December 2007.

My mind being free of distortion due to drugs - by virtue of the fact that lately I have drunk no tapwater but only pure water direct from the river - I am in a position to observe the effects of the drugs on Dawn better than ever I have been able to on myself. The drugs I’m talking about have been given in recent years surreptitiously to myself - and Dawn has of course taken them too as we eat and drink mainly the same foods and drinks - for various purposes related to schizophrenia and the investigation of schizophrenia. I am now intent on making the facts known about the very unpleasant consequences for me in having been given such drugs - in the past as well as recently - because (as I say) I am now in a better position to see clearly what I have suffered and to present the facts with little fear of further suffering (for example in the form of detention and compulsory treatment under the Mental Health Act). My hope is that I can put a stop entirely to the giving - usually by surreptitious means often involving contamination of tapwater - of inappropriate drugs, to myself and to Dawn.

This blight to my life started around the year 1980. In fact I think probably the scheme - what I call the Experiment - was hatched before the time I became a student at Cambridge University in 1974. It is a reasonable guess that the scheme was thought up by people at Cambridge wanting to do research into schizophrenia. They fixed on me as their subject because I was found to have schizoid personality and they presumed I was in the prodromal stage of schizophrenia if only of a mild negative-symptom type. The initial hope I think was to ‘cure’ me of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia which the researchers thought they saw in my schizoid personality (for example social avoidance - that is spending a lot of my time on my own - which the researchers felt was not right, presumably believing for one thing that it made me unhappy). It is a reasonable supposition that the man who later became my consultant psychiatrist under the NHS - Anthony Dew Armond - was a major player from the outset. He has a Cambridge MA (1964), became a doctor (MB BChir Camb.) also in 1964, and a psychiatrist (MRCPsych) in 1976. The main reason I am convinced he knew that I was a special case is that he kept my ‘on a section’ for over two years (from 1 March 1984 to 26 July 1986) even though in that period I was mostly out of hospital (I spent only about six weeks from 1 March 1984 actually detained and after that Armond used a procedure I have since read was found by a Court in another case than mine to be illegal, of requiring me to sleep overnight in the hospital once every six months, for the purpose of appearing to satisfy the legal requirement for me to be kept ‘on a section’ that I should be resident in hospital: that is after six months of non-residence the ‘section’ would automatically have lapsed). His flouting of the law (as in effect it was) was improper: the law was correctly conceived in that someone who can live adequately so long out of hospital cannot be said to be so ill as to require compulsion.

To cut a long story short, the first compulsory hospitalisation I suffered (for about three months from Tuesday 11 November 1980) - which was made to appear reasonable because of my agitated behaviour under the influence of an amphetamine-like stimulant surreptitiously administered possibly (as drugs have been since) in the tapwater; and I believe the deliberate purpose was to allow me to be detained in hospital with an appearance of legality - made my low regard for most of my fellow humans even lower. (My regard for psychiatrists - whom I had not prior to 1980 had dealings with - came to include thinking of them metaphorically as the spawn of Satan.) The main part of what I suffered was related to the drug régime I was put under as part of the usual scheme of treatment then for schizophrenia. Antischizophrenic drugs have a terrible effect on me - I can’t say if they always have the same effect in genuine cases of schizophrenia - of making it impossible for me to organise my thoughts and therefore to get anywhere with anything requiring organised thinking. This included employment, and I was unable to continue as a trainee accountant. Unfortunately what I was disabled from doing also included pursuing any complaint against the compulsion I suffered first at the end of 1980 and then as I say between 1 March 1984 to 26 July 1986 (and on three occasions since). Now free of drugs - and I hope to remain so - I can better pursue my complaint (especially as recent events have caused Dawn to suffer from surreptitiously administered drugs in a similar way).

I therefore invite my MP Ian Pearson, and solicitors who I hope will assist me, to aid the prosecution of my complaint, with the objectives first of securing Dawn and myself from further improper drug administration, and second, hopefully, of obtaining financial compensation for me.

01/12/07 08:13

Since writing the above (on the Amilo Pro) I have made notes on the handheld device and longhand. We have been down to the river and obtained 5l of water much quicker thanks to the contraption I put together yesterday afternoon (my memory being hazy under the influence of drugs almost certainly deriving from the Co-op jam I ate at breakfast-time, I may be mistaken and I may have put it together yesterday evening). I am proposing - this thought and the consequent sequence occurred to me as we were walking back from the river - to change yet again the number I use as a password. This is basically motivated (the idea to change it again so soon) by coincidences - that is repetitions - within the number generated yesterday, and between it and numbers meaningful in a wider context. I am almost inclined (slightly in excess of 50%) to suppose yesterday’s number was fixed by corruptness in (presumably) a random-number generator within Windows - that is (my best guess) this Amilo Pro Windows vulnerable from the start and lately specifically corrupted (in the random-number generator particularly) on connection to the internet (this blameable on Microsoft Corporation, if we are in the business of attributing responsibility: as I tend to be more than is natural to me, under certain combinations of drugs affecting my seriatim process as modeller of causal chains to which the concept of responsibility is allied).

What I was thinking as we walked back earlier though - the above being a spun-off tangent from the originating ideas I had in mind to write down (this spinning-off of course going further in schizo type brains like mine than in most people by virtue of the degree of dopamine-propagation) - was that changing the password number is relatively easy for me - certainly it is when I am not too-far disorganised by the effect of drugs, and things of this sort can be made easier with a computer (but at the risk if one understands little, of suspecting interference with the workings of the computer) - but keeping up would be a hard chore for the ‘opposition’. This is the case with codes and ciphers in general. Even if a cipher is not 100% unbreakable, it may be arranged to take an awful lot of processing to break, and hence time for the breaker (depending on the resources he has available). If it be asked, how could They yet break the number generated yesterday (presuming any corruptness in the random-number generator isn’t too bad)? - the answer is, by trying different combinations of the padlocks in the time we were absent from the park home, They might have partially broken the code (eg They might have opened one of the two padlocks). Given further time without any additional processing effort on my part, They might be able to open the two padlocks.

The upshot of this is that processing power is power indeed, and schizo types whose processing power is not up to what their brain generates as a requirement do right, actually, to feel uncertain and unconfident, and at risk of being taken advantage of. (I repeat an explanation I have given before, that many people relying as much on other people as on themselves - by some mechanism involving raising of their serotonin level in companionship, this by some mechanism reducing the demand for dopaminergic processing in their own brain - do not and need not feel the same, because even if their ‘enemies’ or rivals might take advantage of them, their friends will support them so that they are not constantly distressed.) Any psychologically based supposed cure of schizophrenia entailing the sufferer pretending to be pally (with people pretended on both sides to be pals) is ill-based and unlikely to be successful (proved I suspect by results of efforts along these lines).

01/12/07 11:41

There is evidence someone has been into the park home while we have been out at Dawn’s daughter’s doing more laundry. The pencil I attached to the door handle (of the entrance door into the lounge) has been detached, which - because of the way I had tied it on with a quantity of string - would not be possible by accident. Also, the light has been left on in the second bedroom. I do not believe we left it on. I can’t be sure, but the reading on the electric meter at £13.28 (I think: I’ll go and check again) is I believe higher than the reading I saw when we left (although I didn’t write that down).

01/12/07 11:46

The electric meter says £13.12. I seem mildly confused in regard to numbers, and must presume this is an effect of the drugs - even the small dosage I have taken in. I find it slightly surprising that the unexpected message (consequent on three errors in inputting the boot password) came up on the Amilo Pro at this time, though: but then again I suppose anytime my number sense and memory were confused I might well produce that error, and there’s nothing special about this time (along the lines of the Authorities trying to take advantage) which doesn’t go hand-in-hand with me being given drugs confusing my number sense. In other words there are not two independently arising factors alerting my attention whose coincidence would demand explanation.

Because of the drugs in the jam earlier I lost sight of (‘forgot’) my intention to change the password number and in losing sight forgot to re-seal the red wheelie case. I did however take the padlocks with me - thinking ahead to just this sort of problem arising, I imagine (although I cannot recall what was in my mind as ordinarily I would be able to) at the time I removed the padlocks with the intention of changing the numbers - so they will not have been available to the almost certain illicit entrants to learn the number (changed or not, if they had sufficient time - working quickly - to test combinations). I am confirmed in my decision earlier - even though not then carried through - to constantly change the password number.

I don’t know what the illicit entrants would have made of the fact that the red wheelie case wasn’t locked. They might be suspicious I had procedures in place for detecting its being opened. My method to cope with that would be to replace the wheelie case with one identical and any internal mechanism which could have detected the opening replaced as was in the new case. This of course would be fraught with possible sources of error and most likely the wheelie case has not been opened, and the water left inside this morning is still sound. Such an argument which I used to apply to illicit entry to the park home itself might be nullified - in fact as I say it’s virtually certain someone has entered illicitly - by saying if I enquired (supposing I had mechanisms in place to provably determine illicit entry) that the site manager or some authorised person had entered. I do not know what the law says about such entrance, but I believe an Englishman’s home is his castle and authorisation is always needed (unless there is something like a search warrant, and in our case there would be no believable reason to give for such a warrant in the ordinary course).

I cannot tell if the tapwater is still drugged. I cannot tell whether the hope is that I - or only Dawn - will take in drugs, although obviously the possibility must be in the Experimenters’ mind that I - and even Dawn, with my advice - will evade any drugs. The dosages I have suffered lately (compared to June and earlier years) have been small, and I would think this has been found to give satisfactory results, in not disinclining me too much from my website and allowing me to think clearly enough under the influence or soon after to describe the effects well and produce likely accurate theories explaining the way the drugs work. On the other hand any mind-altering drugs at all are a severe inconvenience to me - and sometimes recently have caused Dawn to suffer in a way which angers me - so my view on the whole is that if the imposition of drugs is too great, we should after all flee to Kingswinford. This would apply, for example, if the water in the red wheelie case has been interfered with.

Having thought that through, I see no argument against wasting tapwater as much as I can. If it contains drugs, waste is good, as a discouragement (and possibly even exhausting the reservoir of drugs). If it doesn’t contain drugs, it’s a slight addition to the waste to the water company from leaking pipes, and indeed they are responsible for allowing the introduction of drugs so increasing their costs would be in order (and I must say I regret paying the water rate in Kingswinford). I can investigate how easy a less noticeable rupture in the water supply pipe would be, or think in terms of inconveniencing the (purported) site owner by having constantly developing pipe bursts.

If we flee to Kingswinford, it is increasing the cost to ourselves and the possible profit would be to alert the Authorities to the degree of my distress, and possibly cause them cost in wasted preparation for this month of causing us problems (there is clear evidence we were expected to fulfil our original plan to arrive on Thursday 29 November 2007, and I suspect this involved Dawn being spoken to in her sleep as I had suggested not coming till around 10 December but she said she wished to come earlier: to the best of my recollection that’s why we came this Thursday).

What is needed is a permanent solution. There is no question of giving up the bungalow, but (to mention again) the benefits of the park home centre round Dawn being near her family say 50% of the time. The bungalow is more secure against illicit entry (especially at night when we can bolt ourselves in: but being spoken to in our sleep doesn’t seem to require entrance to the building). (Things going the way they are, it seems a certainty the recent repeat failure of our rear security light at the bungalow has been deliberately engineered.)

A major benefit of the park home is a supply of river water within easy walking distance. This afternoon we could easily go and get some more, and the only reason really to risk the water now in the red wheelie case would be to test the extent of the Authorities’ insistence we take in drugs.

Having stated it thus, and taking account of the manner of agents sent to test the degree to which we have been sent loony by drugs (such as a courier for Next at Dawn’s daughter’s this morning), I conclude most likely the Authorities are very determined to try to foist drugs on us. I regard this as most improper especially (as I have said before while in a less clear state of mind) as we have not agreed terms.

01/12/07 13:15

A few things to mention. First, I am experiencing rebound hunger - rebound that is after the anorectant effect of the stimulant drug in the jam early on (eaten perhaps as early as 5 am). Yesterday I had this rebound effect but later in the afternoon, presumably because the drugs I took in yesterday morning I took in around 7.30 am. Eight hours later - based on today’s timing - would have been 3.30 pm. I suspect that’s right, to within an hour.

Second, glancing at results from my character thinning prog, I immediately notice two flaws: (1) an arm of thickness one cell gets eroded (solution: the end of such an arm should be preserved intact and therefore the entire arm; the end of the arm will consist of a black cell with seven surrounding white cells, counting-in diagonal adjacency); and (2) there is a flaw (presumably a coding bug) resulting in a vertical stroke two or three cells in from the left being left at two cells thickness most of the way up from the bottom if it started at thickness two cells.

Third, using the same password number for my Windows user as the boot password leaves the possibility of discovery of the boot password should the hard disc be copied even only once given access (unless I keep changing the boot password). I think on the whole a Windows user password isn’t the best idea.

01/12/07 17:53

We have been to Doncaster on the bus, but before that - as she herself told me - Dawn had eaten part of one of the three remaining bakery ‘Tiger’ rolls bought from the Tesco between Doncaster and Wadworth (on the Tickhill Road, or just off it) on Thursday evening after Dawn’s daughter picked us up from Doncaster railway station (the daughter asked us if we needed anything and suggested Tesco; the rolls seemingly were chosen by Dawn’s grandson). I am setting this down - in case my memory should be faulty later - because it turns out that these bread rolls contain drugs in such a high dosage that their effect persisted into today (from Thursday) even before Dawn ate the additional amount around lunch-time today. While not wanting to distress Dawn further, I feel the matter should be reported to the police, but before that I’m wondering if there is any private treatment centre (such as BUPA, as I spoke of when we had the episode at Worcester in the summer) where Dawn might be checked over (and even perhaps tested for drugs).

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03/12/07 09:09 [Monday]

Thoughts in BB’s upstairs from Doncaster railway station (waiting to catch the 0953 I think, which I think is straight-through Doncaster-Birmingham). I became tearful on hearing (I think) John Lennon War Is Over (the notion going through my mind that the part of The Experiment involving me being given drugs, or certainly objectionable drugs, is over) and evidently tearfulness is a middle-range process (involving I suppose lower-level processes) mainly having a communicative effect, and capable of being ‘disconnected’ by seriatim determination. Questions arising include whether to have been hypnotically ‘assisted’ to cry has been a help (along the lines of catharsis) and what it means to say for some mental phenomenon that such-and-such is the reason for it (readers will know my views on Freud’s ‘reasoning’).

The answer to the first is that hypnosis - especially hypnosis not consented to in advance in an unhypnotised (and undrugged) state - is not a help. The reason I say this is that the hypnotisers are subject to error, as is proved by the suffering I have endured over the decades enabled, or made much easier to continue, through the use of voicing in my sleep. Of course the hypnotised individual is also subject to error, but he learns much better from errors he makes himself than from errors he learns his hypnotisers have made, and he learns not at all from errors of his hypnotisers which are never communicated to him. I must say this invites the question why evolution has not discontinued the possibility of hypnosis, and possible answers involve rarity of such misuse of voicing in the sleep as I have suffered - along the lines really of ‘mass hysteria’ which some gifted individuals have been capable of inducing (including Hitler) - and the relative weakness of effects produced by hypnosis without drugs. As usual tools used as weapons (and drugs may be included) show themselves a major influence - interference really - with evolution as it has worked in the past, and create a significant threat of curtailing the length of time the human race - even the planet - will continue. Politically minded people have the interest of considering such questions.

As to the meaning of the reason for a mental phenomenon (and it is so elementary that the only need to state it lies in the folly - possibly originating randomly and then snowballing by psychological theorists building on the work of previous theorists: just as was the case in mediaeval theology which had almost no connection with reality assessed by evidence in the physical universe): there are mechanisms in the brain which lead to certain ‘behaviours’ (a behaviour being a set of routines of movement of body parts built up into a structure at a high level of abstraction and capable of being treated as a single entity, just as an organisation such as a profit-making corporation can reasonably be treated as a single abstract entity) one of which is tearfulness (this at rather a low level of abstraction). Evolution has not discontinued these structures (behaviours) and that’s all there is to be said - basically - about the reason. Of course it is open to students given research grants to enquire into the evolutionary advantages of different behaviours.

Nottinghamshire police assert Dawn is ‘well’ (I think that was the word) and while this - based almost certainly on psychiatric advice - is probably in error (given the value of psychiatrists’ understanding) I believe she will suffer lasting ‘psychological’ damage of only a minor degree, and will be compensated with money for this and the temporarily damaging inconvenience she is currently being put to.

03/12/07 09:39

I have succeeded in missing the (presumed) 0923, but there should be a 0953 or 0954 (less likely direct). The primary reason I am returning to Kingswinford is that I am safer there from drugging and nighttime voicing, for reasons explained previously. However, it may well be that any further severe drugging and use of nighttime voicing will be little (this on current statistics). Another reason for preferring Kingswinford is comfort of the bungalow compared to the park home; familiarity I find now plays little part (in the past its effectiveness was probably exaggerated through interference from drugs). There are possibilities too for causing inconvenience to Nottinghamshire police (ie from Kingswinford) as a disinclination to them to continue so unhelpful.

03/12/07 12:55 At home in the West Midlands

I haven’t really got enough to say to warrant writing here, but I am (I suspect) invited by hypnosis and I find it restful (much the same as Rousseau copying text, one of my standard examples). To expand a little: it would be more in my usual method to think through better what I have to say - most likely including in bed before sleep (based on my practice in the late teens) - before writing anything of it down. This would apply for anything serious, but of course not for school-timetabled stuff which was time-delimited and didn’t get the full treatment. What I am doing now is on the school-timetabled shelf.

Preamble over; economics as she is spoke leads to over-use of resources, where by over-use I mean unnecessarily rapid, where necessary is measured as a function of human happiness (as if there were such a thing). Does travelling abroad every year (once or twice for many families) improve the aggregate happiness in Britain? The cost of course is ‘unnecessarily rapid’ use of fossil fuels (and possibly other consequences based on ‘greenhouse’ effects). It strikes me - although I do not doubt government statisticians could improve their incomes (and further over-use resources) by questionnairing happiness - that such overseas travel only negligibly increases aggregate happiness. On the other hand I am a total and complete believer in freedom and if overseas travel is available (including affordable) I believe people should be entirely free to make their mistaken choices. Indeed this is another side of Original Sin, which I totally and completely believe exists, although not depending on any religious interpretation. One reason I do not believe the State should embargo or ration overseas travel is that governments are subject to error (as has been proved in my own modest life) and when governments make errors (or large corporations especially monopolies) they are extremely large-scale errors: indeed if the present US Government contrives the right sort of error it’s curtains.

Original Sin, in my meaning, has to do with individuals not sufficiently thinking for themselves. There is a resurgence of this, if you think about it, now in the West after a few centuries of influence by the Protestant Churches supplanting the influence of Rome and the ensuing Catholicism. (One might even cf the modern superstate in the USA and subsequently we think China with Rome.) Part of the effect of this tribalism - such things as etiquette and ceremonies (including funerals especially military and royal funerals) provide the base-level mortar for tribalism which can become near-jingoism - is war (and factional ‘football’ hooliganism nowadays more realistically called the gang culture). Sorry to say, this is the way people are - steeped in Original Sin - and I can’t change it (although there are anarchist-adherents who are less nice and take more direct action). For sure the government can’t change it, and I can’t believe it’s worth ‘setting’ that even as a task for the reader.

Context information: I’m having lunch on the top public floor of The Pavilions shopping centre in Birmingham. I forgot to reinstall the computer system (there wasn’t space to do so anyway in my corner of the vestibule at the carriage-end: obiter dicta - there’s nothing against leaning on the doors of HST trains).

03/12/07 13:44

In this literal centre of pluralism Birmingham it is so easy to forget the existence of places north (less easy places south) but I feel I must pursue my policies relating to Nottinghamshire in particular Nottinghamshire police, for Dawn’s sake. Should Dawn begin to suffer seriously - whether or not psychiatric assessors notice this - the blame will attach to those improperly detaining her (although of course she may not be detained, and in any case I as nearest relative - when I alert the Nottinghamshire authorities to my two addresses - must be informed if she is on the mental ward). If they do notice any unacceptable suffering (acceptability possibly to be determined at a later date by a legally constituted enquiry) it will be a cost to them to convey her to the West Midlands (if they cotton on - and if they don’t they are negligent - that bringing Dawn here would alleviate the suffering). When I am under the influence of drugs I tend to think more in terms of incurring cost as punishment - that is the cost should in a sense be excessive, and post hoc - than incurring cost as deterrent. This means that (on drugs) I am thinking more of the person-related communicative aspects than the task-related profit-sheet aspects; that is (on drugs) I am veering more in the direction of Original Sin. Put in those terms, psychiatrists who praise sociability up to an infinite degree and read The Guardian and do not think like Mrs Thatcher are people the most steeped in Original Sin in existence.

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04/12/07 02:30 [Tuesday]

I am back from Birmingham where I was on my way to Nottinghamshire but turned back. What is uppermost in my mind at present is drugs I suffered on the way home when I stopped to eat a sandwich bought at Boots on New Street station. Needless to say these drugs had bad effects only: no good effects for me. I’ve been trying to work out why they were given (a particularly felt imposition as I had I thought determined drugging had come to an end). One possibility is that an organisation insufficiently well-organised to pull drugged foods off the shelves as circumstances change is or has been allowed to drug me in this unpleasant way. All this is, I suppose, is the equivalent of incompetence by Council officers but an equivalent in which I suffer particularly badly. I’m sorry to sound resigned, but with bureaucratic (Socialist) government these things happen.

I find I do not estimate well what other people understand or the way they reach the conclusions they do reach. This is difficulty modelling error, which I mentioned in relation to Microsoft Word in [March 2006 in fact: see Thursday 16 March 2006.]

I’ve completely lost track of what I was on about, as a result I think of drugs in the tapwater I have used to make a cup of tea. God knows why these drugs are in the tapwater. To complain about these, I must go out to a payphone. I can’t think clearly but this would be a cost to the perpetrators. Probably the drugs are there to enable hypnosis to be perpetrated. How can I guard against that? What I am most disinclined to do - or was an hour or two back and I can almost remember the reasons -

These words may be being recorded undeletably on the hard disc following the earlier improper installation of updates. The possibility of getting rid of these notes is positive for me as allowing me to disincline them from giving me drugs.

[Image later deleted to object to drugs being given.]

04/12/07 18:01

The most interesting thing in my mind at present - having been on the phone to Dawn and others - is that I do not remember the correct name of the (seeming) Bassetlaw psychiatrist I call Kershaw. This is (I will mention it even though so obvious, to display which of the contents of my mind are uppermost) because the level of abstraction at which I am thinking is right, instead of on combinations of drugs with certainly a component of ASM in them too low a level with focus on large quantities of detail - irrelevant or at least distracting detail - with insufficient summarisation and abbreviation in terms of sequences like causal sequences.

Following the lucky random retention of the above 02:30 entry - the implication in the hypnosis on which my words were based was that they should be deleted - it is clear that from time to time drugs are put in the tapwater. I am running the cold taps constantly and hope that in a similar way to a flowing river drugs put in would soon be washed downstream, and therefore drugs will be less likely put in as assessed to be complete waste.

04/12/07 20:14

I’m fairly sure I was hypnotised by voicing from the TV about the time above - 6 pm - when I was affected by a glass of Tio Pepe to which almost certainly a very mild additional special sedative (ie not alcohol) was put in (so that it could be risked on innocent purchasers who would experience very little additional sedative effect affecting say driving skills). What I am concerned with, really, is to know if to commit such an offence it is necessary for the hypnotisers to hear - or see - my response (ie to ascertain if I am under yet).

04/12/07 20:27

I think there is a hypnotically induced tendency to hasten, focusing - whether by pre-plan or not - on the running cold taps, ie I feel I should be hastening, eg to prevent overflow.

The investigation underweigh at present is centred round altering my behaviour - which it is known it is relatively easy to do using drugs (indeed in anyone, especially through sedating them) - by hypnosis, and the method is to try to mimic the ways I have reported drugs work (or the things drugs are anyway supposed to do, such as suppress - or the absence not suppress - pain such as headache and notice of cold surroundings).

Originally the ways used to try to alter my behaviour were grosser ways (based on psychology rather than neuroscience) such as my desire to be in company with Dawn, or to defend her by anger directed at those drugging her. Even now it is supposed I am eager to talk to her and the effect of this - this is it seemingly - attempted to be exaggerated by introducing frustrations (such as this evening when I went to the phone unavailability of the room on the ward used for patients’ telephone calls). The thing is, deliberate ‘wind-ups’ can usually be set aside, especially by those of us with a powerful seriatim.

I mention that constantly hearing the taps run will discontinue any hastening effect through habituation.

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05/12/07 10:03 [Wednesday]

There has been some deep and long-lasting effect from drugs on my brain and hence on the workings of my mind, only now beginning to wear off. I must have been taking in drugs for quite a while - since Saturday 24 November 2007 at least:

24/11/07 07:58

I am making errors seemingly indicating confusion of mind.

However when assessed this past Sunday night by two psychiatrists (one of whom was the Bassetlaw psychiatrist Eid) I was found to be of sound mind, and I was completely in agreement then myself. It’s only the past day or two since the weekend that I have been so very abstracted (let’s call it, without exactly understanding what it consisted of [but see below]) part of which has been performing activities under hypnotic advice so that I have not been sufficiently thinking them through - not participating in them, in a sense - myself. On Sunday night in Worksop police custody suite before I was assessed (for possible detention under the Mental Health Act) I was given a cup of coffee which contained drugs. At the time I believed The Experiment was coming to an end and I was being checked out to verify that I was not in fact mental. Hence I did not distrust the coffee.

What I now dislike in the situation (and decline to continue in, if I am free to choose) is not only fear of detention - which fear I do have - but dislike for the abstracted state of mind I have been in (and am now beginning to come out of, thanks partly no doubt to constantly running the cold taps so any drugs pass downstream without leaving much of a concentration). The abstraction as I say means I am in effect not participating in my own life: I am moved like a zombie (or rather, was the past day or two) even if the motions I went through were identical to the motions I would have chosen myself if I had had a clear head.

It may be that this horrible effect has been caused not mainly by the hypnotic advice I have received (given on two or three occasions more or less in the middle of the night, which I can specify and give the context where I was at the time, not by direct remembrance but by putting two and two together based on my feelings at the time - being asleep it amounts to - and what followed after) but by the combination of drugs used, possibly (the old old story) amphetamine plus ASM. The result on myself of combining these drugs in the proportions used has been - if I read the situation right - to reduce considerably the participation in my thinking of the frontal brain. This meant that I was not introspecting so much as I went about, or thinking so much - hardly at all - about others things the while (such as possible consequences and corollaries which might follow or be associated with the events I detected through immediate perception). I am never going to Nottinghamshire again.

05/12/07 10:34

I have the effect of these drugs right: they do in myself significantly disable the contribution from the frontal brain. I have been made to endure in effect a (thankfully temporary) lobotomy. Still, in the time of Armond the bastards did this to me over years.

05/12/07 10:48

It is possible (and if I were religious I would pray it be so) that what is being done now is in brief emulation of the past to try to assess the nature and degree of the suffering I have endured.

05/12/07 11:24

They have given these drugs not knowing to cause a ‘chemical lobotomy’ but for some other purpose, possibly one as simple as enabling hypnosis to be perpetrated. The complaints about me not sufficiently updating my website took no account of the fact that disablement of the contribution from my frontal brain meant I was not able to do such computer work in the drugged condition, let alone enjoy it.

05/12/07 11:38

I am doing computer work now, in fact trying to prepare an update of my website. Thankfully I understand by now effects such as these: because of the accumulation of ideas in my mind (medium-term memory, I suppose, to be literal) I am becoming ‘tired’ but - the proportion of amphetamine in the mixture higher than usual is doubtless the explanation - not in the way I am accustomed to, but in a way including a feeling of angry frustration (only mild at these dosages) and occasional bafflement when sudden errors occur giving rise to unexpected quick changes on the computer screen, a bafflement which at another level of abstraction leads me to mistakenly perceive - or at least suspect I have seen - glimpsed images after a sleepless night under the influence. I am able to discourse rationally about this because (at these dosages in these proportions) I attribute no deliberate agency to the errors raising the anger.

05/12/07 11:54

Let me say this: the complainants who ask, ‘Why in God’s name can’t he used blogger.com like anyone else?’ miss the fact that actually putting together my website pages is more the point of it than giving other people the opportunity to read what I write.

05/12/07 18:21

I have had a further sleep of about two hours from around 4 pm. When around that time I succumbed to sleep I had just had a meal - counting I suppose as lunch - of cheese and cream crackers with Clover spread (from a big tub bought goodness knows where, but bought recently) and I feared (and presumed) I was becoming sleepy because of drugs in that meal. However, as there are no detectable effects now subsequently, I believe either there were no drugs in the meal but I was simply deathly tired after recent wakefulness, or any drugs amounted to a very mild sedative with virtually no ‘side-effects’ along the lines of a modern sleeper.

Yesterday (Tuesday) evening I drank a glass of Tio Pepe sherry and that (or something taken at the same time) contained a more powerful (and unacceptable) sedative, combined almost certainly with a stimulant. That I suppose would be the last time I took in a stimulant drug (wearing off of which might leave me deathly tired, I mean). Most likely that’s the explanation: the sleep from around 4 pm today was in effect ‘sleeping off’ the drugs in my metabolism, taken latest yesterday evening when that sherry was drunk (either in the sherry itself - now chucked - or in something taken at the same time). The implication of this - which it would be difficult to disbelieve anyway - is that constantly running the cold taps is an effective way of ensuring the cold water supply here provides undrugged water.

05/12/07 18:33

Pondering the fact that our rear security light bust again and what with one thing and another I’ve not had chance to replace the element, it strikes me a second light (and possibly additional lights) always on - that is without bothering with infra-red motion detection - would be a useful second-string to have. I reckon I’m competent to fix one up. I might get down to Focus DIY (who close I presume at 8 pm).

However, my funds failed earlier. It wasn’t so much actually the funds as my plastic (NatWest) card, which declined to even give me a balance from a hole-in-the-wall machine. It struck me that perhaps Dawn had had to withdraw funds, but as I say it is not the money failing but the plastic card (both in holes-in-the-wall and as a means of EFTPOS).

My mind wandering nicely now, I ask myself what percentage of psychiatrists understand the term EFTPOS without looking it up. Lately I have felt an interest - hypnotically brought forward - in pointing out the difference in degree of folly between psychiatrists on the one hand and the rest of humankind on the other.

I must admit though my estimate of the literacy rate among western trained psychiatrists (literal literacy, I mean) exceeds 90%. Probably in excess of 95% of British psychiatrists can read, in fact. Britain can be a proud nation. Still, my Dad used to say pride’s a sin - as well as a gaggle of lions - and it might be better for Gordon Brown’s standing in the world if a less proportion of psychiatrists here had troubled to learn anything. (Further mental wandering brings up the question what proportion of British psychiatrists have read Jane Austen.)

05/12/07 18:50

This is serious. A few months back there was a sudden surge in the hitcount (of colinbrough.co.uk I believe) and I have since calculated that it must have been at that stage that cleverer people were recruited (costing the State additional fees) to understand my website on behalf of the psychiatric people who previously had been the main readers. I am I have to say in two minds, in that I am very pleased a few people have benefited from my website(s) but regret the cost to the State.

05/12/07 21:46

I made some emendations to the website starting from the origin (as I recall) of noticing I needed to change the links involving new month (as it were) to December (this month). Then I went out to phone Dawn, who was said to be asleep and the room she would need to speak to me from not available anyway. Walking back (and I’m afraid I’m still to some extent thinking in terms of what the Authorities might be ‘after’, but I cannot say what it is they would be interested to hear from me so the inclusiveness of my commentary must depend on the time and energy and other commitments I have) various thoughts passed through my mind. The one which first presents itself to recollection was based on a taxi waiting outside a house evidently for his fare. He sounded his horn to alert the customer inside the house (what I mean is I have little doubt this was set up by the Authorities but in the ordinary way that’s how the story would go). The thing which struck me slightly was the unnecessary use of his hazard lights (the taxi). It then struck me I might enquire. The thing here is, in the world there is a lot of random fluctuation (bringing mathematical ideas such as epsilon and also entropy to mind) and unless the deviation from what was expected is very great, or there is some immediate personal concern (eg a threat to one’s life), one just passes it by as random fluctuation.

Because I have a lot of synapses (and I made myself smile in using the word placement to myself: I am happy with the placement of my synapses, that is they are correctly distributed through my brain) I have a very detailed and (I’m sure) accurate model of the world centred on myself (lol). This means that I know what’s happening without very much immediate sensory information (so long as I am not drugged). An example is my near certainty the taxi was a set-up by the Authorities. Another example is my confidence that Dawn will not suffer intolerably, and this includes a model in my head of her own reactions. It’s true I cannot be utterly certain what They will do to her, but it’s a fair bet They will strive to ensure she is not significantly hurt. (This ability I have to read stuff with hardly any information - related of course to mistaken perception of patterns such as John Nash apparently used to go in for, but in my case not often mistaken - is a help in my relationship with Dawn, whom many people might find ‘inscrutable’ because of relative lack of communicativeness.)

So the basis on which I am working - as a trial for now - is that this is now not so much an investigation into schizophrenia as an investigation into genius. I’m sorry in a sense to go on about my genius, but it is necessary in order to understand the resources The Experiment has grown to include. (I used to have self-doubt about my estimation of the ‘size’ of the Experiment - for example were radio presenters genuinely altering their patter for my sake, or rather the sake of the Experiment? - but there are various pieces of confirmatory evidence now, not least of which was the manner of seemingly a BT operator on the phone yesterday.) This means, hopefully, that I can cease to have so much fear of detention (in particular) and even perhaps of drugging (especially as I have solved the problem of drugs in the tapwater). This however brings up the argument: if it ain’t bust don’t fix it. In other words, if there is nothing wrong in my life (if I can now avoid detention and drugging) what am I to do? The answer of course is what I would have done had the Experiment never interfered. I need first though to feel secure against detention and drugging.

One thing I could do with and am certainly motivated to try to get is a solicitor in case I am subject again to detention. The trouble here is in the past solicitors have never acted by me reasonably. The solicitors we have consulted about holding the deeds of the bungalow instead of the sacked firm Waldrons, and transferring it into our names jointly, have not communicated with us in an unreasonably long period. Why don’t I do something about that? Because it would be another example of banging my head against a brick wall: the new firm likely are in cahoots with the Authorities as Waldrons were, and trying to get them to see sense would waste my time just as trying to get the police to act reasonably has wasted it.

In an earlier era I liked to read Aleister Crowley. This was many years ago and I don’t know that his work would interest me that much now. However, I could have a look see. He is not to Dawn’s taste as she regards him as a Satanist.

If I had money there are things I could do: for example as regards furnishings (except of course Dawn needs to have her say in that and she is unavoidably detained). I could have a holiday, for example in Edinburgh (again Dawn has doubts about Scotland but having sufficient funds that is one place I myself liked to go).

Apart from that a major ambition I used to have was computer recognition (ie reading) of handscript. Given peace enough I shall continue along character recognition lines (or lineages).

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06/12/07 00:07 [Thursday]

Since I ate a packet of crisps just over an hour ago effects of drugs have started up, including a stimulant effect so marked that I suspect the crisps must have been substituted for those of which I ate a packet yesterday (Tuesday). I may be wrong though, as I was already under the influence yesterday (Tuesday) when I ate those crisps seemingly from the same big multipack, and the effects might have been different because of combination with drugs already in my metabolism.

It is not only a stimulant in the crisps. ASM I believe is also now affecting me from the crisps, and the combination results in - as I have explained to myself and others previously - loss of resolution, so that fewer synapses play their part. One effect is I am more clumsy, producing for example more typos.

Lying in bed perhaps ten minutes ago - and this led to my getting up - I experienced a strong feeling of anger, even rage. This has now passed off, and myself I would seek to explain such manifestations in terms of frustration. In other words, ‘They’re doing it to me again’ accompanied by frustration I have to continue to endure it. The frustration has passed off because I believe I understand what the sequence of events may be, that is this explanation and similar I might write will help the perpetrators understand the nature of their error in giving these drugs, and I shall no longer have to suffer them. Likewise, where previously similar combinations including a stimulant might well have caused me to hare off up and down the country (enraged, as I say) - or possibly only when the stimulant contribution was higher - now I feel able to remain here at home waiting for the effects to pass off. It may be that this is related to the less contribution from the stimulant component, but in the main it is because I understand so well what is happening. If I am subject to a stimulant, what am I interested in doing with the energy and drive given? I explained earlier in the evening what interests I have - or used to have - and the upshot is that anything it might interest me to do I am disabled from doing by combinations of drugs such as these now affecting me.

In the past a major interest I had when driven by stimulant effects was to prevent further drugging. This I am confident I can more or less be sure of now, especially having hit on the method of constantly running the cold taps. Why did I not want to be further drugged? The first period I was drugged with stimulants - summer 1980 - I did not feel overly negative towards the drugs. I quite enjoyed sitting about making conversation (I thought) with the radio (however I did suffer sleep disturbance which varied unpredictably according to how much stimulant I took in). This changed when I suffered the horrors of my first detention. When a similar scenario seemed about to start - sometime in 1983 - my motivation immediately became to evade the drugs and thereby I hoped evade a further detention and period of treatment with ASM. I was not successful in any of that and the consequences have been twenty-five or more years of treatment with antischizophrenic drugs which always hurt me terribly and disabled me from what I wanted to do in life, interspersed with occasions when I was given stimulants which again caused me to react almost violently in endeavouring to protect myself from further detentions and drugging.

Before I got up out of bed it did occur to me - on the basis of my comments of 04/12/07 02:30 which I later feared I had been invited to delete - that nighttime voicing (or hypnosis of some description) might seize hold of the course I would take, should I come here to the lounge to type up these notes. Then I realised the presumed hypnosis leading me astray when affected Monday night - 04/12/07 02:30 - was almost certainly not committed while I was sitting in my lounge. It is at the front of the house, and for hypnosis to be committed now tonight is even less likely as it is only just after midnight and there might well be occasional passers-by.

It is my supposition that these drugs - and I cannot say when they were put into the foods they have been in (including these crisps, and I feel sure now the crisps have not been switched since last night that is Tuesday night) - were expected when supplied to give me sufficient stimulant effect to get myself to Nottinghamshire (with or without hypnotic advice to do so). They will not have that effect because I have made a determination never again to go to Nottinghamshire. And this is because I fear that there I most likely would be drugged further and in a way more difficult to evade, and might even be detained - as Dawn has been more or less - in Bassetlaw Hospital. To what extent this guess that I might in Nottinghamshire suffer drugging and alteration to the environment intended to model schizophrenia for purposes of investigation is right - the alternative is that these drugs are being given to find out why I react to them (or used to react to them) as I do (or did) - I do not know, but I intend to take no risk. While the psychological theory is obviously right, that I would wish to have the company of my wife and to ensure she is well treated, this is entirely overridden by fear based on what I have suffered in the past. Anyone can see that almost thirty years of an empty existence completely different from what one’s life was before and what one had expected it to become is a terrorising motivator to avoid any possibility of repeat.

Note added 27/02/08 05:24: I have come across the following scan representing the sort of cash machine receipt I obtained many times in December 2007 relating to our NatWest account which became difficult to use by virtue of the online service becoming unavailable to me in any reasonable form and my plastic card being refused by machines. The strangest thing about this receipt is the ACCOUNT number, which always otherwise in my experience of such receipts is a four-digit number.

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07/12/07 17:20 [Friday]

[Entries for today (and later on yesterday) deleted for the usual reason.]

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08/12/07 04:46 [Saturday]

I think it better not to publish the above [diary written this morning] yet as it is power to my elbow to be able to delete it should I suffer terrible drugging today. [Today’s diary since deleted.]

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09/12/07 07:18 [Sunday]

Good morning. I woke up say twenty minutes ago and have been performing the usual start-of-the-day routines, such as checking the recording made on my MP3 player overnight (duration 02:19 this night), rewinding and setting up to view (and sampling) the video-recording made from the camcorder now watching over my rear at night, and testing the meteorological conditions in concert with chucking two more bags of crisps of my supply of ammo over the fence. The day ahead shows bright prospects of interest in the shape of trying to persuade the camcorder to work better in league with Dawn’s VCR. I am a bit worried though about the cost in extra electric compelled on me by the Authorities; mainly it is heating which costs, and I feel the need to maintain the ambience around the camcorder on our inadequately interior (I don’t think it has a cavity wall, having originally been what my parents would have called an out-house) utility room. Happily the heater is claimed to cost only 1p an hour to run.

I was thinking - yesterday, I think, and by yesterday evening (when I spent a few minutes in Kingswinford library and found a very interesting treatment done by local schoolchildren of the history of Kingswinford Workhouse - which was in Wordsley, but Wordsley then was in the parish of St Mary’s Kingswinford - which included as part of its aims provision of a home for mentally disturbed persons; it started going downhill when it became a hospital, I think around the time of the Great War - that is even before the NHS conversion to a medical facility did it no good) my mind was entirely empty of drugs, and I was pondering (besides other matters including the Workhouse ethic) how I might ensure the same continued - that one thing which might lead me to put stuff up on my website - a thing again I can blame the Authorities for (in wasting my time) - is inconsistency in what I have already put up (ie this latter - what is already there, to whatever degree inconsistent, but inconsistency clearly amplified by the presence in the past of drugs in my metabolism and bugs in my system - the fault of the Authorities).

Introspective: if I wanted to become a serious writer I would have to make a conscious effort to simplify the structure of my sentences, representative as things stand of the structure of my thinking, that is genius-level and not readily accessible to most readers as is. My English teacher at school said much the same when I was just becoming adolescent: he put it in the simpler terms of advising me to intersperse some short sentences in among the long.

Allow me to say this - that is please do not employ compulsion so that I do not say it - some people would get pleasure from reading stuff like the above, in the mere structure (as I say) of the presentation. I get pleasure from these structures arising in my mind, and sometimes the pleasure can be amplified by writing the structures down as structures of words in sentences. That is, I have suffered over the decades deprivation of such pleasure, from having been drugged.

So what is up on my website already, if it contains inconsistencies (not only low-level inconsistencies like mis-spellings, but higher-level ones in the parallelism or otherwise of similar - or related - structures of concepts), invites correction (from myself that is). This extra work is something I would not have to do - but feel I must, if I have reason to believe there are inconsistencies - had the Authorities not in the past misled me what to put up on the website. I daresay I would have wanted to have a website even without the Authorities, but it would not have had these contents (it might have had some of these contents).

Kingswinford Workhouse: I was reflecting as I walked home from the library what the Poor Laws had to say about compulsion. For example there are in Kingswinford library Lunacy Certificates signed by a single medical officer, saying that such-and-such person is ‘a suitable person to be housed in the Workhouse’ (or similar words). Also the manager was not to ‘allow’ the Workhouse inmates to go out of the Workhouse ‘except on business’ or something else (possibly to church). Does this mean the inmates were detained? My conclusion is that it does not. They stayed voluntarily to the extent that being there was better than having no roof and possibly no food. If it was so bad in there - if the matrons (or whatever) were overly sadistic (or whatever) - the inmates were free to go, to put up with what they were free to decide was a less onerous although still very difficult existence. Persons on a section nowadays cannot do this. However sadistic the Ward Manager is they must put up with it and/or be medicated to suppress their tendency to complain (alternatively: to calm their agitation).

09/12/07 08:39

On Monday evening (3 December 2007) it was attempted (somehow, based on the drugs influencing me then plus suggestion either given while I was in the West Midlands or prior to my leaving Nottinghamshire - or on the journey I suppose) to seduce me back to Nottinghamshire. I got as far as Birmingham on the projected return to Nottinghamshire, but became angry on recalling what I had suffered in deprivation of experience while medicated over the years (by virtue of not suffering it that evening in Birmingham, when I explored the area round the Mailbox so called, which is a place the BBC have studios). It may well be that this anger occurred because I had recently (over the weekend perhaps, or longer than that) been under the influence of ASM which that evening had all but worn off.

The last time I spoke to Dawn was Tuesday evening (4 December 2007) and I told her then about the man I had met that morning at Stourbridge bus station, after I had walked during the night (that is the night of 3/4 December 2007) from Kingswinford to Stourbridge and suffered hypnosis on the way, when I lay down and dozed off under a canal bridge. (Later that morning - about 7 am - I walked back, from Stourbridge to Kingswinford.)

At 02:30 on Tuesday morning I wrote: ‘I’ve completely lost track of what I was on about, as a result I think of drugs in the tapwater I have used to make a cup of tea. God knows why these drugs are in the tapwater. To complain about these, I must go out to a payphone. I can’t think clearly but this would be a cost to the perpetrators. Probably the drugs are there to enable hypnosis to be perpetrated. How can I guard against that? What I am most disinclined to do - or was an hour or two back and I can almost remember the reasons - ’. Hence drugs in the tapwater, plus hypnosis (hypnosis probably committed at an earlier time or date: in fact probably back in Nottinghamshire to try to guard against this eventuality of me returning to Kingswinford), were what led me on that unnecessary and wastefully wearing walk from Kingswinford to Stourbridge.

Around 6 pm on Tuesday (4 December 2007) I thought I suffered hypnosis. There was anyway some hypnotic effect, possibly post-hypnotic (based on the hypnosis committed under the canal bridge), which led me to write down (in a diary entry timed 04/12/07 18:01) what was uppermost in my mind then. (My conclusion from calculations shown below is that the feeling I was hypnotised by the TV, and the truth-drug type effect of me writing down what was in my mind, were consequences of an opium-like drug in crisps I ate for tea late afternoon on Tuesday.)

Around tea-time on Wednesday 5 December 2007 I slept for two hours, substantially ‘sleeping off’ the drugs in my metabolism. That morning I had written angry words on being unfairly taken advantage of. (Looking at my various diary entries, and recalling how ‘deathly tired’ I felt after tea yesterday evening, I must conclude that probably there is a non-ASM sedative drug with powerful but short-lived effects on myself in the Clover spread I have been trusting and of which a fair amount remains.)

Thursday night (6/7 December 2007) there was evidence (which I discovered Friday morning) that someone had been in the back garden here at the bungalow. Friday night and last night I had procedures in place to detect hypnotic voicing (and entry into the garden). Yesterday (Saturday) I managed to lock myself out of the house and had to effect entry, which I have no doubt was a scenario contrived (and presumably it depended on hypnosis committed Thursday night by the illicit entrants to the back garden) to give me to doubt my security here at the bungalow. (I locked myself out because the coat I had on Friday - when I went shopping at Sainsbury’s Wolverhampton evidently under hypnotic influence, again the hypnosis committed Thursday night - I had changed for my Saturday morning outing. The latter ‘Saturday morning’ coat proved yesterday to be faulty, which previously it never has. It was got at at some point recently, and my best guess - although I can’t be sure what I was wearing, but I suspect it was the coat I’m on about - is that it was under the canal bridge in the early hours of Tuesday. The alternative - which I suppose is faintly possible [this estimate of probability revised below] - is that the bungalow was entered while I was out under hypnotic influence Friday. One corollary I am supposed to deduce is that it is better to stick to the overcoat which the keys were left in and eschew the now faulty ‘Saturday morning’ anorak.)

I have learnt from this mental ‘processing’ (which, to ram it home, I could not have done debilitated by ASM) one certain piece of knowledge, viz that I can be hypnotised while sleeping at the bungalow if illicit entry can be gained to the back garden (and almost certainly, only if such entry can be gained).

On Wednesday night (5 December 2007) I ate some crisps from a packet I had bought (a day or two earlier, I think) from a wine shop in Kingswinford. Because my mind was otherwise clear, I noticed that the crisps contained drugs (and so presumably do the remaining packets - except of course if the bungalow was indeed entered on Friday, which I am beginning to estimate as likely - which I have been chucking over the fence).

I seem to have bought the crisps on Tuesday 4 December 2007 - in the afternoon, still affected by the ‘canal bridge’ hypnosis of early Tuesday morning - and because I attributed the effects from the crisps to drugs in a bottle of Tio Pepe I also bought, it has cost me a most likely undrugged bottle of Tio Pepe (chucked, I mean). However, it seems worth risking the crisps again now - saving money on food - because now I reflect almost certainly they have been replaced by undrugged equivalents, as it became known I was chucking packets over the fence to the possible detriment of passers-by and their dogs.

I point out how advantageous in the hunt for food is the processing power of the frontal brain in homo sapiens.

About midnight on Wednesday night I finalised the first website update since I had left Nottinghamshire and it was uploaded seemingly by just after 1 am Thursday (6 December 2007) even though my copy locally is called Uploaded version 2007-12-05. The last diary entry in that uploaded version was 06/12/07 00:07 [Thursday] in which I explained that I knew the crisps contained drugs and the unfortunate effects of those drugs including ‘a strong feeling of anger, even rage’ (but only a temporary feeling). This would give motivation for the removal of the offensive crisps, and I am even more certain they were removed on Friday by illicit entrants. On Friday I suffered ASM (given at some cost to the State in the tapwater and therefore mostly down the drain and therefore regrettably a cheapo old drug giving me unpleasant side-effects) resulting naturally in deletion of Friday’s diary and that for later on Thursday.

On Wednesday about 6.30 pm I had written:

This would have been read when uploaded midnight at the end of Wednesday (taking till about 1 am Thursday in fact) and would have further motivated taking advantage while it was possible (ie before I fixed the light and put other measures in place) of the darkness of night to hypnotise me, that is into going to Wolverhampton Friday to Sainsbury’s and elsewhere (in a coat I left the keys in).

In fact I see there has only been one update uploaded since that one (emended further around 9.30 am Thursday morning), and this was yesterday evening (although I had intended to put it up yesterday morning but became diverted into trying to ascertain what funds were available and into trying to incur cost for NatWest). I imagine that the Authorities are now finally convinced that I genuinely do not want to be drugged.

09/12/07 13:21

What I have got into now is trying to understand the last figures I obtained from NatWest - the online service on Wednesday 7 November 2007 and a mini-statement obtained 04/12/2007 19:51:17 - the originating reason being to try to determine the balance without having to write or phone and ask for a statement (which however I could do even on a Sunday, and may do if only to trouble them). I must say I am reluctant to go in and ask in person - or at least this past week I was - because my mind was confused by drugs and hypnosis. It still is (by the residual effects of hypnosis) but it is clarifying as I put in (as yet unpaid) work. You could say that what I am doing is examining and trying to resolve the internal inconsistencies in my understanding of the NatWest figures to arrive at a proper internal model, and so I am. But ordinarily one can rely on the bank to do these things for one without any trouble. The blame attaches more to the druggists and hypnotisers than to NatWest bank, but I feel sure NatWest have some culpability as they must have provided numbers because part of my confusion depends on the specific numbers. And of course the online service has broken down and will not let me access my own bank details but only - improperly - those of a person with a similar name in Bristol.

Let me say as regards my own involvement: I find it most unpleasant to be confused in my mind, especially by drugs but also by the distractive hypnosis, and I cannot believe anyone thinks that doing this to me does not warrant monetary payment to me.

09/12/07 17:48

I must now believe the following barely believable story. To whatever degree Armond decided I was or had become genuinely schizophrenic - he clearly became alarmed when he found I was or had been suicidal, and this depression he would seek to explain as a genuine illness I already suffered, and in fact that antischizophrenic treatment was appropriate for it (even though the primary symptom was depression) - he was able to continue my treatment by virtue of the stilling effect of antischizophrenic drugs (and the fact that I couldn’t understand what had been going on and believed Armond had infinite power, almost of life or death over me and certainly power to detain me will-he nill-he) and he did continue it, while barely exposing himself to me or me - in my distress - to him. I still can’t answer the question to what extent he has hidden from others the fact that I was given amphetamine or a similar stimulant: I have always supposed there must have been some supervision required in giving such drugs, but it might not be so: doctors do sometimes inappropriately prescribe euphoriant drugs or tranquillisers to themselves. (But you have to set against that the fact that almost certainly many other people - such as Radio 1 DJs and Kate Bush - must have had some awareness what was going on.)

When Armond passed on and Kurian arrived, it was as I have said a matter of, ‘Keep taking the tablets’. And so it has been since, when I lived in Bassetlaw. Dr G - about the least Originally Sinning psychiatrist I have met - seems to me to have written himself off my case not for the same reason as Armond, but because he (Dr G) could see how unlikely it was I genuinely was schizophrenic. I suspect there was so much double-think going on around 2005 among those then playing the part of the Authorities - trying one way or another to maintain the pretence that I was schizophrenic - that Dr G could do nothing better for me but to extricate himself. (As I have also hazarded, a major motivation among those employed in The Experiment in 2004 and 2005 must have been to perpetuate their own employment. The nurse assigned to me in 2005 - good bloke he is although an ex-miner who detests Mrs Thatcher and whom I guess to be the present Ward Manager up there - knew full well that I did not require medication, but as he said he was instructed from above.) The people who follow me about now and look miserable when I don’t do the right thing - when I don’t go to Nottinghamshire for example - are these 2005 Authorities, or their direct successors. As I said at least of Armond, hanging is too good.

Therefore when through 2006 I was being more or less compelled to take medication (in varying dosages for investigative purposes, but always genuine medication) it was believed that (the double-think saying I had a genuine underlying schizophrenia) this medication was the best thing for me; and even if I wasn’t schizophrenic in quite the ordinary way, well I wasn’t complaining so the medication couldn’t be doing me much harm. Of course I did complain through my website, and then in the letter I wrote Eid on 16 May 2006 and later one to Kurian on 11 July 2006. I imagine that my kicking up relatively a fuss in the first half of 2006 or so has led to the present events, probably from the starting point of testing out what I said, that the medication itself debilitated me from adequately complaining about it or resisting it. Here is the relative fuss I started kicking up (as soon as the injections ceased to be genuine or certainly to be the genuine dosage, I should think in early February 2006):

07:39 23/02/2006 [Friday]

Explaining what one is doing as one is doing it is an overhead which may interfere. Talking to oneself introspectively about what one is doing as one is doing it is also an overhead. Some people find the first easier, some the second. To cut down the processing task at the time, one can explain oneself (to oneself or to others) after the event. This may be done in writing - as a diary entry to oneself or in some published form for others. It is possible to combine the two now we have the phenomenon of blogging.

To discuss or negotiate with others about what one is doing - even in a ‘trance’ state - is an overhead which I find most taxing and distracting. I don’t like being told what to do or - as I see it - tricked by specious persuasion. I have been distracted - evidently by ‘hypnotising’ advisers - from the central task presently in my life, which is to pursue the people responsible for blighting my life in the decades between 1980 (or before) and 2003.

08:19 23/02/2006

There is by no means any guarantee that an assessment is going on of the value of all the unpleasure I have endured consequent on ‘the Experiment’. I suspect that to get me to do stuff so that the activity can be used as a basis for psychological theorising and at the same time valued for compensation purposes (not even necessarily in money) things are not being done for me - that is they are not ’fessing up and paying up.

As far as I am concerned there can be no compensation and to make me endure further unpleasure (such as the other night in Bassetlaw CCU) is simply adding to the injury. I was led to CCU by specious persuasion in the form of advice from Dr G combined (I strongly suspect) with drugs (possibly in the marmalade) which affected my heart. I was given absurdly inappropriate drugs when I was there - that is amphetamine. I suspect also my thinking prior to allowing myself to be admitted was distorted by nighttime ‘hypnosis’ at home in Worksop.

My aims are:

1. Stop the drugging.

2. Stop the ‘hypnosis’.

3. Pursue the miscreants from the past.

09/12/07 18:53

I’ve got abstracted in reading my diary of 2006 trying (originally) to find the letter I wrote Eid. My eyes are unnaturally tired (so early) and my head feels hot: I have ingested a drug, possibly one to make hypnosis easier possibly that is opium or related. My best guess is that the drug is in the Branston brown sauce I put on my rice at tea-time say two hours ago, and was put into the sauce on Friday by the now almost certain illicit entrants. If this is so I should have had this hot tiredness on Friday evening and yesterday (as well as tonight) but not Thursday (unless then I took the drug in some other format). (Unfortunately I have not retained my diary notes from the relevant days.)

This is not the same drug as was in the crisps earlier though. That made me produce words at a rate and think in terms of communicating them to other people: as the words came to mind - or rather the ideas forming the basis for the words - there came to mind in the same instant the notion of writing them down as a means of explaining to other people. In another context this effect must be what has led me to talk out loud as if to someone I am explaining to, even if no such person seems to be present.

Now I have said it, precisely that effect seems to be starting up. I am typing at a rate, and although I don’t know, I imagine if I went and sat down there would be an urge to express my ideas in words, either written (coming back to the computer to do so) or spoken - at higher dosages I might well speak aloud even if no one is about; and to be honest with you I think there may well be microphones trained on the bungalow because this final phase (hopefully final) of The Experiment entails a deliberate attempt to take advantage of me - but without any hurt to me, except possibly embarrassment - that is to alter my behaviour from what it would be. Because I have said I am determined not to go to Nottinghamshire, that will be one major aim - to get me to go to Nottinghamshire. (Of course there are reasons - the cost of the preparations - why the Authorities, if I may still use the abbreviation, would benefit from me being in Nottinghamshire.) So to hear my words by eavesdropping - and although I have suspected this on occasions in the past, this time (through December probably) there is no doubt in my mind - is a great advantage to the Army cadets (or whoever it is) charged to perpetrate these doings.

The conclusion is that this is the same drug as in the crisps, but whether because of an additive effect to that I took in the crisps, or simply a higher dosage in itself, this recent ingestion is having a greater effect (of making my eyes tired). I have to say I no longer feel any paranoia about the matter, even indeed about going to Nottinghamshire (which I may do for a quiet life - if I can afford it - or as a surprise to all concerned or whatever). The reason I do not feel paranoid is that I understand so well now what goes on and how. I am hypnotised only if I first nod off - this possibly encouraged by drugs along the lines of opium (but not other sleeping medications - say Temazepam - which do not have the same effects on the relevant parts of the brain) - and the effects which can be produced by the hypnosis consist merely of ideas - often words, but also motions of the body or rather commencements of motions - arising in my mind if certain post-hypnotic triggers occur (just the same as one thing reminding you of another in the ordinary way, but a more powerful effect I think if induced hypnotically, and possibly the associations quicker ‘learnt’ by the subject when ‘asleep’, and of course unknown to his conscious understanding which may cause embarrassment eg if he - or I - become confused or say something not quite appropriate which has been cued by the post-hypnotic trigger). I still say it is wrong to hypnotise someone without their knowledge and consent in advance, because it wastes their time thinking things it may not be appropriate or efficient to be thinking - in other words distractive ideas and words arise (or motions of the body) - but I no longer have such a vigorous objection (the latter mainly because I am working in the presumption these interferences are time-limited and I shall not be improperly spoken to in my sleep forever and a day even if I am unsuccessful in physically preventing access to my hearing while I am asleep - no longer than a week or two more, I hope).

Thinking of ‘commencements of motions of the body’: I certainly recall my body commencing to proceed to various hospitals - a case in point was the Hallamshire in Sheffield sometime in 2005 - but my deciding the better part of valour was to turn back. The thing is, not only is it an unfair distraction or confusion when motions of the body - or words, or inappropriate or inefficient ideas - arise which one has not consented to learn the associations triggering (because they have been spoken without one consenting to be within hearing, like listening to repeated propaganda on TV and radio such as the Government broadcast when monetary decimalisation was imminent; or the Queen’s Speech at Christmas sorry to say, or a Political Broadcast; however again nowadays multiplicity is a damn good thing and not every TV channel - surely? - carries the Queen’s Speech at 3 pm), but further once a train - of motion say - has commenced, it may be more costly (embarrassing, perhaps) to stop it in its tracks than to follow it through.

09/12/07 20:04

I can’t be sure of everything hypnosis can do, and in particular not its seeming distortion of my number sense. I think a drug must have played a major [or the sole] part in that, and would suspect ASM of being the class of drug which does it - by interfering with the assistance seriatim overviewing can provide in cases of confusion such as (this quite frequent) offsets due to counting from zero and not from one. (The very fact that I can state the problem in such a succinct way is evidence my seriatim is OK at present.)

I must just say - as it presents itself to me now as of considerable interest - that the difference between counting from zero and counting from one is an example of relative measurement, and confusion arises when relative measurements are employed as a pair because one can think either from the point of view of (let’s call it) A of the pair, or from the point of view of B. Exactly this sort of confusion arises in the minds of many students learning about centripetal as opposed to centrifugal force. Children who have been on roundabouts - or the fast-spinning mechanised versions at theme parks - are accustomed to think of the force which arises from rotation as being a force pressing outwards - that is the centrifugal force. If one uses a rotating polar co-ordinate system I believe there is a way of doing calculations making use of the concept of centrifugal force. However, the way I learnt it was somewhat counter-intuitive. An object going round something else - the moon around the Earth, say - has to have something preventing it going off in a straight line (the tangent). Swinging a conker round on a string, that ‘something’ is the tension in the string. In the case of the moon it’s gravity. But these forces of tension or other attraction are inwards, not outwards. The centripetal force is the force as regarded from the static co-ordinate system of the surrounding universe, and must be inwards to constrain the rotating object not to fly off in a straight line. Indeed the basis of it is that the co-ordinate system in use is one of straight lines not rotating with the object.

Thinking about it, my slighter confusion of earlier today when I was trying to make sense of NatWest’s figures (slighter due to lower dosage, but still of ASM in the tapwater) had the same origin: relative measurements each in a way equivalent, as mirror images; that is in money calculations debits and credits. If I am in credit at the bank the bank is a debtor to me. If being someone who thinks a lot about what other people might be thinking (or feeling) that is schizo, I think myself into the bank’s shoes out of my own, I may well get confused - and especially if the effective availability of my seriatim is reduced for whatever reason - between credits and debits.

09/12/07 20:27

I must just say this as well, because this also interests me, that fools are or have been allowed to perpetrate hypnosis and drugging on me and then ask ridiculous questions which have no meaning when I am debilitated by drugs and hypnosis. One day in 2005 - I think it must have been 2005 - Dawn and I spent a few hours at Doncaster train station (which is what they call railway stations these days). Afterwards the fools of hypnotisers enquired what goals we had ticked off the to-do list by our trip to the railway station. The sole reason we had gone - if you can call it a reason under the circumstances (of debilitation by drugs I think a mixture of stimulant with ASM) - was to sow confusion and to pass a little time in different surroundings. I was unable to form any goals still less a plan to accomplish goals debilitated as I was.

09/12/07 21:49