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. July 2008 .
01/07/08 13:29 [Tuesday]
I was intending to explain what flaws arose yesterday on the DIXONSXP desktop with Vista (newly installed yesterday, as far as I recall), but I haven’t had time yet today. As a consequence I have, later on yesterday, and this morning, been reinstalling the DIXONSXP trying to achieve a system working without defect. I seemed to have managed it - with XP on a partition1 and Vista on partition2 in fact (I mention that seemingly as a result of Vista being installed on a second partition when XP was already on the first the gadgets in the Vista side-bar turn out inverted, that is with the clock at the bottom) - until now I find reading from a CD - a particular CD which was being read yesterday also when the flaw became evident - is prefaced by an unduly long Preparing to Copy. I shall record the sequence of events leading up to presumably the same flawing today as arose yesterday.
What I was doing both yesterday and today was try to make a DVD of my website records (for barrass-brough.org.uk, that is the folders containing the versions put up in sequence from the start around the start of 2008) instead of having the information on a number of separate CDs (which I was doing from April onwards - almost certainly advised ‘hypnotically’, to test whether I could get CD-writing to work on the deliberately faulted Amilo Pro I would guess - because I thought using the Windows CD-writing wizard was a safer bet than installing something like Nero to write DVDs). The flaw yesterday consisted of the DVD-writing going into a loop and getting nowhere. Even using Task Manager the relevant process would not end (and in fact I tracked it down to a service called WUDFHost.exe which could not be terminated). At the same time an auxiliary USB hard drive ceased to be accessible, that is ceased to be recognised by the system (even after a restart).
Today then the beginnings of the same thing seem evident, in the interminable (not literally interminable) Preparing to Copy from the CD with my Old websites (that is, versions of colinbrough.co.uk) on it. Prior to that I had copied onto C: from a CD made towards the beginning of April (and therefore suspect in that things were going wrong about then and I was confused then by drugs in a way I have since found better ways to combat and evade, this success quite possibly going hand-in-hand with the druggists, or rather those now overseeing them, allowing me to get away with lower dosages) Website 080402 (uploaded versions), that is versions of barrass-brough.org.uk. Copying from the latter showed up no defects, but for the reasons I have given I suspect that CD - or copying that CD (in that the system may be deliberately faulted to look out for some trigger which appears on that CD) - is the source of the difficulty. Now I think back, the auxiliary hard drive difficulty yesterday arose after I tried to copy to that drive a series of folders one of which contained Nero software, and from what I could make out it was copying the Nero setup.exe which triggered the difficulty. I got so far with coding the bytes of the Nero setup.exe file to see if particular byte sequences acted as the trigger (in other words in the coded version those byte sequences would not be present). In a similar way the failure - the irretrievable failure, given the circumstances then - of the system on my Packard Bell EasyNote laptop around October 2006 seemed to originate from copying from a particular CD. I know it sounds utterly foolish to imagine professionally trained people (presumably professionally trained, if it is only in psychiatry) might arrange such a thing, but my best guess is that the Packard Bell was deliberately faulted to encourage me to purchase and use the Medion laptop we bought from Woolworths for Christmas of 2006 (which ended up in the River Idle when I expressed my anger at the folly of The Experiment in a way less usual to me since).
02/07/08 09:53 [Wednesday]
I made some handwritten notes earlier, starting soon after 2 am when I got up. I explained that I thought a dream I had had in the hour after I had got up to go to the toilet about twenty past midnight had been suggested by hypnotising words voiced to me while I was in the bathroom. I thought they might have been voiced there - not entirely logical since the window was not open and I did not sit on the seat or otherwise relax in a position presumably more conducive to being hypnotised - because the audio recorder set up in the bay window of our bedroom showed only four minutes or so of non-silence the entire night (up to 2 am, when I stopped recording 4 on the device and re-started it for recording 5, since otherwise it’s difficult to know what time audio events on the ‘tape’ have occurred especially if it is left on for day after day: these devices do not update the date as midnight is crossed).
After I came round (so I thought) from my lack of get-up-and-go including mental get-up-and-go which followed my getting up so early, I started doing some work to improve security. Initially I was on with rectifying some of the damage to the wiring which Dawn did a week ago or so when she ‘ran amok’ under the influence of stimulant drugs (and probably hypnotising suggestion exaggerating her natural objection to being ‘taped’ like a different version of Richard Nixon). The idea here was to get the camera covering the rear garden working so that I could get to the fence to chuck suspect stuff over; bacon in fact bought recently at Sainsbury’s which for some reason I especially suspected: given for example that I was not then taking seriously the need to mark foods according to the place and date of purchase so as to chuck out (perhaps) all foods bought at the same time if any were found to be drugged. There would have been quicker ways of making such an enterprise of chucking-over safe - for example simply setting up the camcorder again, or moving the VCR (and TV if necessary, for verification) to the bedroom thereby circumventing the break in the wiring from the fixed security camera - and the fact is shown up that I could not at that time think in any sort of creative or novel way.
The reason I couldn’t think properly was antischizophrenic drugs most likely risperidone (from comparing the effects with those I had when officially prescribed risperidone, plus the fact that I had had an official prescription for that drug), and because I became very tired around 7 am and slept again from 7 am to 9.30 am I conclude that the first period I was awake (from 2 am) I was affected by a stimulant drug in combination but this had worn off sufficiently by 7 am (given also the mental cost of ‘processing’ to do the work prior to 7 am). This is confirmed by the fact that I have in going to the toilet (about half an hour ago) found that I was quite badly constipated. In 2006 my best guess is that stimulants were given in combination with the risperidone, in pursuance of the policy in medicating me prior to 2004 that is when I was still living at my parents’ house in Kingswinford, latterly under the guidance of Barbara recruited for the time when they would die. This is confirmed by the similarity (which I noted at the time, soon after 2 am this morning) between the style of thinking manifested in the notes written, and the same thing (in my diary notes) in the first half of 2006. Also the need to get up in the night to pass water is evidence of a stimulant drug additionally given.
After I had got so far with trying to put to rights the wiring from the security camera under the eaves at the back of the bungalow I was beginning to ask whether so much effort was worthwhile given that Dawn (under suggestion) might do damage again, or some other way of damaging my security might be found by ‘the Authorities’. This indicates to me that at that stage the stimulant cheering me on was beginning to wear off.
What I did then was concern myself with what I thought had been the source of actual nighttime voicing this past night, that is the passage at the side of the bungalow where the front door is. I got as far as connecting the lead from a microphone I fixed out there the other day to a jack-plug the internal side of the exit door (that is a jack-plug in the utility room) and testing the mic with an audio recorder, finding that it works great to record any sounds in that side passage - such as nighttime voicing from outside the bathroom window. My belief now is that there was no nighttime voicing this night just past. The would-be perpetrators could not (presumably) know whether or not the mic was working last night. (On the other hand the unexpected pausing of a load in the washing-machine overnight may well indicate a severing of the mains power to the utility room - possibly not overnight as the load was put in yesterday morning and Dawn was too tired to look at it last night: that is the mains may have been cut while we were out yesterday afternoon, presumably to try to gain information on the consequences of such severing.) The ‘dream’ I was putting down to nighttime voicing might have arisen in a natural way out of our projected visit to family in Nottinghamshire today (now abandoned in consequence of the drugging I suffered yesterday evening and overnight).
I have learnt several things from this experience suffering antischizophrenic drugs in stuff taken by mouth - most likely the Milk of Magnesia - bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath yesterday. I have learnt that my memory is not badly downgraded by antischizophrenic drugs on their own. Such downgrading depends mainly on the opium-like drug. Further, when the effects of antischizophrenic drugs are on me I have little fear of such memory loss and the consequence of frantic efforts to make it good with some substitute (this being related I should think to my constantly backing stuff up from the computer when I am affected by certain combinations of drugs) does not follow. I have further learnt that it is essential to detect (and timestamp) severance of the mains power, and in some cases ensure substitute power switches on automatically (for example to ensure the integrity of audio recordings). Also it is necessary in cases of suspect foods - such as those bought yesterday from Sainsbury’s Blackheath, even though very little of the food can in fact be drugged given the randomised selection of that store - to keep it safe and mark it with a label of the place and date of purchase, so that it can be risked (for testing) at a later date when I am otherwise free of drugs. On the whole I think the trouble I cause when provided drugged foods - in chucking it over the fence so that ‘the Authorities’ need to keep watch if the drugs are powerful drugs, and in writing to food manufacturers (some of whom were not consulted in advance, almost for sure) - has been a success in deterring drugging of foods. The most recent virtually certain drugged food (apart from yesterday, when almost certainly it was a medication with an improper component in the Milk of Magnesia) was an Asda own-brand, that is the Mint Choc Chip Soft Scoop ice-cream bought at the Brierley Hill store last Saturday. Moreover I was able to read the fact that the Sainsbury’s Blackheath staff (most of them, certainly) were not party to events, in comparing the shame-faced demeanour of staff at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill on a recent occasion.
I got for Dawn a 5l bottle of Sainsbury’s own-brand Caledonian water yesterday, since I cannot insist or even strongly urge her to drink river water, but equally must discourage her from drinking our tapwater. She seems no better on the Caledonian water though (still having upset tummy and being sleepy all the time) so it may be drugged and the tapwater similarly (she had been drinking tapwater occasionally), but the most likely hypothesis is that her indisposition derives from something entirely other than water, and possibly (given the increased evidence that improper components are put in medications supplied to us, as pretty certainly was the case in my own past with anti-side-effect tablets) it is her Risperdal tablets.
I mention that my provision of information here in such a well thought-out and well arranged form, with no intention to withhold it from my website, is a feature of the overnight risperidone wearing off. It may not be exactly a rebound effect but it certainly is a pleasure to exercise my faculties freed this morning from the overnight thrall. I am hopeful that many readers, many and various, will be able to see the debilitation caused me by antischizophrenic drugs. To that end I may append a scan of my handwritten notes from the middle of the night.
02/07/08 11:48
I am proposing to spend money on (amongst other things) another safe and another Olympus audio recorder device. It is not fair that I should be spending this money, that is but for the interference from ‘The Experiment’ I would not be spending it. The need to spend it arises out of fear of a recurrence of what happened in the past, when because of a combination of drugs rendering me unable to think for myself, with ‘hypnotising’ voicing suggesting I do things I would not of myself choose to do, I was led to (for one thing) buy more drugged foods without sufficient attention to evasion techniques, through shopping incautiously on a Sunday (not busy and especially so in out-of-the-way places such as motorway service areas), this situation made worse by the drugs themselves increasing my appetite so that resisting an urge to take possibly unsafe foods was difficult (leading as one measure of attempted avoidance to chucking out foods wholescale in advance of determining which were drugged). The safe and the recording device proposed for purchase today are to ensure the security of the side passage where the front door is. Another recording device would be less necessary had Dawn not been drugged recently so that she ‘ran amok’ and destroyed one I already had. Purchase of the additional safe might be forgone but in case of entry into the bungalow (should the front-door and other exit-door security fail, as it has come close to failing recently) it is well to have important items (recording devices and foods especially) locked away difficult of illicit access.
Commercial providers of security arrangements have had to think through the various possibilities of circumvention (naturally) but I cannot rely on such a provider because I know from experience they can be ‘got at’ by the Authorities. The alarm I bought from Maplins in 2006 for example turned out not to work perfectly, and many devices I have bought (for example a walkie-talkie from Argos) have turned out not to work perfectly. I therefore waste my time on what I should be able to leave to others in the division-of-labour arrangements of modern ‘civilisation’, so have less time for what I myself would enjoy doing (or, in earlier years, for what might have brought me in employment income).
Of course it is by no means certain that explaining these complaints - which seem obvious to me anyway - via my website they are going to reach an audience willing to get me compensation (or even an end simply to ‘The Experiment’), but when I have more than enough processing power - undrugged, that is undrugged to explain myself in a coherent and convincing way - it costs very little to write it out and put it up on the website.
Yesterday I was not entirely successful in avoiding being drugged. However the drugging I suffered yesterday, and more generally in recent weeks, is sufficiently intermittent and low-dosage for me not to throw in the towel. I am able to understand (this morning now having a clear mind) that to drug me in the way I was drugged yesterday must be onerous and costly for the perpetrators (and possibly avoidable by avoiding medications like Milk of Magnesia), so I can regard yesterday’s enterprise in going to Blackheath randomly chosen as profitable. (This of course depends on the clarity of my internal model of what must be the case - the high cost of drugging me - and not so much relying on immediate perception.)
02/07/08 17:18
We were hoping to go out to Stourbridge (for one thing) to collect the laptop from Cash Converters where it had been repaired (having had a phonecall this morning to that effect) and were anticipating leaving the house about 2 pm. Before lunch I put back to rights the audio device in the safe in our bedroom (device 4 is now there the previous device having been immersed in water when Dawn ‘ran amok’) having made better connections in place of the wound-wire connections I mentioned (possibly not in notes put up on my website however) were causing a crackly recording instead of a clear sound to the recorded audio. I have generally improved the arrangements not only in that safe but in all the work I have done recently, compared to work done when under the influence of some mixture of ASM and the opium-like drug in weeks gone by I had less clarity of thought and of physical control. (Clumsiness related to antischizophrenic drugs is a thing I have certainly mentioned in my website diary in the past. It is more to do with ASM restricting resolution - numbers of synapses contributing - than to do with the opium-like drug I conclude, because Dawn used to be known for the clumsiness of walking into lampposts - not helped by being partially sighted in her right eye - which naturally she took to be her own incompetence but she was mistaken. I daresay opium like alcohol may lead to slurred speech, but last night as an example I found myself suffering from biting my own tongue at least twice - a symptom I know well from the past - and I must blame lowered resolution due to the risperidone and not anything to do with an opium-like drug which seemed not to be playing a part then anyway. The problem of biting one’s own tongue is made worse - I conjecture - by the blocking of control signals downward from the frontal brain leading to a greater sensitivity, certainly in my own case, to messages from the senses - that is, pain - unmoderated by the ‘higher mind’.)
We haven’t got out to the shops this afternoon since we were both rendered heavily asleep, in my case by drugs in a glass of milk I drank. The reason for this morning’s heavy extra sleep from about 7 am I now conclude was milk I used for a bowl of cereal I ate soon before 7 am. I am slightly puzzled by Dawn’s sleeping this afternoon and wonder about the Caledonian water. I think most likely though she was affected by milk even though a comparatively small quantity she took in a cup of tea she made herself. I was drinking milk yesterday from a similar 1l bottle (Sainsbury’s own-brand, the same, bought at Blackheath) and seemed then unaffected. Either some of the bottles were undrugged or (more likely) stimulant drugs I was affected by yesterday countered the sleepifying drug in the milk.
I have woken up feeling refreshed much the same as after a natural sleep and conjecture the sleepifying drug is a modern hypnotic agent with few side-effects (but one side-effect may be garrulousness as I seem to be giving an awful lot of information here, as I was after this morning’s sleep). (It is even possible the ‘garrulousness’ is related to the truth-drug properties in the opium-like agent, reducing inhibitions as it were.)
02/07/08 18:27
Dawn has been on the phone to her daughter, that is the one more like herself in temperament or personality if you like to use that term, and like myself has been made loquacious (not garrulous in her case) by the tranquilliser effect. In such a mentally relaxed condition - especially speaking from her secure and familiar home (even though we have lived here little more than two years) and speaking to a compatible person - she expresses herself in a truly rational (and interesting) way, devoid today (I am absolutely certain) of antischizophrenic drugs [or just possibly affected by a helpful mixture of amphetamine and ASM in just the right proportions - note added 03/07/08 12:24].
03/07/08 04:00 [Thursday]
I got up about fifteen minutes ago with slight internal discomfort which I thought might be blameable on inactivity of the gut. However I have since emptied my bowels with a seemingly unnatural laxative effect due presumably (but unnaturally, that is there is some improper chemical in them) to chopped dried prunes bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath two days ago and eaten some of them last night. Dawn also ate some last night, but has not woken yet. Yesterday morning I suppose I have the dried prunes eaten the evening before to thank for curing what would have been much worse constipation from the antischizophrenic drug improperly supplied in (my best guess) the Milk of Magnesia from Sainsbury’s Blackheath.
It is a disappointment if the perpetrators think it reasonable to continue to supply me antischizophrenic drugs in the former way. My hope had been that ‘overseers’ if not the perpetrators themselves would understand the deleterious effects, and the entire absence of benefit for me, from antischizophrenic drugs. If the organisation which puts these drugs in foods I buy has not yet seen the error of its ways it means I must continue to be on guard against the possibility foods are contaminated in such an unpleasant way. I have said before there are insufficient legal safeguards on the prescription of such drugs, and the law should be changed. The reason it has not been is that the effects, even though terrible certainly in individual cases, are hidden because the drugs suppress activity, including the activity of making complaints, in those treated. Such drugs are used to subdue unruly convicts, but are also prescribed for mental illness and may be abused by prescribers whom it may suit to subdue rather than cure mental patients.
The Olympus audio device set up yesterday evening to record any activity overnight in the passage at the side of our bungalow where the front door and the bathroom window are shows only 46 seconds of non-silence in the period I have slept (since say midnight). This contrasts with recordings from a mic in the bay window in our bedroom, which sometimes shows 7 minutes or more of non-silence. The reason may be sounds from within the bedroom (Dawn perhaps snoring) but although I have no direct evidence it seems most likely to me that in the past hypnotising words have been spoken to us as we slept in that bedroom. For one thing I can see no purpose otherwise to the almost certainly deliberate failing, frequently, of the rear security light: which I have now cured by replacing that security light and the power supply to it. (I have done the same a few days ago for the security light covering the passage I mentioned, on the side where the front door and the bathroom are.)
To try to clear up matters regarding this computer system (Vista on the DIXONSXP desktop, on a partition2 as things stand): I have not yet ascertained what caused the problem a few days ago when writing a DVD ‘hung up’ in an interminable loop, but if there is some basic flaw meaning trying to copy certain files - I thought I had tracked it down to the Nero setup.exe - creates the problem, it is still possible to hope the problem thus created is not permanent, that it clears say on a restart. In such a case it isn’t worthwhile trying to track down the basic flaw (which is conceivably in all Vista installs supplied in the UK, if Microsoft are contrary to my expectation implicated in ‘The Experiment’) and the way to go is simply to avoid copying (to DVD, and any other form of copying giving rise to the problem) the problematic byte sequence (as it may be). This could be achieved easily enough by coding the file or files copying which causes the problem, if they must be copied at all.
03/07/08 06:46
I have just eaten some more of the Wall’s Soft Scoop Raspberry Ripple ice-cream, bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath the other day and some of it eaten outside the store immediately after purchase. Now in the quiet calm of my home I detect instantly (well, within five minutes) that the ice-cream contains stimulant drugs. I conclude that most likely the antischizophrenic drugs affecting me in the evening on the day of purchase and overnight that night came from this ice-cream also but the effects initially were masked by the stimulant component. There is confirmatory evidence of an admixture of antischizophrenic drugs in my now fumbling rather - mis-keying at the keyboard for example - which tells me that the resolution of my neural processes is reduced.
I find this most objectionable, especially as I had been enjoying clear thinking in preparing a presentation for my website of recent anomalous EPODs (electronic proofs of delivery) shown by the Royal Mail website, which I have complained to my MP Ian Pearson about (that is, about the uselessness sometimes of information - sometimes in fact misleading or completely false information - given on the Royal Mail website).
I also prepared a series of screenshots showing failure of my computer system (Vista on the DIXONSXP) on copying certain files, the trigger I now believe to be the time of day the copying is done. Whence the flaw in the system basically originates I still cannot tell: clearly not all Vistas in the country can create faults for anyone copying files early in the morning. I have a suspicion that something inherent in all Vistas sold in the UK makes possible a download (an unauthorised download, even when Automatic Updates are not enabled) from the internet - possibly only via Virgin Media internet connections - triggering the flaw. This requires me to believe in collusion between Microsoft and Virgin Media, I know, but given that several supermarket chains in the country have been persuaded it is a desirable thing to supply me drugged foods I think that not impossible.
The perpetrators are fools to think that supplying alterations to the environment supposedly mimicking symptoms of schizophrenia - for example drugging the water supply or (if this is supposed to be a symptom of schizophrenia) paying motorists to drive in large numbers round roads in Kingswinford when Dawn and I are out and about - is going to model schizophrenia in any useful way. Since I find it so hard to believe people trained in the subject might believe such an ‘investigation’ could bear fruit I retain my presumption the continuation of The Experiment has a lot to do with the perpetrators not wanting to lose their jobs.
03/07/08 09:08
I am losing my clear view of where I am going (and even of where I am now) in what I am doing this morning. Once I might have thought this was blameable on tiredness from the mental processing I have done thus far this morning, albeit unnatural tiredness due to ASM in my metabolism probably from the day before. I understand sufficiently now to know that the reason this morning is that the ASM in the ice-cream I ate an hour or two ago is taking over precedence in influencing my activity (mainly activity of the mind) from the stimulant which so far has kept the debilitating effects at bay and in fact at first gave me a certain vigour verging on angry drive.
As usual I have been doing several things ‘at once’ (a methodology, as I have mentioned, my mother was given to in doing her housework) but now as I imply my capacity to organise myself for doing these several things in tandem is declining. This capacity I am now sure is implemented in structures like neural loops in the frontal brain. These make possible not so much short-term remembering as ‘programmable’ remembering, that is the memories can be discarded ‘at will’. This sort of memory is used to hold structures for processing until the processing is no longer needed. For example in an examination - certainly in mathematics - the structures required to answer a question are set up (an internally envisaged model, indeed) and manipulated as appropriate until either a resolution is reached - the right answer is found, or what one is convinced is the right answer - after which the internal model is discarded or rather supplanted by a summary version, or one runs out of time (possibly a self-imposed limit for that question, which brings in the desirability of planning for later planning). Likewise in working out for oneself - or in employment as some sort of researcher, if one’s heart is in it - explanatory theories (like the Theory of Relativity, to name one rather better known and with a wider influence than say my computations why and how foods in supermarkets come to contain drugs) an internal model is set up and manipulated until a resolution is achieved, marked by the surge or rush which is achievement emotion (although this may arise at stages along the route, and ultimately indeed every explanatory theory one finds for oneself is only a sub-theory to the entire question of what one is doing in life and why), or in the case of most people until they lose interest in favour of other activities possibly less cerebral (or alternative cerebral activities). Some of us though constantly return to unresolved conundrums until we think we understand everything (to a satisfactory level of detail, anyway).
It strikes me that my self-organisation now interfered with - this corresponding to blocking of control links downward from the frontal brain - I am obtaining interest (because I don’t feel particularly dismayed or unhappy at present, although regretting the fact that I may have to re-do some of the work I have done by virtue of not tying up loose ends adequately before this derailment into other matters) from forming a theory, or rather fitting facts to theories I have previously come up with, based on introspective observation corresponding to upward links into the frontal brain from the brain generally (which is self-awareness or self-consciousness in one of its versions).
My hope up above (at 09:08) was to list down what it was I was on with, so that even failing self-organisation would not defeat resumption when the drugs shall have worn off.
(1) I was preparing a website presentation of my last letter to Ian Pearson MP plus enclosures, which gave evidence of interference starting as long ago as 1974 with mail sent by and to me (presumably interference by the Royal Mail as an agent of the State as the State was when Harold Wilson was Prime Minister). This was to include evidence from recent screenshots taken of the Royal Mail website showing a number of anomalies.
(2) I had got so far with preparing my diary for the three days (or rather two and a bit) of July 2008 (this month) for upload to my website. I was in the process of scanning handwritten notes I made early yesterday morning (02-Jul-08) because in later typed notes I had said it would make sense to expose the earlier handwritten notes to show up the debilitating effect of drugs seemingly contained in foods bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath (the Blackheath near Birmingham, B65 0HG) the day before.
03/07/08 09:45
I now have muscle cramps - mild muscle cramps - in my left calf, and strange activity going on in my intestines.
03/07/08 09:59
Possibly because of ‘petering out’ of thought sequences due to dopamine-blockade I did not say as much as I might have about the ‘firmware’ memories which are discardable ‘at will’ and are used to hold internally envisaged models as they are worked with towards a hoped-for resolution into a brief and powerful explanatory summarisation or theory. As I implied, these memories (it seems a certain fact, unless this theory I am coming up with itself is wide of the mark, which judged by the usual measure of abstract theories untested against reality to any great statistical extent, that is internal consistency, seems most unlikely) are not implemented in the form of adapted synapses. Such adaptation takes a while - perhaps a long while - to ‘set’, that is many experiences have to accrue the memory (that is experiential memory, being some way towards abstract memory, and not memory traces of specific events which in not being generalised are less use in preparing for the future); whereas the ‘firmware’ memory is practically instant (this no doubt giving the reason why it has allowed mankind with the benefit of it to do so well so quickly in evolutionary terms). Being instant of course it is in a sense less trustworthy than the traditional, tried and tested, and this is (if things work well) made up for by the test of (as I say) internal consistency. No one really is going to acquire an understanding of the relativistic nature of the universe from experience over time accruing changes to their synapses (say by peering through a telescope every night for a number of years). It is - was - necessary for an internal model (put down on paper as best can be managed in mathematical symbols, to try to convey it to other people and record it for Einstein himself and for posterity) to be constructed through erection of these instantly remembered constructs, that is instantly set up and remembered but soon discarded if they fail the test of internal consistency. If the right combination of such constructs is arrived at it is like the winning combination of moves in a chess game (except it isn’t competitive) and the originator thinker knows he has the right answer (although occasionally such conviction is mistaken, for example in the case of I think it was Pascal trying to come up with some probability calculations) irrespective of recognition of the truth by anyone else.
In just this way I know I am right about The Experiment (and agents I speak to occasionally, eg on the phone purporting to be representatives of the PremierInn Wakefield City North, come close to agreeing the truth is as I say).
These ‘firmware’ memories are surely implemented as neural loops, and hence blocking synaptic transmission (of dopamine) interferes with them (or possibly with the control links from the frontal brain which keep them in order and in being).
My guess must be that there are readers of my website who understand this sort of stuff, even though the old-hat psychological-theorist perpetrators from Nottinghamshire (or Cambridge) who are trying their best do not; and this is the reason The Experiment lives on.
05/07/08 07:07 [Saturday]
Yesterday morning (yesterday was Independence Day as far as the United States goes) I got up early, although how early I cannot remember, and started on a letter to the West Midlands Chief Constable motivated by drugs I had suffered in foods bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath (near Rowley Regis by train) on Tuesday (01-Jul-08) and in a hot-dog bought in Birmingham city centre from a hot-dog stand on Thursday (03-Jul-08). I had later on Thursday started with a stomach upset, presumably blameable on the hot-dog, and overnight this past night I have suffered badly from continuation (and worsening, until I had emptied the contents of my bowels and my stomach through means including vomiting) of this ‘bug’.
On Tuesday at Blackheath we bought a 5l bottle of Sainsbury’s own-brand Caledonian water, and yesterday we bought two more from Sainsbury’s Merry Hill. It is not impossible the stomach bug originated from that water: I am now drinking more of it because the natural presumption failing definite evidence otherwise is that it is better for the health than water direct from the river. It seems a virtual impossibility that the stomach bug was due to drinking the river water, however, because I had been drinking it for some time - and have drunk it in the past - without any sign of difficulty. Still, I wait on events.
I must surely be right to blame my great discomfort since Thursday, and especially last night, on The Experiment. Clearly people can develop stomach bugs for natural reasons but the timing of this one (Dawn also suffered it, but two or three days before it came to me) tells me that I need not have suffered it but for The Experiment, and that the statistics of the stomach bugs I suffer over the course of my life is increased by the fact of The Experiment. I find this objectionable.
The worst drugs I was complaining to the Chief Constable about were antischizophrenic drugs, almost certainly from Wall’s Soft Scoop Raspberry Ripple ice-cream but possibly contained improperly in Milk of Magnesia or Müller Corners (all these bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath that day). The most likely offenders including all those I have just named I have chucked, but other foodstuffs bought that day from Sainsbury’s Blackheath I retain and have labelled them where and when they were bought.
I was working on the letter to the Chief Constable over a number of hours and began to feel the ‘tiredness’ I refer to in my diary entry of Thursday morning (at 03/07/08 09:08) which I see I blamed then on the Wall’s ice-cream from Blackheath, this being all I had taken by mouth (almost certainly) that morning, Thursday. (Except possibly river water, which it is not a physical impossibility had been tampered with stored at home while we have been out in recent days, given the downgrading of security created out of Dawn’s suffering drugs with a stimulant component, a week ago or more. Because in recent days I have fetched water down from storage in the loft the most likely scenario if I am to blame the water is that when we were out all day in London - two days in fact, that is Thursday and Friday just over a week ago - illicit access to the loft was gained.)
Reflecting on this it seems the most likely possibility. I chose Sainsbury’s Blackheath by a randomisation process, but my best guess since going there Tuesday and suffering as I have said - given of course that the suffering included reduction in my powers of thought caused by ASM - had been that some specific drugged items had been rushed onto the shelves before we got there. Probably something readily tracked like a medication (Milk of Magnesia), I thought. Support to this notion is given also by the timing, as best I can remember, of Dawn’s suffering the stomach ailment as against myself suffering it (compared to when as far as I remember we each drank water from the different sources of water we have).
Therefore The Experiment has caused me to entirely waste my efforts writing the letter to the Chief Constable, but on the other hand I can feel confident the process of randomly choosing a store to shop at for food is sound. Also the food I have kept, bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath, is almost certainly OK. Of course the cost is put on me of extra security, given that illicit access was gained to our loft, but that is nothing compared to what I have lost (in time, effort and money) in the past, over several decades. I must say I cannot in the least understand the morals of people who do such things to me and now us. My hope is that this is a last fling before the termination of The Experiment with payment to me of a large pension in compensation.
05/07/08 07:59
I point out that this experience of the stomach bug has not been, in my case, so debilitating as treatment with antischizophrenic drugs. The reason, in my case but possibly not in everybody’s case, is that I have been able to think and remember clearly (certainly relatively clearly, although I do seem to have been somewhat affected in recent days, intermittently, by antischizophrenic drugs reducing the resolution of my neural processes) so have been able to compute with fair confidence (that is well-founded confidence that I am right, as against the brash pretend confidence put on for purposes of communication rather than as an aid to one’s own assessments of things, recommended by some ‘psychological theorists’) the sequence of events, and learn what must be done to evade such unpleasure in the future. Of course the cost to me (in suffering with the idea of my coming out with these explanations how the mind - or my mind, certainly - works) is unnatural that is a thing rarely foisted on people by ‘Society’ but for whatever reason I do not feel inclined to withhold such explanations of how my mind works from the world in general (meaning, I hope, not just available to those who have made me suffer). This contrasts, of course, with my secretiveness when I am under the influence of ASM, so at least I can hope by publishing these findings to show that to give me ASM is not a desirable thing for anyone (except perhaps those like Armond - but also his co-perpetrators, whom unfortunately I have no names for - who are exposed as having behaved so badly in the past).
05/07/08 08:16
Regarding reliance on oneself as against hoping for help from others where those others may, concerting together, have more ability than oneself: I reiterate what I have said about the ‘Nanny State’, that is no one can be so motivated to help others as to help himself. In more ordinary cases than mine, I agree people can - and they need to - rely on friends. The ‘tribe’ - the collection of friends, as I am calling them here - have in the usual case sufficiently common interests to be able to inter-rely for many purposes. However, when the people one is relying on - the people to be relied on by individuals in need of help, such as the disabled - are employees of the State then they are being simply paid to put on a show of common interest, and (as one finds in practice, indeed) it doesn’t work. They have more interest in their pay (some more than others, of course), and especially so if their ‘work’ is not adequately assessed for success or otherwise. Psychiatric carers (in particular) assess their own ‘work’, that is psychiatrists, relying on reports from nurses whose pay depends on having patients under care, decide who needs to be kept in care.
The case of a charity (this sounds very Thatcherite, but honestly my belief is that it is soundly based in logic) is different. Especially if the workers in the charity are personally motivated (say by having a family member who suffers from whatever is being treated with the help) they are in it for something other than pay: they genuinely have common interest with the sufferers being helped. Naturally charities sometimes grow into massive organisations which are almost as bad as the Nanny State, where many workers are in it mainly for the pay, but the essential difference I believe remains, where workers or anyway leader managers in a charity have personally involved motivation, apart from being paid.
The ‘tribe’ more generally considered is neither a charity nor the Nanny State, but is a collection of mates with genuinely common interests (in some fields). Here in most cases I agree (as I said) people can, and they need to, rely on their mates. In my case, the only person whose self-interest is inextricably bound up with mine is Dawn. Others - including my parents in the past and Dawn’s family in the present (some more so than others) - have trusted expert opinion and have set aside their natural cleaving with me (and us - Dawn and me). My father occasionally exhibited distress in doing so, but because the way I was able to convey the truth to him, that is the truth of what I was feeling as well as the theory explaining why it was wrong that I was treated as I was being, was restricted by the restricting medication, he soon got over his distress. And of course with habituation - year after year of the same - he (and people in general) cease to feel what they would initially have felt,.
The reason I am able now to expose all this is that I am damn clever, and I have managed one way or another to get to a condition where even the thrusting of drugs on me reducing my cleverness I am clever enough to counter. A helpful prerequisite of course was my antecedent knowledge when I was first treated, about schizophrenia. As I have explained, most patients even the cleverest being treated with drugs take it for granted that even though their cleverness is reduced they would be worse off without the drugs; that is it does not occur to them, misadvised by psychiatrists basing what they say on drug company publicity whose main purpose is to sell drugs, that the drugs are actually reducing their cleverness (that is, clarity of thought and memory). This situation is helped along by giving money to drugged patients (Social Security) so they are less motivated to escape, but merely go along with the status quo. And of course those assessing whether the situation should be continued - psychiatric carers - are also given money by the State so long as the situation continues.
I did intend to say something more specific about recent ‘help’ offered by ‘the Authorities’ in advising me on personal alarms, presumably so that I should go about with less fear of being ‘chloroformed over the face’ and hypnotised, but I must have breakfast.
05/07/08 09:43
It strikes me as not impossible that what may have been a hypnotic invitation to state my case in a letter to the West Midlands Chief Constable was hoped to give a clue what it is I object to in ‘The Experiment’, perhaps more to decide whether it is worth paying the perpetrators in its continuance than (what I myself would have presumed) to decide how much to pay me on its termination (soon, I hope). Money talks, and The Experiment cannot continue if funding is not provided to pay the otherwise-out-of-work actors who stooge and the motorists who drive in large numbers at certain times (unnatural times) round Kingswinford.
What I object to in The Experiment fundamentally is that time is taken from me which otherwise I could freely choose how to use. This includes periods (decades in the past) when time was taken from me in the sense that I could not use my mind to take advantage in any sensible way of the time (when I was drugged constantly, sometimes with absurdly high dosages). The formula which measures quality of life may have a component in it saying it is a positive to dine out with friends, but as far as I am concerned in the main I’d rather be using my time otherwise. And if I were to choose to dine out with friends, being free to agree a time mutually suitable would be essential. In the past I have been led to dine out (with Barbara in particular) but because the time was not of my choosing (paying attention also to my companion’s desires, but that in the case of Barbara she was a paid companion not an agent entirely free to make up her own mind) it was less pleasure than it might have been (however it did alleviate the unpleasure of the preceding decades).
The use I would make of my time if I were freed of The Experiment cannot be predicted, since in the way of things people respond according to events - that is events arising in a natural way with natural statistics giving rise to sensible learning from experience. Regarding this latter I have to say that being assaulted in Bristol police cells was not a useful learning experience, since even though perhaps police do sometimes treat people improperly the facts of my case made it an unnatural treating-improperly (perpetrated in any case not by police but by a security firm for which a ‘health authority’ was responsible while police stood by).
The use I would make of my time however pretty certainly would include pursuing my enquiries - introspectively based but since maturity including interaction with other people - into the workings of the human mind, and (unlike ordinary psychological theorising) in sufficient detail to be programmed (subparts of it, in particular perceptual processes especially visual) on a computer. It seems most likely that my records as I went along would be published on the internet as a weblog, and possibly (depending on how much sense conventional publishers have) eventually as a book or more than one book. In conventional life I would - if any threat were removed - be happy to spend time with Dawn’s family. On the recent occasion when Dawn and I went with her son to Skegness things were going fine (for all of us, I think) until firstly he gave notice that he had been pre-prepared by making the trip a few days previous and secondly (the following morning) I was interfered with by some combination of hypnosis and drugging.
A specific example of waste of my time and resources is to be found in the letter I drafted yesterday to the West Midlands Chief Constable. The letter was based on a misapprehension (by my recent assessment), that is that drug effects I and Dawn suffered recently came from foods bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath and from the hot-dog stand in Temple Row Birmingham. This misapprehension arose out of deliberate perpetration (as far as I can see) through invasion of our home (the loft) which was not perhaps intended to lead to the consequence of my wasting effort writing a nonsensical letter, but certainly was intended to pervert statistics on the health risks of drinking river water. In the judgment of the perpetrators it is more healthy to drink bottled water which has a certain probability of containing drugs (sometimes antischizophrenic drugs) than to drink river water which it’s true may occasionally cause stomach upset but (as I say) the statistics - the frequency of our suffering from the river water - were deliberately altered. My judgment is different, and surely only I can know how much I suffer from antischizophrenic drugs, no matter how hard I try to explain it to my readers (many of whom have fixed preconceptions, I suspect).
Earlier I ate a few McVitie’s Rich Tea biscuits and then scrambled egg on toast (the bread used coming from Sainsbury’s Blackheath I believe). None of these items seem to have contained drugs. I have been drinking the Sainsbury’s Caledonian water bought at Blackheath, and most recently some of that bought last night at Merry Hill.
05/07/08 10:19
The desirable course following trespass into our loft leading to assault on our digestive systems would be for the police to catch the perpetrators and eventually for them to be punished for causing us this hurt. This course is not likely to follow, for the reason that the hurt caused has been out of proportion to the available evidence of the origin of the hurt. Just as with other forms of weaponry than drugs, it is relatively easy to cause hurt and get away with it. Surely the perpetrators suffer not precisely from lack of morals as from a double-think attitude which blinds them to the possibility (ultimately this is what it’s about) that antischizophrenic drugs (and other drugs combined with hypnotic suggestion) cause immensely greater hurt than they can understand.
05/07/08 10:33
I have copied my Documents to the auxiliary hard drive without a hitch. I did the copying in bits and pieces, leaving the folder Sbridge library 18-Jun-08 which seemed to cause the copying to stop the other day till last. Now I think back though, the conclusion I came up with was that most likely copying was made to fail depending on the time of day (that is if it was early in the morning). Possibly the source of the flawing (downloaded from the internet, I should think) is made to clear itself after the first day of difficulty: at least so I may hope.
... I have tried to make plain that the sole reason for my withholding information is if it might make it easier to get drugs into me and particularly noisome drugs like antischizophrenic drugs.
05/07/08 13:39
Having looked again at the letter I prepared to the Chief Constable, it does contain a large quantity of information relating to improper ways I have been treated in addition to the allegations against Sainsbury’s Blackheath and the Temple Row hot-dog stand which I am now by no means certain of. I may therefore re-work it making less specific claims as to the origin of my recent malaise (that is, particularly the recent unclarity of thought due to antischizophrenic drugs, which may yet have come from the ice-cream or something else bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath since the timing of that debilitation did not seem to correspond with the timing of the debilitation due to the ‘stomach bug’) and after re-working it send it.
Thinking about the participants in ‘The Experiment’ who are supposed to look after my interests, it may be that they take the view that as far as possible (given that presumably they as well as those I call ‘perpetrators’ rely for their income on the continuance of The Experiment) I should be allowed to choose my own means of making my complaints known, and even of making them effective. Regrettably though (I conclude) they are not wholly independent: for example while ‘allowing’ me to be sent an authorisation to return to Russells Hall Hospital so that the hospital can send details of my medical treatment to my MP Ian Pearson, they nevertheless passed as OK a section in it, surely not naturally part of it, for a witness to attest my signature. The purpose of this I take it was to hint that having friends (‘not a family member’) is a desirable thing, but nevertheless it introduced an impediment not naturally present to someone in a parallel position to mine but unencumbered with observers with their own ideas of propriety regarding human fellowship (or its absence). What I did was return the form signed but unwitnessed, and of course if I choose to pay the admin fee to retrieve my own medical records I could send them myself to Ian Pearson.
05/07/08 18:32
This afternoon we have been to Wolverhampton mainly for the purpose of buying new West Midlands travel passes, starting tomorrow (for today we bought bus day tickets). We also went to Maplins for general use items (electromagnetic relays plus sockets for them: sparing no expense I am hoping to make more use of this safer method of plugging them into sockets instead of soldering to them directly) and to Woolworths where I bought two 75cl bottles of Buxton water and some wine gums, while Dawn bought two garden ornaments (I also bought one or two items of homeware as you might call it). Dawn was flagging by now and trying to ascertain the cause, especially given that I myself felt fairly OK (but had had seeming, but slight, stimulant effects after eating a hot-dog from a stand in Dudley Street, rather as I had had, or thought I had had, in Temple Row Birmingham the other day), the best I could come up with was that it was her Risperdal tablets reducing her get-up-and-go. We went to a café we have never been to before, because Dawn said she was hungry (again presumably an effect of her Risperdal) and she had orange Lucozade (very specifically requesting it) while I had Heinz tomato soup. On the bus home Dawn said her stomach was upset (in fact she had taken an Imodium tablet in Wolverhampton without really seeming to need it, and my view based on my own experience yesterday is if used unwisely they do more harm than good, clogging up the system as it were) while I myself was very slightly sleepy, corresponding to an effect I have had quite a lot, and had especially when we were in the Doncaster area living at the park home, of stimulant effects from foods in cafés while out and about seemingly given to counter overall lethargy from risperidone or similar administered somehow as a constant (eg via the water supply when I was less cautious of that).
06/07/08 03:49 [Sunday]
I woke up probably over half an hour ago now feeling my mind was clear of distractive influence, and in fact lay in bed awhile before getting up as my mind getting going came to this conclusion. (Needless to say I was very happy - I experienced pleasure - in this freedom of my mind.) This happy situation was suspended for a period after I got up and I did ponder whether ‘nighttime voicing’ might be contributory to the distraction. This is not easy to believe as my memory seems perfectly clear, that is I cannot fit in anywhere an interval not covered by clear memory in which the voicing might have been perpetrated (the only possibility I suppose being if it occurred before I woke up, but in that case surely I should not have woken up happy to have such a feeling of clarity and freedom of thought). My conclusion is that the interruption to the freedom of my thinking processes occurred in getting up and moving about ‘to face the day’, because of the increase in the processing load in doing so. Now presumably the different parts of my brain having got going equally - that is (the way I understand it) the seriatim having caught up - I feel just as happy and free in my thinking but am able to cope with physical activities (including typing this) at the same time as the interesting cogitations I woke up with ‘at the back of my mind’ still continuing.
These cogitations (almost needless to say) related to Visual scene analysis. The latest version of the prog I seem to have, having found out backup discs yesterday, is still the one dated 2008-03-31, even though I know I made improvements (or rather slight amendments to get the prog to work as required) towards the start of April and then later on again similar improvements - not being able to find record of the April work - done afresh. The results of these latter (but probably not the code) I did set out on my website, so I am now intending to look at what I had to say there.
06/07/08 04:11
However, now I reflect, what was going through my mind immediately before starting this diary entry (03:49) was an exposition in general terms of the basis of the latest work on Visual scene analysis. The original motivation had been to separate characters mistakenly run together (for OCR purposes) by identifying the very dark spots where the ‘over-inking’ between the characters - mistakenly joining them - was to be seen (that is, very dark by the judgment of the human eye - my eye). To cut a long story short, this meant finding a measure of local ‘blackdensity’. One’s immediate idea in attempting such a thing might well be to take a moving average of greyscale locally, and the darker the average greyscale the higher the blackdensity. I don’t think I have actually tried this, and my feeling is it wouldn’t work.
The way I have proceeded is to use as the measure of blackdensity at each point (each pixel) a weighted average, computed over a local region but in theory computed over the entire visual field. (Because of the rapid diminution - by the formula exp ( - d . x 2 ) - of contributions from a distance x away it is only necessary to do the computation locally.) Why the formula exp ( - d . x 2 ) is of any use it is difficult to say. In use for comparison of characters (‘similaritymeasure’) it seems to work well in practice. The ‘bell curve’ of the graph of the formula tells us that up to a certain distance x the contribution is reasonable (although declining as x increases) but after a certain point diminishes rapidly.
This formula, I have a suspicion, must be widely applicable in modelling the way neurons interact. For example in reinforcement of memory: if identical exemplars are presented successively one soon after the other, the strength of reinforcement is disproportionately greater than if exemplars are presented not clustered but spread evenly some distance (in time) apart. As I have said of cars along a motorway, if several of the same make come past immediately (or almost immediately) one after the other, in clusters, the effect is to alert one (to suspicion something is afoot: perhaps emissions from a factory being transferred to a wholesaler; or perhaps an army exercise - especially if the vehicles are army vehicles) more than if the same number of vehicles in total come along evenly spaced.
Put like that, it seems obvious that clusters are going to be of relevance to perceiving organisms more so than overall averages. If I see a field of uniform grey: well, so what: it is of no help to me and as part and parcel of that, of no interest. If however there are darker patches in amongst a grey background, my interest is necessarily alerted, and I begin to ponder what the explanation is or the basis of the clustering. (Actually if I am an organism without a seriatim I do not ponder the causal antecedents but form an image in memory of clusters which occur repeatedly, over a region in space or over a period of time.)
06/07/08 05:11
I started looking at my website diary for April and became absorbed in what was made evident there about the drugging and interference (presumed to include hypnotising interference) I have suffered for three months (but seemingly now abating). My hope is that the basis for the interference is what I believed towards the start of April it might be: that is to assess the hurt done to me - its nature and degree - by similar interference in the past perpetrated on other bases.
Unfortunately I have found little to help me on with Visual field analysis (as I was calling it instead of Visual scene analysis).
06/07/08 05:35
Ploughing on with examining the website diary I have found a number of errors relating to sizes of images (in the month May 2008), and some of the annexory pages (for example the page relating to Sian Phillips is an annexory page) are formatted differently from others (as regards the tables presented - or not presented - at the top of them). I am almost interested enough to think about making corrections to such anomalies.
I must note down that I have drunk a cup of tea made using one of the tea-bags thus far sound (and kept in a safe at home), sugar thus far sound, and water bought yesterday at Woolworths Wolverhampton (Buxton water in the 75cl size). As yet I note no drug effects, although I went through an interval of tiredness (of the eyes in particular) which I take to indicate I got up somewhat earlier than would have been natural, more likely as part of the working-out of sleep disturbance following recent drugging than due to being wakened unnaturally by nighttime voicing or some deliberate noise.
06/07/08 05:51
I find at the end of May the work I recalled having led to some images where blackdense regions were shown up in purple. I find also a day or two earlier reference to the character-thinning prog I wrote some months previously, but not the images I thought I had included to show the output of that prog.
... I find the images were uploaded but there is no link to them from the HTML of May 2008 (not in my version locally, at least). The images were - or should have been - May2008-47.jpg and May2008-48.jpg. These omissions have something to do (almost certainly) with the fact that I was not updating my website diary so much in June as ordinarily I would (in fact from some date around the end of May: I recall the last two or three days of May were for a while put up as a separate entity on my index page). It was not for the usual reason though of wanting to defend myself by concealing and destroying information, and the difference can be seen in the fact that I still have my June diary intact on this computer locally and have every intention of putting it up on my website when I have an opportunity. I would think in terms of hypnotising suggestion to emulate what causes me, under the influence of ASM, to withhold or destroy information.
06/07/08 06:04
The images May2008-47.jpg and May2008-48.jpg were available on my website in the uploaded version at 30-May-08; they disappeared in fact between the versions of 13-Jun-08 and 25-Jun-08 (and there were no versions uploaded between these two dates). The latter (25-Jun-08) was a version put up evidently to tidy up the end of May, the last three days of May being presented on the index page under a heading SEEING THE LAST OF MAY. The other change between 13-Jun-08 and 25-Jun-08 was the inclusion of my diary for 05/06/08 and the change therein of June from interim to updated interim version.
The essence of the difference between last September (which also I think saw an interim version to start with) and June just gone lies in the September case being down to my own intention, whereas this June an attempt has been made to insert hypnotically into my mind the intention or goal of withholding or destroying information. I take it this has been the point, to try to determine what it is I - or people - want (will) as compared to what they can through hypnosis be induced to will. My view is that Will is determined by long-range more abstract prognostications (of benefit and disbenefit) - estimated using the seriatim frontal brain to model the world well out of the here-and-now - and because hypnotic interference displaces the seriatim (indeed requires some method, such as use of drugs, which suppresses the subject’s own seriatim) it cannot (unless continuously employed, and the subject constantly suppressed year after year as I was with antischizophrenic drugs) alter essentially the Will. It can only alter lower-level processes through which the Will is put into effect - say interfere with them through post-hypnotic effects - although possibly to an extent making prosecution of what had been willed so onerous as to be discontinued. Of course if the effect of the post-hypnosis is to cause the subject to take drugs or otherwise make himself liable (without truly willing it) to further hypnosis, then the effects may go on and on. In my case it is to a certain degree onerous to ensure (as best I can) that I am not drugged - for example I ought really to entirely eschew eating out, although I do give in to the extent that I think estimation of a low probability that foods supplied in cafés will be drugged allows - but it is not so onerous as to be impossible to hope to avoid the drugs. Also, of course, by making strenuous attempts to evade drugging - collecting river water, for example - I give unmistakable notice communicatively that I do not consent and certainly do not desire to be drugged. (Regarding the river water I do have a slight niggle that it might not be best for the health, so given the current seeming frequency of drugs in bottled water I shall intend to procure bottled water, but still as safely - using randomisation or at least unpredictability - as I can.)
06/07/08 07:11
I have found (on my auxiliary hard drive) a copy of my folder of VB progs dated 080614, and presume it will contain the work I did at the end of May on Visual field analysis.
06/07/08 07:17
The latest version I can find is Visual field analysis 080607 2135 in a subfolder I now call (evidently) _Documents VBV current (VB1).
06/07/08 07:53
Despite what I said about not having calculated simply a moving average of greyscale across the ‘visual field’ that is the scanned lineage, I find I did in fact do so in essence by finding that the most useful value for dparam was zero. This implies that there is no diminution according to distance away, of the contribution to the blackdensity summation at a point from a nearby (dark) pixel. The moving average (that is, the field of moving averages) naturally depends on the bandwidth over which the averages are calculated.
In using for my example a scanned lineage of text (although I often say putatively of text) and moreover, initially scaling it to make the tramlinesize = 8, I am making the inherent presumption that the field of greyscale is arranged in a certain way, that is according to how text in English is printed. If not then it will not be possible to find tramlines and scale them to be eight pixels apart. It means - this scaling - that I can with useful confidence make presumptions about the bandwidth to calculate the moving averages over, for blackdensity purposes. The very dark blotches where characters mistakenly run together can be thought of as over-printing, that is where part of one character is printed in the same space as part of the abutting character. We may therefore usually expect such blotches to be especially black, perhaps twice as black (by some way of measuring) as the usual black lines making up characters. The bandwidth for the moving average calculation should be of the order of expected overlapping, which will be from one pixel in size, up to the thickness of black lines of which characters are composed (but a bit bigger to average out local fluctuations from pixel to pixel).
In the more general case of a field of greyscale the initial analysis would determine sizes and shapes of regions of darkness which in the case of English text would resolve into the tramlines. Scaling (for the purpose of comparing objects seen near or from afar) would follow the same basis as making the tramlinesize = 8.
I take it (since I come up so quickly with such a clear and effective solution to a problem bugging me for over a year) that I am now free of ASM and can think.
06/07/08 12:00
I have got so far combining the ideas above with the starting point of the finishing point (or at least breaking point) I reached last month. I have adapted the moving-average function for blackdensity (as in effect it was) to produce as output a field of values suitable to be used to adapt (subtractively) the values otherwise arrived at for the greyscale field of the lineage of text. This seems not too bad, but of course the parameter to be used in scaling the values to be subtracted is uncertain in its method of determination (I have guessed at values so far, producing sensible-looking output) and in particular dark blotches seem not to be lightened sufficiently and light areas seem to be lightened more than is ideal. The reason for this must be associated with too-dark blotches only actually ever cropping up rarely, and almost always where adjacent characters run together improperly.
Resulting from the need I imply for a better theoretical analysis, I have arranged for the graphing of popularity of different values of blackdensity (just as I did with greyscale itself, to determine what darkness counts as black based on the numbers of pixels which are judged to be ‘dark’ enough to be ‘black’).
In the case of greyscale the way I distinguish black from white is to divide the area under the plot of ‘popularities’ into half; the lighter part (a smaller range of greyscale, up towards pure white, given the larger counts there of ‘popularity’) is considered the ‘white’ range. In considering this as a model of natural processes, I must consider it as a subsystem of the visual system, a subsystem which detects lines (such subsystems having been identified empirically, eg in cat retina). In judging the reasonableness of my functions for (say) distinguishing black from white I need to convince myself not so much that this is in fact how neural structures in nature perform the task (clearly the mechanisms they use are different from those in electronic digital computers) but rather that this way of doing it will result in something useful in nature and empirically approximates results observed from natural mechanisms.
In the case of making improperly abutting characters distinct it is easy to see that altering only those blotches of blackdensity dark enough to be quite possibly due to over-printing is likely to work, but it is not immediately obvious how natural means of discounting very dark blotches (presumably to show up information better by use of contrast - the converse of restricting great brightness through mechanisms including pupillary contraction) will be parameterised to lead to the same result. It must be the fact that it is done in some way using some parameters, by virtue of the very ability that the human eye has to distinguish improperly abutting printed characters, and surely not from having specially evolved for the purpose since the date printing (or writing) was invented.
06/07/08 13:09
Within the past half hour or so we have had breakfast (fried egg and sausages with toast and Lurpak butter) and I have eaten a Flake chocolate bar. Now I am affected by drugs with principally stimulant effects. I suspect rather the Flake than the items for breakfast. The Flake was bought the afternoon in Birmingham the seemingly drugged hot-dog was bought, together with other chocolate bars from Woolworths and these other bars have given rise to suspicion too.
The symptoms are a feeling of fullness of the abdomen, a feeling of hotness (with sweating), an odd feeling in the nasal passages (presumably corresponding to dilatation) and pins-and-needles in my left little finger. I must presume (and hope) it is a close-to-the-physical stimulant.
06/07/08 13:31
Over the past hour I have been stopped in my tracks with what I was doing, because I can no longer internally envisage as I had been able to. The effect of this is to suddenly deprive me of the pleasure I was getting out of what I was doing, doing at the same time as interacting competently with external reality. As a result my bitterness and (indeed) hatred of those I take to be among the psychiatric brotherhood in Britain re-arises: they are taking still more hours from my life, additional to all I have lost in the past. I do not understand why they do what they do, but I am sure it has no ethical basis but is either founded simply in continuing what has gone on in the past, or (more hopefully for me) is a last fling while they decide to understand the hurt they do me.
I have just come immediately (it seems to me) from sitting on the toilet to the living room, turned on the computer and sat down to start to type. The clarity of my memory seems relatively good, and I can remember that when I was sitting on the toilet I was close to sleep and correspondingly my memory for that minute or two is incomplete. Specifically, I cannot clearly recall flushing the toilet, but I must have done so (and before getting up from sitting on it) because as I got up (in fact before I got up) I could hear it flushing, and although I had passed water into the pan it was clear after I got up (the slight surprise at finding it clear was what alerted me and then I noticed and now remember that as I stood up it was flushing: the surprise was occasioned in the fact that I could not remember initiating the flushing and expected to have to actuate the handle after I got up).
Because of stiffness of my bowels related to a further access of the ‘stomach bug’ of recent days I did not evacuate my bowels. I faintly recall urinating standing up before sitting down thinking I might empty my bowels. My conclusion is that I might well have suffered hypnosis while sitting on the toilet, still half asleep having got up from my bed a minute or two earlier.
On the other hand (thinking now more fully how such a crime might be planned and put into effect) the only reasons (in combination) I have for suspecting hypnosis is the incomplete memory - which might simply be a natural consequence of being half asleep still while sitting on the toilet - combined with the fact of having suffered something akin to hypnosis in the past. To have spoken hypnotising words to me in the last few minutes as I sat on the toilet would have required a foregoing intention and plan on the perpetrators’ part to do so - which they might have - but also the inactivation of the side security light (unless my memory of its turning on just now has been erased or has naturally disappeared) together with a willingness to wait for exactly the opportunity when I came and sat on the toilet plus a means of ensuring the hypnotising words were spoken only when I was in a state suitable to be hypnotised (presumably, that is, while sitting relaxed on the toilet) and hypnotised well enough to create amnesia. All this without much feedback from me, other than seeing the bathroom ceiling light turn on at a certain time (because presumably hypnotisers outside the bathroom window could not be sure to hear any words I might utter, or other signal I might give, in response).
So on the whole I feel pretty certain I was not hypnotised, and blame the initial suspicion I had been on a condition of unnatural sleepiness due to drugs in my metabolism (drugs associated also with bringing back the ‘stomach bug’, although possibly not necessarily the same drugs but rather given in combination with them, perhaps even so that - part of the reason - I should have notice from the physical discomfort that drugs were in my metabolism) plus as I say the certain fact that in the past I have been hypnotised or similar and in those cases then, for reasons I do not fully understand. If I had never heard anything of The Experiment I daresay even given these same drugs I should not imagine - certainly not have an instant presumption requiring mental processing to dispel through logical reasoning - that I had been hypnotised.
As I was waking up, in slight discomfort in bed due to the ‘stomach bug’ about 1.30 am by my estimate, thoughts were going through my mind on blame and related questions to do with punishment for crime. These arose from the initial idea that some might think - in fact my guess is that I am invited to think this - that I had been the cause of my own discomfort from the ‘stomach bug’ through drinking river water. (My guess is that this latest access comes from having drunk a very small quantity from a safe in our passage yesterday, when this was the most convenient place to fetch water from which was required - a small quantity to top up - to boil spaghetti at lunch-time yesterday. My best guess therefore is that the combination-number on that safe was found out, presumably through trial and error, at the time the loft also was accessed and the water there contaminated, that is most likely the days we went to London. This might mean - but it is by no means certain - that foodstuffs in the safes in the loft, which then had the same combination-number, are now sound whether or not when I put them there they contained drugs, as I thought they did this being the reason for securing them there as evidence or otherwise for later retrieval.)
It is virtually a certain fact that Other People have caused me (and Dawn) this stomach discomfort, the reason being something to do with inviting me to blame myself and give some response based on that, or explain what I think about blame in that sort of meaning. The best gloss I can put on it is that the basic purpose is not mere curiosity - to see how I react or what I say - but rather in relation to blameability of people in the past - most notoriously Armond, whom again I was thinking of as a chief culprit last night when I found out my diary again for September 1987 - and my view what should be done with them. However I have answered this before, in my website diary for Sunday 27 April 2008:
As regards punishing Armond, my attitude is that because no punishment is going to be sufficient I do not want myself to suffer anything further (that is, any further drugging) in order to better assess the degree of his guilt. The man can go to Hell on his own time. My recommendation for British psychiatrists is re-training at Guantanamo Bay, and for trainee and would-be psychiatrists drowning as perinatally as possible.
I have not altered my attitude at all in the intervening two months (and a bit). There were reasons for what Armond did (centring on his inadequate comprehension of things) but the hurt he caused me - concerting to a degree I do not myself know with others in the Experiment from its outset - has been so immense, involving the loss to me of decades out of my life, that as far as I am concerned I am not competent to say what punishment is fit, and if I am to give my view the punishment should be execution. Because there is not likely to be any satisfactory punishment imposed, and because it seems most unlikely any other person will be made to suffer as I have so there is no need for practical reasons to assess a punishment, I should like to be exempted from future suffering myself if the basis of that suffering is related to assessing degrees of guilt and what punishment is appropriate.
I think psychiatry as practised in Britain (and no doubt elsewhere) does more harm than good, and the budget for psychiatry from Government resources should be made zero. I cannot recommend pensioning psychiatrists currently employed. Compulsion on mental health grounds should cease, to be replaced if people said to be mentally ill commit crimes by compulsion (in the ordinary way, that is into prison or to have money taken through fining) under the ordinary criminal law.
As I was waking up I had more interesting thoughts than these, on the moral question of blame, but I hope I shall now be in a condition to have a change of subject and get back to Visual field analysis programming, leaving philosophical questions on blame to a book I might write in the future.
07/07/08 07:42
I have had a further (say) three hours’ sleep, going back to bed on becoming tired after writing two (or perhaps three) letters additional to those I wrote yesterday. I am surely correct to think of this broken sleep as working-out of sleep disturbance following my latest ingestion of mind-altering drugs (yesterday, before I had genuinely got over the drugs ingested the previous day or two).
... Looking back (initially to try to decipher how affected I had been on Saturday by drugs, given that I understand quite clearly the sequence of events yesterday Sunday) I see that the sequence this morning - early waking with work based on mental activity in the small hours followed by tiredness and sleep - is much the same as last Wednesday morning. More generally, drug effects suffered last week as well as yesterday (but less so yesterday given that by then I distrusted the stored river water and risked only a very small quantity of it) may all have been caused by river water I drank - and Dawn to a degree - which had been in storage and was got at the Thursday and Friday of the week preceding last week, when we spent days in London. I cannot remember for sure though at what stage I got the river water down from the loft. My idea was to test it - not at all taking it for granted that after weeks in storage there it would not have been got at (particularly since I half-remember, or seem to, queries from hypnotising voicers about some ultimately secure store of water - and other things, say ‘evidence’ of one sort or another - meaning that in the loft) - and basically get rid of it, or certainly reduce it in quantity. I had wanted to rely more on a continuous turnover of water fetched regularly from the river (particularly since I half-remember, or seem to, suggestions - which I thought not bad suggestions - from nighttime voicers representing ‘the Authorities’ that I should get into a regular routine, that is in my usage a regular routine of obtaining and ‘turning over’ water from a certainly undrugged source the best being the river). The reason I agreed getting into a regular routine would be a good thing - provided it was not a regular routine of relying on water which I knew could at the Authorities’ choice be turned perverse (ie the water supplied to our taps by South Staffs Water) - was that should I be debilitated at some future time by ASM continuance of such a routine would be relatively easy, as against needing to think to break a routine. In the past I have had difficulty, becoming entrapped in reliance on unsafe tapwater because the dosage of ASM from it gradually stepping up (and my routine of unsafe times of collecting it, that is perhaps getting into the habit of drawing water from the tap on getting up in the morning) I have continued the routine and not been able (when the dosage has become high enough to interfere significantly with my ability to think for myself in novel and creative ways and introduce in practice novelties to the routine) to break the routine. This is the sense in which I say ASM can be addictive. It is addictive if it becomes the easiest thing to do, to continue accepting it. This was how it was for me in 2006 after Dr G had entrapped me by gradually introducing risperidone to me in dosages stepping up bit by bit. Eventually I became unable to satisfactorily state my case to prescribing doctors seemingly responsible, such as Eid in April 2006, when - on Saturday 29 April 2006 - I had this to say:
In that case might it be an idea to explain the deleterious effects to Dr E, as at one time I used to attempt with Armond? That would entail a lengthy discussion about the basis of my supposed diagnosis and the basis of the decision which supposed drugs to use on me. I still can’t work out if Armond - or doctors in the present time - genuinely think I am schizophrenic. The ‘symptoms’ I have presented were faked-up with drugging and environmental alteration, but Dr G (for example) last year flatly declined to entertain any possibility that I had in fact suffered spiking with drugs. The answer must be he was instructed to flatly deny it. What other course could there be if it was decided I must be detained with some appearance of validity?
I have no sense of completeness to terminate these remarks in a satisfying way. There’s another aspect of ASM effects similar to effects of schizophrenia: perseveration, as it’s called in schizophrenia, and in the ASM case comparably a lack of a feeling of completeness (but perhaps usually not obvious in the latter case due to lack of energy - caused by the ASM - to pursue what is in train even though it has not been completed).
I hope this explains the fear I have of entrapment, and I hope this explanation is widely available and not just to those who may have ulterior motives for wishing me to continue - or resume - to be stilled by ASM (this latter fear coming back to me since I recently found out again my diary from September 1987 which seems almost for sure to indicate there was improper persuasion - for improper reasons - on me from the Armond camp, to accept continuous administration of antischizophrenic drugs). It is not usual - I learn from Dawn’s past experience, for example - for patients to be so insistently maintained on antischizophrenic drugs as I have been. Speaking of Dawn: when I went with her to see Eid in
07/07/08 08:34
I break off there realising that there is little point putting a lot of explanation in my website diary if it is mainly for the benefit of people with an intrinsic interest - and not for my own good - that I should be medicated with stilling antischizophrenic drugs. I should be interested to know who puts up funds, say to pay motorists to drive in unnaturally large numbers round Kingswinford. My thought is that it is funded by the British Government and not by some ‘private army’ allied to Armond and Kate Bush’s Dad, and that ‘The Experiment’ as it now stands, while receiving encouragement from those who wish to protect Armond and others who have misbehaved in the past, is presented to authorisers of government funding as useful for the investigation of schizophrenia and perhaps mental healthcare in general in Britain. Civil Servants who have gone along with funding to Nottinghamshire mental health providers on the basis of ‘The Experiment’ being centred at Bassetlaw Hospital will not now willingly admit that the basis of it was mistaken. The basis of it is mistaken in that I have been taken advantage of in its course improperly especially given that I am not genuinely schizophrenic. The origin of my diagnosis in 1980 was flawed because of what Armond and others were intent on in those days. But they again have never felt able simply to admit that they made a mistake.
The danger in this remains for me that given certain drugs I may behave in a way seen by everyone to be unusual enough to be called mentally ill, and professionals with a vested interest may make an improper diagnosis with double-think in their minds. Even though I now appear entirely sane I daresay ‘expert witnesses’ could be brought forward at any stage to say this can happen: a sudden relapse from seeming perfect sanity into schizophrenia.
07/07/08 11:27
I have written amongst others to the West Midlands Chief Constable (altering the drafts of recent days slightly). It seems a certainty someone ‘illicitly’ entered our bungalow, and when I am more rather than less paranoid (made so by drugs) I think of such trespassers as entirely independent mercenaries without any checks and balances. However, soldiers in the British Army (who when within the Army are not in the category of mercenaries without satisfactory supervision even though some may later leave and become just that, just as there is a certain fraternity or interchangeability between some police officers, security firm agents and plain criminals) some of them smoke fags and leave butt ends - a regrettable sign that someone had been at our front door, although not necessarily anyone to do with entering ‘illicitly’ - and on the whole it seems (at the moment, given my freedom this morning from mind-alteration due to drugs) most unlikely that a ‘secret army’ being paid by the Armond faction is acting entirely without proper authority in drugging our water. Especially since if they wanted to make me behave in an out-and-out insane or violent way (as was done in November 1980) they could have used larger dosages and drugged other foodstuffs not just water.
My conclusion is that there is a delicate collusion between officialdom in the present day and those representing people in the past who have acted more independently and with less restraint and propriety, this latter leading to my outrageous behaviour (eg in November 1980) because the dosages were not adequately limited. The reason present ‘officialdom’ does not simply accept that those who did such things in the past were more or less plain criminals is surely that out of what those criminals did, by some trickery perpetrated by Armond and buddies around 1986 or 1987, came an official acceptance of responsibility for ‘looking after’ me - for example paying me Incapacity Benefit without demur and trying to find a paid companion (which turned out to be Barbara) ready for after my parents were dead - which then after I ran away, around 2004 blossomed into The Experiment centred on Bassetlaw Hospital; so that in all the ‘officials’ have difficulty finding a way out which is acceptable to everyone including those (the Civil Servants, most of them, if not the psychiatrists) who have some moral sense.
What I am concerned with is not to be drugged - certainly not constantly and unevadably - with antidopamine drugs. Given such drugs - and I agree it is horrid to think that this was so for nearly three decades, but it was so - I cannot live any life worth calling life.
So I do not know what way out there is, but I shall be guided always (in the immediate future, I am thinking of in particular) by a determination to evade antidopamine drugs but with caution - sometimes causing me worry if not anxiety - not to appear too wayward and certainly not insane in pursuing that object.
08/07/08 08:18 [Tuesday]
The idea originally of the Experiment, started in the later 1970s when I was a student (in my first year) at Cambridge University, was to alter my behaviour, and in particular to make me more sociable. What Armond said at a slightly later date - that I would eventually thank him for what he had done ‘for’ me - truly represented the perpetrators’ way of thinking: they felt that if they could succeed in altering my behaviour along lines including making me more sociable, and more generally seeming - or becoming, as these people probably think of it because they believe schizophrenia is an illness which can ach