January 2008.

I got up say three-quarters of an hour ago and Dawn got up possibly twenty minutes ago. She asked me what was the matter, evidently discerning that I was out of sorts. My answer, which so succinctly expresses what is of relevance that I reproduce it here, was, ‘Physical discomfort, and the fact that I keep being drugged, and the fact that I have to waste time and be distracted thinking how to evade the drugging.’ I feel better now - say twenty minutes later - than I did then, almost certainly because the seriatim has woken up better (having lagged unnaturally due to drugs I took in yesterday) and can process with less distressing effort on such questions as evading drugs. Also the physical discomfort has abated somewhat, for example through expelling what my Dad used to call trapped wind.

Yesterday I suffered ingestion of an antischizophrenic drug as a result of which recent diary entries have been deleted irretrievably. When the drug was acting on me at its worst I lay in bed in a condition evidently resembling sleep (in that Dawn asked me later if I felt better after my sleep), this from say 6 pm yesterday to 7.30 pm. Preceding the sleep - in fact before getting home from Dudley - I had felt unhappy, this unhappiness exacerbated when I realised the cause of it was ingestion yet again - despite my protestations - of an antischizophrenic drug. As the drug wore off around the time I was eating my tea (about 8 pm) I was thinking that despite being deactivated I should like to take action to deter the giving of antischizophrenic drugs, and as I was deactivated that is little active physically and little able to plan in any useful sense it would have to be by some ‘spoiling’ means taking advantage of the relative ease with which acts akin to vandalism can be perpetrated (such as in similar circumstances in the past chucking expensive stuff in the canal). The resultant action I took was deletion of recent diary entries, still not at all sure it would be effective but it cost me little - and seems most unlikely to encourage the giving of antischizophrenic drugs - so was done.

The first idea that has occurred to me this morning to try to evade being drugged was to write to my MP Ian Pearson asking him to intervene with the authorisers of the drugging. Apart from the effort of putting together and despatching a letter - bearing in mind my computer printers at home (both Hewlett-Packard) are not working - the only deterrent I can think of facing me (because I do not feel inclined to jump at the chance to do this) - apart possibly from the effect of discouraging words in my sleep in the past - is that I might use my ammunition without adequate preparation, that is I might not have much success if the first time I did not have success because writing time and again I might be regarded as crying wolf. I do not realistically anticipate having success because the normal course I might follow of instructing solicitors to act on my behalf - in complaining about the drugging and getting it stopped, and in obtaining compensation for what I have suffered in the past - is almost certainly interfered with by ‘the Authorities’ leaning on solicitor firms (evidenced by the behaviour of our previous solicitors now sacked, that is the firm of Waldrons, and also now the new solicitors we are hoping to recruit). Complaining to police has also produced no reasonable help from them.

So what is left to me in the first instance is to try to obtain safe food and drink and thereby physically evade the supply of drugs. This understanding followed my reflecting that when I returned south from Doncaster - Monday 3 December 2007 - I was in a very happy condition of mind, and the situation has deteriorated since because I have taken in drugs in food and drink bought locally to Kingswinford. The way to go perhaps is to go unpredictably every so often to some randomly chosen fairly remote place and purchase food and drink for a number of weeks, bring it home and arrange to inevitably detect any interference with - that is access to - the stock of food and drink. This is what I have been trying to do - for example in travelling to Birmingham to procure water - but without a thorough-going plan taking into account possible eventualities.

Locking foodstuffs in a cupboard and sealing it with a superglued banknote - despite discouragement from Dawn - is an almost certain way of ensuring the foods are not accessed without its becoming clear access has been gained, and would cost only £5 every few weeks (per cupboard). Apart from that I need to continue to try to develop a foolproof electrical or electronic method of detection.

05/01/08 05:02

I mention that this is a newly installed Windows and still the touchpad oversensitivity leading to mistaken selection of swathes of text is in evidence. The most likely cause seems to be the WD Sync software if not mere insertion of the WD drive and thereby installation of possibly false driver software.

05/01/08 05:08

I mention that installation of VB6 and MSDN 6.0a (I’m not sure why it is referenced 6.0a) from the WD drive has gone without a hitch. In previous reinstallations MSDN has failed to install due to loss or non-availability of files, possibly simply from a frequent problem that is pathlength. Windows (certainly XP) simply omits without comment files with too-long pathlengths, for example when copying.

The most problematic drug yesterday I believe came from a Strepsil I took mid-afternoon. If by the mechanism above - locking all foods that is everything to be taken by mouth in a cupboard - I hope to avoid such one-off druggings, I would have to include in the stock such items as Strepsils (and all medications such as Paracetamol) unless I can be sure always to resist any desire to take them. In June 2007 I was resisting such desire (for Paracetamol), even though I had severe headache. But yesterday my guard was down and I did not have recent motivation to put up with discomfort which might be eased by such a means as a Strepsil. It’s very difficult to foresee being able always to deny myself the possibility of relief in that way, in order to avoid the risk of improper content in the Strepsil or similar.

05/01/08 05:39

I have been trying to think back to where the Strepsils were bought, and Dawn and I both think they were bought at Asda Merry Hill which we last visited we think sometime before Christmas. I’m wondering if Strepsils containing antischizophrenic drugs were supplied following my comments of Monday 10 December 2007 - see under 10/12/07 09:29: I will write this down - and it has a high probability of getting onto my website early rather than late - because I think it should help schizophrenics (or anyone) treated with these terrible antischizophrenic drugs to avoid being given them so haphazardly or even lackadaisically. What I had in mind when writing that and then publishing it (having taken in some minute dosage of an antischizophrenic drug by some means such as accidentally watering it down, so that - accidentally - the effects were exceptionally short-lived) was to expose how terrible the effects are, not at all imagining this might lead to me being foisted more.

Publishing the above (today’s diary) at an early date should have the effect of deterring the foisting of antischizophrenic drugs because unlike the entry of Monday 10 December 2007 it does not give information on any effects of the drugs but exposes clearly my detestation, and the adverse results - hopefully adverse for the Authorities in deletion of diary entries - which might well follow any future foisting.

05/01/08 05:52

The relevant diary entry of Monday 10 December 2007 was first published the same evening - Monday 10 December 2007 - at a time when from the number of website updates I must have been being encouraged hypnotically to issue updates. On Tuesday 11 December 2007 I was eating bananas which evidently contained some drug (which I was calling opium) whose purpose was to effectivise hypnotic words spoken in my sleep (eg when I was in bed at home, even). It seems very likely that a shopping trip to Asda Merry Hill I made on Wednesday 12 December 2007 had been encouraged hypnotically, and that that was the occasion the Strepsils were purchased.

05/01/08 09:00

[See below for a reconsideration of the hypotheses in this paragraph.] Earlier this morning I was made unpleasantly sleepy - but this later successfully countered by evidently a stimulant drug (evidenced by suddenly and briefly elevated libido) - which at the time I thought might have been due to bread I ate. However the same effects now seem to be noticeable on drinking (say half an hour ago or near) half a cup of tea the same as earlier made with water left here unattended yesterday, a tea-bag and (most suspect) sugar retained from a while back and mostly eschewed when drinking tea lately (from which I conclude that the occasional symptoms seemingly resulting may correspond to occasional use of the sugar, although I have not specifically noted a correlation each time).

05/01/08 14:12

This morning we went to Stourbridge by bus but had to walk back due to shortage of funds. When we got home I was for a while unnaturally tired, or rather tired in a way which unnaturally related to sleepiness. Before we went I was also tired in a way related to sleepiness on and off, even after the particularly high level of sleepiness which drove both Dawn and myself back to bed around say 7 am. As I said above, I suspected these effects involving sleepiness might have been due to drugs in drinks taken this morning, but as I have continued to take the same drinks (except without any sugar) and the effects have lessened - including the tiredness after our walk which initially I thought might send me again back to bed but it didn’t - I conclude these effects are in fact after-effects of yesterday’s ASM (presumably in the Strepsil, the remaining seven of which I despatched down the toilet). It is possible the sugar I used earlier contained drugs, but as Dawn has since had some of it without becoming unduly sleepy (or being affected in any way that I can detect) I conclude most likely it didn’t and doesn’t.

The reason we went to Stourbridge was to pay into our new Abbey account warrants which had arrived in the post from National Savings. One of these represents cashing-in part of a bond which I had to do - at a cost in lost interest - because of the failure of our monthly interest to arrive at the end of December, and I requested a direct credit to the Abbey account so that the money would be available Monday (say) instead of now Thursday (due to the warrants having to clear). It’s difficult to believe this failure to make a direct credit was other than because we are a special case (as seemed evident when Dawn phoned National Savings recently) but whether they were being deliberately difficult (in sending a warrant instead) or thought they were helping us in some way I can’t be sure. While in Stourbridge we investigated the failure of interest to be credited at the end of December from the West Bromwich Building Society, and it turned out that the wrong sort code had been input. A five-digit number had been input and as I said to the man at Stourbridge investigating it for us I am surprised the West Bromwich computer system doesn’t verify such inputs better. This money has now been added to the bond capital and so we are over £100 down in monthly income for December. Again it’s difficult to believe - in the face of coincidence with the other failures - that this was a naturally occurring error, but on the other hand who at the West Bromwich might have deliberately manufactured it and for what reason - bearing in mind that we are unlikely to make use of their services for any future investments and it may be their failure will become more widely known - I don’t know.

Top

06/01/08 02:23 [Sunday]

I’m not quite sure why, but I have been thinking since I woke up about what you might call economic evolution again. The starting point was something always strong in my mind things being the way they are, that is the advantage taken of me - and ‘the little man’ in general - by big organisations and in particular the State as I tend to term the government and its functionaries. One thing I note - another thing seemingly always high in my mind, probably simply from the large frequency of observation one can’t help making of products Made in China - is the evident surge in the strength and influence of the economy of the People’s Republic of China.

The first fact in trying to sort out my ideas better is that Britain was a major economic power - possibly the major economic power - in the nineteenth century, and latterly the United States has been. What was the explanation there? The explanation was the effectiveness of the operation of a free market. If things are in arrangement (meaning to imply no-one not even government has done the arranging) so that people can benefit themselves by putting in effort themselves, they are (on average) motivated to do so with the result that they - and the country in which this takes place - prosper. The reason (I conjecture) China is particularly having success now is the effect of change. In other words because there is a change taking place in China from the old way (or at least the way since Chairman Mao: I don’t know a great deal about Chinese history) of State control to the new way of market freedom, the free market is particularly effective. People who newly find that they can make profit for themselves by putting in effort are doing so with a vengeance.

How then do we explain the relative decline in the British economy since the nineteenth century? As far as I can see, when a country is having great economic success, surpluses are built up so that people have more than enough for themselves (on average). If people have more than enough for themselves, what are they going to do with even more they accrue? Because very few people get pleasure from hurting others, and most people get some degree of pleasure from helping others (if they are secure themselves), what they are going to do is spend the extra on what they think is help for others (that is, in the main, other people, although animal charities - and animal ‘welfare’ more generally - also benefit). Also, big organisations are going to become more predominant, because when small firms have success they take over or merge with other firms (the reason being the ambition of types who become managers for more power in the sense of wider influence). Also, government turns from small government to big government, because the State has legislative power to enforce say taxes, and State functionaries - and legislators to a degree, with individual variation as in the Thatcher case - have motivation not only to perpetuate their own employment but to use the power they have (as I say, being secure themselves) to help other people (giving that is what they think of as help). Individuals who have more than enough for their own needs don’t kick up too much fuss about the rising tax burden as a proportion of national income. (People having money to waste explains also the prevalence of inflation in successful economies: people are not going to struggle to save a penny by paying rather less for a good bargain if pennies don’t matter two hoots to them.)

If this analysis is correct, it seems to follow that even in the United States small government will become over time big government (with an effect from the geographic extent of the country, that is people can opt out to a degree - unless and until the population becomes very much larger - from Society and from government influence: as did the Charles Manson ‘Family’ up to a point, feeding themselves on out-of-date surplus thrown out by supermarkets; and others I know less about such as the Amish).

It’s good to be able to think. It’s better to be able to think than to talk. BT are in the wrong again.

06/01/08 05:07

Reading through my diary for yesterday and today so far, in preparing a website update, I make a connection between Dawn’s unhappiness before bedtime last night and the fact I report - which in trying to understand her condition last night I overlooked - that she took some of the sugar in the afternoon which had seemed possibly drugged in the morning, from its effect on me. I can’t be sure though one way or the other whether the sugar is drugged. My best guess last night was that Dawn’s prescribed risperidone tablets were having a worse effect of depressing her mood because stimulant drugs previously in the tapwater (up to yesterday morning, seemingly, given Dawn’s responses after taking tapwater) were no longer in it.

06/01/08 07:11

I’m asking myself (as I adjust one or two of my VB progs following on deficiencies I noticed in preparing the website update) whether my unpleasant condition the evening before last was caused not by a Strepsil but by sugar I had started taking two days ago in the daytime or possibly the day before that. This sugar has been retained from quite a while back. There are various differences between Dawn and myself, and even though she has had less of the sugar in question than I took it might still have reduced her serotonin level quite a lot (causing depressed mood last night) and might cause her to sleep longer (compared to its effect on myself). The effect on myself was - if it was due to drugs in that sugar - in the main to generate anger and resumed resentment.

06/01/08 08:30

Fiddling about with a picture processing VB prog, I find that a Twip at 1/20 of a point carries the implication that a ‘point’ in the printing trade is 1/72 of an inch. I wonder if this use of the word point could be taken to imply that standard ‘dot matrix’ printing was done using equipment with 72 ‘dots’ to each inch (vertically and horizontally). Nowadays 72 dpi would be regarded as quite poor resolution.

If you think about the human eye, to use a measure in dpi has no meaning, because the retinal cells respond each to a ‘cone’ of light that is cover a certain solid angle. This corresponds to holding a dot-printed document very close which would enable the human eye (if not defective) to see the individual dots. To get some sort of comparability between the measures used in printing and a measure of resolution of the human eye you’d need to imagine an A4 document (say) held at such a distance as to entirely fill the visual field.

I used to have in my data bank - in my brain that is - the count of the number of cells estimated to be present in the human retina. I have a feeling it’s supposed to be of the order 100,000,000 (compared to a count of neurons in the human brain of the order 1,000,000,000,000 that is one trillion in the American usage). If an A4 document is about 11 inches by 8 inches, then at 72 dpi that amounts to around 500,000 dots. The resolution available from the retina varies - there is higher resolution (and colour-enabled) towards the centre - but 24-bit colour implying over 15,000,000 differentiable colours then 500,000 dots all distinguishable in full colour would require getting on for 1.0E13 (ten to the power 13) binary units. Given that each neuron may well have many synapses associated and there is analogue variability in the synaptic transmissions (implemented as concentration - and possibly differentiation of type - of neurotransmitter) then it seems likely the 1.0E8 (if I have that estimate right) cells in the retina could just about fail to distinguish coloured dots in an A4 document filling the visual field.

06/01/08 11:39

Having quite enjoyed updating my website this morning and envisaging further development I might introduce which would give me interest, I ask myself how it comes that I did not update it between Wednesday 19 December 2007 and this morning, Sunday 6 January 2008. The answer surely has a lot to do with drugs I didn’t manage to evade over Christmas, these drugs being of a sedative nature and reducing the enthusiasm I had for life in all aspects. To what degree ASM was included - some of the time it was, surely, but whether all of the time I can’t tell - and to what degree the drugs were given in order to facilitate hypnotic suggestion - another basis on which some of the drugs I have suffered over the Christmas period were given without doubt - again I can’t be sure. My best guess why Dawn was detained, and as a reason for other events including some of the hypnotic suggestions, is that I was wanted - it would have suited The Experiment better to have me - in Nottinghamshire. The reason in turn for that may well be (my best guess) that costly procedures were in place in Nottinghamshire - possibly involving Nottinghamshire police, to whom I have often been referred and often unreasonably by other police forces, and possibly Bassetlaw Hospital (to which I was forcibly conveyed from Bristol, again contrary to all reason, in September 2004) - which have been almost wholly wasted by my absence at the time or times expected. One must bear in mind that putting in place these procedures would have taken some organisational effort (and cost) over a period of months or even years from say late 2005 (in early 2006 Dr G at Bassetlaw was visibly dismayed that we decided to move to Kingswinford). To try to save these costs - costs decided on foolishly by a government-authorised body (‘the Authorities’) as cost is so often wasted by government appointees - the rules regarding detention under the Mental Health Act were twisted in detaining Dawn in December, and I was detained by police the same Sunday (2 December 2007) - Nottinghamshire police - wholly unreasonably for assessment as a possible mental case but the twisting of proper procedure was not carried so far as to forcibly detain me longer under the Mental Act.

Having explained to myself there that in all likelihood what was done was vigorously towards the end of getting me into Bassetlaw District over Christmas, I conclude most likely the drugs given here in Kingswinford when it turned out we were here instead were intended to keep us still while ‘the Authorities’ reassessed the situation. That may be a reason too why our funds have been caused to fail.

I have been reading through my Character Recognition page in preparing the website update - and since preparing it - and I can see how damn clever the ideas I present are. I can’t tell though whether anyone else who has read it can tell this so surely, and suspect - even presume - the people determining that I should be drugged and deprived of freedom to a degree (for example in being urged towards Nottinghamshire, which everyone sensible would agree was a considerable distraction for me this past month: indeed what in the past I have called unfair influence) believe that there are other uses which could be made of me - advantage taken of me, that is - other than what I myself would choose to do (a large part of which would be computer modelling of pattern recognition by neural structures).

I have also been thinking what it is I profit from maintaining a website - originally it was, and basically still is, enjoyment of seeing one’s name (and written-down ideas) ‘in lights’: the reason people pay to have books published which they have authored - including how it developed and (as I said) what I might include in it besides my blog.

Also I have had some thoughts on the erroneous behaviour of my Rich Text Editor - now got worse in that paragraph spacing is also undermined - thinking that it isn’t magic: there is some flawed file or files at the basis of it, either within my version of VB or in system software called by my progs.

06/01/08 15:08

I think the paragraph-spacing flaw might have been inherent in my program coding, because looking into the program code this afternoon I find it was a not-quite-complete mess. I have now corrected the flaw in the fixing of paragraph spacing. The smart-quote problem must surely have been artificially introduced, as actual bytes (or rather byte-pairs for Unicode) are being altered to change smart quotes back into straight quotes [but see below, under 08/01/08 06:23].

06/01/08 15:34

I have made a cup of tea for Dawn and myself and as I was boiling the kettle I realised a major motivation I had was dry mouth. Then I recalled I had drunk some hot chocolate earlier, and that I had become slightly confused in my VB programming. Also my eyes are presently something I would call sore. My memory of the sequence of events is incomplete (which itself is an indicator): I presume drugs in the hot chocolate caused the dry mouth and the mental confusion (including the confusion to memory).

Top

08/01/08 04:11 [Tuesday]

[...]

I can’t be at all sure what exactly The Experiment latterly (since 2003) is for, but I can be sure - there is various evidence, including the fact that Bristol police when I complained about being wrongly treated in their custody in September 2004 reported that the security firm committing the abuse (in conveying me to Bassetlaw) was in the employ of the Health Service - that it is organised by the State health service, that is the NHS. It is entirely possible that all decisions are taken by officials without any specific permission from political - that is democratically accountable - authorisers. Officials working in the State health service are very likely to believe that provision of healthcare by the State - through their department, basically - is as good as patients might hope to get, that private healthcare is there merely for cosmetic procedures, and that this is so even to the extent that State-employed medical practitioners are sufficiently expert to be trusted to know when patients should be foisted medication or compelled to have treatment. Sorry to say these presumptions are in the main mistaken. Lately some body - possibly within the State health service itself, even: or more likely an independent body commissioned by the State health service after officials decided my complaints should be dealt with in some way (this possibly the reason Zoë’s purported boyfriend was brought over from America in 2004) - must have been overseeing the excessive zeal of the original ideologues of late 2003 and early 2004. The arrangement of this independent scrutiny must have been given a boost by letters of complaint I wrote, eg the one about Bristol police, and that about Dawn’s detention in late 2005 beyond the time I as nearest relative ordered her discharge. In that detention Dawn successfully applied to a Mental Health Tribunal for reassessment of doctors’ decisions to detain her, but I myself did not - although it’s true the detainers encouraged me to, presumably to verify their own decision one way or the other - because I was distrustful when no legal assistance was forthcoming from a source chosen independently by myself.

08/01/08 05:15

I find it easy to delete yesterday’s diary but not today’s. Whether this is because I find yesterday’s pretty empty (because of the effect of ASM) or - more likely - today’s is closer and hence somehow more vital or vibrant in my mind I can’t be sure. I shall wait and expect to delete a lot of the above perhaps tomorrow.

08/01/08 06:23

Following the trail of possible distortion of the RichText DLL’s (or whatever) in my system, I find my VB can’t cope with reading-in an RTF file produced by latter-day MS Word. The RTF containing the following

\par \lquote

\par \rquote

\par \'93

\par \'94

\par \'b0

\par \u8721\'3f

\par \u8776\'98

gets read-in by VB in a fashion exposed by my RTF-to-HTML prog (as far as it goes) thus:

File starts with {

Tag 0:

\rtf1

Tag 1:

\fbidis

Tag 2:

\ansi

Tag 3:

\ansicpg1252

Tag 4:

\deff0

Tag 5:

\deflang2057

Tag 6:

\deflangfe205

{

Tag 0:

\fonttb

{

Tag 0:

\f0

Tag 1:

\froman

Tag 2:

\fprq2

Tag 3:

\fcharset0

Text:

Times New Roman;

}

[...]

Tag 0:

\par

Tag 0:

<WARNING: TAG CONTAINS NON-ALPHANUMERICS> thus: "'" (which converted to ASCII gives 92)

(THE CHARACTER CORRESPONDING TO ASCII 92 IS "\")

Tag 1:

\par

Tag 0:

<WARNING: TAG CONTAINS NON-ALPHANUMERICS> thus: "?" (which converted to ASCII gives 92)

(THE CHARACTER CORRESPONDING TO ASCII 92 IS "\")

Tag 1:

\par

Tag 0:

<WARNING: TAG CONTAINS NON-ALPHANUMERICS> thus: "?" (which converted to ASCII gives 92)

(THE CHARACTER CORRESPONDING TO ASCII 92 IS "\")

Tag 1:

\par

Tag 0:

<WARNING: TAG CONTAINS NON-ALPHANUMERICS> thus: "'" (which converted to ASCII gives 92)

(THE CHARACTER CORRESPONDING TO ASCII 92 IS "\")

Tag 1:

\par

Tag 0:

\par

Closing } in file

I conclude the 1998 version of VB doesn’t know to expect RTF ‘tags’ commencing \'.

Because my smart-quote fixing procedures replace straight quotes with Unicode characters for smart quotes (instead of with \lquote and \rquote) this might explain the difficulty with the prog. The 1998 VB might not be able to cope with reading in Unicode for lquote and rquote, any more than it can cope with the special characters above.

Top

12/01/08 [Wednesday]

Top

14/01/08 05:10 [Monday]

I have been pondering what sort of basis there is to the advantage taken of us, that is of myself in recent years and of Dawn and me since say 2005. If I am in a more paranoid condition (when I do not manage to evade combinations of drugs including ASM) I think in terms of the essential purpose behind what is being done being to find out stuff useful to the military, for example how to make effective use of persuasion techniques or even brainwashing to (in effect) alter a person’s Will (perhaps only temporarily), or how to use drugs such as antischizophrenic drugs again to affect Will as perhaps in reducing the morale or at least willingness to fight of enemy troops (say if it could be put into the form of a gas to be released from a canister dropped from the air or fired from an artillery piece). Amphetamine has in the past been used - and may still be used, for all I know - to give energy and clarity of thinking despite (otherwise) tiredness to troops on night missions.

How the facts about the basis of what is being done affect myself and Dawn has to do with the likelihood of methods being used which are improper; that is military thinkers pursuing military goals will be less nice in assessing hurt done to us, and less nice in considering our human rights regarding themselves as limited only really by the letter of the law (and some of the things done are so unusual that special legislation must have been enacted - for example to permit drugs to be put in our water supply and into foods sold in supermarkets - which does give us some protection, in that political authorisers will have better regard for our human rights than military thinkers). (The involvement of different government and local government agencies also implies there is special legislation in place, and surely it must have set up some sort of overseeing body like the Authorities I used to imagine existed in the time Armond and possibly a few others started the project originally of improving my lot by treating me as if for schizophrenia in the days - the late 1970s - when Socialism was of a different order and genuinely presumed the State could always through its power be a help to individuals.) In fact ‘the Authorities’ of the present time is a body so like what I used to imagine that I can’t help wondering if the origin of The Experiment in its present phase lay in guesses I put on my website in 2004 - and possibly additionally were learnt from interviewing me under the influence of a truth drug - what might be happening, or might have been happening in my life over the decades. I presume I explained (in truth-drugged interviews, as I do not recall putting this on my website) that what I thought had been happening was an investigation into schizophrenia in which a schizophrenic-like condition was induced in me, even in recent years when I had been given stimulant drugs to counter some of the debilitating effects of ASM but which I connected with the foisting of amphetamine in the early 1980s when it had been done for the more immediate purpose - and without monitoring the effects closely until I was in hospital and then it was only in the first say twenty-four hours as the amphetamine was later allowed to wear off - of finding an excuse to get me into hospital. On my website I put for example the following:

Wednesday 21 January 2004. 7.35 am.

Motivation. What I am going to write about is my motivation. It is quite a simple matter, which is good. I like to explain the complex in terms of the simple, having had scientific training.

I want to observe people doing things, except perhaps beating me up, cos I fear violence. If I can get information from people, through observing their behaviour or getting them to try to explain their behaviour, I am happy. I can then theorise about the bases of their behaviour and get achievement emotion from successfully interpreting it in my own terms. In other words I develop a system for, perhaps not predicting their behaviour in advance which would require a lot of resources, but interpreting it in hindsight. This successful ‘predicting’ by applying rules to the initial state to derive the outturn state, to be a bit abstract, gives rise as I say to achievement emotion.

Thursday 22 January 2004. 3.10 pm.

A fresh start? Well, I am losing my focus somewhat and pressure is lifting. I have drunk no coffee since last night; I do not like to say whether this is relevant. Things are going well; things will not go wrong. I deserve to give more consideration to Zoë and Kate Bush. I need to get two large bottles of Sprite: I may go to Asda. If I come again, I may write more practically.

5.30 pm. I have been thinking of this and that not to mention the other. I started out at purpose: sometimes it seems as if my life is directed: things happen, or seem to happen, as I have said elsewhere, for a hidden reason, the reason usually involving the understanding of schizophrenia.

Suppose then that some Authority wants to investigate motivated behaviour. (The immediate thing that occurs is why would they and don’t we seem to have got away from schizophrenia rather?) Anyway, suppose this Authority did. Now, I am largely without lust of result; I do have motivations (described the other day) but they are ‘obscure and intellectual’. So how is anyone going to motivate me in order to investigate the resulting behaviour?

What they would have to do is present as available to me what I want, which is actually plural, viz interesting people and the human mind, and tease me with them so that I pursued them. (What occurs is, how can they deprive me of my own mind, which is a major source of interest when nothing else is available? Well, they could give me antischizophrenic drugs, couldn’t they, but then I would not be capable of observing and analysing my own resulting behaviour.) (There may be something in this. As I said to Zoë recently, my overriding aim in life is to avoid or minimise antischizophrenic drug treatment. So they might present the threat in order to investigate my goal directed behaviour in seeking to avoid it.)

This is all very involved, and sounds frankly a trifle loony.

I notice that I have put up a hypothesis - ie suppose the Authority wants to investigate motivated behaviour - and got so interested in analysing what follows from it that I have almost forgotten that it is only a hypothesis.

I started thinking like this when I noticed the change in my mental condition as the coffee (let us call it) wore off. Now, I don’t think there can be any doubt even in my doubting mind that there has been a change as the coffee has worn off. I am less vigorously pursuing the matter of Zoë’s spending on phoning Jay. I am less vigorously pursuing the matter of Zoë all round.

So is it perhaps, or even presumably, just caffeine wearing off? To make sure whether this was the case, I suppose I would need to expose myself to an independent source of caffeine, or a randomly chosen series of independent sources, such as coffee bars. I can’t be bothered lol.

I find myself wondering if it is perhaps a known fact that schizophrenics will not perform those experiments which would prove their theories unfounded, for fear of being cast into turmoil? Anyway, it is fairly clear that I am in a strange state of mind, whatever the cause of it is.

So where does this leave us? I’m sure if I were an independent observer I would conclude that Colin is a trifle loony (see above). Well, that does have a positive side: it means my friends are genuine friends and not impostors, and that the understanding I have of the way things work, of which I am so proud if I may use the word, is well founded and not in any way fraudulent.

I am getting fed up with thinking for the moment. I will have a break. A coffee break?

6.35 pm. Let me be completely frank and hope the Authorities are sufficiently compassionate not to give me large doses of antischizophrenic medication. If the coffee contained amphetamine and nothing at all to counteract the amphetamine, then the more I drank the more wakeful I would be and the more libidinous. I don’t know why I said that, really.

I’ve just had an IM to my away message which I will copy here, merely saying that inverted commas have always been associated with my putative mental disorder:

CatsWhiskers100: Hi, Colin! I see that you are “on” but also “away”. Just wanted to say a quick “hello”. I’m off now - I’ve run out of inverted commas. Take care. Gail.

Auto response from COLINBROUGH: I will be without lust of result, ie let them do what they will.

I suppose, to be honest, the reason I am putting all this up is that I find it so amusing, and I hope others do too. (Note that amphetamine makes you excitedly happy.)

14/01/08 05:51

In probably the Spring of 2004 I was asked - in Bristol library on one occasion I recall, and another time was on a train in the Bristol area - if I was willing to help out in an Experiment (of course these actual words were not used) which I took to mean an Experiment in continuation of the one I had believed had been going on since the late 1970s (but I was puzzled by the fact of so many intervening years in which it seemed to have been in abeyance, that is from say 1987 to 2003 I was not in anything resembling a floridly schizophrenic condition because even though I was being given stimulant drugs - certainly from the early 1990s onward - I was also concurrently being given ASM and probably the stimulants were not as powerful as amphetamine, and they certainly - I now understand - were not given in the later years with the intention of exacerbating schizophrenic symptoms) that is one centred on trying to understand schizophrenia. I now realise the people inviting me to participate in The Experiment from 2004 believed that I genuinely was schizophrenic, and this carries implications for the way they thought my response - of seeming consent or otherwise - was to be interpreted. It also explains their willingness - the willingness of ‘the Authorities’ - to detain me by compulsion in the autumn of 2004, and to cause me unnecessary pain (amounting in my view to assault) in conveying me from Bristol to Bassetlaw (on the night of Wednesday 15 September 2004). As I have said, during that hospitalisation the staff at Bassetlaw mental wing were treating me as an ordinary patient, and had not been asked to do anything to dissuade me from destroying notes I made (such destruction even then in 2004 I was using as an attempted lever to discourage treatment I disliked, which in the summer before my arrest meant treatment with surreptitiously foisted antischizophrenic drugs) and evidently thought of me as a sort of underclass citizen (that is, because I was they thought schizophrenic) although they treated me in the way they had been trained to think appropriate (that is they did not misuse me). The notes not destroyed which I wrote during that detention included this diagram, which I have come to regard as one of the pieces of evidence alerting a greater interest since then in my ideas on the human mind:

14/01/08 06:15

I must presume that the resumption of The Experiment around February 2005 - when I had just married Dawn - was motivated or excused (that is excused in presenting a case to authorisers of funding, presented by personnel with some interest in their own continued employment in a project they found interesting) at least partly by the fact that I could be said to have a clued-up understanding of the human mind and in particular the schizo mind. Another factor which might have been mentioned - bearing in mind that the personnel had originally been employed (or their predecessors had) to ‘look after’ me in the aftermath of the abuse done to me in the 1980s - was the unwisdom (as it might have been presented) of my choice of marriage partner (and this particularly so because I now understand ‘the Authorities’ in early 2004 had hoped that I would find a suitable marriage partner in Caroline, and there must have been a certain momentum continuing from that in the expectations of all concerned). From around Easter of 2005 we - Dawn as well as I now - were suffering the usual sort of mixture of ASM and stimulant (presumably in the tapwater at our homes in Retford and Bristol), although not constantly as we had the care of young members of Dawn’s family in the June and again around August 2005. On the other hand:

Sunday 7 August 2005 – [Dawn’s daughter and son-in-law] visited us at [our Worksop address], [he] vomited, I noted the effects of drugs on myself and Dawn (mainly ‘anger’ due to antischizo and an amphetamine-like stimulant in combination; also physical effects on bowel activity, sensitivity to pain especially in the feet, and soreness of the eyes);

which may imply the tapwater at the Worksop address was by then being interfered with.

From August 2005 another image rather encouraging the continuation of The Experiment (because carrying such good - and to ‘the personnel’ interesting - description and hypothesising on the human mind and drugs which affect it):

Some of the things done which I regard as so improper that the involvement of some less ethical and more imperative management is implied (say on behalf of the military) include attempting to separate me from Dawn, that is - I mean particularly - trying to end our marriage. In 2004 as I say this interference might partially be explainable by what had gone before, and also my interpretation that giving powerful stimulants to Dawn was mainly an effort to make her behaviour objectionable to me is probably mistaken, and the reason they were given was for the effect on me following the same practices engaged in the previous summer (2004) without really any understanding what the effect might be on Dawn. When Dawn was detained in Bassetlaw last month (December 2007) she tells me the staff advised her against returning to me in Kingswinford, saying she was - or might be - in danger if she was with me (whatever the implication of that was, ie danger from me or from ‘the Authorities’ in my life?) Of course one could say - and in the more recent cases I am myself inclined to give greater weight to this interpretation - that these were not so much attempts to split up our marriage, but rather to test how strong is our cleaving together (for one thing the strength of it must itself puzzle observers who are accustomed to partnerships frequently breaking up nowadays, and possibly particularly so in the case of schizo people who might be expected to be more wayward).

Another of the things done which imply to me that people less concerned with ethics are taking the decisions is the continued foisting - or attempted foisting - of antischizophrenic drugs. This is because the effect of these drugs on me is so horrific, and especially when under the influence I cannot dream up so many possible hypotheses I tend to presume they are given without any consideration of my stated objection and my attempts to describe the horrors of it (and often I fear attempts to describe the horrors are counterproductive as encouraging more to be foisted for the purpose of finding out more about the effects). I suppose an argument the perpetrators present to themselves in excuse is that I have been under the influence of such drugs for year after year in the past (although that isn’t really a valid argument, except perhaps it is very difficult to believe those years - those decades - genuinely were a total waste with no pleasure in them at all for me) and that foisted now they would only be continued for say a day or two, and that anyway I am fairly competent - if not drugged - at defending myself against drugging I do not want. Indeed, returning to my ideas in January 2004, it could even be that foisting drugs which I find detestable is an endeavour to motivate me to take action - that is action which can be observed and in explanation of which theories can be concocted, by myself and others perhaps - instead of stopping at home Dawn and I enjoying our quiet enjoyments which for me revolve largely around writing computer programs without any intention ever to publish the results (although if and when I sort things out better - say in the subject of pattern recognition - I might not be averse to publishing my findings; Darwin was similar with his theory of evolution, and Emily Brontë was actively opposed to making herself known through publication [what this tells us I think is that Emily Brontë’s serotonin level was very low, which indeed can be read from the depressive nature of some of her poems]). The momentum effect of numerous agents now being employed by The Experiment - I suppose agents have to be specially employed rather than rely on say ordinary police resources - who if we do not go out and about much are being paid to do nothing must also play a part.

My detention of late 2005 - when the staff at Bassetlaw behaved differently towards me compared to the year before, and there was evident interest in what I had to say (or rather write down) - was precipitated by stimulant drugs and the belief or assertion - the official view on which I suspect might since have altered - that giving stimulant drugs does not affect the responsibility of the druggie for his own decisions and actions. The outcome of that detention was that I was compelled to accept long-lasting injections of antischizophrenic drugs - this is to be regarded as evidently improper as anyone with sense at the time knew I didn’t need them (for example my named nurse) but the perpetrators took advantage in what I would think of as a vivisectionist-like way of the letter of the law which permitted the drugs to be compelled given the fact that I was legally detained and did not avail myself of a Tribunal - and the use then made of that context was that the dosage of the drugs was altered - and possibly sometimes the drugs were given surreptitiously by mouth, eg in the tapwater, instead of through the official injections - to determine amongst other things (given what I myself alleged at the time about the effect of the drugs on my determination and ability to find ways to make objection and to discontinue the injections) if reducing the dosage enabled me more forcefully and in such a way as to be effective to make the point that I detested the medication and wanted it stopped. I must say I am in a bit of a quandary to know what to do about Dawn now being prescribed risperidone by Kurian who simple-mindedly observes that after she stopped her medication previously she ended up detained in Bassetlaw, without troubling to find out the details (even though I said to his co-worker Social Workers that she had not been ill and had been detained improperly, which from their manner they found entirely believable, whatever they know or don’t know for a fact). A complication in the past has been that I haven’t been sure - especially as my own perceptions and analyses were downgraded by antischizophrenic drugs I myself was suffering - what drugs were getting into Dawn (that is whether the tablets she was taking were genuine and whether something additional was getting into us by mouth eg via the tapwater before I myself became so conscientious in rejecting the tapwater). Yesterday around late morning she seemed much less active, and dispirited, but then recovered somewhat until relatively early in the evening - earlier than myself, which in the recent past is unusual - she declared herself extremely tired. These changing effects I would have to blame on the tablet - supposedly risperidone - she took around breakfast-time, but if it was genuinely risperidone in the stated dosage - which Kurian calls small at 2mg a day, and I have learnt to expect any prescriber of psychiatric drugs in any dosage to describe the dosage as small - I’m surprised the effect of it was not more constant through the course of the day.

14/01/08 12:45

Looking through my website mental history page checking it over (having uploaded an update this morning) I find the information that I first complained of palpitations in 1994. By summer 1995 I was attending Bushey Fields psychiatric unit (having attended the old Burton Road Hospital as an interim, and suspecting at the time that Burton Road was having its life extended specifically to give me somewhere to go on a day basis as part of ‘the Experiment’) and I recall from the time I was started at Bushey Fields - and quite possibly for a while before that - I was having angry feelings centring on reversing vehicles. In the early 1980s I had been sensitive to stop lights on cars - operating red stop lights I mean - but so far as I remember was not particularly angered by them. In fact some ‘messages’ in car registration numbers at that time I took delight in: for example the Worcestershire letter combination FAB.

What I am getting at is that it is most likely that around the time I was started at Bushey Fields - in fact sometime during my period of attending Burton Road, at the time the purported anti-side-effect medication was changed from ‘procyclidine’ to ‘benztropine’ - the attempt to ameliorate the bad effects of the primary antischizophrenic medication I was suffering switched from involving antidepressants and/or euphoriants to the inclusion of stimulants.

14/01/08 13:09

Around the time I was writing the above I noticed I was suffering nasal congestion (only mild as yet). Since then I have noticed abdominal discomfort due to internally trapped wind (only mild as yet) and briefly had an effect I know well, of fearing to lose information and hence feeling unduly hastened to come to set it down (this causing a deleteriously confusional effect, certainly in the past when all these effects have been stronger in concert). I told myself however that really all I need to set down is what I have most recently taken by mouth, with possibly some sort of ordering according to how suspect each item is as a possible source of drugs. Top of the list is mayonnaise bought in Birmingham recently (at Tesco Metro in the city centre). I also ate bread which recently has seemed innocuous with Utterly Butterly which also recently has seemed OK (but which I feel slightly more inclined to suspect on the basis that often in the past day or two I have been eating my bread without any spread). Apart from salad stuff the meal we ate as lunch about half an hour ago comprised fish fingers bought by Dawn’s choice from Tesco Wolverhampton. Prior to that I had only in the preceding few hours drunk coffee made with water which almost certainly was undrugged (because it has been locked away when we have been out, derived from collected rainwater originally and even drunk in quite a large quantity over the hours showed no sign before lunch of drugs).

Dawn seems to have become slightly more active since lunch, which may signify a stimulant in the meal somewhat countering her earlier ‘lethargy’ (the latter caused by her prescribed medication).

14/01/08 13:19

I note I am (over the past five minutes) showing mildly the symptom of tinnitus, as I have quite a lot the past say five to seven days.

For completeness I mention that our breakfast was bacon sandwich, the same for each of us but for the bread.

14/01/08 13:23

Trying to encrypt the file corresponding to the above my prog says, Error in Function ‘nibbleasInt’. However, I have thought it would be an idea to automatically encrypt files saved by the Rich Text Editor using my encryption prog which more or less works now.

Top

15/01/08 01:40 [Tuesday]

Last night we went to bed early when I became ‘tired’ - very tired - quite suddenly. I remember suspecting Mint Chocolate Chip ice-cream from Asda of which I had eaten a quantity around the time The One Show was on (about 7 pm therefore) but I do now recall that at some stage - probably later - I ate half a block of Cadbury’s chocolate which I had had suspicions about from the time of its purchase, suspicions based on my guess that Dawn might be acting on hypnotic suggestion in homing in on it so directly for purchase (from Superdrug in Kingswinford) and its being reduced in price. In fact earlier I had declined marshmallows in this chocolate melted because of my suspicions. I cannot remember - this an effect of the drug almost certainly in the chocolate - what was in my mind when I decided to risk it, but it was half an ‘unthinking’ choice probably affected by a preceding effect (also of ASM) deriving I believe from mayonnaise bought recently at Tesco Metro in Birmingham city centre, another foodstuff I had doubts about from the outset based on the circumstances of its purchase (last Thursday I believe).

The main reason I am convinced the drugs mainly affecting me now derived from the chocolate and not something else (such as the Mint Chocolate Chip ice-cream) is that what I feel this morning in waking up - that is, a slightly depressed sense not only that life is empty of anything worth doing, which is a feature of all ASM including risperidone, but further that anything one might do is foredoomed to failure and quite possibly will make things worse not better - seems very similar to what I observed in Dawn soon after she ate marshmallows in the chocolate melted, earlier on yesterday evening (or rather, late afternoon). I concluded her mood was lowered (more than my own has been, this corresponding to her lower base level of serotonin according to the way I interpret matters) from the fact that probably within half an hour of eating the chocolate - it was very soon - she became tearful and from what she said I could tell that she was being caused to feel as I have myself in the past, that is what I would have to use the word depressed to describe. She was focusing on things being different from her ideal, but things which there was no way she could alter and which have been thus over a long period, yet nonetheless indulging in almost fantasy in imagining the ideal situation. In the past when I myself have been in a similar condition I have thought of such indulgence in fantasy as sort of cheering myself up by imagining a happier (but impossible) scenario; however now I would be inclined (were I mentally competent at the minute, to work it out better) to regard it in more mechanistic terms as some result of the action of this drug on neural structures in which a desired scenario rises up in the mind’s eye which ordinarily would not play such a big part because of its unlikelihood to come about in the real world: in other words there is some flaw caused by the drug in the process by which goals to strive for are considered in order to decide whether to strive for them. As I say, I am not at the minute properly competent mentally, but my initial observation is the paradox that usually I think of lowered serotonin as reducing one’s estimation that goals are likely to be achievable, and hence reducing one’s willingness to strive after them in the real world. The effect of this drug - whatever it is, and although the most depressive antischizophrenic drug I know from experience is reserpine I do not think this is reserpine, because of absence of any feeling (in Dawn or myself) of anxiety - is more complex than simply lowering the mood, because while it does indeed lead to underactivity based on a pre-estimation that one will fail it also allows (or encourages) the internal envisagement of goals which are in truth, not just in mistaken pre-estimation, unlikely to be achievable. Regarding the underactivity though I would have to make a distinction between communicativeness using words on the one hand and other forms of activity on the other. The ‘other forms of activity’ would be the means by which through taking action oneself one might achieve goals, or get towards their achievement. I have noticed for my own part that under the influence of other antischizophrenic drugs than this - drugs which do not so badly affect the mood - I become more inclined to output words in an endeavour to get things done (eg complaining on my website about being drugged, in the hope such communication will lead to amelioration) than to get things done by taking action - adequately planned action - myself. In the case of this drug, the output of words is enhanced - that is, increased - this evidenced both by my writing all this now and by Dawn’s willingness yesterday evening to discuss her unhappy ideas with me, this increase going hand-in-hand with the reduction in one’s capacity to take effective (adequately planned) action oneself. I would relate this to the difference between personalities which are more people-oriented - that is Socialist type people who indulge more in the talking shop (to use terms I have used before) - and those who are more task-oriented - Capitalist types who are more inclined to act on their own behalf (regarded by some Socialist types as selfish to do so) but who may be more, or less, competent to do so.

There must surely be some basis in brain structure or in brain electrochemistry to account for these different types of personality. I myself have a better understanding of the Capitalist type: for example they look more to the future, setting aside resources for the future rather than using them in the present (which is what Capitalism means) part of which is willingness to do mental processing now to save the need in the future. That is, they are more inclined to think ahead and less to live in present-time indulgence of the senses. I have heard apologists for Socialism say that the natural course of history is for collective provision to increase and take over from provision for oneself; that is people band together more as history ‘advances’ and rely more on provisions by Society such as (say) electric power, and even more recently in the history of Western-style civilisation State-maintained highways, cheap public transport and ‘infrastructure’ generally. Thinking back to my understanding of this argument when I heard it, I cannot see - something I didn’t consider at the time (perhaps merely taking in what was said without reflecting on it much, perhaps being affected myself at the time by ASM) - that it did not depend on the presumption that as time goes by things get better. I suppose it is natural to suppose for example that the provision of better healthcare - including better in the sense of more affordable or provided free by the State - which results in an increase in the length of an average life, is an improvement. On the other hand it does result in a self-feeding dependence on healthcare provision, in that evolution is interfered with. A favourite example of mine is that medical alleviation of depression results in the ‘depressive gene’ not being discontinued by evolution. Looked at in the large it might be said there’s nothing wrong with this: people on average do better by banding together and depending not only on each other - friends and relatives as you might say - but on the structures developed as Society.

My view however is that the basic reason for it is lack of geographic space. If the population so successfully grows that we cannot get away from other people, then will-he nill-he we must interact with and depend on what other people do, and if there were an anarchy in such a situation it would not persist (this corresponding to the end of Feudalism in Britain as the population increased, and the unsuccess of the present ‘Society’ in for example Iraq because of the failure of a properly motivated organising principle) so in cases where it does persist - where the population continues to grow instead of being kept down by people killing each other - it follows that there comes about a successful ‘organising principle’ that is structure of top-down State regulation. The Socialist apologists take the view - two views at the same time - that not only is this the natural course history takes, but further that it is undeniably a desirable course.

The main reason I disagree is that it has led to my suffering over a period of decades. The healthcare specialists on the case - doctors, to abbreviate - no doubt take the view that for an individual to suffer somewhat - say myself in being drugged nowadays - is worthwhile if it leads to understanding which means that people on average suffer less (and the implication is, or should be, on average die less early in life). This is a mistaken view - although from a theoretical regard I understand it - for one thing because other people cannot know as well as I do the degree to which I am suffering. This is clearly the case if I - or anyone in a similar situation - suffers physical compulsion, but it is also the case if for some reason - unavailability of means of communication, including interference with access to the supposedly free press and incapacitation due to the effects of drugs - it is difficult to communicate the degree of the unpleasure. One can also argue in more abstract terms that for people to be - or to become - more alike as components of a Society in which (to give a specific example) almost everybody takes at least one foreign holiday per year is a bad thing because it makes for less flexibility in the face of changing circumstances. One can point out that hand-in-hand with this undesirability of faceless sameness of the componentry of Society is the fact that the structure does not persist, and the more so the more there is faceless sameness. The USSR did not last many decades. The upshot is that the population cannot continue to grow indefinitely (which is obvious because of the finite nature of things on Earth), that as it grows there is this constant tendency to uniformity overseen by State organisation which ultimately will result - on the occurrence of some major change which the inflexible State cannot cope with (and the less flexibility there comes to be as uniformity increases, the more minor the change needs to be not to be copable) - in a catastrophic fall in population numbers (and possibly even the end of the world).

Simply put then, I blame doctors in the NHS for the end of the world to come.

Praise the Lord the effective dosage of the drug I took in must have been very small. I can’t help but suppose the dosage of any risperidone in Dawn’s tablets must be small as well (that is genuinely small and not what Kurian calls small in 2mg per diem), not because of smallness of effect but because the effect doesn’t seem to continue all day.

15/01/08 09:09

In 2005 I had a lot of computer trouble apparently originating from a cheapo version of ‘TV PVR’ by means of which one can use a computer as a TV (using any sort of TV signal, eg from a video recorder) bought from Lidl Bedminster (near the house we then rented in Bristol). It would be convenient if I could now use this device (plus software) and this is what I have been fiddling about with today (my sudden tiredness last night interrupting matters just after I had found a means of connecting the video recorder to the computer interface device, that is an aerial extension lead with suitable plug adapters on the ends). Needless to say the software (even though I’m convinced that in Bristol I got some sort of TV reception on the computer) fails almost entirely, and in particular a Windows error message comes up saying video.exe has encountered a problem. I’m using this failure as an excuse to find out more about the workings of Windows computers, by disassembling video.exe using the disassembler I recently downloaded. This is the stage I am at:

I notice - in being interrupted by the physical necessity to go to the toilet - that the overview it is natural to me (and most people) to maintain tracking the context within which I am allowing myself to be absorbed was not working entirely as usually it would. That is, until the need for interruption to go to the toilet I had lost track of the desirability (or need to bear in mind the possibility) of interrupting myself to continue the plans for today agreed with Dawn (including a trip to Birmingham). I’m not sure whether this is simply the effect of yesterday’s drugs carrying over. The reason I doubt this slightly is not so much that the