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. July 2008 .
01/07/08 13:29 [Tuesday]
I was intending to explain what flaws arose yesterday on the DIXONSXP desktop with Vista (newly installed yesterday, as far as I recall), but I haven’t had time yet today. As a consequence I have, later on yesterday, and this morning, been reinstalling the DIXONSXP trying to achieve a system working without defect. I seemed to have managed it - with XP on a partition1 and Vista on partition2 in fact (I mention that seemingly as a result of Vista being installed on a second partition when XP was already on the first the gadgets in the Vista side-bar turn out inverted, that is with the clock at the bottom) - until now I find reading from a CD - a particular CD which was being read yesterday also when the flaw became evident - is prefaced by an unduly long Preparing to Copy. I shall record the sequence of events leading up to presumably the same flawing today as arose yesterday.
What I was doing both yesterday and today was try to make a DVD of my website records (for barrass-brough.org.uk, that is the folders containing the versions put up in sequence from the start around the start of 2008) instead of having the information on a number of separate CDs (which I was doing from April onwards - almost certainly advised ‘hypnotically’, to test whether I could get CD-writing to work on the deliberately faulted Amilo Pro I would guess - because I thought using the Windows CD-writing wizard was a safer bet than installing something like Nero to write DVDs). The flaw yesterday consisted of the DVD-writing going into a loop and getting nowhere. Even using Task Manager the relevant process would not end (and in fact I tracked it down to a service called WUDFHost.exe which could not be terminated). At the same time an auxiliary USB hard drive ceased to be accessible, that is ceased to be recognised by the system (even after a restart).
Today then the beginnings of the same thing seem evident, in the interminable (not literally interminable) Preparing to Copy from the CD with my Old websites (that is, versions of colinbrough.co.uk) on it. Prior to that I had copied onto C: from a CD made towards the beginning of April (and therefore suspect in that things were going wrong about then and I was confused then by drugs in a way I have since found better ways to combat and evade, this success quite possibly going hand-in-hand with the druggists, or rather those now overseeing them, allowing me to get away with lower dosages) Website 080402 (uploaded versions), that is versions of barrass-brough.org.uk. Copying from the latter showed up no defects, but for the reasons I have given I suspect that CD - or copying that CD (in that the system may be deliberately faulted to look out for some trigger which appears on that CD) - is the source of the difficulty. Now I think back, the auxiliary hard drive difficulty yesterday arose after I tried to copy to that drive a series of folders one of which contained Nero software, and from what I could make out it was copying the Nero setup.exe which triggered the difficulty. I got so far with coding the bytes of the Nero setup.exe file to see if particular byte sequences acted as the trigger (in other words in the coded version those byte sequences would not be present). In a similar way the failure - the irretrievable failure, given the circumstances then - of the system on my Packard Bell EasyNote laptop around October 2006 seemed to originate from copying from a particular CD. I know it sounds utterly foolish to imagine professionally trained people (presumably professionally trained, if it is only in psychiatry) might arrange such a thing, but my best guess is that the Packard Bell was deliberately faulted to encourage me to purchase and use the Medion laptop we bought from Woolworths for Christmas of 2006 (which ended up in the River Idle when I expressed my anger at the folly of The Experiment in a way less usual to me since).
02/07/08 09:53 [Wednesday]
I made some handwritten notes earlier, starting soon after 2 am when I got up. I explained that I thought a dream I had had in the hour after I had got up to go to the toilet about twenty past midnight had been suggested by hypnotising words voiced to me while I was in the bathroom. I thought they might have been voiced there - not entirely logical since the window was not open and I did not sit on the seat or otherwise relax in a position presumably more conducive to being hypnotised - because the audio recorder set up in the bay window of our bedroom showed only four minutes or so of non-silence the entire night (up to 2 am, when I stopped recording 4 on the device and re-started it for recording 5, since otherwise it’s difficult to know what time audio events on the ‘tape’ have occurred especially if it is left on for day after day: these devices do not update the date as midnight is crossed).
After I came round (so I thought) from my lack of get-up-and-go including mental get-up-and-go which followed my getting up so early, I started doing some work to improve security. Initially I was on with rectifying some of the damage to the wiring which Dawn did a week ago or so when she ‘ran amok’ under the influence of stimulant drugs (and probably hypnotising suggestion exaggerating her natural objection to being ‘taped’ like a different version of Richard Nixon). The idea here was to get the camera covering the rear garden working so that I could get to the fence to chuck suspect stuff over; bacon in fact bought recently at Sainsbury’s which for some reason I especially suspected: given for example that I was not then taking seriously the need to mark foods according to the place and date of purchase so as to chuck out (perhaps) all foods bought at the same time if any were found to be drugged. There would have been quicker ways of making such an enterprise of chucking-over safe - for example simply setting up the camcorder again, or moving the VCR (and TV if necessary, for verification) to the bedroom thereby circumventing the break in the wiring from the fixed security camera - and the fact is shown up that I could not at that time think in any sort of creative or novel way.
The reason I couldn’t think properly was antischizophrenic drugs most likely risperidone (from comparing the effects with those I had when officially prescribed risperidone, plus the fact that I had had an official prescription for that drug), and because I became very tired around 7 am and slept again from 7 am to 9.30 am I conclude that the first period I was awake (from 2 am) I was affected by a stimulant drug in combination but this had worn off sufficiently by 7 am (given also the mental cost of ‘processing’ to do the work prior to 7 am). This is confirmed by the fact that I have in going to the toilet (about half an hour ago) found that I was quite badly constipated. In 2006 my best guess is that stimulants were given in combination with the risperidone, in pursuance of the policy in medicating me prior to 2004 that is when I was still living at my parents’ house in Kingswinford, latterly under the guidance of Barbara recruited for the time when they would die. This is confirmed by the similarity (which I noted at the time, soon after 2 am this morning) between the style of thinking manifested in the notes written, and the same thing (in my diary notes) in the first half of 2006. Also the need to get up in the night to pass water is evidence of a stimulant drug additionally given.
After I had got so far with trying to put to rights the wiring from the security camera under the eaves at the back of the bungalow I was beginning to ask whether so much effort was worthwhile given that Dawn (under suggestion) might do damage again, or some other way of damaging my security might be found by ‘the Authorities’. This indicates to me that at that stage the stimulant cheering me on was beginning to wear off.
What I did then was concern myself with what I thought had been the source of actual nighttime voicing this past night, that is the passage at the side of the bungalow where the front door is. I got as far as connecting the lead from a microphone I fixed out there the other day to a jack-plug the internal side of the exit door (that is a jack-plug in the utility room) and testing the mic with an audio recorder, finding that it works great to record any sounds in that side passage - such as nighttime voicing from outside the bathroom window. My belief now is that there was no nighttime voicing this night just past. The would-be perpetrators could not (presumably) know whether or not the mic was working last night. (On the other hand the unexpected pausing of a load in the washing-machine overnight may well indicate a severing of the mains power to the utility room - possibly not overnight as the load was put in yesterday morning and Dawn was too tired to look at it last night: that is the mains may have been cut while we were out yesterday afternoon, presumably to try to gain information on the consequences of such severing.) The ‘dream’ I was putting down to nighttime voicing might have arisen in a natural way out of our projected visit to family in Nottinghamshire today (now abandoned in consequence of the drugging I suffered yesterday evening and overnight).
I have learnt several things from this experience suffering antischizophrenic drugs in stuff taken by mouth - most likely the Milk of Magnesia - bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath yesterday. I have learnt that my memory is not badly downgraded by antischizophrenic drugs on their own. Such downgrading depends mainly on the opium-like drug. Further, when the effects of antischizophrenic drugs are on me I have little fear of such memory loss and the consequence of frantic efforts to make it good with some substitute (this being related I should think to my constantly backing stuff up from the computer when I am affected by certain combinations of drugs) does not follow. I have further learnt that it is essential to detect (and timestamp) severance of the mains power, and in some cases ensure substitute power switches on automatically (for example to ensure the integrity of audio recordings). Also it is necessary in cases of suspect foods - such as those bought yesterday from Sainsbury’s Blackheath, even though very little of the food can in fact be drugged given the randomised selection of that store - to keep it safe and mark it with a label of the place and date of purchase, so that it can be risked (for testing) at a later date when I am otherwise free of drugs. On the whole I think the trouble I cause when provided drugged foods - in chucking it over the fence so that ‘the Authorities’ need to keep watch if the drugs are powerful drugs, and in writing to food manufacturers (some of whom were not consulted in advance, almost for sure) - has been a success in deterring drugging of foods. The most recent virtually certain drugged food (apart from yesterday, when almost certainly it was a medication with an improper component in the Milk of Magnesia) was an Asda own-brand, that is the Mint Choc Chip Soft Scoop ice-cream bought at the Brierley Hill store last Saturday. Moreover I was able to read the fact that the Sainsbury’s Blackheath staff (most of them, certainly) were not party to events, in comparing the shame-faced demeanour of staff at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill on a recent occasion.
I got for Dawn a 5l bottle of Sainsbury’s own-brand Caledonian water yesterday, since I cannot insist or even strongly urge her to drink river water, but equally must discourage her from drinking our tapwater. She seems no better on the Caledonian water though (still having upset tummy and being sleepy all the time) so it may be drugged and the tapwater similarly (she had been drinking tapwater occasionally), but the most likely hypothesis is that her indisposition derives from something entirely other than water, and possibly (given the increased evidence that improper components are put in medications supplied to us, as pretty certainly was the case in my own past with anti-side-effect tablets) it is her Risperdal tablets.
I mention that my provision of information here in such a well thought-out and well arranged form, with no intention to withhold it from my website, is a feature of the overnight risperidone wearing off. It may not be exactly a rebound effect but it certainly is a pleasure to exercise my faculties freed this morning from the overnight thrall. I am hopeful that many readers, many and various, will be able to see the debilitation caused me by antischizophrenic drugs. To that end I may append a scan of my handwritten notes from the middle of the night.
02/07/08 11:48
I am proposing to spend money on (amongst other things) another safe and another Olympus audio recorder device. It is not fair that I should be spending this money, that is but for the interference from ‘The Experiment’ I would not be spending it. The need to spend it arises out of fear of a recurrence of what happened in the past, when because of a combination of drugs rendering me unable to think for myself, with ‘hypnotising’ voicing suggesting I do things I would not of myself choose to do, I was led to (for one thing) buy more drugged foods without sufficient attention to evasion techniques, through shopping incautiously on a Sunday (not busy and especially so in out-of-the-way places such as motorway service areas), this situation made worse by the drugs themselves increasing my appetite so that resisting an urge to take possibly unsafe foods was difficult (leading as one measure of attempted avoidance to chucking out foods wholescale in advance of determining which were drugged). The safe and the recording device proposed for purchase today are to ensure the security of the side passage where the front door is. Another recording device would be less necessary had Dawn not been drugged recently so that she ‘ran amok’ and destroyed one I already had. Purchase of the additional safe might be forgone but in case of entry into the bungalow (should the front-door and other exit-door security fail, as it has come close to failing recently) it is well to have important items (recording devices and foods especially) locked away difficult of illicit access.
Commercial providers of security arrangements have had to think through the various possibilities of circumvention (naturally) but I cannot rely on such a provider because I know from experience they can be ‘got at’ by the Authorities. The alarm I bought from Maplins in 2006 for example turned out not to work perfectly, and many devices I have bought (for example a walkie-talkie from Argos) have turned out not to work perfectly. I therefore waste my time on what I should be able to leave to others in the division-of-labour arrangements of modern ‘civilisation’, so have less time for what I myself would enjoy doing (or, in earlier years, for what might have brought me in employment income).
Of course it is by no means certain that explaining these complaints - which seem obvious to me anyway - via my website they are going to reach an audience willing to get me compensation (or even an end simply to ‘The Experiment’), but when I have more than enough processing power - undrugged, that is undrugged to explain myself in a coherent and convincing way - it costs very little to write it out and put it up on the website.
Yesterday I was not entirely successful in avoiding being drugged. However the drugging I suffered yesterday, and more generally in recent weeks, is sufficiently intermittent and low-dosage for me not to throw in the towel. I am able to understand (this morning now having a clear mind) that to drug me in the way I was drugged yesterday must be onerous and costly for the perpetrators (and possibly avoidable by avoiding medications like Milk of Magnesia), so I can regard yesterday’s enterprise in going to Blackheath randomly chosen as profitable. (This of course depends on the clarity of my internal model of what must be the case - the high cost of drugging me - and not so much relying on immediate perception.)
02/07/08 17:18
We were hoping to go out to Stourbridge (for one thing) to collect the laptop from Cash Converters where it had been repaired (having had a phonecall this morning to that effect) and were anticipating leaving the house about 2 pm. Before lunch I put back to rights the audio device in the safe in our bedroom (device 4 is now there the previous device having been immersed in water when Dawn ‘ran amok’) having made better connections in place of the wound-wire connections I mentioned (possibly not in notes put up on my website however) were causing a crackly recording instead of a clear sound to the recorded audio. I have generally improved the arrangements not only in that safe but in all the work I have done recently, compared to work done when under the influence of some mixture of ASM and the opium-like drug in weeks gone by I had less clarity of thought and of physical control. (Clumsiness related to antischizophrenic drugs is a thing I have certainly mentioned in my website diary in the past. It is more to do with ASM restricting resolution - numbers of synapses contributing - than to do with the opium-like drug I conclude, because Dawn used to be known for the clumsiness of walking into lampposts - not helped by being partially sighted in her right eye - which naturally she took to be her own incompetence but she was mistaken. I daresay opium like alcohol may lead to slurred speech, but last night as an example I found myself suffering from biting my own tongue at least twice - a symptom I know well from the past - and I must blame lowered resolution due to the risperidone and not anything to do with an opium-like drug which seemed not to be playing a part then anyway. The problem of biting one’s own tongue is made worse - I conjecture - by the blocking of control signals downward from the frontal brain leading to a greater sensitivity, certainly in my own case, to messages from the senses - that is, pain - unmoderated by the ‘higher mind’.)
We haven’t got out to the shops this afternoon since we were both rendered heavily asleep, in my case by drugs in a glass of milk I drank. The reason for this morning’s heavy extra sleep from about 7 am I now conclude was milk I used for a bowl of cereal I ate soon before 7 am. I am slightly puzzled by Dawn’s sleeping this afternoon and wonder about the Caledonian water. I think most likely though she was affected by milk even though a comparatively small quantity she took in a cup of tea she made herself. I was drinking milk yesterday from a similar 1l bottle (Sainsbury’s own-brand, the same, bought at Blackheath) and seemed then unaffected. Either some of the bottles were undrugged or (more likely) stimulant drugs I was affected by yesterday countered the sleepifying drug in the milk.
I have woken up feeling refreshed much the same as after a natural sleep and conjecture the sleepifying drug is a modern hypnotic agent with few side-effects (but one side-effect may be garrulousness as I seem to be giving an awful lot of information here, as I was after this morning’s sleep). (It is even possible the ‘garrulousness’ is related to the truth-drug properties in the opium-like agent, reducing inhibitions as it were.)
02/07/08 18:27
Dawn has been on the phone to her daughter, that is the one more like herself in temperament or personality if you like to use that term, and like myself has been made loquacious (not garrulous in her case) by the tranquilliser effect. In such a mentally relaxed condition - especially speaking from her secure and familiar home (even though we have lived here little more than two years) and speaking to a compatible person - she expresses herself in a truly rational (and interesting) way, devoid today (I am absolutely certain) of antischizophrenic drugs [or just possibly affected by a helpful mixture of amphetamine and ASM in just the right proportions - note added 03/07/08 12:24].
03/07/08 04:00 [Thursday]
I got up about fifteen minutes ago with slight internal discomfort which I thought might be blameable on inactivity of the gut. However I have since emptied my bowels with a seemingly unnatural laxative effect due presumably (but unnaturally, that is there is some improper chemical in them) to chopped dried prunes bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath two days ago and eaten some of them last night. Dawn also ate some last night, but has not woken yet. Yesterday morning I suppose I have the dried prunes eaten the evening before to thank for curing what would have been much worse constipation from the antischizophrenic drug improperly supplied in (my best guess) the Milk of Magnesia from Sainsbury’s Blackheath.
It is a disappointment if the perpetrators think it reasonable to continue to supply me antischizophrenic drugs in the former way. My hope had been that ‘overseers’ if not the perpetrators themselves would understand the deleterious effects, and the entire absence of benefit for me, from antischizophrenic drugs. If the organisation which puts these drugs in foods I buy has not yet seen the error of its ways it means I must continue to be on guard against the possibility foods are contaminated in such an unpleasant way. I have said before there are insufficient legal safeguards on the prescription of such drugs, and the law should be changed. The reason it has not been is that the effects, even though terrible certainly in individual cases, are hidden because the drugs suppress activity, including the activity of making complaints, in those treated. Such drugs are used to subdue unruly convicts, but are also prescribed for mental illness and may be abused by prescribers whom it may suit to subdue rather than cure mental patients.
The Olympus audio device set up yesterday evening to record any activity overnight in the passage at the side of our bungalow where the front door and the bathroom window are shows only 46 seconds of non-silence in the period I have slept (since say midnight). This contrasts with recordings from a mic in the bay window in our bedroom, which sometimes shows 7 minutes or more of non-silence. The reason may be sounds from within the bedroom (Dawn perhaps snoring) but although I have no direct evidence it seems most likely to me that in the past hypnotising words have been spoken to us as we slept in that bedroom. For one thing I can see no purpose otherwise to the almost certainly deliberate failing, frequently, of the rear security light: which I have now cured by replacing that security light and the power supply to it. (I have done the same a few days ago for the security light covering the passage I mentioned, on the side where the front door and the bathroom are.)
To try to clear up matters regarding this computer system (Vista on the DIXONSXP desktop, on a partition2 as things stand): I have not yet ascertained what caused the problem a few days ago when writing a DVD ‘hung up’ in an interminable loop, but if there is some basic flaw meaning trying to copy certain files - I thought I had tracked it down to the Nero setup.exe - creates the problem, it is still possible to hope the problem thus created is not permanent, that it clears say on a restart. In such a case it isn’t worthwhile trying to track down the basic flaw (which is conceivably in all Vista installs supplied in the UK, if Microsoft are contrary to my expectation implicated in ‘The Experiment’) and the way to go is simply to avoid copying (to DVD, and any other form of copying giving rise to the problem) the problematic byte sequence (as it may be). This could be achieved easily enough by coding the file or files copying which causes the problem, if they must be copied at all.
03/07/08 06:46
I have just eaten some more of the Wall’s Soft Scoop Raspberry Ripple ice-cream, bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath the other day and some of it eaten outside the store immediately after purchase. Now in the quiet calm of my home I detect instantly (well, within five minutes) that the ice-cream contains stimulant drugs. I conclude that most likely the antischizophrenic drugs affecting me in the evening on the day of purchase and overnight that night came from this ice-cream also but the effects initially were masked by the stimulant component. There is confirmatory evidence of an admixture of antischizophrenic drugs in my now fumbling rather - mis-keying at the keyboard for example - which tells me that the resolution of my neural processes is reduced.
I find this most objectionable, especially as I had been enjoying clear thinking in preparing a presentation for my website of recent anomalous EPODs (electronic proofs of delivery) shown by the Royal Mail website, which I have complained to my MP Ian Pearson about (that is, about the uselessness sometimes of information - sometimes in fact misleading or completely false information - given on the Royal Mail website).
I also prepared a series of screenshots showing failure of my computer system (Vista on the DIXONSXP) on copying certain files, the trigger I now believe to be the time of day the copying is done. Whence the flaw in the system basically originates I still cannot tell: clearly not all Vistas in the country can create faults for anyone copying files early in the morning. I have a suspicion that something inherent in all Vistas sold in the UK makes possible a download (an unauthorised download, even when Automatic Updates are not enabled) from the internet - possibly only via Virgin Media internet connections - triggering the flaw. This requires me to believe in collusion between Microsoft and Virgin Media, I know, but given that several supermarket chains in the country have been persuaded it is a desirable thing to supply me drugged foods I think that not impossible.
The perpetrators are fools to think that supplying alterations to the environment supposedly mimicking symptoms of schizophrenia - for example drugging the water supply or (if this is supposed to be a symptom of schizophrenia) paying motorists to drive in large numbers round roads in Kingswinford when Dawn and I are out and about - is going to model schizophrenia in any useful way. Since I find it so hard to believe people trained in the subject might believe such an ‘investigation’ could bear fruit I retain my presumption the continuation of The Experiment has a lot to do with the perpetrators not wanting to lose their jobs.
03/07/08 09:08
I am losing my clear view of where I am going (and even of where I am now) in what I am doing this morning. Once I might have thought this was blameable on tiredness from the mental processing I have done thus far this morning, albeit unnatural tiredness due to ASM in my metabolism probably from the day before. I understand sufficiently now to know that the reason this morning is that the ASM in the ice-cream I ate an hour or two ago is taking over precedence in influencing my activity (mainly activity of the mind) from the stimulant which so far has kept the debilitating effects at bay and in fact at first gave me a certain vigour verging on angry drive.
As usual I have been doing several things ‘at once’ (a methodology, as I have mentioned, my mother was given to in doing her housework) but now as I imply my capacity to organise myself for doing these several things in tandem is declining. This capacity I am now sure is implemented in structures like neural loops in the frontal brain. These make possible not so much short-term remembering as ‘programmable’ remembering, that is the memories can be discarded ‘at will’. This sort of memory is used to hold structures for processing until the processing is no longer needed. For example in an examination - certainly in mathematics - the structures required to answer a question are set up (an internally envisaged model, indeed) and manipulated as appropriate until either a resolution is reached - the right answer is found, or what one is convinced is the right answer - after which the internal model is discarded or rather supplanted by a summary version, or one runs out of time (possibly a self-imposed limit for that question, which brings in the desirability of planning for later planning). Likewise in working out for oneself - or in employment as some sort of researcher, if one’s heart is in it - explanatory theories (like the Theory of Relativity, to name one rather better known and with a wider influence than say my computations why and how foods in supermarkets come to contain drugs) an internal model is set up and manipulated until a resolution is achieved, marked by the surge or rush which is achievement emotion (although this may arise at stages along the route, and ultimately indeed every explanatory theory one finds for oneself is only a sub-theory to the entire question of what one is doing in life and why), or in the case of most people until they lose interest in favour of other activities possibly less cerebral (or alternative cerebral activities). Some of us though constantly return to unresolved conundrums until we think we understand everything (to a satisfactory level of detail, anyway).
It strikes me that my self-organisation now interfered with - this corresponding to blocking of control links downward from the frontal brain - I am obtaining interest (because I don’t feel particularly dismayed or unhappy at present, although regretting the fact that I may have to re-do some of the work I have done by virtue of not tying up loose ends adequately before this derailment into other matters) from forming a theory, or rather fitting facts to theories I have previously come up with, based on introspective observation corresponding to upward links into the frontal brain from the brain generally (which is self-awareness or self-consciousness in one of its versions).
My hope up above (at 09:08) was to list down what it was I was on with, so that even failing self-organisation would not defeat resumption when the drugs shall have worn off.
(1) I was preparing a website presentation of my last letter to Ian Pearson MP plus enclosures, which gave evidence of interference starting as long ago as 1974 with mail sent by and to me (presumably interference by the Royal Mail as an agent of the State as the State was when Harold Wilson was Prime Minister). This was to include evidence from recent screenshots taken of the Royal Mail website showing a number of anomalies.
(2) I had got so far with preparing my diary for the three days (or rather two and a bit) of July 2008 (this month) for upload to my website. I was in the process of scanning handwritten notes I made early yesterday morning (02-Jul-08) because in later typed notes I had said it would make sense to expose the earlier handwritten notes to show up the debilitating effect of drugs seemingly contained in foods bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath (the Blackheath near Birmingham, B65 0HG) the day before.
03/07/08 09:45
I now have muscle cramps - mild muscle cramps - in my left calf, and strange activity going on in my intestines.
03/07/08 09:59
Possibly because of ‘petering out’ of thought sequences due to dopamine-blockade I did not say as much as I might have about the ‘firmware’ memories which are discardable ‘at will’ and are used to hold internally envisaged models as they are worked with towards a hoped-for resolution into a brief and powerful explanatory summarisation or theory. As I implied, these memories (it seems a certain fact, unless this theory I am coming up with itself is wide of the mark, which judged by the usual measure of abstract theories untested against reality to any great statistical extent, that is internal consistency, seems most unlikely) are not implemented in the form of adapted synapses. Such adaptation takes a while - perhaps a long while - to ‘set’, that is many experiences have to accrue the memory (that is experiential memory, being some way towards abstract memory, and not memory traces of specific events which in not being generalised are less use in preparing for the future); whereas the ‘firmware’ memory is practically instant (this no doubt giving the reason why it has allowed mankind with the benefit of it to do so well so quickly in evolutionary terms). Being instant of course it is in a sense less trustworthy than the traditional, tried and tested, and this is (if things work well) made up for by the test of (as I say) internal consistency. No one really is going to acquire an understanding of the relativistic nature of the universe from experience over time accruing changes to their synapses (say by peering through a telescope every night for a number of years). It is - was - necessary for an internal model (put down on paper as best can be managed in mathematical symbols, to try to convey it to other people and record it for Einstein himself and for posterity) to be constructed through erection of these instantly remembered constructs, that is instantly set up and remembered but soon discarded if they fail the test of internal consistency. If the right combination of such constructs is arrived at it is like the winning combination of moves in a chess game (except it isn’t competitive) and the originator thinker knows he has the right answer (although occasionally such conviction is mistaken, for example in the case of I think it was Pascal trying to come up with some probability calculations) irrespective of recognition of the truth by anyone else.
In just this way I know I am right about The Experiment (and agents I speak to occasionally, eg on the phone purporting to be representatives of the PremierInn Wakefield City North, come close to agreeing the truth is as I say).
These ‘firmware’ memories are surely implemented as neural loops, and hence blocking synaptic transmission (of dopamine) interferes with them (or possibly with the control links from the frontal brain which keep them in order and in being).
My guess must be that there are readers of my website who understand this sort of stuff, even though the old-hat psychological-theorist perpetrators from Nottinghamshire (or Cambridge) who are trying their best do not; and this is the reason The Experiment lives on.
05/07/08 07:07 [Saturday]
Yesterday morning (yesterday was Independence Day as far as the United States goes) I got up early, although how early I cannot remember, and started on a letter to the West Midlands Chief Constable motivated by drugs I had suffered in foods bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath (near Rowley Regis by train) on Tuesday (01-Jul-08) and in a hot-dog bought in Birmingham city centre from a hot-dog stand on Thursday (03-Jul-08). I had later on Thursday started with a stomach upset, presumably blameable on the hot-dog, and overnight this past night I have suffered badly from continuation (and worsening, until I had emptied the contents of my bowels and my stomach through means including vomiting) of this ‘bug’.
On Tuesday at Blackheath we bought a 5l bottle of Sainsbury’s own-brand Caledonian water, and yesterday we bought two more from Sainsbury’s Merry Hill. It is not impossible the stomach bug originated from that water: I am now drinking more of it because the natural presumption failing definite evidence otherwise is that it is better for the health than water direct from the river. It seems a virtual impossibility that the stomach bug was due to drinking the river water, however, because I had been drinking it for some time - and have drunk it in the past - without any sign of difficulty. Still, I wait on events.
I must surely be right to blame my great discomfort since Thursday, and especially last night, on The Experiment. Clearly people can develop stomach bugs for natural reasons but the timing of this one (Dawn also suffered it, but two or three days before it came to me) tells me that I need not have suffered it but for The Experiment, and that the statistics of the stomach bugs I suffer over the course of my life is increased by the fact of The Experiment. I find this objectionable.
The worst drugs I was complaining to the Chief Constable about were antischizophrenic drugs, almost certainly from Wall’s Soft Scoop Raspberry Ripple ice-cream but possibly contained improperly in Milk of Magnesia or Müller Corners (all these bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath that day). The most likely offenders including all those I have just named I have chucked, but other foodstuffs bought that day from Sainsbury’s Blackheath I retain and have labelled them where and when they were bought.
I was working on the letter to the Chief Constable over a number of hours and began to feel the ‘tiredness’ I refer to in my diary entry of Thursday morning (at 03/07/08 09:08) which I see I blamed then on the Wall’s ice-cream from Blackheath, this being all I had taken by mouth (almost certainly) that morning, Thursday. (Except possibly river water, which it is not a physical impossibility had been tampered with stored at home while we have been out in recent days, given the downgrading of security created out of Dawn’s suffering drugs with a stimulant component, a week ago or more. Because in recent days I have fetched water down from storage in the loft the most likely scenario if I am to blame the water is that when we were out all day in London - two days in fact, that is Thursday and Friday just over a week ago - illicit access to the loft was gained.)
Reflecting on this it seems the most likely possibility. I chose Sainsbury’s Blackheath by a randomisation process, but my best guess since going there Tuesday and suffering as I have said - given of course that the suffering included reduction in my powers of thought caused by ASM - had been that some specific drugged items had been rushed onto the shelves before we got there. Probably something readily tracked like a medication (Milk of Magnesia), I thought. Support to this notion is given also by the timing, as best I can remember, of Dawn’s suffering the stomach ailment as against myself suffering it (compared to when as far as I remember we each drank water from the different sources of water we have).
Therefore The Experiment has caused me to entirely waste my efforts writing the letter to the Chief Constable, but on the other hand I can feel confident the process of randomly choosing a store to shop at for food is sound. Also the food I have kept, bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath, is almost certainly OK. Of course the cost is put on me of extra security, given that illicit access was gained to our loft, but that is nothing compared to what I have lost (in time, effort and money) in the past, over several decades. I must say I cannot in the least understand the morals of people who do such things to me and now us. My hope is that this is a last fling before the termination of The Experiment with payment to me of a large pension in compensation.
05/07/08 07:59
I point out that this experience of the stomach bug has not been, in my case, so debilitating as treatment with antischizophrenic drugs. The reason, in my case but possibly not in everybody’s case, is that I have been able to think and remember clearly (certainly relatively clearly, although I do seem to have been somewhat affected in recent days, intermittently, by antischizophrenic drugs reducing the resolution of my neural processes) so have been able to compute with fair confidence (that is well-founded confidence that I am right, as against the brash pretend confidence put on for purposes of communication rather than as an aid to one’s own assessments of things, recommended by some ‘psychological theorists’) the sequence of events, and learn what must be done to evade such unpleasure in the future. Of course the cost to me (in suffering with the idea of my coming out with these explanations how the mind - or my mind, certainly - works) is unnatural that is a thing rarely foisted on people by ‘Society’ but for whatever reason I do not feel inclined to withhold such explanations of how my mind works from the world in general (meaning, I hope, not just available to those who have made me suffer). This contrasts, of course, with my secretiveness when I am under the influence of ASM, so at least I can hope by publishing these findings to show that to give me ASM is not a desirable thing for anyone (except perhaps those like Armond - but also his co-perpetrators, whom unfortunately I have no names for - who are exposed as having behaved so badly in the past).
05/07/08 08:16
Regarding reliance on oneself as against hoping for help from others where those others may, concerting together, have more ability than oneself: I reiterate what I have said about the ‘Nanny State’, that is no one can be so motivated to help others as to help himself. In more ordinary cases than mine, I agree people can - and they need to - rely on friends. The ‘tribe’ - the collection of friends, as I am calling them here - have in the usual case sufficiently common interests to be able to inter-rely for many purposes. However, when the people one is relying on - the people to be relied on by individuals in need of help, such as the disabled - are employees of the State then they are being simply paid to put on a show of common interest, and (as one finds in practice, indeed) it doesn’t work. They have more interest in their pay (some more than others, of course), and especially so if their ‘work’ is not adequately assessed for success or otherwise. Psychiatric carers (in particular) assess their own ‘work’, that is psychiatrists, relying on reports from nurses whose pay depends on having patients under care, decide who needs to be kept in care.
The case of a charity (this sounds very Thatcherite, but honestly my belief is that it is soundly based in logic) is different. Especially if the workers in the charity are personally motivated (say by having a family member who suffers from whatever is being treated with the help) they are in it for something other than pay: they genuinely have common interest with the sufferers being helped. Naturally charities sometimes grow into massive organisations which are almost as bad as the Nanny State, where many workers are in it mainly for the pay, but the essential difference I believe remains, where workers or anyway leader managers in a charity have personally involved motivation, apart from being paid.
The ‘tribe’ more generally considered is neither a charity nor the Nanny State, but is a collection of mates with genuinely common interests (in some fields). Here in most cases I agree (as I said) people can, and they need to, rely on their mates. In my case, the only person whose self-interest is inextricably bound up with mine is Dawn. Others - including my parents in the past and Dawn’s family in the present (some more so than others) - have trusted expert opinion and have set aside their natural cleaving with me (and us - Dawn and me). My father occasionally exhibited distress in doing so, but because the way I was able to convey the truth to him, that is the truth of what I was feeling as well as the theory explaining why it was wrong that I was treated as I was being, was restricted by the restricting medication, he soon got over his distress. And of course with habituation - year after year of the same - he (and people in general) cease to feel what they would initially have felt,.
The reason I am able now to expose all this is that I am damn clever, and I have managed one way or another to get to a condition where even the thrusting of drugs on me reducing my cleverness I am clever enough to counter. A helpful prerequisite of course was my antecedent knowledge when I was first treated, about schizophrenia. As I have explained, most patients even the cleverest being treated with drugs take it for granted that even though their cleverness is reduced they would be worse off without the drugs; that is it does not occur to them, misadvised by psychiatrists basing what they say on drug company publicity whose main purpose is to sell drugs, that the drugs are actually reducing their cleverness (that is, clarity of thought and memory). This situation is helped along by giving money to drugged patients (Social Security) so they are less motivated to escape, but merely go along with the status quo. And of course those assessing whether the situation should be continued - psychiatric carers - are also given money by the State so long as the situation continues.
I did intend to say something more specific about recent ‘help’ offered by ‘the Authorities’ in advising me on personal alarms, presumably so that I should go about with less fear of being ‘chloroformed over the face’ and hypnotised, but I must have breakfast.
05/07/08 09:43
It strikes me as not impossible that what may have been a hypnotic invitation to state my case in a letter to the West Midlands Chief Constable was hoped to give a clue what it is I object to in ‘The Experiment’, perhaps more to decide whether it is worth paying the perpetrators in its continuance than (what I myself would have presumed) to decide how much to pay me on its termination (soon, I hope). Money talks, and The Experiment cannot continue if funding is not provided to pay the otherwise-out-of-work actors who stooge and the motorists who drive in large numbers at certain times (unnatural times) round Kingswinford.
What I object to in The Experiment fundamentally is that time is taken from me which otherwise I could freely choose how to use. This includes periods (decades in the past) when time was taken from me in the sense that I could not use my mind to take advantage in any sensible way of the time (when I was drugged constantly, sometimes with absurdly high dosages). The formula which measures quality of life may have a component in it saying it is a positive to dine out with friends, but as far as I am concerned in the main I’d rather be using my time otherwise. And if I were to choose to dine out with friends, being free to agree a time mutually suitable would be essential. In the past I have been led to dine out (with Barbara in particular) but because the time was not of my choosing (paying attention also to my companion’s desires, but that in the case of Barbara she was a paid companion not an agent entirely free to make up her own mind) it was less pleasure than it might have been (however it did alleviate the unpleasure of the preceding decades).
The use I would make of my time if I were freed of The Experiment cannot be predicted, since in the way of things people respond according to events - that is events arising in a natural way with natural statistics giving rise to sensible learning from experience. Regarding this latter I have to say that being assaulted in Bristol police cells was not a useful learning experience, since even though perhaps police do sometimes treat people improperly the facts of my case made it an unnatural treating-improperly (perpetrated in any case not by police but by a security firm for which a ‘health authority’ was responsible while police stood by).
The use I would make of my time however pretty certainly would include pursuing my enquiries - introspectively based but since maturity including interaction with other people - into the workings of the human mind, and (unlike ordinary psychological theorising) in sufficient detail to be programmed (subparts of it, in particular perceptual processes especially visual) on a computer. It seems most likely that my records as I went along would be published on the internet as a weblog, and possibly (depending on how much sense conventional publishers have) eventually as a book or more than one book. In conventional life I would - if any threat were removed - be happy to spend time with Dawn’s family. On the recent occasion when Dawn and I went with her son to Skegness things were going fine (for all of us, I think) until firstly he gave notice that he had been pre-prepared by making the trip a few days previous and secondly (the following morning) I was interfered with by some combination of hypnosis and drugging.
A specific example of waste of my time and resources is to be found in the letter I drafted yesterday to the West Midlands Chief Constable. The letter was based on a misapprehension (by my recent assessment), that is that drug effects I and Dawn suffered recently came from foods bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath and from the hot-dog stand in Temple Row Birmingham. This misapprehension arose out of deliberate perpetration (as far as I can see) through invasion of our home (the loft) which was not perhaps intended to lead to the consequence of my wasting effort writing a nonsensical letter, but certainly was intended to pervert statistics on the health risks of drinking river water. In the judgment of the perpetrators it is more healthy to drink bottled water which has a certain probability of containing drugs (sometimes antischizophrenic drugs) than to drink river water which it’s true may occasionally cause stomach upset but (as I say) the statistics - the frequency of our suffering from the river water - were deliberately altered. My judgment is different, and surely only I can know how much I suffer from antischizophrenic drugs, no matter how hard I try to explain it to my readers (many of whom have fixed preconceptions, I suspect).
Earlier I ate a few McVitie’s Rich Tea biscuits and then scrambled egg on toast (the bread used coming from Sainsbury’s Blackheath I believe). None of these items seem to have contained drugs. I have been drinking the Sainsbury’s Caledonian water bought at Blackheath, and most recently some of that bought last night at Merry Hill.
05/07/08 10:19
The desirable course following trespass into our loft leading to assault on our digestive systems would be for the police to catch the perpetrators and eventually for them to be punished for causing us this hurt. This course is not likely to follow, for the reason that the hurt caused has been out of proportion to the available evidence of the origin of the hurt. Just as with other forms of weaponry than drugs, it is relatively easy to cause hurt and get away with it. Surely the perpetrators suffer not precisely from lack of morals as from a double-think attitude which blinds them to the possibility (ultimately this is what it’s about) that antischizophrenic drugs (and other drugs combined with hypnotic suggestion) cause immensely greater hurt than they can understand.
05/07/08 10:33
I have copied my Documents to the auxiliary hard drive without a hitch. I did the copying in bits and pieces, leaving the folder Sbridge library 18-Jun-08 which seemed to cause the copying to stop the other day till last. Now I think back though, the conclusion I came up with was that most likely copying was made to fail depending on the time of day (that is if it was early in the morning). Possibly the source of the flawing (downloaded from the internet, I should think) is made to clear itself after the first day of difficulty: at least so I may hope.
... I have tried to make plain that the sole reason for my withholding information is if it might make it easier to get drugs into me and particularly noisome drugs like antischizophrenic drugs.
05/07/08 13:39
Having looked again at the letter I prepared to the Chief Constable, it does contain a large quantity of information relating to improper ways I have been treated in addition to the allegations against Sainsbury’s Blackheath and the Temple Row hot-dog stand which I am now by no means certain of. I may therefore re-work it making less specific claims as to the origin of my recent malaise (that is, particularly the recent unclarity of thought due to antischizophrenic drugs, which may yet have come from the ice-cream or something else bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath since the timing of that debilitation did not seem to correspond with the timing of the debilitation due to the ‘stomach bug’) and after re-working it send it.
Thinking about the participants in ‘The Experiment’ who are supposed to look after my interests, it may be that they take the view that as far as possible (given that presumably they as well as those I call ‘perpetrators’ rely for their income on the continuance of The Experiment) I should be allowed to choose my own means of making my complaints known, and even of making them effective. Regrettably though (I conclude) they are not wholly independent: for example while ‘allowing’ me to be sent an authorisation to return to Russells Hall Hospital so that the hospital can send details of my medical treatment to my MP Ian Pearson, they nevertheless passed as OK a section in it, surely not naturally part of it, for a witness to attest my signature. The purpose of this I take it was to hint that having friends (‘not a family member’) is a desirable thing, but nevertheless it introduced an impediment not naturally present to someone in a parallel position to mine but unencumbered with observers with their own ideas of propriety regarding human fellowship (or its absence). What I did was return the form signed but unwitnessed, and of course if I choose to pay the admin fee to retrieve my own medical records I could send them myself to Ian Pearson.
05/07/08 18:32
This afternoon we have been to Wolverhampton mainly for the purpose of buying new West Midlands travel passes, starting tomorrow (for today we bought bus day tickets). We also went to Maplins for general use items (electromagnetic relays plus sockets for them: sparing no expense I am hoping to make more use of this safer method of plugging them into sockets instead of soldering to them directly) and to Woolworths where I bought two 75cl bottles of Buxton water and some wine gums, while Dawn bought two garden ornaments (I also bought one or two items of homeware as you might call it). Dawn was flagging by now and trying to ascertain the cause, especially given that I myself felt fairly OK (but had had seeming, but slight, stimulant effects after eating a hot-dog from a stand in Dudley Street, rather as I had had, or thought I had had, in Temple Row Birmingham the other day), the best I could come up with was that it was her Risperdal tablets reducing her get-up-and-go. We went to a café we have never been to before, because Dawn said she was hungry (again presumably an effect of her Risperdal) and she had orange Lucozade (very specifically requesting it) while I had Heinz tomato soup. On the bus home Dawn said her stomach was upset (in fact she had taken an Imodium tablet in Wolverhampton without really seeming to need it, and my view based on my own experience yesterday is if used unwisely they do more harm than good, clogging up the system as it were) while I myself was very slightly sleepy, corresponding to an effect I have had quite a lot, and had especially when we were in the Doncaster area living at the park home, of stimulant effects from foods in cafés while out and about seemingly given to counter overall lethargy from risperidone or similar administered somehow as a constant (eg via the water supply when I was less cautious of that).
06/07/08 03:49 [Sunday]
I woke up probably over half an hour ago now feeling my mind was clear of distractive influence, and in fact lay in bed awhile before getting up as my mind getting going came to this conclusion. (Needless to say I was very happy - I experienced pleasure - in this freedom of my mind.) This happy situation was suspended for a period after I got up and I did ponder whether ‘nighttime voicing’ might be contributory to the distraction. This is not easy to believe as my memory seems perfectly clear, that is I cannot fit in anywhere an interval not covered by clear memory in which the voicing might have been perpetrated (the only possibility I suppose being if it occurred before I woke up, but in that case surely I should not have woken up happy to have such a feeling of clarity and freedom of thought). My conclusion is that the interruption to the freedom of my thinking processes occurred in getting up and moving about ‘to face the day’, because of the increase in the processing load in doing so. Now presumably the different parts of my brain having got going equally - that is (the way I understand it) the seriatim having caught up - I feel just as happy and free in my thinking but am able to cope with physical activities (including typing this) at the same time as the interesting cogitations I woke up with ‘at the back of my mind’ still continuing.
These cogitations (almost needless to say) related to Visual scene analysis. The latest version of the prog I seem to have, having found out backup discs yesterday, is still the one dated 2008-03-31, even though I know I made improvements (or rather slight amendments to get the prog to work as required) towards the start of April and then later on again similar improvements - not being able to find record of the April work - done afresh. The results of these latter (but probably not the code) I did set out on my website, so I am now intending to look at what I had to say there.
06/07/08 04:11
However, now I reflect, what was going through my mind immediately before starting this diary entry (03:49) was an exposition in general terms of the basis of the latest work on Visual scene analysis. The original motivation had been to separate characters mistakenly run together (for OCR purposes) by identifying the very dark spots where the ‘over-inking’ between the characters - mistakenly joining them - was to be seen (that is, very dark by the judgment of the human eye - my eye). To cut a long story short, this meant finding a measure of local ‘blackdensity’. One’s immediate idea in attempting such a thing might well be to take a moving average of greyscale locally, and the darker the average greyscale the higher the blackdensity. I don’t think I have actually tried this, and my feeling is it wouldn’t work.
The way I have proceeded is to use as the measure of blackdensity at each point (each pixel) a weighted average, computed over a local region but in theory computed over the entire visual field. (Because of the rapid diminution - by the formula exp ( - d . x 2 ) - of contributions from a distance x away it is only necessary to do the computation locally.) Why the formula exp ( - d . x 2 ) is of any use it is difficult to say. In use for comparison of characters (‘similaritymeasure’) it seems to work well in practice. The ‘bell curve’ of the graph of the formula tells us that up to a certain distance x the contribution is reasonable (although declining as x increases) but after a certain point diminishes rapidly.
This formula, I have a suspicion, must be widely applicable in modelling the way neurons interact. For example in reinforcement of memory: if identical exemplars are presented successively one soon after the other, the strength of reinforcement is disproportionately greater than if exemplars are presented not clustered but spread evenly some distance (in time) apart. As I have said of cars along a motorway, if several of the same make come past immediately (or almost immediately) one after the other, in clusters, the effect is to alert one (to suspicion something is afoot: perhaps emissions from a factory being transferred to a wholesaler; or perhaps an army exercise - especially if the vehicles are army vehicles) more than if the same number of vehicles in total come along evenly spaced.
Put like that, it seems obvious that clusters are going to be of relevance to perceiving organisms more so than overall averages. If I see a field of uniform grey: well, so what: it is of no help to me and as part and parcel of that, of no interest. If however there are darker patches in amongst a grey background, my interest is necessarily alerted, and I begin to ponder what the explanation is or the basis of the clustering. (Actually if I am an organism without a seriatim I do not ponder the causal antecedents but form an image in memory of clusters which occur repeatedly, over a region in space or over a period of time.)
06/07/08 05:11
I started looking at my website diary for April and became absorbed in what was made evident there about the drugging and interference (presumed to include hypnotising interference) I have suffered for three months (but seemingly now abating). My hope is that the basis for the interference is what I believed towards the start of April it might be: that is to assess the hurt done to me - its nature and degree - by similar interference in the past perpetrated on other bases.
Unfortunately I have found little to help me on with Visual field analysis (as I was calling it instead of Visual scene analysis).
06/07/08 05:35
Ploughing on with examining the website diary I have found a number of errors relating to sizes of images (in the month May 2008), and some of the annexory pages (for example the page relating to Sian Phillips is an annexory page) are formatted differently from others (as regards the tables presented - or not presented - at the top of them). I am almost interested enough to think about making corrections to such anomalies.
I must note down that I have drunk a cup of tea made using one of the tea-bags thus far sound (and kept in a safe at home), sugar thus far sound, and water bought yesterday at Woolworths Wolverhampton (Buxton water in the 75cl size). As yet I note no drug effects, although I went through an interval of tiredness (of the eyes in particular) which I take to indicate I got up somewhat earlier than would have been natural, more likely as part of the working-out of sleep disturbance following recent drugging than due to being wakened unnaturally by nighttime voicing or some deliberate noise.
06/07/08 05:51
I find at the end of May the work I recalled having led to some images where blackdense regions were shown up in purple. I find also a day or two earlier reference to the character-thinning prog I wrote some months previously, but not the images I thought I had included to show the output of that prog.
... I find the images were uploaded but there is no link to them from the HTML of May 2008 (not in my version locally, at least). The images were - or should have been - May2008-47.jpg and May2008-48.jpg. These omissions have something to do (almost certainly) with the fact that I was not updating my website diary so much in June as ordinarily I would (in fact from some date around the end of May: I recall the last two or three days of May were for a while put up as a separate entity on my index page). It was not for the usual reason though of wanting to defend myself by concealing and destroying information, and the difference can be seen in the fact that I still have my June diary intact on this computer locally and have every intention of putting it up on my website when I have an opportunity. I would think in terms of hypnotising suggestion to emulate what causes me, under the influence of ASM, to withhold or destroy information.
06/07/08 06:04
The images May2008-47.jpg and May2008-48.jpg were available on my website in the uploaded version at 30-May-08; they disappeared in fact between the versions of 13-Jun-08 and 25-Jun-08 (and there were no versions uploaded between these two dates). The latter (25-Jun-08) was a version put up evidently to tidy up the end of May, the last three days of May being presented on the index page under a heading SEEING THE LAST OF MAY. The other change between 13-Jun-08 and 25-Jun-08 was the inclusion of my diary for 05/06/08 and the change therein of June from interim to updated interim version.
The essence of the difference between last September (which also I think saw an interim version to start with) and June just gone lies in the September case being down to my own intention, whereas this June an attempt has been made to insert hypnotically into my mind the intention or goal of withholding or destroying information. I take it this has been the point, to try to determine what it is I - or people - want (will) as compared to what they can through hypnosis be induced to will. My view is that Will is determined by long-range more abstract prognostications (of benefit and disbenefit) - estimated using the seriatim frontal brain to model the world well out of the here-and-now - and because hypnotic interference displaces the seriatim (indeed requires some method, such as use of drugs, which suppresses the subject’s own seriatim) it cannot (unless continuously employed, and the subject constantly suppressed year after year as I was with antischizophrenic drugs) alter essentially the Will. It can only alter lower-level processes through which the Will is put into effect - say interfere with them through post-hypnotic effects - although possibly to an extent making prosecution of what had been willed so onerous as to be discontinued. Of course if the effect of the post-hypnosis is to cause the subject to take drugs or otherwise make himself liable (without truly willing it) to further hypnosis, then the effects may go on and on. In my case it is to a certain degree onerous to ensure (as best I can) that I am not drugged - for example I ought really to entirely eschew eating out, although I do give in to the extent that I think estimation of a low probability that foods supplied in cafés will be drugged allows - but it is not so onerous as to be impossible to hope to avoid the drugs. Also, of course, by making strenuous attempts to evade drugging - collecting river water, for example - I give unmistakable notice communicatively that I do not consent and certainly do not desire to be drugged. (Regarding the river water I do have a slight niggle that it might not be best for the health, so given the current seeming frequency of drugs in bottled water I shall intend to procure bottled water, but still as safely - using randomisation or at least unpredictability - as I can.)
06/07/08 07:11
I have found (on my auxiliary hard drive) a copy of my folder of VB progs dated 080614, and presume it will contain the work I did at the end of May on Visual field analysis.
06/07/08 07:17
The latest version I can find is Visual field analysis 080607 2135 in a subfolder I now call (evidently) _Documents VBV current (VB1).
06/07/08 07:53
Despite what I said about not having calculated simply a moving average of greyscale across the ‘visual field’ that is the scanned lineage, I find I did in fact do so in essence by finding that the most useful value for dparam was zero. This implies that there is no diminution according to distance away, of the contribution to the blackdensity summation at a point from a nearby (dark) pixel. The moving average (that is, the field of moving averages) naturally depends on the bandwidth over which the averages are calculated.
In using for my example a scanned lineage of text (although I often say putatively of text) and moreover, initially scaling it to make the tramlinesize = 8, I am making the inherent presumption that the field of greyscale is arranged in a certain way, that is according to how text in English is printed. If not then it will not be possible to find tramlines and scale them to be eight pixels apart. It means - this scaling - that I can with useful confidence make presumptions about the bandwidth to calculate the moving averages over, for blackdensity purposes. The very dark blotches where characters mistakenly run together can be thought of as over-printing, that is where part of one character is printed in the same space as part of the abutting character. We may therefore usually expect such blotches to be especially black, perhaps twice as black (by some way of measuring) as the usual black lines making up characters. The bandwidth for the moving average calculation should be of the order of expected overlapping, which will be from one pixel in size, up to the thickness of black lines of which characters are composed (but a bit bigger to average out local fluctuations from pixel to pixel).
In the more general case of a field of greyscale the initial analysis would determine sizes and shapes of regions of darkness which in the case of English text would resolve into the tramlines. Scaling (for the purpose of comparing objects seen near or from afar) would follow the same basis as making the tramlinesize = 8.
I take it (since I come up so quickly with such a clear and effective solution to a problem bugging me for over a year) that I am now free of ASM and can think.
06/07/08 12:00
I have got so far combining the ideas above with the starting point of the finishing point (or at least breaking point) I reached last month. I have adapted the moving-average function for blackdensity (as in effect it was) to produce as output a field of values suitable to be used to adapt (subtractively) the values otherwise arrived at for the greyscale field of the lineage of text. This seems not too bad, but of course the parameter to be used in scaling the values to be subtracted is uncertain in its method of determination (I have guessed at values so far, producing sensible-looking output) and in particular dark blotches seem not to be lightened sufficiently and light areas seem to be lightened more than is ideal. The reason for this must be associated with too-dark blotches only actually ever cropping up rarely, and almost always where adjacent characters run together improperly.
Resulting from the need I imply for a better theoretical analysis, I have arranged for the graphing of popularity of different values of blackdensity (just as I did with greyscale itself, to determine what darkness counts as black based on the numbers of pixels which are judged to be ‘dark’ enough to be ‘black’).
In the case of greyscale the way I distinguish black from white is to divide the area under the plot of ‘popularities’ into half; the lighter part (a smaller range of greyscale, up towards pure white, given the larger counts there of ‘popularity’) is considered the ‘white’ range. In considering this as a model of natural processes, I must consider it as a subsystem of the visual system, a subsystem which detects lines (such subsystems having been identified empirically, eg in cat retina). In judging the reasonableness of my functions for (say) distinguishing black from white I need to convince myself not so much that this is in fact how neural structures in nature perform the task (clearly the mechanisms they use are different from those in electronic digital computers) but rather that this way of doing it will result in something useful in nature and empirically approximates results observed from natural mechanisms.
In the case of making improperly abutting characters distinct it is easy to see that altering only those blotches of blackdensity dark enough to be quite possibly due to over-printing is likely to work, but it is not immediately obvious how natural means of discounting very dark blotches (presumably to show up information better by use of contrast - the converse of restricting great brightness through mechanisms including pupillary contraction) will be parameterised to lead to the same result. It must be the fact that it is done in some way using some parameters, by virtue of the very ability that the human eye has to distinguish improperly abutting printed characters, and surely not from having specially evolved for the purpose since the date printing (or writing) was invented.
06/07/08 13:09
Within the past half hour or so we have had breakfast (fried egg and sausages with toast and Lurpak butter) and I have eaten a Flake chocolate bar. Now I am affected by drugs with principally stimulant effects. I suspect rather the Flake than the items for breakfast. The Flake was bought the afternoon in Birmingham the seemingly drugged hot-dog was bought, together with other chocolate bars from Woolworths and these other bars have given rise to suspicion too.
The symptoms are a feeling of fullness of the abdomen, a feeling of hotness (with sweating), an odd feeling in the nasal passages (presumably corresponding to dilatation) and pins-and-needles in my left little finger. I must presume (and hope) it is a close-to-the-physical stimulant.
06/07/08 13:31
Over the past hour I have been stopped in my tracks with what I was doing, because I can no longer internally envisage as I had been able to. The effect of this is to suddenly deprive me of the pleasure I was getting out of what I was doing, doing at the same time as interacting competently with external reality. As a result my bitterness and (indeed) hatred of those I take to be among the psychiatric brotherhood in Britain re-arises: they are taking still more hours from my life, additional to all I have lost in the past. I do not understand why they do what they do, but I am sure it has no ethical basis but is either founded simply in continuing what has gone on in the past, or (more hopefully for me) is a last fling while they decide to understand the hurt they do me.
I have just come immediately (it seems to me) from sitting on the toilet to the living room, turned on the computer and sat down to start to type. The clarity of my memory seems relatively good, and I can remember that when I was sitting on the toilet I was close to sleep and correspondingly my memory for that minute or two is incomplete. Specifically, I cannot clearly recall flushing the toilet, but I must have done so (and before getting up from sitting on it) because as I got up (in fact before I got up) I could hear it flushing, and although I had passed water into the pan it was clear after I got up (the slight surprise at finding it clear was what alerted me and then I noticed and now remember that as I stood up it was flushing: the surprise was occasioned in the fact that I could not remember initiating the flushing and expected to have to actuate the handle after I got up).
Because of stiffness of my bowels related to a further access of the ‘stomach bug’ of recent days I did not evacuate my bowels. I faintly recall urinating standing up before sitting down thinking I might empty my bowels. My conclusion is that I might well have suffered hypnosis while sitting on the toilet, still half asleep having got up from my bed a minute or two earlier.
On the other hand (thinking now more fully how such a crime might be planned and put into effect) the only reasons (in combination) I have for suspecting hypnosis is the incomplete memory - which might simply be a natural consequence of being half asleep still while sitting on the toilet - combined with the fact of having suffered something akin to hypnosis in the past. To have spoken hypnotising words to me in the last few minutes as I sat on the toilet would have required a foregoing intention and plan on the perpetrators’ part to do so - which they might have - but also the inactivation of the side security light (unless my memory of its turning on just now has been erased or has naturally disappeared) together with a willingness to wait for exactly the opportunity when I came and sat on the toilet plus a means of ensuring the hypnotising words were spoken only when I was in a state suitable to be hypnotised (presumably, that is, while sitting relaxed on the toilet) and hypnotised well enough to create amnesia. All this without much feedback from me, other than seeing the bathroom ceiling light turn on at a certain time (because presumably hypnotisers outside the bathroom window could not be sure to hear any words I might utter, or other signal I might give, in response).
So on the whole I feel pretty certain I was not hypnotised, and blame the initial suspicion I had been on a condition of unnatural sleepiness due to drugs in my metabolism (drugs associated also with bringing back the ‘stomach bug’, although possibly not necessarily the same drugs but rather given in combination with them, perhaps even so that - part of the reason - I should have notice from the physical discomfort that drugs were in my metabolism) plus as I say the certain fact that in the past I have been hypnotised or similar and in those cases then, for reasons I do not fully understand. If I had never heard anything of The Experiment I daresay even given these same drugs I should not imagine - certainly not have an instant presumption requiring mental processing to dispel through logical reasoning - that I had been hypnotised.
As I was waking up, in slight discomfort in bed due to the ‘stomach bug’ about 1.30 am by my estimate, thoughts were going through my mind on blame and related questions to do with punishment for crime. These arose from the initial idea that some might think - in fact my guess is that I am invited to think this - that I had been the cause of my own discomfort from the ‘stomach bug’ through drinking river water. (My guess is that this latest access comes from having drunk a very small quantity from a safe in our passage yesterday, when this was the most convenient place to fetch water from which was required - a small quantity to top up - to boil spaghetti at lunch-time yesterday. My best guess therefore is that the combination-number on that safe was found out, presumably through trial and error, at the time the loft also was accessed and the water there contaminated, that is most likely the days we went to London. This might mean - but it is by no means certain - that foodstuffs in the safes in the loft, which then had the same combination-number, are now sound whether or not when I put them there they contained drugs, as I thought they did this being the reason for securing them there as evidence or otherwise for later retrieval.)
It is virtually a certain fact that Other People have caused me (and Dawn) this stomach discomfort, the reason being something to do with inviting me to blame myself and give some response based on that, or explain what I think about blame in that sort of meaning. The best gloss I can put on it is that the basic purpose is not mere curiosity - to see how I react or what I say - but rather in relation to blameability of people in the past - most notoriously Armond, whom again I was thinking of as a chief culprit last night when I found out my diary again for September 1987 - and my view what should be done with them. However I have answered this before, in my website diary for Sunday 27 April 2008:
As regards punishing Armond, my attitude is that because no punishment is going to be sufficient I do not want myself to suffer anything further (that is, any further drugging) in order to better assess the degree of his guilt. The man can go to Hell on his own time. My recommendation for British psychiatrists is re-training at Guantanamo Bay, and for trainee and would-be psychiatrists drowning as perinatally as possible.
I have not altered my attitude at all in the intervening two months (and a bit). There were reasons for what Armond did (centring on his inadequate comprehension of things) but the hurt he caused me - concerting to a degree I do not myself know with others in the Experiment from its outset - has been so immense, involving the loss to me of decades out of my life, that as far as I am concerned I am not competent to say what punishment is fit, and if I am to give my view the punishment should be execution. Because there is not likely to be any satisfactory punishment imposed, and because it seems most unlikely any other person will be made to suffer as I have so there is no need for practical reasons to assess a punishment, I should like to be exempted from future suffering myself if the basis of that suffering is related to assessing degrees of guilt and what punishment is appropriate.
I think psychiatry as practised in Britain (and no doubt elsewhere) does more harm than good, and the budget for psychiatry from Government resources should be made zero. I cannot recommend pensioning psychiatrists currently employed. Compulsion on mental health grounds should cease, to be replaced if people said to be mentally ill commit crimes by compulsion (in the ordinary way, that is into prison or to have money taken through fining) under the ordinary criminal law.
As I was waking up I had more interesting thoughts than these, on the moral question of blame, but I hope I shall now be in a condition to have a change of subject and get back to Visual field analysis programming, leaving philosophical questions on blame to a book I might write in the future.
07/07/08 07:42
I have had a further (say) three hours’ sleep, going back to bed on becoming tired after writing two (or perhaps three) letters additional to those I wrote yesterday. I am surely correct to think of this broken sleep as working-out of sleep disturbance following my latest ingestion of mind-altering drugs (yesterday, before I had genuinely got over the drugs ingested the previous day or two).
... Looking back (initially to try to decipher how affected I had been on Saturday by drugs, given that I understand quite clearly the sequence of events yesterday Sunday) I see that the sequence this morning - early waking with work based on mental activity in the small hours followed by tiredness and sleep - is much the same as last Wednesday morning. More generally, drug effects suffered last week as well as yesterday (but less so yesterday given that by then I distrusted the stored river water and risked only a very small quantity of it) may all have been caused by river water I drank - and Dawn to a degree - which had been in storage and was got at the Thursday and Friday of the week preceding last week, when we spent days in London. I cannot remember for sure though at what stage I got the river water down from the loft. My idea was to test it - not at all taking it for granted that after weeks in storage there it would not have been got at (particularly since I half-remember, or seem to, queries from hypnotising voicers about some ultimately secure store of water - and other things, say ‘evidence’ of one sort or another - meaning that in the loft) - and basically get rid of it, or certainly reduce it in quantity. I had wanted to rely more on a continuous turnover of water fetched regularly from the river (particularly since I half-remember, or seem to, suggestions - which I thought not bad suggestions - from nighttime voicers representing ‘the Authorities’ that I should get into a regular routine, that is in my usage a regular routine of obtaining and ‘turning over’ water from a certainly undrugged source the best being the river). The reason I agreed getting into a regular routine would be a good thing - provided it was not a regular routine of relying on water which I knew could at the Authorities’ choice be turned perverse (ie the water supplied to our taps by South Staffs Water) - was that should I be debilitated at some future time by ASM continuance of such a routine would be relatively easy, as against needing to think to break a routine. In the past I have had difficulty, becoming entrapped in reliance on unsafe tapwater because the dosage of ASM from it gradually stepping up (and my routine of unsafe times of collecting it, that is perhaps getting into the habit of drawing water from the tap on getting up in the morning) I have continued the routine and not been able (when the dosage has become high enough to interfere significantly with my ability to think for myself in novel and creative ways and introduce in practice novelties to the routine) to break the routine. This is the sense in which I say ASM can be addictive. It is addictive if it becomes the easiest thing to do, to continue accepting it. This was how it was for me in 2006 after Dr G had entrapped me by gradually introducing risperidone to me in dosages stepping up bit by bit. Eventually I became unable to satisfactorily state my case to prescribing doctors seemingly responsible, such as Eid in April 2006, when - on Saturday 29 April 2006 - I had this to say:
In that case might it be an idea to explain the deleterious effects to Dr E, as at one time I used to attempt with Armond? That would entail a lengthy discussion about the basis of my supposed diagnosis and the basis of the decision which supposed drugs to use on me. I still can’t work out if Armond - or doctors in the present time - genuinely think I am schizophrenic. The ‘symptoms’ I have presented were faked-up with drugging and environmental alteration, but Dr G (for example) last year flatly declined to entertain any possibility that I had in fact suffered spiking with drugs. The answer must be he was instructed to flatly deny it. What other course could there be if it was decided I must be detained with some appearance of validity?
I have no sense of completeness to terminate these remarks in a satisfying way. There’s another aspect of ASM effects similar to effects of schizophrenia: perseveration, as it’s called in schizophrenia, and in the ASM case comparably a lack of a feeling of completeness (but perhaps usually not obvious in the latter case due to lack of energy - caused by the ASM - to pursue what is in train even though it has not been completed).
I hope this explains the fear I have of entrapment, and I hope this explanation is widely available and not just to those who may have ulterior motives for wishing me to continue - or resume - to be stilled by ASM (this latter fear coming back to me since I recently found out again my diary from September 1987 which seems almost for sure to indicate there was improper persuasion - for improper reasons - on me from the Armond camp, to accept continuous administration of antischizophrenic drugs). It is not usual - I learn from Dawn’s past experience, for example - for patients to be so insistently maintained on antischizophrenic drugs as I have been. Speaking of Dawn: when I went with her to see Eid in
07/07/08 08:34
I break off there realising that there is little point putting a lot of explanation in my website diary if it is mainly for the benefit of people with an intrinsic interest - and not for my own good - that I should be medicated with stilling antischizophrenic drugs. I should be interested to know who puts up funds, say to pay motorists to drive in unnaturally large numbers round Kingswinford. My thought is that it is funded by the British Government and not by some ‘private army’ allied to Armond and Kate Bush’s Dad, and that ‘The Experiment’ as it now stands, while receiving encouragement from those who wish to protect Armond and others who have misbehaved in the past, is presented to authorisers of government funding as useful for the investigation of schizophrenia and perhaps mental healthcare in general in Britain. Civil Servants who have gone along with funding to Nottinghamshire mental health providers on the basis of ‘The Experiment’ being centred at Bassetlaw Hospital will not now willingly admit that the basis of it was mistaken. The basis of it is mistaken in that I have been taken advantage of in its course improperly especially given that I am not genuinely schizophrenic. The origin of my diagnosis in 1980 was flawed because of what Armond and others were intent on in those days. But they again have never felt able simply to admit that they made a mistake.
The danger in this remains for me that given certain drugs I may behave in a way seen by everyone to be unusual enough to be called mentally ill, and professionals with a vested interest may make an improper diagnosis with double-think in their minds. Even though I now appear entirely sane I daresay ‘expert witnesses’ could be brought forward at any stage to say this can happen: a sudden relapse from seeming perfect sanity into schizophrenia.
07/07/08 11:27
I have written amongst others to the West Midlands Chief Constable (altering the drafts of recent days slightly). It seems a certainty someone ‘illicitly’ entered our bungalow, and when I am more rather than less paranoid (made so by drugs) I think of such trespassers as entirely independent mercenaries without any checks and balances. However, soldiers in the British Army (who when within the Army are not in the category of mercenaries without satisfactory supervision even though some may later leave and become just that, just as there is a certain fraternity or interchangeability between some police officers, security firm agents and plain criminals) some of them smoke fags and leave butt ends - a regrettable sign that someone had been at our front door, although not necessarily anyone to do with entering ‘illicitly’ - and on the whole it seems (at the moment, given my freedom this morning from mind-alteration due to drugs) most unlikely that a ‘secret army’ being paid by the Armond faction is acting entirely without proper authority in drugging our water. Especially since if they wanted to make me behave in an out-and-out insane or violent way (as was done in November 1980) they could have used larger dosages and drugged other foodstuffs not just water.
My conclusion is that there is a delicate collusion between officialdom in the present day and those representing people in the past who have acted more independently and with less restraint and propriety, this latter leading to my outrageous behaviour (eg in November 1980) because the dosages were not adequately limited. The reason present ‘officialdom’ does not simply accept that those who did such things in the past were more or less plain criminals is surely that out of what those criminals did, by some trickery perpetrated by Armond and buddies around 1986 or 1987, came an official acceptance of responsibility for ‘looking after’ me - for example paying me Incapacity Benefit without demur and trying to find a paid companion (which turned out to be Barbara) ready for after my parents were dead - which then after I ran away, around 2004 blossomed into The Experiment centred on Bassetlaw Hospital; so that in all the ‘officials’ have difficulty finding a way out which is acceptable to everyone including those (the Civil Servants, most of them, if not the psychiatrists) who have some moral sense.
What I am concerned with is not to be drugged - certainly not constantly and unevadably - with antidopamine drugs. Given such drugs - and I agree it is horrid to think that this was so for nearly three decades, but it was so - I cannot live any life worth calling life.
So I do not know what way out there is, but I shall be guided always (in the immediate future, I am thinking of in particular) by a determination to evade antidopamine drugs but with caution - sometimes causing me worry if not anxiety - not to appear too wayward and certainly not insane in pursuing that object.
08/07/08 08:18 [Tuesday]
The idea originally of the Experiment, started in the later 1970s when I was a student (in my first year) at Cambridge University, was to alter my behaviour, and in particular to make me more sociable. What Armond said at a slightly later date - that I would eventually thank him for what he had done ‘for’ me - truly represented the perpetrators’ way of thinking: they felt that if they could succeed in altering my behaviour along lines including making me more sociable, and more generally seeming - or becoming, as these people probably think of it because they believe schizophrenia is an illness which can achieve a cure and they took me to be schizophrenic although in the 1970s with only ‘negative’ symptoms of (for example) social avoidance - a more conventional member of the human race (in particular, showing - and feeling, as they presumably think of it - more conventional emotions better understood by people like themselves), I would become happier, and there would be no question in anybody’s mind least of all my own that I was happier: with the consequence that I would be pleased to have been ‘cured’.
The truth of the matter is that the intervention in my life, and especially the intervention using drugs, has made me less sociable while the intervention is going on, and believing less, as a theoretical notion applicable after or without any intervention, that sociability is desirable. The reason for the latter is that I have discovered - and before I went to uni I would not have thought in such terms at all, but would have presumed that on the whole people are good people and do not want to hurt their fellow man - that it is possible for people to hurt me and continue to hurt me despite all I do (in the past, but now I am having more success) to discourage or dissuade or prevent them. (The hurt I am speaking of, in case there are readers who do not understand, is hurt caused by antidopamine drugs.)
It is still my understanding - as a theory - that people on the whole are good and do not want to hurt others. Of course there are exceptions, in that people in a rage can hurt others and people instructed from above, say according to ideology (combatants in war), can hurt others in quite a calculating way. This latter class includes people like ‘the Authorities’ who hurt people - hurt me, certainly - because they have a certain way of regarding the world which is almost worth calling a scientific theory. In the particular case of ‘The Experiment’ also, a contributory factor is the inability of the present-day perpetrators to ‘think outside the box’ that is in the sort of counterintuitive way (as they say in mathematics of theories such as Relativity and Quantum Mechanics) which sets aside immediate perception or simple-minded conclusions drawn from immediate perception in favour of understanding at a more abstract level bringing in many more different aspects than the immediately obvious (or seemingly obvious). What I mean is the perpetrators observing my demeanour (I suppose) and believing from their natural way of interpreting other people that I am not unhappy - and, specifically, sometimes in the past I have not stated my unhappiness (after months of subjugation with antidopamine drugs ceasing to think it worthwhile to state it, when the statement has thus far had no result) - take the view that there is no need to discontinue what they are doing (specifically, giving me antidopamine drugs) because the continuing Experiment is OK for all concerned (and moreover, this a factor I sometimes make much of, they are getting paid for it).
A cognate context in which people hurt other people is the case of a doctor - one sometimes reads of such cases in the news - who taking on a particularly simple-minded way of interpreting symptoms decides to recommend loads of children (one case I recall) being consigned to Local Authority care because he (or she) saw evidence the children were being sexually abused. I suppose the fact that it was a doctor in that case too (as well as my ‘case’ involving mental doctors, I mean) implies that sometimes - unlike cases under the criminal law - terrible results follow as a consequence of doctors’ decisions without adequate checks and balances, this made more likely because the political ethos of the day says there is nothing especially hurtful in (say) children going into care, or patients being taken against their will to be held in hospitals which are represented as ordinary hospitals, and indeed nowadays are comprised of wards annexed (behind high fences) to conventional hospitals.
A difficulty I face is that ‘the Authorities’ and I do not communicate well. There are various reasons for this the original one being that I am not emotionally expressive in the way they would like people to be, which is part of what originally the Experiment was trying to ‘cure’. Another reason is that there is no direct communication: I do not know what sort of people read what I put on my website although I presume some of them read it in order to relay information to ‘the Authorities’. I put it in that way because I hope that nowadays there are intermediaries who can translate what I say so that ‘the Authorities’ understand it better. Around the end of 2006 it was not so, in that I was requested through hypnotic voicing (I feel sure) to separate off within my website the subjects the Authorities did not want to have to read through. This brings up the point, of course, that it is not at all certain how I shall interpret stuff voiced hypnotically, or stuff I imagine - based on the certain fact of hypnotic voicing in the past - has been voiced. Also, I do not know who I am writing words such as these for: if I knew better I could tailor my way of expressing myself better to the aptitudes of those reading ‘for the Authorities’. This has been something from the outset I have not understood: I am given certain treatments - the most devastating being drug treatment - and the perpetrators have never made sure adequately to obtain feedback on the effects. My best guess is that those drugging me feel certain the drugs do little harm - they probably do more good than harm, they think - but that my response to antidopamine drugs is out of the ordinary (it seems so when compared with Dawn’s response, say).
It is the case - not noticed heretofore because of the lack of willingness of ‘the Authorities’ to advise themselves adequately - that antidopamine drugs act on me to reduce my sociability and as part of that to reduce the effectiveness with which I tailor my communications according to who the recipient is. My hope - and close to being my presumption - is that current assessments include assessments of just that, in considering my letters to various parties (such as the Chief Constable recently).
I further hope - and come close to presuming - that an assessment is underway how negative is the effect on me of antidopamine drugs as regards achievement of goals. My central goal is to stop being given antidopamine drugs, and all my recent activities prompted by The Experiment (taking time from me which I myself would rather use investigating Visual field analysis, which ultimately would be a more rewarding pursuit for the world as well as for myself, by any reasonable measure of reward: but not by the parochial measure which is the continuance of The Experiment and hence of the pay of the perpetrators) have been directed to this end. Success seems to be building on success: that is, as I get more and more free of the debilitating effects of antidopamine drugs I get better at reducing their incidence on me still further. This is proof that, as I have claimed, antidopamine drugs reduce my effectiveness in pursuing goals, and reduction of their incidence on me increases my effectiveness. My hope is that those who ultimately oversee the dosages thrust on me can understand this, and I hope also that there are overseers of dosages independent of those who rely for their livelihood on the continuance of The Experiment (the implied fear here being cognate with fear of improper drug prescribing in more usual cases if the prescribers’ income depends on having patients needing repeat prescriptions, this a serious factor as far as I could see in some GP practices around Bassetlaw).
Overnight I suffered the ‘tummy bug’ difficulty again. The origin of it this time was water left in a bottle in our passage which has been contaminated in recent days (most likely last Saturday) by ‘illicit entrants’ who would have taken it to be river water. The point I make is that the accuracy of this hypothesis (and ‘the Authorities’ will know the facts so can be sure whether my hypothesis is accurate and to what degree) depends on the resolution of my neural structures, which at the present time is very high because I am so successfully evading dopamine-blocking drugs (having got over by the middle of the night the antidopamine drugs in the contaminated water combined with the substances causing the ‘tummy bug’). The point I am making (to be entirely explicit) is that antidopamine drugs are not a help to me but a hindrance.
I have mentioned in a recent diary entry that our break last month in Skegness with Dawn’s son was going well until The Experiment intervened and I was almost certainly drugged with antidopamine drugs (and certainly was interfered with by some combination of drugging and hypnotic voicing).
08/07/08 09:45
I find - having got round after all this time using this word to looking it up - that the OED (First Edition) says underweigh is a mistaken variant of underway based on a presumed association with weigh anchor.
08/07/08 13:56
What I object to basically, in The Experiment and in anything in life, is not being free to pursue my own thoughts. This is so whether or not my own thoughts would lead to money coming in for me or for the economy generally, and whether or not the thoughts might be of interest to others now or in the future (if published in some form). Antischizophrenic drugs prevent me thinking my own thoughts, and - even in the lowest dosage, I believe - prevent me thinking any thoughts. This was why I lost my employment when treated with antischizophrenic depot injections, early in the 1980s: I could not think clearly enough to (to be specific) complete the project I was required to do for Part 3 of the Professional Accountancy course I was doing on block release from Dudley Council. Of course it was dismal for me apart from not being competent to do the accountancy work I had been able to do, not to be able to do activities at home needing the mind: I could not read books with enjoyment, or even listen to the music I had used to with enjoyment.
There are other ways I can be prevented from thinking my thoughts, apart from drugs (and some drugs other than antischizophrenic drugs interfere, that is those of a sedative nature: my belief now is that the past day or two a sedative drug not an antischizophrenic drug has been interfering, and was this morning, most likely contained in Lurpak butter contaminated with the water presumably on Saturday). If I had been at work, once I was used to the routine I should - I do not doubt - have been able to think my own thoughts at the same time. I should never have wanted a very responsible position distracting me too much from doing so, and (apart from my father’s advice) computer programming might well have suited me better than accountancy. When I was working in the Cost Office at Round Oak Steelworks (in the nine or ten months before university and in the vacations while a student) to start with I found the work interesting, as I was new to it, and as time went by I still found it sufficiently interesting but the routine nature of it meant that while doing it I became more able to devote time to my own thoughts. This may also have related to maturation, in that since adolescence I have been able (certainly when free of drugs) to think for myself at the same time as talking to other people, and this corresponds to being able to do the fairly routine work of a junior in an accountancy division while thinking freely about other things ‘at the same time’ (meaning in the intermissions, as became possible, with the benefit of resumable structures of thoughts which recently I have remarked on in my diary as resumable structures involving ‘neural loops’).
What I am saying then is that being at work in the fairly lowly position I might have preferred (or as a computer programmer, where the pay is high and the position not precisely lowly, but one does not have responsibility for people and is therefore freer to pursue one’s own thoughts) I need not have been distracted in any intolerable way. Being given antischizophrenic drugs over the decades has had a completely different and a truly invasive effect of interference though.
In recent months I cannot be sure to what degree I have been given antischizophrenic drugs. This morning even though I became angry at one stage feeling more thinking time was being taken from me (and it was the same yesterday morning: I became angry feeling the same on the bus to Wolverhampton) I have since felt better about it, this because the effect of interference has not been too long-lasting or too invasive. Even though my production now of these words is a feature of the tongue-loosening sedative drug - almost certainly - I am able to pursue cogitations ‘at the back of my mind’ at the same time (I know this by some species, not entirely explicit or conscious - although it could be made so by focusing on it if necessary to explain it in words - of introspection).
The best way I can assess the periods I have been affected by antischizophrenic drugs is by seeing that then I wrote down few thoughts. First of all given dopamine-blockade I have fewer thoughts, and second I see no purpose - no interest or enjoyment - in writing them down and certainly not in putting them forward for other people to read. When I was first keeping a regular diary as a student at Cambridge, even though there was then no internet and no blogging, the interest I had in writing down my thoughts was always associated with the vision in my mind of someone else reading them, possibly years later (as indeed has come to pass, although at the present time my diaries from the 1970s which had formed part of my website are no longer online). The motivation, if you like, for writing my diary was always that I had in mind - as a pretence, almost - that someone else might find interest in reading what I had to say. (Usually I thought of my potential reader as someone ‘schizoid’ like myself but more sensitive to being alone, that is more subject to negative feelings of loneliness.)
Another feature of antischizophrenic drugs acting on me, always I believe when they are combined with stimulants with the result that I can think to a degree but not with my usual perception and accuracy, is paranoia. I become troubled that the reason I am given the drugs is to still me into silence (and the best hypothesis I can dream up for what might require my silence is the negligent behaviour of Armond in the past, but not only Armond as surely he must have been answerable to somebody especially after 1986 when he must have explained to some supervisor what had taken place) and that quite possibly this will necessitate my being secreted away in some loony ward as I have been in Nottinghamshire in recent years. This fear is obviously greatly encouraged by the actions of Worksop police in seizing me the first Sunday of last December and locking me up late at night to give psychiatrists including Eid an opportunity to detain me for longer if they could.
Needless to say these actions on my mind of antischizophrenic drugs are significantly unpleasant (by which I mean unbearable) and - especially given the total loss to me of decades in my past from similar drugs - my sole priority always when the threat rears its head is to put a stop to the drugging I suffer. This priority overrides absolutely everything (except possibly my disinclination to kill or physically hurt other people).
09/07/08 05:53 [Wednesday]
On Tuesday 20 May 2008 I was delving quite deeply into the origin of the Experiment towards the end of my first term as a student at Cambridge University, that is around the month November 1974. It has been my belief occasionally in the past two or three months that some sort of official enquiry is going on into the way - the criminal way, if the truth be found out - I have been treated in the course of the Experiment. Something I overheard on a bus or train from a fellow traveller supported this view: she suggested (by my way of interpreting what she said) that I should go along with being spoken to hypnotically so that I could say things in evidence more to the point (because about then - perhaps two months back - I was rambling rather in my outspoken remarks on buses, under the influence of the drugs then successfully thrust on me). It might be, of course - presuming firstly that what I overheard was anything to do with my situation at all, and not merely an ‘idea of reference’ blown up by the effect then of drugs on my brain - that she was an agent of the Authorities intent simply on tricking me one way or another into allowing hypnotising voices to reach my ears at night without combating it at all. That would be for the purposes of the present-day Experimenters and not for my benefit in the least. (I must say my constant fear when I make remarks such as these which sensible people might read and take - as one would, at face value - to be delusional, is that the sensible people will have the truth withheld from them - even MPs, who many of them will take little particular interest in the unpopular question of mental health - and therefore I shall not be protecting myself, as is my intention in spreading the truth about what has gone on, from future mis-treatment on the pretend basis that I am mentally ill.)
So I might be led to imagine that the ideas in my mind on Tuesday 20 May 2008 were a result of nighttime voicing inviting me to remember and present (on my website) evidence from the past of the way I was mis-treated. On the whole - re-reading what I said that day and preceding days - my conclusion is that the reason the origin of the Experiment in the 1970s was in my mind was that I was just recovering from another bout of being drugged, that is drugged in a way reminding me of the past and drawing forth reflections on the past as the ability to think returned as the drugs wore off.
Presumably the reason is similar this morning, why I am trying to tidy up loose ends as regards evidence I have been putting together from the 1970s. In recent days I have suffered drugging with the antidopamine drugs which bring back the past, bring it back more forcefully as the effect of the drugs recedes in their aftermath. The upshot of this is that I have added images showing letters from my parents, for example one from February 1975 which I have added after the diary entry at 20/05/08 11:40.
Emily and Charlotte Brontë, and Albert Einstein, produced abstract structures which started out as structures in their heads - in their minds - which at a later date got written down (even in Einstein’s case more using words than mathematical symbols, even though the Theory of Relativity is nowadays given a mathematical treatment) and came to be highly thought of by Other People. These structures of thoughts - in the Brontë case I think more important to themselves were the fantasy worlds of their childhood (or rather, adolescent and post-adolescent) imagination in Gondal and Angria although more highly regarded by the world are their novels Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre - they developed almost entirely independently of Other People. The Brontë sisters were not part of the literary establishment of their day, and suddenly came to public awareness with the immense success of Jane Eyre when published. In fact in their own times Emily’s work Wuthering Heights achieved only lowly regard, but it has since been re-assessed by the clique or collection of cliques of literary criticism. In Einstein’s case the Theory of Relativity was at first thought to be abstract and of little practical importance and he first came to prominence on publishing a paper (or more than one) on the treatment of light as particulate - photons - rather than as a wave. The Theory of Relativity was developed without any significant interaction with other scientific thinkers of the day, and on its first publication the references quoted were so sparse it is a thing which has been much commented on.
The Theory of Evolution from Charles Darwin likewise was a structure he kept to himself. I don’t say he was secretive about it, but he did not feel he had sorted it out to his satisfaction sufficient to want to publish it until prompted (advised by his friends) by the likely appearance soon of a similar theory published by someone else (Alfred Russel Wallace).
These structures of thoughts were internally envisaged models dealing with questions of interest to the various parties - Einstein found certain published facts about the speed of light puzzling, and Darwin had experience from personal observation (during the voyage of the Beagle) of evidence for evolution of one form of living organism from preceding forms; and the Brontës had time on their hands and were not distracted (living in an out-of-the-way place in Yorkshire and educated at home by family) by the conventional necessities of life (nor by TV) and certainly in Emily’s case her serotonin level was such as to motivate the generation of mindly envisagements with pleasing internal structure within themselves - which first and foremost gave pleasure to themselves. Of these people Darwin was the most active in associating with Other People, and even Einstein (as well as the Brontës and particularly Emily) found that escape into the world of internal envisagement gave relief from harsh reality.
10/07/08 04:33
The structures of thought I am speaking of were maintained over a long period in the above cases and in similar cases, that is they were capable of being set aside for the purpose of leading a day-to-day life but were always ‘in the back’ of the mind and resumable in the more detailed form as occasion allowed. This was a prerequisite to sorting out such involved structures into the coherence (that is, having entire internal consistency within themselves) which made them acceptable on public presentation and indeed gives confidence they are ‘correct’ that is that, insofar as they are supposed to, they correspond with reality. (In the Brontë case because they are fictions they do not have a reality to correspond to in the scientific sense, but still to be widely accepted they must coincide with the experience of potential readers, or certainly not clash too grossly. Wuthering Heights raises doubts among critics on the basis of its seeming less real because too harsh.)
These structures of thought were embodied in neural structures in the brains of their creators of the type I have recently been mooting as depending on neural-loop style arrangements. This type of semi-permanent memory is used to set up internal models for such purposes as (in adolescence) answering examination questions and (in more practical life) maintaining an internal plan of one’s location as one moves about even in unknown territory. The arrangements which permit their maintenance depend on transmission across synapses of dopamine as I know because they are defeated in myself when I am given dopamine-blocking drugs. For example I completely lose my ability to maintain the internal plan of my geographical location at any time I am in less familiar territory.
Needless to say these neural structures are located in the frontal brain in man and come into use only from the time of adolescence. They are present in only a rudimentary form if at all in other animals (for example it is possible apes have them in rudimentary form). It seems to me that the functions called seriatim functions must correspond with those implemented using these structures of resumable semi-permanently remembered internally envisaged models of parts of the world (or as-if of parts of the world, in that the models can be used for abstract purposes such as in mathematics and chess when they are divorced from immediate connection with any structures in the physical universe, of tangible matter or time or space). To continue the point in parentheses: energy - let alone more modern conceptions involving waves or subatomic particles - is an abstraction in a sense different from time or space. Time and space, even though not tangible in the way matter is tangible, are directly appreciated by the mind and have implementations - that is they are modelled - in the brains of preadolescent humans as well as many animals. It must be so for survival, otherwise (for example as regards ‘space’) an animal of any complexity could not find its way about its territory. Experiments with rats trained in conventional mazes which were then converted to mazes of canals having to be swum convinced theoreticians who had previously hypothesised that learning a maze involved merely learning a sequence of muscular operations which got the animal from start to finish, that it was not so and that the rats in fact must have an internal model of spatial arrangements. Needless to say rats achieve this without a seriatim process.
An adult human being could learn a maze - walked or swum - much faster, the reason being he could set up an internal model ‘by an effort of will’, a model which (consisting of the type of neural structure spoken of above) could be discarded afterwards if no longer needed. Giving dopamine-blocking drugs would interfere with this ability, reducing the human to needing like the rat to practise sufficiently often over a sufficient period, to embody the knowledge of the maze in synapses which had permanently adapted to form a model of that specific maze.
Needless to say I strive my best to evade being given dopamine-blocking drugs because I dislike in the extreme having the ability taken from me to form such semi-permanent models of the world and its parts. I find it a matter for bitter regret that developers of these drugs, as well as those prescribing them in practice, have not taken sufficient care to determine adequately this effect they have. I find it very difficult to believe that anyone treated with these drugs will not suffer the debilitation I am speaking of. In practical terms the debilitation I have suffered of this nature over the years, given the unusual circumstances of the foisting on me of the drugs, has led to my not being employed in any capacity I would otherwise have been fit for and might have benefited from (as well as benefiting the economy). I regret the legal framework which permits such drugs to be compelled on people in disregard of their attempts to complain when they cannot understand (I myself have not until now) what the nature is of the debilitation they have to complain about. I regret any legal framework allowing people’s freedom to be taken from them without absolute need.
10/07/08 20:59
About ten minutes ago we ate a can of Heinz baked beans (bought yesterday at Asda Oldbury we think) with toast and Anchor spreadable butter (the latter bought yesterday at Asda Oldbury and almost certainly OK since it has not been left at home unguarded but the Morrisons bread bought the day before yesterday at Pendeford and suspect because left alone at home when we were out yesterday). I say all this because whereas before eating the beans-on-toast I had clarity of mind in rebound from drugs earlier, including a component of ASM, since eating the beans-on-toast my mind seems a little slow and unclear (I say seems because it seems now to be improving; this suggests to me a component of stimulant in with the ASM now suspected in the bread).
On the other hand given fluctuation in my ‘activation level’ at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill earlier I can perhaps hope the reason now is not more drugs but something of a ‘software’ nature.
My conclusion this morning - after suspecting then initially the Heinz baked beans - was that drugs had been introduced into Robertsons marmalade while it was left at home (possibly in a safe, since I feel sure my safes then having all the same six-digit combination were cracked a few days or a week ago this leading for one thing to contamination of water in them, giving rise to our ‘stomach bug’ difficulty).
11/07/08 08:43 [Friday]
As I am continuing with my reinvigorated work on security this morning - motivated initially by the assessment I made (soundly based in evidence) that illicit entry has been gained to our bungalow in recent days - a matter I have complained about in a letter to the Chief Constable - and gaining invigoration from the success I am having, this success bred of more successful avoidance of ASM this past two or three days, I have encountered a failure of the Velleman USB board I bought from Maplins a few months back. (Let me interrupt myself to say that it seems most likely that in the past two or three weeks I have been taking in ASM put into foods at home by illicit entrants. I had been presuming they would not enter because they could not be sure that the security I formerly had in place was no longer working as it should be. What I guess now is that when I slept away from home in May and June - at the Innkeepers Bessacarr and in Dawn’s aunt’s caravan in Skegness - I gave information while ‘asleep’ in some way, and this was enough information for the Experimenters to make use of Dawn - raising her anger with stimulant drugs which she was, I presume, hypnotised to take, or certainly somehow we were got into the position of having them - to wreak havoc to the security, after which the criminals were able to enter with less risk of detection or certainly less risk of detection leaving convincing evidence.)
What I am saying is that my initial presumption is that the Velleman board has been interfered with. I know there has been illicit entry and I do not know what checks and balances are in place (at times I think these illicit entrants are latter-day ‘friends of Armond’ intent on getting me hidden away on a mental ward in the recesses of Nottinghamshire and stilled - silenced - with antischizophrenic drugs) or what the rules are. I do not know if these people are authorised to damage my equipment: it seems extraordinary that they are authorised to cause us diarrhoea. So as I say, because the Velleman board was bought for use as an aid in security, I suspect it has been damaged by the illicit entrants. It may therefore cost me another Velleman board (and it is conceivable I may get the original board working afterwards: but I cannot take the risk of being without a working board for long, because of the danger of illicit entrants drugging foods we have in, as they have done without any doubt in recent weeks).
I have explained as best I can (recently) what hurt antischizophrenic drugs do to my freedom of thought, and yet these drugs remain legal and in fact otherwise illegal acts are permitted in order to get them into me. I must hope that certainly latterly the reason is to find out just what hurt these drugs do, even though the procedures being made use of are the ridiculous procedures of The Experiment in years gone by.
13/07/08 06:44 [Sunday]
I am still under the influence of drugs I took in from either water or chocolate interfered with yesterday evening almost certainly when I was under the canopy on the intercom outside Kingswinford police station, that is I was hypnotised there. This does not encourage me to feel safe to seek police help in that way (secluded under that soundproof canopy). As I said to a police telephonist on the West Midlands non-emergency number last night it is a terrible state of affairs that I am discouraged by such things (being taken advantage of when speaking to police on such an intercom) from seeking police help.
The stimulant component in the drugs I took in seems much stronger than I had realised. It is still acting powerfully now, as I can tell from my sensitivity to ‘patterns of repetition’ (that is, my increased notice of them), specifically patterns within random numbers (genuinely random, I have every reason to believe, although not seeming to me now genuinely random because they appear to contain such repetitions) I got the computer to generate as passwords for safes. I also had increased notice of the sameness of the pass-numbers for this DIXONSXP computer (the boot password in fact) and the safe (number 1) now placed adjacent, as a result of which I have altered one of those numbers. I should think the reason they got made identical was to do with the effect on me - Friday morning, I think I moved safe number 1 - of stimulant drugs then, although my inclination has been to presume I was hypnotised somehow to make passwords the same so that if one were cracked they all could be (this almost certainly is how the ‘stomach bug’ was perpetrated: the pass-number was found using some mechanism built into the defective Argos safe in use then, and that pass-number was the same in use for all my safes at that time).
...
Yesterday late afternoon on my return from Wolverhampton I spent some time outside the Roman Catholic church in Summerhill (Kingswinford) - a doctors’ surgery is adjacent with the name of Dr Plant still up, and he treated me when I was a kid so he must be getting on - and the suspicious behaviour of a lad on a bike possibly ‘casing’ the church (eg in preparation for acts of vandalism) gave me the idea it was something I might report to police but I did not because I was distracted by being hypnotised while under the canopy at the police station making my other points. The thing to do I believe is write to the priest in charge advising him of facts.
I have audio recordings, eg of my comments last night to police on the non-emergency number about 1 am and to Dawn afterwards (and to The Samaritans whose phoneline I sought to occupy), which I am hopeful might assist in bringing the abuse I suffer to an end, and possibly obtaining reparation (although I do not know at present how to make use of this evidence). The recording of that sequence is Recording 13 in Device 3. I shall download it.
13/07/08 07:20
My number sense is confused, for example in the matter of the numbering of the audio to be kept as evidence. The audio I mentioned was number 13 in the device but has downloaded as file DW_A0017.wav which I find confusing.
I have boiled dry two cupfuls of water and I do not have a lot of safe water. The reason for the loss is confusion (that is, forgetfulness) due to the drugs, so I am reduced now to drinking cold water only, until I become competent to boil it without too much loss.
Note added 23/07/08 09:04 [Wednesday]
My new website anthonydewarmondlivesat36abittellroad.org.uk is not presently working. The reason, I have little doubt, is that the otherwise Good People 123-reg have been got at, not so much (I think this morning, the chemicals in my brain being what they are: which is very little) by the current Socialist Régime as by my Board of Enquiry with the agreement of those looking after my interests, not wanting me to seem too vicious in my distaste for Armond and his paid team.
In a similar way, I believe, the otherwise Excellent People in Morrisons have been got at, and the shame of it lies with Armond and those related.
16/07/08 05:08 [Wednesday]
I have woken up feeling inclined towards paranoia, almost certainly as a result of being invited through hypnotic voicing to be paranoid than from any confusion in my mind. The paranoia fixed on the USB lead connected from the Velleman device in the safe adjacent to the DIXONSXP computer. I thought for a minute or two that it was not connected, but I am mistaken: the disconnected lead is a lead which had been connected overnight the night between Monday and Tuesday to an Olympus audio device covering the passage, just outside our bedroom in fact, while the lead from the Velleman safe is in place as it should be.
If the latter lead had been unconnected I did not see how the file I have called USBExperimentFile(16-Jul-08).txt could have been created with seemingly (and in fact) such proper self-consistent data in it. The file USBExperimentFile(15-Jul-08).txt, on the other hand, has strange data in it and I cannot see any way that file has not been falsified. From what I can make out this must have been done through rendering us unconscious (or equivalently, inducing amnesia covering this period) - presumably through hypnosis - yesterday evening on our return from Stourbridge police station. Just possibly I went out and Dawn was distracted in some way and the front door left open, immediately on our return: but I can’t genuinely believe we were not taken advantage of in the way I mentioned, by being rendered unconscious or equivalent at the time of our return. [Another possibility, seeming more likely to me this morning - Thursday 17/07/08 03:18 - given the information now available to me, is that there is a ‘Remote Assistance’ link to the Desktop on the DIXONSXP perpetrated by some wireless means, and of course improperly or I should say unusually, allowing things to be done which ordinarily would require local access to the computer, in this way remotely. Tied together with this may well be the fact that the DIXONSXP shows as having two ‘Genuine Intel® CPU 2140 @ 1.60GHz’ processors in it, and - this less clear to me, but hinted - two system hard discs this presumably meaning somehow two operating systems running in parallel, that is two computers but sharing peripherals. If it is so - the Remote Access wireless link at least - then I would have to presume Microsoft are implicated - this reconsidered below - and that The Experiment as it is now is a duly authorised investigation for all sorts of purposes including that of investigating criminal - in my view criminal - behaviour in the past by, most notoriously, Armond. Such a wireless means of interfering with shared peripherals would naturally readily permit deliberate introduction - temporarily - of faults such as in copying to an auxiliary hard disc, or to DVD. It is a means of interference I have suspected in the past but then most likely wrongly suspected. More physical evidence that the suspicion is true now of the DIXONSXP is to be found in the constant radio interference walkie-talkies - tried out nearby the DIXONSXP as part of my security - suffer.
If it is a matter basically of hardware of two computers within the DIXONSXP case, but sharing say USB-connected peripherals, it need not be the fact that Microsoft are implicated as having re-written the Windows-version operating systems. This would make sense also in that I might conceivably install a non-Windows operating system. Furthermore from the behaviour of Royal Mail in respect of my letters to Microsoft Business Solutions of Thames Valley Park in Reading - that is declining to deliver them - I would presume Microsoft are not in the know.
From notes in my Filofax for the morning of Thursday 3 April 2008 it seems a certainty I was led by hypnotic suggestion to buy the DIXONSXP desktop, a desktop size machine being required to hold the special hardware needed evidently for the investigation carried on from April onwards. I have said before that at the end of March I was advised through hypnotic voicing to make sure to back up securely anything on the computers I felt it vital not to lose. Of course after buying it - or possibly in my mind before buying it - I decided the best use for the DIXONSXP was as a dedicated machine for security, whereas it had been hoped I would do all my stuff on it and perhaps copy all my stuff from the past onto its hard disc or discs. Since then of course other computers I have had have been made to fail, or in the case of the Amilo Pro to be detained in Nottinghamshire.
The essential point to appreciate is that the effects on me of antidopamine drugs are so abominable I would do almost anything, as I have said before, to evade them. Moreover because they do such detriment to my mental processes it cannot have been appreciated just what I am capable of - in the computing line, say - when I manage not to be given them. This of course creates difficulty in that not being given them - and the authorisers must be close to understanding the torturous immorality there would be in insisting I be given them - I become free and make use of the freedom to go to places unpredictably and to fashion security arrangements very difficult to crack. Hence to try to convince me I am experiencing psychotic symptoms - in seeing a lot of motor vehicles driving about Kingswinford say, in itself a joke if supposed to be a symptom of mental illness - becomes quite laughable.]
16/07/08 05:39
Let me just note for my own convenience of information that the file PastYears.html first appeared in my website (barrass-brough.org.uk) in the version Uploaded version 080613.
What I have in mind (and I have a suspicion it is a ‘niggle’ hypnotically introduced) is there is - I believed - a file in the uploaded version of my website at 123-reg which ideally should be deleted (to save storage space for 123-reg). The file (I believed) is an HTML file called Writings.html which was a version of the page Writings from the past linked (in Uploaded version 080613) from the index page:
I detect the question here: if this matter I am pursuing (the file Writings.html, that is whether it exists and whether it needs to be deleted) is occupying my time at hypnotic behest, is there any benefit to me from having been advised hypnotically (since I do not set the advice aside and get on with something else)? The answer is the same as the answer to the equivalent question: is there any benefit to me (bearing in mind that I myself may benefit from having pleasure in helping other people) from communicating or interacting or spending time in an ordinary sort of way with other people (them not, in the ordinary way, hypnotising me)? There is benefit, as there is in activity of any nature, when one is not rendered incompetent (by drugs I mean, mainly) to learn from the experience. In this somewhat unusual case, where I am ‘allowing myself’ to be guided by hypnotic ‘advice’, I am benefiting from having these interesting reflections going through my mind (which some readers of my website may benefit from also, when these notes are put up on my website). Needless to say were my mind stilled by ASM this argument would not apply.
It may well be that the hypnotisers had in mind more the question whether I am grateful to be reminded, through hypnotic voicing, of the need to save disc space for 123-reg by deleting the file. This is not quite the way I look at it. If it had been an utterly vital matter to save disc space for them, I should have had the task in my mind more powerfully held on the to-do list. It is true there are people more forgetful than I am who might find there was something they felt they had ‘forgotten’ they needed to do, and be grateful therefore to be reminded. This question is actually very much more complex, in that ‘forgetfulness’ depends on the notion that benefit which would have been available is forgone because of a defective memory. But this is to look at things from a persuasive or even dirigiste perspective.
If somebody forgets something and suffers for it, his interest in remembering that type of thing - or things in general - is increased, from having suffered as a consequence of forgetfulness. If not, he may I suppose die from being forgetful and not learning to rectify the forgetfulness, in which case the ‘forgetful gene’ will become less prevalent. In the case of someone being reminded by another person, the supposed benefit from the reduced effect of the individual’s forgetfulness is actually common benefit: say in an army troop where the cadet soldiers are shouted at for forgetting to load up ammunition at the appropriate time. If an individual is content to live or die according to his own level of forgetfulness, then I say let him get on with it and good luck to him.
I am grateful for the voicing prompting these interesting reflections: but on the other hand had I not been indulging these reflections, what else might I have got done (opportunity cost again)?
I was remarking the other day to my imaginary hands-free, outside Morrisons Bescot: the universe is a sequence of events which take place.
I am very very happy to be free of drugs at present. I might put up some sound-bites of recent remarks I have made to my Olympus devices regarding the benefit potentially available from hanging all psychiatrists currently in existence.
16/07/08 08:38
I have had some breakfast, and I feel the effects of drugs. The only thing I have eaten not locked in a safe (with combinations I think most unlikely to be easily cracked) at the time we were taken advantage of yesterday evening has been Morrisons Black Cherry Conserve Extra jam. My understanding of things now is sufficient to know that if I go out the back (to chuck the remains of the Black Cherry Conserve over the rear fence) and certainly if I go out the front (to do my Neighbourhood Watch duty given that almost all if not literally all the families in the street have chosen to take their holidays at the same time these last days and for goodness knows how long into the future) I shall be further taken advantage of with hypnosis. I might learn more about how the hypnosis is perpetrated if I take some audio recorder devices with me (about my person) and I could cover the immediate front and rear of our bungalow with cameras if I turned them on suitably. I’ll consider what’s best to do.
Note added 23/07/08 10:01 [Wednesday]
Reflecting on the above written a week ago (and attached to my Blogspot blog I imagine with encouragement from those asking the questions, to avoid the delay and possible deletion which entries for my own website face) it seems likely I was asked about being hypnotised and the suggestion made that I have nothing to fear from being hypnotised. Unfortunately on Monday (21/07/08) I bought some Evian from Somerfield in Stourbridge, which turned out to contain drugs. This purchase was almost certainly encouraged hypnotically (because later in the day I shopped at Sainsbury's and obtained undrugged Evian). This then is what I have to fear from being hypnotised: being led to purchase horribly drugged food and drink, this later (for one thing) causing waste in that I chuck it.
From the hypnosis I suffered - almost certainly - that morning a week ago I formed no paranoia, and had no real objection: that is, from the hypnosis itself ignoring its consequences. And even the drug effects I mention, certainly at that stage last Wednesday, were not very objectionable (possibly they were drugs suitable for making hypnosis easier.)
17/07/08 04:46 [Thursday]
A condition I might describe as over-excitement now as I get going regarding my business for the day is almost certainly due to stimulant drugs still in my metabolism from yesterday, rather than due to any substances in the cup of coffee I drank getting on for an hour ago.
17/07/08 05:13
It strikes me that in the note I have inserted into yesterday’s diary as Thursday 17/07/08 03:18 I was too extravagant in my suppositions (made so by stimulant drugs which in the past hour or two have worn off more). All there is pretty firm evidence of is the capability to interfere by wireless with USB-connected peripherals, and possibly only through the USB ports at the rear of the DIXONSXP tower unit. I still find this hypothesis slightly more convincing than that Dawn and I were taken advantage of by hypnosis on returning home yesterday evening and the preceding evening.
Because I feel fairly certain the drugs affecting me now were not introduced by such advantage-taking on our return home yesterday evening but were in the milk earlier, and possibly at the time it was bought from Morrisons Wellington (Shropshire), it may be that the drugs I was objecting to yesterday (Wednesday) early morning were also not introduced on our return home Tuesday night but rather were in drinks or food we bought that day. The most sensible choice of villain to point the finger at, given what has happened in the past and the fact that the railways are more or less once again under State control, is the enterprising Pumpkin railway station buffet chain.
Although Morrisons is far and away superior to the likes of Tesco, if we only shop at Morrisons then when we are on our way to some perhaps remote destination it can be presumed well in advance that we are going to do our shopping at the Morrisons there. Hence some randomisation giving favour to Sainsbury’s or Asda (or Waitrose, Iceland or Spar, or even Lidl or Heron, but not under any circumstances Tesco) will be desirable.
What I have against Tesco is that the day I had my appointment with solicitors Rose, Williams & Partners of 2 Waterloo Road Wolverhampton to try to get the facts of the abuse done to me over twenty-five years put before Solihull Magistrates, Tesco sold me food or drink containing antischizophrenic drugs to still me and reduce my acuity.
Spawn of Satan I now number three:
(1) Armond
(2) Those running drugs factories
(3) Tesco.
17/07/08 06:37
However ‘psychological theorists’ like to dress it up to increase their seeming value as experts, confidence is feeling sure what to do, that is it is absence of doubt. The best way to theorise of it is in the terms I use, of processing capacity set against the processing requirement. If you can think clearly (and quickly) enough to know what to do in a given situation - a more, or less, demanding situation, that is demanding of ‘decision-making’ and in a loose sense ‘stressful’ - you feel confident. If you are uncertain and there is delay while you hum and hah and try to make up your mind, then that is unconfidence. It has little to do with surface appearance.
In respect of the latter too, I find that if people can see you know what you’re about and understand the ins and outs of it, and particularly if you can use that knowledge and understanding to help them (which is easy if it costs you next to nothing in distraction from what you are doing anyway), then even if you look a complete buffoon they like it and give you a high approval rating.
I think there’s something in the coffee. It may be caffeine.
17/07/08 06:54
The again rather Socialist idea that ‘psychological theorists’ seem to have, that anyone can do anything, is (as I think I have said before) mistaken. Most people however much they practised and read and otherwise garnered advice could not play tennis to the standard of say John McEnroe. The reason is McEnroe had certain components in him (still does I suppose although somewhat altered by time) - that is components in the physical universe, comprising not only things like muscle fibre but more significantly neurons and synapses in the relevant parts of his CNS (and particularly, large numbers of synapses, eg serving the retina), which on average people do not have. Such is confidence: to have large numbers of synapses serving that in which one’s confidence is well-founded (rather than brash and specious, like that suggested frequently by ‘psychological theorists’).
I must say it is a good Capitalist notion, that each component has a different - a complementary - part to play in division-of-labour arrangements. Some neurons are better suited to responding to light while others do better at causing muscles to contract. Some of them though towards the front are very flexible and can do all sorts of things, switchably (not at the same time but in a multiplexing mode).
Caffeine is good stuff.
18/07/08 05:51 [Friday]
Yesterday we dashed for a few hours to the Worksop and Doncaster area so that Dawn could visit family. The origin of this idea - I don’t think we went exactly at ‘hypnotic behest’ - lay in Dawn ‘talking’ to her son on MSN the evening before (Wednesday evening) and becoming worried, as so often, the basic reason being she is over-protective and the reason behind that being that for several years he was in effect the only friend she had, living with her full-time for a number of months when she separated from her ex and after she was hospitalised consequent on the difficulty she found in the arrangement of living on her own with him, living with her part-time when Nottinghamshire Social Services had assessed this as permissible. In more general terms Dawn, living in Kingswinford with me, misses contact with her family especially the younger members, and therefore it is a most regrettable fact that The Experiment always - it seems - uses periods we travel north (not so much when we go to High Wycombe or London, which I cannot entirely understand but I think in terms of Nottinghamshire somehow being a place run by outlaws like the Sheriff of Robin Hood’s time) to get higher dosages of noisome drugs into me thereby disinclining me to travel north. It strikes me as almost certainly a related fact - even though The Experiment surely is organised nationally - that doctors at hospitals like Bassetlaw (Worksop) and in the surrounding area make life easy for themselves by putting on as a solution to medical problems, wholesale prescription of tablets and medication in other forms. Furthermore, abuse of street drugs is a major problem in areas like north Nottinghamshire where young people have less chance of employment given the decimation of the coal mining industry which formerly was the main employer.
What I mainly wished to explain was the amazing change in my condition of mind almost from minute to minute as we returned home (that is, to what I regard as home in the West Midlands). Boarding the train at Doncaster (a direct service to Birmingham a few minutes earlier than the service we had projected to catch on which we would have needed to change at Sheffield) I found I was very angry. The anger had developed out of a realisation on the bus to Doncaster - presumably it was correct what I thought, and it was a realisation not a mis-judgment - that my life had been made empty for a number of hours (a number of hours just then commencing) by ASM in a drink I had chosen (not the coffee I usually have) at Dawn’s daughter’s. I must imagine I had been hypnotised - I had already on the journey north assessed that most likely I was hypnotised in the T-Mobile shop at The Pallasades above New Street station in Birmingham, in the course of my buying and trying to get to work a cheap Nokia phone (eventually I gave up and exchanged it for a slightly dearer Motorola phone) - specifically to request that drink (lemonade in fact).
The anger ebbed and flowed as we travelled southward. To start with I found it best to remain in a vestibule - cooler for one thing - but later on we found seats given that Dawn preferred to sit to rest. Becoming thirsty I got Dawn to buy a selection of bottled cold drinks from the on-board ‘shop’, and thinking then that I could not risk taking in more drugs, further a number of bottles of Harrogate Spa water. Still unhappy at the risk there might be drugs in drinks from such a limited choice of supplier (the on-board ‘shop’), I drank none of these and decided that to get water from a wash-basin at the next station (Derby) might be safer. I was able to find out - despite debilitation to my mental processes - that we could get off at Derby and hope to get on the service half-an-hour later on the same route and still arrive at Birmingham at a reasonably hour (around 10 pm), and we de-trained at Derby. I thought it very likely the service half-an-hour later would be scheduled for the same platform (number 3) so I got Dawn to remain there with our luggage (including a safe I had bought on arrival in Doncaster in the morning prompted by the assessment that most likely I had not evaded hypnosis on the northward trip, and otherwise heavy because we were bringing home items left in the Doncaster area with family after the problems we had in June when we stopped in hotels on one or two occasions supposedly holidaying) while I fetched water from the Gents on platform 1. I discovered I was right about the timetabled 2127, that is it was expected to use platform 3.
When I arrived back at platform 3 a train soon came in from the south said to be the 2027 for Bristol Temple Meads. The train we had got off had (I believe, although at the time I was not properly aware of this) been moved slightly, to the north end of platform 3. That train (the one we had got off) was the 2057 departure from Derby, so I must presume the time ‘2027’ I saw on the train which then arrived was the scheduled time of departure from Derby (I had presumed it was the time the train started from wherever it originated) and our train - the 2057 - was in advance of the 2027 which must have been delayed.
We got on the supposed 2027 but I remained near the door and heard the station announcer say (as far as I could make it out) that this train - the delayed 2027 - would travel to Birmingham via Leicester because of a problem between Derby and Burton-on-Trent. We got off therefore and waited, as we had expected, for the 2127. At least one other train was announced then as being for Birmingham New Street. There was said to be a 2108 departure, again running late. Because I had no timetable with such a train on it, I went to the station ticket office (the information office being closed and the timetable not being easily found on the racks) and asked for a timetable covering the just-announced 2108 departure. The man in the booking office was not overly helpful, requiring me to say where I was going before letting me have the timetable. The 2108 turned out to be on the Nottingham to Cardiff run (now the responsibility of Cross Country, like the formerly Virgin routes between the north-east and the south-west via Birmingham).
When I looked up at the electronic boards (this obtaining of the timetable having cost me some time) I found the delayed 2108 had evidently now left. I returned to Dawn at platform 3.
The 2127 arrived a minute after the time expected (which had been 2135 although fluctuating slightly with the minutes) and when a change of platform was announced for it (a thing I anticipate as happening more often than not, based on the statistics I have suffered in the past) my presumption was that we would have to get up the stairs and across the line, and could not do this in the time between the announcement of the re-platforming and the train’s arrival (given that we could not quickly locate any lift). I was therefore expecting we might be waiting another half-hour, and waiting on the over-bridge so that we could get to the train whatever platform it arrived at and departed from. However I was mistaken and the changed platform - number 2 - was the one adjacent to number 3 so we did not need to get up onto the over-bridge. We therefore boarded the delayed 2127, more or less according to the plan as it had been when arriving into Derby.
Our ticket was examined on departure from Derby and I couldn’t understand how I could be so coherent in speaking with the employee examining the tickets. My conclusion was that water I had just drunk - from the wash-basin supply in the Gents at Derby station - must contain stimulant drugs. Wanting to make objection, and still angry over the whole business, I decided to get off at Burton and try tapwater from there instead. This we did, arriving at Burton slightly behind the time on the timetable which says 2137.
The next train from Burton to Birmingham was the 2219 (as Dawn found out by asking the train despatcher at Burton, and I then was able to find on the timetable I had been granted at Derby that is the Nottingham - Cardiff timetable) and we got on that. We arrived at New Street therefore around 11 pm. On the train approaching Birmingham I determined we would miss the last train to Stourbridge so decided we’d better go to Wolverhampton (using our off-peak travel passes covering the West Midlands) and pay out for a taxi.
This we did, my interest (coming close to suspicion) being raised by the Crewe train we got on at New Street stopping at all stations to Wolverhampton including Coseley (given that many stopping services no longer do stop at Coseley which is served mainly by Virgin trains from - and presumably going the other way, to - [somewhere north] which stop after Wolverhampton on the southward trip only at Coseley and Birmingham New Street).
Having put it like that, I find it just about believable that these Virgin trains might stop differently on the northward trip. I shall fetch the timetable.
18/07/08 07:09
My understanding of this question of trains which stop at Coseley and not otherwise between Wolverhampton and Birmingham (a different state of affairs from years gone by) is entirely flawed. They are not Virgin trains (as one should anticipate given that Coseley is a minor station only and may have only a short platform in all probability) but are London Midland trains. Some of them do still stop at all stations, but the stopping arrangements are complex, some trains stopping at Coseley only and others at all stations other than Coseley, and a few omitting Sandwell and Dudley. Some of the services convey First Class accommodation.
My presumption is that these unnecessarily complex arrangements are in place as part of The Experiment. The waste of my time caused by The Experiment is exacerbated by travelling by train - given that trains are often re-scheduled or otherwise do not run to time - when timetabling of trains is complex anyway and (I believe) made more so, unnecessarily, by The Experiment.
The basis of what I had been saying was the rapid and unexpected fluctuation in my condition of mind - my ‘activation level’ - last night on the southward journey. My guess is that this resulted from having a mixture of ASM and stimulants in my metabolism, meaning that the fluctuation from ‘software’ influences was much greater than it would ordinarily be (for example from coming out of a stuffy train into the cool fresh evening air).
18/07/08 08:41
I am on my second cup of coffee of the morning. I seem to be suffering some nasal dilatation (as it may be) and some headache. My guess had been that these were effects residual from yesterday’s drugging but as they are worsening, and particularly as the headache is getting noticeable, I fear there may be drugs in the coffee granules or the water I am using. Suspicion falls more on the granules as they were bought at a Morrisons recently when my randomisation was insufficient and in particular when it could be assumed we would shop at Morrisons if anywhere. This way suspicion is confirmed by the almost certain presence in milk bought from the Morrisons in question at the same time (most likely it was the Morrisons in Wellington, Shropshire when it is fairly certain we were led that day to Shropshire - specifically Shrewsbury - by hypnosis, as I say without proper randomisation) of stimulant drugs, causing the waste of about half of a 6 pt bottle (and now the waste of more than half a 100g jar of Morrisons own-brand ‘Full Roast’ coffee granules: although thinking about it I could I suppose return it with the former complaint, that is the complaint pursued more last month and the month before, and hope for my money back).
I was about to eat cheese and toast, but reflecting on that, the cheese and the bread most likely were bought at the said Morrisons, so they can now go over the fence.
19/07/08 22:34 [Saturday]
We went shopping at Merry Hill catching the 18:50 bus from home (or certainly, nearby). We got back about 8.45 pm and I felt enthused to continue my security work at the back of the house, given that recently (yesterday in Birmingham I believe, in fact) I bought two more of the Velleman USB boards which seem to be - the first one tried, anyway (one bought a while ago) - a great success. My eyes became tired and at the time I had one of the many safes we now own open, I wondered if I might suffer hypnosis as I theorised I might have on one or two similar recent occasions on returning home in the evening. (The purpose this time, I thought, might be to obtain the combination-numbers for my safes.) My first guess was that my inattention - the sleepiness or near - had been caused by drugs in a cup of tea I had just drunk (or rather, in the water used for it, bought at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill this evening), but when Dawn said she too had similar symptoms and then declared she had not yet started her cup of tea, I realised the drugs were in drinks we had (both of us, and if not drinks then ice-cream) at the Pizza Hut near the bus station at Merry Hill.
My conclusion now is that I was indeed taken advantage of at that time, when at least one of the safes was open, and also the front and back doors were wide. Part of the evidence convincing me is to be found in the Velleman data, inconsistent in the file USBExperimentFile(19-Jul-08A).txt in an exactly similar way to the other day. Other than that I am convinced because the date I wrote on the foods we bought this evening was correct for the butter I was just putting into the safe when the presumed ‘incident’ occurred, but for everything thereafter - until about half-an-hour ago something alerted me I might be in a mistake and I checked with Dawn - I had put 18-Jul-08 (now altered to 19-Jul-08, as I say). Hence the drug (presumably it was not simply hypnotic suggestion with no drugs) which put me ‘under’ confused me for a short while as regards the date. Something related to that confusion of mind must be what told me through introspection - or powerfully suggested to me - immediately after the ‘incident’, that I had in fact suffered hypnosis around that time.
I would do well therefore to generate new combination-numbers for my safes, and distrust food and drink presently in them especially the safe known to have been open when the ‘incident’ occurred.
On recent experience, further advantage-taking will be attempted tonight - eg there may well now be drugs in the Sara Lee gateau I am about to eat, even though probably at the time of purchase (Sainsbury’s Merry Hill again) there perhaps were not. Tomorrow Sunday is the day of the week actors can best be employed for The Experiment as otherwise shopping centres (eg Walsall town centre on a recent Sunday) should be deserted.
19/07/08 23:05
Possibly connected with the hypnosis I have suffered - at first sight one might put it down to drugs, and particularly drugs with a stimulant side to their action - is the fact that I am shouting words to Dawn unnecessarily loudly (although not as much as sometimes I do). It may be that this ‘symptom’ is not in fact caused by drugs but, rather, is consequent on the hypnotisers’ request that I speak up audibly (eg for listening microphones or listening agents). The fact that I am dismantling - or actually, removing to be improved and reinstated - my devices of detection in the bay window of our bedroom is almost certainly - in fact 99.9%, as they say - blameable on hypnotisers’ suggestion aimed at enabling wholescale hypnosis overnight tonight. Because I have so much redundancy now - eg several Olympus devices to do work which but for ‘attrition’ due to ‘enemy action’ could be done by one - I can readily put in place as a temporary (battery-operated) measure other detection devices replacing those removed.
20/07/08 05:12 [Sunday]
Two or three minutes ago I had started up my Rich Text Editor - having restarted this DIXONSXP desktop and got the partition2 Vista going in place of the partition1 XP which had been running overnight - and pressed F6 to call up any diary entry from earlier today in order to add to it. This is a thing I do without really thinking, although in this case my presumption was that nothing would come up (except a message saying there was nothing) because I have just a few minutes ago got up and had (I believed) thus far made no diary entry for today Sunday.
Let me say my mind is somewhat confused, and the reason must be the continuing effects of drugs taken in yesterday evening, most likely (I concluded) in drinks bought at the Pizza Hut near the bus station at Merry Hill. I have this minute (between the previous paragraph and this one) gone out to the kitchen to fetch a mug of hot chocolate I had prepared a few minutes previously. I found myself to have slight surprise that the mug of hot chocolate was not next to me where I am sitting typing at the DIXONSXP keyboard. I recall now that I left it in the kitchen because my vague intention had been to spend time in the utility room (reached from the kitchen) trying to find the combination-number for the safe out there, presently unavailable to me due to confusion several days ago. I had left the door between the kitchen and the ute room ajar as I left the hot chocolate there in the kitchen, my ‘intention’ evidently altered when I bethought me it would be an idea to write a brief diary entry this sequence of activity then bogging me down - as it is now continuing to do - because of the surprise when I found a diary entry did come up when I pressed F6. I have now shut and bolted the door between the kitchen and the ute room - on the basis that should I go further in my opening of doors, that is out onto the back garden, I might well suffer hypnosis as I seem to have suffered on similar occasions in the past. I have brought the hot chocolate back with me to the DIXONSXP in the living room.
This diary entry had the intention (so far as there was any settled intention) to deal with the question of whether and what nature of hypnosis I suffer, from time to time. I had a few recording devices running overnight, and the duration of periods of non-silence recorded on them varied but was around three minutes for each. Most of them I stopped and restarted on getting up (say 5 am, but whether just before 5 am or just after, my memory is unclear about) and downloading the audio will show the time this was done. My guess would be that some sort of ‘hypnotic voicing’ - possibly recorded on these devices overnight this past night, or on some of them - encourages me now to give information on the mechanisms I have in place for this style of detection (that is, of ‘hypnotic voicing’ and especially covering the night hours when we are asleep). The Amilo Pro computer has been in detention in Nottinghamshire for a number of weeks, and I was asking myself (sometime yesterday) whether ‘the Authorities’ - who seem a miserable lot of non-technical people - had been able to recruit people with computer expertise to unravel my VB progs and specifically the security progs such as the encryption prog. My conclusion is that most likely access to the computer was not authorised (this a surprise since access to our stored water evidently was authorised in order to contaminate it to cause us a ‘stomach bug’ a week or two back, unless of course ‘the Authorities’ pay little heed to legal niceties and do whatever seems to themselves appropriate).
In the past it probably was the case that ‘the Authorities’ did not trouble particularly to abide by the law, for example in housebreaking in Worksop in order to smash the computer I then owned in the process of stealing its hard drive. (Also some expensive items I owned - a digital camera and one or more memory cards, for example - went missing while I was detained in Bassetlaw Hospital at the end of 2005 and was confused in mind and memory by drugs compelled on me; and going back to the 1970s my belief amounting almost to certainty is that cash sent to me by my relatives for my birthday was stolen by people authorised in those days - at the start of ‘the Experiment’ - to interfere with my mail.) Nowadays I suspect though there is better overseeing of the Experimenters, and they - and their overseers - find themselves in embarrassment over having come close to defrauding Microsoft Corporation in supplying fake copies of Microsoft websites, at the time just before the better procedures of overseeing (what I have called ‘checks and balances’) were in place.
What I am saying then is that probably no legal authorisation has been given for intrusion into my Amilo Pro computer detained in Nottinghamshire, and probably no intrusion has been perpetrated. My presumption is that legal authorisation was given for ‘illicit entry’ on the recent occasion to contaminate water we had in store - taken to be river water although not all that which was contaminated was river water, in fact - the excuse being that it would be a Good Thing to discourage us from drinking river water through causing the contaminated water to give us a ‘stomach bug’. Whoever signs these authorisations - for the recent ‘illicit entry’ and for my detention for two months and Dawn’s detention for one month in hospital in Nottinghamshire at the end of 2005, and it is presumably a Minister of State in the present Socialist Government - is not sufficiently thoughtful what consequences there might be. My recommendation to him or her would be to get better advisers.
So my best-guess working hypothesis at the moment is that otherwise illegal physical procedures such as housebreaking are nowadays not ordinarily authorised (although trespass was on the recent occasion to discourage the drinking of river water thereby causing us - the hope was - to rely more on the tapwater provided by South Staffs who are still close to being agents of the State) and the permitted way for information to be gleaned (or the attempt made) is to drug us - me in particular - with drugs causing confusion of mind (but not so much nowadays antischizophrenic drugs, given my abomination of them) and then try to inveigle me into giving the information in a way which might just about be presented, semi-convincingly, as by my own choice.
20/07/08 06:13
Hypnotising voicers on a recent occasion asked me (almost certainly) what I expected to follow as a consequence of my informing Microsoft Business Solutions (of Microsoft Campus - Thames Valley Park - Reading - Berkshire RG6 1WG, this address validated by a counter clerk at Merry Hill post office yesterday as staff at Wolverhampton post office recently could not manage to do even after I advised them - a female staff-member - of the spelling of Campus), as representatives of Microsoft Corporation, of the sullying of the name Microsoft by the provision via Virgin Media internet connections of counterfeits of Microsoft websites. My guess is that simple minds hoped to alter the environment (in my phraseology) to fake up a suitable set of consequences (sparing no expense, that is the British taxpayer footing the bill, as he foots the bill - this is now my conclusion - to pay armies of motorists to drive round Kingswinford forming unnatural traffic hold-ups: or certainly this was the case up to say a month back).
The answer is the consequence I expect to follow - should I manage to alert Microsoft Business Solutions or otherwise Microsoft Corporation - is an almighty row.
20/07/08 07:22
I have drunk a mouthful of Shloer, bought yesterday at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill. Now I notice a slight headache, although possibly this is more to do with moving about and thereby increasing the ‘processing cost’, given that drugs from yesterday are still in my metabolism.
Earlier as I implied I drank a mug of hot chocolate using both powder (Sainsbury’s own-brand instant) and water (Sainsbury’s own-brand Caledonian) bought yesterday at Merry Hill.
Stimulant drugs which lately we have been foisted without any (or without much) counteractive ASM have a very noticeable effect of producing tinnitus. Dawn notices it in herself when I draw it to her attention - that is, ask her based on my own experience on taking these drugs in food or drink she also has taken - and for myself I can say it seems almost instantly a notifier that I have taken in these drugs.
I am eating Jacobs Cheddars.
20/07/08 07:28
Reflecting on the time it must take drugs to get into the metabolism, I would think in fact the drugs now producing the tinnitus must be in the Sainsbury’s Caledonian water or (but this less likely) the Sainsbury’s instant hot chocolate powder.
The swine are very insistent with this drugging of water; one must drink water, and the swine contaminate pure river water given from God (using his influence with the Welsh mountains).
Christian books I have read in recent years have not capitalised pronouns for the deity as formerly was the practice.
20/07/08 07:37
On the bright side: from the fact that all families genuinely living up here have had to be evacuated to enable the contamination of the water supply from South Staffs, I conclude things will be much easier when they return from their holidays. (In other words the supply to our bungalow is not separated off in some way, as I was previously presuming.)
20/07/08 09:12
Looking at the stuff almost ready to be put up to update my website diary for July (this month), the striking thing is the quantity of detailed information (for example in my notes made when on Neighbourhood Watch duty). How drugs suppliers can have missed the effect of their dopamine-blocking products on this ability to ‘process’ information in detail I cannot say (although it surely is something related to the profitability for these companies - although not for the economy at large - in blocking dopamine). I can’t believe all psychiatrists - absolutely all - are at the ESN level literally of morons, so I conclude a lot of them are subject to free lunches. (According to my Collins dictionary the term ESN is no longer in use, although my Dad - he was a college lecturer - used to use it, being a bit retrograde perhaps.)
21/07/08 04:54 [Monday]
The argument of the perpetrators - which surely anyone independent can see is powerfully motivated by their desire for continued employment and for mistakes of the past to remain hidden - seems to be that it is my own responsibility that I am too trusting, and I should learn to test advice better using my own resources (this including ‘advice’ given when I am in a hypnotic trance and listening when I have not consented to). Regarding the last: often my solution to my too-great distractibility - as I would term it - down avenues of other people’s choosing would be to avoid other people and thereby save myself going down their routes which for me are wrong routes. I strive to do this for the case of hypnotising ‘advice’ thrust on me by physically detecting (and thereby, I hope, deterring) the speaking of ‘advice’ to me in my sleep or in any sort of trance. Of course this costs me in money, time and effort, and it is an unusual cost for someone in British society to have to bear; that is, I am singled out with the result that this extra burden of cost is put on me.
Furthermore, because I have seemingly an unusual response to certain drugs - that is I find being administered (or tricked into taking through foods or drinks) antidopamine drugs to be torturous - but nevertheless these drugs have been thrust on me, by compulsion and as I say trickery, I have powerfully distractive motivation to strive - at enormous cost in money, time and effort - to physically evade being given drugs. In the past I have seen little point in striving, because I have whenever I have had success in evasion then been physically compelled (with what I think of as assault). But now, the way things seem, compulsion seems to be unlikely, and therefore I do see point to striving to physically evade the supply of these drugs, even though it costs me so much (in money, time and effort) given the forces ranged against me. State funding is provided to persuade supermarkets to supply drugs in foodstuffs for sale on their shelves, and to persuade cafés and restaurants to supply me drugged meals. More in the past than now, my inability to evade such torture has motivated a kow-towing attitude to what the people seemingly controlling the drugging have seemed to want of me (that is, I have presumed those giving advice through hypnotism have been in control of the drugging).
Going back to taking or rejecting the ‘advice’ offered through hypnotism (basically that is what it is): if I do try to follow my own course, then in cases where the course involves interaction with other people, often - more often than is natural - I have no success. My efforts to set up a website anthonydewarmondlivesat36abittellroad.org.uk have been stymied, and I have no doubt it is because the hosts 123-reg have been ‘got at’ by the State-backed enterprise I call the Authorities. In more sanguine moments I imagine the reason for stymieing my efforts to point up Armond’s failings is so as not to prejudice potential jurors when he is brought to justice, but this morning I feel the reason more likely is that his embarrassment might create difficulty for the present-day Experimenters, his successors.
What I am saying is that in many fields - but not so much these days in the field of using my computers at home, given that my expertise is a match for bought-in expertise the Authorities care to spend out on - there is little point trying to follow any line decided by myself because it results merely in stymieing and possibly frustration (the frustration being greater sometimes due to drugs foisted). Hence sometimes - one could say out of boredom with the limited things I am ‘allowed’ to do by my own choice - I follow the Authorities’ advice, eg to go to certain places on trips. This is possible in that I have not yet perfected the detection of hypnotising ‘advice’.
21/07/08 08:31
I am trying some toast - using bread and Stork marg which we used yesterday for the sandwiches we took with us when we went to Gloucester - and Silver Shred marmalade (the responsibility of James Robertson & Sons Limited whose address is uncertain). The Silver Shred was almost certainly bought on the same occasion as the Stork, and the Stork is marked (in a mix of hands seemingly Dawn’s and my own) Sains Merry Hill 19 July.
The very fact that I can give details so lucidly, and maintain sufficient coherent motivation to do so - to want to do so (or will to do so) - tells me that if there is any dosage of dopamine-blocking drug in me it is very small. I was going to make a diary entry earlier to this effect, saying that my mind seemed to be clearing of fuddlement due to dopamine-blocking of seemingly long duration (weeks perhaps) but my estimate of the duration most likely distorted by the effects of the drugs themselves, but I got sidetracked by the vital need to obtain access to my ‘ultimate’ reserve of water in a safe whose combination-number is currently not available.
What one takes to be the case - to be ‘real’ round about one - is a mixture of almost certain perceptions plus hypotheses of greater, or less, confidence through which one constructs an understanding of the world. What one takes to be ‘real’ is that on which one bases one’s output, that is one’s ‘responses’. Persons in a schizophrenic condition - including myself from time to time given certain combinations of drugs - often cannot form accurate hypotheses in real-time, so we have to work with hypotheses in a flux of development, discardment and re-formation. The natural desire in such a case - because one knows one’s hypotheses are uncertain, which means one feels unconfidence in them, and this is very often borne out my later events proving predictions founded in the uncertain hypotheses were mistaken predictions - is to go (to flee) to a quieter place (where the processing requirement is less, to use my terminology). This explains my disinclination when subject to drugs which reduce my processing capacity (and thereby simulate to a degree schizophrenia) to engage in any activity in the real word, and in particular to communicate much with people.
People liable to difficult levels of schizophrenia have an even worse time in that - because the over-responsivity of dopamine transmission in their nervous system (I think this is the explanation) occurs at a level close to the physical (rather than only in processing for ‘higher [that is, more abstract] thought’) - their perceptual processes (and not just higher levels of understanding) have difficulty forming hypotheses (or what at the higher level we could describe thus) so that pattern-recognition close to the physical is frequently in error. That is (of course) hallucination.
Let me say that while I am making indicative statements here (grammatically) and actually sounding as if I have God-given or otherwise certain knowledge, my statements are merely hypotheses - that is the collection of assertions makes up a theory. However I think they are most likely correct hypotheses making up an accurate theory. (From what I gather modern science in general - as regards relativity and quantum theory for example - always holds in mind the possibility of error and supersession of the current theories with new improved theories.)
In my personal circumstances what seems to me to happening is the continuation of foisting antischizophrenic drugs, but at a much reduced dosage level. I say this based on my anger yesterday evening on returning to Stourbridge Junction at effects I took to be (and still believe were) effects of an antischizophrenic drug probably reserpine, almost certainly foisted in a meal bought at McDonalds in Cherry Street Birmingham (two meals actually: one for Dawn and one for myself) these effects however passing off rapidly (especially given the considerable reduction in the ‘processing requirement’ when I got home, after a taxi ride). I thought at the time that on arriving home I had perhaps taken in some counteractive stimulant drug (say in a cup of tea we had) but my conclusion now - reflecting also on events which I have been through his morning, that is internal events following much the same sequence of effects presumed to be of antischizophrenic drugs (presumed to be from water from a bottle bought on the train south last Thursday, and almost certainly genuinely due to an antichizophrenic drug however I took it in) which however were of short duration - is that The Experiment has developed a desire to ascertain the effect on me of antidopamine drugs without counteractive stimulant. Further evidence for this is to be found in the continuing stiffness of my bowels, close to what could be called constipation, which indicates - the unchanging nature of it from day to day, for one thing - that it is due to drugs but they are not the former mixture with stimulants which stimulated amongst everything else, the gut.
I would guess that this hope to understand the effect on me of antidopamine drugs (from first-hand reports instead of in theoretical terms) has been engaged since last September at least (when we visited family in High Wycombe and people round about, such as shop assistants, seemed on edge which I took to mean they were aware of my anger and potential explosiveness) but then I deleted a lot of diary material because I objected to being given these drugs without my consent and without apparent payment. The fact that in recent days I have felt the same urge to delete material but it has been only a short-lived urge confirms that I am being given these drugs when my measures of evasion falter but only at a much lower dosage.
I have read in books that drugs such as chlorpromazine bring on rare occasions the adverse reaction of agitation and anger or even violence, and my guess must be that people who react to such drugs thus have the same brain structure as myself (in terms of the relationship between dependence on links from the frontal brain - organising links which unfortunately antidopamine drugs block - and the high almost chaotic level of dopamine activity in the middle or lower brain). I must advise that unless drugs can be developed which assist - if it is necessary - reduction of dopamine turnover in the middle and lower brain without interfering with the control links from the frontal brain, people who show this adverse reaction should not be given dopamine-blocking drugs. The failure of prescribers in my past to understand such matters has contributed to the ridiculous waste of years of my life from unnecessary - especially given the high dosages - administration of dopamine-blocking drugs.
What I feel angry about when given these drugs are the unnecessary difficulties introduced into my ‘processing’ to cope with life. When I was a kid and into adolescence it’s true I was not good at ‘processing’ for face-to-face conversation, for example, but I felt no anger then (and nor do ‘schizoid’ adults like Dawn) because it was in my nature. But since then to be administered drugs which unnecessarily make for continuing difficulties, even though of the type I faced as an adolescent and as a child from my nature, seems harsh and absurd, especially given that (before I was subdued) I made statements that I did not want the drugs and did not consent to them. The law should have protected me, and in a less unusual case it might well have done so. But in my case I was foisted the drugs by people who thought they knew the drugs did me no hurt and were negligent in enquiring into the basis of my complaints.
21/07/08 10:03
In association with recent drugs having worn off (this is surely the explanation) I no longer suspect the reason abhorrent drugs are foisted is for simple-minded purposes (a mere continuance of preceding practices, say) nor for improper purposes (investigation of schizophrenia without the consent of me the subject), but rather once again revert to the presumption that an investigation - the ‘Board of Enquiry’ - is underway to find out the nature of the difficulties I have been caused by the drugs foisted, and why the drugging was continued, and who is responsible and to what degree.
To answer what difficulty the drugs caused me - and cause me if given afresh - is easy: the difficulties are the same I faced as a ‘schizoid’ teenager and as other ‘schizoid’ people of various ages face. That is, presented with the need to think on one’s feet it is very easy - with an insufficient ‘processing requirement’ for the context - to become covered in confusion and often embarrassment. If this state arises, one’s ability to ‘process’ goes to pieces and until recovery nothing more can be got done. (Advice from counsellors with conventional training such as to put on a brave face or a stern exterior or any sort of false-self is in my view worse than useless, except perhaps in special circumstances of a short-lasting nature, say a job interview.)
21/07/08 10:21
I see it may not be clear what was in my mind towards the start of the 08:31 entry when I was speaking of what one takes to be ‘real’ being partly created out of one’s imagined hypotheses (imagined and then tested against sensory inputs or for consistency with other things known ‘for certain’ to be real). What I meant was that sometimes what I think I read in the faces of people about me - and specifically, fellow travellers who are ‘agents of the Authorities’ - is born out of what is in my mind at the time, that is my expectation what ‘the Authorities’ might feel at the time about things including my own behaviour. If I am debilitated with antischizophrenic drugs these theories I have what lies behind the expression on people’s faces are less accurate, on average.
23/07/08 04:42 [Wednesday]
Yesterday most of the day I was under the influence of antischizophrenic drugs which as far as I can make out I ingested from a can of Heinz tomato soup I ate around 8 am for breakfast, before Dawn got up. The effect of this ingestion was to make me less competent while the drugs were acting on me, and moreover as part of this to make me more suspicious, that is more inclined to attach blame to ‘the Authorities’ for things which went wrong. The effect on me of antidopamine drugs genuinely is to make me more schizophrenic with a paranoid component, the paranoia fixing on ‘the Authorities’ that is those who (certainly in the past) have spoken with me when I was in some sort of drug-induced trance, and who (seemingly continuing into the present) give me drugs by surreptitious routes.
Whether the speaking to me when I am in a drug-induced trance continues nowadays I cannot be sure: I have no hard evidence that I am spoken to in the night hours while I am asleep, despite making a lot of audio recordings. If I am spoken to in such a way - in my view taking advantage of me by putting things in my mind when I am not properly alert to assess them - it is nowadays rarely. However as I have explained, the effect of antischizophrenic drugs on me is to reduce my acuity and to bring back fear I have of things I have suffered in the past (detention against my will, and drugging by compulsion at much higher dosages than I suffer lately through surreptitious administration), and because I lack acuity I develop simple hypotheses to explain what is going on, and such simple-minded hypothesising does not help to reduce my fear.
The Heinz tomato soup in question was seemingly from a batch bought at Sainsbury’s Blackheath on Tuesday 1 July 2008, but considering the near certainty that someone has entered our bungalow since then illicitly, the soup may have been substituted since purchase. I have chucked all other cans of soup seemingly from the batch bought on that occasion, this a cost to me which at first sight one would have to blame on the folly of the people putting these drugs in, in not understanding adequately the difficulty (and, indeed, hurt) they cause me. (However, sometimes I think more hopefully that the drugs nowadays are put in - although in a way similar to the surreptitious ways of the past - for a more sensible purpose, that of determining what difficulty and hurt I am caused. The implication of this is - if it is a correct hypothesis - that I will not much longer be foisted noisome drugs. Support for this hypothesis comes from the extraordinary and costly lengths gone to nowadays - or recently, certainly - to get these drugs into me; and also cheering is the simple observation that the dosages I am foisted have considerably declined.)
Yesterday later on I was reflecting that most likely the perpetrators - until recently, certainly - did not understand that antischizophrenic drugs actually make me more schizophrenic. I put a suggestion to this effect on my website - more than once - but whether the perpetrators used to read my website I cannot tell, and if they did most likely they understood little of what they read. At first sight it would come as a surprise to anyone that antischizophrenic drugs might exacerbate schizophrenia, but I cannot help feeling the perpetrators were negligent in not properly assessing the effects of drugs - known to be powerful drugs, even though the effects and mode of action are not entirely understood - given surreptitiously and in such a way that the dosage in me at any time was an unknown quantity.
I was reflecting that lately I have been given drugs surreptitiously without the stimulant component formerly admixed (with the idea, I imagine - the admixture - of countering reduction in activity level - and drowsiness sometimes amounting to hours of daytime sleep - caused by the primary antischizophrenic drug). I take it the reason for this is to distinguish which effects are blameable on the antischizophrenic drugs on their own. Of course there is considerable difficulty in making observations from the very fact of my activity level being reduced close to zero by antidopamine drugs. Thankfully the implication of this is that antischizophrenic drugs without a stimulant admixed must be applied in very low dosages only; but anyway the result has been to show up - hopefully in evidence available to assessors in the present day who can determine that I should not continue to be given antischizophrenic drugs - the entire lack of sense in giving me such drugs which indeed are counterproductive from any sensible point of view.
I regret the fact that Dawn, ‘caught in the cross-fire’ as I put it, suffers drug effects which are not any use to her and sometimes are most unpleasant, in this phase - hopefully the final phase - of ‘The Experiment’.
23/07/08 07:28
On the DIXONSXP I have just had a Printer Communication System failure, for a printer not some distance away linked through a series of USB cables but right next to the computer. It is however plugged into one of the USB ports at the rear of the DIXONSXP tower unit. I have had various suspicions why these USB-connected devices might fail so frequently, and at times have suspected deliberate interference by wireless means, the DIXONSXP possibly having been specially constructed to be sold to me. I was certainly in a ‘suggestible’ condition the morning of the day it was bought (Thursday 3 April 2008). The system supplied with it was defective in the a recovery DVD I made from it (using software from ‘the Tech Guys’) will not work since the hard disc has been wiped (that is, as might happen in more usual circumstances, corrupted). It may be that there is a mixture of hardware corruption and software corruption in the system originally supplied, and unintended results are following from my installation of an independently acquired Vista OS.
Thinking of unintended consequences, from interfering with the natural - the tried and tested - way the world works, and at the same time about whether the present-day Experimenters have proper supervision this possibly amounting (and I hope it does) to oversight by a legally constituted board which surely if it exists must be finding that I have suffered dreadful debilitation over the years from the negligence of The Experiment: when The Experiment recently trespassed into our home and contaminated water we had stored in bottles, some of the water which thereafter gave us diarrhoea and a ‘stomach bug’ was not river water although almost certainly the intention had been to contaminate specifically river water to suggest to us no longer to drink it. I do not believe the perpetrators took it on themselves to trespass and poison our water in that way. I believe the intrusion must have been authorised by special legislation or more likely by an authorised signatory, that is either (because of our special circumstances) a Minister of State or otherwise a Justice of the Peace. That person is in the position I am terming ‘overseer’ and unless the facts are hidden from him or her, he or she must now understand the sorts of mistaken consequences which can follow. Any signatory in any future such case surely must be informed of the sorts of consequences which sometimes follow, and this I suppose constitutes something of the independent overseeing, the checks and balances, which I hope will protect us from foolish actions taken by foolish people (on the psychiatric side).
23/07/08 10:26
As the antischizophrenic drugs in the water - the Evian I was drinking yesterday for example - wear off, and my thinking (and my bowels) clear, I can see that the reason for disinclining me to drink river water - or certainly to have any in stock - was so that this week (hopefully only for a week) I should be unevadably drinking ASM-ridden drink, with the possibility that (as I have claimed in the past) I become demotivated and cease to strive even to avoid these objectionable drugs. Well, yesterday we were not exactly demotivated but certainly stilled, and remained home. (I no longer think the reason is to save The Experiment the wages of agents for a break, nor so that it can recruit its resources and think up what to do next. The reason is to try to ascertain what effects ASM has on me, and the cost involved includes the cost of sending all the genuine families in the street on holiday. If the cost is so much as to include pumping ASM continuously into the water supply - a supposition I do not feel willing to test for myself - then I am very happy to think the end of the interference in my life must be near, since such a scheme cannot continue for long.)
The difficulty for me now today, in wanting to go off somewhere and procure nice clean water from a randomly chosen swimming baths, and quite possibly from the river, is that Dawn is knocked out, possibly having intemperately drunk something she shouldn’t have and possibly even tapwater.
23/07/08 10:40
In fact most suspicion must fall on the Werther’s Original Butter Mints Dawn chose somewhere recently.
Regarding the USB-connected difficulty, as I say now thinking more clearly, the most likely explanation is that the second computer inside the DIXONSXP case occasionally interferes with transfers by trying itself to copy what is being transferred. Presumably at the end of the week (only a week, or less, I hope) some endeavour will be made to get information off the second computer. This may even involve housebreaking (depending on when and how the interference in my life is going to come to an end). It seems doubtful if there is in fact a wireless link to and from the DIXONSXP. Of course a month ago on my return from ‘holiday’ I was persuaded to connect the DIXONSXP to the internet.
24/07/08 03:48 [Thursday]
What I am suffering this morning - from antischizophrenic drugs again [but see below, at 08:52], most likely contained in Haribo sweets Dawn chose yesterday and of which I ate a few in the BhS restaurant in Birmingham city centre - is not the same as the schizophrenia, or exacerbation of the schizophrenic tendencies I may naturally have, I have suffered recently. Presumably the antischizophrenic drug affecting me now is different from that affecting me on recent occasions when I have had a paranoid reaction (for example), or is not this morning combined with other drugs as on those recent occasions perhaps the antischizophrenic drug was.
My difficulty this morning is petering out of sequences of thoughts, and inability to think of more than one thing ‘at the same time’ or organise my thinking to shelve one subject of discussion with myself (in my thinking internally) to deal with another, then be sure to return to the first line of thought. When I come to return to the first line of thought (should I attempt this way of organising my thinking, which is the way I would naturally deal with subjects needing to be thought about as I go about my business) I find it has petered out to nothing or nearly nothing. That is, I cannot in attempting to return to it call to mind a satisfactory level of detail in the subject of the thinking I am trying to return to. One could measure such an effect by assessing the complexity of sentence construction from the one suffering the effect, compared to his usual self, in terms of sentences containing nested clauses for example. This brings to mind the fact that given certain drugs - stimulants related to amphetamine, I believe - the sentences I write often contain many levels of nesting, eg parentheses within parentheses. I suspect this tendency - which makes what a person writes who is writing thus difficult to unravel - must depend on having a ‘schizophrenic brain’, or a schizophrenic component in some subsystem in the brain. I say this because Aleister Crowley - without drugs I think - was given to writing sentences of this style, containing parentheses within parentheses and other difficult-to-unravel nested structures. When I was a teenager I believe I was given to it more (without drugs then of course) and my guess would be that with maturation I ceased to write such difficult sentences because a mechanism came into play whereby I assessed what I wrote (as I was writing it, or immediately afterwards for revision) from the reader’s point of view, and (as I say) revised the structure if I assessed it as virtually incomprehensible. This is interesting to me in that at the time this ‘maturation’ was nearing completion - say in my third year at university - in writing in my diary, as I mentioned recently, I was thinking in terms of possible readership, that is I was envisaging someone else reading my diary (possibly years later). This ties in neatly with the notion that around that time, as I was become an adult, I naturally started to revise structures of language based on comprehensibility as best I could assess it from the point of view of potential readers. I had begun to model what was going on in the minds of other people, and to do this to a much more complex degree than say a child learning pronouns needs to. (Children at a certain stage of language development, and autistic children permanently, misuse pronouns because they cannot place themselves in the shoes of the other person, that is for example ‘him’ or ‘her’.)
The petering-out problem I was suffering seems to be correcting itself as I wake up more. This no doubt is what previously I have spoken of as ‘lagging of the seriatim’ in coming to wakefulness when drugs of certain classes have been in my metabolism.
I have a fairly fixed notion that what I am requested to expose now (this week, as I was thinking of it yesterday, given the effort I thought was being put in in getting antischizophrenic drugs unevadably into me, starting say Monday when I was led to buy drugged Evian from Somerfield Stourbridge) is the nature of the debilitation I am caused by dopamine-blocking drugs. It may be that recent voicing while I have been asleep has made such a request of me, or it may have arisen from some development of hypotheses in my mind regarding what is now going on in ‘The Experiment’. Hence what I had in mind in starting to write at 03:48 was that anything I wrote would give this exposition, of the effects of drugs presently in my metabolism. It’s true that in years gone by I have written for my website with this in mind, to expose the problematic effects of drugs foisted on me or compelled on me, and the desired effect of cessation of the foisting has not followed. However, my assessment now is that the words I write - on my website say - are read by people with better understanding. This assessment is based for one thing on permissions they are given, eg to enter our bungalow illicitly and contaminate water thereby causing us diarrhoea and ‘stomach bug’ difficulty. This is a different kettle of fish (I believe) from the intrusion, on the face of it similar, we suffered in August 2005 in Worksop when my computer was smashed and the hard drive stolen. For one thing, given our present geographic location to do such things - and to supply ‘fellow travellers’ - is much more costly for The Experiment than in an out-of-the-way place in Nottinghamshire. I also note a pleasing weakening of scenarios which seem similar otherwise to scenarios in the past in The Experiment. For example yesterday in BhS in Birmingham sequences eventuated which were similar to those in the past - for example we went into the restaurant - but this time I was freer to pursue policies of my own (specifically, I did not eat BhS food in the restaurant: although I did eat a few of the Haribo sweets, seemingly causing me some difficulty since) so I conclude I am much more successfully evading drugs, and therein making it easier to me to continue in future to evade (because through evading, my clarity of thought and firmness of intention are improved).
24/07/08 04:43
Thinking more clearly than sometimes in the past about who is responsible for what I have suffered over the decades and what I am owed in compensation - thinking more clearly because the possibility seems closer that the interference in my life from continuing exactly those practices I am wanting recompense for is coming to an end - clearly the original culprits included Armond. Armond was responsible for wrongly diagnosing schizophrenia in the first place, and it was my first detention in November 1980 which started me down the path of decades of drug administration unevadable because given in the form of long-acting injections. Whoever supplied me amphetamine giving rise to the violent-seeming behaviour triggering and seeming to validate that first detention is responsible also for what followed.
Armond is responsible too for mistaking the import of my statement at the start of 1986 that I had some months previously attempted suicide. I cannot tell if Armond knew I had been given reserpine surreptitiously in the preceding months, but anyway his conclusion from my report of my suicide attempt, that I needed more antischizophrenic drug treatment and more insistent treatment was flawed. He was wrong to hold me on a section year after year from March 1984 on (being compelled to attend the day centre was a contributory factor in the depression leading to my suicide attempt).
The years I was held under compulsion must surely have played a major part in my ceasing to complain or resist, so that after the mid 1980s I barely complained at all, and my attempts to escape consisted in trying from time to time to run away. Now I reflect, there was one period in the mid 1980s when I had not slept in the hospital for a period in excess of six months, and knowing that thereby my section had lapsed I declined to attend the day centre. I was then compelled to go back into hospital to sleep overnight (for how long, I cannot remember: that is whether it was for only one night, or for weeks in which case - if it was weeks - it must have been 1987).
I believe in fact the occasion when I declined to attend the day centre because my section had lapsed must have been an occasion the nurse who admitted me seemed baffled why I had been compelled to come into hospital, as I said I had no symptoms and no difficulties other than caused by the medication and compulsion. I believe it was an occasion I was held in hospital for one weekend, and on discharge had to resume attending the day centre. It was probably shortly before I escaped the day centre and started to do pretend research at Wolverhampton Poly (as it was then).
24/07/08 08:52
This drug affecting me this morning - presumably a continuing effect from yesterday evening when I ate the Haribo sweets, rather than from something I have taken this morning - is not an antischizophrenic drug, but is presumably the drug I was led in 2004 to think of as opium or like opium. Dawn ate many more sweets than I (including her Werther’s Originals, which I suspect must equally contain these drugs) and the drug may also be in the tapwater she takes (perhaps only from time to time in the tapwater: but opium I daresay is quite cheap, certainly compared to antischizophrenic drugs) and is completely knocked out, having slept many hours thus far overnight and she is still in a very heavy sleep. Another effect of this opium drug is to cause fullness of the abdomen with evacuation of the bowels a lot: that is material passes straight through without much digestion in the ordinary way.
Under the influence of this opium drug, I - and other people, including Dawn - become very tired, sooner than ordinarily. The tiredness is a mental tiredness from mental ‘processing’, and myself I find often with a few minutes rest - like a short nap, although not necessarily involving actual sleep at all - I can recover quickly (as I have now after say fifteen minutes rest in bed). When one is excessively tired from the effect of the drug - or first thing in the morning (as I was this morning before the seriatim got going) - the effects may be slightly similar to effects of ASM (on myself), that is I cannot maintain several intricate hypotheses at the same time (due to unsatisfactory mental self-organisation) and this may cause me worry that unpleasant things may happen. On the other hand I do not experience out-and-out paranoia with this drug nor the sometimes violent anger at being deprived unnecessarily of the ability to do with my mind what by nature I could. I am slowed down by becoming tired, but I manage to tie up loose ends before taking rest.
Earlier I was scanning my diary for the end of February 1984 and into the April, covering the period at the start of my second hospitalisation. At the same time I was saving audio data to a DVD, and because DVD-writing on the DIXONSXP failed (for reasons debated in recent days) the extra complexity was involved of transferring the data to the Amilo Pro using a USB memory device. I have not become so disorganised in doing these things that any information has been lost, and I still have the firm intention of publishing my diary pages from the relevant period in 1984 as part of my weblog; I have just been delayed due to unnecessary tiredness.
24/07/08 10:18
Having got into this (my Diary Volume 9, in fact) I find I am interested to firm up the recollections brought back of events around that time, 1984.
6th June 1984. [Wednesday] 19h50.
Today I have been at the day centre and finished yet another mat. I didn’t have the due injection. This I take to be a hopeful sign. I have now been going there for six weeks, and I did think they might reduce my days there, but no word yet. So far this evening I have listened to Tracey Ullman. I think I shall now read an Asterix book. Or perhaps not.
I was not depressed in early June 1984, so at that stage I was not being given reserpine.
8th June 1984. [Friday] 19h26.
Today I have been to the day centre and, after I was interviewed by a psychiatrist representing, I think they said, the Mental Health Act Commission, I was compelled to have an injection (the usual 75 mg of Modecate). This evening I have been lying on the bed reflecting.
9th June 1984. [Saturday] 19h23.
This morning I went with my father to Kford where I filled a prescription for procyclidine and then on to walk along the canal from Kidderminster towards Stourport. This afternoon I lay on the bed feeling frustrated at the unfairness of what has been and is being done to me. This evening I have listened to “Welcome to the Cruise” and my parents have gone as usual on a [Saturday] to the theatre at Bham (but not in that order).
11th June 1984. [Monday] 19h55.
I have not been to the day centre today. My father phoned up to enquire why I had not been collected and they said there was no driver available. This morning I read an Asterix book and this afternoon did nothing but lie on the bed. This evening I have managed to attend to quite a bit of television, from “Blue Peter” to more than half-way through the Channel 4 News.
My guess is that at this stage the Mental Health Act Commission became implicated, as Armond could not continue the scheme on his own (or with his co-perpetrators from the earlier 1980s). The cursory examination I was given on Friday 8 June 1984 evidently confirmed Armond’s allegation that I was schizophrenic, and from then on I was medicated without restraint. But of course the response to my complaints in which I mentioned side-effects (not understanding myself how to say what was unbearable in antidopamine drugs) was to give me reserpine surreptitiously, resulting in my suicidal depression (which I have yet to come to in reading through my diary).
19th June 1984. [Tuesday] 19h24.
Yesterday evening I did ... nothing but lie on the bed, and this is what I have been doing tonight as well. I didn’t even watch “Wildtrack” or the 5:40 pm BBC news this evening. It’s very hot. This morning I went to Dudley with my father and bought three more Asterix books. This afternoon I went for a walk with him along the canal north of Swindon and when I got back read one of the Asterix books.
It seems clear that from this stage reserpine was being put in my coffee, with the result that the dosage was not under any sort of adequate control, and the effects were not monitored properly. I was drinking coffee more and more because there seemed nothing else in life - especially when I was at the day centre - so the reserpine was taking a greater and ever greater hold.
15th July 1984. [Sunday] 17h27.
Last [Tuesday] I went to Kford, Dudley and Wton with my father. He was going to get tickets for us to go to York on a rail trip today, but he forget his aged person’s discount card. (He went on [Wednesday] again and got them. Yesterday afternoon while my parents were at the theatre I went off to Haworth (via Skipton) and came back today, so I didn’t go to York. I presume they have both gone as they are out. I wanted to get out of going to the day centre, as I find it so dreadful, but I had to come back because I couldn’t get enough sleep in the car.)
On [Thursday] I went to the caravan with my father. My mother had been there since [Wednesday]. She came back on [Thursday] after us.
Otherwise the usual stuff: lying on the bed counting my misfortunes; the day centre.
19th July 1984. [Thursday] 20h00.
On [Monday] night I had to stay in the hospital because of what Armond called a technicality in the Mental Health Act. I presume if I were out of hospital for three months my “section” would lapse. Yesterday I got a letter saying the authority for my detention had been renewed for another six months ending on 1mar85. This morning I went to Sbridge and Asda (B. Hill) with my father. This afternoon I lay on the bed and this evening listened to Judie Tzuke and watched “Top of the Pops”. Day centre and lying on the bed since the last entry [of 15th July 1984], otherwise.
My guess is that I was taken into hospital to be interrogated under a truth drug following my attempted absconsion that weekend.
24/07/08 22:15
The second opinion doctor (seemingly from the Mental Health Act Commission) presumably genuinely felt I could be diagnosed as schizophrenic, and the Tribunal later in 1984 came to the same conclusion. A major factor in permitting these erroneous decisions must surely have been the medication. Even if it could not be determined by these second opinions that the medication exacerbated any schizophrenic tendencies I had (as they did not have sufficient information), nevertheless it must be the case that my backwardness in explaining myself caused by the stilling effect of the antischizophrenic drugs did nothing to counter the initial presumption there would have been that Armond’s diagnosis had been correct. Similarly now - or anyway recently - the natural presumption of assessors (trying to determine what it has been I have had to complain so vigorously about - certainly vigorously on my website) would have been that I have not been the subject for thirty years of a complete mis-diagnosis but that I must be essentially schizophrenic and would do better - including better in explaining myself - if maintained on medication. Only by my own efforts - plus of course a decision by the present ‘overseers’, which decision actually is a main plank in the proof that someone independent is overseeing in a correct manner, to permit me to do anything which is not illegal or completely unreasonable - have I struggled to combat the foisting. I hope that by this stage the overseers can understand that I do better without the medication, and of course I have striven to explain the action dopamine-blockade has on my brain functioning.
What I had in mind in starting this diary entry was that sometimes I believe there may be drugs constantly pumped into our water supply and hence into our lawn, wasted. I cannot genuinely believe it is so, that any drugs even cheap ones (as they go) are wasted thus. I can think of two main reasons I sometimes lose sight of the improbability. The first is the action of dopamine-blockade directly on my brain, distorting my capacity to judge between hypotheses and to estimate probabilities. The second is the great horror I have of these drugs when I take them in, this resulting in a willingness to distrust food and drink wholesale.
25/07/08 03:16 [Friday]
I woke up perhaps half an hour ago with my mind active - one could say over-active - running on about something to do with what advantage there is in different conditions of mind, and specifically my condition of mind then this morning as I was waking up, versus yesterday morning as I was waking up (yesterday morning my mind was affected by what I now believe was ASM, and as I wakened the seriatim ‘lagged’, which is the term I had got to using for the condition some months back). I took it that I had been invited by hypnotising voicing to compare and contrast the two conditions available to my notice in close juxtaposition, that is yesterday morning and now today. This morning’s condition is much the preferable, since my mind is active from the very outset. This is not only subjectively more pleasurable but has the advantage I can get stuff done - possibly stuff necessary for survival, in other circumstances - immediately I wake up. Indeed the possible negative aspect of it (my condition of mind this morning) is that I have too much to think about all at once (this of course the fundamental difficulty in schizophrenia, which drugs like those whose effects I was suffering yesterday morning seek to address), and I did ask myself if this morning some mental stimulant might be causing my mind to race more than by nature it would. The reason for the (mild) racing almost certainly was that voices during my sleep had spoken, inviting me to consider matters such as the preferability of this morning’s condition of mind (compared against yesterday’s) and thereby giving me extra to ‘process’ and distracting me from what without interference I should be pleasantly thinking (or dreaming) about. The extra processing this morning includes the question whether nighttime voices have indeed spoken to me thus, and covers such questions as the seeming failure of the motion-detector arrangement for the security light covering our rear garden (so that the light came on at nightfall and has stayed on permanently since then). (The reason for the failing of the motion-detector - if perpetrated deliberately as I suspect it was - would be so that the nighttime voicers could approach the window of our bedroom not in darkness but at least without triggering any change - which I might be able to detect and record, or use to sound an alarm to wake me, for all the perpetrators know, via a wire connection coming down from the security light and its relays under the eaves on our rear wall.)
Two nights ago - that is the night between Tuesday and Wednesday - I had several recording devices covering the bay window in our bedroom, and early morning - 4 am or so - I downloaded the audio from one of them (the device I have numbered 2107). The motivation for downloading it was that I was suspicious of nighttime voicing this suspicion fuelled by differences in the duration of non-silence on the various devices, which I thought might indicate hypnotising voices speaking to Dawn via her mobile phone, during the night as she slept (or was in a condition like sleep: she has been in a heavy sleep the past few mornings, and hasn’t woken till late morning). Listening to a bit of the downloaded audio I was unable to prove the suspicion however.
For yesterday morning there is little audio evidence (but I should download as a priority what there is). It may be that the hypnotising voicing I hypothesise above - to enquire whether the condition of mind I was in yesterday as I woke up (compared now against that today) was any use to me, or advantage - was perpetrated yesterday morning (as well as this morning).
For this morning likewise, there is some audio evidence but it is sparse (but still it would pay me to download it and investigate whether there is any proof, one way or the other, on the question of nighttime voicing).
25/07/08 09:06
I have again suffered such great tiredness that I have had to go back to bed to sleep for (perhaps) half an hour (or perhaps as long as one hour). My guess has to be that the idea behind this is to see how I go on while debilitated by something which slows me - by taking time from me, in the periods when I need unnaturally to sleep - in a somewhat similar way to ASM, but does not affect my mental processing as ASM does. Of course I also have motivation - as with ASM - to evade time being taken from me by drugs which make me sleep unnecessarily (and at hours which are difficult to predict). I have to say I am not especially angered by this sedative drug despite time being taken from me. The reason is that because I know by introspection that my mental processes are not subject to confusion or unnatural error-proneness, I have every confidence I can successfully counter this drugging (and at the same time I am pleased if it is the case that the intention is to help me point up the extraordinary debilitation caused me by ASM). [See below for later effects seemingly from the M + S water.]
When my understanding of matters is interfered with by ASM and I then think in terms of being slowed or time taken from me, I sometimes wonder if the reason is a foolish reason such as to give the ‘Civil Servants’ time to think out what to do, or to procrastinate till the current lot have retired and a new lot (of ‘Civil Servants’ made responsible for sorting out what wrong has been done me) have come to prominence. Occasionally I have believed ‘friends of Armond’ have had a free leash and have sought to convey me back to detention in the recesses of Nottinghamshire without public or indeed adequate governmental awareness (by the latter I mean awareness of a political signatory who is responsible to electors, instead of merely a functionary say in the Department of Health). This latter fear of course has some basis in that the way I have been treated, in being assaulted in Bristol police cells and then conveyed to Nottinghamshire, and in Nottinghamshire given medication by compulsion which practical people there (at Bassetlaw) could see was not warranted, this way I have been treated surely cannot possibly have been condoned by any political person (as I say, responsible to Parliament and to electors) who had been given full knowledge of the facts. Taking the argument further, it seems very likely to me that the ‘whistle has been blown’ on the abuse I have suffered (over decades in fact) by an ordinary worker in psychiatry at Bassetlaw. Dr G I had a very high regard for, including when (as far as I can make out) he took himself off my case, presumably because he understood enough of the truth to know I should not be being medicated as I was, by compulsion.
25/07/08 09:33
Part of the difficulty I face when trying to get things done when drugged as I have been in the past, that is with ASM combined with stimulants, is that the stimulant has given me too great an urge to get things done quickly, in face of the debilitation to my self-organisation from the ASM. That is, I tried to get things over and done with quicker than I was capable of given the ASM. Part of this included the interference with ‘resumable structures’ in my memory. This meant I could not get part of a job done one day and resume it (in a sufficiently leisurely way) the next day or subsequent days. This I found the main interference preventing me writing computer programs of much interest to me, and in particular on subjects I had become interested in in detail around the year 1978 (that is, broadly speaking, ‘pattern recognition’). (I had had an interest in such questions in earlier years, but not in the detail I had become capable of by 1978, when - or certainly, by 1979 - personal computers had become affordable so that I could hope to implement the ideas I had, in working programs, without needing access to say university research labs).
25/07/08 09:50
Allow me to say, too, that one’s assessment - anybody’s - of reality is not simply formed from taking in information from the environment which one then translates into an internal representation of reality: for example rays of light from a chair in the visual field impinge on the retina and are then translated into knowledge there is a chair out front. Particularly in less well understood contexts, a version of hypothesise-and-test is used (otherwise perception of reality would miss a lot, and only an ‘animal’ level of understanding would be available).
Specifically, in regard to my guesses what ‘the Authorities’ might have hypnotised me to do or say (given that in the early morning, especially when affected by drugs which mean I am still half-asleep even though nominally awake, I often do wonder whether I have been hypnotised to do whatever it is I start out doing): these ‘guesses’ are founded in my modelling what ‘the Authorities’ are about, that is why they are in my life at all and what their objectives are (long or short term). There is no doubt at all that there are interferers in my life which in most people’s there are not, because of the undeniable fact that I am drugged surreptitiously, and very odd facts such as the absence (seemingly ‘on holiday’) at a single time of all the families in the street where I live. Also, of course, the insistent pursuit with treatment for schizophrenia - or as-if for schizophrenia - which no other patient in Britain receives, is an odd fact undeniably linking back to my treatment since 1980 (and, from evidence in my diaries, surreptitious drug ‘treatment’ I was given before that).
So I make my guesses what They are in it for, and since 2004 when I met a woman in Bristol central library and a man on a train in the Bristol area who both made certain leading remarks, I have been convinced that They are ‘investigating’ schizophrenia in an ‘Experiment’ which I myself had theorised from the early 1980s. My pretty confident assessment now is that this way forward was thought up after I ran away from Barbara’s oversight in late 2003, and was thought up based on my own ideas from years earlier, about ‘the Experiment’ (a theme taken on also in a song from Kate Bush years earlier, called Experiment IV or something similar). The true requirement these people had - and by my current hypothesis they are allied to the Mental Health Act Commission - was to cover over mistakes in the past - mainly Armond’s mistakes, but validated in June 1984 by a ‘second opinion’ seemingly from the Mental Health Act Commission - and this included quietening my own complaints or rendering them unbelievable. (For example it is very difficult to expect ordinary people to believe foods sold in supermarkets contain drugs, or even that occasionally in special circumstances they contain drugs.)
This morning’s guesses therefore about compare-and-contrast ASM versus a lesser sedative drug do not derive from any audio recording, or any memory or seeming memory of words voiced; they derive from hypothesising what The Experiment might now be on to.
25/07/08 10:38
Almost certainly the present sedative drug is in water seemingly that bought yesterday at Marks and Spencer Walsall. I believe though the water was exchanged after purchase, this requiring the belief that Dawn (probably Dawn at a time I was not with her) was rendered unconscious by hypnosis so that the switch could be made. This is currently my best guess what happened.
These drugs are inconvenient but not particularly hurtful, and obviously we could take any quantity of them without harm, simply sleeping them off. I am pleased to think that to continue to foist these drugs will be a great cost to the foisters - especially if we manage to get about unpredictably - and therefore I feel no urgency to do much about it. A few days ago I countered this possibility I then suspected - switching of foods or drinks after purchase by rendering Dawn or myself asleep (or equivalent) - by locking them in a wheelie case on purchase, with combination padlocks with randomly chosen combinations. To the extent it is not too inconvenient I could try this again.
Perhaps better would be to shop for drink (particularly drink, but food as well) in busy places, and take most of the drink there and then in those busy places.
Returning the water to M + S would be more effort to me than it would be cost to the perpetrators. A possibility would be to give the water to innocent parties, or certainly the water from M + S bottles yet untried (but bought at the same time). Perhaps it would be fairer to inform the police in advance and ask their advice. The advice would probably be to return the product to M + S so to inconvenience M + S I could require them to collect the drugged water from us.
25/07/08 12:46
I give this information to indicate timings: within the past twenty minutes I have begun to feel effects of ASM, and almost certainly they derived from the M + S water I drank from soon after 3 am onwards (perhaps three glasses of it over three or four hours). Initially I thought it might derive from half a glass of water I drank perhaps forty minutes ago, collected (unless it has been substituted) from the wash-basin taps in the toilets on the top floor of The Pavilions. Thinking that, I have chucked the rest of that water but I now regret doing so. Most likely (I now think) that water was sound, and no substitution is effected in the way I was earlier surmising - hypnotising us and so forth - so that water collected from randomly chosen wash-basin taps (in quantity) should be OK, and not be exchanged by hypnotisers on our trip home.
I think it is right to suspect the M + S water since these effects now are very slight (from perhaps a litre drunk) and likewise yesterday I had effects of ASM but exceptionally mild and short-lived, and most likely then too they came from the M + S water I drank (even less of it yesterday than this morning).
26/07/08 07:53 [Saturday]
The current refinements in my theory what has been going on to create the interference in my life - in decades past and rather separately (as I now believe) since 2004 - revolve around the notion that the latterday perpetrators (that is, since 2004) genuinely have not seen anything wrong - unethical - in their procedures. I have said that the drugs I have been given have had something of a ‘truth-drug’ effect, with the result that I have (via my website) revealed details (of my security in particular) which it would have been better not to reveal, given that my intent was to stop being drugged (and ‘hypnotised’ or interviewed with a truth-drug style effect on me). The perpetrators did ask me (as far as I know: that is, these realisations which firm up some months after the event, in respect of what nighttime voicers or those interviewing me when affected by some drug having an effect like a truth-drug have said, I think they are more accurate after the gap of months than they were say the day after the voicing or interviewing took place, or the day I have guessed it has taken place by which latter I mean that sometimes I think I have been ‘hypnotised’ when in fact, that night, I have not) whether it is possible under hypnosis to do something contrary to one’s own advantage (they were taking on my way of looking at human behaviour and human decision-making which implies people act always, if free, to their own advantage as they assess it at the time: I make the plea for those not up to speed with my way of understanding these questions, that advantage can be had by a person through pleasure in helping others). Goodness knows how they interpreted my response - if I gave any in a form they could find to be a response - but they continued nonetheless to interfere using ‘hypnosis’ style voicing or interviewing.
The point is, if one hears words (in a language one understands) those words have an effect, and this is the basis of hypnosis (but also of unhypnotic influence, eg of the sergeant major shouting at recruits, or of political speeches swaying the masses). People who are more sensitive (which comes down to having a high density of synapses on the input side, and to be sensitive to voicing a lot of synapses on the input side where language is processed) are more readily affected by input voicing (as I may term it), that is they are more easily swayed by rhetoric (or, in the less usual case, by hypnosis). My explanation for my own predicament (which I suppose it is as well to spell out) of being too easily swayed by persuasive voiced influence (rhetoric or hypnosis) when I am not myself, that is when the effectiveness of my frontal brain is less because of drugs I have been given (or simply if I am asleep and for whatever reason do not wake up to the voicing), is that the over-sensitivity due to high density of synapses in my middle and lower brain, which on its own would make me schizoid (in the sense of shy and retiring and too easily governed by other people) and liable to schizophrenia, I am saved from when and if my frontal brain is fully active to override and compensate. When I was a boy I did not have a frontal brain functioning in such a way, and I was indeed then shy and retiring and kow-towed too readily. (To add detail: the reason for shyness and retirement is the very fact that coming into contact with his fellow man the schizoid individual gives in too readily to the Other’s influence; there is no way round this but the natural way of social avoidance or the pharmaceutical way of dulling the inputs and living only half a life although that half-life approved by conventional psychiatry because it involves contact with fellow men.)
The upshot is that if I am drugged or in any more natural way spoken to when I am not fully aware (that is, the most likely scenario, when I am sleeping heavily because very tired) I can easily be set off on courses which are not courses I would have chosen for myself had I had full possession of my mental faculties, and in this very genuine sense they are not courses ideally advantageous to me. I have said many times: if I choose a course which seems to turn out erroneous - that is not to my best advantage in the short term - I learn from the error, that is provided my mental faculties especially those required for learning (mainly synapses which are adaptable in the usual way, this adaptability being interfered with by antidopamine drugs particularly) are intact. Being compelled, or led astray with advice to which I accede too readily, is never going to be to my advantage. If I am compelled into prison for mugging, it is not genuinely to my advantage (except regarded from the viewpoint of the high moralist, and high morality in the abstract is not something I go along with because such moralists in former times burned schizophrenics said to be witches) but rather it is for the advantage of Society as a whole. If I am compelled to be treated with antischizophrenic drugs it is never going to be to my advantage (nor in my view to the advantage of anyone even those entirely loony: people should be given information on any advantages there may be in being administered such drugs, and if they are too loony to understand the information send them to a retreat - preferably in some desert region so long as the heat of the sun is not excessive - with a booklet to read, to come back when they see fit) because they prevent me learning from my mistakes (so that I go along with ridiculous schemes of treatment instead of learning techniques of evasion): such drugs have advantages for relatives of those loony (saved the embarrassment of associating with odd behaviour) and for Society at large (neighbours saved embarrassment likewise).
Basically what I am saying then is that those on my case since 2004 have not been entirely immoral but have been foolish and have believed not only that ordinary sorts of treatment in a genuine case of schizophrenia are helpful, but also the story residual from the Armond days, that I am indeed schizophrenic.
Of course going back to the days before 2004 - the Armond years up to around 2001, especially, when he went into retirement - the answer is different. Armond when finding me at university - and almost certainly he was one of the original perpetrators who under the régime of Harold Wilson and then Callaghan were permitted to take liberties with the liberty of ordinary citizens, and confine them without adequate restraint in mental hospitals - did not believe I was schizophrenic with positive symptoms or even liable to become so. He disapproved of my lack of society. Things went from bad to worse when he discovered - amazingly, it was to his surprise - that confining a person who has done no harm and is unlikely ever to do harm in a place said to be a hospital (not even an asylum as it had been in the late Victorian era) does not make them better disposed to their fellow man. To put it succinctly, the man’s a fool. Foutre! C’est un fou. (I am permitted to swear in French if the need is great, and I need the practice for my future life.)
26/07/08 12:19
Drugs have again been acting on me this morning, and rather than believe the effects have resumed yesterday’s having seemingly worn off overnight, I believe the drugs were contained in something I ate or drank this morning. As far as I remember the only things I have taken by mouth this morning are crisps and a can of Foster’s both bought yesterday evening at Asda Merry Hill. The major part of the effects noticeable so far has comprised effects of stimulant drugs which actually I do not find too much of a problem (in Dawn they sometimes act to produce aggressive-seeming frustration and anger though, as they did yesterday on which I phoned South Staffs Water since there seemed nothing else she had taken other than tapwater which could have contained the drugs). I have myself suffered some muscle cramps this morning. Another noticeable effect is elevated libido but that isn’t really a problematic effect.
The Foster’s I bought thinking it certainly would not contain drugs as there were a large number of boxes of lager on sale at Asda and (I thought) surely lots of people would buy this sort of stuff on a Friday. My guess though is that the drugs did come from the Foster’s and not from the crisps.
I have a fixed idea that what is wanted - presumably for the purpose of establishing what I have suffered from the medication I have been compelled to have over the decades (and my assessment - based on more friendly letters from companies whose products I return saying they contain drugs, and on a more sensible attitude from the psychiatric Social Workers we go to see every month - is that it is now accepted that I have suffered and not benefited from the medication) - what is wanted is a description from me of the effects on me of ASM. To this end (I think) I am tricked into taking minute quantities of some antidopamine drug. The drugs acting on me this morning have had a component in the mixture of ASM, the effects of this standing out more as the stimulant wears off. There are physical signs the most prominent of which is nasal congestion. Although I said the stimulant component had encouraged elevated libido, nevertheless the ASM interfered with the physical aspects of sexual arousal. Likewise as regards the effects on digestion, while stimulants promote activity in the gut ASM given at the same time has a counteractive influence with the result one feels (or anyway I feel) fullness of the abdomen, the digested material (it seems to me) collecting upstream and not properly passing through for evacuation while the ASM is still acting on me. (Reflecting on that, it is the same as regards the nasal congestion: after the ASM has entirely worn off a lot of nasal stuffiness clears, sometimes in a short period, and this is accompanied by a feeling of great relief. More generally, after the foisted drugs have entirely worn I feel a sense of relief when my muscle tone returns to normal and once again I feel lithe and limber as without drugs I do by nature.)
26/07/08 13:05
Having had lunch the ASM effects seem markedly worse, and apart from having had so much experience of this sort of thing and thinking out the explanation when I have been able to assess evidence better (that is at times when the dopamine-blocking drugs have not been acting), my first presumption would be that I have taken in more drugs, in the meal for lunch. My interpretation in fact is that the stimulant in the mixture (the mixture presumably contained in the Foster’s) has worn off more and moreover the cost of mental processing associated with lunch - that is, going out onto the patio and eating the meal this bringing up factors such as needing to fetch salt from the kitchen, and factors (however simple they sound) such as coping with the heat or rather the change in temperature and light levels (etc), all of which have to be processed for in case a response is required (if I had become excessively hot, or more realistically if I had needed to move the parasol to avoid direct sun), so that even though such considerations do not form part of conventional psychology nonetheless they should, as people needing to process for such variation - instead of being cooped up in a lab or a prison cell (or a hospital ward) - have these influences on them which in a certain proportion of cases will have an effect on behaviour - the cost of mental processing, I say, has brought to prominence the debilitating effect (on processing capacity) of the ASM in me.
I noted some specifics of things I am, now under the influence, less able to process for, and as a result feel less content with the world: in fact I have been remembering with anger the simple and uninformed urging from Stewart the Bawtry GP at the start of 2007 that I should resume the Risperdal medication, which at the time I half-believed could not possibly be genuine but rather was put on as some sort of show: it seemed absurd that anyone who knew anything (about anything) might genuinely feel I benefited from antischizophrenic medication.
A thought on the brightside has occurred to me: possibly it is not so much that an exposition of what I suffer from antidopamine drugs is wanted (since I have in the past given such expositions at length), as that the desire is to determine if I notice the presumably very small dosage in the can of Foster’s. I do notice it, and because it is such a low dosage I am less fuddled and can see more clearly (and explain better) the problems such drugs cause me.
One thing I noted I was less competent with because of my lowered ‘processing capacity’ was coping with things unexpectedly falling to the floor (a bit of apple crumble I think it was). Ordinarily the resolution of my perceptual processes and my capacity internally to model the world would readily note the falling crumb, and where it had gone to, and shelve for a later time - minutes later or longer than that - coping with it. That is, an almost complete plan what to do about the crumb would appear instantly in my head, ready for implementation (an implementation which might in actuality never come, say if Dawn cleared up the crumb first). In the instance today (several minutes ago now) even though it seems a very trivial concern the fact that I saw that I could not cope as ordinarily I would with this crumb and by extension, with similar difficulties in practical life in the world, caused me what can best be described as dismay. Probably I won’t die if I can’t tidy up crumbs so well, but the difficulty - an unnecessarily intruded difficulty for me - is a token of many other small difficulties, all adding together and moreover in the past much much worse.
The other difficulty I remember noting to myself as caused by the ASM acting on me (and now seemingly wearing off, being such a small dosage I may hope) was in interpreting what Dawn was saying to me sitting on the patio having eating the main part of our lunch. She was talking about a bin for some sort of rubbish, and it was not initially obvious to me what bin she meant. I am absolutely sure that had the ASM not been acting on me I would instantly - even listening with only half an ear - have known she meant the green bin Dudley Council provides us for garden rubbish (we are provided a number of different bins and have provided some for ourselves, and I have to say also sometimes Dawn calls things bins which I myself would not usually call a bin). I remark too that had the dosage of this drug not been as small as it is, my memory in trying to explain this sort of fact - the fact that I could not understand immediately what Dawn was on about - would be so difficult to access in any organised way that I would be unable to explain what I have here explained.
I have become very happy now (26/07/08 13:40) and without doubt it is not only because the ASM has worn off (to all intents and purposes, anyway) but more because I feel confident I understand that only very low dosages are now being foisted, and the reason for the foisting is to evoke explanations such as I have just given. Furthermore I fully expect to benefit from being able to give such explanations, as regards discontinuation of foisting of larger dosages and probably in terms of compensation being assessed too. I am helped in my optimism by the thought that I would not expect to find ASM in those cans of Foster’s - indeed I did not expect it - and the assessors will know that I could not expect it, and moreover I feel pretty sure I was not ‘hypnotised’ or any improper suggestion brought to bear on me to buy the Foster’s. This means the evidence provided is excellent evidence, and I shall strive to get up-to-date with my July diary for presentation on my website (because I don’t really want to put this diary entry out of the regular sequence, say as part of my Blogspot blog: but if it comes to it I will).
26/07/08 14:02
Although it seemed that the ASM had entirely worn off, it comes as no surprise to find I am still suffering some difficulty coping with needing to do several things at once - or certainly hold several things in mind at once - in the short space of time before we hope to catch a bus down to Kingswinford ‘village’ (at 14h16). While it is possible I have taken in more of the drug, because of the correspondence (of the extra noticed debilitation) with needing to process for more things at one time, I think it very unlikely I have.
27/07/08 04:44
I feel resentment that ‘The Experiment’ continues to try to foist drugs on me, and sometimes succeeds. I am not therefore inclined to be co-operative, for example by publishing details in advance of trips I might make. I point to this as evidence that when I become more co-operative when given drugs, it is because of fear of those who have power to torture me in that way.
The way I now look at what has been going on - as regards the interference in my life - is that the perpetrators have been set on, presumably following the assessment in the mid-1980s that it was better I should be kept permanently on stilling antischizophrenic medication, to urge me to move about and do things in the world, and to interfere with events around me supposedly to ease my way. Regrettably the things I want to do (if freed of drugs and unwanted ‘advice’) are not so much things in the world as things in my mind, capable of getting done during say a walk in the countryside. When we went to London recently I could see (I feel sure) that some of our fellow travellers were becoming bored and restless when I was standing about at Great Portland Street tube station waiting for effects of interference to subside so that I could decide what I wanted to do. What I would have wanted to do was explore part of London I am less familiar with, but have visited in my childhood (I mentioned Ealing to Dawn), but Dawn didn’t go for that especially given the time we had wasted consequent on some mix of drugging and hypnosis whose effects (as I say) I had to wait to let subside.
I am hopeful - but this morning I do not say sanguine - that in the current phase the more foolish ‘Experimenters’ have better aware overseers who are capable of understanding that it is unethical to treat someone for mental illness as the mentally ill are treated in Britain, and particularly so when he is (I am) not mentally ill.
Because of the way ‘The Experiment’ forced its way - and continues to force its way - into my life, I have the burden of communicating to the perpetrators that I do not want to communicate with them. And thus far they have been so thick - although of course also blinded by the double-think which comes with wanting continuing employment - that they have not understood this.
27/07/08 06:29
Becoming now more sanguine, it strikes me that to request - as I seem to detect I have been requested - that I carry voice recorders about with me to record information for ‘The Experiment’ as it is now cannot be for the purpose of predicting what choices I make (in order to get there ahead of me, say on a trip to supply stooges or large numbers of motoring motorists as fake symptoms of schizophrenia). It may be - and this is why I feel sanguine - that the evidence is indeed wanted, as I suspect from time to time, for a Board of Enquiry which will find out the truth about treatment of mental patients in Britain and the truth about my treatment in particular. If there is such a Board properly constituted it will find, amongst other things, that I have been treated most improperly and deprived of any reasonable sort of life for decades. Hopefully it will be in the business of awarding compensation and in the business also of punishing the originators of my difficulties (prime suspect among them being Armond).
My guess as to the explanation for my interest here in the past, and my optimism at the same time that the right outcome will be achieved, instead of simply forgetting the matter entirely and getting on with things of interest for the future, is that the focus of my mind this morning is distorted by drugs in the coffee I drank earlier, with the optimism being generated by a component in the drugs of serotonin-elevator (that is, antidepressant).
27/07/08 19:37
In the Lemon Tree buffet [at Wolverhampton] (to use my old-fashioned terminology) waiting for a bus home [after a trip to Liverpool] - only every hour on a Sunday, certainly at this time of day [this was a mistake] - we have eaten a sausage roll each, following desire I expressed earlier today (in Liverpool or on the outward journey northwards) for sausage or sausage roll (and presumably, given what has happened, suggested to me in recent ‘hypnotic’ voicing). Dawn is on the phone to her daughter in Harworth and is able to concentrate on the conversation in spite of the relative commotion round about (the station quite busy, that is). This tells me - as did initially my own sudden access of ‘witty’ talkativeness - that there is a high-level stimulant affecting us (that is amphetamine, and from the sausage rolls because an effect shared by the two of us). Further, beforehand Dawn was sleepy and lethargic having eaten a second packet of crisps bought on Crewe station on the northward trip. I stopped after about five crisps because I detected a sedative effect, which I believe - given the effect on Dawn - must have been due to the drug I think of as opium, whose purpose seems to be to enable more effective hypnosis. As I say, Dawn has suddenly become alert having beforehand been sleepy and lethargic, this constituting further evidence of a powerful stimulant effect. I must say it puzzles me no end that we are given, seemingly randomly, such a miscellany of drugs.
The other point I thought to make was that although I notice - and react negatively to - sedative effects from foods, and quickly, stimulant effects I do not easily notice and not before they have taken hold because I will have eaten or drunk the full quantity by then.
Note added 28/07/08 05:42. My belief now is that agents were watching closely what went on yesterday, and the stimulant was supplied when we arrived at Wolverhampton, in the station buffet, because it was seen that Dawn had eaten almost the full two packets of crisps containing the sedative drug. The stimulant, although a powerful one (amphetamine or similar), was in a very mild dosage, and the only continuing effect on myself overnight and now has been increased muscle tone coming close to causing cramps (even though any sedative affecting myself was negligible). As is often the case, the person suffering most from the foisting not precisely will-he nill-he but almost negligently has been Dawn, because she will not believe that there are drugs in the foods even though I give her excellent advice. The basic point is that to hide powerful drugs in foods is ridiculous.
Watching Dawn’s behaviour on the station at Liverpool when we were trying to determine if the train I thought was the one we wanted back south was in fact that train showed me something about the ‘schizophrenic’ mind, however (and I suppose the point I am making is that Dawn’s behaviour in this respect was not at that stage affected much by the drugs, that is the drugs were a complete irrelevance to understanding the behaviour of a person with a ‘schizophrenic’ mind/brain, as was the supply of stooges marching about round Liverpool whom indeed Dawn did not notice at all). The basic point one may observe in such an instance (and in Dawn’s case I have noted it before, some time ago in Birmingham Bull Ring I think it was) is that the quantity of information being received into the brain of the subject (Dawn in this case) is so great that their appreciation of the geographic layout of the place where they are (and particularly so if it is a busy place like some railway stations or like a shopping centre, and of course if it is a place they do not know well) is lost because the information flow is overwhelming. Given antischizophrenic drugs I myself lose the ability to maintain a geographic overview, so it is proved to my satisfaction that in some people (those who like me rely on the organising ability of their frontal brain to keep in check the otherwise overwhelming of the middle and lower brain processes by information flowing in) giving antischizophrenic drugs actually increases the tendency to show explicit symptoms of schizophrenia.
On reflection, probably Dawn’s geographic ability was worse than ordinarily it would be, when we were waiting for the train home yesterday afternoon, because of the effects still continuing from the drugs in the crisps she had eaten earlier. In other words those drugs - opium or similar rather than an antischizophrenic drug as such - worsened her seeming schizophrenia by interfering (as I know myself the opium-like drug does, and as it must for its purpose of enabling readier hypnosis) with the contribution from her frontal brain in maintaining coherence of understanding. This hypothesis I mention for explaining Dawn’s behaviour yesterday is given confirmation by the effect at Wolverhampton of the amphetamine, in bringing back into proper operation Dawn’s frontal brain, so that all of a sudden she was no longer fazed by the information flowing in from the noisy surroundings and was able to speak with complete coherence on the phone to her daughter.
The intention of the perpetrators, emulating those in years gone by evidently, must have been completely different from what actually took place, exposed above in my analysis. They would have thought in terms of hypnotising the subject (me if I had eaten the crisps) to notice ‘coincidences’ involving the stooges and the environmental circumstances in Liverpool, not in the least understanding the effects mentioned above of the drugs given (eg the opium given to permit readier hypnosis, which they must think of as a relatively innocuous drug).
31/07/08 05:07 [Thursday]
I had some thoughts yesterday or the day before about what one might generalise under the term stimulant effects. By this term I mean what subjectively is a feeling of urgency (perhaps only mild and not such that the word urgent would ordinarily be applicable) to take action, or put out output of some sort (eg speech). In terms of body and brain mechanisms it arises when certain hormones or neurotransmitters increase in activity, that is in quantity turned over per millisecond. Of course the actual ‘mechanics’ of it are complex, and several - perhaps many - different hormones and neurotransmitters will contribute.
My notice has been drawn again, now this morning, to these ideas which were going round in my head by virtue of the fact that in trying to prepare my website diary for 2005 (originally part of what was colinbrough.co.uk) for inclusion in barrass-brough.org.uk, a slight feeling of urgency has arisen - and seemingly growing as I see my way more clearly, this almost a ‘sprint to the finish’ syndrome - and I recognise it is associated with the fact that what I am doing - this activity - is for other people (I won’t quite say for the benefit of other people). I also comment that the feeling of urgency has been broken (one might almost call it) by this diversion into introspection on what is going on - on the feeling of urgency itself - which I would suggest is a help to me, from the brain wiring I have, that is brain wiring which allows or in fact encourages introspection. It is a help because the ‘stress’ which might arise from too great a feeling of urgency - as I say, if I am doing work ‘for other people’ (and one could imagine a scenario in which there was greater onus on me, if say this was part of my employment and I risked losing my job if I were not sufficiently attentive and efficient) I tend to feel conscientious (and this is in the genes in that when my Dad in one phase went to the doctor with stomach upset the doctor diagnosed stress and told my Dad he should be less conscientious in his work) - this ‘stress’ does not arise because I become distracted by interest (very pleasurable interest, I may say: that is drugs being absent) in the introspection.
Obiter dicta: I noticed Dawn under the influence of antischizophrenic drugs the other day - a thing I have noticed in myself in the past - on approaching home (walking from the bus) exhibited the very opposite of a ‘sprint to the finish’ syndrome in that on reaching the final straight she slowed down and almost stopped. I know from my own recollection that what one feels in engaging in such unnatural behaviour (caused, as I say, by dopamine-blocking drugs) is that one is more-or-less home so one need not press too hard. Of course this is exactly the advantage conferred (the supposed advantage) by dopamine-blocking drugs, to alleviate too-great a feeling of urgency but in the case of the ‘sprint to the finish’ syndrome it removes what evolution has found to be an advantage (and the more so if the dosage is too high for the individual). I mention too that one could regard this effect as negativing any exaggerated ‘notice of discrepancy’ where in this case the ‘discrepancy’ is the assessed distance from home. People given to exaggerated notice of discrepancy would be expected to exhibit a very powerful ‘sprint to the finish’ possibly accelerating as the distance from home reduced. As I say, blocking dopamine reduces or (in cases where the dosage is over-done) negatives this natural - although in some individuals exaggerated - effect.
To complete my comments on the benefits to me of my introspectiveness: the introspectiveness is made possible by the brain wiring I am often on about, whereby the links between my frontal brain and the less frontal parts of my brain are numerous and dense. In this case the links in question are upward monitoring links through which the frontal brain watches over the rest of the system, but at the same time the ‘executive’ must be capable of slowing things down by issuing imperatives via downward control links (sometimes indeed this corresponds to internal speech or what my mother used to call ‘giving herself orders’: I’m telling you it’s in the genes) otherwise the information flow into the frontal brain - the introspective information - would be overwhelming. So to avoid schizophrenia when one’s middle and lower brain would incline one to be schizophrenic, it is of use to have numerous and dense links both ways to the frontal brain.
In practical terms what the last paragraph means is that while I am pursuing this sidetrack based on introspection, I am not worrying at the same time about what originated it (that is, the preparation of my 2005 website diary). On the other hand, I haven’t forgotten the 2005 diary: I have simply shelved doing that, for a while. It is helpful to have sufficient capacity to organise my own mental processes (that is, in the absence of drugs I have sufficient capacity) to be able to schedule mental or information ‘processing’ activities in such a way.
Now I’ll go and have two crumpets (called by Dawn pikelets) with honey which the nice people at Rowse have sent me because I returned some I thought drugged.
31/07/08 06:13
I was speaking of a feeling of urgency (although sometimes that is too strong a word, but it is along the right lines) raised by doing things for other people. More generally the feeling rises when there is some sort of communication or possibility of communication with ‘other people’. In the past I have thought in terms of raised activation level from interacting with, or potentially interacting with, other people, and this has included the feeling we call self-consciousness (again sometimes in only a mild version, although on the other hand sometimes cripplingly powerful) which has often evoked from me mention of Sartre carrying on about twitching curtains giving rise to a feeling of being watched (in Being and Nothingness I think, or L’Etre et le néant as I shall soon be saying).
The nature of this ‘stimulant effect’ or raising of a feeling of urgency lies in what I do having an effect on other people (on the Other, to go back to the 1960s again). In the case which started me off this morning, the 2005 diary (which eventually will be ready) will - or may - have an effect on other people because it will be available to them to be read. I have formerly tried to reduce the activation-raising power of communication, or ‘publishing’ as kind-of one-way communication, into terms of there being a possible rebound from the other people which may affect oneself in the future, that is with a lot of information flowing in (if readers started writing in in droves) or with something more vigorous than information as such (if Armond sent the boys round, say). However, I now feel inclined to suppose the raising of activation - the feeling of urgency - from communicating with or having an effect on other people is a pretty basic part of the human make-up, and does not need to be reduced to simpler terms (except of course in trying to expose why evolution has not discontinued it). I would mention further that the output side is necessarily implicated, in that to have any effect on other people one has to put out output, and not merely internally cogitate or daydream. What seems to be the conclusion is that having started on some ‘output’ activity which other people will have cognisance of, or alternatively suddenly becoming aware that other people have cognisance (the twitching curtain when one had thought oneself alone), a momentum effect follows which causes a focusing of resources on the burgeoning ‘communication’ (or output having influence on other people, to be more literally accurate). The use of this (why it has not been discontinued by evolution) is to focus the attention of two people communicating, on each other (and I suppose if there are more than two we have to think in terms of them interacting pair-wise; the only alternative I can imagine is a mass movement which is not genuinely communication or interaction, say singing as a chorus or applauding as an audience) and one example many times quoted is eye contact. If I look into someone’s eyes I then see if he is looking at me (attuned to me or in focus with me), but also looking into his eyes has the effect in itself of drawing - I should say tending to draw, as he will have other factors impinging on him at the same time - his focus, that is of raising his activation level by raising his attention on me. Calling by name, either initially to draw attention or in the on-going form of using the vocative (the Romans had sense) is the same thing.
Hence it is a basic part of the normal human make-up that once ‘communication’ has started there is a tendency for it to grow and focus, developing what can be called momentum. It is easy to see that this involves feedback which is in fine balance. That is, it must be sufficiently amplificatory to keep the momentum going, but not so amplificatory as to be overwhelming. One can observe this effect in conversations. If two people have little in common, or one or both of them is of a schizo nature (the second a rather different basis for discontinuation from the first), any conversation will peter out, and if no common ground is to be found no friendship, that is desire for on-going meeting to communicate, will develop. If two people have a lot in common they will get on like a house on fire, that is the meetings for communication may become intense or burning (and not only in cases of sexual compatibility between people of opposite gender: I mean to include also friendships between men, or between women, which the participants are very enthusiastic about because they find so much pleasurable stimulation - either ‘intellectual’ only or including something practical like a common hobby, or indeed working together as a productive unit in the economy - in meeting up).
The schizo case, as I implied, is out of the ordinary (indeed, morbid as the medical profession would term it). The schizo individual - some cases of course are more far-gone than others - finds that any communication about anything has too powerful an effect of amplificatory feedback. The reason I’m sure is to be found in the way the synapses in the brains of schizo type people operate. As I have explained, but for the wiring of my frontal brain I myself would be in such a predicament (and was, up to the end of my adolescence at which stage other predicaments forced themselves on me, namely The Experiment). Tied in with this strength of the amplificatory feedback which in the more usual case is sufficient to maintain the momentum of (say) a conversation is the feeling of urgency which schizo type people feel when doing things for other people. Undrugged they will mostly be over-conscientious, although even without drugs they may exhibit hostility if the burden from being over-conscientious is so great they must escape it (I am thinking of Emily Brontë and how ‘prickly’ she was to her school fellows).
31/07/08 07:33
Another thing in my mind at the outset of these thoughts on the ‘stimulant’ feeling of urgency was the relationship with anxiety or the higher-level equivalent which seems to have no name and indeed seems not to be properly recognised in psychology and psychiatry texts. Surely anxiety has within it the implication of the output side. It is I suppose possible to be anxiously awaiting something without oneself playing any active part, although even in that case the possibility is in mind that one may need to take action depending on which of the anxiously awaited eventualities occurs. I find it impossible to imagine a scenario in which a person waits to see what feared eventuality arises and depending on that then goes on to fear further eventualities in a scheme of branches into the future but not branches which ever entail the anxious one himself taking action. (In fact the closest I can envisage to that is to look back to the effect on me of reserpine, when I was anxious constantly just as I have described, but at the same time did very little activity in the world. In the usual case, the hormones involved in anxiety - notably adrenaline - have developed as part of the output side anyway, to prepare for action in the form of flight or fight.)
What I am wanting to get at is that the feeling of urgency I have been speaking of, exaggerated in schizo cases and related to anxiety but at a higher level of abstract processing, gives rise to not so much a preparedness for action (as in the adrenaline case) as a feeling that action is required or may be required, which is felt as a problem if it is not clear what action should be taken. The need to decide what action to take is what constitutes the elevated ‘processing requirement’ in such a case.
31/07/08 21:03
This afternoon we went to Merry Hill shopping centre, part of the motivation being a desire to eat out at Pizza Hut if anywhere because they drug us least (going on past statistics) and when they do drug us usually it has been with stimulant drugs in the coffee they give us (that is, unnaturally strong stimulants more powerful than caffeine). When we had missed breakfast - or certainly a proper breakfast, although I had had four crumpets with the clear Rowse honey on - because we had slept late (I had gone back to bed) I developed an inclination to eat breakfast in a café, and I cannot tell whether or not this inclination had been encouraged by hypnotic voicing. This business of having audio recordings which might show up hypnotising voicing came into play later today too: the reasons I have not listened to many such (and to none which have given plain evidence of such voicing) are firstly that there would be hours to listen through and unless there is a good chance of finding evidence it would waste my time too much; secondly I fear the audio itself might if I listened put me into some sort of trance (however I could deal with the latter by having Dawn nearby and/or video-recording my listening).
In going back to bed this morning I developed an unpleasant syndrome having associated with it unhappy dreaming and when I woke up anxiety or even fear what might result from missing our appointment with the local (Dudley) psychiatrist (although myself I have not received - certainly not read - a summons, so I was going in the capacity of Dawn’s carer). I believe most likely this syndrome was caused by reserpine and most likely the reserpine came in the honey (which was delivered by an unknown person yesterday evening and presumably therefore not as part of an ordinary postal delivery). In wishing to go to Pizza Hut I had in mind the possibility - based on past statistics - that they might well give us stimulant drugs if we ordered coffee, to counteract the reserpine. This in fact was what worked out, quite nicely I thought (especially as the stimulant drugs were not in too high a dosage and the only problem either Dawn or I had from them - so far noticed - was Dawn needing to go to the toilet with rather more urgency than would be natural.).
The later occasion when audio recordings almost certainly evidencing hypnotising voicing came into play today was after we had suffered the theft of a mobile phone Dawn bought from Planet Mobile at Kiosk KX in the Merry Hill mall. We have, Dawn and I, been over our memories of the sequence of events in detail, and my belief is that while I was examining a purchase I made at the same time as Dawn’s phone (a memory card reader) I was hypnotised (this seems to be a liability I face when abstracted in trying to work stuff out like electronic devices, and it happened - almost certainly - on the recent occasion we bought two mobiles from the T-Mobile shop in The Pallasades above New Street station in Birmingham) I was put into a hypnotic trance and Dawn’s mobile was stolen. Three teenage lads were present at the kiosk about the time I last saw Dawn’s mobile, and Dawn doesn’t want to get them into trouble (thinking they may have been the thieves): however she understands that the man she approached - the man seeming to be in charge at Planet Mobile at the time - querying what had happened to her phone was lying in his report and furthermore she did not like the way he seemed to treat the theft as a joke. Another woman, working nearby for Candis the cancer charity (seemingly working for them), was also implicated with the Planet Mobile man because she also - Dawn determined - was lying in her report. I myself can complain of the Planet Mobile man that he was most unhelpful, as regards willingness to advise us how to get the stolen phone blocked, and furthermore in lying when he said he had phoned the police for us (having a few minutes earlier declined to help us even to that extent) and that they would be here in one minute (which I queried at the time as surely, I thought, police cannot be on hand so close-by). When a security woman for the mall arrived it transpired that (as far as Dawn and I could then understand it) the police had been called but had said we must report the crime to them, giving the IMEI number of the phone needing to be blocked. They certainly had not promised to be on the scene in one minute, or even to attend at all.
The most interesting audio of today, I believe, will be the one evidencing the discussion Dawn and I had on our memories and the way we - mainly Dawn - drew conclusions regarding the culpability of the Planet Mobile man and the Candis woman. This especially since, almost certainly, Dawn had been hypnotised (in the nearby O2 shop while I was outside at the Planet Mobile kiosk also suffering hypnosis) to accuse me of fraud or error in losing her phone. By the time we got home she was thinking more clearly for herself. Whether she suffered drugging at the mall, or whether I did (to permit easier hypnosis), I do not know, although my feeling is that Dawn’s failure to think for herself was due more to the overwhelming inflow of information, making her want to flee the scene indeed; I stood firm, which mainly entailed doing nothing while Dawn’s mind became calm so that she could begin to think for herself - instead of following the hypnotisers’ urging, I mean - and begin to understand the truth of what must have happened (however she still doesn’t believe we are hypnotised; she believes rather that I lost track of her phone through my absorption in my memory card reader, which is close to the truth but does not explain the Planet Mobile man’s lying or the Candis woman’s lying).
The reason I feel sure the audio from this afternoon at Merry Hill would if listened to reveal the hypnosis I suffered is the reaction of the Planet Mobile liar when I informed him the device round my neck had audio recordings of the entire sequence. To use a word again which I have used recently, his reaction was one of dismay.
The mobile phone was bought (that is, paid for and receipted) at 17:17 and I lost track of time until Dawn emerged from the O2 shop at about 17:45.
