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. June 2008 (interim last updated 10/08/08) .
05/06/08 08:19 [Thursday]
I have been sorting out old papers and, in particular, reading letters my best friend from school sent me when we were at university, I at Cambridge and he at Manchester. I do not have copies of the letters I wrote to him, but from what he had to say I can put together a fairly believable hypothesis what sequence must have led me into the wasted three decades of my life.
When I started at St Catharine’s College Cambridge I had a Scholarship, and it was expected of Scholars that they should read Grace aloud in Latin at formal dinner every few weeks (all the Scholars by rota). I was very fearful of ‘public speaking’ and went to see some functionary at the college who was responsible for the arrangements (I remember neither his name nor his title) to tell him I did not feel able to read this Latin. He said if I did it a few times I would find it easier - even easy - after a while. I did read it once, and suffered distress in doing so. After the performance a pint of cider - I think the waiter asked me and I said cider - was put in front of me which I took to be a reward or anyway something to cheer me up, but something not usually provided and provided in this instance by one of the Fellows observing my distress (although this is conjecture).
I never read Grace again: I simply did not turn up to do so. The first time when I did read it was probably late October 1974, and a week or two later another friend I had had at school visited me in my room at College. I conjecture he was sent by ‘the Authorities’ - as I later came to think of them - to check me out, either giving a report or possibly even the conversation bugged. So that would have been November 1974, the month in which I did the Fortran course which I enjoyed so much (and therefore was not being drugged nor was depressed for any other reason).
The first letter of 1975 from my best friend implies - strongly - that I had let him know I was unhappy at Cambridge. I conclude therefore that I was right a week ago or whenever it was to presume I was being drugged with reserpine from about the start of the Lent term in 1975 (that is, following Christmas 1974), having been hit on as schizoid when I went to see the man about not wanting to read Grace. My opinion of Cambridge University has plummeted lower than the level it had reached.
05/06/08 08:42
Based on the amount of influence required to get words said on TV and drugs into foods in supermarkets - and not just local stores in out-of-the-way parts of Nottinghamshire - I must conclude the present-day perpetrators are attachments of Cambridge University which, like psychiatrists and psychiatry more generally, is trusted more than it should be by people in power. I would guess - but not in this particular hypothesis presume or conclude - that the attempted ‘treatments’ since Christmas put upon myself and briefly upon Dawn seem so out-of-touch because the theory of psychiatry (and more generally, psychology) has made no progress at all in the past thirty years. Indeed, a man I met on a train in 2004 when a lot of participants from The Experiment seemed to travel with me went on about self-esteem (I forget exactly the terms he used) sounding just like something out of a book from the 1960s. I have to say though that not all researchers into schizophrenia are so delusional, and one can find quite sensible stuff on some websites (eg what I quoted from Anissa Abi-Dargham in March 2007).
I suppose these treatment methods from Cambridge must also have been the source of Caroline’s difficulties from Easter 2004 on. House-breaking and theft of computer hard drives must be the Nottinghamshire way, evil by a different route from the Cambridge way. One might though draw the general conclusion that most psychiatrist departments around Britain are the pits of sin.
08/06/08 04:54 [Sunday]
This morning I am very slightly despondent, although with the receding of sleep as day advances my mental ‘activation’ is getting going more and correspondingly my spirits are lifting. We went to High Wycombe yesterday to visit Dawn’s grandsons and their Dad, and her daughter who now lives in London, together with Dawn’s granddaughter, came to High Wycombe also so that we could all meet up. We have been drugged on such visits to High Wycombe in the past, and this time we were drugged but as far as I can tell mainly with stimulant drugs, plus probably a very small admixture of ASM. If there had been no ASM I would have to explain my ‘despondency’ this morning as simply a reaction after ‘excitement’ yesterday, that is excitement due to being among more people than I am used to, some of them boisterous (although less so than in the past), this stirring-up to my senses and perception being exaggerated by the stimulant drugs. As I say, my conviction is that there was a small admixture of ASM.
Dawn’s response to the drugs confirmed
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08/06/08 05:02
Allow me to mention an improper jump in the text-cursor position has just occurred. I am using my Rich Text Editor. This brings up the question whether such flaws will show up if I use a computer with the Vista I bought recently in Worksop installed, as it is just conceivable the flaws are natural to versions of XP uncorrupted by The Experiment. Also I wonder whether the files (with names like RICHTX32.OCR) without which rich-text processing written using my version of VB will not work and which are not present in the versions of XP I have been supplied, but only get installed when I install VB, will be present in a genuine copy of Vista. Presumably these are old system32 files which were supplied with Windows 98 in vogue when my VB6 came out, but since then ‘backwards compatibility’ has not been maintained. If I had the money the best solution would be to buy an up-to-date version of VB.
It may be (thinking more clearly now than when previously considering the question) that all related difficulties I have - the smart quote difficulty as well as the text-cursor difficulty which last autumn gradually worsened and turned into complete failure for example of scrolling of any text-box or richtext-box - are based in my using such an old version of VB on more recent operating systems (XP and now Vista). It may even be that had I taken advantage of all Microsoft Updates available the basic problem would have disappeared. I have allowed these Updates to be downloaded on occasion but in general have presumed they would be used on behalf of The Experiment to introduce unusual corruption into my systems. This view of risks has been encouraged by the non-standard behaviour of the Compaq laptop I was supplied from Cash Converters (in saying ‘Turn off Compaq’ instead of ‘Turn off computer’) and by similar non-standard behaviours; I mention that this Compaq will not accept any OS install CD but for the single one which a few weeks back did work on it [and now this one does not work on it either - note added 13/06/08 07:48].
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Dawn’s response to the drugs confirmed what I already knew about the differences between us: she had no discernible effect from the ASM presumed to be present and certainly no effect causing her to object to it, but suffered various effects from the stimulant including itching, urinary frequency and unusual fluctuations in body temperature or certainly the subjective impression of unusual variations. The only physical side-effect I have noticed in myself has been internal wind (which Dawn also suffered).
Dawn also suffered consternation (I mean this condition of overactivation which in the past I have found no term for but anxiety which is not quite the correct term) - exaggerated I mean by the stimulant drug affecting her - when on returning to the Stourbridge area we were joined on the train by a large number of quite rowdy revellers. On the similar occasion in Wakefield two weekends ago - on the Saturday night when there were large numbers of people coming out of and going into night clubs - she did not have the same reaction: then she was in more of a condition of anger (directed at myself) than anything like fear or anxiety. I myself on that occasion in Wakefield felt very buoyed up and jokey, and my conclusion is that then the stimulant must have been a more ‘powerful’ one, affecting the frontal brain more, - possibly amphetamine - but in combination with a higher dosage of counteractive ASM. The lower-level stimulant supplied yesterday can well be understood to raise the processing demand from lower processes - through increasing the strength of signals from sensory apparatus, basically - with no helpful effect on higher centres of the brain to cope with the increased demand.
08/06/08 06:32
Now using the DIXONSXP - because I am backing stuff up from the Amilo Pro onto CD with a view to reinstalling the system - and thinking along the lines I mentioned, of trying to get my Rich Text Editor working under Vista - I recall that when I was using Vista on the DIXONSXP - that is the Vista supplied with it, now unavailable due to the failure of the Currys ‘Tech Guys’ recovery DVD - I got a message saying there were known compatibility issues with VB6. Possibly that’s as far as Microsoft are willing to go - issuing a warning - in supporting such old software as VB6 from 1998. I remember the sad day - around 1984 - when Tandy (known as Radio Shack in the US) announced they would cease support for the Model I TRS-80.
What I was actually wanting to write about though (before the distraction caused by the fact of communication, that is in this case thoughts consequent on the notion of using my Rich Text Editor) was the feeling of urgency I have had on occasion recently - originating the weekend we first stayed at the PremierInn Wakefield City North and then a recurrent origination the night we slept at the Best Western Vine Hotel in Skegness - that is urgency to do something to terminate The Experiment. The fact that I use the word urgency implies in itself - as opposed to some word indicating motivation to make some attempt which might well bear fruit - that frustration was part of it. And the reason frustration was part of this state I was put in is that the ‘state’ was founded in drugs in my metabolism which stimulated me towards action but debilitated my capacity to plan and decide in an effective way how to prosecute the action (that is, the usual mixture of stimulant and ASM, which in different proportions affects different people variously, also depending what ‘level’ of stimulant it is; and another option would be to give a lower-level sedative agent than an out-and-out antischizophrenic drug).
Some people are more connected to the world than others, that is their activity is more guided by inputs from the physical senses in the here-and-now; and furthermore the activity may be more, or less, vigorous in the here-and-now (as opposed to consisting mainly of planning to do stuff later, with saccades of putting the plans into implementation). What I am considering is - whether action follows soon or is deferred till a later date (which date may never arrive as circumstances may change or distractions arise) - whence does the feeling come from, that action should be taken?
Following from things I have worked out previously, action - or motivation towards action - arises from pleasure recognised as accessible for pursuit, or unpleasure making itself known and giving rise to an aversion response. The latter (unpleasure) produces more urgency, in that pain and similar (nausea, say) in its nature may result in termination (death) if not appropriately dealt with, whereas pleasure means kind of availability of profit if we can be bothered to try for it. Pleasure pursued and achieved is more a benefit to future generations - for example sexual pleasure which has a tendency to bring future generations into existence, or ‘intellectual’ pleasure Newton’s experience of which allowed people centuries later the boon of visiting the moon and the experience of which in Heisenberg et al has allowed people the boon of causing mass destruction - whereas pain avoidance is a more selfish motivation more powerful therefore in the shorter term, which is exactly what I mean to imply by urgent.
This scenario is interfered with if the receiver of the pleasure or unpleasure is under the influence of drugs, that is drugs which affect the CNS. All I am saying really (to get this over with quickly) is that giving me stimulant drugs getting towards similarity with amphetamine, and combining them with ASM which blocks out the contribution from some of my synapses, causes me to pursue activities based on suspicions I have been hypnotised in the night, or that my computer systems are suffering corruption from the Authorities’ desire for information, which are founded not so much in evidence in the here-and-now (such as waking up unnaturally with a ringing in my ears as if an echo of spoken words, or such as strange failures of our security lights) as in fears brought forward of a repetition of past distress. Stimulants which affect mainly inward thinking and reflecting bring up memories which under certain conditions centre on (as I say) past distress and if combined with other factors - other drugs, I mean mainly - may take control of activity in the present and lead to distraction from any more sensible activity. This is evidently a syndrome closely allied to schizophrenia without drugs.
08/06/08 07:47
In the past ten minutes I have eaten a slice of toast with marmalade (but no butter) and I am now preparing two more slices. I think drugs are affecting me - probably from the bread - the same as on the outward-bound train yesterday morning, that is a stimulant with a sufficient dosage of ASM to give rise to mild anger and paranoia. The ASM effects had worn off - certainly ceased to be noticeable - by the time we arrived in High Wycombe about noon; but on the other hand residual ASM may have been what tempered the effect of stimulants foisted on us in High Wycombe.
08/06/08 08:06
I find my mind turning to the subject of Visual field analysis at the stage I reached yesterday evening on the train homeward. I find this a bit of a puzzle since it is as though the drugs I have taken in (from the bread, presumably) while having some unpleasant effects, notably on my sinuses, have had the effect on my mind of turning it to a subject I am accustomed to regard as quite a desirable one to pursue, and turned it away from thoughts based in regret of past suffering. I find myself very reluctant to agree that drugs which affect the mind can have any desirable effect.
I do believe though that some schizophrenics benefit from antischizophrenic drugs, and certainly that depressed people find subjective benefit from antidepressants (leaving aside the question of perpetuating the ‘depressive gene’ to future generations). The best solution to schizophrenia - and the reason schizophrenia would not occur in a Garden of Eden any more than in the animal kingdom - would be for the sufferer to flee to sink or swim by his own efforts in a mediaeval forest. Unfortunately at this stage of evolution we have the problem of population density and the ideal for the schizophrenic is not available (not in many countries, anyway). In such a context it appears to me that antidopamine drugs may discourage people who have brains making schizophrenia more likely, certainly when their activation level has been pushed up by events (by which I mean to suggest the drugs might be needed only as a temporary measure), discourage them from too rashly engaging in actions causing all-round distress (actions in place of the flight from Society which is what they would naturally prefer). By stilling their level of activity the amplificatory feedback cycle might be interrupted.
Taking such people into a hospital which is strange in more ways than one is not likely to still their mental activation. However giving information on ways of becoming quiet and still - but (needless to say) giving it in a quiet and still manner and not in any urgent manner - might be an alternative to drugs.
To get back to where I was: the way these drugs this morning are (presumably it is the drugs) producing an effect I am almost willing to say is a good effect is by making less available - making less contributory to my present activity including activity of the mind - memories of past distress (distress from psychiatric treatment and drugs foisted). So instead of these more distant memories - or experience, I might say - intruding, my mind is gravitating to recent pleasurably interesting activity involving the computer programming of Visual field analysis (but with my usual diversions practically all the time, every few seconds, into introspective commentary - but this equally is something I find enjoyably interesting, and which is defeated by the wrong combinations of drugs). [My view now is that the subject-matter in my thinking was more guided by suggestion voiced in the nighttime - probably to pursue what interested me myself, although I have yet to track down any actual recordings of the words voiced - than due to drugs. Note added 13/06/08 08:04.]
08/06/08 09:01
In effect - if my analysis of drugs affecting me this morning is correct - what is happening is that activity I might base on memories from the past (of distress) is being made less likely - less available - in a similar way to natural reactions from someone in pain - say a soccer player who ‘needs’ to continue in the game - given pain-killing drugs. My first idea would be to trust the natural reaction: that is, pain is useful as encouraging avoidance of painful situations in future. However, what one thinks of as ‘nature’ is a little problematic to decipher for the human condition. The major reason is the frontal brain and the tendency to look to the future instead of acting only for the present. Even without drugs, this enables a man to hold his hand in a flame suffering what in ‘nature’ would be irresistible pain, being motivated to do so by abstract or intellectual considerations to do with something remote from the here-and-now, that is either his own benefit in the future, or the benefit of others - other human beings, most powerfully - who are remote from himself in time or geography. Drugs are a tool to amplify the degree to which more remote considerations can be brought to bear in place of responding more immediately. (Weapons as well as the institutions of Society - or of civilisation, originally - are similarly tools allowing amplified effectiveness. Institutions of Society starting perhaps with libraries in the ancient world have allowed modern science to develop, with all that implies; the institution of railways magnified the distances individuals could travel for recreation and for profit-making; the institution which is the US government has had a certain influence, as have similar institutions in the past, including the government and judiciary of Rome in ancient times and even the government of England and lately the British Empire.)
Weapons can affect the judgment of the user only by ‘going to his head’, that is if he becomes aware of the power of amplification and this particular power takes over from other - other still abstract and remote, or more abstract and remote - considerations. In other words, having a gun may change the perceived balance of costly effort versus potential profit in carrying out a mugging. (The way I phrase that causes me to think it might be foreign to many people to think in such calculating terms, instead of moral terms that is how bad it is to commit mugging. However, what I say is people do commit mugging and it is interesting and even helpful in decreasing their number to understand the basis on which such crimes arise. Moreover not in vague Social Scientist terms of ‘poor housing’ or ‘inadequate parenting’ but in terms of the nitty gritty of brain mechanisms.) It should be remembered that part of the ‘costly effort’ in violent crime is overcoming - particularly if it is not a crime passionel - a human being’s natural distress at the distress - deliberately perpetrated by the criminal in this instance - of another. (And I mention in passing that such distress is unfortunately considerably reduced by habituation, which is a good reason to discourage violent portrayals on film and the like.)
Drugs are different - the sort of drugs I am speaking of here - in that they affect the judgment of the user directly, through affecting his brain. The drugs presumed to be altering the balance of availability of the memories in my head this morning are (I presume) altering my behaviour in that I am not thinking so insistently about the treatment I have suffered in the past and ‘worrying’ about a possible repeat and how to deter it. So I feel better in a sense, not to be distracted by bitter memories. But as I said of pain, the use of having bitter memories is as encouragement to take action disinclining a repeat, or perhaps to take action helping to save other people from similar. So who is to decide how worthwhile it would be for me to engage in scheming for such self-protection in the future, and for protection of others who might (conceivably, although it seems extremely unlikely) be similarly placed at some future time? In this instance, the perpetrators will know better than I - although even they may make mistaken predictions - how likely they are to repeat the sins of the past, and how likely anybody else is to perpetrate anything similar in future (on anybody). The only way I can estimate what judgment they are coming to is to assess the statistics of drugging - which is the main part of the unpleasant treatment I have suffered - I continue to suffer. Until very recently I was still suffering dosages causing me major difficulty. Drugs by definition are powerful agents, and slight mis-judgments (by the perpetrators or in my assessment of them and of things in general) may lead to very powerful effects (negative effects, that is undesirable effects).
I suppose the upshot of this is that prescription of such powerful agents should be better overseen - there should be better checks and balances - just as there were checks and balances in condemning people to execution when there was capital punishment in Britain (and still some were hanged who were not guilty).
13/06/08 04:48 [Friday]
As I think I intimated, the effect yesterday later on of the drugs taken in earlier, the ASM by then having the predominating effect, was to make me feel fed up with the way The Experiment has taken advantage of me and wasted my time and my money. In particular, on the train between Doncaster and Birmingham I was using the Amilo Pro computer - in a half-hearted way, and unable to concentrate on producing a website update - and in trying to write a CD using Vista I got error messages indicating that the hardware of the Amilo Pro is faulty and possibly it is the BIOS which is faulty. With XP I found writing CDs worked if I re-set the recording speed of the CD drive, but with Vista it seems not to be possible to do this. (On the other hand Vista has the facility to write DVDs, seemingly without any problem.) I had presumed the CD drive was wrongly set up in some way, but (as I say) the Vista error messages yesterday gave me to suspect the BIOS may be deliberately faulted in CD-writing. If it is so, this BIOS fault may be the origin of the touchpad difficulty and the related text-cursor difficulty (even though the text-cursor difficulty has not shown up yet with Vista, although I did have one episode of seemingly over-sensitive touchpad behaviour).
The overall conclusion is that in buying the Amilo Pro that night in February 2007 I was indeed sent to Comet Merry Hill under hypnotic advice, and from this it follows the Office 2007 which they fetched specially out of the safe is also specially faulted (rather than that the CD has since been exchanged by illicit entrants). A BIOS fault in the Amilo Pro might also explain why most XP install CDs won’t work on it, and again the CDs themselves may be OK.
As regards the smart quote problem with my VB6, I have narrowed down where the difficulty arises, and it is in this version of VB6 - presumably a genuine 1998 version, unless the CD has indeed been exchanged - not being able to cope with smart quotes at all, even when they are represented by \rquote and \lquote (etc) and not by Unicode double-byte codes. On the other hand, in reading RTF codes like \rquote this VB6 doesn’t simply skip it but renders it as a straight quote, which seems odd. If I made up some tag which is non-existent, how would it be rendered? I’ll try that.
13/06/08 05:18
A flaw has now arisen, in producing my evidence about RTF and VB6 shown below, in that the mouse pointer has unexpectedly developed a shadow. This happened yesterday too, and I have to blame the Amilo Pro BIOS and not the Vista install DVD.
The following RTF is rendered differently (on the Amilo Pro) by WordPad and VB6:
{\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252\deff0\deflang2057{\fonttbl{\f0\froman\fprq2\fcharset0 Times New Roman;}}
{\*\generator Msftedit 5.41.21.2508;}\viewkind4\uc1\pard\f0\fs28 Colin\asdf Colin\rquote Barrass-Brough\par
\par
}
The ‘generator’ Msftedit 5.41.21.2508 seemingly is WordPad as provided on the Vista DVD used to install the Amilo Pro, and presumably is the WordPad version now provided without any fresh revision, since XP came out. What is in my mind is how to interpret the 5 at the start of the version reference. All the versions of XP I have noticed the version number of have been version five point something. (Some of them have been queer reference numbers seeming to indicate the version was one re-written as late as September 2005, which I have always suspected as implying they were versions re-written to the commission of the Authorities.) As I discovered the other week, the first version of Windows NT was Windows NT 3.1, and it was released July 1993. Windows NT 4.0 was released July 1996, and Windows 2000 (version 5.0) December 1999. XP is described (in this book Microsoft Windows Internals) as version 5.1, released August 2001, followed by Windows Server 2003 as version 5.2 in March 2003.
One of the XP install CDs I possess is described as ‘Includes Service Pack 1’ and I bought it in 2004 originally for Zoë. It is an upgrade CD only, bought from what was then Dixons Retford. A CD bought 5 September 2005 - a day or two before I was compulsorily hospitalised, and around the time I bought the first version of the Nero software I owned - described as ‘Includes Service Pack 2’, again from Dixons Retford and again an upgrade only, was odd in having UK settings built-in on the CD. Most similar CDs I have bought have had as their country of origin Republic of Ireland and have come with US settings. This CD I bought in September 2005 followed problems I had had that summer with the Toshiba laptop I then owned - the one bought from Dixons Weston-super-Mare I believe, around March 2005 - and specifically I recall an occasion in Worksop library I think it was July 2005 when I was trying to upload an update to my website and the laptop (on which I was trying to make an adjustment because of some difficulty with the upload, given that at the time I was in a state of complete confusion due to drugs I was surreptitiously being given and barely able to remember two seconds after uploading files which files I had uploaded) crashed.
In 2004 I had bought two identical E-machines laptops from Morgan Computer near the British Museum in London, and these were faulty from the start in their touchpad settings. On a later occasion when I was at this Morgan Computer store I asked the man who appeared to be the manager about various matters and he said the store had never sold E-machines laptops but only desktops from that manufacturer. I have no doubt I was put onto Morgan Computer through hypnotic suggestion. I also bought a Toshiba laptop from them, the first Toshiba laptop I owned I think, and the flaw on that computer was that if Norton Internet Security as provided was installed, access to the internet was impossible.
13/06/08 06:28
In looking up the invoice from Morgan Computer I have come across documents relating to the fine - I ended up paying over £1000 - for a parking offence in the car park at Bingley railway station in 2004 (when I was trying to abandon the motor caravan I then owned as it seemed nothing but trouble, and left it at Bingley railway station for a number of weeks being fined I believe £25 for each day of those weeks). Retrospecting on this sort of thing - for example seeing the mistaken printing in the document from Philips Debt Recovery Agents - raises my hackles. To hurt an individual (in this case financially) in such mistaken and unfair ways does nothing to increase respect for the law.
I had thought I had found documents relating to the purported fine I suffered in 2004 seemingly from West Mercia Magistrates sitting in Kidderminster, which was not a properly legal fine in that no points were put on my driving licence as they should have been for the speeding offence I was seemingly found guilty of. If I wish to present those documents to my readers however I must search further.
Yesterday I received a rude ‘final demand’ for payment of the half-year’s Water Rate here at the bungalow in Kingswinford, which in fact I paid a few days ago. This also raised my hackles. I suppose if one is not satisfied with the quality of water supplied and the responsible authorities render unsatisfactory help, the thing one would ultimately need to resort to would be to have the water supply disconnected and make one’s own provision. (Our sewerage is provided separately by Severn Trent, whereas the water is supplied by South Staffs Water, so we could keep on the contract for sewerage although I suppose water for flushing we would need to collect from somewhere else ourselves.)
What I am doing this morning, similarly to yesterday morning although yesterday it was in respect of more recent events, is turn over my memories and check out inconsistencies. In doing so this morning of course the terrible way I have been treated in past years has recurred to me, and I have been angered. However, this emotion is mild - presumably since there is no significant dosage of drugs in my metabolism to raise my feeling of frustration - and I can consider options like disconnection of the water supply by South Staffs Water quite calculatingly.
What I was actually on with was determining the version references of various XP installations I have run on my computers over the years, the basic question being whether the hardware or the BIOS in the Amilo Pro are defective to such a degree that it isn’t worth trusting this computer for continuous use. My version of VB6 (furthermore) is inadequate in the way it deals with tags like \rquote. Although I suspect it may be a worse version than the one sold to other purchasers in the relevant years gone by, I don’t have much chance of getting it replaced or getting compensation even if it is so; this based on experience of lack of success complaining about things. Therefore the question as regards my Visual Basic is whether to continue with an imperfect VB6 or purchase a new version and try to make sure it is no worse than the one usually sold nowadays. I cannot guarantee to detect flaws in such a newly purchased Visual Basic within a period which might be considered reasonable for warranty purposes, so all in all considering the likely cost of such software now and the probability that I might get less value for money than the average purchaser, I’d better stick with my VB6. (On the other hand I think it most unlikely I have been foisted a less perfect version of Vista than is sold to the average purchaser, through the unpredictability - I suspect and hope - of my purchase. This did not apply in the case of the DIXONSXP desktop whose recovery DVD turned out flawed, in that I am known to Currys Digital and anyway could not afford the computer which was my first choice when we went to Currys Digital in the Bull Ring Birmingham that day early in April this year.)
Just to complete the story of 2005 before breaking for other things: I cannot recall what if any defects there were in the upgrade XP I bought from Dixons Retford in the September, but I still couldn’t get on the internet and the question was complicated by failures most likely originating from the version of Nero I bought and installed before being hospitalised on Thursday 8 September 2005. Before being released from my section I bought the Vaio I had from the Sony Centre in Lincoln, almost certainly acting then also on hypnotic ‘advice’. The Toshiba laptop referred to above went to Dawn’s daughter in London and she says it is sold and cannot now be returned to me; the Vaio went to Dawn’s son who also declined to return it to me when he had a new computer (also provided by Dawn and myself); my conclusion is that these computers have been taken to the Authorities who have analysed the contents of the hard discs.
13/06/08 08:58
I used to get the impression that The Experiment had a cycle almost such as we used to have in the Cost Office at Round Oak steelworks, that is a monthly cycle, and I still get this impression; except in the case of The Experiment, because it is research rather than simply following the same routine, the months vary one from another. In the past I seemed to be encouraged (through hypnotic voicing) to make backups and archives towards the end of each month.
Therefore I am asking myself whether the only nighttime voicing perpetrated in recent weeks - given the impression the Authorities must have of the efficiency of my mechanisms for audio recording - was in the early morning of Thursday 29 May 2008 and it paved the way for my increased freedom by advising me to do whatever it interested me to do. Through June I seem to have suffered only from drugging (rather than also from the effects of nighttime voicing, say increasing my liability to the foisting of drugs) and (possibly because I am freer to take defensive measures and they are based on better worked-out probabilities and hypotheses) I seem to have suffered drugging in milder and milder dosages. For example the recent trip to the Doncaster area the second night I drank hardly any hotel-room coffee, and myself I think that was a successful tactic in avoiding drugs.
So it may be that this is a trial to see how possible it is to keep track of me (that is, for The Experiment to continue to follow me through life: we were not expected to stop the second night at the Innkeepers in Bessacarr, and the Authorities yet contrived tolerably to supply agents in the hotel yesterday morning, and - somewhat easier for them - for our train journey home yesterday) and to ensure that I am not likely to go off the rails and commit some heinous crime worse than failing to pay the Water Rate and worse even than speeding in a motor vehicle or parking it improperly. I must say I enjoyed this past week or two meeting up again with members of Dawn’s family (especially younger members) except to the extent that once or twice I was subject to sedation. Also a fly in the ointment was that in the aftermath - eg yesterday on the train homewards - that is the aftermath of sedation due to ASM, I became angry (albeit mildly) when recalling advantage taken of me in the past, this advantage taken having to a degree enduring effects (eg in the Amilo Pro computer not working perfectly).
30/06/08 05:55 [Monday]
There were indications yesterday evening after tea that I was affected by drugs and mainly they had a stimulant effect. I went to Wall Heath for water from the river - went on my own since Dawn was physically debilitated by the combinations of drugs recently foisted - and took my time coming back, my pleasure at walking in the night air (it had by then got dark) exaggerated by the drugs. I made use of the walk to deliver some postcards I had with me, simply putting them through front-doors one after another from the point presumably randomly suggesting itself to me when I thought of doing this.
The hypothesis of stimulant drugs was confirmed when I woke up suddenly - on hearing one of my talking clocks chime FOUR O’CLOCK - with muscle cramps in my right leg. My best guess is that the drugs affecting me overnight derived from the Asda ice-cream I ate just before tea yesterday late afternoon, after completing work (as far as it went) on the security light on the side of the bungalow where the front door is, replacing it in fact with the new security light I bought the initial idea being to test this new security light lower down than under the eaves at the rear (where it was bought to go) because in case of failure access for remedial work would be easier. It seems almost certain though that the goal of working - or getting something done (given for example that the mains power to the original security light to the side of the bungalow seems to have been untrustworthy as I could not get it to switch back on after I turned it off to do the work) - on the side security light was suggested to me through hypnotising voicing. This morning my best guess is that I have taken in more of the drug mixture with stimulants predominating - this time in Battenberg cake from Asda, chosen by Dawn who is much more subject than I to hypnotic voicing, possibly via her mobile phone - and may well have been hypnotised to produce words of explanation. My hope is the purpose in this is to determine what it is I suffer from these procedures, and why if I do suffer from it I go along with (in particular) producing these words of explanation.
What I am suffering mainly is diversion from what I would otherwise be doing, the reason being I cannot think clearly and undistractedly enough about for example Visual field analysis (which yesterday did half-recur to my mind, presumably when the drug effects were at a low ebb). The problem this morning seems to be not so much the effects of drugs as the distortion in the behaviour resulting - stimulant drugs might otherwise give me energy to get more done - from either nighttime advisory voicing or from the fact of suffering drugging without my foreknowledge, the drugs having unpredictable and often most unpleasant effects. This morning I would lay more emphasis on the latter and less on the possible distortion due to ‘hypnosis’ or something like.
Yesterday doing the security light (and other security work) my motivation rose considerably when the failure of the mains power to the side security light (or at least, seeming failure) presented itself. My presumption - that is, my best guess but verging on certainty - was that arrangements have been made through interference in the past - before we took over occupation - to get at the mains supply to our bungalow. The object of this would be to be able to gain entry without my being aware, for purposes to do with the Cambridge researchers successors to Armond and crew (the present-day ‘Authorities’) gathering information as part and parcel of tracking me (as a supposed schizophrenic) through life. Frequent failures related to mains power - eg light bulbs blowing unnaturally often - I take to be connected somehow with the interference with the mains by ‘the Authorities’. I feel more sure about this theory this morning since I cannot find any natural explanation for the failure of the power to the side security light, which has never previously given any indication of such failure (unlike the security light at our rear, now replaced, which quite frequently failed unaccountably).
So what I lose by this is the cost of unnaturally frequently blowing bulbs. But more than that I need to think about how to prevent the presumed (but almost certain) interference, because as part and parcel of it I get drugged in most unpleasant ways (and unpredictably drugged the drugging having unpredictable though almost always unpleasant effects). Specifically if illicit entry can be gained then foods we have in may be contaminated with drugs, but more generally as I say to allow penetration for any purposes of The Experiment (such as the researchers gathering information) is encouragement to The Experiment. What I want is to put a stop to it, not encourage it, and therefore stymieing illicit entry, like my other forms of non-cooperation and even trouble-making, is the way for me to proceed. And this attitude I adopt gets brought to the fore when I am drugged because it reminds me of what I frequently suffer in being drugged.
All of this is distraction and diversion from what I myself would choose to be doing, let alone the effects frequently worse than now, from antischizophrenic drugs preventing me by direct action on my brain from thinking freely. Basically the distraction arises from uncertainty, that is uncertainty when I might next suffer and how I might next suffer from drugging; and because of this uncertainty kin to anxiety I spend time and effort thinking out ways to defend myself.
I write this (and hope to put it on my website soon) because it might explain to the perpetrators what difficulties and problems they intrude into my life. It is conceivable they cannot think such matters as these through for themselves, although I do not entirely set out of possibility the view I sometimes take that they are led to ignore the obvious in a species of double-think, because they wish to preserve their employment.
I need to translate this into HTML for my website, and have recently found installing WordPerfect (which I have lately been using for such translation) creates problems on the computer. This causes me more ‘headache’ and the basis of it I suspect is a simple-minded endeavour to steer me away from WordPerfect towards Microsoft Word. To corrupt my operating system with such an end in mind is simply ridiculous, since all sorts of effects follow which make it not at all obvious that ‘They’ want me to prefer MS Word; and anyway it is foolish for these Social Scientist types to give me advice on word-processors.