raised more than sometimes - probably more than when we are drugged in fact - I can tell almost as surely in her case as in my own that we are free today of drugs. Her vociferation does not have in it the frustration which given drugs including a stimulant component it does, and for myself I am not hurt at all by her censure, but have been raising my voice (it’s true) in order to make my points heard (Dawn might disagree with this analysis). I suppose simply put, because I can make my points - raising my voice if necessary - (and probably it’s the same for Dawn, but because I have the stronger voice she has rather to depend on my willingness to listen and not drown her out will-he nill-he), because we are not hampered in vociferating our expositions, there is no frustration. Unfortunately she brought up the existence of other people (in stating that I liked them to hear me but did not want myself to listen to them, this evidently an effect of ‘transference’ from her perception of her own situation arguing with me this afternoon) causing me to remark that on the contrary I wanted nothing to do with other people as they had all gone along with the hurt done me by ‘treatment’ and especially drug treatment, but I have soon recovered from the mild bout of depressed mood resulting for me from being reminded. Saccadicity has the advantage that negative feelings - unless they are very protracted, say over a period of decades - are soon forgotten.
I think the same must be true of Dawn also, because she is not sullen or angry or depressed now but, instead, lost in a daydream.
Having been a little taken away from my computer activities, I think it might be an idea to put up a website update to explain to the world the advantages (certainly for myself) in not being drugged with antischizophrenic drugs. Again, the ability now to switch to another activity (other than computer booting) which seems - drugs being absent, to make the point again - equally interesting and worthwhile (my website) is an advantage connected to saccadicity but also connected to multiplexing that is doing several things ‘at the same time’ (or rather in quick-changing alternation).
04/08/08 05:16 [Monday]
I tend to be averse to drawing attention to a lot of my hard work - basically because I don’t believe (in theory) that work is a proper concept (like other ‘moral’ terminologies). Did cave-men do work? In other words, is the concept of work inherent in the human make-up? I say it is an abbreviation, and like similar abbreviations it is of use in getting people to toe the line, that is, to fit in with Society, with the tribe of which they are part (or certainly in whose territory they carry on).
On the other hand, I do not regard all such abbreviations as undesirable. The concept of crime is such an abbreviation, but I would certainly discourage crime and using the terminology crime does discourage it, because it allows everybody including would-be criminals to understand matters better than were they presented with my way of regarding the world (which, to be explicit, is so complex in its intricate detail because of - fundamentally this is it - the large number of synapses on the input side feeding information to me from ‘out there’).
Anyway, what I am getting at is that having put in a certain amount of ‘work’ my website diary of 2005 is now once again online, and may be found via the colinbrough.co.uk link at the top of the index page.
What I have been doing this morning in connection with the 2005 diary is tidy up the layout (in particular the paragraph spacing, which at the time when I was new to MS Word I had a lot of trouble with) and in doing this activity I have (no surprise) learnt from introspection. What I have learnt - a continuation of subject-matter of recent days - has been from comparing my way of going on and my experience now, free or virtually free of ASM [antischizophrenic medication], as against a year or two back (in 2005 indeed) when I was hampered by the blocking of dopamine from being given dopamine-blocking drugs. What I notice this morning is that making individual improvements - isolated improvements, even - to files more or less at random (not precisely so, because I did start with January 2005, but certainly cannot guarantee not to have missed, in working through to April 2005, some required improvements) has given me pleasure, which like yesterday (in the case then of my unhurried procedures with computer booting) is basically ‘achievement emotion’ pleasure.
Having stated it thus, I now see quite clearly that this morning the ‘pleasure’ is more orgasmic (if you like) by which I mean less unhurried than yesterday’s which I described as satisfaction. The reason is that yesterday evening we had a meal based on tortillas bought from Sainsbury’s Blackheath on Tuesday 1 July 2008, and probably from that meal (based on experience of other foods bought there on that date), but certainly from somewhere, we took in drugs, having in the mixture a component of amphetamine-like stimulant which still acting on me this morning (even though very mildly) produces this exaggerated, sudden or orgasmic, experience of ‘achievement emotion’.
What I was trying to say (to continue) is that each individual improvement I am making - each paragraph whose spacing I emend - gives me, separately in itself, this pleasure (that is, a surge of this pleasure). This is unlike what I find given antischizophrenic drugs. In that case, I experience barely any pleasure unless I can do a whole load of improvements and feel thereby that I have made inroads into the problem requiring correction (or improvement). What this means (I suggest) is that given ASM my mind focuses on what remains to be done, whereas given an amphetamine-like stimulant it focuses on successes already achieved, and currently being achieved orgasm after orgasm (as it were). I suggest promotion of dopamine increases the response (in my own brain, certainly) to coincidences, as when the outturn coincides with the goal (this being achievement, giving rise to ‘achievement emotion’ pleasure). Blocking of dopamine in my case leads to discrepancies being noticed more, that is (in the case of pursuit of goals) over-estimation of the distance yet to go.
I have noticed of Dawn that without any drugs she has a natural tendency to overestimate the ‘distance yet to go’. This leads her, for example, to say at a stage in a project which myself I might regard as well on the way to satisfactory completion, that ‘we’ve made a good start’. She does experience pleasure in saying this about a good start - she is not given to depression - but it is a mis-judgment (in my view) of the number and complexity of stages yet to be gone through in the project on the route to achievement. I trust my readers can see as well as I that this tendency to mis-judgment (or certainly non-standard judgment) is to do with dopamine, whereas if she were easily depressed (say about having such a way yet to go in a project) it would be to do with serotonin. The two species of distortion in neurotransmitter turnover if combined can - and do, I know from having met patients in the course of my detentions - lead to great distress for schizophrenics who have lowered serotonin as well. (On the other hand, lowered serotonin can occur without any tendency for dopamine turnover to be distorted, that is there are patients suffering from depression who do not get depressed from mis-estimating the number and complexity of stages yet to be achieved in a project. I mention however that in cases of depression there will be a tendency to underactivity because the reward of surges in serotonin will be less available: but, to reiterate, usually from causes other than mis-estimations created by distorted dopamine turnover.)
I should be paid for this.
04/08/08 09:53
About an hour ago I drank a cup of coffee made from the perc which I had re-filled using water collected yesterday from the tap over our sink. I now feel effects of stimulant drugs, and understand better why Dawn was suffering insomnia last night and why she was so vociferous in our ‘argument’ yesterday afternoon. From her reaction then it seems certain the tapwater which she had drunk (the same I have drunk an hour ago) did not contain ASM. Also from how I feel this morning I would say so. Later on yesterday - after the meal including the tortillas - Dawn’s manner changed, that is she became more cloying and seemingly dependent on my good-favour: less independently confident, if you will. This I can understand from my own responses to these drugs. [Having thought about this subject this morning - Wednesday 06/08/08 06:48 - I conclude this is correct, but that Dawn is happier, as regards her mood, when she is ‘less independently confident’, that is when she doesn’t feel so responsible for her own decisions.]
04/08/08 09:58
I understand now the hoarse/sore throat caused by stimulant drugs: it is due to increased muscle tone in the throat, that is presumably in the vocal cords.
Another symptom I have is tinnitus, of which I have wondered in recent weeks whether it does derive from stimulant drugs. My thinking there would be there is some sort of amplification of the neural messages from the ears.
05/08/08 06:16 [Tuesday]
I find little of interest to do this morning, and this comes down to there being little available in my mind which being surveyed contains interesting structure: what in 2004 I was calling informational beauty. Therefore the prime focus of activity today - to start with, certainly: depending how long the dopamine-blocking I am evidently suffering continues - will be obtaining undrugged water or equivalent drink. The mental condition corresponding to dopamine-blocking started - I remember noting the first effects, even though I cannot at this minute recall the happier condition of mind which must have preceded the debilitated condition (except inasmuch as I recall preparing a website update and finding interest in doing so, probably the evening before last or at any rate leading to the update uploaded the one before that uploaded last night: in fact several recent updates - it may be only two, preceding the one uploaded last night - I found interest in, and this included the introduction of my Arts Page) - it started yesterday morning after I drank a cup of coffee made with tapwater drawn the preceding day (or the day before that).
Because of the debilitation to my memory (its access) if I wish to pursue this enquiry into recent website updates I have uploaded I must look at my computer records.
I have several things in mind which given this dopamine-blocking I cannot marshal as ordinarily I would (and I am suffering further distraction worse than without dopamine-blocking it would be, by not knowing for sure whether to write marshal or marshall; also the typographical errors I am making in greater profusion than ordinarily are more of a distraction than they need be).
(1) Yesterday morning as we left the house I was thinking that They cannot surely keep the houses in this street empty permanently; I presume they are empty to allow the water supply to be drugged, so my guess and hope is that after the school holidays the water supply will be back to normal.
(2) The effects I noticed yesterday morning alerting me to the dopamine-blocking, which at first I thought were effects of something sedative only (such as perhaps opium) until I began to experience the quasi-schizophrenic mistakes in perception I get with some combination of ASM and stimulants (and my guess is that these mistakes arise when the ASM preponderates and the stimulant plays little part: because this morning, being affected evidently also by stimulants, I am not noticing any such mistakes in perception: what I am noticing this morning, to my dismay - this raising again anger I felt last night when Dawn’s son advised that he did not want me if we visited him to display my ‘advertisements’ eg showing Armond’s address, as a result of which I am even less willing to go near Nottinghamshire - is emptiness of my mind of the sources of ‘intellectual’ interest - to call them thus - which I have enjoyed occasionally since end 2003 and have enjoyed very intensely, although only intermittently, since abandoning Nottinghamshire last December): I find I have a desire to expound what these effects (yesterday morning) were.
(3) A few minutes ago my interest became focused on the fluctuation in recent days in my level of ‘intellectual’ activation, that is when it was I had had interest from completing website updates and then uploading them (but also when I become capable of ‘intellectual’ thinking involving perfect clarity of internal envisagement I often derive interest, as readers will know, from my pattern recognition programming, to use a catch-all term). Reflecting, the most recent time I did any Visual field analysis programming was on the train back from Liverpool which was Sunday 27 July 2008.
I find this is an error, and versions of the prog exist Visual field analysis 080729 w-i-p (1340), Visual field analysis 080729 w-i-p (1754), Visual field analysis 080729 w-i-p (2036) and Visual field analysis 080730 w-i-p (2300). These were evidently done Tuesday and Wednesday of last week, corresponding in fact to days I wrote nothing or next to nothing for my website, and it may be they were days when the influence of ‘hypnotising advice’ - possibly perpetrated at the weekend that is the weekend on the Sunday of which we went to Liverpool: and I have written to Select Service Partner as responsible for Upper Crust on Crewe station, where we bought drugged Kettle Chips, asking for compensation sufficient to pay for a repeat trip to Liverpool - was at a low ebb so that I could pursue interests which were genuinely my own.
I should explain, before I forget all about the topic as I may, that the website update I uploaded last night, completing my July diary, was prepared over a day or two prior to its upload, and I just about had enthusiasm-and-capacity combined last night sufficient to verify (I believe) the completeness (because I had thought there was more written 28-Jul-08 to be added) and therefore feel the right thing was to upload it (often what I do when debilitated by drugs including a component of ASM is along the lines of completing work started before the debilitation, the motivation being as much a desire for completeness as anything else). Needless to say the ingestion of stimulant drugs I suffered yesterday evening - presumably from the bottled water bought at Woolworths Wolverhampton yesterday - played a large part in getting the update in fact uploaded. The basic point is that even given the stimulant which counteracted to a degree the earlier debilitation from ASM yesterday, I found no new creative interest in my website, or in pattern recognition programming, or in anything.
I have sort-of an interest in exposing what I am saying here on my website, because I feel sure the foisting of ASM will not continue unevadably beyond the end of the school holidays, and what I am explaining surely cannot be mistaken by anyone but as showing up the undesirability of giving me antischizophrenic drugs. This is so whether or not Armond stands accused in any practical sense of ruining twenty-five years or more out of my life.
05/08/08 07:23
Speaking of the latter, on 25 July 2008 I drafted the following letter to Silks Solicitors and posted it on Saturday 26 July.
[address omitted]
Kingswinford
West Midlands
25 July 2008
Silks Solicitors
Barclays Bank Chambers
27 Birmingham Street
Oldbury
West Midlands B69 4EZ
Dear Sirs
I enclose a letter I brought with me to an interview with a John Spence acting for you on Monday 21 January 2008 at your Netherton office. John Spence when I looked the name up was not listed as currently a partner or employee in your firm. He asked for a fee of £1000 (plus VAT I believe) to present my case before Solihull magistrates but because of the way he said he would approach the matter I did not then engage your firm.
Since a mis-diagnosis of schizophrenia I suffered in 1980 I have been treated improperly with drugs. This has resulted in the loss of employment opportunities for me in any capacity I would have been suited for, since 1982. I ask if you would be willing to take on my case, of proving the mistake in the diagnosis and obtaining considerable financial recompense for the waste of twenty-five years or so out of my life.
Yours faithfully
Colin Barrass-Brough
barrass-brough.blogspot.com
¬¬¬
This letter was delivered on 29 July, which was last Tuesday, but I have not yet had any reply. In thinking of pursuing a claim for improper diagnosis I have never known how to fit into it the fact that I was still surreptitiously being given drugs. If ‘the Authorities’ wanted to assist me in prosecuting a claim against Armond, surely the first thing they needed to do was discontinue the ‘treatment’ his original scheme (‘the Experiment’ I was chosen out for when I was a student at Cambridge) had led to. What I must presume is that only recently have those foisting the drugs become aware - I hope they have now become aware, or better aware overseers have - that the drugs cause me debilitation and are in no way an assistance. If this is so, the way to regard things is that - apart from the initiation in the 1980s of my decades of continuous drug treatment, which surely had in it an element of desire to cover up past errors, a cover-up perpetrated by the Mental Health Act Commission (or whoever the second opinion doctor in June 1984 [Friday 8 June 1984] was a representative of) - psychiatrists since then endorsing my diagnosis and the treatment plan (treatment with antidopamine drugs insisted on in a most unnatural way for a patient in Britain) have been foolish not criminal. (However, the insistence I refer to in thrusting drug treatment on me, either by compulsion - unusual in Britain nowadays and not justifiable in my case in September 2004 nor September 2005, as people with practical experience at Bassetlaw could see - because so unusual and requiring some authority to arrange, I think must be the responsibility of people at the Mental Health Act Commission who still want to cover up the wrongs I was done in years gone by; and wrongs done since, of course, in the covering-up.)
05/08/08 08:05
If you want to see if a patient who has been on drugs still needs them (psychiatric drugs) you give him a drugs holiday and observe whether he deteriorates. Why is this not done now in my case? The only genuine reason I can think of (the true reason most likely being that those advising that the drugs be continued fear my forthcoming about mistaken treatment I have suffered: for example possibly it is denied I was given amphetamine in 1980 leading to my first detention) is that I might abscond and be lost to surveillance. (If this is so it is a good thing, in that it means I genuinely am under surveillance and this is not a mistake in my perception. It is a good thing if I am under surveillance because the truth will out, that is provided it is known what drugs are in me when I am observed behaving taking whatever actions I do. In confinement in Bassetlaw Hospital, when the drugs in me were known because I was being injected with long-acting depots, still the observers failed to notice the debilitation the drugs caused me: that is except for comments from nurses with practical experience, and Dr G - I believe - taking himself off my case because he could not go along with the perpetration; but the observers now, I hope and trust, know better what to look out for and there are more checks and balances that is several observers supplying mutual confirmation - this is what I hope and trust.)
Even though the ‘perpetrators’ pretending to go along with a scheme to see if my drugs could be reduced yet wanted to continue me on high dosages, the fact that the dosages are now so low - and this cannot be entirely due to my measures of evasion: although on the other hand a lot of waste of expensive drugs into our lawn is happily impossible - tells me that the ‘committee’, as I may think of it, investigating what the effect is of reducing the dosage concludes rightly that high dosages are not good for me. Soon the truth will be seen, that any dosage does ill not good.
But even so it is not a proven fact - certainly not proven before a Court - that the ‘perpetrators’ in recent years had improper reasons for advising a continuation of higher dosages; and this again is somewhat separate from proving Armond’s (I think Armond must have been one of the chiefs) original criminal folly in supplying amphetamine and detaining me for invalid reasons, thinking that thereby he could cure me of being unsociable.
05/08/08 08:27
Readers may see as well as I that as I have woken up more (since 06:16) my brain is functioning better: however I daresay there is still some active dosage of the antischizophrenic drugs in me, presuming they came in the water from Woolworths (which I was using for coffee last night). (On the other hand, if that water contained stimulants only and these continuing ASM effects this morning came from the tapwater I used to make a cup of coffee yesterday morning, the ASM may indeed be in its last throes of this assault.) If I could remember properly the sequence last night, I might understand better. I did last night eat a muffin bought yesterday daytime at BB’s in Wolverhampton Wulfrun Centre, and it is a possibility the stimulant effects - keeping me wakeful late last night, for example - derived from that. What I am debating is, can I trust the Woolworths water or does it contain ASM (given that I am known to purchase water from Woolworths Wolverhampton)?
The best thing to do is to use a bottle of water I am almost 100% certain is undrugged, for coffee now (or tea as slightly less risky, or even plain hot water), and risk the Woolworths water later when (hopefully) my mind will be entirely clear of ASM. (This does point up the fact that under the debilitating influence of ASM my awareness whence the ASM might have derived is considerably worsened.)
05/08/08 08:48
With increasing wakefulness, acting somehow in tandem with ASM effects wearing off, I become able to contemplate wider-ranging possibilities, instead of feeling trapped as though foisting of ASM is still virtually impossible to evade, I realise that by taking a trip to a randomly chosen far-off place - we enjoyed Liverpool and York, although Dawn is now taking seemingly genuine Risperdal tablets which seem restrictive - I can obtain water virtually certain to be drug-free.
05/08/08 09:09
I find I am quite looking forward to a trip somewhere by train. On a train, if it isn’t too crowded, I can use my laptop (one of them) as well as enjoying the change of scene in itself. Unfortunately the substances in Dawn (whether Risperdal alone I do not know) are making her critical in a negative way. However another positive in my mind is that those who made false allegations - such as that I might become violent if not medicated, or abusive to Dawn or the kids - I can expect to be invited to explain their allegations. In other words the ‘perpetrators’ - perhaps they are from the Mental Health Act Commission - who have for improper reasons urged that I be medicated, they have been given the lie.
05/08/08 13:39
We are on the 1348 out of Birmingham New Street for Northampton. We spent awhile in the Camden Food Company ‘buffet’ on this station (upstairs on the concourse) for two main reasons: first so that I could work out my ideas better and (I thought) set them down in words in some format; second so that Dawn could have some coffee which might get her going - since she was deactivated with depressed mood, seemingly due to drugs genuinely in the tablets she collected yesterday from Boots Kingswinford (but not the full quantity as there was said to be a supply problem) - or at least so she could have time in which the said drugs might wear off a bit.
(This reminds me of how I used to go on in the Bristol area in 2004, travelling hither and thither by train and making notes on my laptop as I went. More generally I have been pondering on the evil seemingly done to me only sometimes or in certain geographies - notably of course Nottinghamshire - and what exactly might be the basis of it. Of course from time to time, when I have been thinking at lower resolution, I have suspected the drugging has been to the deliberate end of quietening my complaints, or any tendency I might develop to complain, about criminal behaviour by those responsible in the past for my treatment most notably of course Armond.)
To resume today’s story: given the time we spent in the buffet upstairs, and Dawn’s querying what we were going to do (because when we left home I gave as our destination Milton Keynes) - which I think indicates rather wearing off of the deactivating effect of the drugs in her so that she was able to cope given the stillness we achieved sitting with our coffee, and thoughts of her own rose up and resulted in speech (as I say querying what the hell we were doing): rather that than any unnatural stimulant in the coffee (I having available in forming this hypothesis also the effect or non-effect on myself of the unnatural drugs putatively in the coffee) - my answer was that since I had had (similarly to Dawn in a sense) time to reflect better, given the sitting still with the coffee (and the wearing off further of yesterday morning’s ingestion of drugs I myself failed to evade, including a component of ASM this latter having greater effect than any other component today so many hours after ingestion), and had concluded that it was not absolutely necessary to go as far as Milton Keynes in seeking undrugged water, especially as we would need to pay out for tickets, nor absolutely necessary to follow the dictates generated by the randomiser, we would get on a train as far as Coventry (I don’t think in fact I specified this to Dawn) this being as far towards Milton Keynes as we could get without paying extra (covered that is by our West Midlands passes) and see how we went then. If I can in this way obtain safe water (which seems a definite possibility, but I always have in mind that under the influence sometimes undetected of ASM I mis-judge probabilities) I shall be happy and shall have learnt for the future, without any expenditure on fares to travel, beyond what we spend in the routine of buying West Midlands passes anyway.
I am happy to observe that my sentence construction is so elaborate, and I can see and some readers may be competent to see that the elaborateness evidences high resolution (corresponding to high information content even given such long sentences, because the sentences are not confused or - I believe - erroneous in their grammar; but nor are they too repetitious, for example in their nesting structure - if they have any nesting) that is informational beauty, and also correspondingly I do feel (as I say) very happy to be producing such constructions. This supports the impression I got walking from home this morning to the bus, based on the degree of my internal envisagement as against envisagement based on sensory inputs, that the ASM had more or less worn off and I was thinking freely and properly for myself.
What I am getting at is that the ASM getting into me yesterday derived only from the morning tapwater, and the water obtained later even so close to home as Wolverhampton (Woolworths) was sound.
However I find it regrettable that Dawn is subject to depression of mood [seemingly] from drugs getting into her.
(Sometime I shall hope to continue my remarks in parenthesis of the second paragraph below 13:39 - above - on the subject of the criminal nature - as it may be - of decisions made by some of those responsible for my treatment in the past.)
05/08/08 18:06
The above conclusion - that I am free of ASM today - is confirmed by events of our day out in Coventry, and in particular by my commentary just now in the Pumpkin café shop on Platform 1, luckily caught on my Olympus audio device (if it has recorded adequately), following a freight train I observed going in a southerly direction passing Platform 2. This commentary exposes quite unmistakably the strands of thought corresponding to active synapses - that is, each synapse (probably) corresponding to one strand of thought - coming forward as a contribution based on past experience (ie from memory) to the logical argument (or rather, construction of hypotheses with testing for internal consistency almost immediately on formation of the hypothesis, each one) which led to us being on this train although it seems not to have been announced (certainly not announced before we came across to Platform 4 to board).
It is plain to me, and cannot but be plain to some competent people who might listen to the audio (which I may promulgate), how ASM - that is, dopamine-blocking - puts a stop to some or many of the ‘strands of thought’ leading to the hypotheses I come up with. The overall effect is that my understanding of the world is poorer and my activity less well-premissed, with more waste of effort (and money) than when I am free of drugs.
05/08/08 18:20
We are on our way, just now arriving at Berkswell on the train for Birmingham New Street.
Regarding sleeping routine (given that if I now close my eyes I find I am almost asleep instantly): I have previously commented on Mrs Thatcher (and others) needing little sleep at night, because (I maintain) such people ‘process’ so well in the waking period (their frontal brain does) that very little dreamtime is necessary during sleep to store away abstractions (that is, summarisations) from daytime experience. But I have never mentioned (I believe I never have) Napoleon Bonaparte, who slept in snatches at any time of day or night and found that entirely satisfactory (this of course fitted him well for the life of a military general). I have not thought so much about this routine of sleeptime, but thinking now, the first question is how are such short terms of sleeptime interrupted? How does the sleeper know when to wake if he is asleep in the daytime in possibly dangerous surroundings, requiring alertness? It seems plain the sleep of such a sleeper must be very light, and while asleep his ear (in particular) must be almost as aware as were he awake, alert to cues that waking is required. (Giraffes have this sort of routine of sleeptime too, I mention.)
If it is the case that now an adult my own sleeptime routine is of this species (that is it is not actually the case that drugs force me to sleep unnaturally in the daytime, but merely lengthen the periods of such daytime sleep and make me less readily roused - this a danger to me from such drugs, in truth), then I do wrong to feel bad and blame the drugs for the absence of what I had in adolescence, that is the lengthy period of working stuff out in my head (giving rise to great pleasure) at bedtime, lying in bed before sleep came. I do not do that now (perhaps) for the same reason I do not read avidly as I used to, that is I already know all there is to know (to a satisfactory level of detail). What I can blame the years of medication for is masking the transition which I should have been better aware of, as the former adolescent experience altered to what I have now. It’s almost as I said to Dr G: in the absence of much interesting in the environment, I go to sleep (instead of working stuff out in my head with avid interest as I used to in adolescence). The effect of the medication though has been (and is, if I am now given it) to reduce the interesting stuff coming in through my senses from ‘out there’ and therein to increase my tendency to fall asleep, or into this light sleep I am on about, certainly. The difference from my younger days is to be seen also in the need I have, to retain the interest which keeps me awake, for mechanisms to implement my ideas (that is, computers) instead of being kept alert by mere wisps of the intellect such as are concepts arising from books being read, or concepts arising from mathematics being puzzled over.
This transfer of the avidity from entirely internal stuff (or almost entirely, in that it could be set forth in symbols) to stuff with slight connection - ‘software’ connection - to the real world started when I found how to construct logic gates in the physical universe, instead of merely as abstractions in my head based on what I had read. (It actually started before that when I read in books about cards which could implement in physical reality logical arguments using what would now be called symbolic logic, in other words the cards formed a mechanical device for showing outcomes of logical sequences which were as-if taking decisions.)
05/08/08 21:50
Having arrived home possibly an hour ago, I find my mind is turning again to the nature of the culpability of those in the past taking decisions on my treatment including the drug treatment foisted by putting drugs surreptitiously in food or water. As I mentioned in a recent letter to the Chief Constable, this - hiding drugs in foods to foist them on the patient - is a fairly common practice among families of schizophrenic patients. The families are able to cope better with a quieter patient. Myself I think it is wholly immoral, since - based on my own experience - the foisters do not notice adverse effects which the patient may not explain well, but which may cause a rebound of resentment if the drugs are eventually stopped (and the result may be the family are unwilling ever to stop them permanently, because if a drugs ‘holiday’ is attempted the patient shows his resentment).
I have not thought in these terms before, but it is not impossible this interpretation was placed on my own reaction around the end of 2003, and that may be why the surreptitious drugging resumed after I moved away from Kingswinford and the arrangement in Retford for the injections fell down so that I stopped being medicated for a while. I have tended to presume the reason the drugging was re-started - surreptitiously and possibly it was through the mains water supply then (most likely in fact, given the effects I had when we were at the house in Retford Dawn and I while living most of the time at her house in Worksop, in the Spring of 2005) - was the same as the reason the years of drugging started in 1987 through persuading me making unfair use of a drug (possibly opium) to make me more persuadable: this reason in 1987 was to cover up the mistakes of the past, and in particular the original improper detentions of 1980 and 1984, the erroneous second opinion in June 1984, the surreptitious foisting of reserpine with no adequate control of dosages and no adequate monitoring of effects this leading to my suicidal depression, and then the improper diagnosis, on the basis of the suicide attempt, of mental illness with a requirement for medication with dopamine-blocking drugs. The surreptitious foisting of reserpine seemingly started soon after the second opinion given on Friday 8 June 1984, so I think I have to blame the Mental Health Act Commission - who I was told the second opinion doctor represented - for the idea of foisting reserpine. When I was a student at Cambridge, starting around late November 1974 as far as I can tell from the records I have, I was similarly given reserpine. The result then was depression, but not a suicide attempt and the reason for this somewhat better - or less bad - effect of the drugs I think must have been that I was free to cope as I could with the depression instead of being (in the equivalent situation in 1984) compelled to attend the day centre which was so devoid of anything of interest that I took to drinking a lot of coffee and the coffee was what had been spiked with reserpine.
To sum up what I now believe happened in 2004: Kurian had concurred with the diagnosis of schizophrenia when he succeeded Armond as my psychiatrist around 2001. My parents died in February (Dad) and June (Mum) of 2003 and this cut the reason I had had to remain in Kingswinford. Even though Barbara had been set on to befriend me, I did not actually need much practical help in coping with life, given the drug régime Kurian had settled on for me. The effects of the drugs cancelled out except for my intellectual capacity. The stimulants kept me going despite the depot injections of antischizophrenic drugs. (Although I feared myself that the supposed ‘benztropine’ tablets which actually contained the stimulants also contained ASM, if they did it was a small dosage of ASM compared to the depots because when I ‘ran away’ in September 2003 the stimulant effects predominated, until - I presume - I stopped taking the stimulants that is stopped taking the ‘benztropine’ tablets.) I had one or two friendships formed via the internet, and I chose to ‘run’ to Retford because Zoë lived there and I had already gone to Retford and met her (Christmas-time 2002 I believe), and as we know I also had a friend in Caroline in Bristol (and Bob in Kent).
05/08/08 22:35
The people who had set Barbara on seemingly were genuinely under the impression they were there to help me and I was a genuine schizophrenic. They no doubt thought it would be good if I formed friendships with women, so they took Zoë on a junket to New York over Christmas 2003 and Caroline to Egypt in November the preceding month. After I showed I did not want to return to live in Kingswinford as Barbara’s close friend she actually helped me set up home in Retford. There now followed a few months in 2004 in which (I think) I was supposed to choose between Bristol and Caroline, on the one hand, and Retford and Zoë on the other. The thing is, when I started being given higher dosages of ASM surreptitiously my focus shifted entirely to detestation of that and fear of those foisting it, and the stimulants foisted had the effect simply of causing me to travel up and down between Bristol and Retford sometimes driving at excessive speeds. Thinking back, I would have to presume the dosages of ASM - or anyway the higher dosages - were started after Caroline assaulted me, unexpectedly to the Authorities as well as to myself, on Thursday 6 May 2004. These dosages of ASM led to my psychotic reaction in the June, followed by the decision from ‘the Authorities’ to put on an ‘Experiment’ such as I myself thought had been going on since the late 1970s, and as part of that to give me a stimulant not quite as powerful as the amphetamine foisted in 1980 and otherwise in the early 1980s. I suppose they thought the outcome would be that I would return meekly to treatment for schizophrenia, which they perhaps thought I found a benefit.
When I took no medication on leaving hospital at the end of 2004, and started living with Dawn, they felt then that they might lose sight of me and therefore not be able to give their ‘help’ in my life. The events of 2005 were to get me back under treatment and to cause me to decide whether my marriage to Dawn was soundly based (in fact I imagine they hoped they could break up the marriage, and I must say this is the stage from which their decisions turned from bad to immoral).
I think ‘the Authorities’ must be a sub-agency of the Mental Health Act Commission who took on looking after me when Armond threw in the towel in June 1984 (he was required by law to call in a second opinion anyway), but a lot of their decisions and actions in my case have been ill-founded and from what I can tell of their staff they are of very low quality. It is regrettable they have had so much power to interfere in my life.
06/08/08 05:46 [Wednesday]
When I woke up, almost an hour ago now, I felt slightly depressed (this is the word I must use). The reason I believe, having pondered on it, must be a natural tendency I have, albeit slight, to ‘morning depression’, and the basis of ‘morning depression’ I feel must be a low level of dopamine turnover which I (and a proportion of the population in general) have by nature on waking after a night’s sleep. I don’t think drugs are playing any part this morning in my condition of mind, although on the other hand when I have been given antidopamine drugs and they have been permanently in my metabolism this tendency to ‘morning depression’ has been made much worse (and unnecessarily worse). Living at the park home in the months leading up to Christmas 2006 I used to go on at length about mental underactivity on waking up - and after waking up - in the mornings. In those days, furthermore, I was taking in more antidopamine drugs after getting up - presumably via the mains water supply - so things did not improve as I emerged better from sleep. This morning however the slight depression has lifted as I have emerged better from sleep. I can tell no drugs are reducing my level of mental activity this morning (that is my dopamine turnover) because my mind has been drawing forth memories in quite large number and from quite diverse periods, relating to the subject of whether by nature - that is, before going to university so that I can feel sure at the time in question I was not being drugged - I am liable to ‘morning depression’ (or depression of other species: for example when I changed schools at the age of eleven and started at the grammar school I was very unhappy for a time after the transition).
I have brought myself out, with the new Vaio laptop, onto the patio with as the main motivation to have the use of a table of suitable height. The dining table has the desktop computer on it and the table we eat off in practice, is too low and may contribute to my back-ache problem (which is still in evidence but not so bad now as two or three days ago). I am feeling the benefit, as usual, of the natural surroundings (the trees, the breeze and the sounds made by birds and insects) but (a small fly in the ointment) it is a bit chilly.
I have been thinking that Dawn’s angry mood of Sunday evening may have been a withdrawal reaction after ASM had worn off (given that she had run out of Risperdal tablets and not taken any for a day or two). I thought this following the ideas I had last night about my moods of 2004 and the interpretation ‘the Authorities’ may have placed on them, this possibly the reason they were very eager to resume medicating me surreptitiously. At the time, in discussions when I was in some trance state (under the influence of a truth drug, I think of it), they told me ASM reduces the level of activity, so since then I have harboured the notion that that is the reason I have been given it - that is to still me so that I do not complain or otherwise draw attention to the wrong done to me in the 1980s. They also enquired if I did not think they knew what effect ASM has, from which I concluded they did understand the effects and were knowingly causing me immense hurt. My suspicion now is that the people discussing matters with me when I was in that trance state and hence less competent to understand properly were psychiatric people appointed by the Mental Health Act Commission and therefore (as I have said) can be expected to have been fools.
Worse for Dawn was the depressed mood she had on Monday and yesterday morning. This seemed to me (at the time) to follow, or anyway become worse, after she took the first Risperdal tablet (or supposed Risperdal tablet) of the new lot she collected Monday morning. Her mood however was much better by evening yesterday, and I am wondering therefore if her depressed mood was also, with the angry mood, associated with withdrawal of the preceding Risperdal (or supposed Risperdal) medication. I find it strange though that the depressed moods she suffers seem to be inversely related to her ability to think for herself. That is, yesterday as her mood lifted she became more ‘schizoid’ as far as I could see, that is she became readier to accede to (and depend on) my suggestions and decisions. I find this puzzling because it is the opposite of what I find in myself. That is, I am more depressed when I depend on, or am placed so that I have to depend on (eg if I am under legal compulsion), what other people decide or on what they want. One would have to theorise that when Dawn is not taking ASM she feels it more necessary to work things out for herself - that is she does not trust to rely on other people in the way she was on me yesterday after (this is the hypothesis) the Risperdal kicked in - but when she is trying to ‘work things out for herself’ for some reason to do with the data input requiring working out being overwhelming, even though her dopamine level must rise (corresponding to ‘worrying’ or - as a withdrawal reaction after ASM has been stopped - corresponding to angry mood) her serotonin level remains low, or becomes lower (which is depression). I suppose this makes entire sense, in that surges of serotonin (corresponding to ‘achievement emotion’) depend on dopamine turnover declining - from time to time - as problems are resolved. If problems never are resolved dopamine turnover keeps going - continual ‘worrying’ at the problem - and hence serotonin levels remain permanently low. The only reason I find it - or found it, initially - puzzling was that it is so discrepant with my own experience of ‘problem-solving’ and the effect on it (on my ability to solve problems) of antidopamine drugs.
06/08/08 15:33
I feel I am too connected to external reality at present, and the reason seems to be that I feel I ‘ought’ to make notes - or certainly take note (of events) - for ‘the Authorities’. However writing words is a great effort often, and my desire really is to escape into the realm of Visual field analysis. I will just mention - and hope sometime to expand on - the way conventional psychology takes human beings as governed by needs, wants or urges. My way of regarding myself (surely arising out of the numerousness of the introspective links in my brain, as well as those of ‘self-government’) is to wonder, when I do have desires (and naturally I do have desires and aversions), whence they originate. For example: if I crave something sweet and therefore ask why, the explanation can get involved, and include matters of physiology (low blood sugar) but also range into such questions as energy spent using up the last intake, and the reasons evolution has ‘not discontinued’ these mechanisms for desiring sugar.
’Nuff said.
06/08/08 16:36
We are at Birmingham New Street waiting for the 1648 to Coventry. It had been agreed this was our destination but on arrival in Birmingham Dawn announced she wanted to withdraw cash from the Halifax (spotted opposite Snow Hill station when we exited) and pay it into the West Bromwich. It’s true this was discussed the other day but it had not been scheduled for any particular time and came as unexpected to me today. Extra ‘processing’ was occasioned, for one thing while I consulted my memory to think where the West Bromwich was in Birmingham.
It seems very likely to me that the hour (or near) of time I felt I had lost track of this morning (from 07:13 when I asked Dawn what time it was, she having just woken up, and then found from the oven clock that the time was as I say 07:13) was lost because I fell into some sort of trance and the opportunity taken to hypnotise Dawn. That is, to hypnotise her to think on seeing the Halifax that cash should be transferred to the West Bromwich, and then (on leaving the West Bromwich) to say she needed new shoes and we might buy them this afternoon in Birmingham. Again this is something previously discussed (new shoes for Dawn) but not mentioned to me today and not scheduled for today.
It may seem odd to require everything to be ‘scheduled’ but I found - getting to Woolworths on the way to try to find shoe shops in the Bull Ring (and myself taking the opportunity to try to obtain an electrical push-button which is on my ‘wish list’) - that not following the schedule was causing me extra physical effort (carrying a back-pack with provisions in it such as soup) as well as puzzling my brain and in a sense wasting my thinking time (or daydreaming time, if you like). I am hopeful that these interferences in our life will end soon, and are as much to discover (through notes such as these) what it is I find difficult - and in the past have found difficult - in the ‘re-scheduling’ I need to do to accede to hypnotising ‘directives’. Today, because my frontal brain is not debilitated and therefore I am able to make sensible points to Dawn, it was decided between us outside Woolworths that we would abandon the quest for shoes (for now) and return to the plan of getting a train to Coventry.
06/08/08 16:49
Regrettably now at Platform 1a we hear that the 1648 to Coventry is cancelled. This in itself is not too great a frustration or difficulty, because we are just sitting (not wasting effort) and it is not absolutely vital that we go to Coventry today. (However the revised plan was to try to get there while shoe shops might still be open.) Sitting and daydreaming, or engaging in mild activity not costing too much effort (and better if according to a previously decided schedule) while daydreaming at the same time, suits me and I believe suits Dawn.
I think we are now going to try to find the next train to Coventry.
I mention that the provisions I am weighed down with would be less necessary if I could be sure of trusting food purchased along the way.
07/08/08 04:23 [Thursday]
This morning I have woken up without any trace of ‘morning depression’. In general. I find myself puzzled to account for the variation of mood of myself and Dawn (a greater variation in Dawn) in recent days. I would say this, as a certain fact to start with: depressed mood is related to underactivity, including underactivity leading to boredom and underactivity from being asleep or just emerged from sleep; the latter in respect of sleep more prominently when one wakes on a dark winter’s morning (this in turn related to the condition known as SAD). My theorising the other day that Dawn’s mood is lower when she is required to think for herself to solve the difficulties she faces posed a conundrum which I said at the time I found confusing. The point is, in struggling herself to work out solutions to difficulties Dawn’s mind is not underactive: the very opposite. So the underactivity contributing to depression is, when one is considering activity of the mind, rather a lack of variation in thinking than an absolute dearth of thinking. Of course viewing the question in terms of neurotransmitters, variation in dopamine turnover is a necessity if there are to be any serotonin surges which subjectively correspond to bursts of pleasure. Also of course if one is bogged down in puzzling with one’s mind one may miss out on variation in the physical world: one may sit worrying in a dark room at home (in fact one may make the mistake of choosing a dark quiet corner as less distractive for thinking through difficulties).
This latter notion that one may ‘make a mistake’ that is a mistaken choice for oneself comes close to agreeing with conventional psychiatry that if people choose for themselves to sit in a dark corner at home moving about little they are mistaken to do so, and it would be better for them to get out and about more and (in particular as far as conventional psychiatry is concerned) be with people more.
I will myself now go out on the patio (if it isn’t raining) to enjoy fresh air (and, like yesterday, to sit at a less back-breaking table). The hypnotic interference I believe Dawn suffered yesterday morning (more than 50% likelihood this hypothesis is correct, I estimate) - when I went outside to sit on the patio and left the back doors wide - did not cost us too much and it may be shown up (and accepted by the perpetrators or their overseers) that it did us a disservice.
07/08/08 04:57
I have got myself out onto the patio, even though it is in fact raining. Emerging from the house I found the light summer rain to be pleasant, and this included the fact that it was refreshingly cool rather than miserably cold. It is still dark but the dawn is promising to break within probably twenty minutes (for now I have turned the security light to ‘permanently on’ making use of the arrangement I wired in - ‘all my own work’ - to by-pass, if required, the motion sensor). I have erected the parasol over our new patio table hoping to discover if it is sufficiently proof against this light rain. In general, I am doing what is perhaps not the easiest method (if the end required is to type these notes as a diary) but is a way to learn, not exceptionally onerous and if one does not engage in slightly difficult stuff in life one has no diary to write anyway. (Again we come upon the question of the degree of activity desirable in life, and the nature of the activity. I have mentioned in the past that some rocks endure for millions of years so arguably to be as little moving, or certainly as little independently responsive, as a rock would be a desirable thing; and I refer readers to the Simon and Garfunkel song I am a Rock.)
I woke up first at about 2.15 am, and while I could ponder whether nighttime voicing or some rousing noise deliberately put on by ‘the Authorities’ had wakened me this is not really vital in considering the fact that this disturbance of sleep would help counter any ‘morning depression’. However again I find myself dwelling on the likelihood that very harsh sleep deprivation, or other torturous techniques (thinking of deliberate perpetration now), while disturbing placidity and creating change and worrying of the mind, might be expected to lead to depressed mood and not to a satisfactorily still less pleasantly varying mental state. Again one would have to say in such a case that it was too much of the same: that unremitting disturbance of sleep is a different kettle of fish from occasional interruption of sleep which makes for a change and arguably an interesting change. (Similarly with negative experience in general, or what ordinarily one would think of as negative, and even anxiety: people join the army knowing they may well get into anxious situations, and they do it - the main reason - for the excitement, that is the variety sometimes straying into unpleasant territory. People who want less stress but still some experience of negative emotions - that is, of fluctuation including negative emotions - may read books, say adventure stories or fiction containing various forms of emotion described within context, and have vicarious and therefore less powerfully affecting experience.)
What I am getting at is the Authorities speaking to me in my sleep - if they do, and almost certainly they have in the past - will counter ‘morning depression’. On the other hand (and this is what I am often complaining about) the concepts they offer will distract me from what otherwise would have been in my mind. To give me drugs removing any ideas of my own from my mind and then offer their ideas through nighttime voicing I can find no excuse for. The question again arises, given that it is open to me if I suffer underactivity of mind (boredom or depression) to seek out stimulation this including seeking out people to exchange ideas with, what justification is there ever (in my case and in the cases more generally of mental patients) to thrust such stimulation on the patient, this including sometimes compelling him to associate with other people (specially selected other people, that is other mental patients and mental staff)?
I suppose depression properly so-called is different from boredom in that it is self-perpetuating: the depressed one loses even a sufficient level of activity to move himself to seek out more activity. This in fact must be how conventional psychiatry regards underactivity in negative-symptom schizophrenia, when the patient does not stir himself to seek out the company of other people. If so it is a regrettable and total error on the part of conventional psychiatrists, and there is no wonder schizophrenics who come to the attention of conventional treaters then become career schizophrenics (especially when they are given drugs reducing activity level, by prescribers who seem to think that antidopamine drugs are much the same as serotonin-promoters, that is that antipsychotics and antidepressants are almost interchangeable). Ce sont fous to repeat my pun of recent days.
Jedenfalls, part of my cheer this morning is having found I had (had had, in truth, but simply hadn’t recognised it in particular by printing colourmaps which worked properly, debilitated the past two or three months by drugging and other distractions) success in my Visual field analysis work.
07/08/08 05:54
This is the colourmap I have finally got working, showing different depths of blackdensity (red is blackest and yellow lightest), where blackdensity (readers may recall) is like a local average of greyscale (inverse greyscale, I should say, in that blacker blackdensity is represented by a higher value), but with weighting so that darker pixels nearby the pixel in question (in the field) count more. Let me say straightaway that the measure of ‘interestingness’ or informational beauty is going to be closely to do with the number of fragments shown red, which I am describing as hotspots (or blackdense hotspots). The grainsize is going to relate to the size of these fragments shown red, and their density that is the count of them in a given area.
Consider characters printed black-on-white consisting of lines relatively thin compared to the area covering the characters. The features of interest (found so by experimenters in character recognition using rules of thumb ascertained empirically to produce a result) are regions where lines intersect and where there are vertices, or if not vertices then equivalently points of maximum curvature. (End-points are in question, because sometimes they provide meaningful information - change between where there is a line and where there is whitespace - but often they are mistaken end-points created by occlusion, in which case the human eye - and the eyes of animals with similarly advanced visual systems - makes an attempt to link end-points seeming to be part of the same line, eg those which point towards each other with a seeming occlusion in-between. In the human case meaningful end-points marked in printed text with serifs make reading the text easier on the eye.)
Regions where lines intersect and where the lines are not straight - especially if they are very curved or are angled in a vertex - are regions where the ratio of black-to-white in counting pixels is higher. On the other hand it is necessary to discount regions where there are smudges, evidenced by unusual seeming breadth of the lines making up the characters (if not, then a smudge will show up misleadingly as having a high ratio of black-to-white). The general rule is that a high black content draws the attention, but if it is too high there will be suspicion - which should be checked out - that smudging has occurred. This is a general rule widely applicable to processing done by neural structures: more of something ‘activating’ increases activation, but if it goes too far there is likely some flaw in the perception or other process. In schizophrenia the usual mechanism for ‘suspecting a flaw’ leading to the neural structures self-limiting in cases where activation rises too much is faulty, and the reason most likely is that in schizophrenic brain the neurons are very fast responders (to dopamine) so that the activation level has risen tremendously before any mechanism of self-limitation (of the neurons’ response) can take effect.
So the case of counting the density of black pixels in character recognition to determine features of interest can be generalised to the case of fields of greyscale for which blackdense hotspots can be found and their density counted. This is of use to humans and others relying on visual perception in nature in giving a clue to grainsize (that is, equivalently, distance from the eye to be discounted in comparing images with those in memory) and drawing the attention to scenes (or sub-scenes) which it has been found advantageous through evolution for the attention to be drawn to (these latter being scenes including change but not uncopable change: or for change substitute variation).
07/08/08 06:32
Having eaten cheese and biscuits - the same cheese as yesterday morning preceded my loss of an hour in some species of trance, after which I actually fell asleep for an hour or two returning to bed with Dawn - I am becoming yawnative. This cheese was bought at Sainsbury’s Wolverhampton, at the weekend possibly. When I complained to M + S Walsall recently about drugged water they said they would investigate, but still in that case as in the case of this Sainsbury’s cheese I have wasted my money in buying the stuff. M + S (and Sainsbury’s if I write about the cheese) should refund the purchase price.
As yesterday after eating this cheese - but I did not know until now that it was the cheese which was drugged - I am experiencing distension of the stomach.
07/08/08 08:38
Considering what I have taken by mouth this morning and the quantity, compared to yesterday morning, and the fact that the effects following the yawnative feeling have developed barely at all this morning (although I am still troubled by distension of the stomach), my conclusion is that the drug causing the yawnative is not in the cheese but is in the instant coffee. I think likely I was mistaken to suspect hypnosis yesterday: my present theory is that Dawn, more powerfully affected by what she had taken in the instant coffee than I was (this related to the less numerousness of the control links of self-government downward from her frontal brain) lost sight more easily yesterday afternoon of our schedule. When we arrived at Snow Hill she was reminded by seeing the Halifax of something on her ‘wish list’ but not specifically scheduled for that afternoon, and mentioned it and pursued it. This continued with the ‘wish’ for shoes when I asked her - the plan having been ruptured - what she wanted to do on leaving the West Bromwich building society premises.
When I became more insistent that it was foolish to continue to deviate from our objective of Coventry - this when I was physically tired carrying a weight arguably unnecessary (the soup etc) and we were just upstairs from New Street station anyway (where we would get a train to Coventry) - Dawn acceded to my ‘demand’ and we returned to the original plan. We took rest (always a good thing to do, I find) in the Camden Food Co ‘buffet’ as the day before we had found that a successful procedure, and again a physical need - for the toilet - had been part of the reason we abandoned Platform 1a even though there was a fast train stopping at Coventry due seven minutes later (as we left the platform); also we found the crowds on Platform 1a to be a difficulty, this reaction worsened (compared to a day a few months back when we travelled on a very crowded Chilterns train from Stourbridge, on Cup Final day or something of the sort) by the opium (I think it must have been) affecting Dawn in the afternoon hours after taking it, worse than it was affecting me.
This drug I am calling opium must be very like what they call ‘rape’ drugs. Dawn’s ‘self-government’ was greatly reduced, that is her firmness in adhering to plans laid earlier and equally to long-term ‘plans’ of a moral nature (this clearly related to weakening the links from the frontal brain, in the way one would expect of a drug to make hypnosis or the equivalent easier). The effect corresponds to what my interlocutors (when I myself was in a trance state) in 2004 said was inability to form intention. I must imagine those who have felt it right to give me (and Dawn in the past three years) this drug argue that if there are checks and balances - auditing, as it were, of the actions of agents when we, that is Dawn and I, have been drugged thus - then no advantage-taking is involved, as there might be if such a drug were used to enable a rape to take place. What I would be interested to know is what do they think constitutes advantage-taking? Women who are raped sometimes suffer no physical assault, yet it is still a crime. On the other hand some women are less troubled if such a thing happens to them.
What I mean is, in my view the advantage taken of myself (and Dawn) by those foisting this drug on us has come close to equivalence to rape, even though (except in Bristol, at Caroline’s hands and in police custody) we have suffered no direct physical hurt. To say that, for Dawn or myself, when our ‘intentions’ are formed for us by those drugging us we no longer have the onerous responsibility of deciding for ourselves is like saying in an out-and-out Socialist State that the Government can do everything for us and we need have no worries. I do right to think of the perpetrators as Socialist in their beliefs (even though they may pretend politics is not relevant to the case), and there are people even in this day and age who would agree with the perpetrators that to ‘free’ us of the need to take our own decisions is a Good Thing. Hopefully the presumed ‘overseers’ deciding on the future of The Experiment will not be of that mind.
It is true that Dawn finds certain situations requiring decisions to be taken - and particularly where a speedy decision is needed - difficult. The solution for such a person is not to thrust them into such milieux - say for the sake of their ‘benefiting’ from the society of other people - but to allow them a quieter life where they can take things at their own pace and go into milieux more, or less, ‘stressful’ as they see fit. (What this means is paying DLA to all schizophrenics even those not showing florid symptoms. But naturally this is difficult when doctors are incompetent to assess who genuinely is schizophrenic.)
09/08/08 18:12 [Saturday]
We got back from a shopping trip to Stourbridge probably over an hour ago (my sense of time is distorted) and I drank a cup of coffee remaining in the perc, made earlier with filter coffee in use up to a week ago (say) and since then displaced (mostly) by more recently bought filter coffee. Now I feel tired in a way involving loss of overview and failure to properly lay down memory traces. I may well fall into a sleep-like state. I think most likely the drug causing this - which I think of as opium - came in the filter coffee, since Dawn is not suffering any similar effect. I suffered similar effects several days ago and I think the hope was to interview me, or us, in a truth-drugged type condition had we gone to see the Dudley psychiatrist on Thursday (I believe Dawn had an appointment but has forgotten about it).
I find it despicable that as a result of this foisting our freedom - my freedom - to go to Merry Hill this evening as planned is interfered with. Subjectively a more direct bad effect is that I have lost the pleasure of maintaining an overview of things in prospect - projects on hand - which I find enjoyably interesting to maintain ordinarily (as well as having ‘achievement emotion’ pleasure if I get things in the plan ‘ticked off’).
Also my bowels are - or feel - loosened and I find this a distracting discomfort.
As we returned home I had several interesting projects - or sub-projects - in mind to do, but these have faded from my intentions. The same thing has happened, although in a less clear-cut version, in recent days too. I conjecture the mental stimulation out and about counters the deactivating effect of the opium (as I think it is), but on the other hand distracts from putting into effects plans arising when the mind - my mind - is activated thus. Ordinarily even in the quiet of home my mental activation level is high enough that I think of and maintain momentum in interesting projects (eg to do with security of our premises), and in the quiet of home the distractions I refer to are almost always absent. In fact my activation level is so high that I maintain momentum in such physically based activities - involving eg soldering and electrical wiring - and while engaging in that sort of stuff my internal mental activation keeps going (stimulated I mean by the physical and close-to-physical activity) so that I plan out more interesting stuff to do in the future (and also, I modestly claim, sort out ideas in a very detailed and wide-ranging version involving very accurate summarisations and explanatory theories). Given this drug - opium or similar - if deprived of stimulation (or activation) based in the physical world my mental condition does not maintain momentum of activation so that (to be specific) I may fall asleep.
Strangely enough being now in the quiet of home is maintaining my wakefulness better. The reason is I am not distracted from thoughts (leading me to write, which is a close-to-physical activity) which are maintaining the momentum of my thinking quite well. If I were not writing I might well fall into a torpor, whereas without drugs I would not need to write to avoid torpor. These facts explain the effects I reported eg in the Spring of 2006 except that then I was being given ASM too so the thoughts, even though maintaining their momentum in being written out, were not as sensible or valuable (because less well organised and less thoroughly aligned with the real world) or certainly I felt it was so, with a sense of constant dissatisfaction.
The fact that this drug was acting led me to consider, as we returned home this afternoon, writing down what my plans were - the things projected to do - whereas ordinarily they would have been clear in my mind (maintaining momentum by virtue, now I think of it, almost certainly of ‘neural loops’) and not need to be written out. This explains - or parallels - the ‘truth-drug’ effect which has led me on these drugs plus ASM in the past to write out and publish on my website what I had plans to do.
09/08/08 18:57
It has occurred to me that this morning, and otherwise recently, these ‘opium’ effects seemed to come from cheese, and these effects this afternoon may come from milk bought at Waitrose Stourbridge. Dawn drank some of the milk while we were waiting for the bus home, but not nearly as much as I did. The point about dairy products (because at first sight there’s no reason if cheese is drugged milk need be, or vice versa) is that they do not last long: they go off if not used within (say) a week.
If these products are drugged I must suppose the reason is to glean what difficulties the drug causes me, as against when ASM was also combined in the mixture. As the effects are wearing off already I think this hypothesis may well be the correct hypothesis.
A physical ‘side-effect’ I notice now is sore throat, which is mildly unpleasant. However, I am pleased I can (soon) carry on with what I had in mind to do (in relation to securing our loft as once again the ultimately defended store, eg of safe water, after a period in which such a project seemed futile or unnecessary).
09/08/08 20:19
I have got so far with the enhanced security for the loft, and having not necessarily limited (in the sense restricted) but rather well-defined (closely related to definite) objectives is a great assistance. This is connected to doing things - in this case putting plans into effect - in a scheme of distinct sub-stages, almost the same as what I call saccades. As I have mentioned before, one is then in getting one sub-stage to completion not worrying about other sub-stages, but rather looking forward to the basking interlude after achievement of the sub-stage (depending on one’s morale - to speak in military terminology - that is one’s optimistic pre-estimate of success, depending in turn of course, for individuals, on the natural level of serotonin, although in collective enterprises giving out ‘pep talks’ - which may include the military chaplain saying God is on our side - may be employed, and even in the individual case ‘self-motivation’ may be practised in a variant my mother employed of giving herself orders). Again, accomplishment of one sub-stage separately from other worrying sub-stages becomes in collective cases division of labour.
So I am content to have got to the end of my first sub-stage and my version of basking - after giving myself finger-strain if not writer’s cramp in wielding the screwdriver - is to write down here these introspections. It may not be precisely post-coital lassitude, but a change is as good as a rest so it counts as much the same as doing nothing. (After coitus all animals are sad, it is said, so the people who thought that up in Latin understood or certainly knew the connectedness of sadness with doing nothing, that is of depression with lack of activity.)
Another sequence of ideas for presentation now (my mind devoid of the effects of dopamine-blockade) is that I have not actually tested the work I have done. What I have tested is that the lights in the loft, and as far as I can tell the electrics throughout the house, work the same as they did before: that is I have not ruined anything. This is a positive for those of us with naturally elevated serotonin: just as my Dad was made happy every time he passed by Winson Green Prison on the train, to think that he was not inside, just so I am overjoyed that the activity I have engaged in through my first sub-stage has not made anything worse than it was.
Furthermore: having a clearly envisaged plan ahead of time is a great help. (I expose here what I have mentioned previously in vaguer terms of ‘pre-processing’ that is working things out in advance - as in rehearsal - so that one is less likely to be fazed when it comes to the performance.) When I do get round to testing my sub-stage work, I will not simply see what happens and look around gathering information: a person more schizophrenic who had not had leisure to think in advance might do just that, and be completely thrown by making neither head nor tail of the mass of data (probably concluding he might as well not have done the sub-stage work). As things stand, I can barely lose (that is, it is exceptionally unlikely I shall ‘lose’: possibly if They managed in a sudden unanticipated assault to get antidopamine drugs into me again I could, or if the Martians invaded causing me some distraction and possibly severing the mains electric in the invasion or causing the Government to reintroduce military conscription or more realistically - given our years - billet some marines on us).
That creative tangent deserves limitation, so as I say there are two realistically possible outcomes of my testing: (one) the mains extension I have wired up works all the time; (two) it works when the switch is on for the lights in the loft. I know just what to test for and what outcomes to look for (out of a restricted range): this reduces the ‘processing requirement’ of gathering feedback information. Further, in either of the anticipated outturn cases I know (from pre-planning) what I am going to do. This again reduces the future ‘processing requirement’. So there we have it, the explanation for my sanguinity, even though I have done next to nothing since the finger-straining (because thought has stood in for physical effort, since).
09/08/08 21:16
Having done the testing I am slightly disappointed that the more adverse of the two anticipated outcomes eventuated, that is the mains extension (for three-pin plugs in a four-gang arrangement, to add information) works only when the switch for the loft lights is ‘on’. On the other hand I have briefly had interest from working out in greater detail what to do about it, in such a way as to minimise effort and minimise the likelihood of spoiling what has been achieved so far.
Possibly due to the (no doubt minimally) reduced serotonin from that disappointment, I have had thoughts again on the Armond question. It strikes me (almost certainly now modelling the truth better, that is with less paranoia based in mis-estimating probabilities which has been caused me by the ASM in recent months) that Armond in 1987 (and subsequently Dr G in 2005) had no deliberate intention of working the antischizophrenic drugs into me bit by bit so that my complaints never surfaced and by the time the final dosage was arrived at I was incompetent to complain: doctors I find have no clue what these drugs do, and I suppose the natural conclusion from the seeming of things would be that my initial fears had been calmed and I had accepted by the end of the introduction that the medication was doing me no hurt and might be doing me good. So I don’t think Armond or the Mental Health Act Commission (who I suppose were the ones he handed charge of me over to in 1984) were deliberately out to silence my complaining. (On the other hand, obstacles introduced a month or two back to my freedom to publish my complaints need some complexity of theorising to excuse: along the lines that They were out to protect me from making a fool of myself or a fool of Them for appearing to think that what I said might have some validity.)
Armond’s sheepishness (he never saw me face to face after a certain date in the 1980s) I conjecture came from the notion he may have had that his ‘Experiment’ had precipitated my depression and what he thought was thereafter permanent psychosis. I have to say mental doctors - all doctors, I suppose, but proper doctors have more reason - are fools to dismiss what their patients say as the ramblings of underlings who know nothing. Even Dr G held it against Dawn that she said nothing when seized by nursing staff who went on to take her away to Sutton-in-Ashfield for her detention at the end of 2005: he honestly regarded muteness as a symptom of illness. The way they should think is they are not clever enough to understand what their patients are on about (and even I have slight difficulty if faced with total absence of uttered words). Armond entirely disregarded what I said, which was to the effect that the medication was doing me ill not well, and thought he knew that (to harp as usual) antischizophrenic drugs do not affect intelligence and therefore cannot cause any mental debilitation. I repeat, it is absurd beyond utterance to decide for someone else if they are happy or unhappy in their given situation. To bring an absconding patient back to detention saying he is happier in detention is so ridiculous I conclude it really must be true that the lunatics have taken over the asylum.
09/08/08 22:31
The wires are now switched over - with less finger-strain, due no doubt to the learning curve - so that the four-gang mains extension in the loft is now permanently powered (so, now I think, it would be as well to check whether it has a fuse built-in) this giving rise to achievement emotion for me, focusing (as I was the other day) on successes thus far and, in a species of not worrying over things outside of the current sub-stage, leaving out consideration of much yet to come.
Reflecting also, in the interlude to my thought processes at times I am engaged in fairly routine physical fiddling (driving a motor vehicle is good for this), about recent events in The Experiment relating to ‘confidence’: I should imagine (even though it has been so difficult to entertain the notion that psychiatric workers really do live in such a fantasy world) that events at Planet Mobile (Kiosk KX in the Merry Hill shopping mall, outside the O2 store) when Dawn’s new - well, second-hand - mobile was stolen and the man seemingly in charge at Planet Mobile said (almost, but for a slight change of tense in the direction of the subjunctive) that it had been lost through my stupidity were expected to reveal that I had less ‘confidence’ (then receiving little ASM if any at all) than when I was being medicated at conventional dosage levels. I have to say - and the same was true on an occasion in 2004 when Zoë’s purported boyfriend said I seemed to him to be nervous (because my foot was twitching and I had other similar physical symptoms) - that I do not regard matters in that sort of light. I believe the reason for this is that my frontal brain plays such a significant role, and under other circumstances I might appear a severe school-ma’am (as I always imagine Simone de Beauvoir appearing - appearing when she was alive, that is), because in a sense I regard the world in a cold intellectual light. When the man mentioned stupidity what went through my mind was an amalgam of ideas about intelligence and how simple-minded it is for people - people who one would hope could know better - to believe intelligence is the be-all and end-all of measuring the intellect. I would guess a person with a schizophrenic brain would have a similar amalgam of ideas arising, and for that reason would not be offended by what might conventionally be regarded as insults. The difference of course is that even with these amalgams going on in my head I maintain coherence indeed sufficient coherence to be able to converse with people in an ordinary sort of way.
10/08/08 14:14 [Sunday]
I woke up just on 4 am and found my mind, shortly after I got up (in the kitchen debating what it was safe to take by mouth), was running on on the subject of whether I might have been subject to ‘hypnotising’ voicing shortly before I woke up, and whether - given the time of exactly 4 am - the voicing might have wakened me. This waste of my thinking effort - both considering what foods might be safe and considering whether I might have been interfered with by unwanted voicing during my sleep - was directly consequent on the fact of The Experiment; but for The Experiment having without doubt in the past foisted drugs and without doubt in the past foisted voicing when I was not awake in the normal meaning of the word, my mind would have been free to pursue interests of my own. I do not know if the presumed ‘overseers’ now in ultimate control of The Experiment understand what as far as I can see is unarguably unethical in pursuing such an Experiment, but in the past the perpetrators have carried on regardless, motivated by a desire for continuing employment and putting forward the view (I imagine) that being voiced to is not particularly harsh even if the voicing is unasked-for (and the voicing might in fact be used to offer helpful advice, they would pretend) and since I could not know for certain that I was being drugged (and anyway the drugs were a benefit not a hurt, they would delude themselves) I had no justifiable complaint.
Writing this is a waste of my time and effort, and an interruption to my own activities (an interruption which if I were given drugs reducing my powers of self-organisation could be a serious interference), but since I need perforce to think about the question anyway (see below) writing my thoughts down may have the benefit of convincing the ‘overseers’ what hurt being voiced to (in the past if not last night, but see below) does me and particularly when (in the past) combined with drugs reducing my powers of self-organisation.
Immediately preceding my starting to write (at 14:14) I had a surge of something ‘niggling’ at me all day, that is a desire to visit Coventry. It’s true that when we went recently I had a most enjoyable time, by contrast with times in the past I visited Coventry with my Dad (who for one thing was always making negative comments about the new cathedral being nothing but a concert hall), and I would like to go again; however the desire to go today - and particularly since the desire seems to have dissolved around 2 pm to be replaced by this writing, which could imply that the putative voicers urged me to pay the visit today and if not (giving 2 pm as a deadline perhaps) to explain myself in a diary entry such as this one - seems so strong and so specific (certainly prior to 2 pm it was) that the desire may well have been raised by the hypnotising voicing I am hypothesising. As I said a few weeks back of the re-preparation I was trying to do then of my 2005 website diary, to do something I want to do myself but to be given a schedule for it by someone else - not as part of a paid employment either - spoils the enjoyment of doing it. Half the enjoyment of doing stuff, for me, lies in planning how to get it done efficiently and following the plan with sufficient variation along the way (perforce sometimes, if things ‘go wrong’) to learn how to do better in future. My mother represented this trait I have as a distaste for discipline: I didn’t like going to school (certainly in my first few years at the grammar school) because the school timetabled what I was to do. I hankered, in looking ahead to what employment I might find after school and university, to being my own boss in some version of self-employment.
So having written this I can hope it will not fall on deaf ears and readers with influence will understand how wrong it is to intrude unwanted advice to me especially when I am not properly awake. What I can hope to do is better my detection methods and turn them somehow into measures of prevention, in respect of voicing reaching my ears when I am asleep. While this task is something of a distraction it does have its interesting side, and the difference (between how I feel about needing to perfect defensive measures to combat nighttime voicing versus how I feel about being urged to visit Coventry at a time other than of my own choosing) is explainable in terms of my wakefulness now in planning the combat and the fact that it will be ‘all my own work’ (and as part and parcel of this, the fact that I can exercise creativity, as well as enjoying learning to do better, in combatting the voicing).
I should say that it is not certain that I have been urged by ‘hypnotising’ voicers to visit Coventry, but I believe it is most likely I have because of the strength of the distraction I have suffered, which otherwise would need to be explained as some sort of resurgence from voicing I have suffered in months and years gone by. I would also comment that turning this experience into this ‘story’ for my diary and probably for my website is part of the advantage to me in being so introspective, an advantage I have previously compared to a journalist benefiting from things going wrong because even unhappy events give him a story to report.
10/08/08 18:51
I have been thinking along these lines: given that State-run organisations (such as local councils) and organisations which are nominally independent but have a history as Nationalised Industries (notoriously BT) are permitted to defraud me of money, or take money in what on the face of it is fraud, I conclude that I am - and Dawn also is now - a ward of the State and our money is not genuinely our own. This is somewhat frightening in that the State has such power, and it is wielded (as far as I now understand it) by the Mental Health Act Commission in its application to me and us. In the past the officials wielding the power have been permitted to carry on in the lackadaisical way I now understand is commonplace in mental healthcare in Britain, and have misunderstood practically every aspect of my behaviour. This explains things which have baffled me supremely in recent months: for example a comment from a fellow-traveller actor engaged (one of many on the train that day) by the Mental Health Act Authorities to play a part in trying to get me under official treatment (that has been ultimately the aim, it seems clear) which indicated the ‘thinkers’ trying to guess what I might do thought I might abscond to somewhere in the distant north on that occasion (or at least they felt it was not out of the question).
The situation has been complicated by concealing from me that this was the case: that I was a ward of the State and did not have complete control over my own life. Therefore I have wasted effort trying to prove (for example) that the supposed fine imposed in 2004 by Kidderminster Magistrates was a sham (no points being put on my driving licence in a case where they should have been). I do not know if the concealment was mainly for my supposed benefit (not to send me loony to think such interference was being perpetrated) or more to save the Government embarrassment (because it does seem ludicrous if such a large amount in resources is spent on ‘looking after’ me as a supposed mental patient who suffered misfortune from Armond’s perpetrations in the 1980s). I suspect it is the latter and this explains the endeavours to silence my publishing the facts, which entailed last autumn making national newspapers unavailable to me by phone from Nottinghamshire.
It has been hopeful for me since improperly detaining me under the Mental Health Act has been ruled out (seemingly), being replaced by just plain silly attempts to get me to report myself as ill on the basis (for example) that there were an inordinate number of cars driving round the roads of Kingswinford a month or two back. The silliness of these attempts shows up to me, and surely it must to others with sense - so long as my message is no longer being put a stop to by the Mental Health Act Commissionaire censors - that those running the mental healthcare system in Britain are unfit. I hope I can put a good construction on the continuance of the expenditure on what I will still call The Experiment, that is that the justification now is that so much is being learnt from the perpetrations of the Mental Health Act Commission and its associates, psychiatrists in the NHS.
11/08/08 08:32 [Monday]
Earlier this morning - between one hour and two hours ago, I estimate - I was wondering whether drugs had got into me even though all I had taken by mouth at that stage was water collected from the cold tap serving our bath to fill a 5l container, yesterday. The tapwater recently in its effect on Dawn and on myself to the extent I have myself risked sampling it has seemed undrugged. The effects in question an hour or so ago could have been described as stimulant effects, and certainly I felt what I shall call keen. The physical symptoms however, when I asked myself in detail, were limited to seeming dilatation of the nasal passages - I seemed to be breathing particularly clearly - and an effect something like tinnitus but which as far as I could determine consisted of dilation of the passages serving the ear, giving an effect of exaggerated notice of breaths of air (including the sound of my own breathing) and generally exaggerated auditory awareness. Having stated the matter in those terms my guess would be that some mild stimulant like ephedrine was acting, but at the time my best guess was that this exaggerated sensory awareness was a rebound from an opium-like sedative I suffered the day before yesterday and a day or two before that, and whose effects persisted into yesterday morning. Dawn is suffering the effects of this sedative still, with the result that as in times gone by (on and off) she is still now heavily asleep. I think the drug in question must have come (into Dawn) from milk bought at Waitrose Stourbridge on Saturday and probably I was right to suspect also dairy products like cheese bought in the days preceding (cheese of which we have a small quantity remaining).
On Saturday I was suffering confusion of mind presumably consequent on the drug - this sedative drug in the dairy products, possibly opium or opium-like - already in me (this was before we bought the milk). One result was that I forgot my bag - containing the laptop I had with me - when we came away from a bookshop in Stourbridge. We returned to the shop but the bookseller must have been out to lunch so after a bit of a wait I left a note (mentioning my websites in a footnote, for one thing: so I was pleased at that aspect of my ‘error’, that it gave me a prompt to advertise my websites) and we returned later to collect the bag with its contents intact.
That day we bought some filter coffee from Waitrose, and I remember enough detail to know that it was Fairtrade coffee from Taylor’s of Harrogate. This coffee I cannot now find (as a result I am this morning without coffee); and Dawn couldn’t find it yesterday. My presumption - bearing in mind what I have read in the past of the effects of opium, in the book The Moonstone for one - is that either Dawn or I have unpacked the shopping and put this coffee somewhere out of the way in a manner I can call forgetful, affected by this opium-related sedative drug. What I point out is that this drug does not interfere so much with detail (resolution of thinking and memory) as with organisation of one’s memories and one’s mental activities including planning (so that, for example, one does not maintain proper track in one’s internal model of the world, where things have been put). It is, in not interfering badly with resolution, not so bad as antischizophrenic drugs prescribed inappropriately. To combine this opium-like drug with antischizophrenic drugs as was done in my past, and in myself a person particularly sensitive to effects of these drugs, I can only call negligent, and especially so since hardly any monitoring of the results was undertaken. My hope and close to my presumption is that the evidence I report here is wanted in an assessment being undertaken of the misuse I have suffered over the years (and if there is any assessment going on it will have concluded already, with certainty, that it is misuse I have suffered and not any sort of help).
When I was speaking recently of ‘rape’ drugs and advantage-taking, I was not certain what drugs had these effects. In myself the result of these drugs - and it may require a combination of drugs, possibly for example antischizophrenic drugs with an opium-like agent - is that I become paranoid. This is because I am aware when the drugs are acting that I am open to being taken advantage of. Moreover I connect the possibility of being taken advantage of with my past, when I truly was taken advantage of in being detained improperly under the Mental Health Act in the absence of ability to fight my corner, or indeed sensibly to state my case. This was made more likely to happen because I had a history of detentions under the Mental Health Act, and I must blame Armond for originating the series of detentions each making a future detention (and the mis-diagnosis continuing) more likely. I repeat what I have said before: to hide powerful drugs in foods is simply ridiculous; and further it is most regrettable that professionals do not understand to any useful degree the effects or the mode of action of dopamine-blocking drugs.
This morning in what surely I am right to call a rebound effect after failure of organisation under the influence of the opium-like drug I have been tidying up the physical arrangements in the bungalow (made more disorderly by the electrical work I have been doing towards improving our security). It is possible, furthermore, that the overactivity of mind as I woke up yesterday morning, which I blamed as the most likely hypothesis on nighttime voicing putting puzzling words in my ear, may have been an effect of the opium-like drug, possibly as sedative effects abated as the drug wore off. The ‘deadline’, as I thought of it, of 2 pm yesterday might in fact have represented the time effects of the drug in my metabolism had entirely ceased.
11/08/08 09:59
My mind is reduced in clarity now by a drug I should think is the opium-related sedative. I should think it has come from cider bought at Waitrose on Saturday and which I drank over the past say ninety minutes, although it may have come from the tapwater I risked earlier (the only other thing I have taken by mouth is a Kit-Kat bought at Sainsbury’s a while back). While I am dismayed to have suffered further drugging, and it seems entirely out of my control that is there seems no way - given the power of the Government in making these arrangements - I can totally evade being drugged, I am able to retain some hope for the future. This surely must be related to the absence of ASM blocking dopamine: that is it is only the opium-like agent acting on me. For example, I am able to recollect - I have sufficient detail of memory to be able to recollect - that a number of months back ‘agents’ became aware of the adverse effect I was then suffering (mainly due to antischizophrenic drugs, I reckon) of pain to the soles of my feet when I walked any distance, and seemed to want to find out about what it is I suffer from the drugs. This is a change from previously: in 2004 for example I reported this problem with the soles of my feet, both in letters to Caroline’s address in Bristol and in person on visiting Bassetlaw Hospital A + E, yet my complaints were totally disregarded: in fact a doctor at Bassetlaw said there was nothing wrong with my feet and it was (he implied) my imagination.
I am also (again) able to comprehend that so much in resources would not be being spent merely to silence my complaints, or even simply to pursue the scheme as it was in the past (‘The Experiment’); I conclude the expenditure is on the basis that so much is being found out about mental healthcare in Britain and about what effects drugs in use have. Still, my freedom is being overridden in making drugs unevadable and also in (I’m sure) interfering with solicitors’ willingness to take on the case I have against Armond for the misdiagnosis (to put it mildly) which resulted in my situation over the decades and now, and with what would otherwise be actions the police should naturally take, for example in blocking a stolen mobile phone.
I remember the first time in recent years I suspected I was being hypnotised, and that was around the start of 2004 when I mentioned my suspicions to people on AOL. When I was under the wing of Barbara say around 2001-2002 I had no such suspicions, nor in the preceding decades (since the mid 1980s). It seems clear that after I ‘ran away’ in September 2003 I was drugged into a trance state and interviewed at the house I was renting in Retford, the reason being the perpetrators had been given the obligation of ‘looking after’ me as I was no longer under Barbara’s guidance. The mode they found to ‘look after’ me - when Caroline turned out to be an unsatisfactory mode - was to cause me to behave in an unusual way (giving me stimulant drugs) and then seizing me and conveying me to detention in Bassetlaw Hospital (September 2004). These ‘perpetrators’ are the people I am now thinking of as from the Mental Health Act Commission, but now to my joy it seems a virtual certainty they have been superseded by people with more independent sense (the ‘overseers’). I have to say it is very difficult to avoid the view that the strong-arm tactics the perpetrators used in 2005 (trying, I’m sure, to split up my marriage to Dawn) including compelling medication on me in October 2005 (unnecessarily, as mental health staff with practical experience at Bassetlaw could see) must have been an attempt to cover up the previous year’s perpetrations (in which, for one thing, I had lost an awful lot of money gambling online). The complexity of what has been done to me over the years - starting out from Armond’s simple-minded distaste for unsociability (with possibly the involvement of Kate Bush’s family) and developing into a scheme of misunderstanding and folly by seemingly the Mental Health Act Commission - is something which has escaped my adequate comprehension as I have been medicated with dopamine-blocking drugs. This complexity has included - something I could not get my head round when given antidopamine drugs - alterations in the attitude of the perpetrators (possibly the personnel changed, or otherwise the managers were rattled by events of 2004 when - as I say - I lost a lot of money and it was their responsibility): in 2004 during our ‘interviews’ when I was in a trance state they seemed quite sensible and friendly, and were interested in discussing the reasons people do things and in advising me on hypnosis and on opium (as was Caroline in one phase, from which I concluded she was knowledgeable from the outset on matters of psychology, but now my presumption is that like Zoë she was given a crash course after they became involved in my life). In 2005 the perpetrators seemed more or less criminals, breaking into our house in Worksop and smashing a computer, and not adequately looking after my interests in that things got lost while I was in hospital and fuddled by the opium-like drug. (It seems a possibility this can be explained by the personnel then being from Nottinghamshire: from what I can determine, trying to view the subject without bias, Bassetlaw Hospital is one of the least good hospitals in the NHS.)
It may be that my suspicions are well-founded in regard to giving out medication if prescribers from Nottinghamshire have a say: the reason we decided to live in Kingswinford was that I felt so much better here, visiting in early 2006 with the idea initially of selling up in Kingswinford, and the reason for that may well have been that antischizophrenic drugs put in the water supply at the house in Worksop were over-done. On a recent visit to Nottinghamshire I seemed to suffer an intolerable dosage of antischizophrenic drugs foisted.
11/08/08 19:16
On the train back from Coventry I have found a table (this being a Virgin Pendolino) where I can plug in my laptop so that I am entitled to hope the battery will last me between Birmingham and Stourbridge.
Having reached a stage in the Visual field analysis programming where the prog works pretty well - in fact separating characters rather too much, causing them to break up into fragments to a degree some individual characters - I find I have an inclination to write down an explanation of the way the prog is supposed to do its stuff, stage by stage. This I think must be due to my freedom from dopamine-blocking drugs, since previously I have never enjoyed such a capacity for overview or when I have have not felt confident enough that it will last to spend time writing down the overview exposition.
The main controlling procedure (after some initial setting up of parameters like the number of lineages to read from the scan supposedly a document of text, when in a test instance not every lineage is being processed) is LoadAndProcessScan:
Public Sub LoadAndProcessScan(picfilename As String) ' If picfilename is not empty it contains the picture filename in the App.Path folder
Dim x As Long, y As Long
Dim g As Integer
Dim n As Date
wherewearestring = “Entered LoadAndProcessScan”
Call initial_setup(picfilename)
starttime = Now
Print #logfnum, “Starting to read document at " + formatNow_astimestamp
linesskipped1 = 0
linesprocessed = 1
unscaledytop_withinpicturerenderedonscreen = 1
wherewearestring = “Searching document for first lineage of text”
Do
If Not another_lineageoftext Then Exit Do
Loop ' Loop to next lineage of text
Rem Call closedocument ' This is for when we are writing DocumentChars
SavePicture FormForDisplayingLineages.AppendPic.Image, debugfolder + “VisualFieldDebug_AppendPic.jpg”
Print #logfnum, “Closing document at " + formatNow_astimestamp
Print #debugfnum,
Print #debugfnum, “Closing document at " + formatNow_astimestamp
n = Now
elapsedtime = DateDiff(“s”, starttime, n)
Print #logfnum, “Total elapsed time:” + Str$(Round(elapsedtime, 2)) + " secs”
If charswritten > 0 Then
Print #logfnum, “Characters read:” + Str$(charswritten)
End If
Print #logfnum, “Lines read:” + Str$(linesprocessed)
If charswritten > 0 Then
Print #logfnum, “Average time per character:” + Str$(elapsedtime / charswritten) + " secs”
Print #logfnum, “Average time per lineage:” + Str$(elapsedtime / linesprocessed) + " secs”
End If
FormForDisplayingWorkingDocument.TextStatus.Text = “Status: End”
FormForDisplayingWorkingDocument.Refresh
MsgBox (“Normal termination after” + vbCrLf + Str$(Round(elapsedtime, 2)) + " secs”)
End
End Sub
11/08/08 22:27
I am suffering petering-out of sequences of thoughts and activity. I’m fairly sure this is due to ASM in butter bought on Saturday at Waitrose Stourbridge. This conclusion is based on similar effects from other dairy products recently, including milk bought on the same occasion from Waitrose. I find if I have a high degree of motivation stuff gets done despite the tendency for sequences of thoughts and activities to peter out. I have chucked the rest of the butter, and I have set up again the security arrangement we had in place last night whereby motion detected triggers more than one security light to come on at the same time.
Dawn had similar effects from milk she chose to buy this evening at M + S on New Street station. In her case stimulant effects were more noticeable at first: in fact they were very noticeable in her raised tone of voice and aggressive manner. In my case the stimulant effects have mainly been physical and now (for example) I have muscle cramps in my legs.
12/08/08 03:03 [Tuesday]
I ‘feel invited’ (as I used to say more than I do now) to try to solve difficulties I have, and to do it more from my own resources than by trying to have an effect on other people. I have no physical evidence that I have been addressed ‘hypnotising’ words to this effect (although it possibly exists, if I were to listen through my various audio recordings) but it would make sense. When I have tried to have an effect on other people, that is to discourage them from participating in drugging me, it has been through means such as writing letters to food companies saying there were drugs in their foods. This for one thing has ‘spread the word’ that I am given drugs which I do not want, by surreptitious means. In some instances I suspect ‘the Authorities’ have suffered embarrassment from food companies being alerted that their products have been contaminated without consulting them first, and this of course they have a right to feel aggrieved about particularly since I seem to be proving my point, and eventually it will be accepted everywhere as the truth, that the drugs put in foods have done me hurt and no good. I think most likely Microsoft are still not aware of the interference with the copies of their websites supplied to me via my Virgin Media connection, but they too will feel aggrieved if and when they do discover the truth, because (again this will soon - I hope soon - be a fact accepted everywhere) I, being a computer whizz even though unexpectedly to ‘the Authorities’ because I had no ‘official standing’ that is I was not in employment or in self-employment in the field, could have made better use of the facilities Microsoft provide had they not been interfered with. This ‘better use’ would have enabled me to get clever stuff done quicker on Microsoft Windows computers (had I not had to waste time trying to get round flaws in operating systems, for example) with the result that I might have made money for myself or for the economy (or for an employer possibly Microsoft themselves), and might well have gained the ‘official standing’ I still lack by virtue of (say) publishing clever stuff on character recognition on the internet. Because of foolish presuppositions by mental health trained workers (or whoever ‘the Authorities’ have employed as foot-soldiers) to the effect that all I could possibly be interested in a computer for was to talk to people in AOL chat-rooms, the things I might have done productively much sooner and quicker have not got done. It may still be the case that my character recognition stuff is not appreciated for its worth, but still the fact that I can (undrugged and otherwise uninterfered with) get complex computer programs written and working damn quick could have earned me very large amounts of money.
The difficulties first presenting themselves to me this morning are related to effects of ASM. This ASM I took in almost certainly from butter I used on sandwiches last night (around 9 pm) which was butter bought last Saturday at Waitrose Stourbridge. The reasons I feel sure of the source are (1) the time of onset of the effects, that is soon after eating the sandwiches; (2) computation (that is, from assessing the evidence) recently - that is before using the butter last night - that dairy products lately have been contaminated with drugs and the evidence points to the drugs being antischizophrenic drugs combined with stimulants (the evidence consisting partly of observation of effects Dawn has suffered eg from milk): this meant that I had an antecedent suspicion of the butter, leading to me moderating my use of it (and chucking the remainder after the unfortunate effects had started). The unpleasant effects first making themselves apparent this morning (given that last night I suffered ‘petering out’ of sequences of thoughts as I noted at the time, and went to bed not exactly because I was sleepy but because I could not get anything useful done with my mind in the condition it was in) are physical effects (counting also sleep disturbance as a close-to-physical effect). When I woke up I was neither properly awake nor properly asleep, the latter meaning lying in bed tossing and turning would have been simply a waste of time when, even though not fully awake, I do better - as is being proved - by getting up and hoping to wake up more and more with the passing of minutes (into hours). The problem most noticeable after I had got up was discomfort in the stomach, a large part of this problem being the presence of internal wind. Having expelled a lot of this wind (I have been up almost an hour and a half: it is now 12/08/08 03:40) the tummy upset has more or less resolved. I use the word resolve because, the physical symptom of headache having shown itself (with concentrating on writing this I suppose), I think I may risk taking a Resolve powder because not only should that kill the headache (presuming it contains nothing improper, and my estimate is that it won’t) it should also help the tummy upset come to a complete end (until something starts it again if I cannot evade a further ingestion of unwanted drugs, say).
I break off to note down that looking back at what I have just been typing, I was momentarily disconcerted to see the timestamp 12/08/08 03:40 not where it had been. The reason is that the vertical scroll bar had just appeared (with the quantity of text typed). The point I make is that needing to puzzle over something which I might ordinarily have understood instantly was a slight worry and would (I believe) have been a much worse worry had I been affected by a higher dosage of dopamine-blocking drug and much worse still had the opium-like drug been admixed.
Another unpleasant physical symptom I have is what I used to think of as a sinus problem, close to being pain and certainly deserving to be called discomfort. I have found no solution to this, although the closest to easing the discomfort I believe came from using nasal inhalers such as Vick’s or Olbas. However, the discomfort extends to the back of the nose where it joins the throat.
12/08/08 03:56
I have taken the Resolve powder and it turns out to be Resolve Extra, so I am entitled to hope the caffeine may wake me up a bit (we still can’t find the filter coffee we bought at Waitrose). The use of an Olbas nasal inhaler has been a surprising success in respect of the ‘sinus’ problem, which has now settled into what I can call a mild sore throat.
Before I started writing at 03:03 (and only now do I notice that time of so close to 3 am on the dot: this I take to be ‘under-notice’ of coincidences, caused by the dopamine blocking) I had solved a difficulty I find with the touchpad on this new Vaio. I found that because of the large size of the touchpad and where I naturally place my hand (to the right of the touchpad), the finger on the touchpad was not reaching far enough leftward so that unwanted scrolling was occurring from touching the region down the right-hand side of the touchpad. It is possible to turn off such facilities as different areas of the touchpad performing special functions, but my solution thus far has been to cover the right-hand area of the touchpad with a piece of cardboard held in place with Blu Tack. This actually has pleased me greatly, and I interpret my reaction as supporting the allegation I believe is made of risperidone - I take it the drug affecting me is risperidone or something like it, but most likely risperidone as in the past I have been officially prescribed it and its effect on me observed (to the degree such observation has ever been done properly) - that it boosts or certainly does not lower the level of serotonin, and hence it is not surprising that I am capable of achievement emotion (to use my terminology).
The point I would make about this solution I came up with of the cardboard cover over the touchpad is that it was a slow process to get it right, that is much slower than had I not been affected by this risperidone (as I believe it to be). The reason for the slowness was the relative unavailability - that is the slowness to come forward - of ideas (cognate with hypotheses in trying to find explanatory theories) required for completion of the solution. I mean for example thinking up what to try out to fix the cardboard in place (superglue first suggested itself to me) and then thinking where to find the Blu Tack in the physical universe. This corresponds with what my ‘hypnotising’ interlocutors told me in 2004, that antischizophrenic drugs simply slow down the mental processes. Much of my unfortunate response of paranoia in the recent period evidently has come from the opium or whatever it is being combined with the antischizophrenic drug. Still, antischizophrenic drugs reduce the degree to which I participate in life and do me no good, and are certainly not needed, so I hope they will be discontinued. In fact, I daresay the dosage I am suffering now is a very low dosage. I say this because I have had the problem with the muscles in my legs - a very great problem I found around the beginning of 2006 and presumably caused by the risperidone in the dosages then given - to only a very limited degree last night and overnight.
12/08/08 04:35
I now have a mild version of what I call yawnative. My best guess what this is - given that I have drunk two glasses of tapwater from the same reserve as yesterday morning I guessed might contain a stimulant like ephedrine, that is one glass of orange squash soon after I got up and a second glass for the Resolve powder - is physical restlessness created by such a stimulant as ephedrine when the mind is not capable of thinking up sensible directions for the body to follow (ie to put the stimulation to the body to good use). The relationship with yawning would come from the effect of dilating the passages used in breathing (however I do not believe the effect now is due solely to the Olbas: given the evidence from yesterday about the tapwater, for example; also the Olbas while affecting the breathing passages would not have a stimulant effect on the nervous system, creating physical restlessness; also the Olbas on its own would not turn the ‘sinus’ problem into what it has now turned into, that is a sore throat or rather a hoarse throat created, I am sure, from increased muscle tone in the larynx).
12/08/08 06:26
The reason I have tried to have an effect on other people in putting a stop to the interference in my life - the reason recently, certainly: leading for example to my singing the dispraise of Tesco, and writing to my MP and to the police, and to my publishing on my website facts which ought to embarrass those taking advantage of me - is that it stands a reasonable chance of success. The MP and the police, if I can obtain a hearing sufficient to allow them to see that I am not mentally ill (and I am grateful to police officers I have spoken with - those sent one recent weekend seemingly after a call - although anonymous - from a man who when they arrived sped off in a car reg DY55 FPE I have seen at times parked outside a house seemingly associated with the Mulberry Restaurant ‘off Load Street Bewdley’ - for their sense, and I am puzzled by reactions such as that of an agent standing by a month or so back when I spoke to a Police Community Service Officer at Stourbridge Town railway station and alerted her that Dawn was affected by drugs, seemingly from the tapwater, so that erratic behaviour she might exhibit - later on, I feared - should not be taken as symptomatic of mental illness: the agent observing ‘for the Authorities’ seemed astonished by my version which he must have known was true, or known was likely to be true, but what interpretation to place on his astonishment I do not know); the MP and the police ought to find out the truth, which is that my time and mental resources have been wasted - time I could have used to make money in employment - because of the anomalies introduced into my environment by ‘The Experiment’ (an example being the supposed fine from Kidderminster Magistrates without the usual points being put on my driving licence) these anomalies associated with great distress I was caused (so that I was very motivated to investigate the anomalies), by detention against my will and by drugging to which I had a severe reaction. On top of that the drugging itself reduced my mental acuity so that I needed more effort, actually, to try to combat the interference, than ordinarily I would. I could have taken the steps which recently have proved a success - such as writing to the police and my MP, and making loud complaints about the likes of Tesco - had my confidence and ability to put forward my argument not been downgraded by the drugs.
This morning I hope to publish on my Blogspot blog the text of my most recent letter to the West Midlands Chief Constable. I am having pause though, and probably the reason is that ‘hypnotising’ voices discourage such a course. However the letter contains a lot of information about the misuse I have suffered and should - from my Blogspot blog - reach people with influence such as some MPs. Sometimes I think there may be a definite scheme to gather evidence for a legal process which will help me put a stop to the interference and obtain compensation. In such a case it is less worth my while to strive to ensure my Blogspot blog gets across as it should - given the interference in the past with my internet connection, I mean - or to think of paying out myself for legal help. As regards the latter however I cannot understand why I have received no reply from Silks Solicitors to my request to them to help me pursue my complaint against Armond, and must suspect the former scheme is still in place whereby solicitors like Silks were given to believe, in advance, that I was mentally unsound and they would do better not to take me on as a client.
12/08/08 07:30
I wrote a letter to the West Midlands Chief Constable dated 7 July 2008 with an annexe which cost me some effort giving clear evidence that Royal Mail treats my mail in a special way and that the Royal Mail website is not trustworthy in information it yields when it comes to letters I have sent. It strikes me that the perpetration of distortion to Royal Mail’s procedures is surely a matter already known to the police, and in a sense I wasted my effort. The point is I cannot know, when such distortions are perpetrated, if checks and balances which should be in place to look after my interests (because the usual checks and balances are overridden: another example arose when Dawn was detained beyond the time I as nearest relative ordered her discharge from hospital) are any good. Plainly in some cases they are not, in that I have suffered greatly, in particular from the people supplying the drugs not adequately assessing their effects on me. I am now seemingly encouraged to expose what the adverse effects of drugs have been, and I must hope this leads to sufficient understanding among people who have the final say in such matters - and really it must be a Court or some sort of judicial review - that I am given fair (which implies very large) compensation.
12/08/08 07:51
Take the example of our recent wasted trip (at least partially wasted) to Liverpool. I have written to Select Service Partner as responsible for Upper Crust on Crewe station asking for compensation to cover a repeat of the trip (at least I think I have, although due to some combination of drug-induced confusion and possibly entry to our bungalow and theft, or pickpocketing perhaps before I got home, I do not have a post office receipt for the posting). The amount is not insignificant to us at over £50 (though even wasted jars of marmalade costing little more than one pound add up if many items are drugged and hence chucked). If there is in place the Board of Enquiry I am hoping for, then I do not need to pursue Select Service Partner. But if I can get the amount repaid to us we should be able to repeat the trip hopefully with greater success than when Dawn was suffering sedative effects last time, from crisps bought at Upper Crust on Crewe station. So I shall send another copy of the letter.
12/08/08 08:36
I have nasal congestion now, and sort of stuffiness in my head. I suppose it is a possibility there are drugs in the tapwater I collected which like the presumed ephedrine are cheap enough to be wasted for a while (if the hour when I am going to collect the water is fairly predictable) and which produce these effects (as a device to confuse me perhaps). The other possibility is that these are more physical effects of last night’s ingestion of risperidone, later appearing. Because they were not in evidence when I got up and surely they would not come on after such a delay, as the psychological effects had almost worn off, I conclude these effects are from a fairly harmless cheap drug put in the water supply alongside what I am guessing is ephedrine.
I need not regard such action as an attempt to confuse, trick or deceive me (no longer paranoid I am happy to make clear to the Court, or rather the presumed Court). The purpose may be to test the veracity and accuracy (and completeness) of my reports of effects I suffer, given that I cannot be sure whence the drugs have got into me (however so long as I can think with clarity and detail I can feel fairly sure I’m right).
If I can convey in this way the adverse effects I suffer from drugs, why could I not convey them in the past to prescribers? The answer plainly is that some - and to be specific, most notoriously Armond - thought he knew in advance, and paid very little heed to what I had to say. He was more expert than I. In fact on one occasion he stated - this was at an early interview when I disagreed with him on some aspect of what might be likely in schizophrenia - ‘I’ve seen more schizophrenics than you have’. He had seen schizophrenia but had not listened to patients or certainly not for long when he found (like all psychiatrists I suppose) that he wasn’t up to following what they meant, and had thereafter imposed his own ideas of treatment and of interpretation, based on the fantasies he had read in texts on psychiatry. I daresay my reaction to the drugs used is exceptionally sensitive, but what is the point of giving test doses if sensitivity is not noted? My guess is - based on Dr G in autumn 2005 starting me on very low dosages of Risperdal, yet not seeing any reason not to continue with increasing them - that all that is looked for in assessing sensitivity are physical or more-or-less physical ‘side-effects’. On the other hand even when I reported to Dr G my legs problem, and it must also have been observed that I was very sleepy and nodded off frequently, the dosages were continued and increased. (However it was a special case in that someone, presumably representing the Mental Health Act Commission, was instructing Dr G that I must be given medication. I still hold Dr G in high regard for taking himself off my case, as the best he could do faced with the seniority of, presumably, the Mental Health Act Commissionaires.)
12/08/08 09:12
Consider the case of someone lying, that is exaggerating the problems he has from medication, which is what may be being tested for in my case with these ‘confusional’ effects like nasal stuffiness. Why would a patient lie about adverse reactions? Surely it must be to get himself taken off the medication. This is where I cannot follow what passes for sanity in the heads of prescribers: if the patient doesn’t want the medication, surely he can’t like it? So if it is compelled on him it is because those compelling it, or those they represent (the patient’s family perhaps), like the effect of the medication even though the patient doesn’t. I cannot find any logical interpretation of the notion that the patient must be happier or better off if he is given, or made to have, something he rejects (and as I have said, if his words are doubted or not comprehensible - this doesn’t apply if he votes with his feet by exaggerating the adverse effects he suffers - then let him choose between yellow tablets and pink tablets one of which is consistently placebo and the other of which is always the real thing, and see which he chooses).
12/08/08 10:08
Yesterday afternoon on the train homeward my mind seemed very clear (as it had last time we returned from Coventry) and in particular my frontal brain (this is the way I model what happens) was forming overviews - for example relating to my Visual field analysis program - and these overviews were being brought to bear in a proper way in my actions in the real world. This happy situation has come to an end this morning - or an intermission - and I think the reason must be the sedative drug, possibly an opium-like drug, in the tapwater I have been using (and associated with the nasal congestion and stuffiness in the head). Yesterday I thought this drug must have got into me from cider I had drunk bought at Waitrose in Stourbridge, but my preferred hypothesis this morning is the tapwater.
My guess is that the opium is provided mainly in the hope that Dawn will take it, so that she can be given amphetamine-like stimulants when we are out and about (for example yesterday in coffee at the cathedral tea-room in Coventry, I think, and later when she bought and drank a pint of milk from M + S on New Street station) because while she sometimes shows an angry reaction given such drugs they do encourage her to speak her mind and enable her to speak lucidly (as on the phone to her daughter the Sunday just over two weeks ago on our return from Liverpool). (Although I also drank coffee in the cathedral tea-room the effect on me was negligible; it is possible the coffee put in front of me did not contain any drugs but equally the difference may represent solely Dawn’s additional sensitivity to amphetamine and related stimulants.)
12/08/08 11:24
I have had to go back to bed and rest, affected by the sedative drug in the tapwater, and lying with Dawn who was evidently quite content under the effect of the drugs acting on her I asked myself about the difference in our reactions. The first thing is that I do not believe Dawn is as troubled as I am if there are discrepancies or other activating signals in her physical environment. Yesterday travelling on the bus home from Stourbridge I knew she was affected by a powerful stimulant which had caused her to utter angry words on and off over the course of the day. Thinking back to my own similar experiences, and noticing a flashing yellow light on a vehicle, I wondered if Dawn would react as sometimes I used to that is with anger to the flashing light. She did not.
The reason is that she has fewer synapses feeding data to her brain from the physical environment, and as part and parcel of this she is more ‘in a world of her own’ that is thinking her own thoughts and therefore finding coping with physical reality (without myself there to stand in as required in coping) problematic. I have in the past been confused in my understanding of this, since Dawn has always been more sociable than I, which I took to mean she was more connected with the real world. I think in fact there are interactions of factors. Although she finds communicating with people difficult, and particularly people she doesn’t know well and particularly people who are abrasive and unlike herself, and may well many of them disapprove of backwardness in coming forward (because ‘confidence’ is a trait widely held to be desirable, and even sociability qua sociability is in some quarters, to be as it were the life and soul of the party and outgoing and all that) and regrettably many psychiatrists hold that backwardness in coming forward is undesirable and certainly Armond did, Dawn if she can find tolerant people who will take the strain from her of interacting with reality desires to be with them. Of course mental health workers may some of them do this, and also Christians tend to help others and to help and be tolerant of other Christians. Before she fell in with me mental health workers, other patients and her family including what Dawn calls her Christian family formed Dawn’s social network, and she preferred to be with them rather than to be on her own (another thing which it took me some time to work out as myself in the past I would much rather be on my own a lot of the time).
To speak of myself by contrast: as I go about if I am not affected by drugs a very large quantity of information is milling round in my head, some of it long-term stuff in ‘the world of my own’ but some of it related to what is going on around me. The number of synapses I have and the frontal-brain arrangement I am always going on about allow me to be in ‘the world of my own’ but simultaneously cope with physical reality. The information flowing consists of aspects or subjects in which I categorise and understand the world, these confirming each other mutually. If there are discrepancies (such as the day we went to Gloucester, a train of empty stock shunting on the platform opposite where we were at Cheltenham railway station for a reason I could not determine other than that it was supplied by ‘the Authorities’ to mislead us what train it might be, and similar discrepancies in train movements when we stopped off at Derby on our journey south last time we came back from Doncaster) then, because of the number of synapses and the detail of information which usually confirms each part the other parts, I become concerned to unravel the discrepancy (or seeming discrepancy, if it is something easily unravelled not genuinely deserving to be called a discrepancy): this in effect is exaggerated notice of discrepancy. However given usually my processing power I can unravel discrepancies which might bamboozle someone genuinely schizophrenic similarly placed. If I am drugged with antidopamine drugs I cannot do this and discrepancies cause me major problems. The problems they cause me become frightening problems if there seems a chance the outcome will be detention against my will and compulsory administration (or administration through unevadable trickery) of even more antidopamine drugs. This I estimate, based on past statistics when I have been seized and physically compelled, and it is allowed by law, poses a very real threat, and if I do not understand so well as I do this morning what is going on (that is, if I am drugged with antidopamine drugs reducing the accuracy of my understanding) the probability I attach of such a thing happening again becomes, it is arguable, overstated. The fact which as far as I am concerned is not in any doubt, that psychiatrists don’t have a clue and yet are permitted to compel these drugs on people, does nothing to assuage my fear. The facts from my past about failure of supposed safeguards like the Tribunal system do nothing to allay my fears.
Dawn is not subject to such worries as these, because she - like most people (and I recall Zoë saying something along the lines that she was often confused about things that happened) - does not ordinarily understand every detail of what goes on and she lives in acceptance of discrepancies she cannot resolve. Also, as I say, the number of synapses she has means she need not notice discrepancies I myself would notice (this is a separate matter from ‘over-responding’ to discrepancies one does notice: the difference between sensitivity and responsivity). I must presume that any subject those making arrangements for the perpetrations against me have had knowledge of has been in the ordinary category and not given like me to unravelling every detail of what goes on. This would explain the failure of ‘the Authorities’ to understand the effect on me of the drugs and of the perpetrations generally. However to override my stated wishes and compel drugs on me I find despicable, evidential indeed of the Original Sin which leads to wars, to people thinking they know better than other people what should happen to those other people.
12/08/08 13:56
The clarity of my thinking - including memory and decision-making what to do about the problem which has re-arisen - has suddenly declined. The reason, I feel sure - even though I cannot remember in satisfactory detail when I ate the toast - must be drugs in marg I spread on the toast, an hour ago at my best estimate. Dawn says the Stork marg was not bought at Waitrose last Saturday with the butter but I feel sure it was. The effects now are worse than the butter last night - in making me feel angry and aggrieved - because of the presence already in my metabolism of the opium-related drug (from the tapwater, I believe). Also there seems to be a stimulant acting - spurring on this writing and spurring me to go out now to shop for more butter or marg, and to make sure the letters I have prepared get posted. It is my belief that the suddenly easier availability of print cartridges for the Lexmark printers I have is on the basis that I will be more likely to write letters explaining my problems and complaints. I do not know therefore - feeling paranoid due to these drugs now in me, but doubtful what to believe about any ‘overseers’ - whether to imagine the former perpetrators are still ‘in charge’ and will continue to foist drugs on me whatever I write in protest. It seems a pattern that foods bought in Stourbridge are most likely to contain unwanted drugs, which may be because the preparations made - before my recent complaints, eg to my MP, became known - were preparations within Dudley borough.
13/08/08 05:12 [Wednesday]
Last night just before we went to bed I was looking back on the past week or so the main motivation being to determine the origin of recent discomfiture, and in particular that yesterday morning which raised itself to my notice at the time yesterday morning and reflecting yesterday evening by virtue of the change, giving rise to what I can sensibly call disappointment, that is the change when I again suffered effects of antischizophrenic drugs (yesterday morning) compared to the hours preceding when I was feeling very happy this happiness the result of noticing the freedom of my mind to encompass a lot of detail at the same time as maintaining a very clear overview (of my situation in the world, if you like: of myself in context) by contrast with the hours since the evening before - that was Monday evening - when I had suffered the blight of dopamine-blocking after - and again I suppose the contrast meant I noticed it more - happiness in the daytime in Coventry, even despite Dawn’s angry attitude sitting on Coventry station waiting for the train home to Birmingham.
13/08/08 05:29
Re-reading what I wrote on Monday, to try to fill in details in my memory of events that day when we visited Coventry, I am reminded by a mention of ‘Caroline’s address in Bristol’ that at one of the first meetings I had with Caroline in Bristol she suggested to me (in quite strong terms) that I should try to recruit the help of the organisation Mind to seek redress for the improper way I had been treated over the years. I can’t remember exactly what complaint I voiced to Caroline - for example whether then I blamed mainly Armond, and what exactly I said I had to complain about (whether I explained the emptiness the medication had made of my life in the years prior to the Millennium) - but I’m sure Caroline was even at that stage receiving advice from ‘the Authorities’ who thought both she and I might benefit should a friendship between us develop. And I’m sure that ‘the Authorities’ then were concerned that if I did have a genuine complaint I should take sensible action to pursue it. At that stage (early 2004) I was free of drugs and therefore any ‘attitude’ I developed towards ‘the Authorities’ (on which this ‘attitude’ I am putting forward now is based) will have been more positive and less paranoid. However I can’t help feeling that a major plank in this better regard I have for ‘the Authorities’ of those days must be because the personnel then were not those later involved; presumably later the Nottinghamshire brigade took over whereas in early 2004 they were either from Bristol or from some nationally administered ‘team’ based one presumes in London. My regard for ‘the Authorities’ plummeted (obviously) when I was held in police cells in Bristol in September 2004 (receiving a visit from four smiling perpetrators who were psychiatrists and Social Workers from Nottinghamshire) and even more when I was assaulted, conveyed to Bassetlaw and made to accept an injection in a scenario reminding me too powerfully of November 1980 when I had been held down by six or seven men and injected, at Armond’s instigation.
13/08/08 05:48
I feel OK this morning and drugs are pretty well out of my metabolism, the most recent ASM I suffered being from Stork marg I used for toast yesterday before noon. This morning my problems have been physical and in particular the lower-back pain I suffered in the first few days of August but not so bad today. Having woken up pretty well and solved the back pain problem, and had a cup of hot chocolate which I feel safe to presume is not drugged, and day breaking so that I can turn off the table lamp next to me in this new arrangement in which I am sitting in the bay window in our bedroom with Dawn sleeping behind me, I am bored with making notes more or less for the Authorities and not for any sensible reason, so I shall turn from that to Visual field analysis programming and please myself for a while.
13/08/08 06:10
In the Visual analysis work (I won’t say field) it strikes me scaling must have a powerful effect of either distortion or preservation (or even enhancement) of information content. When I was taught about microscopes at school it was said that with large-scale magnification because the same light energy is being spread over a larger area the brightness must be boosted otherwise what is seen through the microscope is seen too dimly. Of course the human eye has methods of fixing for brightness, but only up to a limit and with very large magnifications evidently artificial boosting of the brightness is required.
Considering however a digitised field of black and white pixels: magnifying it will increase the brightness if there are more white than black pixels, because the number of white pixels will square (say if the linear dimensions are doubled) as will the black, so the ratio or the summation will alter in the direction of white preponderating more. Because we are maintaining a digital copy we are having to supply energy to boost the white (if white exceeds black) so in effect magnification while ensuring preservation of the digital values (very close to ensuring preservation of the information content) in its nature makes the arrangement of boosting brightness so that the human eye can still pick out information (or could, if it were being done for the human eye and not as an abstract exercise in computing or for some sort of robot eye).
There are other ways magnification (or more generally re-scaling) might be done, and I have in the past wondered what method Windows uses (for example in PaintPicture in Visual Basic) as it sometimes seemed to yield anomalous results. In my case for character recognition purposes, results like the following (that is, the characters breaking up) are caused (I now understand) by magnification increasing the amount of white, basically (in boosting the brightness will-he nill-he as explained above).
13/08/08 07:25
The scaling procedure I wrote the other day (after a renewed bout of dissatisfaction with PaintPicture) works by averaging greyscale to arrive at a value for each pixel in the re-scaled version of the image:
Public Sub ScaleLineageToLowerResolution _
(widthoflineageinpixels As Long, heightoflineageinpixels As Long, newwidth As Long, newheight As Long)
Dim test_bool As Boolean
Const testx = -1
Dim x0 As Single, y0 As Single, x0int As Long, y0int As Long
Dim x1 As Single, y1 As Single, x1int As Long, y1int As Long
Dim x_atnewresolution As Long, y_atnewresolution As Long
Dim nextx_atnewresolution As Long, nexty_atnewresolution As Long
Dim g As Single, g1 As Single
Dim firstgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument As Single
Dim greyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument As Single
Dim lastgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument As Single
Dim scalingratiow As Single, scalingratioh As Single, scalingratio As Single
Call clearPic3
scalingratiow = widthoflineageinpixels / newwidth
If scalingratiow < 1 Then
MsgBox (“Trying to increase resolution in ‘ScaleLineageToLowerResolution’: prog ends”)
End
End If
scalingratioh = heightoflineageinpixels / newheight
If scalingratioh < 1 Then
MsgBox (“Trying to increase resolution in ‘ScaleLineageToLowerResolution’: prog ends”)
End
End If
scalingratio = scalingratiow * scalingratioh
' Call showRegionInOriginalDocument _
(xstartinOriginalDocumentScan, ystartinOriginalDocumentScan, widthoflineageinpixels, heightoflineageinpixels)
x_atnewresolution = 0
Do
If x_atnewresolution > newwidth Then Exit Do
nextx_atnewresolution = x_atnewresolution + 1
x0 = x_atnewresolution / newwidth * widthoflineageinpixels
x1 = nextx_atnewresolution / newwidth * widthoflineageinpixels
Rem The units in which x0 takes values are pixels ie ‘pixels_inoriginaldocument’
Rem x0+1<=x1 because newwidth<widthoflineageinpixels (because we are lowering resolution)
x0int = Int(x0) + 1
x1int = Int(x1)
Rem If x0int=x1int then no entire pixel at the old higher resolution (‘pixels_inoriginaldocument’)
Rem Stands between x0 and x1
If x_atnewresolution = testx Then
Print #debugfnum,
Print #debugfnum, “Testing at x_atnewresolution =" + Str$(x_atnewresolution)
Print #debugfnum,
test_bool = True
End If
y_atnewresolution = 0
Do
If test_bool Then
Print #debugfnum, “y_atnewresolution =" + Str$(y_atnewresolution) + _
" of newheight =" + Str$(newheight) + “)”
If y_atnewresolution > newheight Then
Print #debugfnum, “y_atnewresolution > newheight hence Exiting Do”
Print #debugfnum,
End If
End If
If y_atnewresolution > newheight Then Exit Do
nexty_atnewresolution = y_atnewresolution + 1
y0 = y_atnewresolution / newheight * heightoflineageinpixels
y1 = nexty_atnewresolution / newheight * heightoflineageinpixels
y0int = Int(y0) + 1
y1int = Int(y1)
If test_bool Then Print #debugfnum, “y0 =" + Str$(y0) + " and y1 =" + Str$(y1) + _
“; y0int =" + Str$(y0int) + " and y1int =" + Str$(y1int)
Rem g is going to be based on greyscale values in the ‘OriginalDocument’
Rem Therefore squarepixels and proportions of squarepixels need to be measured in units of ‘pixels_inoriginaldocument’
g1 = grey1(xstartinOriginalDocumentScan + x0int - 1, ystartinOriginalDocumentScan + y0int - 1)
If test_bool Then Print #debugfnum, _
“For interval from x0=" + Trim(x0) + " to x0int=" + Trim(x0int) + “: grey1 returns” + Str$(g1)
firstgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument = (x0int - x0) * g1
Rem grey1(x,y) is the greyscale of pixel at (x,y) given x and y in units of ‘pixels_inoriginaldocument’
firstgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument = _
firstgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument + firstcontribution(x0int, x1, y0int)
If test_bool Then Print #debugfnum, _
“firstgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument =" + Str$(firstgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument)
g1 = grey1(xstartinOriginalDocumentScan + x0int - 1, ystartinOriginalDocumentScan + y1int)
lastgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument = (x0int - x0) * g1
Rem grey1(x,y) is the greyscale of pixel at (x,y) given x and y in units of ‘pixels_inoriginaldocument’
lastgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument = _
lastgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument + lastcontribution(x0int, x1, y1)
If test_bool Then Print #debugfnum, _
“lastgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument =" + Str$(lastgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument)
greyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument = intermediatecontribution(x0, x1, y0int, y1)
If test_bool Then Print #debugfnum, _
“Total intermediate greyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument =" + Str$(greyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument)
g = (y0int - y0) * firstgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument + _
greyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument + (y1 - y1int) * lastgreyunit_from_xpixelsinoriginaldocument
LineageInGreyscale(x_atnewresolution, y_atnewresolution) = g / scalingratio
y_atnewresolution = y_atnewresolution + 1
Loop
x_atnewresolution = x_atnewresolution + 1
test_bool = False
Loop
End Sub
Public Function firstcontribution(ByVal x0int As Long, x1 As Single, ByVal y0int As Long) As Single
Dim first As Single, x1int As Long
Dim g1 As Single
x1int = Int(x1)
Do
g1 = grey1(xstartinOriginalDocumentScan + x0int, ystartinOriginalDocumentScan + y0int - 1)
If x1int = x0int Then
first = first + (x1 - x1int) * g1
Exit Do
Else
first = first + g1
x0int = x0int + 1
End If
Loop
firstcontribution = first
End Function
Public Function lastcontribution(ByVal x0int As Long, x1 As Single, y1 As Single) As Single
Dim last As Single, x1int As Long, y1int As Long
Dim g1 As Single
x1int = Int(x1)
y1int = Int(y1)
Do
g1 = grey1(xstartinOriginalDocumentScan + x0int, ystartinOriginalDocumentScan + y1int)
If x1int = x0int Then
last = last + (x1 - x1int) * g1
Exit Do
Else
last = last + g1
x0int = x0int + 1
End If
Loop
lastcontribution = last
End Function
Public Function intermediatecontribution _
(ByVal x0 As Single, x1 As Single, ByVal y0int As Long, y1 As Single) As Single
Dim inter As Single, x0int As Long, x1int As Long, y1int As Long
Dim g1 As Single
x0int = Int(x0) + 1
x1int = Int(x1)
y1int = Int(y1)
Do While y1int > y0int
g1 = grey1(xstartinOriginalDocumentScan + x0int - 1, ystartinOriginalDocumentScan + y0int)
inter = inter + (x0int - x0) * g1
Do
g1 = grey1(xstartinOriginalDocumentScan + x0int, ystartinOriginalDocumentScan + y0int)
If x1int = x0int Then
inter = inter + (x1 - x1int) * g1
Exit Do
Else
inter = inter + g1
x0int = x0int + 1
End If
Loop
y0int = y0int + 1
Loop
intermediatecontribution = inter
End Function
Public Function grey1(x As Long, y As Long) As Integer
Dim c As Long, g As Integer
c = FormFirstRenderedOnScreen.OriginalDocumentScan.Point(x, y)
Call greyscale(c, g)
grey1 = g
End Function
The word ‘Avenue’ displayed under 06:10 is shown thus based on a division of greyscale values into ‘black’ or ‘white’ based on analysis of the popularity in the lineage of each value for greyscale in the range 0 .. 255. The conclusion must be that averaging greyscale in re-scaling the image alters the ‘distribution function’ of greyscale values. Possibly the more standard way of re-scaling would entail averaging brightness rather than greyscale, and this might better preserve the ‘distribution function’ (basically the range of colours, or in this case greyscale, found in a typical scene the human eye might naturally be presented with).
13/08/08 08:38
I’ve just been on the internet looking at some blogs by relatives of people under treatment in Britain for mental illness, blogs I haven’t caught up with in a while. It is plain that psychiatric treatment in Britain, and especially in the NHS, is dreadful and almost certainly makes matters worse not better, through subduing patients as a short-term - although recurring - remedy (to state the facts briefly). I find it very difficult to believe that ‘carers’ who follow such policies have been allowed, by some body with authority and most likely it’s the Mental Health Act Commission, to enforce treatment on me - up to 2006 certainly, and in the recent period to try to get me under treatment again through trickery involving applying techniques of persuasion including the use of drugs to encourage me to present a syndrome which police (to be specific) would likely regard as requiring detention (as we were detained, both Dawn and I, overnight in Amersham in August 2005). I cannot help thinking that the main part of the motivation has been to conceal the true state of mental healthcare in Britain, as well as specifically the treatment I have been meted. While I’d prefer to think some less partisan board (preferably the ‘Board of Enquiry’ I had been hoping for) now has the final say, the failure of Silks Solicitors to reply to my letter asking them to help me sue Armond - basically - gives me less cause to hope.
13/08/08 15:13
We have just had our main cooked meal and about ten minutes after starting to eat I noticed I was feeling full (unnaturally so, I felt) and also unnaturally hot. I also bit my lip again, although less severely than on two other occasions recently. I stopped eating when the idea penetrated into my head that I might have taken in drugs causing these problematic effects - given that recently I have suffered similar effects which have then developed into more problematic effects, of ASM - and might have taken them in from food in the meal. I have since pondered whether in fact I might have taken in the drugs from wine I was drinking with the meal, especially since it was bought at Waitrose Stourbridge last Saturday when other foodstuffs were bought already established as containing drugs. I note however that Dawn also complains of feeling full, and has seemingly nasal problems because she has had to blow her nose in an unusually forceful way. I too have nasal difficulty, after this morning noting an effect I have mentioned recently of nasal congestion clearing with a feeling of relief after ASM has worn off. Therefore it seems not unlikely Dawn and I have taken in drugs from some component in the meal we have just eaten (Dawn finished hers but I stopped as I said before finishing it all).
Another symptom Dawn seems to be suffering - immediately after eating the meal - is too ready throughput of urine (and perhaps, if not now then soon based on what I have observed in the past, something similar in the digestive system almost worth calling diarrhoea). It seems hardly believable that these effects might occur so soon after ingesting drugs in the meal started only fifteen minutes ago, but I think it may well be so.
Note added 15/08/08 08:43. I think I traced the drug effects to lard used to make pastry that day, lard we have since chucked.
14/08/08 05:17 [Thursday]
I have woken up over a period of something like twenty minutes, starting before 5 am since I recall hearing my talking clocks chime FIVE AM. Waking up, and now woken up, I can tell that no dopamine-blocking drugs are acting on me and no ‘nighttime voicing’ has inserted things in my mind causing me distraction. Moreover I am in a happy condition of body in that there is no trace of back pain: I could rise from our bed - one from Ikea rather low to the floor - without difficulty and move about immediately without need for preparatory exercises and without any discomfort. My mind is immediately active: indeed it became active over the waking-up interval, and I can now remember the elements which were in it as I woke up, which are clear to me even though they were confused in their logic. When I had got out of bed I had no hesitation what to do, that is given that I was able to move freely in the body my mind gave clear directions to the body without any uncertainty or debate. I knew where things were, even though it was too dark to see (it is just now day breaking). I knew where my garments were, at least with sufficient accuracy to find them by groping without hesitation. I knew where my spectacles were (which I leave in various places overnight, having no set pattern) and I recalled clearly where I had got to in what I was doing before I went to sleep. I recalled what time I had gone to sleep, with no doubt or hesitation (approximately 1.30 am).
What I had been doing was set up a camera covering the area outside the bay window of our bedroom, so that should anyone approach (to offer hypnotising voices through the window or through the air bricks) I would have them on video. I had added a third security light to the arrangement previously arrived at whereby two security lights came on if triggered by the motion detector which ordinarily used to trigger just one: now three 500W security lights come on covering the entire area around the bay window - indeed lighting up almost the entire back garden and side passage on the side I believe was formerly most in use to offer hypnotising words, the one closest to a neighbour and having an air brick into our bedroom (blocked up long since, however, in my battle to be free of advice).
Whether I am now free of unwanted interference - certainly this past night I have been free - because my measures have physically compelled the voicers to desist, or whether they have come to some sort of moral sense, I do not know. Last night I was free of drugs with the result that I enjoyed sitting on the patio at the back in the intermissions from the work I was doing, well after dark but the security lights giving cover, without any fear at all that I might be hypnotised. As I say, the physical arrangements now are such that any assault along the lines of ‘chloroforming over the face’ (whether or not it has genuinely occurred) will leave evidence which will be clear to me and would presumably cause the police to take action (however I do not know how the police decide to what degree to believe my allegations that is to what degree they are given directives to ignore what I say: they are in some instances given such directives because they did not take the action they usually would to block Dawn’s stolen mobile phone).
Last night I had the pleasure of coffee being available, from Asda Merry Hill where we went mainly for the purpose of buying filter coffee. This morning likewise I have this pleasure, and can trust the water to be used is undrugged: it was collected yesterday from the supply to a wash-basin in a public toilet.
Because I am free not only of drugs reducing the number of my thoughts but also of distraction from unwanted advice, I am able to think clearly - in the back of my mind now as I get other things done including this writing - about what needs to be done, that is what should reasonably be done, to consolidate the security arrangements ensuring I suffer no nighttime voicing. If I suffer no such advice, it becomes almost wholly impossible for the perpetrators to predict where I shall go eg to shop for food. This creates a virtuous circle by means of which most of the food I obtain is undrugged and cannot make easier any continuation of drugging and ‘advising’.
15/08/08 04:04 [Friday]
I have established pretty convincingly that the back-pain problem is created on withdrawal of the opium drug, presumably as a ‘rebound’ from its properties of analgesia. Yesterday we didn’t entirely avoid the opium drug, since I used about half a litre of Evian kept from two or three weeks back and only later - when there were effects, such as on Dawn of marked tongue-loosening - did I realise it was from the drugged supply, possibly even from one of the two six-packs of 1.5l bottles bought from Sainsbury’s at the beginning of the month: although I find it difficult to believe I didn’t make sure to put that Evian out of use when I found out that drugs were certainly in it. M + S own-brand Pierval Spring water bought in Walsall on Thursday 24 July 2008 contained the same drug and I am hopeful the reply I have received from M + S to my letter to them based on the following reasoning implies this drugging is now to cease:
25/07/08 10:38
Almost certainly the present sedative drug is in water seemingly that bought yesterday at Marks and Spencer Walsall. I believe though the water was exchanged after purchase, this requiring the belief that Dawn (probably Dawn at a time I was not with her) was rendered unconscious by hypnosis so that the switch could be made. This is currently my best guess what happened.
These drugs are inconvenient but not particularly hurtful, and obviously we could take any quantity of them without harm, simply sleeping them off. I am pleased to think that to continue to foist these drugs will be a great cost to the foisters - especially if we manage to get about unpredictably - and therefore I feel no urgency to do much about it. A few days ago I countered this possibility I then suspected - switching of foods or drinks after purchase by rendering Dawn or myself asleep (or equivalent) - by locking them in a wheelie case on purchase, with combination padlocks with randomly chosen combinations. To the extent it is not too inconvenient I could try this again.
Perhaps better would be to shop for drink (particularly drink, but food as well) in busy places, and take most of the drink there and then in those busy places.
Returning the water to M + S would be more effort to me than it would be cost to the perpetrators. A possibility would be to give the water to innocent parties, or certainly the water from M + S bottles yet untried (but bought at the same time). Perhaps it would be fairer to inform the police in advance and ask their advice. The advice would probably be to return the product to M + S so to inconvenience M + S I could require them to collect the drugged water from us.
I fear I may have suffered nighttime advice this morning - I woke up just before 4 am and have little recollection of what was in my mind as I was waking up - because for one thing I am ‘wasting my time’ writing this exposition (but it would not be a waste if it convinced the perpetrators that I do not want to be spoken to in this way, either simply from appealing to them - although they have never responded sensibly to my complaints before - or by convincing them my detection methods are getting to the stage of perfection), and for another thing I am in a different condition from yesterday morning when my mind was my own and I made the decision not to rush to publish any expositions; also - and I have yet to investigate the video evidence fully - the signal from the camera covering what happens outside the bay window of our bedroom which had been OK when we went to sleep has now failed giving a blue screen on the TV monitor.
Although I said [t]hese drugs are inconvenient but not particularly hurtful, the opium drug does in fact lead to this significant amount of back-pain, and stomach upset (which I am suffering mildly now and was suffering badly every morning around the beginning of August), and of course - my main objection - the use of this drug causes my mind to be occupied by ideas which are not my own as well as downgrading my self-organisation when it comes to (for example what I was doing last night) connecting leads to cameras (where I become easily confused as regards the colour-coding in particular). I find it impossible to believe this opium is being given now in the same spirit as formerly, when it seemed to be regarded as entirely innocuous and the use to which it was put (introducing hypnotising suggestions or ‘advice’ into my mind) entirely acceptable and proper. I presume that now the reason it is given is for investigation of the degree I have formerly been debilitated and taken advantage of through its use including its use to make it easier to get other drugs into me notably ASM. On the other hand I cannot find a ready explanation why Silks Solicitors have been warned off taking on my case against Armond and other perpetrators, as it seems entirely improper if the State is seeking to deprive me of independent representation while it itself determines how much compensation I am due.
15/08/08 04:44
I find the reason for the failure of the signal from the camera is a poor connection to the SCART at the rear of the VCR. How this connection might have become loosened unless interfered with by some movement - and, I should have thought, a movement inside our bedroom - I cannot see. (I suppose pulling at the lead from the camera, passing through the air brick, might have loosened the connection.) I have stopped Recording 19 on Device 6 which should have audio evidence of any activity in the bay window area of the bedroom. Recording 19 has duration 4h 38m (of non-silence) and must have been started some days ago.
15/08/08 04:52
The date/time set on Device 6 is 11/08/08 4:48 AM: the time more or less stays right, but the date doesn’t change as midnight is crossed (except it may change the first time midnight is crossed: in other words to make a recording lasting across from one day to the next but not over several days may be catered for by the software running these Olympus audio-recorder devices).
What I can do as regards the camera signal into the VCR, having gathered the experience I have and found how things work, is replace the connection to the SCART with connections using phono-plugs to the front AV input. Almost certainly the yellow lead from the camera is what carries the video signal and the green lead the single-channel audio.
Thinking about my fears of a few weeks back that when I went out onto the patio in the early morning I was taken advantage of with hypnotising words, or that when I fell into an opium-induced slumber having gone out for fresh air leaving the back doors wide Dawn was hypnotised: if I have video surveillance of the patio area, and of the way-in to the house (through which access must be gained if Dawn lying in bed is hypnotised) and make sure the recordings cannot be interfered with (or better still record the video evidence through a computer onto a hard disc with encryption and internal-consistency verifications introduced) then the advantage-taking would need to stop the video devices (as may have been done this past night) eg through severing the mains supply. This again is something I can cause to create an alarm, and timestamp it and collect other information. Of course almost certainly the advantage-taking in past weeks has involved offering hypnotising words when we have been out and about, and to make this difficult the sine qua non is never to go to quiet places eg on a Sunday (on the other hand the theft of Dawn’s newly bought second-hand mobile, which without doubt involved ‘distracting’ me with hypnosis, occurred on a Thursday, 31 July 2008).
Speaking of the theft of the mobile: there seemed to be some interest, from ‘Experimenters’ regarding questions from a psychological point of view, in my thoughts on being taken advantage of with hypnosis. Some people (from what I have read in the dim and distant past) take the view that it is foolish, or represents gullibility, to be easily hypnotised, and I have to say that a frequent feeling among schizoid people is that they are weak-minded or weak-willed to be so readily subject to influence from other people. I do not know if there are among the perpetrators some who are quite cynical in diverting attention from Armond’s criminal behaviour in the past (and the negligence, to say the least, of the Mental Health Act Commission when brought in on a ‘second opinion’ basis in June 1984) through pretending interest in these ‘psychological’ questions, but (to repeat) I find it a matter for considerable concern that Silks Solictitors have not replied to my letter to them, and the evidence points to attempted interference with my access to independent legal help.
Two and a half decades of my life were wasted as a result of my being given amphetamine in 1980, and again around 1983-84, and Armond diagnosing the resulting syndrome as schizophrenia. The experience was made worse for me through putting reserpine into foods - starting in June 1984 after the Mental Health Act Commission second opinion - without any sensible control on dosage and without any adequate monitoring of the effects (effects which included suicidal depression). Further compounding of the crime occurred in 1987 when the drug I think of as opium was used improperly to persuade me (with urging while I was in a trance-like state) to accept long-acting depot injections of antidopamine drugs (and part of my motivation in accepting them was to escape the detention I had been placed under), the effective dosage later increased (this included altering the drug used) with the result that my complaints were entirely silenced.
It tells us a lot about the nature of mental healthcare in Britain that only since finding a friend in Dawn, diagnosed as schizophrenic (although even I can see that she is much less schizophrenic than Caroline or Kate Bush), have I managed substantially to evade the improper drugging and come anywhere near making the facts known which ought to lead to me being compensated with a very large settlement.
As I say, I find it worrying that my access to independent legal help is being made difficult (and that the usual response one would expect of the police is interfered with), but I could regard it as hopeful if I have been invited - and have not merely decided off my own bat - to make clearer recently what it has cost me to be given antidopamine drugs.
Next Wednesday we are to receive a visit from a police officer looking into my detention by Worksop police last December (late at night at the end of the day Dawn was persuaded to be detained at Bassetlaw Hospital which was Sunday 2 December 2007) and this I look to not expecting an ordinary investigation of an ordinary error by police, but rather as part of the continuation of ‘The Experiment’ which I am hoping, for myself now, has turned into an investigation of the wrongs I have suffered, with the end I hope of paying me large compensation (and punishing Armond and others responsible).
We are ourselves intending to visit family in Nottinghamshire on Saturday (tomorrow it is now) after I cried off the other day on suffering drugging (I think it was the drugging from the Waitrose butter which was of concern to me in making that decision). I daresay it is in Dawn’s nature to wish to visit her family and I do not know if any hypnotising suggestion has been brought to bear. Nonetheless I shall need to be very cautious given that on visits to Nottinghamshire I always seem to suffer drugging. We will be taking our own food and drink.
To go back to detecting any hypnosis if I were to go out onto the patio (it is now daylight): the audio from the security cameras I bought from Woolworths and which did not work until I adapted their power supply I find is really excellent: I discovered this when I got the camera covering the passage where the front door is working. It might pay me therefore to make a special effort to secure audio recordings from these cameras, separately or rather additionally to any recordings on video tape. To secure such audio recordings on computer hard disc (with encryption and all I said) would not be difficult (whereas to secure the video I would need a converter - a TV PVR I think it is - and in the past these have caused me a lot of trouble; in fact images and video generally have caused me a lot of trouble on my computers).
15/08/08 07:19
I have been looking into why the camera signal might have failed, seemingly soon before I woke up about 3.50 am. I find I am a bit confused, not so much in the details of what I am doing but rather in the direction I am heading and where it is I am supposed to end up. The result is that despite spending some considerable time on the question I have not finally resolved why the video signal failed: but the introspection I have been indulging - to explain to myself what I am doing and why, if not the best way to proceed to whatever end-point I think I want - has led to me realising - or at least believing - that I have nothing much to fear from such occurrences as the video signal failing, so long that is that things don’t go completely haywire and I be hypnotised into making allegations without first making sure of my facts, that is allegations that trespassers have interfered with the camera or its lead, thereby getting myself detained under the Mental Health Act for believing unusual things without grounds. The failure of self-organisation, leading to me getting lost (although not so much as in the past) in the momentum of what I had become involved in - which was, on the audio side, trying to find where the audio corresponding to overnight this past night started, out of the four or five days’ worth of recording in what was Recording 19 (downloaded as DW_A0032.wav), and divide that off using Movie Maker and then find the portion corresponding to early morning this morning (around 4 am in fact) to listen to it to see if anything could be gleaned - this failure of self-organisation is a continuing effect from yesterday’s opium, and as I said I am still able to think and remember details (including for example the folder name I gave for the downloaded audio files even though it was quite lengthy at Audio dl from Device 6 (bay window) 080815 0615: I still remember it and I remember it in its sub-parts, that is Audio dl from followed by the Device number, which I remember, followed by the location of the device, which I remember but more significant remember it is to be included as relevant information - something I have not always remembered in the past, when detailed thinking was interfered with by ASM - and finally the timestamp of the download, which I remember and understand clearly it is the download timestamp and nothing to do with the time the audio was - or files in the plural were - actually recorded) so opium is not the same as dopamine-blocking ASM.
Some effect related to the opium causes me to be even more introspective than usual, and my guess is that as the opium wears off the upward links to the frontal brain - through which the ‘executive’ monitors other processes - recover sooner than the control links the other way (through which the ‘executive’ gives its orders - to use my mother’s terminology - to other processes). This introspection this morning has been of use to me in advising me, or allowing me to advise myself, how the procedures I have got bogged down in, in examining this audio, should be improved for the future. A major difficulty is not being able to find the segment of audio I want, in a long recording made over several days (and I was right to think the date on the Olympus devices updates itself only the first time midnight is crossed). Possible solutions include causing the computer, or some timing device less complex than a computer, to turn the Olympus recorder off and then on once every twenty-four hous, say every evening. (I could do it manually but I never seem to trouble for long, and easily get out of the habit; besides which there are several devices I should be doing it for.)
It would be possible to set a computer aside to make the audio recording itself direct to the hard disc - this a method I tried when we went ‘on holiday’ in June - but then for the situation here at home one would need several computers, or links to recorders in several different rooms, and I prefer as a general principle to use devolved arrangements where individual units are separately responsible for themselves - have their own memory, and so forth, so that centralised failure will not be catastrophic - reporting at an appropriate time to some central collator.
Another reasonable solution would be to timestamp the audio from time to time by the chiming of a talking clock. In the bedroom where such chiming might wake us up an arrangement could even be come to of switching the input to the recorder from the mic to some remote generator of the timestamp announcement (so that one talking clock in a central location could be linked at the appropriate time - every hour, say - to all the recording devices throughout).
I will mention that all this sounds fiddly and technical, yet it is stuff I find interesting but ordinarily I sort it out speedily in my head while doing other stuff at the same time, and do not make such a meal of it by writing down all the details. Writing down the details, and saying why I am writing them down, may help me obtain proper compensation by revealing what debilitation I am caused - that is what it is I cannot do as ordinarily I would - when given drugs, opium or other.
15/08/08 08:08
I will mention that odd, initially unaccountable events, like the failure of the camera signal, and especially if as in that case it is related fairly directly to attempts I have made to improve our security, give rise to a need to process to understand what has happened. If The Experiment had never intruded into my life I might regard such questions as interesting conundrums, but since there seems a risk - in cases related to our security against hypnosis and against trespass for the purpose of introducing drugs, in particular - and in the past there has seemed a very high risk, that I might suffer detention and forced drugging (this feared on the basis of past statistics), then the questions turn from interesting conundrums to problems it is vitally necessary to resolve. (However in this instance of the camera signal I am not overly troubled having had the thoughts explained above.)
15/08/08 08:19
It must surely be the case that senior people independent of the Mental Health Act Commission and the mental healthcare system in general in Britain are becoming aware of facts not only of my case, which is somewhat out of the ordinary, but also cases like Dawn’s (who on the bus the other evening explained what I have explained in a letter to the Chief Constable, that she goes along with the medication because if she doesn’t she ends up in hospital, and she doesn’t want to be in hospital: a rather different matter from taking medication because thereby one doesn’t become ill). The conclusion one may reasonably draw is that treatment for mental illness in Britain feeds the problem it claims to address, and only part of this state of affairs is that healthcare staff deliberately exaggerate the needs their patients have in order to continue the prospect for themselves to be employed. I suspect that it is not only in my case that the medication produces symptoms seeming to psychiatrists genuinely to be further symptoms of the illness being treated. In this case the healthcare staff (the psychiatrists) are not being deliberately deceitful, it’s just that they are fools who know nothing and trust to claims produced by drugs companies which even if they are not deliberately slanted are obviously designed to show the medications in a good light.
Armond is a fool - not correcting the mis-spelling of his own address in the Medical Directory, for example - and he was a fool when it was more the done thing to hold patients down and inject them. These factors combined (and of course the ridiculous scheme in the first place to try to prevent me being unsociable) led to the waste of decades out of my life. However evidently psychiatrists are still fools, but rely on more subtle means of pursuing their folly, such as bribing patients with Social Security and housing provision to accept deadening medication.
16/08/08 03:11 [Saturday]
I find I am a little divided at present as regards what I want to spend time on now. I daresay this difficulty is made worse by ASM residually in me, meaning that I cannot do one thing while making preparations through planning in my mind to get the other thing done as and when, but efficiently and quickly when I do get round to it. That is, if I were to continue with the Visual field analysis work - because I still haven’t seen the results of altering the scaling-up procedure I recently published on my website to use what I should think is the more standard method, of averaging brightness instead of (as I had been doing it) greyscale - I would be worrying as I did that about the other thing I might instead have been doing, which is setting out details of the debilitating effects of ASM - reserpine I believe - given to me yesterday, in coffee bought at the ICC Birmingham I believe and possibly more of it when on the way home we stopped off at the Bagel Bite ‘buffet’ on Moor Street station and bought a cup of tea (each). I have (moreover) had thoughts on the security lights I bought the other day at B + Q Stourbridge, one of which I tried to adapt yesterday morning to separate out the use of the motion detector from the actual lighting of the element, and was mildly disappointed that it didn’t work, presuming I had somehow cocked things up (basically in trying to screen what I take to be the light sensor so that the motion detector would work all the time and not just after dark). Let me mention in passing that I have ‘wasted’ one or two electrical and electronic items in this way, through taking them apart and trying to adapt them (in recent months, I mean: in the dim and distant I got in trouble several times with my mother for similar destruction, eg of the film in a camera fogged when I took the camera apart). The way I look at it is as the cost of learning: even though one item might be wasted, I thereby learn how it works and can thereafter adapt similar items to my requirements. The Japanese were known for this in the 1960s (when just as nowadays everything is ‘Made in China’ then everything - everything electronic - was ‘Made in Japan’): they bought electronic items sold in the West, took them apart to find how they were constructed and went on to make and sell cheaper versions of the same thing. The only debate there would be on making a profit by stealing intellectual property (that is, the design of the items), but in my case as I am doing it for my own ‘hobby’ use and not to make a commercial profit I have no qualms (nor, to be honest, about mild ‘reverse engineering’ to find how commercially available software works, eg in calling standard Windows procedures). The thoughts I had this morning on these B + Q security lights were that possibly everything I might have felt invited to buy that day at B + Q Stourbridge might have been deliberately faulted (for whatever reason it is done, but it certainly has been done a lot in the past), and it might not have been that anything I did ‘cocked things up’. (The two-gang outdoor 3-pin socket I fixed up the day of purchase - Thursday it must have been - worked with no problem, but I did notice that these outlets which I had previously noticed available there at B + Q Stourbridge were on this occasion obscured through being covered over, but since I had a definite pre-plan in the form of a shopping list I sought them out: still one could argue I was not ‘invited’ to buy one.)
I will say that I woke up around 2.30 am - sleep disturbance due to the drugs foisted yesterday - and have suffered back-pain and discomfort from internal wind (both the latter also doubtless due to the drugs).
Reflecting further on the failure yesterday morning of the signal from the security camera (and having watched the video-recording having found the point the signal failed) I conclude that quite possibly the lead was pulled out where the short piece out of the camera links to the extension leading through the air-brick into the house. Whether the latter was then deliberately tugged to loosen the connection to the VCR or whether this loosening occurred accidentally as part and parcel of what I have just said I do not know. (The connection to the camera was evidently later made good, possibly after hypnotising words had been offered - I have not yet listened through the audio recorded inside the bay window which should reveal any such hypnotising voicing.)
16/08/08 03:56
Making some coffee and toast, I discover the 3-way adapter the toaster is plugged into in the kitchen has failed as sometimes it has in the past. Since there’s no obvious reason it should fail when yesterday morning - the latest time it was in use - it showed no fault, I wondered if we had had trespassers yesterday while we were out in the afternoon. The main rear security light timing seemed by yesterday evening to have been altered compared to the setting I had put it on the day before when doing some work up the wall (in fact that was Thursday and the work included the two-gang outlet bought at B + Q, so the perpetrators might have had an interest in the work I had done, both in its accuracy and what this might reveal about drugs in me on Thursday - or rather not in me - and in its safety from an electrical viewpoint).
I recall that in doing that work Thursday I had had occasion to get some Bostik superglue out of a safe in the passage, and that was the first occasion in recent months I noticed the time chimed by the talking clock in that safe had gone wrong (reverting in fact to TWELVE AM, a thing it does seemingly when its batteries are low: this seems to apply particularly to that talking clock of the three or four I have identical, and it was the first one of them I bought). At the time on Thursday I was under the impression - an impression I have had before in doing work up the back wall - that I might be under observation or my work under scrutiny: on this occasion I felt I was not affected by drugs and the interest was in seeing how I did without drugs as against earlier occasions when I had been affected by drugs. Of course it might be that if I was expected to be making use of items bought that morning at B + Q the way I coped with things failing - possibly a reaction of frustration - might have been in question. It was the night before that - it was Wednesday night - I was out on the patio late on, feeling no fear of being hypnotised. It might be that nonetheless I was late that night hypnotised out there (invited that is to buy stuff at B + Q Stourbridge the following day Thursday). I recall I had in mind, in putting the TV where I did in the kitchen showing pictures from my security cameras, that observers for ‘the Authorities’ on the path beyond the fence at the bottom of our back garden would be able to see my success.
Wednesday - 13 August 2008 - was the day we were expected to visit family in the Doncaster area, and my guess would be the Authorities were geared up to hypnotise me there, and when we didn’t go had to do the best they could here in Kingswinford. Preparations must have been in place well beforehand for a lot of flawed stock to be on sale at B + Q Stourbridge Thursday.
The stuff I did on Thursday worked - in particular the two-gang outdoor mains outlet I installed up the wall, and late at night the security camera covering the bay window from without. The latter failed early Friday morning because (I am now convinced, having worked out all the above in the scenario: to suppose the failure of the signal from the camera was an accident is not believable) the lead was interfered with. I mention once again that having success in combatting the Authorities’ desire that things I do should fail - through providing rubbish items to be bought from B + Q for example - has depended on my processing capacity: I had success Thursday night with the security camera covering the bay window - success which will endure and stands me well for the future, despite the failure of the signal yesterday morning (possibly a meagre attempt to demoralise me into thinking the camera arrangement is not to be trusted) - because of the amount I got done Thursday night. That is, I got the camera in place (this nothing to do with stuff bought that day at B + Q but making use of standard wares I had in stock) and moreover made sure it worked by connecting it to a VCR which I got into a very useful position (next to me in the bay window in the bedroom) and was able to verify it all: all this late Thursday night. I put it to the Court that this proves that when free of ASM (as I was Thursday) I get a damn lot done and done successfully.
Jedenfalls, to go back to where I was, under 03:56. I have examined the Velleman security log for yesterday afternoon (covering the front door) and the front door was closed on our finally exiting for the afternoon seemingly at 14:04. The door had been shut at 13:51 and opened at 14:03, standing open then until finally shut at 14:04. I believe it had stood open between 13:43 and 13:51 but the log entries are odd, similar indeed to those which some weeks ago I conjectured might have arisen at a time I was hypnotised (it seems not impossible that I am hypnotised to myself do something causing distortion to the log; another possibility I have mooted in the past is that the mains power is interfered with in some way).
16/08/08 05:21
I am just looking into whether Olympus audio recorder device 3, kept in the safe in the living room next to the desktop computer, might contain any information of relevance to whether Dawn or I suffered hypnosis yesterday afternoon as we left the house for our shopping trip. It seems most likely that if the three-way adapter in the kitchen was interfered with it was done at that time - around 14:00 - as we left the bungalow. Device 3 has date/time showing of 12/08/08 4:40 AM (as I said yesterday the time stays correct - 4:40 AM was when I unplugged the device from its power supply - but the date doesn’t update more than once as midnight passes).
Looking at the question from a top-down point of view, of course it is difficult to see why the three-way adapter might have been interfered with. On the other hand, it is a discrepancy - the adapter failing just at this time when there are queries over security arrangements - which might be a side-effect of other things perpetrated during an illicit trespass. The most worrying possibility is drugging of food or drink we have in, possibly following my report on my website yesterday morning that we are travelling to the Doncaster area today Saturday. This trip we are projecting may be the fundamental reason I suffered drugging yesterday too, leading to some distress (we’ll call it) last night as I tried to get stuff done despite being unnaturally tired, that is stuff to counter nighttime hypnosis this past night which might distort what I do today on our trip north. Having said that explicitly, it would pay me to examine the audio(s) recorded overnight this past night. I am happy to say there is no indication the camera covering the bay window has failed this past night.
16/08/08 08:32
On the train just out of Stourbridge Junction. I noted on the train from the Town that I was talkative (we’ll call it) and partly through relating this to Dawn’s symptoms under the influence (since yesterday, with symptoms more pronounced than my own and including urinary frequency) I understand some drug is the cause, a drug which connects me more to the external here-and-now and less to inner thoughts (eg plans for the future). This is regrettable as (so far as I understand it) making me more susceptible to advice which may not be good advice, including hypnotising advice. I have eaten two jam sandwiches - an effect of this drug being to elevate appetite - and fear the drug may be in the bread. I had suspected mainly tapwater collected at home yesterday and still think this the most likely source.
Coming to plug a USB memory device into this computer I became momentarily confused, anticipating the USB socket to be at the front on the left (this based on ‘unthinking’ recollection of how I go on with the Vaio I have mainly used in recent days). I became confused before that USB incident, now I reflect, when fumbling in my bag for the sandwiches and forgetting mid-way what it was I was fumbling for. This had to do with inability to hold more than one thing in mind at once, so that when my attention became diverted to the computer in the bag I forgot what I had originally been seeking.
The reason I wanted the USB memory device was to ensure I had the latest version of my Visual field analysis prog on this computer, to work on on the train (if we get a seat).
17/08/08 05:08 [Sunday]
It is now getting on for half an hour, I should think, since I got up. The main part of that time has been taken up with getting some filter coffee out of a safe and trying to open the packet, given the fact that my left thumb is in a lot of pain and is not easily flexed or used in the natural way. The injury resulted from collision with a door jamb on the train home yesterday as I was reaching back through into the carriage end from the vestibule to retrieve some of our luggage when initially I had presumed Dawn would be bringing it through. I must imagine my thumbs have particular sensitivity - this based on what NHS Direct had to say when I phoned enquiries to them (repeatedly) after the assault by Caroline led to injury to my right thumb. That is, the injury seemed to me much worse than they considered it to be, and caused me more debilitation than seemed ordinarily to be expected.
Although I have been slowed physically by this problem this morning, and by further lower-back pain, my spirits have not been depressed as a result nor my cogitations caused much distraction. Although I suffered some drugging yesterday causing me what I can summarise as tiredness - and in fact from the evidence, eg of my depressed level of optimism (but quite briefly depressed), I would think that as seemingly on other occasions recently the drug was reserpine, on this occasion from bread bought at Sainsbury’s Birmingham city centre Friday and suspect actually from the outset in that I anticipated (based on past statistics rather than any understanding I have why it is done) that attempts would be made to get drugs into me during or for the period of our trip north yesterday to see family - the effects seem substantially to have worn off. I am able to type at the keyboard with accuracy that is confident accuracy, by which I mean introspective or certainly self-observational assessment that I am subject to little error-proneness, and as I say despite the physical problems this morning slowing me down in preparing my coffee (and only now does it occur to me that on other occasions I might be thinking in terms of the unfairness of all this thrust on me: for example the necessity to get into a safe, with a stiff door, in the first place, before ever needing to try to open the packet of coffee) my mind is ranging freely over optimistic and almost self-congratulatory territory (specifically, in the matter of Visual field analysis in which I am making very successful advances). I have in the past in my diary mentioned happy-making internal reflections being absent when I have been given ASM: well this morning such reflections are available and are keeping me very cheerful. (In my diary entry at 13/05/08 09:10 I mention ‘not having anything else in mind at the same time as an interesting and happy-making diversion’.)
17/08/08 06:22
The following truly excellent clarity results from just the one ‘preprocessing’ procedure now, that is the one which adjusts greyscale (for each lineage) to account for local blackdensity: so that in blacker regions individual pixels need to be blacker to count as black not white.
The slight fly in the ointment remaining (and don’t tell everybody because they’ll all want one: certainly in soup so I hear tell) is that at the top and bottom of each lineage, for a reason connected to the swathes of whitespace between lineages, pixels tend to show up a little lighter than they should. This can be seen in the example above in the tops of the capital “B’s”, but in other lineages the effect is worse. To fix this I think the best idea will be to use a procedure similar to the one which fixes for local blackdensity for each lineage, but use it at the outset in finding out lineages, to fix the entire scan in a way parallel to that which the human eye must use in selecting out sub-scenes from the entire visual field represented by intensities of neural responses across the retina, that is to find blackdense ‘hotspots’ (or in the human case some equivalent ‘hotspots’ taking account also of colour intensities) but on the presumption a scan of a document of text is up for analysis to simplify the processing by doing it for rows of pixels one after the other down the ‘page’.
As things stand now, the procedure which uses fragmentation to alter the whitenessthreshold locally actually makes the definition worse, so given the fact that it takes a very long time because of the amount of processing it does, I shall omit it. It seems to me likely that there is such a facility in the human visual system but it is used after selection-out of sub-scenes and is used very mildly to clarify edges. That is the aperture setting (or equivalent) is varied slightly and fragmentation at boundaries computed, so as to get edges precisely ‘in focus’. Self-observation leads me to think so: I cannot be the only person who faced with an unclear document moves it about, angling it to the light and making all sorts of changes until (one hopes) the image one sees becomes as sharp as one can achieve.
17/08/08 08:30
I have thoughtlessly eaten two rounds of toast made with the Sainsbury’s bread which yesterday I ascertained contained drugs (most likely including reserpine), chucking down the toilet at Doncaster bus station the remainder of what I had with me on making this discovery. The risk of taking contaminated foods in this sort of way - eating as an automatic act without sufficient care and attention - is the reason that as soon as I discover foods containing ASM they go over the fence (unless I make a mistake, as this time, resulting this time from the physical separation of the bread taken yesterday from the bread left here) or are otherwise instantly got rid of. I have to say that the main reason I have eaten this toast (apart from the lack of physically preventive measures, that is chucking the remainder out, and this time as I say the reason for that has been dividing the bread into two physically separated portions) is that even though the drugs it contained are so noisome and distressing to me, they do not give rise to unpleasure along the lines of pain which would mark the causer of the unpleasure in one’s memory so as to motivate avoidance (what I call the aversion response, which is what happens when physical punishment like caning marks certain behaviours in a child’s memory as undesired by ‘authority’ and unless special reasons override this, better avoided in future: it is necessary to add to this explication that (1) the child must understand what categories of behaviour are so marked, which means punishment must be consistent in a way the child can understand; (2) to override such aversion introduced by ‘authority’ the child must have matured to the stage of having an independently determining incorporated parent, which resides in the frontal brain: intemperate more or less random acts of rebelliousness such as some adolescents exhibit on the way to becoming mature, one example being acts of vandalism, are not the same thing as having reached the stage of self-determined rejection not of ‘authority’ wholesale but of specific directives, or simply ‘rules of etiquette’, the individual disagrees with). So because I know the unpleasure caused me by ASM does not mark experience in the proper way (this because of interference with adaptability of synapses, interference caused by the dopamine-blocking itself) I strive to take steps to physically discourage or prevent myself continuing to take the contaminated product.
Almost immediately on eating the toast I felt effects of loss of focus in my mind, which are what have reminded me the bread was contaminated. However, these effects have since somewhat abated which I should think implies there is a stimulant drug admixed, rather than that mere habituation of some description has come into play. (This receives confirmation somewhat in tummy and intestine disturbance I feel now, which I associate with stimulant drugs.) Yesterday the latest I ate any of the bread was on arrival at Doncaster railway station, and the result of that ingestion was I felt very angry and within minutes the rest of the bread had gone down the tubes. The anger (since I do not feel it now) I should imagine derived from the stimulant in the bread taken on arrival at Doncaster interacting with the drugs - mainly the reserpine - already in my metabolism. (In feeling the anger I was motivated by a mistaken feeling that clarity of perception after eating the bread and then seeing train movements at Doncaster as in a new light had been absent for months or years: it felt like a re-awakening of such intensity that, as I say, I felt I must have been taken advantage of and my experience of life reduced for months or years: having said that I can now understand with fair certainty that the intensity of the ‘re-awakening’ was caused by the contrast when the stimulant kicked in, the contrast against the hours preceding when the ASM - ASM which moreover reduced my mood, and was probably reserpine which is known to ‘exacerbate’ or in reality cause depressed mood - had taken hold.) Anyway the effects had worn off to all intents and purposes by the time we were on the train home - say 8 pm - so the effects today, given that I have eaten two rounds only, shouldn’t be too bad and should wear off by mid afternoon.
18/08/08 07:07 [Monday]
I woke up about a quarter to five with no indication that I had suffered hypnotising words. I have been getting a number of things done, all connected with, or certainly originating from, my website, that is in the main getting more of the stuff back up (eg from the 1970s) which formerly was available to my readers online. However, the latest thing doing has been copying from a DVD archive (Archive C1) onto my Vaio - now the computer most in use at home - because in looking at the layout (paragraph spacing again) of my website diary as it was in 2005 and 2006 and recalling that when I wrote the first version of my Rich Text Editor in June 2006 - the risperidone then having declined in its effect on me for some reason to do with us being more in Kingswinford than in Bassetlaw (Nottinghamshire) - the only way I found to space paragraphs was to insert between paragraphs containing text, empty font-size 8 pt paragraphs, I was thinking back to how my website was when it started as an AOL Homepage in 2003 and then turned into colinbrough.co.uk sometime in 2004. Archive C1 comes from my days on AOL around 2004 when I used to visit Bristol and was on friendly terms with Caroline.
Reflections have been brought back by saying all that, and particularly in relation to 2006 when I think I misinterpreted the playing-up of Dawn’s son’s stomach problem (so that eventually he had an appendectomy at Bassetlaw Hospital). I believed the reason it was done was to obtain from me commentary on the psychological aspects of it, that is Dawn’s concern for the well-being of her son, or even over-concern to tell the truth. Since 1980 I have presumed (rather conceited possibly) that the Experimenters were wanting my ideas on the human mind. After all, this was one of my main interests in the 1970s, following on naturally from the flourishing of my introspective nature on emergence from adolescence.
On the other hand part of the attempts in 2004 to ‘run me down’ and, I suppose, cause me to lose confidence in myself (one part of it was to try to embarrass me in AOL chat-rooms regarding my sexual naiveté and also to disparage what I thought I knew about the mathematical theory of clustering, going so far as to put up in the chat-room an expert who researched such topics at university but who to my dismay would not explain to me his ideas or his own knowledge: I had thought I might learn, but ‘the Authorities’ as they were then turning into weren’t interested in helping mankind or the general level of scientific knowledge: what they were after was me in a mental ward to be kept under wraps since I was no longer in the control - or under the ‘guidance’ - of Barbara, and Caroline had proved too volatile a potential guide or controller); as I say one part of the disparagement was in the autumn of 2004 to let me know through online conversations that I understood next to nothing about conventional psychology. Again, I think I come out rather well: it is an advantage not to know the erroneous ideas of conventional ‘psychological theorists’, and certainly to entirely disregard conventional psychiatry. Therefore (this is my argument, what I am on about here): it was not the case that those running the show - those giving directives to the usual staff at Bassetlaw that I should be medicated when in the ordinary course of things everybody would have known I need not be - were interested in my ideas on the human mind. What they were after was to get me in the grips of treatment on a psychiatric ward. It is, I must say, difficult to maintain a cool understanding of what must be the case, when I develop great fear based on the wrongs perpetrated against me, wrongs which have included medicating me excessively with antischizophrenic drugs at the behest of people who had unethical reasons for insisting: reasons which I cannot but continue to believe were to do with covering-up the wrongs preceding, in a kind-of avalanche of error upon error which became (in my view) not error but immorality and probably criminality.
In 2004 when I was detained at Bassetlaw mental unit a student doctor quite happily showed me pictures of various forms of restraint - patients in Eastern Europe in metal cages, set against methods involving subduing with injected medication - and asked me which I should prefer in case at some future date I needed to be restrained. Psychiatrists are trained up to expect this sort of thing, that patients will need to be restrained. Readers will understand my view, which is that almost all schizophrenic patients would not be in any way aggressive but for being restrained (that is held in imprisonment) and being given restraining drugs which more often than not give rise to a rebound of resentment if they are ceased.
Thinking back with more detail: I could almost regard the approach to me when I was initially compelled to have an injection while in detention at the end of 2005 as an act of provocation. Whether the person or people who had given directions that I should be compelled had in mind the possibility that my immense fear might cause me to blow up in violent resistance I do not know, but there was an independent nurse standing by as an observer (and of course on hand to subdue me if I had become violent in my terror). Again, I can’t see any justification for the provision of heavy police when I used to visit police stations to complain in 2007. I would not regard that as provocation since I regard the system which is the police as a fair system, even if there are occasional rogue officers, but the people misleading the police to the effect that I might become violent possibly didn’t realise this. They misunderstand practically every aspect of my personality and my behaviour, I must say, yet (presumably) they are people trained in psychiatry in well-regarded positions (presumably working for the Mental Health Act Commission).
Furthermore, I still cannot find any justifiable reason for trying to bar my attempts to publish the facts through my website. This started in 2004 when I was thrown off AOL seemingly for spamming, by sending numerous emails trying to expose what I had suffered through ‘The Experiment’. More recently an attempt was made to interfere with my choice of website host company. My attempts to alert Microsoft to the substitution of their websites through our Virgin Media internet connection with counterfeits have been stymied because the Royal Mail has acted in a very odd manner.
Jedenfalls, these reflections originate as I say out of Archive C1, in which (I mention) McAfee Security (on free trial with the Vaio) has detected Potentially Unwanted Programs derived through AOL the presence of these programs explaining the failure of computers I have had from the Packard Bell EasyNote (October 2006) onwards. It is regrettable that Norton Internet Security has never satisfactorily resolved this problem, so I am pleased to recommend McAfee as far and away superior to the possibly more widespread Norton.
18/08/08 10:01
Information gleaned from photos I have found out, and their timestamps:
· On Sun 21-Sep-03 I was on my way to see Bob in Kent, for the first time. (I had left Kingswinford on 03-Sep-03 - a Saturday - and had stopped in the motor caravan I then owned, and in which I had made my escape, for a few days at the Caravan Club site at Clumber Park between Worksop and Retford and then in a hotel, only taking on a rented house in Retford from early October 2003.)
· On Thu 25-Sep-03 I was in London (fairly obviously not returning to Retford in-between, but from my memory of days of the week things happened I had visited Bristol to meet Caroline for the first time on Tue 23-Sep-03, stopping the night at I think the Premier TravelInn as it was then).
· On Fri 26-Sep-03 I was taking photos as mementos of Birchington-on-Sea (in Kent) with the idea of putting them on my then AOL Homepage or on a PictureTrail album then linked to it. That was the day I returned to Retford, stopping overnight at a hotel in Stevenage I think so that I got ‘home’ to Retford on the Saturday.
· In October 2003 I went on trips by train, on my own: I went to London again, and to York (and I took some photos at Doncaster railway station). On Sunday 19-Oct-03 I was on speaking terms with Barbara again, having returned to Kingswinford (probably for the weekend) and that Sunday taking a day-trip to Wales with her by car.
· On Tue 04-Nov-03 I was in Bristol again for the second time of meeting Caroline. I think I must have stopped the Tuesday night on the couch in the living room at her purported address: whichever was the first occasion I stopped the night I was drugged and hypnotised. Later that month she was taken on the junket to Egypt so I conjecture the Authorities decided I was attracted to her enough to warrant them investing in her.
· On Thu 20-Nov-03 I was in Kingswinford again (I had to make arrangements in connection with selling my parents’ house). The December I was mostly in Retford (spending some time with Zoë and probably eating often at the café where she was a waitress) but occasionally visited Kingswinford (eg Sat 13-Dec-03 and presumably all that weekend).
I visited Bob in Kent again on Mon 16-Feb-04 and seemed on good terms with Caroline - everybody happy including the six-year-old said to be Caroline’s daughter - on Sat 13-Mar-04. It must be from about that time my happy memories of trips to the seaside with them derive. Things seemed to start to go wrong from the time I took on the lease of a house in Bedminster in Bristol (from 30-Mar-04). Whether it was that the Authorities were then able to get at me regularly with nighttime voicing, or whether Caroline was rattled by the constant fair proximity in geographic terms, or whether she told untruths based on her anxieties and the Authorities consequently said the wrong things to me in their nighttime voicing (and resumed drugging me with ASM-plus-stimulants) I am unsure. I am convinced my computer files were accessed (that is, the information stolen - and possibly misinterpreted) on Wed 24-Mar-04. On Wed 17-Mar-04 the possibility had arisen of me spending the night in a hotel with Caroline (but in the event I slept there on my own and she came to visit me the following morning), and probably she felt from then on that I was becoming too pushy. The upshot was her assault on me of Thu 06-May-04 and I think thereafter, because she was not entirely herself, when I spoke on the phone thinking it was to her it was in fact to some stand-in actress.
18/08/08 10:58
Looking in more depth at the documents from Archive C1, I am reminded that around that date - mid March 2004 - Caroline was stressed by an appearance she seemingly was required to put in at the Magistrates Court (I have never been sure if the claim that she was arrested by the police in autumn 2003 for hazardous driving was true). In fact the assault on me of 06-May-04 was the day before the date said to be set for her Court appearance, and the day she assaulted me she had come to Sheffield to see me, nearer my home in Retford than usually we met. This was most unusual, as she was fearful of going far from her home in Bristol. She had also led me to plan for a trip abroad with her, possibly to reside permanently on Ibiza. My guess is that she was thinking in terms of fleeing prior to the Court appearance. I must presume the ASM I was being given surreptitiously at the time, clouding my thinking, was the reason I did not understand all this then.
I wrote her a letter as I was recruited to help with preparations for the Court appearance:
23 March 2004
My Dear Caroline
I have just spoken on the phone to the Crown Prosecution Service and also the solicitors who were lately acting for you.
The Crown Prosecution Service decline to speak to the defendant’s friends or to the defendant herself. It is possible they may reply to a letter.
The solicitors will not speak about specifics as they no longer act for you. Their definite advice is to appoint another solicitor in advance of 7th May (your first court appearance). If you do not do this you can of course represent yourself. There is always a duty solicitor at the court on the day who will if asked offer advice and assistance.
I hope this is of help.
Colin xxxx
18/08/08 17:04 [Monday]
We have come to Stafford again and are now sitting in a shelter in the park before getting a train back to Wolverhampton. Reflecting on matters I conclude I am affected by drugs, and given the timing of the onset and evolution of effects (as well as the fact that I observe no effects in Dawn; and in general from day to day I cannot tell for sure if her supposed Risperdal tablets are placebo because of effects almost certainly due to drugs from foods or drinks) it seems most likely the drugs came from soup I bought in Wolverhampton Art Gallery (as I say, Dawn had none).
The effect most drawing itself to my notice now - and starting on the train out of Wolverhampton, actually - is tiredness of the eyes, and seemingly associated (now I start to type on this fiddly handheld device) headache and unnaturally troublesome eye-strain. While out and about I have been rather overly jokey and given to physical saccades such as dashing across the road. It is plain - and also from direct introspective observation - that this syndrome results from a fairly low-level stimulant (inclining me to dash about and to utter bursts of often flippant or jokey speech) combined with ASM. The effect of the latter is to make unavailable interesting internal cogitation (although with effort I can drum up my enthusiasm for character recognition work, but more along the lines of congratulating myself on success achieved than making any fresh creative advances) this contributing to the jokey outbursts visible in external reality. This corresponds closely with my understanding of how activity of the frontal brain (observing inwardly generated notions and organising for their production) moderates activity output to the real external.
19/08/08 12:08 [Tuesday]
Before we came out - in something of a rush - for Dawn’s appointment with the optician for 11:30 I was sorting out documents relating to the charge I faced early this year before Solihull Magistrates, of unnecessary obstruction in leaving the motor caravan we had up to last year blocking the entrance to the railway station car-park at Solihull in the early morning of Wednesday 6 June 2007. It struck me, thinking back to my case as it was suggested by John Spence (seemingly in the employ of Silks Solicitors) to be put forward, based on quibbling over police evidence, that he - and presumably ‘the Authorities’ - completely misunderstood the reasons I had done what I had done. I suppose this need not surprise me, given the consistent failure of ‘the Authorities’ to understand my rationale - I imagine they thought I was loony and had no genuine reason (or reasons for my actions) or certainly none it was worth trying to decipher - but for them to mistake my reasoning so thoroughly still astounded me. But then Dr G in 2005 made the statement when I said that I had a certain distaste for Eid because he had detained me by compulsion the year before, ‘That’s the first time you’ve explained that.’ Swallowing my astonishment at this failure to understand from a doctor I have a high regard for as doctors go, I must conclude that loony doctors are utterly genuine in their belief that they are doing good by patients in locking them up and then quashing their complaints by disregarding them until they have become ‘moderated’ when medication has got into the patients’ metabolism, and for ‘moderated’ read ‘hidden by fear’ that is fear of further imprisonment and in some cases fear of further dosing with inappropriate dosages of drugs continued in spite of the patients’ statements they would rather not.
It must surely be that the lunatics have taken over the asylum.
19/08/08 12:30
The essence of the misunderstanding may relate to simple minds thinking in terms of inputs - I was always being asked (as far as I gathered from what I heard from fellow travellers) what it ‘felt like’, that is (presumably) the schizophrenic ‘experience’. Schizophrenia, insofar as such a condition exists, is a lot to do with Will, that is output not input. Books I used to read in the 1970s understood this quite well, and I conclude mental doctors now are more stupid than the equivalent then (of course schizophrenia was more popular then before medication so widely applied made the subjects boring, and probably then therefore attracted cleverer people to the condition). The likes of Armond must have been the New Order of doctors who pretended to be clever. I remember the envious things he said of R D Laing.
13:39. Related to this focus on how things feel, that is on inputs, is the notion seemingly the way the Authorities interpret or understand things that the reason I have not done things has been impediment. For example updating my website: their best guess as to the reason (as far as I can make out) is that at times I have had difficulty, perhaps from ‘side-effects’ of the drugs foisted. The natural way most people think about Will, it seems, is that it is uncaused: it has no causal antecedents. If a person wants to do something, that’s almost all there is to say about it: that they want to do it or (generalising slightly) they have certain proclivities or a certain predisposition. But we must get home.
19/08/08 21:02
Arrived at Merry Hill I began to notice what I can call tension, in my brow and the muscles of my face. This developed but has now eased, either from the drugs simply wearing off or (more likely) from counteractive drugs in the drink (most likely the drink) at Pizza Hut just now.
22/08/08 04:39 [Friday]
Yesterday we were in Birmingham for a few hours and in Starbucks I noticed a bloke, who may have had nothing to do with The Experiment, with a red badge on reading I’m confident. Most likely merely from that memory in my mind - although the way things are and especially since I woke at 2 am thinking it was daylight because my security lights had been triggered (three @ 500W, recall) I became suspicious hypnotising voices might have spoken (I went back to sleep and woke now at the time more usual for me of 4 am) - I have woken with thoughts in my head about what confidence is, these thoughts having been milling during my sleep.
My analysis thus far of what confidence is has centred on the things I think most naturally in terms of, that is in terms of ‘data processing’ or as I more usually say for the human brain/mind information processing. The reason I think first and foremost in these terms is that as I was emerging from adolescence I had become very interested in computers which in the 1970s were just then becoming a factor more immediately present in the average life in Britain, to the extent in fact that owning one’s own became an affordable proposition. At the same time my introspective nature was coming to maturity, and in association with that I was interested in what I can call the schizo mind having found out a lot initially from books by R D Laing (a popular author in the late 1960s when schizophrenia was a topic in vogue in relation to states of altered consciousness created by the drugs which had come into fairly widespread use, including LSD but also - of more relevance to schizophrenia - amphetamine). Like a lot of kids (especially autistic kids, who are particularly captivated by movements of trains these being along definite lines with no vagueness or uncertainty) I had been captivated by simulations of the human appearance and human activity in puppetry and cartoons (which - the latter - flourished of course only after motion-pictures became a reasonable technical possibility around the 1920s). (The reason, as I hinted for the special case of autistic kids, is that human activity represented in these forms is in a simplified presentation more readily grasped by the childish mind.) In my case this interest focused on robots, especially as I say since computers were becoming more widespread and computers could be used to cause a robot to do quite complex things (but still simpler and therefore more easily understandable than things a genuine human might do), but leaning more - especially as I got older and found out what might be practically available to me, first in the computing facilities I had access to as a student at Cambridge and a few years later when I could afford my own computer - towards not so much robots as computers with simple output devices on which they could display the ‘clever’ things they did. That is, things like playing chess and processing natural language. This interest led to me reading quite a few books on Artificial Intelligence.
Hence it is - because in the three decades since, I have made practically zero progress in my way of understanding the world due to not being able to think since I have been given, unevadably, dopamine-blocking drugs having a permanent effect except for odd months in the three decades - that these are the terms in which I still first think, that is, in terms of the human mind/brain as a computer-like processor of information. (I’m sure that is what the human mind/brain is in fact, but there are other ways of treating the subject for purposes of communicating facts to other people or for trying to understand their way of theorising on the subject.)
So I have said that unconfidence arises when the processing requirement is too high, leading to attempts at avoidance (that is avoidance of milieux where the processing requirement is very high, that is mainly milieux requiring social interaction). This lets us understand, so long as we accept that schizophrenic symptomatology ‘positive’ as well as ‘negative’ is created out of over-processing or the need to over-process, the relationship between schizoid personality, and the similar negative-symptom schizophrenia, and schizophrenia with florid positive symptoms involving mistaken perception or analysis of the world. The foolish Experimenters of recent years, seemingly even denser than Armond or certainly less informed on their own subject, in putting up to me distortions to the environment supposedly mimicking positive symptoms of schizophrenia (mistaken perceptions) insofar as they think at all about what they are doing put the cart before the horse, because I must presume they believe (as I say, if they think at all) that schizophrenia arises out of the mistakes in perception, and can arise out of only that. My recommendation to them would be to read some texts from the 1960s or even the early 1970s when there was better understanding of the odd states the human mind could get into within itself (of course that was before widespread use of dopamine-blocking drugs put a stop to any interesting naturally-occurring internal states of people’s minds, and even the street drugs now in vogue have more boring effects than say LSD one of the major effects nowadays being analgesia so that people can beat each other to a pulp and not feel too hurt about it).
I think I am a hippy manqué.
However, what I had in mind was fear. One aspect of unconfidence and certainly of paranoia is fear. I have been fearful since I discovered in November 1980, to my utter astonishment, that it was legally permitted for me to be seized and physically taken to a place of imprisonment and physically compelled to have an injection, and this an injection which had horrendous effects. And it wasn’t simply a matter of assault, had I suffered a mugging say: it was legally permitted for these people, instructed by supposed doctors with standing in the community and trusted by doctors one would initially think of as sensible (that is GPs) to carry on month after month not allowing me out of the prison, and deciding what should be my fate in the short term (which then turned into the long term through the effect on my morale, so that I left my job because the seeming of it was that the drugging would never cease so I would never be able to think clearly) on a whim. (However Armond himself contributed to converting the short-term disaster into a long-term disaster lasting three decades by keeping me on a section for over two years, using as I have explained a subterfuge found in other cases to be illegal.)
What fear does is raise the processing requirement. If I am in fear every day that the police - especially when I am in Nottinghamshire - may drive up and insist that I go with them to be locked in a cell until late at night some of these supposed doctors arrive to ask me questions, then my mind is rather distracted: it becomes occupied with thoughts of what should I do if the police do come to me in that way, or perhaps it would be better to get out of Nottinghamshire by the quickest route (etc)? I mention Nottinghamshire because consequent on the recording of my complaint against Nottinghamshire Police for what happened last 2nd December - when I was held in a cell for hours late at night - I received a visit yesterday from a representative of the Nottinghamshire Police Professional Standards Department. The basis of my arrest on Sunday 2 December 2007 was a phonecall to police from a Sarah Bradshaw who seemingly works for Bassetlaw Mental Health crisis team, who told them that I was in need of assessment. This is what the policewoman who took the call wrote down, although the officer who arrested me had got the fixed idea that I had been being assessed and had absented myself from the assessment.
I think I’d better get some work done.
22/08/08 06:52
Myself I think legally trained minds are better - especially when banded together in a body especially one properly constituted according to rules tried and tested over centuries, like the ‘Board of Enquiry’ I am hoping is in existence or soon to be brought into existence - better at finding the reasons people do things (and often it is necessary to find out if the reasons are praiseworthy or on the other hand deserve punishment) than doctors who have read books on psychology. The things I have been asked (when in a trance state) by these Experimenters who have read books have sometimes been simply silly. It has been put to me that since I have complained to police about being spiked and they have discarded my complaint, what then is the point in complaining again? Similarly with South Staffs Water (I suppose, although I have not been asked this directly): I phone them (as occasion demands) demanding a supply of uncontaminated water and their reply often mentions the fact that our water supply has been tested on three occasions. Am I then to stop reporting to them that the water they supply contains drugs (as it still seemed to a number of weeks back)? If I can afford the phone call and am not demoralised by drugs (or the fear of restraint) or otherwise my vigour reduced, and so long as I am not harassed by distraction from other concerns, I’m going to phone them, in the hope that some good will come of it and the water supply be returned to perfection.
Along the same lines, free today of drugs which reduce my level of activity (they may have been antidopamine drugs although at the time I felt it was the drug I think of as like opium) deriving as best I can judge from the filter coffee we have in (and possibly the bread and possibly the butter), I am sending a follow-up letter to Silks Solicitors as I have had no reply to the one I posted on Saturday 26 July. I can think of reasons this might be a bit of a waste of time, but as I say since I can afford the postage and have time and energy to prepare and send such a letter it will get sent (unless something intervenes over the next few hours). The central reason it might be a waste of time lies in my hope that the ‘Board of Enquiry’ will do the work for me, of obtaining compensation. It is the State ultimately responsible for my loss over the decades and therefore this Board established by the State should sort the matter out fairly (I have sometimes thought along the lines of the Thalidomide case.)
There are various flaws in this suggestion to myself, the main one of which (an argument I have placed very little emphasis on in the past because it requires the supposition that all psychiatrists who have assessed me have concluded I am better with the antidopamine drugs than without them, which I thought I knew was an absurdity, that professional people could not see the detriment the drugs did me) is that not everybody sees the matter from my point of view, that is that I have suffered a huge loss from having been given in an unevadable way (originally and later on on occasion by compulsion) antidopamine drugs. Whether the truth is seen now (that is that I have suffered such a loss) by people able and willing to give me compensation, or obtain it for me, depends centrally on who gets the information I put up on my website. Sometimes I am in doubt, but this morning I am able to recall facts such as the interview Joe on the till at Asda Merry Hill had been to in what I thought of as his break the day I bought two webcams there, just before the Saturday of the London Marathon. My pretty sure conclusion is that this was to gather evidence on my behaviour, and the implication is clear that the information was gathered by some body wider-ranging and with less parochial concerns than the body I used to call ‘the Authorities’. This body (which I hope is or will become a properly constituted Board of Enquiry) in gathering evidence fairly and from a wide range of sources (that is, not just my website) will come to the truth, that is that I have suffered a huge loss. The only question I suppose is the degree to which I or they think monetary compensation would be in order.
Thinking of Thalidomide, I suppose it is the case that many people have been inappropriately made to have antidopamine drug treatment, and some of them with less knowledge than myself possibly went along with it voluntarily even without the demoralising influence of the drugs themselves (although this latter does make the continuance of such a drug régime once started on more likely) because they presumed doctors understood what they were about (this certainly applies to Dawn, that is her trust in doctors particularly mature male doctors: although even so she sometimes seems reluctant to believe the drugs do her good - or did her good when they were not placebo - and has said, as we know, that the reason she takes them is to stay out of hospital). My case is unusual in the insistence that I be kept on a section year after year and in the assault I suffered in September 2004 compelling me to Bassetlaw Hospital for treatment (and the following year physical compulsion which was not assault compelling me to accept an injection). Other than that I suppose all patients inappropriately treated with these drugs which in many such cases must surely have reduced the patients’ employment prospects (and abilities in employment or for possible employment) have a case for compensation. The people responsible are psychiatrists as a body (and perhaps individual psychiatrists like Armond who took extraordinary measures in compelling patients) and the drugs companies who have not adequately vetted their own products. Whether the government authorising body giving permission from drugs to be marketed could be improved I do not know.
Psychiatrists as a body, I repeat, bear great similarity to the clique of theologians in mediaeval times. They write books and papers which mainly other theologians read, and receive praise or dispraise from the others on grounds which are simply fantasy. Yet the Government uses their advice - relies on it, even - in determining policy.
22/08/08 07:49
I have eaten three Carr’s Table Water biscuits from a packet bought yesterday at Sainsbury’s Birmingham city centre, with Anchor spreadable butter bought days ago possibly at Asda Stafford whence the drugged filter coffee originated (last Sunday: I must suppose that sometime on the Saturday - I was under the influence from bread, as best I could determine - when we made a trip to the Doncaster area to visit family I was hypnotised to think of going again to Stafford).
One possibility I can distinctly envisage is that ‘creative thinkers’ who I suppose are slightly better in this work than in the military designing missiles placed dud Energizer (or supposedly Energizer) batteries in Saver (the drugstore) in Stafford for me to buy. I’d better make sure of my stock from various alternate suppliers (for use in my Olympus audio recording devices which I use to deter the speaking of hypnotising words when we are out and about).
22/08/08 08:06
I am suffering slight confusion already and am slightly over-rushing to get things done. Almost certainly the Anchor butter is at fault.
22/08/08 08:42
I am considerably agitated at discovering drugs in the Anchor butter, even though the dosage getting into me this morning must be small. I have a bad headache, coming on much worse over the past half-hour. I have been in touch with police again (0845 113 5000, the West Midlands non-emergency number) about the mobile stolen which Dawn had bought at Planet Mobile Merry Hill on Thu 31-Jul-08, my motivation really being to cause trouble and cost to attach to the continuing drugging in the hope the drugging will decline further and in fact stop. If I maintain my momentum in what I am doing in pursuit of this (and also in trying to get the mobile blocked - although seemingly we can do that by going into any mobile phone shop - and in trying to get police to cease to promise me visits and then not carry through) I shall be complaining about the unhelpfulness of the policewoman I spoke to (either from Brierley Hill, or Dudley if my call was transferred to Dudley, because she answered with ‘Dudley police’) and the discrepancies between what she said and what otherwise I have been told. In particular she said that she didn’t know how to block a mobile which had no SIM card and could not trouble to find out how to block it. She did not seem to appreciate that to make a stolen mobile phone useless by blocking it, even if it is stolen without a SIM card, will discourage such thefts.
22/08/08 09:51
The drugging I have suffered this week, presumably consequent solely on last Sunday’s visit to Asda Stafford, has obviously not been so bad as to render me incompetent (not for more than an hour at a time, anyway) either by direct action on my brain or by raising my anger to levels where I suffer confusion. On the other hand, I’d rather avoid a repeat next week possibly consequent on something similar this weekend (given that we are going to visit family tomorrow Saturday just as we did last Saturday). The basis of our trip to Stafford last Sunday was, from my point of view, a concatenation of circumstances, but probably from the hypnotisers’ view a successful piece of ‘persuasion’. Much of the time what I do matters little to me: if I get fed up of staying at home I go out (if Dawn agrees) but where I go doesn’t usually matter. Much behaviour is not goal-directed in any way (even though an agent on Stafford station asked - into his mobile phone, that is in pretence to someone innocent of The Experiment - ‘why would you go there?’): we went to Stafford because it seemed convenient and there seemed no overriding reason against it. Fox cubs and other youngsters larking about are not pursuing a goal: they are gambolling randomly and acquiring experience in doing so, that is experience of moving their muscles in the world and of taking account of sensory inputs. I was remiss in a sense in not maintaining alertness to the fact that it was Sunday, and items bought on such a sparse shopping day have been in the past especially likely to have been interfered with. One solution this weekend would be to refuse to go to visit family, and here there comes into play the balance of advantage and risk. The advantages are mainly for Dawn to enjoy time with the kids (which she did, greatly, last Saturday) and for me to share in her pleasure. As a separate matter I do like being with the kids (that is, the grandchildren, but also their parents Dawn’s daughter and her partner) but it is not so significant to me as to Dawn. If Dawn were not benefiting, then even the slight risk I estimate I now face of suffering hypnosis leading me to shop incautiously - possibly even this coming Sunday, if my alertness goes to pieces - would mean we wouldn’t pay the visit. The thing is, in the past my estimation of (in particular: and this is related to ‘confidence’) the benefit to me of going against someone else’s wishes (in this case Dawn’s but in the past my parents’, as I thought it was although in fact they were heavily influenced from professional advisers, I’m sure: that is Armond persuading them that I should be maintained under treatment) has been an underestimate. When I tried running away to Keighley, I might then have succeeded in achieving determination of my own destiny but for the effects of the drugs, not only in a long-acting injection (which I might have ridden out and particularly since the effect itself would have been to still me, that is in Yorkshire once I was there) but unevadably in the withdrawal effects of the heroin they were giving me to counter the depression caused by the reserpine. I had to go back to my parents to get a continuing supply of heroin (hidden in what were said to be anti-side-effect tablets).
This weekend then the thing for me to do is try to ensure I take only undrugged food on Saturday - and in this instance I am going to have to insist that we do not use chickens bought last Sunday and untested (I mention how helpful it is to have clarity of mind to do this ‘pre-processing’ and work out in advance what to do and what might eventuate) - and avoid being hypnotised over Friday night (tonight). I think probably I was not hypnotised last Friday night but merely given worry deliberately by the connection to the camera I then installed being loosened by someone leaning over the fence: from this I have learnt I need a camera well away from the fence, and the one I bought yesterday at Maplins works despite them having to fetch a special one from the back said to be the only one in stock and despite its not working quite the same as the others I have so I shall need a separate connection from it; so this week I am even better covered against hypnosis (which might if it could be perpetrated induce me to take or obtain food tomorrow incautiously).
I also need batteries which are going to power my Olympus recording devices tomorrow without trouble or doubt, and I need to remember - or, preferably, find a way of alerting myself if I forget - not to buy food this coming Sunday. An automatic announcement several times Sunday morning might do that, set off by some sort of alarm-clock device.
23/08/08 05:54 [Saturday]
This morning I have woken up free of drugs and most likely free of ‘advice’ from overnight voicers. It would be convenient, until I have a means of automatically alerting me with fair certainty if there has been overnight voicing, to be able to examine the video evidence (over three hours of it, from around 1.30 am, and I suppose in case I was hypnotised while working out on the patio - the same as last Friday - for the period before that for which there is video evidence) without too much inconvenience. This (it strikes me) might entail having the video evidence on DVD or transferring it to DVD and viewing it as and when (eg during a train journey).
The effect of antischizophrenic drugs on me is not to introduce impediments in the way of things I want to do (along the lines of a physical disability) nor to make me sleepy and inattentive (or rather, not only these things) but to deprive me of any proper experience of life. My sensory inputs are downgraded and my ability in respect of fine control of motor output, certainly; and my capacity to organise myself and the things around me in pursuit of things I want to do; but the most significant and most severe effect is to interfere with the coming-into-existence of things I want to do. My Will is interfered with in such a way that I have no Will to speak of: I become worse than weak-willed, I am deprived of such a thing as my own Will entirely. This - this entire medley of negative effects intruded by antidopamine drugs, but especially the last since then it is not merely a case of being as-if a disabled person who has particular difficulties getting stuff done: it is a case virtually of not being alive in any human sense, but moving about and getting stuff done (furthermore having to counter the impediments mentioned) at the behest of other people. This is my explanation - better I believe now that I am free of interference to my communicative abilities from dopamine-blocking, but also from too much anger, and distraction from the vital need to counter the foisting of antidopamine drugs - my explanation why I find dopamine-blocking drugs an abhorrence and will do (as I have said) almost anything to evade them.
I say I am free of too much anger and distraction from fear of continued foisting, but nevertheless I have not been entirely free since I woke up, and have done a few things initially driven by the desire to make firm the happy condition I was in last night (up to say 1.30 am) by making sure (if I can) I do not take in any dopamine-blocking products in future (although given the power of the State, as I have explained, to put such products in every food I might buy for miles around, to all intents and purposes, it is never going to be a 100% certain avoidance: at least not until I get to France) but at the same time almost over-driven by this desire and need. The latter - coming close to being distracted and confused in my organisation by the very power of the significance of what I need to get done - is the closest I am ever going to come, now an adult (by which I mean I may have gone through a phase slightly closer to schizophrenia around the age of 16), to genuine schizophrenia.
23/08/08 07:08
Within the past ten minutes I have eaten a hot-cross bun (bought yesterday at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill) and now I feel arguably unnatural fullness of the bladder. Also I am somewhat loud and jokey, but this may possibly be a natural consequence of Dawn getting up. Earlier on, this morning, I drank a mug of coffee using Douwe Egbert granules bought at Sainsbury’s Birmingham city centre on 21-Aug-08 (which was Thursday) and big-bottle (5l) Sainsbury’s own-brand Caledonian water bought yesterday at Merry Hill. The drug effects - it is becoming every minute more likely they are drug effects - are most likely due to the coffee (from timing) and of the components there, more suspect is the water, as I was using the granules for quite a period yesterday (earlier in the day, indeed) without any effects whereas the water I started on only in the evening (and later on, having used Evian earlier bought at Asda Merry Hill, also yesterday) just before going to bed (and suffering full-bladder syndrome during the night as well).
23/08/08 07:20
There is no development of mental (or ‘psychological’) effects so I feel pretty sure there is a drug, probably in the water, but it is just a diuretic. Last night, on the other hand, on the bus back from Merry Hill I suffered unpleasant effects including sleepiness (unpleasant although very brief) and I concluded they derived from drugs in ice-cream bought at Asda of which I had eaten a few mouthfuls, and that they were ASM effects.
I must maintain clearly in mind - despite not in the least understanding how people can think it right, and be permitted by law, to foist such drugs as dopamine-blockers - that there are agents, presumably motivated by being offered money for success, who are intent on getting drugs into me allowing on-going hypnosis (preferably, to make easier the getting-into me in future of drugs) or otherwise drugs into me. I mean ‘psychological’ effects may yet develop from whatever has now got into me, allowing suggestion to be brought to bear to encourage me to take, or not sufficiently to resist taking, drugs in future (and specifically, on the experience of last weekend, by shopping for food tomorrow or otherwise taking food incautiously tomorrow).
24/08/08 05:18 [Sunday]
I have woken up this morning with seemingly perfect clarity of memory, eg regarding the plans I had for avoiding the consequences which I suffered last weekend of our trip to see family in the Doncaster area, namely (to be specific) the consequence that I shopped for food incautiously on the Sunday (a week ago today) buying drugged product at Asda Stafford. I say I recall clearly the plans I had - that is, in thinking to arrange an automatic announcement using spoken words (from a recording) to remind me today not to shop incautiously as it is Sunday - but because (almost certainly) there are drugs in me now which interfere with ‘intention’ I do not feel the same firm desire to achieve the goal in the plan as without drugs I would. What I’m saying is it is difficult to know what words to use to best describe the condition of my mind this morning, and the best I can do is refer to theorisations I have produced in the past (regarding planning and goal-achievement) to try to state matters accurately.
The drug which is in me this morning - the one, or one of the ones, related to opium - I can tell is in me from various pieces of evidence. Not only can I detect through introspection that my ‘intentions’, or my ‘capacity to form intention’, are not firm, but in confirmation there is the queasiness of stomach I have. There is also the fact (which I remember clearly) that yesterday from the time on the train to Doncaster when we were approaching Doncaster and then continuing although with fluctuating power I was drowsy: I was nodding off from time to time. Again there was nothing wrong with my memory, and this includes the resumable memories which retain knowledge of plans on-going including the components of them yet to be achieved. Just as this morning I remember the to-do consisting of establishing the automatic announcement of a reminder not to shop incautiously for food today Sunday the day after a visit when I could have been addressed with hypnotising suggestions, so yesterday on recovering from each period of ‘nodding off’ I recalled with clarity what I had been about, and this included complex sequences on-going such as those involved in my computer programming (which I was doing on and off from the time we were at Dawn’s daughter’s and continuing on the trains homeward).
I am sure this perfect clarity of memory even including memory containing very complex sub-components must prove the fact that no dopamine-blocking drug is acting on me, to reduce the resolution of my thinking (which would include the resolution of memories I could retrieve, but only at that time in retrieving them as later when the drug had worn off - this has been shown in my own experience many times - the memories then become available in full resolution so the memory traces themselves have not been in any way eroded) by reducing the number of synapses playing an effective part in thinking (that is, dopamine synapses which are the ones - from my experience - implicated in conscious thought). Therefore my conclusion is that the only mind-altering drug affecting me this morning is an opium-like agent which interferes with the firmness (or urgency) of one’s ‘intention’ in crystallising plans to be put into effect in the real world.
The danger I face - although a slight danger only, I estimate - is that my own ‘incorporated parent’ being weak as a consequence in issuing directives (orders to myself, as my mother used to phrase it), if I have been addressed hypnotising words yesterday they may be effective, say later today when I am acting more on the spur of the moment and may therefore not have in mind so clearly as now the danger of (to be specific) shopping incautiously for food. The notion I am trying to establish, of there being any danger worth calling danger, is very difficult in fact to establish: since if in a hasty moment I do forget that it is unwise to make food purchases today, then immediately my mind settles from whatever has been distracting me and causing me to act hastily, I shall recollect the unwisdom and take appropriate action (chucking the food bought, or returning it for refund, or giving it to someone else who might be less sensitive to drugs possibly in it). The only way I can see this going wrong would be if I were given other drugs today which perpetuated the effects should I act in a moment of haste, that is antidopamine drugs which when I shall have bought the contaminated food (in this envisaged scenario) cause me to forget, or at least forget in sufficient detail so that I disregard, the suspicions which should come back to me after the momentarily hasty action. From the evidence, the giving to me of antidopamine drugs has come down to zero, and while I cannot be sure they will not be resumed, since I do not understand the reasons behind them being given or the reasons for their reduction to zero now, I feel fairly confident they will not be resumed in any quantity. (The reasons they have been given, almost certainly - and the reason it has been felt right and proper to foist drugs on me at all, when for most members of the public in Britain there is lengthy debate about whether they should be foisted even fluoride in tapwater and fluoride is much less potent than antipsychotic medication - is that in the years from the mid 1980s onward the diagnosis I had of schizophrenia, to whatever extent the original diagnosers in Armond and the Mental Health Act second opinion in June 1984 genuinely believed the diagnosis, was not doubted by those charged with ‘looking after’ me and treating me. I have come to accept this explanation of the facts even though it follows that all psychiatrists in Britain - from the evidence of the sample who have confirmed my diagnosis - are complete and utter fools.)
Furthermore, from the implication I read into Dawn’s son’s manner when I described to him yesterday that the recording device I carry round my neck (and others I have from time to time when I need additional security) is to take evidence of any hypnotising voicing I suffer addressed to me, my guess is that he was deputed yesterday to speak such hypnotising words but did not speak them because of the device (even though I have not listened through the audio evidence). Besides that, I find I have no inclination in my mind definitely to go out today and specifically no inclination to go out to shop for food, and nor do I have any place in mind or even direction I might go in if I did go out. Nor do I feel distracted from my own thoughts as I did one morning in the past week - and it might well have been last Sunday [in fact I discover it was Sunday 10 August, two weeks ago] - by having in mind subliminal memories of words other people have addressed to me introducing foreign concepts. A few weeks back I think it was Dawn’s daughter in the Doncaster area (that is, not the deaf daughter who came to visit us in Kingswinford mid June) who was required by ‘the Authorities’ to give us - or me - drugged food, and she being the most sensible of Dawn’s children (and most like in temperament to Dawn and myself) gave evidence of embarrassment or shame in giving me the cheese sandwich. Since then I do not think she has been implicated in the perpetrations, unless it has been that on occasion we - or I - have been hypnotised at her house (but last Sunday I think it must have been on a train it was done, either to or from).
24/08/08 07:45
I have drunk (over a period of an hour at least, I estimate) a glass of squash and therefore I can feel certain that water - one of the 1.5l bottles of Evian from Asda Merry Hill Friday - is not drugged. I am therefore going to make a cup of instant coffee using it, using also Douwe Egberts granules seeming to be undrugged yesterday and previously and since yesterday morning kept in a locked safe. Even though I was drugged yesterday and the coffee I drank was made identically to this and taken with us in a flask, I think it was not that coffee wherefrom the drugs originated.
I find there has crystallised in my mind a desire for a trip out today and to a specific place. I think most likely however (despite initial fear that for such a place definitely to arise might indicate hypnosis) it has arisen - the place we might go, as well as the desire to take a trip at all - by natural processes, in fact out of my reading of my website diary for the past month. Such natural processes entail envisaging doing whatever it is - in today’s case, taking this trip - and estimating how pleasurable it would be. Then of course what is usually done is consider alternatives (several may be considered quickly in alternation, depending on any feeling of urgency to do anything at all, instead of simply ‘basking’ or lazing about) and consider one’s companions’ or potential companions’ views. If what I do, or what happens, in the real world matters little to me - if I am happy to daydream wherever I am - I may easily fall in with any suggestions from other people. I mean Dawn may well agree to my suggestion today for this trip; and in the past I may well have easily agreed to hypnotisers’ suggestions (not so much in my own case because I was happy whatever I was doing in the real world as that life was equally empty whatever I was doing). The fact that I am reflecting in this way, and that by implication I could alter my choice ‘on a whim’, implies to me that most likely I am not being ‘led’. On the other hand the fact that these reflections, on the reasons people do things (or, if you like, how I am deciding now what to do today), seem so relevant to Enquirers (for the ‘Board’) wishing to compare the way hypnotising suggestion gets me going versus the way I myself get myself going suggests to me that the general idea of explaining my motivations may be post-hypnotically residual in my mind.
Working out why I did things was an interest of mine from adolescence onwards, but in this case I still think the idea rather of ‘explaining myself’ must be a post-hypnotic residue. If I were simply working out why I did things I would, as in my younger days, be thinking in terms of mechanisms - including the nitty-gritty of the way neurons might be expected to interact - through understanding which I could hope to model human behaviour (starting with my own behaviour) on a computer. The terms I am thinking in today involve not such nitty-gritty but merely explaining myself in terms other people might understand. Therefore I believe I have been invited to explain myself in such terms (and in the past I have had in mind as if hypnotically voiced the phrase used in examinations: ‘give your reasons’).
Last Sunday I did not work things out so clearly in advance (the day we ended up buying drugged foods from Asda Stafford, I mean), so perhaps I am safe to think today may be more of a success even if we do take a trip out. Besides which, we need not buy any food to last beyond today, and could take coffee and other refreshments with us for the trip itself so as not to rely on any Pumpkin Café Shop or similar. If where we go is not completely off the map - if it is somewhere we are known to visit - then anywhere it might be (any café), they could be primed (Sunday not being busy) to fetch drugged coffee (say) out to us. On the other hand, this was done I believe the Sunday we went to Liverpool (and that was not somewhere we were known to visit): what I mean is, it would be costly for ‘the Authorities’ to make such arrangements very often. Possibly also there is no point in them repeating such a project having gathered their information. (Of course we lost out and have not yet been recompensed, to be able to repeat the visit at no extra cost to us, and I cannot be sure what the cost to ‘Them’ has been of my letters to Select Service Partner and to Crewe British Transport Police that is the degree to which a repeat has been disinclined by being made even more costly.)
24/08/08 08:14
As I have developed something like tinnitus (any drugs which have got into me most likely, I believe, derive from chocolate biscuits of which I have eaten a number, bought originally from Sainsbury’s Blackheath) I have applied Cerumol drops in my left ear to see if they cause any alteration.
24/08/08 08:31
Thinking again about whether to stay home today (not having had a chance to consult Dawn who is still asleep), there are minor improvements to security I could make, to make even less likely intrusion and especially undetected intrusion to drug foods we have stored at home and to make less likely hypnotising voicing reaching my ears at night, but they are not absolutely vital. The things Dawn wants to get done at home aren’t absolutely vital: we could do with painting the barge-boards before winter comes and when she has time and inclination she keeps the garden in fair order, but the luxuries offered by modern Society especially in a Western State where the Government keeps you from starvation mean we can do as we please (indeed in some people’s case this means they have not enough to keep them occupied unless they go to work and develop some sort of career) and spend time and effort mainly on what sometimes might be regarded as cosmetic and other times as art (both could apply to home decoration, for example).
My main interest (I reiterate) lies in computer modelling of mental processes, and while I have that (preferably with affordable computers to actually see something working) life is never going to be empty (unless I get into being drugged permanently or semi-permanently with antischizophrenic drugs again, I mean). Moreover if I have a laptop I can pursue this hobby on trains, and I like going about to see different places. I find it interesting to visit family, even though I believe they all (all humankind in fact) suffer from the Original Sin which could lead them under given circumstances to consign me to a mental ward or certainly to mental treatment (but of course some are more likely then others to trust to ‘authority’ in doctors).
To be honest - thinking of my website - it is in no way vital to continue a website, except to the degree it is useful to publicise facts to try to secure myself against improper treatment in future of the type I have suffered in the past. On the other hand, the costs are such that to continue a website is an entirely reasonable thing to do, and I can’t see any circumstances arising which make it actually counterproductive to continue it. In circumstances where I am drugged so that I cannot pursue my main hobby (my main hobby involving computer programming and working out detailed mechanisms in advance of programming them) the website, as an easier option from a technical point of view and providing opportunity to lay out almost a work of art (similar to a book or magazine one might publish) becomes more of an attraction.
24/08/08 09:15
I have chucked a few items of foods over the fence which seem to me to have too high a probability they may contain drugs. I have eaten the rest of the gateau bought at Asda Merry Hill Friday which I do not believe contained drugs.
On reflection, the bread which I stopped eating (that recently bought I mean) but which Dawn continues to eat almost certainly does contain drugs, and occasionally these drugs result in snappiness from Dawn which I would rather not suffer and certainly not for unnatural reasons. They may be the drugs also which cause her to sleep longer than might be natural, and are certainly drugs which create acid in her stomach (costing us in remedies such as Pepcid2). The fence again.
24/08/08 09:26
My mind is less clear than it was so possibly the gateau did contain drugs after all. The focus of my attention is now shifted to trying further to discourage supermarkets and cafés from selling us drugged foods. I need to check up whether Select Service Partner have received my latest letter.
24/08/08 11:51
The effects I am suffering are so great that my preferred hypothesis now is that they derive from drugs in the chocolate biscuits bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath on Tuesday 1 July 2008 when a great effort was put into getting us to buy drugged foods and barely any foods free of drugs (by my assessment now looking back).
24/08/08 12:36
On the other hand it strikes me the drug mixture - as I say, probably from biscuits bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath - must contain ASM and stimulants as I was being given them around 2004 (or perhaps from the end of 2005 because the evidence points to the ASM component being risperidone which I was being officially prescribed then) and the resultant of such a mixture is that I am fairly logical and competent in the physical universe (as I was around 2003 when I first began to escape directives given by Barbara, able then to negotiate the infrastructure of Britain despite the drugs, and paying a visit to see Zoë as I have explained just before Christmas 2002 this requiring me to drive over a hundred miles to a place new to me) but cannot think in my mind with any proper intellect and certainly not at the same time as negotiating the physical universe. Now for example talking to Dawn I am distracted from what I am writing, and moreover what I am writing requires much less intellectual finesse than the stuff I would rather be doing for which see under 08:31 above.
I ask myself if the drug effects I suffered yesterday perhaps derived entirely from chocolate biscuits (from this same packet) I ate yesterday morning. I think probably it is not so because Dawn also suffered drug effects, although mild and fleeting, and she ate no chocolate biscuits as far as I know. The effects I suffered though were consonant with the theory that I took in a mixture early in the day and in the morning the stimulant component predominated (causing me to utter witticisms on the train northward) but later in the day I was nodding off.
The effects today are now turning towards more physical effects, in pain in the neck and nasal congestion (or constriction of the nasal passages).
25/08/08 02:07 [Monday]
I have woken up early (evidently): in fact before 2 am at around 1.50 am having at that time lain awake - or in the process of waking up - for say fifteen minutes. The security lights covering the back garden came on two or three times while I was asleep, half waking me and on one occasion waking Dawn who enquired what had happened. I don’t think any hypnotising words have been spoken to me however. It strikes me a major desire of those making what I will call an investigation into the way I have been treated (an investigation short of a properly constituted legal Inquiry) will be for information, particularly it seems, lately, on what it is I suffer from the drugs I have been given. Therefore any hypnosis addressed to me I would expect to lead me to a greater interest than in fact I have in updating my website. This is as a general principle, but on Sundays or ready for Sundays hypnotic voicing in recent weeks has had the more specific hope of persuading me to shop incautiously for food. This resulted in our shopping at Asda Stafford a week ago yesterday and buying a number of drugged foodstuffs some of which affected me adversely yesterday (the marg used in crumble which we ate yesterday for dessert around say 2 pm). This caused Dawn to behave in a way not natural to her and which I did not like nearly as much as her normal self. She was more aggressive in her language, being too easily roused to snappish anger; yet later on - the stimulant component in the drug mixture she had taken in from the crumble having declined in its effect relative to the ASM component - she became somewhat cloying that is wanting emotional support, yet at the same time retaining a critical tone in her manner which didn’t best invite support.
I believe the reason I have woken up so early results from the drugs affecting me, and now wearing off. I was unnaturally sedated yesterday and dozed off quite a bit. This has somehow led to what might be thought of as a rebound effect of wakefulness now, without its being exactly an effect of stimulant drugs acting on me now. My belief, as I say, is that the drugs have mostly worn off (however the resolution of my thinking is not entirely back to normal, and I cannot, I feel, perform as well as naturally I would in pursuing my hobby involving writing intricate computer programs). Waking so very early is a feature I first became subject to in hospital in 2005, and I believe must be associated with antischizophrenic drugs which have a stimulant side to their action, specifically risperidone. I believe most likely the antischizophrenic drug which got into me yesterday (from the marg bought a week before at Asda Stafford, almost certainly) was risperidone as in recent years I have been officially prescribed it.
A main part of the effect yesterday of the mixture of drugs was paranoia: I became fearful that antischizophrenic drugs would continue to be got into me as a permanent feature. If they did get into me most of my pleasure in life would be gone, in that I could not pursue my hobby (involving writing intricate computer programs) nor could I get proper enjoyment from other aspects of life such as talking to people to exchange ideas, and in the case of children to give them advice or teaching and have the pleasure of seeing their response and adequately understanding it. When we were living at the park home and I was often affected by antischizophrenic drugs I had much less pleasure in paying visits to Dawn’s family; but on the other hand I wanted to do so with a greater feeling of urgency, because otherwise - given that I could not adequately keep myself amused with computer programming to what I believe might be significant ends in terms of modelling human perception (particularly visual) - life was fairly empty. Another aspect of the paranoia affecting me yesterday was that I felt my website might not be freely accessible as it should be, and the only people I convey information to in writing for my website are people who have the central interest only of getting me back under the thumb of antischizophrenic medication. As I mentioned above, I do wrong to think that information I present on my website for ‘overseers’ or ‘investigators’ is put before a properly constituted legal Board of Enquiry: this would not be the natural way for such a Board to get its information. So I am now thinking in terms of a Civil Service constituted review - an internal review, I suppose - in which senior ‘overseers’ are finding out what has happened over the years I have been under treatment at the hands of (I believe) a sub-committee of the Mental Health Act Commission. The way to look at the treatment I have been subject to is that it has been compulsory treatment such as some mental patients are subject to, but unusual compulsory treatment in that attempts have been made to give me freedom (or a semblance of freedom) - for example freedom to roam about Nottinghamshire - and unusual too in not following the legal rules detained patients enjoy protection from. For example regarding communication: ordinarily mental patients including those ‘on a section’ that is under compulsory detention or on leave from such detention may write letters (which will be delivered) to anyone who has not stated they do not want to receive such letters. In my case my communications - by letter and by internet - have been interfered with, and in some cases not delivered to the addressee I sent them to. One point in such freedom of information transmission is that improperly detained patients can get the facts across to anyone who has not said they don’t want to know (or at least can convey the facts for any such recipient to read if they wish to on receipt). The intention to stop such transmission of information from myself needs to be explained. I cannot think there is any ethical explanation and surely the indication is that those holding me to this unusual version of compulsory treatment felt that what they did would not bear examination: that is they were ashamed that they might be in the wrong even if they did not know for sure that they were doing wrong. I hope that now they have not been able to evade a more open enquiry (although not as yet a properly constituted Board) which will find out the full facts (and has already found out many, I suppose) including the fact that I have never been in need of, nor benefited from, treatment with antipsychotic drugs.
One of the fears I have expressed about the action on me of antischizophrenic drugs is that they ‘still’ me, and in particular they cause me to lose interest in communicating. This is something certainly found out in recent months: given antischizophrenic drugs I lose interest in communicating for example via my website. In tandem I also lose the ability to present my ideas in an interesting, informative and convincing way, so that potential interlocutors (in face-to-face conversation, or by phone or IM even) have less interest in engaging with me. As I say, I myself become less interested in communicating (given antischizophrenic drugs) but on the other hand sometimes feel it would be useful to me to be able adequately to communicate, and specifically to be able to communicate the detriment the drugs themselves do me. This is yet another example of the situations these drugs lead me to involving frustration of my efforts.
25/08/08 03:05
On Saturday on the train Doncaster-bound I was reminded by seeing someone with a portable DVD player that I had thought of buying one myself. I have a suspicion that this idea originated out of hypnotic suggestion, as did an idea I had two or three months back to buy a movie on DVD. I guess the idea was that this is the sort of thing I might have purchased in years gone by and the way I went about it could be looked into and predictions made fairly closely (especially if I was also given hypnotic guidance in specifics like where to buy the DVD) what route I might follow to the purchase (so that I could be kept track of to gather evidence in making the purchase). However, the reason I might buy a portable DVD player (the reason I gave myself one morning recently) would be to make easier the checking-over of video recorded showing activity in our back garden (or otherwise around the house) for security. I do not in fact need a portable DVD player for this purpose since if I timestamp the triggering of the motion detectors (eg those covering the back garden) I can jump straight to the point on the video - even on tape cassette - that I need to view. This is one example of the way distraction from irrelevant advice given through hypnotic voicing makes me less effective in what centrally I want to do.
I don’t say that a portable DVD player for more ordinary purposes is a thing which would never be of interest to me: what I say is that to intrude the advice at an irrelevant time is a distraction making what I am about less effective. Intruding advice at an irrelevant time is one example showing that to give advice even with the best of intentions which is unwanted advice - intruded through hypnotism - is bad because sufficient feedback - information which I myself have available to me automatically (such as in this instance the reason at this time I might want a portable DVD player, even if at other times - when security is less of an overriding need - there might be other reasons) - this feedback information cannot be available to ‘advisers’ in such detail and depth (even if they were paid a massive fee to motivate them to act in my best interests).
25/08/08 03:38
I see I last updated my website last Monday morning - a week ago - and was focusing on events of 2003 (from the date I ‘ran away’ from Kingswinford) and 2004. Possibly this followed hypnosis over that weekend suggesting enquiries into those years. Otherwise the effect of the opium-like drug used, in making me more suggestible, meant that the accidental thumb injury I sustained on the Saturday (16 August 2008) led me to think back to the year I knew Caroline (whose assault on me injured my thumb). The website has not been updated since last Monday evidently because of the ‘stilling’ effect of drugs in the foods bought on the Sunday (just over a week ago) at Asda Stafford.
When these drugs get in amongst me I always feel - certainly in recent months - that the reason they are given is for their ‘stilling’ effect, either to quash my publicising my complaints or to defer what happens to be in line with the Civil Service timetable (that is, certain things are investigated in May, certain others in June, and so forth). But when the drugs are out of my metabolism or substantially so I feel the most likely reason they are given is to find out about the effects (the detrimental effects, as I presume is now widely understood). I never nowadays suspect they are foisted for the almost proper purpose of giving benefit to one suffering from mental illness. I’m not sure whether I can believe they were ever prescribed in that correct spirit. Even in the early 1980s my presumption would be Armond had little fear I might truly develop positive-symptom schizophrenia, and prescribed antischizophrenic drugs either thinking they would do no harm, or thinking the unpleasant side-effects might prove salutary. I thought the same of his sarcastic manner, that it was as it were to knock some sense into me by treating me harshly.
[There is evidence from my detectors that the front door was opened and shut just before 4 am this morning, and I have no recollection of it. Because we were so sleepy last night we went to bed about 8 am and neither Dawn nor I bolted the front door. Note added 25/08/08 12:32.]
25/08/08 04:29
Thus far, despite getting up early, I have felt no particular tiredness. I conclude I had had sufficient sleep - given the dozing I did yesterday - and have taken in no drugs this morning. I was drinking a small quantity of wine earlier on, and have just eaten a scone with Butterlicious bought at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill on Friday. (I find my memory is once more clear, eg in retrieving the locations food items were purchased.)
25/08/08 05:21
I can take it from my loss of attention, that is the ability to concentrate, that either the scone or the Butterlicious contains a relatively minor sedating or tranquillising drug. Even though I am slowed by having interludes in which I am doing no work (on my computer prog, which I have found it possible to return to, the recent ASM having worn off evidently) because of loss of attention, the structure in my head modelling the prog and what it is supposed to be doing is still there in a resumable version, just as it is in something I have a strong interest in even after a night’s sleep. I take time out to rest my mind (or sleep in other cases) but when my attention returns to what it had been on, as I say there is no difficulty taking up the reins where I left off.
25/08/08 07:56
Looking back at what I wrote Saturday morning:
This morning I have woken up free of drugs and most likely free of ‘advice’ from overnight voicers. It would be convenient, until I have a means of automatically alerting me with fair certainty if there has been overnight voicing, to be able to examine the video evidence (over three hours of it, from around 1.30 am, and I suppose in case I was hypnotised while working out on the patio - the same as last Friday - for the period before that for which there is video evidence) without too much inconvenience. This (it strikes me) might entail having the video evidence on DVD or transferring it to DVD and viewing it as and when (eg during a train journey).
The effect of antischizophrenic drugs on me is not to introduce impediments in the way of things I want to do (along the lines of a physical disability) nor to make me sleepy and inattentive (or rather, not only these things) but to deprive me of any proper experience of life. My sensory inputs are downgraded and my ability in respect of fine control of motor output, certainly; and my capacity to organise myself and the things around me in pursuit of things I want to do; but the most significant and most severe effect is to interfere with the coming-into-existence of things I want to do. My Will is interfered with in such a way that I have no Will to speak of: I become worse than weak-willed, I am deprived of such a thing as my own Will entirely. This - this entire medley of negative effects intruded by antidopamine drugs, but especially the last since then it is not merely a case of being as-if a disabled person who has particular difficulties getting stuff done: it is a case virtually of not being alive in any human sense, but moving about and getting stuff done (furthermore having to counter the impediments mentioned) at the behest of other people. This is my explanation - better I believe now that I am free of interference to my communicative abilities from dopamine-blocking, but also from too much anger, and distraction from the vital need to counter the foisting of antidopamine drugs - my explanation why I find dopamine-blocking drugs an abhorrence and will do (as I have said) almost anything to evade them.
It strikes me that what I have suffered from the ‘treatment’ has been an additive result from several factors, including two factors due to drugs, that is dopamine-blocking drugs and the opium-like drug which interferes with ‘intention’. I said earlier (and I have since had a further sleep encouraged almost certainly as much by sedative drugs in the scone I ate or in the Butterlicious as by my very early waking in the middle of the night) that I concluded the faint desire I had to buy a portable DVD player might well have derived from hypnotising suggestion: well what I mentioned in the next paragraph about being deprived of my own Will I suspect was also put up to me through nighttime voicing, as if in fact to prove to the perpetrators, or to their bosses, that I did not in fact suffer from other people’s suggestions interfering with and even displacing my own Will, because I did not suffer from the suggestion that I buy a portable DVD player. Either I bought one and had the benefit of it, or I rejected the ‘advice’ and saved the money to be spent on other things.
In the paragraph in question (from Saturday 16 August 2008) I did go on to speak of being ‘weak-willed’, the implication of which might be that given drugs I too readily fall in with other people’s suggestions hypnotising or otherwise; and there is truth in that. Sometime recently I bought two items from Selfridges in Birmingham Bull Ring, that is a robot arm and a ‘universal’ power-supply for laptops. The power-supply is not what I thought it was: I had thought it was a backup battery module but in fact it is a universal transformer to be used anywhere in the world or from supply provided on aeroplanes and through lighter-sockets in motor vehicles. I do not know if at the time I bought it my perceptual resolution was downgraded by ASM, in other words so that I did not attend to details as I ordinarily would. However I am sure the post-hypnotic encouragement I was under to buy either specifically that power-supply or something from that floor of Selfridges distracted me from the procedure I would ordinarily follow in buying anything, and particularly if it cost quite a bit and particularly if it was something technical I needed for computing. It’s true I could return it, but balancing the value to me of the money I might retrieve against the ‘utility’ (in economic terminology) of the thing, it isn’t worth my while to return it. The robot arm, even though I have not yet got round to trying it or using it as I intended to use it, I am still happy to have. The only thing about that is because I did not in the way I ordinarily would schedule its purchase, I have not (as I say) got round to trying it out and when I do get round to trying it out, it could conceivably be outside the warranty period and be found not to work.
The main fear I have about being offered hypnotising advice is that it can lead me - as on Sunday 17 August a week ago yesterday - to buy drugged food. This is a most unusual risk from being hypnotised and most people being hypnotised, even by stage hypnotists and not for more sensible medical purposes, do not face this risk.
I also spoke in that paragraph of having no Will of my own. This follows not so much from being offered hypnotising advice, even unwanted advice which distracts me from my own usual procedures and might result, even without drugs, in a hasty purchase. It follows in the main (from what I can make out) from the opium-like drug, and particularly from its being given at unpredictable times and occasions, and particularly when in combination with dopamine-blocking drugs. Dopamine-blocking drugs given week after week and month after month are the major problem I have faced (and in the years preceding 2004 I did not suffer the opium-like drug at all, but instead ‘suffered’ advice or rather leading by Barbara). Dopamine-blocking in interfering with the setting up of resumable structures modelling the world, or aspects of the world, prevents the larger-scale processing which is one of the main things distinguishing Man from animals. When I have said that ASM [antischizophrenic medication] reduces my processing capacity, this is how it does it (in the main): by preventing me thinking day after day, with intermissions for the practical needs of life, about larger-scale more abstract topics, including any larger-scale plan for my own future (of course it does also downgrade resolution of perception, and resolution of processing in the associative cortex). From the early 1980s while I was affected by antidopamine drugs I lost any capacity to organise my own longer-term future; all I was doing was waiting for the drugging to stop so that I could resume my life. It amazes me that this way antidopamine drugs interfere in people’s mental functioning was not known then, and it amazes me more if it is not understand nowadays even (and I believe it is not understood even now, by the drugs companies or by prescribers or researchers).
To be in an opium haze all the time would interfere with one’s self-determination, naturally, but even to suffer opium-like drugging from time to time is an interference made much worse if combined with antidopamine drugs, because the breaks intruded by the opium drug mean it is even more vitally necessary to be able to resume where one left off (processing for one’s usual life). Similarly incarceration in a hospital ward is made much worse if the drugs used - antidopamine drugs - interfere with the resumption afterwards of one’s usual business. This applied in my case to my first hospitalisation, and in fact it applied before that: it applied from the time I was first off work ‘sick’ around July 1980, given then my first official prescription of antidopamine drugs.
When I was released from hospital in February 1981 I made the statement that presumably the house I then owned myself (on a mortgage) would have to be sold, since I could not see that I could cope with the practicalities of it being given the drugs I was. It was half an ironic joke, since I hoped the drugging I was suffering (continued unofficially in foods after the injections stopped in mid 1981, and in fact worsening then, plainly for the reason that dosages could not be controlled properly, just as from mid 1984 the dosage of surreptitiously administered reserpine I was suffering was not under proper control this resulting in my suicidal depression) would not be continued, but my parents took the matter in hand (to what extent advised by the Armond team I do not know) and arrangements were made and the house sold. In the Spring of 1982 I resigned my employment, for the same reason, that the drugs I was suffering meant I could not cope with the work. At this stage I believe the Armond ‘Experimenters’ must have paused for thought: the surreptitious drugging was stopped for a while from around April 1982, as I can tell from the handwriting in my diaries.
The outcome of that sequence was that I was given amphetamine again from around the beginning of 1983 and was compulsorily hospitalised for the second time on Thursday 1 March 1984.
25/08/08 11:45
In what must surely be a rebound after yesterday’s drugging with ASM I have been on song as regards continuing my preparation of a website update - ongoing on and off over several days - but unfortunately have developed a headache. The latter I would think of as something akin to a hangover after the sedative drugs I took in this morning. I have just eaten two cracker biscuits - most likely undrugged - with more of the Butterlicious (which may be drugged with the sedative drug).
Dawn has got up and is preparing breakfast.
25/08/08 12:47
I have downloaded the five audio files presently in device 3 and the date on that device was 17/08/08 (bearing in mind it doesn’t update itself but once as midnight is crossed). The time was more or less correct. I have now replaced the device and re-started it (at recording number 6, I presume).
... Looking at the files downloaded, the latest time the device was started (until this time) was 16/08/08 06:16, the Saturday we visited family in the Doncaster area and were I believe hypnotised - sometime that day - to shop incautiously for food in Stafford the following day Sunday 17-Aug-08. The recording since then extends to 1hr 42min of non-silence.
25/08/08 12:56
The way I am thinking at the moment the object of illicit entry such as may have been perpetrated this morning just before 4 am is to give me something to do, and something not all that easy, so that through studying what I do and how I go about it the effects of drugs and other forms of ‘treatment’ supposed (by some) at one time to be a help to me may be studied. This is all very well but I feel I need independent legal representation and that a properly constituted Judicial Review or some sort of Board of Enquiry (or an ordinary Court in which I can, with legal help, start the process by suing Armond) should be instigated.
At times when I am more paranoid - this resulting from unsuccessful evasion of drugs - I feel not that senior Civil Servants are trying to sort out the matter in a way fair to everybody but that the Government (or ‘the State’) is out to hide facts about my past mis-treatment (or certainly mistaken treatment) until I give up the fight (and perhaps retire to France) or they convince people who might help me (my family or the police, or my MP or solicitors) that I genuinely am loony and get me carted off to some backwoods institution to serve the rest of my days.
If it is done, this intrusion through opening the front door, merely for the purpose of giving me worry to provoke some activity in response, then the perpetrators need not even have entered the bungalow (to drug foods, or to steal information, or whatever) especially if they want to make sure nothing is provable (since they do not know the full details of my security arrangements).
25/08/08 13:16
I have just started another VHS recording (8 hr LP).
25/08/08 15:23
The past thirty (possibly as much as sixty) minutes I have felt short-tempered. As regards physical symptoms I have developed nasal congestion and headache. My memory is unclear but I recall I emptied some of the contents (around 200ml I guess) out of a 5l bottle I filled from our tap at 13:00 (which I recall finding suspicious, that it was 1 pm on the dot) into the electric kettle, and what I am supposing is that one way or another I have used some of that water (which was diluted by mixing with the contents already in the kettle) for coffee (which I drank a while back) and that the tapwater contains drugs, in fact a mixture of stimulant with ASM. However I cannot recall using water from the kettle and can’t see that I would do so without a definite intention this involving memory of having done it. Unless some sort of hypnosis has taken place - since we are sitting out of doors at the back of the bungalow - and I have been induced to ‘unthinkingly’ and without memory use part of the contents of the kettle. I find it surprising that I do not recall more clearly than I do, tipping some from the 5l bottle into the electric kettle: either hypnosis caused me to be unthinking in what I did (which as I say may have included going on to use the tapwater for myself, and indeed I recollect I had vaguely the idea of testing it) or drugs have reduced the resolution of my thinking and my memory. Probably it is the latter, given the physical and close-to-physical symptoms I have.
If I did not use any of that water myself (and I think the probability is around 50% that I did not) then the question arises, whence did the drugs get into me confusing my thinking and memory now? Dawn has been using the tapwater without hesitation and shows no indication (as she did yesterday, whether from drugs in the tapwater she was drinking yesterday or from elsewhere) of irritability (indicative, in my experience, of stimulant drugs or stimulant drugs combined with ASM). In fact she shows no particular sign of any drug being in her, unless possibly her Risperdal on the presumption that affects her much less, for the same dosage, than it would me.
... Enquiring of her I find she has not had any Butterlicious or other spread today, and given that one of the few items other than drinks I have taken which have often been drugged (that is, spreads have) was the Butterlicious it may well be that that is drugged. It may have affected Dawn yesterday as well as myself. I know we were using it yesterday but whether we started on it before yesterday I do not know.
25/08/08 15:44
Having drunk a cup of hot chocolate made up with ice cubes bought at Asda Merry Hill last Friday and melted, I find my actions are physically speeded but not confused in being speeded (of course this phenomenon might be nothing to do with the cup of hot chocolate). Even suffering the confusion of mind referred to above I was not dismayed and certainly not made paranoid as I was yesterday (except possibly very briefly and weakly today).
The focus of my suspicion on the tapwater derives really from Dawn’s suggestion yesterday that it should not be wasted, which (with paranoia yesterday exaggerated by drugs) I thought might be a result of ‘the Authorities’ getting her, through hypnotising her (eg through her mobile phone at night, or more likely during our recent trip to Doncaster), to try to enable tapwater to have drugs in it in the early morning the hope being that I should draw some then into a bottle for use. It is clear to me in what I am saying, how big a contribution is played by my own hypotheses that is guesses what policies ‘the Authorities’ might follow. Given certain drugs these hypotheses are not satisfactorily tested against reality, yet are persisted with because it is too much processing cost to come up with others (certainly with others to be held in mind as possibilities in tandem).
25/08/08 15:56
Possibly it would make sense to suppose that recently spreads have been drugged, and yesterday the Stork bought the preceding Sunday from Asda Stafford was acting on me (and us) causing Dawn slight irritability from time to time and causing myself major paranoia. The spread more recently bought - eg the Butterlicious - may contain a similar mixture of drugs but in a much lower dosage (and I have used little of it today anyway, on cracker biscuits).
I have been trying on and off through the course of today to get my website update into a finalised state - even if only as an interim - to upload, and from time to time I have felt greater urgency from something akin to paranoia in that publishing facts about failures in mental healthcare might assist me to avoid being drugged. For much that reason I have been preparing letters, eg to suppliers of drugged foods, hoping to protect myself for the future. However, neither the website update nor any of the letters are finalised, for which I blame a combination of intermittent distraction (from drug effects) with difficulty resuming what I was doing (on the one hand), and (on the other hand) momentum developing (caused by drugs) when I get into a sidetrack issue and become interested, again with difficulty - or not so much difficulty as neglect to think of doing it, or to think sufficiently ‘powerfully’ to execute it - breaking off and resuming the main thrust.
I find I am interested, actually, now to consider (much less affected by drugs confusing my thoughts, and able therefore to summarise and theorise based on introspections like the above) what this means, to think ‘powerfully’ enough for execution. This ties in with thoughts I had in July of 2007 (Sat. 14/7/07. 07:05) on the way the frontal brain has developed in man to model processes related to causality. The basic notion is that if some structure held in mind has associated with it a high (approaching 100%) ‘coefficient of reality’ it is treated as-if real. This can apply to hypotheses explaining (putatively explaining) what is going on or why it is going on (the latter often permitting better prediction what will go on in the future) and to plans laid to achieve ends. If I have in mind - either from past experience or worked out on and for the occasion demanding it - a scheme (represented within the brain in the form of a neural structure) for achieving some definite end, then I may (depending on ‘confidence’ in either the mathematical sense or the human sense, the latter being based on the former but with the addition of subjective estimation possibly overstating or understating reality) treat the end as-if already achieved. If I want to turn on the TV, then I may well have such confidence that always when I want to I manage to do so, that I may treat it is an already accomplished fact and leave it to the last minute to do it in actuality, thinking little of it in the interim. Only rarely will things go wrong (the digital box fail, perhaps) so I am safe in making the presumption in advance (and moreover my activation level is not raised by the cost of possible failure, whereas if it were a matter of life and death I should be preprocessing, or ‘worrying’, more in advance even given a situation with the same probability of success and improbability of failure).
The drugs which interfere with ‘intention’ (par excellence if opium and ASM are mixed, certainly in my case) interfere with the availability to be put into effect of schemes such as those just described as embodied in the brain in neural structures (neural structures within or certainly depending heavily on the frontal brain). In doing this they may interfere with confidence, but possibly (it now occurs to me) only in introspective persons who can estimate, through self-examination, that the usual likelihood they will succeed has been downgraded. Most likely it is only such persons who will take umbrage at being drugged in such a way, and take steps to try to circumvent the interference (for example in my case by making it physically impossible for me to take drugged foods - by chucking them - instead of relying on ‘intention’, which may fail, to stay away from something unwanted like drugged foods if retained).
25/08/08 17:09
I have just tipped away the remaining 25% of a cup of hot chocolate I had been drinking, drinking it over a period of perhaps twenty minutes. Wind is building up in my intestine, all of a sudden, and a few minutes ago I needed to pass water not so much urgently but certainly because of an unnaturally full bladder. This hot chocolate I made using tapwater (and filled another 5l bottle at the same time, which was 16:30 as I had to label the bottle). I had become slightly confused in my mind too, in that I believed I had written a follow-up to my letter dated 12-Aug-08 to Select Service Partner asking for compensation for our failed trip to Liverpool, failed because of drugs in crisps Upper Crust sold us on Crewe station, and was surprised to have no record of the (presumed) Recorded Delivery receipt number. In fact the letter dated 12-Aug-08 was the follow-up I had in mind, following up an earlier letter which may in fact not have got sent due to drug-induced confusion I suffered over the weekend of 26-27 July 2008 (the weekend we took the trip to Liverpool). I have had no reply from Select Service Partner.
25/08/08 18:21
I have had a tea-time meal prepared by Dawn and including three cracker biscuits - different crackers from the earlier ones - spread with the Butterlicious. I ate the meal perhaps fifteen minutes ago, and now think I feel effects of drugs once again starting up. I have examined audio evidence from overnight last night and my strong belief that I had been hypnotised seems mistaken. I had been tying it in with speech heard from passers-by along the path to our rear - who I presumed were agents of the Authorities - saying something to the effect, ‘What is it you’re trying to say?’ In other words I was presuming the point of the hypnosis - the presumed hypnosis - had been to encourage me to update my website and explain myself therein. It seems most likely that all my efforts in setting up cameras and what-not are not really needed, or if they are then they act merely as a deterrent. I have no hard evidence I have been hypnotised here at the bungalow in Kingswinford, but on the other hand I find it unbelievable [almost unbelievable: but re-considered below] that we chose without guidance - that is guidance in the form of words voiced to me in a trance or heavy sleep - to shop at Asda Stafford a week ago yesterday, given that they were pre-prepared with drugged food to sell us. I suppose it is faintly believable that all supermarkets within reach by train or bus carried a stock of drugged butter and marg that Sunday, and this drugged food can be sold with impunity to any odd member of the public who chooses to buy it on a Sunday, because my sensitivity is so great no other person would notice the drugs in the spreads in the least (however much they ate, up to a whole tub I suppose).
The Butterlicious bought from Sainsbury’s Merry Hill on Friday seems to contain drugs - something I have taken by mouth today contains drugs, and from the timing and relative strength of effect the most likely culprit is the Butterlicious - in which case I must suppose it is true that these drugged spreads are available all over the place in Britain - certainly locally hereabouts - and no one but I notices the drugs in them. If it is so, I can understand how difficult the perpetrators have found it to believe I suffer from such mild dosages as have been given in the past (and I even suffer slightly from these dosages now: certainly they distort my behaviour and I’d rather be free to do what naturally I should be doing). I can think of various purposes in making the costly arrangements for these drugs to be put in foods, none of which is so convincing it is 100% convincing. However I feel (at present) fairly confident the purpose is not to get me into a mental ward to be silenced in some outback never to be heard from again.
It was only in July (last month) that I started exposing on my website the detriment antischizophrenic drugs do to my intellect. This must have been because the dosages were then very much lower than had in the past caused me a paranoid reaction including non-cooperation to the point of destroying information because I thought ‘the Authorities’ were after information and drugged me in pursuit of information. The dosages now are so low that possibly there is some truth in an idea I have formerly entertained, that the purpose is to find what minimum dosage I notice at all.
Looking back to early this morning, the reason I went back to bed then would be because of drugs - antischizophrenic drugs, it seems likely now - in the Butterlicious [but see later this paragraph]. The ‘delusion’ that I had been hypnotised - founded in unaccountable data from a detector connected to the front door, but since made accountable - came from the effect of the drugs on my brain/mind. Nevertheless prior to going back to bed I got some further work done on the Visual scene analysis project, including adapting the procedure which finds an estimate for whitenessthreshold for a lineage, to work for the entire scan. In doing this I needed to make changes which (it strikes me now) would improve the operation when applied to each lineage as it does for the whole scan. Because I now feel so clear in my mind, and interested once more in this project, I wonder if the drugs were in fact in the scones and not in the Butterlicious (given, I mean, that I have eaten no scones since and the drug effects are now wearing off).
26/08/08 06:42 [Tuesday]
The Vaio has been left on all night, and yesterday morning (or one morning recently) it resumed having been in hibernation overnight, and on both these occasions the following error message has arisen. Clicking Continue three times makes it go away for a while, and eventually (after making it go away thus, several times) it goes away permanently. I am tempted to associate this Exception with Archive C1 having been loaded into the Vaio recently (but the system reinstated since using the recovery discs), because the error message didn’t come up before that; but I accept I may be mistaken in making this attribution. In the parallel case with the PB EasyNote in autumn 2006 I became overly concerned about similar error messages - exaggerated ‘niggling’ notice of ‘discrepancies’ - but since the message doesn’t in fact seem to be associated with any catastrophe and it’s quite easy to get it to disappear, I am not particularly worried and certainly not fazed under these circumstances (of more or less freedom from drugs, I mean).
We are not entirely free of drugs, but the drugs I have not evaded (yesterday) were stimulant drugs which caused me no particular difficulty. I have woken with dark marks under my eyes, and this I can associate with stimulant drugs since I remember the same symptom in 1980 (or the early 1980s later on) and at that time there was an interview published by Kate Bush in which it was said she had ‘dark circles’ under her eyes: I believe in fact it was 1980 since I recall in one of my many letters to her asking her to ask her Dad (a doctor: a GP I think) to send me something to help me sleep. That is, I can associate this symptom with stimulant drugs when other drugs and specifically ASM are absent. I feel very mildly confused in getting going here this morning, this corresponding to my ‘chattering on’ in this writing about things of little genuine significance; however I am not substantially confused: better to say distracted in that time and attention are taken up which otherwise I would be devoting to more sensible stuff more valuable in the long term.
Dawn, as I have come to expect, shows a greater response than I to these stimulants, and in her case the dosage is such as to give her acid stomach, a symptom I suffered in 2004 certainly, from higher dosages then of stimulant drugs. I also suffered frequent headache in 2004 and Dawn does now but not so frequent. I developed a headache yesterday morning and suspect in my case the symptom is exaggerated by concurrently taking ASM because thereby the processing effort to get done what I feel unnaturally stimulated to want to get done is increased. Dawn has also in recent days suffered the pain I recall well from 2004 to the soles of the feet, but yesterday she did not suffer that and the reason I think was that yesterday morning she forgot to take her Risperdal tablet. I believe this symptom must result from combining stimulants with ASM.
I believe these stimulant drugs are in the coffee - certainly the Douwe Egberts instant granules we have in (bought at [I find my memory is unclear]) - and drinking orange squash now I should not therefore ingest further stimulant. I shall watch out whether the stimulant effects seem to die away.
One effect of stimulant drugs is to increase - to stimulate - language output, and this may enhance communication (eg Dawn on the phone to her daughter from the Lemon Tree buffet on Wolverhampton station the day we returned from Liverpool) so long as it doesn’t go too far in increasing confusion from having too much to say. My presumption is that these stimulants are given (the main reason) in order to encourage information output from me via my website and from Dawn and me communicating (eg via the internet) with members of her family (and mine in that we are expecting to pay a visit to my cousin soon). Another symptom I find of stimulant drugs is to increase the tendency to presume one is being listened to or otherwise attended to (and even that one is being watched, or spied on improperly), and this goes hand in hand with the encouragement to ‘communicate’ or certainly to put out information (even via a one-way medium like my website, say). I find it interesting to recall that at the age of ten I developed a tendency to talk to myself (internally, that is not aloud) in the pretence that I might be being watched or somehow listened to; this was a precursor to what I have described as happening towards the end of my period at university, when I began to write (eg in my diary) taking much better cognisance of how understandable what I wrote was to potential readers. Of course when one has no specific class of reader in mind, as was the case then with my diary and has been the case in recent years with my website (even writing for ‘the Authorities’ I did not know what sort of people they might be), one can only make oneself understandable on the most general considerations. ‘The Authorities’ in 2006 didn’t have a clue how to interpret my computer programs, for example.
The degree to which stimulant drugs increase confusion depends (as I have gone into before) on what ‘strength’ they are (amphetamine being a drug affecting more frontal parts of the brain and therefore - depending on the wiring of the individual brain - potentially increasing organising ability as much as the increased activity ‘lower down’ needing extra organising) and on combination (or otherwise) with drugs which block certain brain functioning, notably ASM which in blocking dopamine interferes (to a degree depending on the wiring of the individual brain) with the control links (that is, the organising links) from the frontal brain. Dawn did not suffer additional confusion yesterday (in the absence of her Risperdal) but rather had heightened pleasure in what she achieved (ticking off ‘to-do’s’ related to the home and garden). In fact she said last night that never since she used to help her Dad with his market gardening work ‘down the lane’ (before she was under treatment for schizophrenia) had she felt such a feeling of tired satisfaction. She also repeated that she takes the antischizophrenic medication because the doctor prescribes it and she fears if she doesn’t take it she will end up in hospital: she said she had no need of the medication. Mental doctors are fools who blight people’s lives.
Stimulant drugs also tend to elevate the libido; their effect on appetite seems to depend crucially on combination (or otherwise) with ASM.
I note that given ASM without counteractive stimulants I tend to presume no one much reads my website, that is the opposite of that I am being ‘attended to’ in what I have to say. If I think I am ‘publishing’ only for those who will use the information - and are only interested in the information - to get further ASM into me, I cease to ‘publish’. Sometimes I am explicitly aware of this when I decide, or not, to trouble to update my website; other times I don’t think about it but simply don’t trouble.
I find now the ‘resumable memory’ of the structure in my head representing the Visual field analysis prog at the stage it has reached (and projected beyond that stage) is clear and instantly available, and as I find my interest in it resuming I may turn to that for a while. I still have it in mind though to ‘tidy up’ and add to my website. I feel less urgency to try to ascertain from providers of drugged foods what probability there is that I may continue to suffer from such drugging, but it is something I may continue with nonetheless.
26/08/08 11:50
I have been suffering effects of drugs, seemingly from the orange squash I have been drinking on and off over a number of days - without however taking note in particular when. From what I recall of yesterday’s similar effects, involving bloating from suddenly arising internal wind, the culprit may well be the orange squash. Otherwise it might be marmalade we have had in for a while without trying it until yesterday or the day before. These drugs, some of them, have a surprising effect on me, in that they produce sometimes a marked mental effect (of paranoia the past say two hours: paranoia involving fear once again that the intention is to continue drugging me and continue The Experiment in general for ever and a day, the government employees participating not having any end in mind - in the sense of a goal - but merely going through the motions to earn their pay, for so long as the government will pay them and the government has as much money as it likes, to waste) which even though it is very powerful and completely distorts my view of the world, doesn’t last long (given these low dosages: I presume that’s the explanation). This distorted view (as I am almost convinced, now, that it is) is coming to an end because - or in tandem with - my noticing wider evidence, such as the friendliness of the man next door who I cannot imagine being involved in any cover-up of past misuse of mental patients, and the behaviour of my cousins whom I spoke to on the phone recently, not exactly friendly as I hardly know them, but understandable in their personality and motivation and in one case certainly matter-of-fact, which powerfully suggests not involved in any sort of cabal requiring caginess (unlike some mental health workers whom I have found to be very defensive, but more the Social Workers than the psychiatric staff as such, and mainly - needless to say - in Nottinghamshire). This corresponds with something I said the other day when I was coming out of a period when I was affected by drugs: that instead of being tied up in my own world, of concern that I might be trapped in a permanent Experiment requiring me to be constantly and forever vigilant against surreptitious drugging, as I emerged into freedom (as it felt, because of the opening-up of my mind to awareness of wider issues) I turned from concern for myself to happiness for Dawn’s son in his new computer.
Today this awareness which has grown of wider evidence has been associated with better (I presume better: certainly more varied a selection and I think a better selection from among them) hypotheses to explain factors which earlier had been overshadowing my mood (or if not strictly speaking my mood then certainly my feeling that I was substantially free of being drugged), such as the daft question asked sometime recently subliminally, why I persist with complaining or other endeavours through troubling other people, when it has no effect (thus far). This may genuinely be to the end of persuading me to stop writing people troublesome letters or phoning-in troublesome complaints, but as my complaints are entirely justified and do not usually get resolved I am within my rights (as they say). However the point I make here is that the hypothesis I have come up with to explain such a ridiculous question is that it was posed on behalf of the ‘defence’. In other words their barrister was suggesting that I waste people’s time unnecessarily and even for the sake of wasting it.
I am proposing to send more letters, and in some cases it is because I have returned unsatisfactory foods and not received the refund surely every other returner would be sent. In most cases the amount is trivial (except if we got £50 or so from Select Service Partner we could use it for another rail trip) but the purpose is to discourage supermarkets from selling us drugged food by creating admin work for them, and to find information allowing assessment of the likelihood of such drugging in future. Also if discrepancies arise (such as non-receipt of refund for returned items) this could be used to prove that it is true I have been drugged (so that such a claim I make cannot be used as an excuse to detain me under the Mental Act) and could be used as leverage against culprit supermarkets (ie if they do not issue the proper refund), again not so much to encourage proper refunding as to discourage their involvement in selling drugged foods at all.
Also from time to time (when I am drugged with certain drugs) I fear my problem may be swept under the carpet and I not be protected by the public outcry there should be that a person - myself - has been treated so badly (and entirely erroneously, if the truth be told, in that I have never been mentally ill) by the mental healthcare system in Britain. Thus it is I wish to make sure the information on my website is freely available, and to this end it will do not harm to disseminate it in a printed version as well as by promulgating the website itself.
The fear I live with is based on facts from my past, when I have (to my initial astonishment) been seized and conveyed to a place of imprisonment and injected with horrendous substances. And moreover this was done with (at the time) legal sanction (although I hope a retrospective Judicial Review will show up the erroneous nature of what was done). I regret the fact that my efforts to obtain legal advice have thus far been unnaturally (I’m sure unnaturally) interfered with.
27/08/08 05:17 [Wednesday]
I have woken up with the idea in mind that drugs are affecting me but that it is a mixture of stimulant and ASM which successfully cancels so that there is practically zero nett effect. Thinking back, this notion derives from the fact that I ascertained a very small dosage of drugs was given to me in a cup of tea (or a toastie) I took in the Lemon Tree buffet on Wolverhampton railway station yesterday evening just before 8 pm. I noticed this when on the bus home I became drowsy and the drowsiness was caused by ASM. I knew this because when I drowsed off, in doing so I lost track of where I was, or certainly where the bus was: there was no resumable structure in my head modelling the progress of the bus through the local geography as there would be without ASM, and resumable (in the absence of drugs) even were I to fall asleep. At one stage I woke up (or ‘came-to’) and looking across quite an expanse of what looked like open land saw lights, and had no clue what they represented (night had fallen and it was almost pitch apart from the man-made lights). After a minute or so I realised - helped by noting other aspects of the surroundings as well as the line the bus took (the bends it negotiated) - that we were in Wombourne and the seeming open tract of land had been the cricket pitch at the cricket and tennis club in Wombourne.
Realising then that ASM was affecting me, I recalled that at the bus station in Wolverhampton I had been ‘on song’ and had had some very constructive - as well as interesting and thus giving rise to great pleasure - thoughts on differentiating black from white in my Visual field analysis work, and extending it - this was the essence of what came to mind and helped make it so constructive and provided the certainty of internal consistency convincing me it is a useful notion all this underlying and validating the feeling of pleasure (a species of slowed-down achievement emotion, I should think, much more extended than the ‘flash-in-the-pan’ orgasmic sensation I have had in the past given amphetamine) - to differentiation of colours in perception involving not a greyscale field but a field of colour intensities. At that time at the bus station I felt this - to be able to think so usefully, giving rise to such ‘intellectual’ pleasure, and at the same time cope with physical reality (able to talk to Dawn without distraction from what was in my mind on the abstract topic of Visual field analysis) was natural to me and proved a total absence of drugs in my metabolism. However given what happened on the bus a few minutes later (say twenty minutes) my conclusion now is that the stronger feeling of pleasure than ordinarily I might expect resulted from amphetamine, but the combination with ASM meant that it was not the usual ‘flash-in-the-pan’ amphetamine experience this implying (or resulting from) the ability to check out the internal consistency of the seeming achievement (the intellectual achievement of arriving at such a useful hypothetical way of looking at a question which had been in my mind to be resolved) without distraction from any too-sudden surge of serotonin. If I am to believe (as may well be the case) that to arrive at this useful way of looking at the subject in this version of a hypothesis was not natural to me but resulted from the drugs in me, then I must theorise that the benefit lay in the ASM slightly divorcing me from the external (as certainly it was doing twenty minutes later on the bus - and yet as I say at the bus station I was able to cope with the external without any distraction) while the amphetamine helped the generation of multiple hypotheses for selection from and helped the subjective feeling of pleasure when one was selected which ‘hit the mark’. This strikes me as much the same as benefit I think I have seen to Dawn from certain combinations of ASM and amphetamine. In my case yesterday what I would remark is that the relative influence of the ASM and amphetamine - in very low dosages anyway - changed as the minutes passed, so that on the bus ride home the ASM was preponderating too much and I felt almost lost (in geographic terms) because I was going through a geography not utterly familiar to me. In other words for my internal modelling to be so divorced from the external at that stage was not best helpful (besides which since the amphetamine effect had declined greatly I was drowsing off). When we arrived in Kingswinford and were walking through a geography on the contrary very familiar to me almost all feeling of being lost left me (however a certain feeling of the uncanny did remain, similar to a weak version of what I understand by the term apophanous mood). The effect of the ASM an hour or two after taking it was that, unnaturally early at night, I became very sleepy and we went to bed around 10.30 pm without my finishing the glass of cider I had poured, or, now I reflect, the cup of tea Dawn made me.
27/08/08 07:12
Thinking to explain this notion which had come to me about distinguishing black from white (and associated thoughts on visual fields in colour) I have spent time on improving the facilities in the Visual field analysis prog for debug output, including graphs plotted. The following plot shows the distribution of greyscale values for the entire scan (the one I am using as my example for all I have been doing recently in Visual field analysis):
(Because the values at the white end - the right-hand end - get so big the basic plot - the black histogram - is to a logarithmic scale.) As can be seen, in the middle ground there is a lot of off-white, with greyscale values from around half-way (that is 127) upwards into the pure white region. The basic problem I have been trying to find an optimal solution to is where to put the divide between black and white. The idea that occurred to me last night is this: that the black values, and values close to being black (given that there is often uncertainty and a pixel within a line of black, as part of a printed character, which is not as dark as it might be we still want to consider black), form a mound or what in another context I called a protuberance. The question is, how much of a mound does it have to be to count as something distinct and definite, and where should we put the cut-off demarcating the mound?
If we could take the mound on its own, that is knowing where to separate it off from the vaguely whitish values to the right, we could calculate the variance, related to the ‘height’ versus the ‘width’. But if we are using a plot nothing much like a normal bell-shape - for example if we did not cut off the values to the right - the variance wouldn’t mean much.
What it comes down to is clustering, again: as so often in modelling the way neurons combined in neural structures perceive what is ‘out there’ in nature. The values close to ‘black’ form a cluster, and to the degree the cluster is a definite tight cluster the colour ‘black’ (and other colours if it is a field with different frequencies of light measured to provide colour information) is well-defined. What I need to do therefore is try to apply my clustermeasure to the counts of popularity of greyscale values (and for the case of colour, to the counts of popularity of values returned by ‘neurons’ reacting to certain frequencies of light: as red, green and blue).
28/08/08 06:12 [Thursday]
Ever since, in 1980, I came to the conclusion that I was being surreptitiously drugged, and furthermore that most likely (although I think it took longer for me to come to feel certain of this) I was being ‘hypnotised’ in some way, I have debated with myself the question when the interference started. In the summer of 1980 I was in a very confused state of mind, resulting I thought - after reading in a book that taking large dosages of amphetamine day after day can lead to a syndrome indistinguishable from schizophrenia - from surreptitiously administered amphetamine. I don’t know if I understood the surreptitious administration must be being done through food or drink, although I certainly suspected food and drink and developed fluctuating hypotheses what food it might be best to avoid. However I never tried (for example) giving up coffee entirely; the reason I think was that I quite enjoyed the effects of the amphetamine most of the time and thought I’d let things ride until whoever was doing it stopped doing it: I presumed it was a short-term interference. Sometimes I became frustrated and angry under the influence of the combination of drugs foisted, but a lot of the time I enjoyed lying on my three-seater settee (provided by my best friend’s parents when they bought new furniture - in the summer of 1980, I believe - and whose loss I bitterly regretted when my house was sold in 1981 and there was no room for it at my parents’) listening to the radio (mainly Radio 1, as that was the station seeming most to ‘talk’ to me, that is repeat a few words or phrases seeming to indicate ‘they’ were listening to what I had to say: this I put down to the fact that it was not very serious radio and was presented mostly live by DJs used to making off-the-cuff remarks about nothing in particular).
Yesterday on the train back to Birmingham from High Wycombe I suffered effects of a mild dosage of antidopamine drug. The effects included loss of spatial orientation, so that I was not very sure where I must sit, when we changed seats, to face the direction of travel; and related to that, lack of confidence where we were in the geography of Britain and uncertainty whether we might not be on a train which had turned round and be going back south. This latter fear originated when it was announced we had arrived at Hatton and I confused this in my mind with Haddenham and Thame Parkway, so that I thought the announcement might in fact have said we were at Haddenham. The likelihood I might suffer such confusion arose from the fact that I am not all that familiar with Hatton as some trains we have been on northward from Marylebone (or from High Wycombe) miss stops at Warwick, Hatton and Lapworth. This fear caused me to have to make verifications, by trying to read the signs at the next station (Lapworth) - but without success as the railways now put up many fewer nameboards at stations, relying more on announcements I suppose - and by consulting the timetable (which reassured me). In other words my processing requirement was increased.
Becoming thereby aware that I had suffered drugging, and reflecting that my toilet need at Bicester North must have been caused by stimulants in the mix of drugs (these acting first, as I have found to be the general rule) and that most likely the drugs had derived from cups of coffee provided by Dawn’s son-in-law (or certainly the father of her grand-children, and the one who I believed in 2005 had drugged us leading us to a late-night visit to High Wycombe A + E and in August 2005 to overnight detention at Amersham), I guessed the reason (given the much lower dosages nowadays, and the almost certain presence in our vicinity, as we travel about, of ‘agents of the Authorities’ that is agents observateurs - even if sometimes I am wrong in my guesses, or cannot guess, exactly which fellow travellers are agents) might be to try to determine (in continuance of efforts over the past months) why I object to being drugged and what effects cause me difficulty. I was pessimistic at that time though, yesterday evening, because I felt that to gain knowledge of the effects which were then interfering with my computer programming work (which had been going very successfully) I would need to be given an academic examination, once with the drugs and then, as a control, without the drugs: in other words I believed the effects I was suffering would still go unappreciated by any ‘overseers’ because the observers would not notice them. Grosser effects such as being made sleepy unnaturally early at night might be accepted, but said (by ‘the defence’) to be little problematic.
This notion of needing my intellectual capabilities to be measured if the true impact of these drugs was to be assessed - because the interference with my intellect is what is most significant to me, and had I not been drugged from the time I was a student I might have developed a successful career in academia - took my mind back to my Cambridge days and to my belief (which initially - decades ago - I was very reluctant to accept, in trying to work out what had been going on, since it sounded so like an excuse for poor academic performance) that drugging was what led to my poor examination results in my first year. And now in waking up I find I am asking myself: if a dosing of drugs yesterday caused me such easily noticed problems (involving disorientation in geographic space, as well as undue sleepiness), how did I manage as a student at Cambridge, if I was being drugged, not to notice such effects, and how remain awake at all - or certainly remain fully awake - in the daytime?
Early on in my Cambridge career - certainly in the first or second term - I went out for a walk and it was dark. I presume I went out when it was light and darkness then fell (it would be wintertime at the end of 1974 or the beginning of 1975). I got lost walking streets unfamiliar to me. This was most unexpected to me (otherwise I should not have risked going for the walk): usually I had a good sense of direction and could find my way even in an unfamiliar road network. Almost certainly what this memory shows is a time at the beginning of my period being drugged, when I had not become accustomed to my debilitation when drugged, and expected to be as able as I had been. Possibly also the drugs were foisted at such a time that their effect grew during my walk, so that when I set out my sense of direction was as competent as it had been but ceased to be competently available during the course of the walk. If even then stimulants were being given with the reserpine (and this would explain the maintenance of my level of wakefulness) then what I understand now tells me that most likely to try to counter the depressed mood I was beginning to suffer from I decided, at a time I was energised by the stimulant, to go out for this walk, but the stimulant wore off - or substantially wore off - in the course of it.
Reading the letter from my Dad dated 09-Feb-75 (presented in my website diary entry at 20/05/08 11:40) my certain conclusion is that it was so, and the stimulant - amphetamine or similar - was what was encouraging me to drink so much coffee, especially since as the initial effect of the coffee (that is, the unnatural mixture of drugs in the coffee) wore off I became depressed under the effect of the reserpine in it and needed more of the stimulant. On this basis I would guess that the Experiment started out to try to cure negative-symptom schizophrenia which might conceivably turn into positive-symptom schizophrenia, by giving this mixture of stimulant and ASM since at that time antischizophrenic drugs with a component in themselves having a stimulant effect (such as risperidone is) were not in existence and a major problem with antidopamine drugs was the reduction in activity level they caused. My view however is that to attempt to give such a mixture of drugs in such a way, surreptitiously, represented criminal negligence as plainly the dosages and the relative contribution from each sub-component (stimulant versus antipsychotic) could not be adequately controlled (and, as I have said, the monitoring of effects of such powerful drugs was never done with any sensible degree of attention).
I think I must try to present the facts in summary to my cousin who is a solicitor (and a Civil Servant), and who may or may not know the truth of what has been done in the Experiment.
28/08/08 08:20
I am starting on half a cup of filter coffee made using water drawn from our tapwater supply a few days since, and used last night before we went to bed. (Half a cup in case there are drugs in the coffee or the water and I suffer effects of confusion as a result; however as I woke up this morning without any noticeable effects of drugs I conclude most likely there are no drugs, or certainly no drugs having significant effects over hours, in the water, and the filter coffee I am using was almost certainly undrugged last time it was used, a week ago or more.)
28/08/08 08:31
The coffee - and almost certainly it is the water - does contain drugs, causing me (after taking less than 100 ml) bloating from wind in the belly, and evacuation of the bowels. My conclusion is that it is a stimulant drug, not so noticeable last night because there were antischizophrenic drugs in me (presumably given in the coffee at Dawn’s grandsons’ home, on the responsibility of their Dad). I recall an occasion at the park home when Dawn’s brother-in-law who had come to do some plumbing work for us was caused unnatural diuresis by coffee we gave him, and that was almost certainly from stimulant drugs in the water supply there. My main fear in such a case is always whether ASM effects will come on later, but since we are wasting our tapwater supply into the lawn I conclude there will be no antischizophrenic drugs in it as too expensive (and most likely our tapwater is entirely undrugged most of the time).
I conclude further - for one thing from the pronounced nature of the effects from such a small quantity of tapwater this morning, which I do not think arises merely from the absence of counteracting ASM or if it does then the absence of ASM must arise not merely from my evasion techniques (but rather, from a reduction in the quantities attempted to be foisted) - that the idea may well be, in the main, to obtain from me an explanation what I suffer from the drugging and an effort from me to get it stopped. Moreover, since the police took no action on my recent allegation that someone had entered our home and drugged water we had stored, I may have been wrong to think that (also since an Englishman’s home is his castle) and the adverse effects of diarrhoea and tummy upset may in fact have resulted not at all from river-water but entirely from tapwater Dawn was using and I myself risked occasionally. The drugs in this tapwater I have used this morning may have caused those effects then, but at that time possibly the dosages required had not adequately been assayed.
The question is, should I bother to phone South Staffs Water, this a cost to us of a phonecall?
29/08/08 03:56 [Friday]
We went to see my cousin (the solicitor and Civil Servant) yesterday, by train from Wolverhampton: he is now quite accessible to us living in Cheltenham. I am just now working out in my mind the sequence of events leading us to go to see him, as I am sure we were ‘led’ or certainly encouraged in his direction through some suggestion involving hypnotising voicing. This is an interesting question in that it should allow me - and readers - to understand quite well how what I do is altered - perverted from what in the absence of The Experiment I would be doing - not necessarily through many specific ‘directives’ voiced hypnotically, but from hypnotic voicing mixed together with a version of communication (between me and ‘the Authorities’) depending heavily on the model in my head of what it is they are ‘after’, in other words what they have as their desire, intention and aim for me; and the degree to which I think this plan they have for me to follow is in my interest or otherwise. Many of these parameters alter according to the drugs altering my mind at the time I am doing the assessment or modelling in thought-experiment. Sometimes when I am made more paranoid by drugs - and in the past they have not understood or believed that drugs create this paranoia in me (especially since it is drugs supposed to counter schizophrenia and counter paranoia which create the paranoia) - I have entirely rejected their plan for me and may in fact have rebelliously engaged in a version of negativism (that is, done the opposite of what their plan for me was). An example of this last occurred when the Medion laptop computer sold to me by Woolworths just before Christmas 2006 went into the River Idle: they had led me to purchase the Medion (or strictly speaking led to Dawn purchasing it on my say-so) for whatever reason - at the time it went into the river I believed the reason was that it was designed to collect information for them to allow them better to continue meddling in my life - but had caused us to wait a number of weeks before taking delivery, with the idea (I presume) that I should decide if it genuinely was acceptable to us, this computer. I have explained previously in my website diary that it was of little interest to me at the time whether it was acceptable or not: I didn’t really want or need a new computer then (although it’s true the Packard Bell EasyNote I had been using in tandem with the Vaio I also had, was giving problems originating I thought from connecting it to the internet around the end of October 2006 and my belief was that these problems had deliberately been caused in order to get me to buy a computer more in line with the Authorities’ requirements as I had bought the EasyNote out of the blue in June 2006 for a similar reason, that is that I was having problems with the Vaio caused deliberately by the Authorities around the same time as they caused the Dell handheld device I had been using to fail, towards the start of 2006 soon after I was allowed out of hospital). These paranoid-sounding beliefs - or hypotheses - to the effect that the Authorities had caused various computer devices I owned to fail may not be accurate, or may be only partially accurate. Similarly my belief, which becomes more prominent from time to time, that the Authorities want to still me with antidopamine drugs, basically to hide the wrongs done to me in the past, is actually too simple a summary way of regarding the facts. ‘The Authorities’ is a body with a lot of foot-soldiers, and almost all of the foot-soldiers will believe - will have been led to believe - that they are doing something ethical and not something unethical. To digress slightly: this is the case also with family of schizophrenic patients putting drugs in foods so that the patients take the drugs without intending to take them and without genuinely acceding to them. The patients, with the drugs in them - and this is the effect these drugs have on me - then cease to kick up a fuss, do not complain about being medicated (if there are no unpleasant ‘side-effects’) and toe the line better (or better from the point of view of professional carers and often from the point of view of the family doing the dirty work of the drugging ordered by the professionals, who prefer the patient not to be too obstreperous or may simply not want to be associated with someone behaving in an embarrassing way but may not be willing to discharge the patient to sink or swim by his own efforts, even if he is an adult). This must have been the case with my parents: they must have been led to believe that I was better, in some sense, on the medication they were going along with (and at times foisting on me certainly by fetching anti-side-effect tablets which were not from the ordinary source, since they contained heroin which they should not naturally have contained, and possibly in some months of the decades I was living with them foisting literally in foods), and like the policeman who arrested me in Worksop last December setting aside their own natural interpretation of what they saw, in favour of what the professionals were telling them. The professionals - psychiatrists as a body in Britain - I now know are fools and what they genuinely believe is often a fantasy, but in my case at a certain point - September 1987 for sure - the directions the professionals (Armond and his Mental Health Act Commission peers at that time) gave was motivated by a criminal desire in their minds to cover-up the wrongs of the preceding ten years or so. To prove this, as I have hinted recently, would require a properly constituted legal inquiry comprised of legal-trained minds delving into the truth of the affair.
I mention in passing that were I not now free of mind-altering drugs I should not myself have been able to think in these terms, involving modelling what was in Armond’s mind and the minds of his Mental Health Act Commission associates in the 1980s in close detail and detail involving whether they had the mens rea or not (and whoever John Spence is - supposedly working for Silks Solicitors in January 2008 - I am grateful for his brief explanation to me of mens rea since it does enable me to explain matters to my readers and others, and myself think about matters, in a succinct way).
So as I say, the foot-soldiers of the Authorities will have been led to believe that what they were doing - even for example in trying to stifle the free communication of my complaints via the internet and at one stage even by trying to deprive me of computer printer facilities (in that cartridges for my new Lexmarks were not readily available) - was not unethical. They may have been led to believe that what was done was for my own good, even if they were given the aim of getting me into a mental ward under drug treatment: after all most of the staff on such wards are not the equivalent of concentration-camp guards and many of them will have a genuine desire to help patients and a genuine interest in their patients or in mental illness (or mental health) as a subject. And if they did not exactly believe they were helping me by getting me under treatment they may have believed they were doing good for the mentally ill overall (through ‘investigating’ schizophrenia) and that I was not being made to suffer unduly. I must say my presumption most of the time has been that the intent at the heart of what has been done to me has not been immoral or criminal, but rather that the idea was to help the mentally ill in general (through an Experiment investigating schizophrenia) and those in charge of this Experiment did not understand the degree to which I as an individual was suffering hurt. This was what was explained to me - in brief words - by the woman I met in Bristol central library and the man I met on a train in the Bristol area in the summer (it must have been early summer) of 2004: that I was requested to ‘help out’ in a scheme to ‘investigate’ schizophrenia. This notion I believe was based on my own best guess what had been happening in the 1980s, although I wasn’t clear how the wasted decades in-between (from the mid-1980s up to 2004) could be made to fit in with my hypothesis, and this was something puzzling me greatly around the start of 2004 when my mind was almost clear of drugs (the arrangements for my six-weekly injections at my Retford GP surgery having broken down).
At that time in Retford I had a friend in Zoë and I have no doubt that I lost her goodwill when she was advised - told an untruth in fact - that I was dangerous in my supposed schizophrenia and she wasn’t safe with me. She was also later in 2004 bribed by being encouraged to accept many items which in distress at the time (after I had been assaulted by Caroline) I said I did not want, from a static-caravan holiday home bought with my money when I was on friendly terms with Caroline, that is bought with the idea in mind that Caroline and I could take holidays or certainly breaks there. Much the same was tried with Dawn when she was detained at Bassetlaw in December 2007: she was told that I was a danger to her. However, since Dawn and I are entirely on the same wavelength it didn’t wash with Dawn.
The first time I went to Bassetlaw Hospital (and met Eid in fact, who declined that day to section me) was around the beginning of 2004. I was sent in the morning by Dr Weenink, my GP in Retford at the time, to see a psychiatrist (although I can’t remember what reason Weenink thought he had to send me). I drove there in the vehicle I had at that time, a motor caravan, and found - given especially the size of the vehicle - that there was no parking space. I didn’t try overly hard to find one - I suppose I could have parked a distance away and walked from there - because I didn’t really want to get involved again with psychiatrists knowing the hurt I had been caused by being detained and compulsorily medicated in the preceding decades; I drove home to Retford. (Given what I remember of my confidence - or lack of it - driving the motor caravan on that day, I think antidopamine drugs must have been got into me, surreptitiously by mouth, either that day specifically or intermittently around that time as occasion allowed.) The afternoon of that same day I was sent without possibility of demur (although I was not physically seized and not legally compelled with a Section) by another GP at the Bridgegate practice in Retford - a woman - back to Bassetlaw Hospital, in an ambulance. That I think (as I say) was the first time I met Eid. What the woman GP at the Bridgegate Surgery had been told to lead her to require me in such strong terms to see a psychiatrist - in fact to go ten miles from home without my own transport to see a psychiatrist - I find difficult to guess. On another occasion - either before or after the day I am dwelling on - I went to see a Dr Chapman, a male doctor at the Bridgegate Surgery, and one of the things I asked him was whether I might be tested for amphetamine. I think what it was was I knew I was being given, surreptitiously, stimulant drugs which - on the basis of what had happened in the early 1980s - I thought were amphetamines or something closely related. His reply was that there was no blood test for amphetamine. This puzzled me greatly: surely it must be possible to test the blood for amphetamine? In fact it is possible to test the blood for amphetamine and his statement was either mistaken or was a deliberate lie: I was caused puzzlement for a long time (that is my processing requirement was raised) and I felt if I could prove that he had told a falsehood I might get somewhere with proving that I was being treated improperly - including detained illegally, in truth, certainly (at that time in 2004) in my past - by medical people. Some story had been told to these GPs at the Bridgegate Surgery to persuade them to deceive me or to use strong measures (in calling an ambulance) to get me under psychiatric treatment in a way more willing to set aside my ordinary freedoms and less willing to listen to my side of the story than is usually the case for mental patients. (And similarly Armond, in keeping me on a section year after year in the 1980s, but not actually in hospital, was twisting the law - breaking the law, according to what was found elsewhere by a Court - in order to keep me more insistently under treatment than is usual for mental patients.)
29/08/08 05:56
The things coming to my mind (since I started three paragraphs up on the subject of what happened in 2004 and was reminded how I came to lose Zoë’s friendship) are things which have been perpetrated, in trying to get me back under psychiatric treatment since I ‘ran away’ from Barbara and Kingswinford in September 2003, which have been immoral, that is certainly improper and in some cases (depending on what a Court or Inquiry might find was in the minds of those giving overall directions to the ‘foot-soldiers’) criminal. As I say, to mislead Zoë into fearing for her personal safety when she was with me, and to tempt her with persuasion that it was right to accept the gift of contents from the static caravan, was immoral. Because the fear she was led to, for her personal safety when she was with me, was founded on the untrue allegation that I was and had been mentally ill, it was even more immoral. And the purpose was to deprive me of what I might call independent friends. Barbara was a friend but she was under instruction (or almost: I don’t obviously know the ins and outs of it) from ‘the Authorities’ and would in the natural way of things take their word against mine. Zoë when I first met her was not in the same relationship (of almost employee) to ‘the Authorities’, and to get her to relinquish her growing trust and friendship with me they had to deceive her to the effect that I was a danger. The degree to which those deceiving her also deceived themselves (in what I am right to call a double-think attitude) I do not know. The only evidence I had ever given of being aggressive resulted from ingestion of amphetamine-like drugs (and the same is true of Dawn). In withdrawal from antischizophrenic drugs I do become sarcastic and bitter, but these feelings do not get expressed in any physical outbursts unless I am given powerful stimulant drugs (and the same is true of Dawn). However, it is not impossible that those in charge of the foot-soldiers in 2004 did not know the full truth of what had happened in the 1980s. They themselves may have been deceived, say by untruthful records left by Armond and his associates from the earlier period. In fact I now believe it likely that it is denied - or would be if the charge were put - and certainly it is not on record, that what led me to my first compulsory hospitalisation in November 1980 was being given amphetamine day after day, surreptitiously in food or drink. It may be denied - or the question may not have been put, and there may be no records (since reserpine is not a controlled drug) - that I was given reserpine surreptitiously in food or drink (and later in the supposed anti-side-effect tablets) to supplement the depot injections I was being made to have in the mid 1980s, and later on heroin also (in the supposed anti-side-effect tablets), to counter the depression caused by the reserpine which led to my suicide attempt of 1985. Having stated it thus, heroin is a controlled drug and I ponder where the heroin came from to be put in the supposed anti-side-effect tablets. I never worked out whether these tablets, said to be Kemadrin (procyclidine), contained antischizophrenic drugs as well as what at that time I understood was a ‘euphoriant’ but have only since worked out was heroin. Thinking about the practicalities: unless the tablets were specially made up, which I guess would be too much effort and cost for ‘the Authorities’ at that time, the supposed Kemadrin tablets must actually have been tablets of diamorphine (heroin) produced for medical use and misappropriated - or improperly prescribed for themselves or for some named person - by ‘the Authorities’. I can’t imagine they were tablets of illegal street-drug manufacture. The reserpine must have been given as a constant - as it had been when I was a student at Cambridge - in coffee, and this explains the continuing need for the room where the coffee was made at the day-centre at Barnsley Hall to be kept locked (that is, since I had been over-doing my coffee drinking in the total absence of anything else to do worth anything, at that day-centre).
I have worked out, from my diaries, that I was being given reserpine (afresh: that is, I had been given it while at university) from June 1984 when the Mental Health Act Commission doctor gave his second opinion, confirming Armond’s diagnosis of me as schizophrenic.
29/08/08 06:43
It has struck me as not impossible that the reason I tore pages out of my Diary Volume 6 might have been inappropriate hypnotising suggestion in some way leading me. I do not know what checks and balances have been in place when voicers have spoken to me in that way: in other words the intention of that particular voicing (if it did in fact lead me) might have been to persuade me to destroy evidence against the culprits from the 1980s. Even though I tore out pages I have retained them, and will now scan them and possibly put them on the internet (however there may be in them - certainly somewhere in my 1981 diary there is - strong invective I wrote, using very strong language, directed mainly against my mother who annoyed me greatly from the time I was a teenager, the drugs in 1981 - or withdrawal from antischizophrenic drugs, possibly - leading me to feel strongly in the bitter way usually associated in my case with these drugs, or more usually with withdrawal from them).
I am scanning the contents of this envelope:
29/08/08 07:56
Towards the end of March, before the presumed assessment began in earnest in April (that is the assessment to what degree if any I have suffered from being drugged with the drugs I have been given), I wrote as follows:
21/03/08 08:54
I detect here hypnotising enquiries whether I trust other people.
I could seek to trust somebody other than State functionaries, say a bank with a vault. This however would cost me, and to the extent that it did not cost me (by which I suppose I mean the extent to which the arrangement was not a contract in law) I would not trust them. The State could quite easily obtain information from a bank (even if there were a contractual client relationship, in fact). I would then need to estimate the significance (versus the cost) to the State of finding information about me. In the circumstances to estimate this is difficult.
I have no family I can trust other than Dawn. My parents proved untrustworthy, and my cousin the solicitor also has not been a satisfactory assistance to me (because he has not striven to get the drugging I have suffered stopped, and in fact has taken the ordinary view that expert psychiatrists drug people in a proper and acceptable manner). Dawn unfortunately is not sufficiently immune from psychiatric drugging, improper persuasion from various sources, and she has inadequate expertise in caching information.
Of course I am answering the hypnotisers’ queries without in the first instance deciding whether there is any information (or anything at all) I need to preserve for the future. The thing is, whatever happens one makes the best of it. I would only need to stress over the question whether I could find anybody trustworthy enough to hold something of mine safe, if it were a matter of life and death whether the thing was preserved. I take the view that nothing much matters much, I think on the basis that I have always coped with anything without too much unpleasure (indeed - but this may be by comparison with the past three decades - I find that in my natural condition I enjoy life greatly). The exception of course (and taking up so much of my life that statistics for the rest, of whether or not I have come across anything uncopable, are not as full as they might be) has been treatment at the hands of British psychiatrists.
21/03/08 09:12
I find a slight fear creeping in whether this assessment (or presumed assessment, I should say) might not be for the purpose of determining if I am lunatic and should be detained and medicated. On the whole I suspect any question of my lunacy comes down to psychiatrists looking for an excuse they might not have been mistaken in treating me.
As I have tried to explain, antidopamine drugs make me more not less paranoid, both by their direct action on the synapses (this anomalous response I have to these drugs being based on the statistically rare wiring of my brain) and by the fact that I am reminded when given such drugs - even if I work out for myself that I am being given them and am not told officially that I am - of all I have suffered in this relation in the past (including compulsory detentions in hospital). Whether at the time I wrote the above in March I still had antidopamine drugs in my metabolism, all the time or much of the time, or whether it was because I had only recently escaped them, I do not know, but there was some reason related to being drugged why I said (almost) that my cousin was not sufficiently trustworthy. The point is - as I said in March - he has in the past gone along with the drug treatment I was meted, as indeed did my parents. The horrific effect on me of that drug treatment it is difficult for other people to understand, because an effect of the drugs is to still the one drugged (and I believe I am particularly sensitive to these drugs) and to reduce his communicative abilities and his willingness (however strange the idea is that Will can be altered) to communicate.
(I just mention that it is in fact fairly plain that the Will can be altered by drugs, because in cases of addiction where before there was no Will or precious little Will to take the addictive drug - or anyway to take it constantly with the financial cost, for one thing, that implies - when the drugs get into the metabolism the Will changes so that it is a goal - an overwhelmingly powerful goal sometimes - to get more of the addictive drug. And this is a different effect from merely finding something attractive and desirable: even something as strongly felt as sexual pleasure. The drugs I am speaking of alter the mind: they do not merely provide sensory data - which as I say may sometimes be very strong sensory data - for the mind to take account of in reaching the decision what to do, weighing one thing against another overall. This is the sense in which addictive drugs can take over someone’s life; and it is the sense in which aversive drugs - antischizophrenic drugs - have taken over my life as the factor most significant and making any other factor almost irrelevant. If it were just ‘side-effects’ I found difficult, the side-effects would be merely sensory data to be taken account of and - hopefully, if the primary effect of the drug was a wanted effect - overcome.)
What I am saying is that now free of mind-altering drugs my regard for my cousin has changed. For one thing, having met him for the first time in some years yesterday it appears to me he does not have the urgently held view that antischizophrenic medication must do good. If he were responsible (at some future point, or in some hypothetical scenario) for deciding whether I should be compulsorily medicated, the way he would take the decision would be different from the way my parents did. Firstly he would have a less feeling of responsibility, that it would be (almost) the end of the world should he take the wrong decision. My parents, even though I was an adult in 1980, must have felt very responsible for what happened to me, especially as the way I was already being drugged (and I was only in my young adulthood) they could easily be misled by professional advisers that I could not look after myself responsibly. This placed an onus on them inviting them with unfair stress to take the right decision regarding the treatment I was to be given (by compulsion or by trickery) so that they trusted expert opinion instead of their own gumption (despite my mother’s high regard for gumption: and I must say it was my mother who was more critical of psychiatrists’ treatment of me and whom Armond found more ‘difficult’: which was the word he himself used for my mother).
Secondly, my cousin is cleverer than my parents and has more knowledge of the law (being a solicitor) and of government structures and the structures of British society. He is less likely to take what psychiatrists say - either psychiatrists who have done wrong by me in the past or even psychiatrists supposed to be independent experts - at face value without any independent assessment. And certainly yesterday he proved very willing to listen to my side of the story.
To put it briefly, my distrust of people (my practical distrust, as against my knowledge that underlyingly all human beings have Original Sin and might impose things on other people if misled to think in a certain way: say to think badly of the enemy in war-time) rests solely on the degree to which (by my assessment) they might go along with or even condone or practically assist in treatment for me with antischizophrenic drugs. In the past, as I said, my cousin has gone along with such treatment, but it is my hope that he is now better advised and he has certainly proved willing to listen to my ‘advice’ on the question.
On the other hand he did give me drugged coffee, but any antischizophrenic component in it was close to zero if not zero. Still, it is a puzzle why he gave me drugged coffee. I suspect the reason might have been that the stimulant drugs would help me speak out my evidence to him more forcefully and clearly. Or, perhaps if it was feared I might have some ASM in me from some drink (or food) retained from a while before, it was felt the stimulants could counter that.
29/08/08 22:28
I think I might as well note down what I am doing this evening. I am sorting out papers from my past, mainly in fact old diaries and ‘insertions’ which I have removed and bundled separately in some cases (although still corresponding separately to each diary volume). I find that I have done work - or what some might call work - in the past without its leaving much memory behind, and this I blame on drugs and/or hypnosis confusing the usual categorisation I maintain in my mind of what I am doing and what the ultimate point of each sub-part (of my entire life, to tell truth) is. The danger of losing track of these categorisations is that I might duplicate work already done (that is, effort put in) or not be able to find work I know I have done and be faced with the choice of putting in more effort in continuing to look for it or doing it again. This latter choice applies to scans I know I have made, but cannot find, of ‘insertions’ from Diary Volume 4 (and not only have I made scans but I have put in further effort in editing and otherwise preparing the images ready for my website).
What I was actually doing when I came across the envelope of ‘insertions’ from Volume 4 was look out my Diary Volume II covering 1977, with the idea of listing the diary entries so that I can tick off the ones I have typed up and in future the ones I type up.
30/08/08 07:50 [Saturday]
I conclude that yesterday I was slightly affected by ASM, more likely from Evian I had retained from a while back than from tapwater recently drawn from our taps. My mood was slightly lower, compared to this morning; and to wake up feeling so optimistic, given my recent notion that a fair proportion of humankind including myself must have a natural tendency to ‘morning depression’ this related to less mental activity during sleep and immediately following sleep, is a surprise inviting the conclusion that yesterday I was affected by something mildly depressing the spirits - and thinking back I can tell the reason was ASM, because of confusion I suffered, albeit very mild, in trying to prepare a table in HTML from scratch (ie in Notepad). I did not get things in the right order, making many more errors involving nesting (eg putting <td><p> .. </td></p> instead of <td><p> .. </p></td>) than I would expect in my natural mode, and moreover suffering surprise to a degree which confused me, to find such errors. I think the last is an important point exposing the difficulty ASM causes me from my very introspective nature which a person less introspective would not be caused (and of course what I feel sure of is that this introspective nature is part and parcel of the ‘brain wiring’ which saves me from schizophrenia even though the dopamine responsivity in my lower and middle brain are such that otherwise I might well exhibit schizophrenic symptoms: that is, the numerous linkages to my frontal brain, implicated in introspection - and in ‘giving oneself orders’ in a scheme wherein self-organisation is maintained perfectly - are what save me from schizophrenia). Through introspection I assess accurately what I can expect myself to do, and indeed the ‘error rate’ I am likely to show. (This is one reason, again, why I am not genuinely given to pride or, really, to believing there is any merit in ‘cleverness’ or in anything: when I was mentioning John McEnroe’s prowess at tennis, I explained that he had success because of physical components in him, that is - significantly - numerous synapses in the relevant parts of the CNS eg serving the retina. This being so, his capabilities at tennis are simply a fact of life, and nothing really to congratulate him on. Congratulation in that meaning is to be used to encourage that which the congratulator wishes to encourage, and mainly it is with children, to encourage them to do things I - or whoever is acting in the role of teacher - thinks to want to encourage to occur statistically more. On the other side punishment is used - mainly for children - to try to reduce the incidence of unwanted behaviours such as what loosely can be categorised as criminal behaviours.)
So, when I am given mind-altering drugs, and notoriously ASM, my pre-estimate of my ‘error rate’ or generally the likelihood I will succeed with aims goes adrift. This is a major problem, in that it interferes with the planning and scheduling of my life which are so important to me as in themselves helping to keep down the processing requirement so as to reduce my liability to schizophrenia. It’s something like in manic depression, or depression tout court: in manic phases the sufferer over-estimates the likelihood of success and may waste a lot of money (for one thing) investing in something - some scheme of self-employment, say - which will not succeed but which he is mistakenly convinced will succeed. In depressive phases or conditions little activity is engaged in because the likelihood of any success is mistakenly understated to oneself. Specifically in my own case: yesterday I felt I need not bother to update my website with recent diary entries, since there seemed as much likelihood that doing so would prove counterproductive as that I might have any sort of success. This morning on the contrary I have expectation giving recent information will assist the cessation of drugging from which I suffer, by exposing further details of the ways mind-altering drugs cause me to suffer, or certainly do me no favours.
Once again I point out that the reduction in activity level created by antidopamine drugs does not follow from impediments put in the way - say tremor which makes handwriting difficult (although in the 1980s I did find just that a major problem) - but more from reduction in ‘will-power’ (to speak loosely) in that one feels, on these drugs, that one will not achieve anything worthwhile and therefore one does not ‘will’ to do anything. One remains forever considering possibilities, hoping to come up with some activity which one can be sure will not be counterproductive.
Speaking more to the nitty-gritty: there are two components to the estimation of success which encourages things to be attempted in the real world. One is serotonin, which if it is at a low base level will mean that statistically one expects rather to fail than succeed and likely one will be less active (and to an excessive degree underactive in depression, and the inactivity self-feeding). The other component is dopamine, an effective level of turnover in which (bearing in mind the ‘U’-curve which implies that too much of it is as bad as too little) shows one how to achieve success through laying out plans - like the plan one develops in a chess game, for replying in a series of moves to envisaged counter-moves from ‘the environment’ or ‘the opposition’) - which one knows, especially if one has had experience of laying out these plans in the past and implementing them with a successful outcome, will most likely or even with virtually 100% certainty have success. Modern antidopamine drugs are designed not to reduce serotonin, yet they do in their nature reduce dopamine turnover. If given inappropriately to someone whose dopamine is by nature at the right point on the ‘U’-curve they will make matters worse not better for him.
30/08/08 10:29
Last night, in continuance of what I had been doing earlier (continued in the absence of much possibility of any newly creative direction, given ASM albeit a very mild dosing) I was sorting out my diary from 1977. I draw the following part of the updated version now on my website to readers’ attention:
[Sol] in 23° [Aries]. [Wednesday] 17h58. [ie Wednesday 13 April 1977] [In this diary entry I indicated I was depressed.]
[Sol] in 27° [Aries]. [Sunday] 19h19. [ie Sunday 17 April 1977] [In this diary entry I indicated I was anxious. The preceding evening, Saturday 16 April 1977, my former junior school teacher had paid me a visit, and my parents were away at their caravan in Wales. It seems very possible that while they were away, either with or without their knowledge and consent, over several days I was drugged surreptitiously with reserpine, and the old teacher was asked to give an assessment of me. This drugging was, I must presume, supposed to be an assistance to me at a stressful time. Anyway, because of a number of separate job interviews I decided to delay my return to Cambridge till later in the week, when in the ordinary course I should have returned after the vacation around Monday 18 April 1977.]
30/08/08 10:52
On reflection therefore it seems plain that what I suffered yesterday was not caused by drugs in the Evian but by reserpine put, as a cheap drug, in our tapwater to cover a recent occasion I collected some. This has been a cost to me in Evian chucked in the belief it was drugged (as well as a cost in terms of depressed mood and the effects of the dopamine-blocking).
30/08/08 20:17
I’ve just noticed that the clock which is supposed to indicate the mains power going off has stopped at 10 minutes to 11. The security lights have developed a tendency to remain on for a long time, this not obtaining for two or three weeks past. In bed last night Dawn was in a very heavy (and prolonged) sleep, possibly indicating the presence in her metabolism of something along the lines of opium. I was not (I believe) excessively heavy in my overnight sleep last night but I have been sleepy on and off today. I have also suffered confusion (which at one stage I was intending to expose in greater detail) as regards keeping track of items in physical space and in laying down ‘intentions’ or ‘to-do’s’ as part of planning for later (that is later but still in the short term). Over the past hour (say) I have been giving unnatural weight to ‘tidying up’ in our physical surroundings (in the rooms of the bungalow) and my initial inclination was to regard this as a rebound effect after the earlier (I thought) opium effects (of stilling me by depriving me of the ability to lay down ‘to-do’s’). I’m not so sure now on the basis that my eyes have developed unnatural tiredness verging on soreness; it might be that a stimulant drug given with the presumed opium to counter the tendency to fall asleep has worn off. The obvious guess would be that the idea was to drug me (and us) in order to hypnotise us in some way for our visit tomorrow to my cousin; but even if this was the general scheme of things whenever we were to pay a visit to family I believe most likely no hypnosis will be attempted, for one thing because I would detect it with my electronic devices. So to summarise I believe the drugging has been done (although quite possibly more mildly than would have been the case) as it would have been done according to the former scheme of things, but following-through with actual hypnotising voicing will not now be bothered with.
I mention that I have a meter to measure our mains supply voltage (since I believed the frequent failure of electrical equipment in the kitchen might be caused by alteration in the mains supply) and currently it reads 242V. It varies between about 252V and 238V, presumably depending on the demand in the local electricity sub-station area (unless our supply is indeed unnaturally subject to interference).
30/08/08 20:40
I have re-set the clock which stops to indicate failure of the mains.
30/08/08 20:53
Because I felt I must be awake this morning at 10:50 since it was daytime, my best guess was that if the mains had stopped (the alternative is that the clock to time such a stoppage might be faulty) it had stopped at 22:50 last night. However, examining another security log I have going I find nothing significant happened last night at 22:50 but there was movement in or near our utility room at 10:50 this morning.
We left the house at 12:40 this morning and two minutes before that time was the last movement in the utility room until 5 pm. I recall we arrived home about 16:55 having walked up from the main road where we alighted from the 256 bus from Stourbridge. That bus departed Stourbridge at 16:30.
30/08/08 21:07
All this ties together so neatly that, given Dawn’s present loss of inhibition (something she has given evidence of in recent days, and also this morning was confused what day it was: and I now am confused in that I can barely believe it was today we shopped at Sainsbury’s Birmingham city centre to buy bread and milk amongst other items) without further ado I am able to conclude with at least 90% certainty that someone entered the utility room at 10:50 this morning and put drugs in the milk. The mains supply powering the security lights and cameras covering the rear garden was severed (for an interlude of ten minutes) so that the approach could be made undetected. I presume I must have drifted off into something like sleep between my diary entries of 10:29 and 10:52 this morning, and because I am going along with sitting in our bay window to use the Vaio computer I could be observed falling into this sleep from beyond our rear fence, at the bottom of the garden.
Because I am able to use the evidence from my security devices to give such detail, with a convincing degree of confidence, and am able to assess and use this detailed information, I am in a very strong position compared to when my processing capacity was reduced by ASM and also my activity level (the latter meaning I never got round to installing any physical security devices: except briefly the detector for the front door at the house we lived in in Worksop). This success in processing detail leads me to be willing - or desirous - to obtain further detailed information, in a virtuous circle. For example I know firstly that my security arrangements are pretty sound, even though the cameras have not recorded anything which could actually point out perpetrators trespassing. Secondly, I know that it would be very worthwhile to build into the fridge a detector for its door opening. And that only items in the fridge - and likely only the milk - have been tampered with.
30/08/08 22:03
If there was any voicing this morning it should have been picked up by Olympus devices except those where the power was severed. There may have been voicing, to encourage me to publish on my website complaints regarding what I was losing by what is being done - my diary entry of 10:52 is couched in those terms, but relating to drugging with reserpine suffered yesterday from tapwater recently collected - and to encourage me (now, but this may not get as far as my website) to give details of security arrangements.
Olympus DEVICE 6 next to me is showing Recording 22 being made of length so far (of non-silence) 4hr 51min. Possibly if the power to it is severed it merely resumes when power is restored, in the state it had been in.
31/08/08 05:15 [Sunday]
I am spending a little time ‘analysing’ the contents of audio file DW_A0035 (taken from DEVICE 6 in the bay window and starting 8.34 am some morning recently, but I’m not sure which morning since I didn’t correct the date setting - I don’t think I did - in re-starting it, and the date only updates once in the case of a long recording lasting several days, the first time midnight is crossed). One of the motivations I had last night in kind-of leaving this as a to-do for myself was to look into the question of what happened if the power to DEVICE 6 did in fact fail at 10:50 yesterday morning (or sometime recently, shown on the clock supposed to show such failures as 10:50). Because I am better organised being free latterly of drugs (substantially so this morning, I feel sure - but I do have sore eyes probably indicating some residual effect, mainly of a stimulant drug I suspect) I am not losing track of the overall scheme of the motivation I had, leading me to be doing what I am doing this morning.
I mention that while this is taking time from me without my consent to it, time which I could be using otherwise - that is, the fact, or merely the suspicion given what has happened in the past, that the mains power has been severed (unnaturally since only one ring main was affected) is giving rise to my engaging in this ‘analysis’ of the audio file - I do not object strongly to this. The reason is that because I am free of drugs in doing this work along sidetrack lines down which I have been distracted without my foregoing consent, and certainly free of ASM depriving me of clarity and fullness of thinking and learning, what I am having to do is actually quite interesting - as indeed is almost anything I find myself doing in life, free of ASM, since even if I am required to do repetitious stuff many people would find boring, my mind is free to range elsewhere (and if the stuff is not repetitious and boring then by definition it is in itself interesting) - and (as I said in the parentheses) even if it weren’t, that is if it were a ‘boring’ routine matter to download audio from these Olympus devices and then ‘analyse’ the files, my mind would be free of distraction, by virtue of finding routine stuff so easy and undemanding, and would be (as to a degree it is now) ranging over other interesting subjects, and most notably stuff related to what loosely I can call ‘character recognition’.
In summary, because I am blessed with an awful large number of synapses, I enjoy what goes on in my mind in a way I can only compare to the average person when he is given amphetamine. Even having this enjoyment of mental activity I do however cope with practical life at the same time. This enjoyment - but it is too weak a word when trying to measure what I lose by being deprived of it - I am indeed deprived of if given dopamine-blocking drugs. Because I feel the need to make the point forcefully, both to try to ensure no one continues to give me dopamine-blocking drugs and with the possibility in mind that in justice I should obtain large compensation, I say this: that the interesting activity in my mind is the reason I have no need to read books or watch TV (etc) for diversion. Indeed if I had time - and I shall if I am freed of the threat of drugging - I would be writing down some of the stuff which comes to my mind, to be published as a book to interest other people. Indeed, this is part of the benefit of my website: to write stuff down, not because it is vitally necessary to me to write it down in the form of a website, but because it sometimes helps to write it down (to clarify and record what comes to my mind) and while I’m writing it down I might as well put it where other people can share it, in the belief some people might well enjoy reading it just as I used to enjoy reading comparable stuff written by people in the past, when I was younger (especially other people’s diaries published, say, posthumously: like the Brontë autobiographical stuff, and - even though he will not be approved by The Establishment - Aleister Crowley’s stuff and mostly it was his diaries).
31/08/08 08:26
I have been tidying up wiring in the kitchen. A cable ultimately from the camera now in the middle of the lawn had been lying on the floor across the threshold into the kitchen, but now I have led it over the door. In doing so I have replaced the power supply to the camera in the middle of the lawn by the transformer plug which came with it; it had been working off a general-purpose unit from Maplins. An improvement needs to be made still, to getting power to this transformer plug since the placement of 3-pin sockets in the kitchen is not ideal for the arrangement I have come up with.
Last night one of the things I was motivated to do, by the slight threat from having been put into some sort of trance connected to hypnotism and the drugs which have been used in my past to make hypnotism easier (the opium drugs), was to arrange a switching affair to select between my various security cameras, for input to the VCR in the bedroom, and to the TV associated. This is going well, being based on electromagnetic relays so that switching could eventually be under the control of some sort of timer, or computer, or sensor (eg so that if motion was detected the camera covering the area where the motion was detected could be switched in).
If it appears that a main plank in the assault on my security lies in the breaking of the mains power supply I could arrange for a loud alarm to sound if the mains power fails. For one thing if we are in at the time (this seemingly is what happened yesterday) the siren might wake us from whatever ‘trance’ it was. Otherwise it might cause general consternation locally. And the alarm could be made to trigger other devices elsewhere about the property, set up to detect say loud noises. The alarm could even (a thing I have mooted before in general terms) give rise to a phonecall out or an internet message sent. However, unless other people were alerted the main effect would be to record evidence less easily denied, about the power cut.
31/08/08 09:04
The voltage of the mains in the kitchen is now reported by the meter as 286V. The LCD display says BAT so either the high voltage is posing a danger to the battery in the meter or is giving a false error display, or the reading is wrong because the battery in the meter is failing.
... Changing the meter for the other identical I bought, the reading is 242V and no BAT. I conclude leaving the meter on all the time (to give a constant reading of the mains voltage) has used up the battery in the first meter.
31/08/08 09:47
One of the things I have been trying to do this morning has been stymied by a relay sold to me by Maplins turning out to be a dud. Unfortunately I have no spares so I must wait till I can buy some more. However, by going through the steps necessary to find the source of the failure (that is, other components might have been duds to cause the failure, until I had tracked it down to this relay), I now have a kind-of test set-up whereby it will in future be easy to test these relays. This means dedicating to be used in testing some components which otherwise might be used in ‘production’, but - depending on the statistical rate of failure of components now more easily testable - it seems worth setting them aside. If the rate of failure of components (bought at Maplins, say, where I am known to shop) is higher for me, because of The Experiment, than for the average purchaser (it seems ridiculously unnecessary saying this, but in the past my computers for one thing have been deliberately - or as a ‘side-effect’ of the Authorities’ incompetence - caused to fail), then The Experiment is costing me, and an example is to be found here in needing to set aside components specifically to be used to test other components.
31/08/08 10:00
I must make sure to know where I can find the most up-to-date version of my Visual field analysis prog. It seems to be Visual field analysis 080828 2045 w-i-p in the folder Visual field analysis - recent (part only).
... Looking at that version, I recall what I was doing was trying to get a plot of popularity of greyscale values 0 .. 255 for lineages to compare with the one (shown recently in my website diary) for the entire scanned document. Of course this is a thing earlier versions of the prog already did, but I have had to back-track, and arrange a choice of routes through the prog, to bring back the former method of initially estimating the whitenessthreshold for the whole document used as a first guess for each lineage. This former method is now brought into use if a Boolean called QuickFix is True.
I am now using a Parameters file to specify values for such Booleans (and the like) to give different routes through the prog:
nlines=2
QuickFix=True
DebugImages=False
NO_MSGBOX=True
NO_PLOTS=False
The results however of running this latest version of the prog make no sense: for example clustermeasure (for the lineage in question), which as far as intended was supposed to be a value between zero and 1, comes out as 141,000 odd.
31/08/08 20:07
We got home from a trip to Cheltenham in a hired van say fifteen minutes ago. We had been to see my cousin and pick up his old settee which he has let us have (I can’t remember how much of this I have already explained, and a further complication is who am I explaining it for? - by which I mean even if I have set down the facts in my diary has that portion appeared in my website diary?) The clock which is supposed to indicate any break in the mains power is running about twenty minutes behind the correct time, and without actually checking (yet) I feel sure this must be because the battery for the clock is low: the clock has not stopped, and it’s difficult to see, supposing there had been illicit entrants and they had re-started the stopped clock (stopped with the severance of mains power to permit unprovable trespass, that is to cause the cameras not to work), why they would not correct the time for the lost minutes. Of course one can imagine reasons: for example they might have feared to electrocute themselves if it wasn’t clear to them what to do to correct the time.
All this (to repeat a point I have made several times recently) is extra ‘processing’ - working stuff out taking my time, energy and sometimes money - which I would not have to do but for The Experiment. In the ordinary course trespassers would be burglars and would not take such pains agents of the Authorities might take (this the basis of the processing work I feel the need to do) to conceal the fact of illegal entry. I’m not entirely sure why The Experiment has been arranged to be (supposedly) a secret from me: something to do with not interfering with my free choices what to do by intruding the fact of observation on me. However, a lot of what I do - costing me most in time, effort and money - is in fact based on countering The Experiment which I know very well is a fact. Why I have to take these pains is that because of what has happened in the past, and because of distortion of my thinking and in particular of my intellect by drugging which I cannot predict, I fear I may be compulsorily detained and I fear my ability to think freely will be taken from me (in the past for decade after decade) and even in the present when the drugs are acting my freedom to think my usual intellectual thoughts is interfered with.