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. May 2007 .
01/05/07 03:41 [Tuesday]
I woke up about an hour ago having got up several times during the night to pass water. I got up perhaps twenty minutes ago: the process of waking up was long drawn out but did not I think involve a lagging seriatim: rather I remained tired in a sense affecting especially output activity - muscular movements, to put it simply: including at first even opening the eyes - and reminding me of states I have been in since Monday 2 April 2007 - the first time I noticed such a state recently - when I was knocked out but not asleep in the usual sense - certainly not all the time I was lying in bed - and not properly refreshed by the rest. My guess would be I was drugged - on these recent occasions - with a drug which stills the body, with the proviso that eye movements and speech output are comparatively easy and would be the last type of output activity to be affected by such a drug. I am thinking in terms of truth drugs whose effects I have seen in TV programmes, the subject being stilled in his body - lying on a bed or couch - but his eyes able to move and speech coming out without much self-censorship. However on these recent occasions involving myself I cannot remember any speech coming out (although of course my memory may be affected): my guess would be the dosage was so high even eye movement and speech output were stilled, the state being closer to natural sleep than the truth-drugged state is. It may be that last Friday I was under the influence again of such a drug, but this time at a much lower dosage and one which stilled me much less - although I ‘let things slide’ and did not go out to shops to procure safe water and milk, which I ‘should’ have done - but - as I worked out - affected my seriatim planning (as well as seriatim-based self-censorship). It is noteworthy that towards the end of April in both 2004 and 2005 and into the May each of those years I was affected by a drug of this type, producing confusion and - so my presumption was at the time - susceptibility to zombie-like guidance from ‘hypnotic’ advisers. Indeed I remember commenting very critically on the morality of doing such a thing to someone - turning them into a zombie obeying in a robot-like way - when I observed Dawn to be affected sometime in the first half of 2005, around the time we fetched up at the Ken Martin Swimming Centre (which was Sunday 8 May 2005 or thereabouts). (Reading through the notes I made in May 2005 it is clear this drug I am talking about was used for the simple purpose of subjecting us to ‘hypnotic’ guidance where to go and what to do - leading us for example to Khalid Mahmood’s filling station off junction 3 of the M42, where we had an encounter with police - the objective being to create a semblance of schizophrenia and invite us - and eventually compel us - to be in hospital to be assessed by doctors. But quite what it was hoped would be gained from such a pretend schizophrenia - just as in the 1980s - I cannot guess. Very little could be gained but a lot was lost, to us the subjects and in particular to me through treatment with antischizophrenic drugs over decades.)
01/05/07 04:20
I have drunk a mug of coffee made with Nescafé granules bought yesterday at Spar Wordsley Green and bottled water bought on the same occasion. I have chucked out some suspect coffee granules - those bought at Asda Doncaster about a week ago - and some bottled water we have had for a while - not having used up all the contents - to save confusion in having too many different bottles of water about, some of which may be more likely drugged than others.
01/05/07 04:29
On Sunday morning I was drinking coffee made with the granules I have now chucked, but yesterday I was using granules bought on Saturday from Somerfield Stourbridge and which we still have. Yesterday afternoon and overnight tonight the effects have been more unpleasant than twenty-four hours previous, one difference being that last night I did not go to sleep so early but felt inclined to stop up - we went to bed just after 9 pm - feeling though wretchedly tired. And this morning in waking up I have felt ‘wretchedly tired’, although having woken up properly this unpleasant effect is no longer evident. It may be that the Somerfield coffee granules contained the same drugs but at a higher dosage, the idea possibly being that I might drink first the Asda granules then the Somerfield granules so that effects could gradually worsen (or become stronger, from the point of view of the Authorities).
01/05/07 04:38
I have chucked the Somerfield granules.
Various pieces of evidence convince me Dawn is affected by genuine amphetamine, presumably from the tapwater. She seems no longer to like coffee so much, and I suspect ‘hypnotic’ advice to try to get her to take different drinks from myself, as drugs affect us differentially.
01/05/07 04:55
For some reason it has been necessary to ‘re-boot’ the Virgin Media modem, by disconnecting it from the power supply for a few seconds.
16:02. Dawn and I have both had physical aches and pains today, Dawn’s worse than mine and in fact such that she had difficulty walking. I became somewhat ‘exhausted’ by driving - we have got as far as Trowell on our journey to north Nottinghamshire - in rather the way I am accustomed to after concentrating on driving for a period but somehow different so that on this occasion I can tell - almost by direct introspection - that it is not an effect of drugs. Rather it is an after-effect, resulting from a high processing demand over recent days (or weeks) insufficiently cleared night by night by dreamtime sleep.
We have been asleep in the ’van. I have woken up after just over an hour, while Dawn - although roused by my movement to fetch this handheld device - has gone back to sleep after satisfying herself on the question of what I am doing.
I was thinking that although I myself can tell when I am affected by drugs - when for example my sleep is a drug-induced sleep - Dawn cannot, and denies for example sometimes that her irritability has been due to drugs even when it has been. From the fact that I myself have difficulty assessing whether drugs are playing a part when the resolution of my perception - my introspective self-perception - is reduced by ASM, I conclude my own sensitivity to drugs - in the sense here of awareness of them in my system - depends on my acute introspective capability, that is the number of monitoring links reporting the state of my lower processes to the seriatim frontal brain. This I suppose explains the fact that I am happy to explain myself - eg to myself, and on my website - in terms of my own brain mechanisms, regarding myself indeed as a system in the physical universe (but not I suggest in any delusional psychotic way of interpretation).
Of course I can be less sure of my assessment of Dawn’s sleep - whether it is a natural recovery after drugging as mine has been, or whether it is another sleep caused her by the balance of drug effects sedative and stimulant. In fact I am pretty sure it is the former, and conclude she has taken drugs only as I have - in the coffee granules now jettisoned - and not for example additionally in the tapwater. My main reason, paradoxically, is that she is sleeping now in the daytime, whereas the balance of drugs affecting her meant she slept under the influence only at night. Moreover she is sleeping soundly and long, but on the other hand is rousable in a natural way by movements or noises off (but then easily returning to sleep).
A further conclusion is that our physical aches and pains are equally a rebound or recovery after stimulant-driven over-use in recent days and weeks without sufficient recovery as we went along by rest and nighttime sleep. I do not know if we would have suffered this lack of satisfactory rest and sleep including dreamtime sleep if given a different sedative. One thing I note is that - certainly as yet - we have no rebound anxiety such as we have suffered in the past (eg when I first declined the injections and men came to the door of the park home - and into the park home - urging me to resume them and saying lies to the effect that my mental health could be seen to be declining by virtue of no longer having them).
16:34. PS. A note to myself: to note as also requiring amendment when I change my password, the handheld devices.
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In north Nottinghamshire
19:00. We arrived at the park home say forty minutes ago. Noting that I am once more excitable and jokey and am now developing nasal congestion I suspect I may have taken in drugs. That there is evidence that I have been taken advantage of once more might be enough in itself to make me suspicious, paranoid and angry, but I believe the condition of paranoia I seem to be developing is caused by ASM concurrently with the presumed (but fairly certain) stimulant, and it involves failure to understand clearly. For example I suspect I may have been induced to make notes on the handheld device so they can be easily read - the copy on the memory card - without having to get round a password. I find myself unable to estimate the probability that this suspicion is correct: it depends on considerations such as by what means - eg voices in my sleep - I might have been induced and these considerations are not available as a sub-current in my head allowing a quick automatic estimation of probabilities: instead I would need to consider the considerations explicitly using ‘if-then logic’.
Let me say the exposition I am presenting - in its level of detail (as against summary) and the absence of self-questioning as I go - in itself convinces me that ASM is acting. I am reminded of expositions I wrote around May of last year under the influence I am sure of risperidone (plus presumably a stimulant drug).
On the other hand I do have doubt - related I mean to self-questioning - about my earlier assertion that the sleep I took at Trowell was a natural sleep. It would be so convenient for the Authorities if they could have predicted that sleep - or rather caused it with preceding drugging - and used it to enter the ’van - at Trowell - to further drug foods or drinks and take advantage in other ways (perhaps involving the computer). I suppose this is illogical - it is based on remarking that the drug effects started at Trowell with me needing the toilet and continued in the form of my mood on the drive from Trowell - because the assumption is that the Authorities had already drugged us to induce the sleep.
What I guess happened is that when we were away from the ’van at Tamworth it was entered and drinks - the bottled water, specifically - drugged. I do not know whether the drugs taken therefore in the coffee we drank at Trowell contained something to induce sleep. I suspect not, but that the sleep was as I said natural but I was brought to full wakefulness after it - sooner than would have been - by the stimulant in the bottled water, had to empty my bowels again - mainly of wind - and was alert and pleasurably interested on the drive after Trowell. Since arriving at the park home the ASM has become apparent as mentioned above.
The stimulant is now showing up in Dawn - orally administered drugs take longer to affect her than me - first with acid in her stomach (reflux oesophagitis, I suppose) and now causing her to emit a lot of speech. Based on the latter I wonder if a mild ‘truth-drug’ effect is loosening her tongue - possibly implying there is less withholding ASM (because any ‘truth-drug’ is not at all noticeable acting on myself).
19:35. However I am now more distracted than I was by what Dawn is saying - implying the ASM effects are taking over from stimulant effects (possibly a mild dosage of genuine amphetamine, from my capacity - until now - to internally cogitate, from the sensory pleasure I obtained from driving, and from the quantity of speech Dawn is generating).
02/05/07 05:03 [Thursday]
When I first looked at the clock in waking up it was about 4.30 am. It seems to me that although I have been slow to get going in a physical sense - getting up out of bed about 4.40 am and since then going through a routine involving turning on the halogen heater, pouring a drink of grapefruit juice and tidying up (in particular both handheld devices which I was charging yesterday) then finding out this computer and plugging in and switching on - I was not slow to wake up in any sense involving lagging of the seriatim. I have felt some bleariness - involving mainly the visual system getting going - and still have slightly sore eyes. But these ‘systems’ which have been slow to get going have been at various levels - in fact mainly low levels close to the physical - in my mental functioning. I feel no depression or resentment based on lack of clarity - that is resolution - of thinking. My conclusion must be that any ASM is at a very low dosage and counteractive amphetamine has been working well - at quite a high dosage set against the ASM - to maintain the operation of my ‘higher mind’ from the outset (of waking up) or indeed through the period of sleep. (I mention for example that I had one or two dreams during the night which for a while on almost waking I was able to recollect - although now I recall simply noting that I had had dreams - so any sleep-inducing agent interfering with dreamtime sleep must also be at a low dosage set against the amphetamine.) Of course I drank only one cup of coffee yesterday which was drugged - that is after the bottled water must have been switched at Tamworth.
I have nonetheless been troubled by physical side-effects. Yesterday both Dawn and I had acid in our stomachs, for which we were able to find some PepcidTwo. This morning I have had bothersome nasal congestion, and discomfort in my abdomen associated (as usual) with internal wind. I have not been to the toilet and suspect my bowels are not functioning freely.
I have had at least six hours of sleep overnight, which seems surprising if the amphetamine has played a larger role than heretofore as compared to sedative drugs. I would guess the explanation is tied up with taking in more information yesterday - than with say ASM alone, because of the greater involvement yesterday of amphetamine (for example in driving) and the fact that I was tired by the time we arrived at Trowell indicates there had been a prior build-up of information taken in and not cleared eg by dreamtime processing in the usual way - plus the nature or dosage of any sleep-inducing agent as such included being such as not to interfere with dreamtime during my overnight sleep tonight (for example probably barbiturate was not involved - although as I said Dawn’s tongue was loosened yesterday on arrival at the park home seemingly by a truth-drug effect: certainly some drug interfering with her self-censorship; so it may be a barbiturate ‘truth-drug’ was included but at a very low dosage affecting Dawn’s sensitivity to ‘minor sedatives’ but not mine, and possibly only short-acting; truth-drugs must be different in nature or in dosage from barbiturates given to promote sleep, because they do not still speech or eye movement and as I say act over a short interlude; as a first approximation to the truth one would guess anything stilling eye movement is going to interfere with dreaming that is REM sleep).
We are intending to go into Lincolnshire again today for a day out in the ’van - after we have off-loaded the bricks we have brought.
02/05/07 05:53
I am thinking about the comparison between Dawn’s finding a lot to say on the phone last night to her sister and her finding a lot to say the other week at her aunt’s (Sunday 8 April 2007). As far as I can make out, on both occasions the mental stimulation leading to the production of words was due to amphetamine. However on the occasion at her aunt’s I do not think she was under the influence of a truth-drug, because what she said was coherent in a complex way - whereas last night she was not exactly rambling but speaking randomly as topics cropped up in her mind - and then (at her aunt’s) she was clearly following more closely her own line of thought somewhat divorced from what her interlocutor was saying.
It makes sense to suppose that last night she was mainly affected by amphetamine and the truth-drug, with little ASM interference to the connections by which one thought led to another (this mechanism being slowed somewhat perhaps). The truth-drug would counter the action of amphetamine on the frontal brain, leading one to speak without much of a coherent overview - as when I used to talk to the radio in the early 1980s. One would not be strongly held to topics within one’s own mind but would pay some attention - without being able to combine with one’s interlocutor in planning the discussion - to inputs from what the other person said. In Dawn’s case yesterday evening and in my case in the 1980s with the radio, the ‘other person’ was not saying much, so there was little distraction from one thought of one’s own leading to another.
Without any ASM ‘slowing down’ the setting-off of one thought by another, a combination of amphetamine and truth-drug should produce a semblance of schizophrenia even in a person not naturally schizophrenic. I conclude there must have been some ASM included yesterday. I can see too that in a case of schizophrenia the way thoughts get set off suddenly, strongly and disruptively by the mere fact of communication in the real world - especially where there is a lot of emotional content and especially if topics come up of particular significance to the individual - is much the same as the disruption to a non-schizophrenic’s thinking of a loud volume of noise especially noise involving speech in a language which the subject understands, or of sudden loud interruptions (eg an explosion in the vicinity, or as regards emotional content a man pulling a gun on the interruptee: the latter produces a very good model of thought derailment or blocking). These distractive experiences naturally raise the processing requirement and rouse the frontal brain to process on them so that it is no longer free to process on other things such as the overview of the matter under discussion as opposed to the more physical facts (thus the sound of the words used is going to attract the attention of a schizophrenic conversationalist rather than the matter being discussed).
On the occasion at her aunt’s I believe the amphetamine affecting Dawn caused something of a separation from the ‘real world’ - amphetamine I conjecture interferes with links between inputs and outputs and plausibly between internal planning and the external (depending I suppose on dosage and possibly on the individual, that is the strength of the links through which usually he puts his plans into effect, or fails to do so) - so that her stimulated thinking - emitted as speech in the company of people she felt entirely at ease with - was her own and somewhat divorced from the external. It seems from recent experience that combining ASM with the amphetamine produces (in Dawn) better connection of such stimulated thinking with the external.
02/05/07 06:41
I have just had breakfast, providing a bit of an interruption. While writing the above I gradually became less certain in working out what I wanted to set down, an effect similar to that of ASM in withholding me from communicating because I could not adequately sort out my ideas. At the same time a faint dull headache developed. I think these effects were due to a truth-drug in the grapefruit juice (presumably introduced when we left the ’van for a brief while at Tamworth), of which I have drunk almost a glass - say 250 ml. I think probably amphetamine was also included, because over breakfast I started to reflect - the stimulative effect of the amphetamine on my frontal brain starting up I conjecture - and correspondingly became still in the real world. That is I sat there thinking.
This rather confirms the fact that amphetamine creates a hiatus between inputs and outputs, and furthermore stills - certainly in some people - the putting into effect of plans until they have been adequately thought through. It may be - correspondingly - that giving ASM at the same time as amphetamine counters this hiatus and in the right dosages might result in a better contribution from planning by the seriatim in tandem with putting the plans into effect and responding if it is necessary directly to inputs.
Giving amphetamine to Dawn - at her aunt’s recently - and myself - in the early 1980s - stimulates our thinking - and speech under the right conditions - but the thinking goes on rather insularly. It is conceivable that concurrent ASM might counter the separative effects of amphetamine on the lower processes resulting in a maintained or improved connection to the external (which - better connection to the external and less distraction eg from hallucinations - I presume is one major positive effect usually of ASM).
02/05/07 07:06
Given the way I feel now - tired just as I was approaching Trowell yesterday - the grapefruit juice must already have been drugged when we drank some early on our journey yesterday - in fact probably when on sale it was drugged. I must excuse my mistaken conclusion that the sleep at Trowell was natural through the fact that the truth-drug barbiturate in the grapefruit juice is only short-acting and because of the amphetamine in the coffee drunk at Trowell I woke up feeling refreshed.
10:20. We went back to bed after I had drunk grapefruit juice and Dawn had drunk cranberry juice. We woke up and got up about 9.30 am since which we have drunk a cup of coffee - the same as yesterday - each and Dawn has drunk more cranberry juice. She finds she now has urgent need for the toilet. My guess is the grapefruit juice - and possibly the cranberry juice - contains barbiturate plus probably some amphetamine - plus possibly some ASM as I have experienced no euphoria but have experienced some shortness of temper - and the water used for the coffee contains amphetamine plus probably a very small quantity of ASM. I was slow to get going again on waking up at 9.30 am and now await any effects - stimulant effects waking me up a bit - from the coffee.
10:27. Dawn needs the toilet for the second time in ten minutes - to empty her bowels again and to pass water. Either the amphetamine has a very big effect or the effect of the barbiturate on her is different from on me, in her case adding to the evacuative tendency of the amphetamine.
10:32. Having drunk the coffee she now finds she is moving more lithely.
13:20. We visited Dawn’s aunt, taking the bricks with us and drinking coffee with her before unloading them - I was slightly drowsy before the coffee but then became wider awake, but this probably unrelated to her coffee - and tea after unloading. I was not especially alert - and certainly not excitable or jokey, although of course the context of being at the aunt’s was different from the context of being with Dawn on her own - at any point while there.
We left there about twenty minutes ago, and filled up with diesel in Harworth, and are now on the road to Gainsborough stopped in a lay-by for lunch. Because of the absence of any stimulant effect to my mind or to my body I conclude the coffee we drank before leaving the park home this morning - the water it was made with that is - does not contain drugs, and the effects yesterday were entirely due to the grapefruit juice I was drinking on the journey, drugged no doubt at the time of purchase at Somerfield Stourbridge last Saturday. I have a headache at present, more an after-effect I conclude - or an effect from mixing drugs, such as for example sedatives with stimulants - than a direct effect of drugs specifically stimulants.
Dawn who drank more grapefruit juice than I this morning - plus cranberry juice besides - has had urinary frequency and seemed very alert to converse with her aunt, and not tied up in her own thoughts either in silence or speaking them without attending much to the general conversation. I conclude there is a mixture of drugs acting on her without significant disbenefit to her.
13:43. We have had lunch of beefburger with coffee made with milk. Dawn does from time to time have physical side-effects such as belly pains and digestive and urinary trouble. She does now also seem urgent in her desire to reach our destination - that is achieve our aim - and then rush back to see her son this evening (however she is not dirigiste in this which indicates to me genuine amphetamine is involved).
03/05/07 04:45 [Thursday]
I have been up almost half an hour, the clock saying 4.13 am when I was first awake sufficiently to look at it and me getting up about five minutes after that. I am about half way through a cup of coffee I made on getting up, using water bought at Wragby Co-op yesterday. My right ear is clogged with wax and I have been attending to it with cotton buds as I have no Cerumol to hand. Also I have been blowing my nose a lot based on semi-congestion with viscous mucus - but causing annoyance rather than being a copious amount or streaming - which I myself consider slight congestion due to the drugs yesterday which if taken in larger dosage would have led to more definite blocking of the nose by harder congestion such as indeed I have suffered sometimes in recent weeks.
Yesterday we went out Dawn and I in the ’van to Caenby in Lincolnshire to look at the setting of a house for sale whose details we had been sent - two separate copies in fact on different days - and then to Minting more or less in the land of Dawn’s birth - that is near Wragby - to look from the outside at the house we asked to view only to be told on Monday an offer on it had been accepted. I made notes on the handheld device but have not downloaded them so they are not at present before me nor are they in my immediate memory.
Let me say - prompted to think of the operation of my mind by this mention of memory, but otherwise having been thinking other thoughts than introspective thoughts - it seems to me there are no mind-altering drugs significantly affecting me at the moment (although of course I may have just taken some in the coffee, things being as they are). I seem to have woken up in a natural way over a fairly short waking-up interval preceded I suppose it’s true to say by sleep becoming lighter and my body turning over more frequently through perhaps the last twenty minutes of sleep, my interpretation being that I could have got up sooner without ill effect if it had been necessary - say if I had had something on my mind to do, such as even under other circumstance go out to work - but that lacking any definitely motivating plan - not through any interference to my mind by drugs but simply because we have no particular plans for today (I discussed this very matter with Dawn before retiring last night and she wants to get things done at the park home such as strimming the grass before later in the day returning to Kingswinford) - my mental processes allowed my body to take advantage of the opportunity to rest longer. In waking up there has been no lagging - either of the seriatim or of processes more generally (I conclude barbiturates which I have taken in recently cause such lagging, which manifests as periods of lost awareness - a return to barbiturate sleep in effect - for minutes at a time intermittently when one is otherwise awake: in other words instead of waking up with a gradual increase of awareness over a shorter or a longer period, one is one minute awake and the next minute back asleep, the periods of wakefulness lengthening until they blend into what passes under barbiturate for full wakefulness; myself I find this process of waking up quite unpleasant it being a form actually of incomplete wakefulness but incomplete sleep, and as I have said I dislike being neither properly awake nor properly asleep).
Now having woken up and got up there is no production of words building up a momentum but without any planning that is thinking out what I have to say and how to say it as I go along, such as occurred in the late Spring of last year under the influence of risperidone or possibly risperidone plus a stimulant. On the other hand there is no stimulant drug driving me either to do stuff in the physical universe - such as go out for a walk or in the ’van, for the sake of variety of physical experience as it were - or to formulate plans with fervour for the sake of seeing them achieved (the latter I mean corresponding to genuine amphetamine). I am simply turning things over in my mind in quite a leisurely fashion, feeling free now I reflect to turn my mind to a variety of topics (and of course to be specific the subject of character recognition begins to come more firmly into my mind).
Last night about 10 pm Dawn drank the last of the grapefruit juice. She gave as her reason that I had said I wouldn’t drink it having concluded it was drugged. Shortly afterwards she felt she needed to go to bed, and she is asleep now, although of course I cannot say how long she was awake after I myself nodded off last night, or how restless her sleep may have been (based on my almost certainty there were drugs in the grapefruit juice).
We were outside a house in Minting we had been interested in around 5 pm yesterday when Dawn’s son phoned our mobile to ask where we were and when we would be picking him up. He seemed a bit miffed that we were at such a distance from Worksop but said he would wait until we could pick him up, rather than say go to Meadowhall (a shopping mall near Sheffield where apparently he and his girlfriend had gone the previous night with her parents but had to return immediately on arrival as her Dad was called home to a job, presumably in connection with his business). Dawn said we would return immediately to the Worksop area to pick him up. Actually we met a woman who lived just down the road from the house which had been for sale, and she had a tale to tell about her involvement with the man selling the house, and adverted too to the fact that another property nearby was for sale - with four acres of land and a lake she said - so we did not in fact leave immediately. Dawn however naturally declined the offer of a cup of tea and we left, hitting rush-hour traffic on the Lincoln by-pass and arriving at Dawn’s son’s girlfriend’s home about 6.30 pm at a guess. Here we were asked to wait - and Dawn’s guess was that it was until the girlfriend’s Dad got home - so I had a cup of coffee in the ’van, made with milk (although as I said we had bought bottled water at Wragby Co-op earlier in the afternoon). Dawn exhibited some impatience - or rather was somewhat negative in assessing the reason we had to wait, attaching blame or almost blame to various parties. She also had some negative comments to make about the woman we had spoken to in Minting, and actually as so often - because she was not overly agitated in making her comments and correspondingly not dirigiste (because of the absence of sub-amphetamine stimulants I mean) and had freedom from the pursuit of activity (or short-term goals) to explain herself using words - I found interest in trying to understand her way of thinking, and in particular what one would call her code of morals. I have mentioned previously interesting discussions we have had, one for example on the attitude of Jehovah’s Witnesses to modern medical science. Now I think of it we continued in something of the same vein later, when Dawn’s son and his girlfriend had joined us, and he was amused by the nature of our discussions (which he called arguments). They aren’t on what one would call practical subjects, and the fact that we are both interested in topics somewhat divorced from the real world - related to the schizo nature of the thinking of the two of us - (and it is in the nature of what our interests genuinely are and not for example an almost pretend interest such as a professional academic might develop) shows up how compatible we are. I would mention too that we have no ‘training’ in the subjects we discuss - although I have read a lot in my younger days on a variety of topics - and this in the specific matter of psychologising stands me - in making up my theories and reporting them here on my website for example - in good stead. Conventional psychiatry in particular is almost akin to modern-day astrology, or mediaeval theology, as building on ideas previously published and adhering to ‘authorities’ without sufficient checking against real facts. As I have commented before, the endurance of Freud’s ridiculous - and probably cynically charlatanical in taking advantage of patients with money to pay, as in the case of modern-day privately employed psychiatrists or astrologers - presentations over the years I find very telling.
I was speaking of Dawn’s impatience yesterday evening. On the drive back from Lincolnshire I myself experienced what I suppose was mild frustration - in the traffic around Lincoln - and shortly afterwards was dwelling in my thoughts as I drove along on my past treatment by Armond. This state of mind I was in I have no doubt in blaming on the effects of ASM in the grapefruit juice I had taken in the morning coming more to the fore set against the amphetamine effects. Another symptom of this was unnaturally elevated appetite at the same time yesterday evening as we were driving home. I presume the combination of ASM with amphetamine brings forward not only tiredness as if from stimulant over-use over a period, but also rebound hunger which often follows amphetamine use.
As I say, we picked up Dawn’s son and his girlfriend about 7 pm, and went to the chippy in Bircotes to buy some good wholesome food. We ate our meals at the park home and the stimulation to my mind which had started with my discussion with Dawn on her code of morals continued with the antics of Dawn’s son and his girlfriend and Dawn’s reaction - she seemed in a very good humour (presumably considerably assisted by enjoyment of the company of her son). When we took them home - after he had performed the useful task of getting our spare wheel into its cage under the ’van so we no longer have to negotiate it in the interior - I felt somewhat lacking stimulation - again I do not doubt an effect of the drugs, involving (the ASM having come to the fore) failure of my usual level of internal envisagement. Dawn I suspect wondered about her own mental state - I would guess because one of the effects on her of the drugs had been that she concerned herself over whether we were being followed, leading to her looking frequently in the rear-view mirror of the ’van - being sufficiently introspective to note some oddity in it, and took a Risperdal tablet having taken none for two or three nights. When I have questioned her previously on why it matters to her whether she is mentally ill or not - for example she has in the past looked out for symptoms in herself along the lines of auditory hallucinations - the answer has been that she does not want to be put in hospital. Any positive symptoms she has had in the past - and I can’t get to the bottom of whether in fact she genuinely has had positive symptoms or whether to put it bluntly they have been fabricated as a way of obtaining assistance needed in fact more because of the negative aspects of her ‘illness’ that is difficulty coping with practical interactions one needs to cope with in life in the present context (I mean the context of having no mediaeval forest to run away to) - have not worried her or frightened her. The most one could say is that at times her understanding has been confused. But she has in the past found herself in a quandary if she has had no source of practical assistance but the hospital. She doesn’t want to be in hospital but sometimes there has seemed no alternative, and she has made the best of it saying to me in fact early on in our relationship that she tried to make a holiday of her breaks in hospital.
03/05/07 10:33
I mention that when I first turn on the Amilo Pro in the morning, there is a lot of hard disc activity - a thing which two or three weeks ago concerned me as I had not noticed it before - which after a few minutes quietens down into occasional activity only. When Windows starts up after having been unloaded it must go through a lot of checking I suppose, even after the user has logged on and started to work. Mind you, in the past it has seemed to me that after Windows has been active for many hours and a lot of work has been done, it takes longer to close down. I used to explain this to myself as time taken to delete temporary files or similar and therefore taking longer if more complex work has been done over a longer period. I no longer notice this effect and ask myself therefore if it was caused by false software from the Authorities doing something for them - eg caching - based on the quantity of work I had done in the session. Similarly in the past if I have left a computer unattended for a long time, activity has started up - slowing the screensaver for one thing - which may be correctly explainable - as I have previously suspected - as activity possibly caching done by falsely introduced software on behalf of the Authorities. The Amilo Pro seems free of any such suspicious activity, the only noticeably odd - so it seemed - activity being as I say on starting up first thing in the morning (and presumably after any period unloaded for a number of hours).
Dawn has drunk one and a half cups of coffee made with tapwater (here at the park home) and I detect no effects of drugs on her. She is strimming the lawn, physically active as is usual for her, but shows no urgency or irritability about it. She is moving more freely than first thing in the morning for several days, and seems in a fond mood and good-humoured. She has been talking to her youngest sister on the phone again and spoke freely, with no confusion or reluctance but equally without the random productions from her mind as appeared two nights ago, and I believe the sister was pleased to have Dawn to talk to. We are going round to visit her later this morning, and it appears to me the relationship between the sisters has reverted to what it was in their younger days after intervening years when Dawn has been miles away (in Worksop) and mostly less happy on her own there and has had other concerns. When we recently paid a call on Dawn’s elder sister they too seemed to be on the terms they were on in earlier days, after a period of perhaps some emotional distance.
What I don’t quite understand is if - as appeared to be the case - the drugs affecting me in recent days were in the grapefruit juice, and Dawn drank some last night, surely they will still be affecting her. I observed the effects wear off in myself over the course of yesterday, and as I say presumed they originated from the grapefruit juice I drank in the morning. I didn’t say in my notes yesterday what I drank at breakfast time, but it may have been coffee made with bottled water brought from Kingswinford - the only bottled water we had in hand yesterday morning - and that water may have been drugged. In fact I believe at least once in recent days I have suspected the grapefruit juice of containing mainly a barbiturate inducer of sleep and the water - that water I am speaking of - separately of containing mainly a mixture of stimulant - possibly genuine amphetamine - and ASM. Of course while we were out yesterday we used milk for coffee, and this morning I have been using water for myself bought yesterday at Wragby Co-op and tapwater for Dawn, possibly neither of these containing drugs. Dawn might therefore have been made sleepy by the grapefruit juice last night but have suffered no further effect of amphetamine or ASM. (I suppose another possibility is that the 1mg risperidone she took last night has countered any effect from the amphetamine which may have been in the grapefruit juice, the implication of which would be the dosage of ASM also presumably in the grapefruit juice - on this theory - is much less than the equivalent of 1mg risperidone. I can believe I suppose that the equivalent of much less than 1mg risperidone would affect me noticeably, and a corresponding dosage of amphetamine affect Dawn considerably and myself detectably. But I am also required to believe that 1mg risperidone the evening of ingestion of that dosage of amphetamine totally hides any effect in Dawn from my observation. I suppose it is possible and concurs with comments I have made recently on amphetamine and ASM fairly well cancelling out even in myself.)
03/05/07 13:48
Soon after I wrote the above Dawn decided to call a halt to the strimming she was doing, for one thing so that we could go and buy some Cerumol as my ear was causing me some annoyance. We drove to the local pharmacy and bought the Cerumol and some more PepcidTwo. We went from there to Dawn’s sister’s and spent the rest of the morning with her. I applied some drops of Cerumol and was poking and rubbing at my ear for the rest of the morning as doing so at times cleared my hearing leading me to imagine that I might lastingly free it up.
03/05/07 13:58
I have just this minute developed palpitations with pain in my chest, after drinking a quantity of milk. My best guess is that the palpitations arise as ASM wears off, a conjecture I have made before. I believe the residual effect of the ASM is what has led to my not by an effort of Will (involving the seriatim in looking forward to longer-term benefit) setting aside the distraction from my ear so that as a result I have continued to rub at it. I also put my susceptibility to botheration from hot and sweaty feelings - this morning - not down to stimulant causing my temperature regulation mechanism to fail in keeping my temperature down satisfactorily but rather to the effect of residual ASM - the effect on transmissions from the frontal brain in fact, or at least their reception in the lower brain - in interfering with the blocking of noisome bodily signals. I can well imagine that combining stimulant with ASM would produce exaggerated feelings such as hot and sweaty in me compared to someone relying less on transmissions from the frontal brain to keep the lower processes in order.
03/05/07 14:37
The palpitations have ceased, whether helped to cease by the dispersible aspirin 75mg I took ten minutes ago or not but certainly taking the aspirin did no harm.
03/05/07 15:54
We have arranged to view a four bedroom detached house in Lincolnshire, and because we are certain now of our intention to move to Lincolnshire are putting up an ad to sell the park home and are calling in estate agents to value and sell the bungalow in Kingswinford.
04/05/07 05:54 [Friday]
We are in the ’van at Trowell having spent the night here, in the same parking bay as last time. I have been up about half an hour and am drinking a cup of black coffee I made (using granules bought yesterday at the newspaper shop in Harworth and water bought the previous day from Wragby Co-op). Yesterday we decided to put the park home and the bungalow up for sale, and I made up an ad on a postcard - using the computer to lay it out and then print it - which we placed in the newspaper shop window (paying 80p in advance for four weeks). Dawn phoned the estate agent we have used before in Kingswinford and they are coming to value the bungalow and advise next Tuesday.
Dawn was ‘tidying up’ at the park home yesterday afternoon therefore, so that anyone coming to look through the windows or at the garden would find it an attractive prospect. Next Thursday we have arranged to view a property in Lincolnshire internally: we drove past it two days ago and Dawn has been fluctuating in her views on it.
My ear continued to be a major annoyance yesterday, although later on I was leaving it alone more and it settled into a condition of fairly complete blockage. This morning it seems much the same, but I think the Cerumol has evaporated more leaving a filling of softened wax, occupying a greater volume than when it was hard and solid. Unfortunately I have no Cerumol with me in the ’van so I must hope that as the drops I put in yesterday evaporate more the wax will shift appropriately and enable me to hear better. I should think the conclusion is that I put in too much Cerumol all at once, and should have put less in each time over a longer period of treatment. However I have certainly loosened and softened the wax and without doing that one could never clear it.
04/05/07 06:29
Dawn seemed to speak better on the phone later yesterday - to estate agents - than earlier to West Lindsey Council, in the sense of having easier access to words and verbal structures to express her meaning. It may be that yesterday she did in fact take in more of the same drug mixture given recently. While I myself given stimulant drugs in the past have taken action for the sake of it - eg when I used to go up and down between Bristol and Retford - I don’t think that exactly applies to Dawn now in her desire to move to Lincolnshire. I daresay the stimulant component in the drugs she takes in or has taken in gives her energy and organising capacity to get things done, but either because of the concurrent use of ASM or because the effect on her is not quite the same as on me - or likely the two facts together - the thing she is not exactly driven but motivated to do - move to Lincolnshire - I believe is something she herself - in her own personality, as it were: bearing in mind my view that these drugs can in any reasonable use of words alter people’s personality - wants to do. One can naturally understand what motivation she would have, drugs or no drugs: to want to move back to the land of her birth of which she has happy (although vague) memories (eg of travelling with her parents along leafy country lanes); this involving making a home the two of us unconnected with anything in the individual adult past of either of us. She would in Lincolnshire be living in a more rural setting than at Kingswinford, which she would like better on that account.
The question I suppose arises of whether decisions one takes are the right decisions. For example my decision to buy the Amilo Pro, although at the time I’m sure I was under the influence of a stimulant, it seems to have been a correct decision. The decision to translate myself up and down the country between Bristol and Retford quite so much it is more difficult to regard as a correct decision. In general people - in a free society - take decisions for themselves (in consultation with their families) and if they turn out to have been wrong in some sense they learn to do better in future. Mind-altering drugs unfortunately can interfere with this natural way of going on. In myself, for example, ASM interferes with the learning process (as well as with the quantity of information available to me through well-resolved perception and general awareness) with no offsetting benefit from clarifying my thinking by removing the distraction of irrelevant associations (which I presume must be the benefit genuine schizophrenics derive, including removing the distraction of hallucinations). It is possible that in Dawn’s case removing distractions of this type and at the same time - with amphetamine - improving the internal organisation of her thinking is a benefit to her. I would guess that should we pursue some line of action which turns out problematic - say we took on a house in Lincolnshire which put us in the way of noxious neighbours - she would do better on this combination of drugs than without them, that is she would be more resilient in the face of adversity and in particular would be less likely to blame herself - or me come to that - and more likely to try to find a practical solution.
04/05/07 15:20 In Kingswinford
After the above I ate a bowl of cereal with I think milk bought at Wragby Co-op and we set off from Trowell soon after 7 am. What was in my mind was to avoid being in the rush hour round Birmingham, so what I intended - and what we did - was to proceed to Tamworth and rest up there until after 9 am. Before leaving Trowell I put £20-worth of diesel in and at Dawn’s request bought her some chewing gum. A few miles along the road - the M1 south from Trowell - the engine faltered and cut out. I was able to pull onto the hard shoulder but this was a learning experience: next time I shall be sure to pull right over to the left of the hard shoulder, as it was rather disturbing that lorries whistled past so close to the driver’s side.
I tried to start up again and the oil warning light came on, although I think this was a mere fluctuation as the engine cut out again. Nonetheless after a few minutes for the engine to cool slightly I got out the passenger side, raised the bonnet and checked the oil. The level seemed well up.
After a few more minutes I started up again, and as the engine faltered I pressed down on the accelerator pedal: after a few seconds the engine seemed to be firing more or less properly and we were able to proceed. As I say, at Tamworth we stopped at the services, and on the roundabout at the top of the slip road off the motorway the engine cut out. I believe I had let in the clutch with it in gear, but on the other hand it has cut out again since - as I was manoeuvring in a car park at Brierley Hill - and my conclusion rather than that I am driving particularly badly today is that the engine cuts out more easily than it did. In fact the tickover speed seems different - too fast probably - and what I suspect may have happened is that there was a blockage in the fuel supply stopping us on leaving Trowell and when it cleared - as I revved up on the hard shoulder - it completely cleared what had been an already-existing partial blockage. I base this on the fact that after that we seemed able to get up hills easier in fifth gear than usually we have been able to on a stretch of motorway we have driven many times in the ’van. What I’m thinking is that as the fuel supply is now more open than it was the tickover speed needs adjusting.
At Tamworth services I drank a cup of coffee made with the last of the Wragby milk and checked the oil level again after the engine had had longer to cool than before. Again the oil level seemed if anything too high.
Dawn said at this stage that she could hardly keep her eyes open, and on leaving Tamworth about 9.10 am she said she felt tired. The most likely thing she took which may have contained drugs this morning was Evian water we have had for a while. We got back here to the bungalow about 10 am, and she drank a cup of coffee made with tapwater. We had a bath and left here in the ’van for our appointment with the psychiatric Social Worker about 11.15 am, delayed slightly as Dawn had a sudden need to empty her bowels. I myself had done so in the ’van at Tamworth and produced a lot of wind. I have done so again this afternoon again with a lot of wind. It seems to me that the feeling of fullness inviting one to empty the bowels but without any looseness and also involving a lot of wind must be a feature of barbiturate. Dawn sometimes feels a need to empty her bowels but then doesn’t find it that easy to do so, and I think this is probably an effect of barbiturate (or alternatively as I used to think of stimulant combined with ASM). I would think of barbiturate as having what I once described as a ‘mid-range’ effect on the bowels [see Friday 16 March 2007], of promoting evacuation but not promoting the digestion which should precede evacuation, and probably combining stimulant with ASM in certain proportions can produce the same effect but then worse, causing me in the past soreness and occasionally bleeding at the rear end.
After we had seen the psychiatric Social Worker - who seemed almost disappointed that I had no problems to report - we went shopping at Asda Brierley Hill. Arrived home we had lunch of tuna (Dawn) and salmon (me) with bread and marg, and cranberry juice (Dawn) bought at Asda Brierley Hill and milk (me) bought there as well. After that Dawn was still very tired - although stressing more than tiredness the tendency of her eyes to close, from which I conclude it was not sleepiness of any natural kind - and I too was rather lacking energy (down to barbiturate in both our cases, I feel sure - presumably from the Wragby milk interfered with since purchase in my case) so we went to bed. I woke up just before starting this entry at 15:20 and Dawn is now (04/05/07 15:54) getting up.
04/05/07 16:00
As we were driving after Trowell I felt slightly unhappy in my mind, but I couldn’t exactly say what the problem was. I thought it might be the effect of the stressful idea of moving home once again - which I wrote some notes about (that is about Dawn’s motivation in that regard) at Trowell [see above] - and I think basically that was it, but possibly exaggerated through the effects of drugs possibly drugs additional to the barbiturate I am sure we have both suffered (but if so, these other drugs in an almost negligible dosage). Indeed I have been wondering what the point would be of giving us barbiturate on its own - because if stimulant for example had been included for previously guessed reasons (trying to assess the effect of stimulant and ASM combined) the only reason I can imagine why Dawn has been so knocked out is that she has been free of drugs for a day or more at the park home (as I myself was, I’m sure) and now resuming them the effect of the barbiturate sedative is immediate whereas the amphetamine or related stimulant takes a while to build up in the system, in the dosages given.
Anyway, returned to the bungalow the stress - as I took it to be - lifted somewhat, although the effect was not so marked as on previous occasions when I was affected by stronger dosages of ASM (possibly combined with stimulant) causing sometimes (on those previous occasions) undeniable although very mild depressed mood or rather (on arrival in Kingswinford) a lifting of such depressed mood. Returned now from our visit to Brierley Hill - itself I suppose a source of slight additional ‘stress’, as is my problematic ear (and by ‘stress’ really I mean increased processing requirement) - I feel much more able to relax with comforts I have mentioned before (which it’s true one could easily get used to in another similar place): such as central heating, constant hot water, TV and broadband internet. (Speaking of hot water: I found I derived considerably more comfort from relaxing into a hot bath than for years; which I put down to facts in the physical universe now playing a much greater role in my feeling of well-being or otherwise than is played by drugs in my system.)
04/05/07 19:11
I am now feeling so good - so relaxed in fact - the good feeling set off apparently by hearing the song Enola Gay by OMD (Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark when I first knew them) and comparable only in recent years to good feelings I had - the problem of being imprisoned and separated from Dawn notwithstanding - when in hospital in autumn 2005 on hearing familiar music at a time (I conjecture) when I had stopped being given stimulant drugs and had not been started on antischizophrenic drugs: so good I say that I wonder whether a rebound after recent barbiturate of anxiety has now come to an end (this anxiety I mean explaining what earlier I represented as stress). The implication would be that my lack of energy earlier leading me to go to bed was part of a fluctuating withdrawal effect affecting sleep and was not due to more barbiturate ingested today.
05/05/07 04:56 [Saturday]
I must have been up twenty minutes now, and I am slow to get going but not in a way involving lagging of the seriatim. (I have had problems now with my left ear, in which I have put Cerumol additional to that I put in about two weeks ago. Also my right ear is still not as it should be.) My guess - especially as after the faint euphoria I reported yesterday evening my mood later declined and life seemed a bit empty - is that I did in fact yesterday take in a mild dosing of drugs, the usual mixture in fact involving barbiturate (the reason for my slowness this morning), amphetamine and ASM. Dawn became very agitated yesterday evening an hour or two after drinking her second cup of coffee of the day made with tapwater, and argued with completely lacking logic in disfavour of the author of one schizophrenia-related blog I was catching up on. From what I could observe myself as I was falling asleep, in bed she was as if wide awake most of the time but sleep supervening in snatches (presumably of increasing duration), rather as I have described the effect on myself waking up of (I thought) barbiturate but (I now think) barbiturate acting against a powerful stimulant.
06/05/07 05:37 [Sunday]
I have got up within the past ten minutes and without the slowness to get going of recent mornings have turned on the central heating and am now waiting for water to boil to make coffee. I got up only once during the night to pass water at about 3 am, and don’t clearly remember what was going through my mind at that time - eg whether I was asking myself if I was ready to get up - from which I conclude I was not fully awake - that is seriatim self-observation was not fully awake - but was going through the routine of going to the toilet with higher processes still inactive. Likewise on reflection the routine I have gone through now on getting up - put my dressing gown on, turn on the central heating as I said and put water on to boil - has not required the involvement of the higher processes. I conclude from this that there has been slight lagging of the seriatim in waking up. But on the other hand I think it has been a natural lagging and not drug-induced: not for example so far-gone and extended that I have performed actions on waking up suggested to me by voices in my sleep and moreover soon forgotten exactly what actions I have performed - eg what drugged drinks I have taken - as has been the case sometimes in the past eg in the months preceding Christmas. What I conclude rather is that on recent mornings the lower processes have lagged unnaturally - presumably because of barbiturate in my system - and the seriatim has got going early in comparison with lower processes (possibly implying the concurrent action of amphetamine). Thus woken during the night to go to the toilet - frequently, because of the drugs acting - on these previous occasions my seriatim has worried itself over the decision whether then to get up. In fact I remember mentioning on at least one occasion feeling responsible for deciding whether to get up and for consequences which might follow from having had too few hours of sleep.
In recent weeks the rests in bed I have had - sometimes in the daytime as well as at night - which I have said have not been proper sleep and have not refreshed me properly - have I conclude been rests in which the lower processes were stilled - presumably by barbiturate - but the concurrent use of amphetamine meant that introspective self-observation was not entirely stilled in sleep, this resulting in the feeling that I was not properly asleep. I don’t know when I last took in any drugs, but in recent nights - I mentioned it last Wednesday night into Thursday, and Friday night into Saturday it was evident although I don’t think I mentioned it then - I remembered having had dreams for the first time in weeks or months. My presumption here is that since Wednesday I have been in a period of withdrawal of barbiturate with rebound increase in the hours of dreamtime at night. Last Tuesday (1 May 2007) on the drive from Kingswinford to north Nottinghamshire we took a break in which we both slept, and I was not sure that it was not a natural sleep. I conclude that I have been in withdrawal from drugs since the end of April: whether I have taken in any at all in May (the Authorities attempting to ease the withdrawal) or whether I have taken none I cannot be sure. It appears as far as I can tell that Dawn is still taking in drugs, presumably via the tapwater. There may have been drugs in some of the things I have taken - coffee granules I chucked on the morning of Tuesday 1 May 2007, and possibly grapefruit juice of which I drank some at the park home since the start of May - and it is as if the Authorities invited me to decide whether to continue taking such drugs - the implication may even have been that they were available by shopping at Somerfield Stourbridge eg for grapefruit juice - feeling I might enjoy the effects or feel some benefit, and realising I suppose that I cannot indefinitely be tricked into taking drugs - because I can choose drinks or indeed all foods from busy stores chosen using a random number if it comes to it. I am more inclined to believe in this scenario - an invitation extended via ‘hypnotising’ voices at night to decide whether to continue to reject drugs - because of the coincidence of the cessation of the drugging with the end of April. I suppose that’s not entirely logical as surely the Authorities’ timetable need not adhere closely to the date on the calendar, but it is a way of thinking I have felt inclined to certainly since I was incarcerated on 1 March 1984 that is on 1st of the month.
In fact it may be that through the month of April just gone genuine amphetamine has been made available - starting with an introduction by the parents of the boys from High Wycombe at the start of April - to see what the effects were and what I had to say about the effects and whether I would want to continue taking the stuff (or indeed countenance Dawn taking it). I have reported the effects and my theorising based on the effects since the beginning of April.
06/05/07 06:25
I mention that I have just drunk a mug of coffee made with granules bought yesterday at Somerfield Stourbridge and water bought there too, the water having been in use later on yesterday too. (I bought two bottles of water - each 1.5l I think - of different brands, and the Volvic brand bottle has now been used up.)
I did wonder yesterday if there were drugs - stimulant plus ASM at least - at a very low dosage in milk we were drinking (Asda milk previously suspect) because I did feel somewhat more energetic after drinking some but later less energetic. However I noticed no feelings of emptiness or depressed mood when the energy seemed to have worn itself out, and as regards possible physical effects I noticed feeling somewhat hot and sweaty when I was energised - but of course I was then moving about carrying stuff to the ’van (in tidying up ready for the sale of the bungalow) - and I did empty my bowels for the second time yesterday, but whether these symptoms were natural rather than drug-related I cannot say but it may well be so. On the other hand in that I have previously this May suspected milk it could be the milk has been drugged to - as I say - ease any withdrawal effects.
On the theory that negative-symptom schizophrenia arises when a schizo type person avoids going into situations where there is a high processing requirement - this behaviour evident in myself in my teenage years and in Dawn (although less so, for which there are various possible explanations mainly based on her not being an only child) in recent years - might it not be that giving such a person stimulant drugs could encourage them to do stuff which is too taxing and could bring on positive symptoms? I half-suspected in the 1980s this was the idea in the Experiment - or at least the knowing risk was taken that I might develop positive symptoms, not from the effect of stimulant drugs within the brain but from my going out more into the world.
I suspect giving sub-amphetamine stimulants does create such a risk. In Dawn one related result of giving such stimulants is ‘rattiness’. However giving genuine amphetamine is a different matter, because the effects within the brain are more significant than effects caused by the physical apparatus going about more and doing more. Giving a susceptible person genuine amphetamine even on a desert island where they could not over-tax themselves with too much human company might well produce a psychotic reaction. On the other hand giving genuine amphetamine plus ASM in just the right dosages - to Dawn, specifically - I think need not produce any unfortunate reaction and might (as I keep saying) allow better self-organisation.
06/05/07 06:54
Yesterday afternoon as I implied we went to Stourbridge. We arranged for a carpet to be fitted in the lounge at the bungalow on Tuesday as this is a quicker way to make it presentable to be sold than fitting the parquet floor we had planned.
Yesterday morning Dawn was in bed - the drugs seemingly affecting her in the way they had me early in April, that is knocking her out for much of the day. I myself went back to bed for a while later in the morning yesterday and got perhaps an hour’s more sleep.
In the afternoon on returning from Stourbridge we both became quite energetic, and Dawn was well-organised in doing her part of tidying up the bungalow independently of mine (and we even collaborated to some extent to advantage, although more in planning what was later to be done than in actually working together). I conclude most likely the drugs affecting Dawn then were benefiting her (the alternative being that drug effects had worn off, but I think this less likely).
06/05/07 07:24
I conclude from the sudden ease with which I have just emptied my bowels and from my suddenly appearing feeling of urgency or almost rush (to get stuff done in general) that the Volvic water contained a very mild dosage of sub-amphetamine stimulant. I would think that any dosage of ASM is negligible, this based on my state of mind last night as the stimulant taken earlier (on this presumption about the Volvic) wore off. However there may have been a drug included with sedative effects, based on my sleepiness when we went to bed.
On the other hand I did suspect my legs were slightly in discomfort yesterday evening - I think this was yesterday evening - from which (including the slight vagueness of memory) I conclude some ASM may well have been included.
I suppose I should bear in mind - based on events earlier in May - that it may be the coffee granules not the water which are drugged.
The reason we ended up going to Somerfield Stourbridge - knowing the risk, really, especially later on a Saturday when not many genuine shoppers were there - was basically Dawn’s tiredness earlier in the day. Once again sedative and ASM effects tend to make it difficult to resist a continuation of the same.
Another mild effect I can now with certainty blame on drugs is nasal congestion - yesterday evening and now.
06/05/07 08:48
I now feel hot and bothered but not so much in a physical sense, rather in a sense of feeling angry urgency. Part of this is a feeling which might be called desperate to avoid being drugged in future, and in particular in the immediate future. And tied up with this is a finding of reasons why any way of procuring safe coffee and water - also noting other food items may be the source of the trouble, notably milk: but water one cannot avoid using for some things to do with preparing food - might not work. For example, it now appears likely to me that all bottled water on sale yesterday at Somerfield Stourbridge was drugged in the store, and from the significant increase of drug effects on me I detect since drinking coffee just now made with milk which previously (the milk) did not produce significant effects, I conclude likely all Nescafé - or at least all 100g jars - on sale there yesterday was also drugged. I fear therefore that shopping this morning at Asda Merry Hill may not be satisfactory - especially given that it is a Bank Holiday weekend Sunday - and in particular - based on previous experience with Asda Merry Hill - all bottled water there today may be drugged. The only way I could feel sure of procuring safe water would be to buy it from a randomly selected store. Even deciding on such a store myself - that is not using a mechanical way of randomising - seems risky, considering the possibility of ‘hypnosis’. This exaggerated presumption I shall fail to procure safe coffee and water - or that I shall suffer drugging nonetheless, from other foods - seems to me to be related to the urgency I feel to achieve the avoidance of drugs, and this urgency of course is only partly attributable to actual unpleasant effects I have suffered since yesterday. It is in fact a result of stimulant drugs acting on me now. (Not only is the urgency required for me to presume I shall fail, of course, but also the contribution from ASM also clearly affecting me, which in terms I have worked out before reduces my feeling of certainty in calculating some plan to avoid drugs, as well as probably more generally reducing my serotonin and thereby increasing my pessimism.) (On the other hand being certain I understand the mechanisms involved is a help in setting aside fear that I shall fail in perpetuity: as I used to fear I should be inescapably medicated in perpetuity for other reasons than experimentation.)
I have had ideas - which could be called paranoid, but yet they have some validity I am sure - to the effect that it would suit the Authorities for us to tie up a large proportion of our funds in a house in Lincolnshire, as I could then less readily resist drugging - for example supergluing banknotes to seal containers of water would be costly if the sealed reserve needed frequently to be called on - but we would not have wasted the funds tied up. It is Dawn’s wish to move to Lincolnshire - as it was her choice which led me to purchase a 100g jar of Nescafé yesterday - so in effect I am at risk - of being drugged against my wishes - to the extent that I am susceptible to persuasion from her. While I can be made susceptible to persuasion from nighttime ‘advisers’ I need to be drugged less - or even not at all - to be susceptible to persuasion from Dawn. In other words it takes more motivation - worse drug effects - or more urgency from stimulant drugs - and as now if combined with ASM that produces more bluster than action - to result in my going against her wishes.
Putting it like that - that the stimulant effect on my now causes me to feel undue urgency (compared against the degree of actual unpleasure I am suffering I mean from the drugs) - how should I assess what to do, that is what steps to take - and how strongly to prosecute them - to avoid drugging? As I have said, these drugs pervert one’s decision making and thereby - temporarily one hopes - one’s personality.
What I am feeling basically is a mild form of frustration. I feel urgency to avoid drugging but I cannot surely work out how to - and make a lot of noise (that is words written here) in trying to work it out but to no avail - and frustration in itself is an unpleasure, but as I say thankfully nowadays - now in fact - it is only mild.
I will just mention - before I go to the toilet again - that now plans are forming themselves in my mind involving definite subdivisions - that is lists. For example to randomly select a store to buy water from I need a definite list of stores. Furthermore so that they cannot all be got at it needs to be a longish list, and the number of stores easily accessible in Lincolnshire is less than the number accessible from Kingswinford - especially those open on a Sunday - bearing in mind of course that our vehicle may become defective. (Again it is to be noted I am stressing the downside - presumably because of lowered serotonin levels. On the other hand subjectively I do not feel depressed - presumably because of the contribution from the stimulant.)
10:51. We have arrived at Asda Merry Hill having driven in the ’van. Because they do not open the tills till 11 am, Dawn wanted to walk up the mall looking in the shop windows so of course we did even though as I said it would have suited me to sit - there were free seats outside Asda - checking up on the budget (our benefit has gone into the bank early presumably because of the Bank Holiday). Walking up and then down made me somewhat hot and bothered and tested my temper.
06/05/07 11:36
We have arrived home from Merry Hill having bought fresh coffee granules, two bottles of water (both Asda own brand bottles but different types) and 4l of milk, all chosen using a genuinely random number. Dawn is drinking the old coffee (granules bought yesterday, I mean) with tapwater, and I have to say seemed somewhat impatient when we had to wait at Asda for the tills to open at 11 am. However she was not vehement nor really vocal in expressing her impatience, it being more internal as one would expect on the basis that genuine amphetamine was the stimulant at the root of it. Also she soon sweetened, and although explosions of violence under amphetamine I’m sure can be strong, I would think a lot of continuous frustration needs to build up to produce them (as in my own case in November 1980, and even then I was not genuinely violent against persons but was in rather the same condition as Dawn was the time in 2005 - about the beginning of April that year I think, just after drugging presumably of the water supply at Retford and Bristol and possibly the house in Worksop was resumed - when she chucked stuff about in my study at the Worksop house).
06/05/07 14:12
I have just been in bed asleep for over an hour. I am a bit suspicious - and irritated as a result of incomplete knowledge and incomplete memory - wondering what it is sent me to sleep, and presuming indeed that it must have been the coffee I drank earlier based on granules and water bought this morning at Asda Merry Hill. My memory unfortunately is incomplete in that I would have expected to wake up with a definite belief in my mind that it was that coffee which sent me to sleep. In fact only as I am waking up properly am I considering surely it must have been that coffee. The sleep itself was not unpleasant, and I think must have been associated with some more modern sedative agent than barbiturate. I presume the sleep I had in the ’van last Tuesday on the way to north Nottinghamshire must have been the same: I said at the time that I found it refreshing in a way recent drugged sleeps had not been (and on the basis of that presumed it was a natural sleep, at the time).
Also before I fell asleep this morning - and my memory is confused but I believe it was after I drank the coffee - I drank milk bought this morning at Asda. It seems less likely though that the milk would be drugged, for reasons given previously. There were rows and rows of bottles of milk to choose from and as I said I used a truly random number.
I remember now - possibly the effect on my memory is only temporarily on its availability - that as I was falling asleep this morning I felt I might not in fact be going to sleep. In other words I could not so well detect the state of my mind as regards sleepiness. This ties in with the sleeping medication being a modern one with a quick effect on lower processes specific to sleeping.
06/05/07 15:27
Over lunch - immediately after the above - I drank another mug of the same coffee that is made with the same granules bought at Asda this morning and the same water bought there too. Dawn drank another mug of her coffee - granules from Somerfield Stourbridge yesterday plus tapwater. I felt the need to lie down again afterwards and Dawn said she felt tired and would lie down too. She in fact went to sleep for twenty minutes or so. I was talking to her - awake and asleep - using a lot of words indicating to me a ‘truth-drug’ effect. My best guess now is that the sleep I had this morning was in fact caused by a short-acting barbiturate in the Asda milk I used for my second mug of coffee before going out this morning. As I was waking up about 2 pm I felt slightly angry - as I do often on waking from a barbiturate sleep when amphetamine or related stimulant has been admixed, and further my memory was defective, an effect I associate especially with ‘truth-drug’ barbiturates. The quantity of speech I produced this afternoon relaxed in bed with Dawn would have been generated by the stimulant and enabled by the residual effects of the short-acting ‘truth-drug’ barbiturate. Now I am in an energised condition blameable on the stimulant.
I can’t believe the Asda milk was drugged when bought on Friday from Brierley Hill. The only time since when it could have been contaminated was yesterday afternoon when we went to Stourbridge. I also mention that this afternoon I have had a slight akathisia-type effect which further convinces me the drugs acting this morning are the same as were acting yesterday evening - but at a higher dosage yesterday - and that means most likely from the Asda milk taken both yesterday evening and this morning.
06/05/07 18:40
I have had symptoms this afternoon of a stimulant drug - excited behaviour as well as activity of the bowels (I think I have emptied my bowels three times today) and a hoarse throat - and I find it difficult to blame them on the milk. It is still possible though that they are due to the milk, late appearing because earlier appearance was masked by the short-acting sedative presumed to be a barbiturate. This syndrome is much the same as I had in the last few days of April, when also I was convinced there was a ‘truth-drug’ in the milk but wasn’t sure whence the stimulant and ASM derived. There have been no signs of ASM later this afternoon and only very mild akathisia-type effects earlier this afternoon. It may be - especially given the marked nature of the stimulant-driven excitement (which however one might explain based on a lack of build-up day by day as I seemed entirely to avoid drugs a few days ago) - that the ASM component has been reduced to a quite negligible dosage.
I have drunk no more milk since this morning - then in coffee made with milk - because of the drug effects almost certainly blameable on the milk. Dawn has been drinking milk however, and one’s presumption must be that when we went out to Asda the milk left in the fridge would have been got at and drugged with the drugs usual (it is evident) recently in milk. I have continued to drink coffee made with granules and water bought today at Asda although I am having doubts now because I wonder if there are drugs in the coffee causing the effects which I said above probably could not be blamed on the milk.
There is a trailer on TV from time to time in which it is said one cannot induce someone through a hypnotic directive to commit murder. Therefore I have been thinking again - as I was on Sunday 4 June 2006 and at other times over the past two or three years - about responsibility if given drugs and/or hypnotised. In particular, because of the subjectively pleasurable aspects of the stimulant effects I was thinking along the lines that I have done my best to avoid drugs - going to the trouble of buying fresh coffee granules and bottled water from Asda today - and if the coffee (granules or water used) does contain drugs perhaps I should just give in to the insistence of the Authorities. This would be like a pusher giving free samples of heroin - pressing them on the punters - in order to stimulate demand, and the punters ‘giving in’ and eventually becoming dependent. Likewise in the case in question I would fear addiction effects which I have described before of a combination of stimulant and ASM where the short-term alleviation due to the stimulant of unpleasant ASM effects caused me in past years to continue taking the drugs. I certainly cannot trust the Authorities to know what they are about satisfactorily and they might even still be intent on inducing me to take drugs continuously against by own will. Indeed they trick me into taking drugs from time to time even though I do make efforts - which as I say I was now questioning - to evade doing so.
I must say the ASM which must in fact be present is coming to the fore with the result that I am rambling somewhat and not having much of a feeling of satisfaction with my own ideas or presentation. Also there are other unpleasant symptoms whether depending on an admixture of ASM or not which reduce the draw of the drugs I seem to be invited to take so there is not an exact parallel to the free heroin case.
06/05/07 21:40
I have just drunk another mug of the coffee (made with granules and water bought today at Asda Merry Hill) having had some thoughts on whether the relative absence presently - or rather before I drank that latest coffee - of effects was due to drugs at a very low dosage more or less having worn off or alternatively to the cancelling-out of effects of mutually counteractive drugs. I took into account symptoms Dawn presents when she seems to be under the influence of counteractive drugs, after a number of days of effects accumulating. I must say I seem now to be developing a slight dull headache, since drinking the coffee.
06/05/07 21:52
It seems incontrovertible that the coffee (the granules or the water) contains the drugs, as I have been behaving markedly more excitably since drinking it. I would guess that it is the water which contains the drugs, and what must have happened was when it was seen we were going to be shopping at Asda Merry Hill the front rows of all the bottles of water for sale - or all the large bottles - would be substituted for the duration of our visit. This means it is indeed very difficult to avoid the drugs. I could try selecting my random bottle from a random row instead of always from the front row. I could pursue the ideas I had this morning when I was arguing with myself in fact how difficult it is to avoid drugs, along the lines of preparing a list of stores from which to buy bottled water, that is randomly selected from the shelves of a randomly selected store. Evidently any store we are known to frequent is got at and preparations put in hand when we are seen to be going to shop there. What is really required is a lot of stores close together, so that our approach would not reveal which we intended to shop at. Perhaps if we bought bottled water in Birmingham - say once a week - and then protected the bottles with a banknote seal or twenty-four hour video recording or something. But as I said these avoidance measures are - or would be - very onerous, and simply giving in one would be able incontrovertibly to argue that any results of the drugging were the Authorities’ responsibility. However they have shown themselves perfectly willing to take responsibility for atrocious acts such as detaining us for months at a time. That’s the possible future consequences of the drugging additional to the short-term unpleasure - headache etc - and distraction preventing me from doing freely what other than The Experiment I would be doing - character recognition programming now and working for money over past years.
07/05/07 04:20 [Bank Holiday Monday]
When I looked at the clock having woken up quite suddenly - that is over a period of two or three minutes and then instantly ready to go, this suggesting to me that stimulant effects are predominating (which surprises me as my libido seems actually reduced) - it was 4 am on the dot. It is possible the quick awakening was suggested by voices in my sleep the effect of them being more significant than the effect of any stimulant drug; I suppose if voices off had told me what routine to follow on getting up there might be no evident slowness to get going; this hypothesis is somewhat supported by the fact that now - the advice from the nighttime voices presumably only extending so far - I am becoming more tired. Furthermore the extent of the ASM effect may be measured in the fact that I am underreacting to the coincidence of its being exactly 4 am when I woke up. As I was waking up I noted - with some dismay - that there are no drinks in the house which I can feel sure are undrugged. I have drunk a mouthful of the second bottle of water from Asda bought yesterday. What I told myself was that although it would be much more pleasant to drink hot coffee, I could perhaps determine if it is the water or the coffee granules which contain the drugs. However on the basis that there was little immediately obvious effect from my last mug of coffee yesterday evening - this implying that ASM had built up in my system, subduing any noticeable effect from stimulants taken (where earlier in the day such effects had been undeniably noticeable) - I could take in drugs this morning - eg from this mug of water - and not particularly notice them.
Another thing which went through my mind was the question of whether if indeed all those bottles of water on sale at Asda yesterday were drugged, there were mechanisms in place to stop an innocent shopper buying one. If I administered this water to an innocent person - say a member of Dawn’s family as it’s difficult to think of any other category of person - might they suffer, perhaps in such a way as to give the Authorities pause in supplying drugged water to me (this all on the assumption it is the water which is drugged)? In what way have I suffered from taking in these drugs yesterday? Well, as I said, the most obvious effect presumably blameable on the drugs was reduced libido. And from what I read most antischizophrenic drugs do have this side-effect to a significant degree, and hence I would presume in the quantities I took yesterday the average person would be affected (and it isn’t just my sensitivity, I mean). If it is true that all those bottles of water were drugged, then I should be able to procure a large quantity of drugged water. Come to that if the tapwater is drugged - and it seems to me the effects of the tapwater on Dawn imply the dosage in the tapwater must be higher than in the bottled water - I should be able to procure a fair quantity from the tap.
Thinking further though, it isn’t easy to see how I could induce people to take drink from me, except perhaps visitors at the park home which basically means Dawn’s son and his girlfriend. And if I could induce innocent people to take drugged drink from me, it wouldn’t be the end of the world from anybody’s point of view. Evidently experiments are done in which healthy volunteers are given for example Haloperidol, and they suffer effects for a short while but the effects wear off. No doubt they are paid for their trouble, as Dawn and I are not; but the main problem Dawn and I face is continuous administration of such drugs over an extended period.
One solution which might work - but would impoverish my life - would be for me to give up my preference for coffee and buy and drink randomly selected drinks from the shelves of supermarkets. Clearly not all drinks - all the cans of stimulant drinks, all the bottles of pop and all cans of beer for example - are going to be drugged even at a single supermarket such as Asda Merry Hill. In fact, only rarely (if ever) would all bottles of milk on sale be drugged: this scenario did seem to obtain on a recent occasion at the Spar round the corner from the bungalow however so one would need to randomly select the place of purchase of the milk if one was relying on milk.
Thinking so clearly as this I find it difficult to believe I am in fact significantly drugged at present. The seeming reduction in libido might be explained as a reaction after recent elevation of libido. The distraction into thinking on these matters - instead of my preferred topics such as character recognition - one might explain as based on the threat I feel of repetition of what I have suffered in the past: yesterday evening I mentioned my fear that if I could be induced to take drugs whose dosage was increased in such a way that I didn’t really notice the build-up, I might again find myself behaving in such a way as to make detention a feasible possibility for the Authorities - or rather psychiatrists with the blessing of the Authorities - to impose on me. And as before the legal structures could be perverted so that Dawn was removed as my nearest relative.
Looking back at what I wrote yesterday (eg the 08:48 entry): then I was paranoid in a different way from today (above) which latter is not genuine paranoia, but simply a note of things to be feared, such as false detention with fraudulent removal of Dawn as my nearest relative, based on events of the past. I am in fact quite optimistic above in saying how I might avoid drugs: they do not seem at all inescapable. Moreover in the above the usual component in my paranoid reactions of fear that I shall not have enough money to defend myself from abuse is totally absent. To follow the route of buying randomly selected drinks instead of adhering to coffee would be very cost-effective; and I do not have the feeling - not strongly anyway - that it is essential for me to be free to drink coffee, and resentment that I might have to forgo coffee.
On this evidence I am inclined to reassess the absence of evident drug effects from coffee drunk later on yesterday, and presume as most likely that the drugs I took in yesterday derived entirely from the milk used in the morning. If I have been subject to voices in my sleep guiding my thoughts now this morning - for example I’m sure the Authorities are interested in the difference between my fearfulness this morning (as you might call it) compared against the genuine paranoia I suffer when drugged with certain combinations of drugs - then that would have been enabled by the enduring effect of the barbiturate (presumably) in the milk, this also explaining my sleepiness on getting into bed last night (and possibly the reduction in libido too).
07/05/07 05:32
I can actually well imagine that my weak attempt this morning to fake paranoia - involving ‘getting back’ at other people in the sense of administering drugged drinks to them (although only drugs which Dawn and I are given anyway), considering how to evade being drugged (and in fact although I didn’t mention it, ideas going through my mind of this morning taking off to some randomly selected point of sale to procure, perhaps, coffee) and thinking what I have to fear from being drugged (false imprisonment being top of the list) - might result from an invitation to think in those terms from nighttime advisory voices.
I have no physical symptoms of being drugged at all. I have no hot sweaty feelings and no problem of internal wind or any digestive upset. It’s true I haven’t yet emptied my bowels but that more likely represents an absence of drugs, as indeed does my absent libido. I have had no difficulty - but equally no urgency - in passing water. I seem now to be properly awake (following what I said just after getting up that I was becoming sleepy again, which might well have been a result of voices off waking me just slightly earlier than would have been natural) but not unnaturally alert.
07/05/07 05:58
Looking back again at my notes from yesterday, it seems clear the effects I suffered yesterday started with the milky coffee around 8.30 am and were blameable on drugs in the milk. Presumably the sleep I had before lunch resulted from the stimulant taken in that milk wearing off sufficiently for the sedative - presumably a long-acting barbiturate although I didn’t see it at the time - to come to the fore. There might have been a mild dosage of ASM included - in fact based on my feelings of frustration and corresponding paranoia after drinking the milky coffee I presume there was - giving rise later (around lunch-time as far as I can remember, but more evident the evening before after I had taken more of the milk) to a slight akathisia-type effect. There were no ASM effects this past night, but presumably the continuing action of the long-acting sedative made me somewhat sleepy (with no dreaming that I remember) and quite possibly made me attentive to voices in my sleep. (One must presume somehow the voicers can determine how sedated we are and how much risk can be taken of waking us up.)
I cannot hear at all clearly because of wax (still) in my ears, so possibly no nighttime voices were effective. I might still have been woken up unnaturally at 4 am exactly - so that after getting up I briefly felt tired again - by some commotion but not containing interpretable words.
07/05/07 06:35
I suppose the scenario of all bottled water at a supermarket being switched on occasions we appeared to be approaching is just about believable on a Sunday (or perhaps late on a Saturday preceding a Bank Holiday Monday) - particularly if through ‘hypnosis’ we could be induced to go to a particular supermarket at around a certain time - but it is not believable in the case of a busy supermarket on a busy day, for the reason that the shelf-stackers would get in the way of the legitimate shoppers too much. Therefore (it is to be hoped) even in Lincolnshire by going into Lincoln (by bus should our vehicle fail) such a busy supermarket could be found. As regards weekends I suppose the thing to do would be procure water for the weekend on a Friday - a busy shopping day - or early in the day on Saturday, and either not let it out of one’s sight or set up unbreachable means of preventing or at least detecting illicit access.
I am now drinking a mug of black coffee made with the granules and water (from the second bottle) bought yesterday at Asda.
Dawn drank milk later on yesterday than I did. I think she drank it last at tea-time (about 6 pm?) and although it was milk bought yesterday at Asda on recent experience it might have been got at, eg when we went out to the tip about 4 pm. (Looking at the bottle now, quite a fair proportion of the 4l has gone, so it must have been used earlier yesterday too.) Dawn also drank her coffee made with tapwater (and I’m still uncertain about the status from time to time of the tapwater, although I am certain it is capable of being drugged).
07/05/07 06:54
I feel I should make a renewed effort to get the Medion on the internet via Blueyonder Broadband.
07/05/07 07:33
Windows Professional is now installing on the Medion, and because I have doubts about the legality of it if it works I shall then re-consider matters - eg whether I might buy another version of Windows, Professional or Vista, putting the cost down to the Authorities’ interference. Getting a bit bored - specifically with the idea of reading through my diary entries for yesterday and so far today in preparation for updating my website - (almost what I would otherwise have called yawnative) I went out to the ’van and, the engine now being cold, checked the oil level. I have put in some oil and will check the level again in a while.
07/05/07 08:45
The Medion still will not get onto the internet via Blueyonder. Also it appears to me the Windows Professional installation proceeded differently - or rather had different results - from when I did it on the Amilo Pro. Most likely the install disc I used - a copy I made myself, or apparently so - has been exchanged. What I ought to do is check its behaviour now on the Amilo Pro, that is re-install the Amilo Pro system. But I don’t think I have time and energy at present. I have eaten a scrambled egg made with milk and have had some urinary urgency, but not much stimulant drug is acting - certainly as yet - to create urgency in computer-related tasks.
The fact of the Medion failing in this way causes me to have to puzzle what to do about it. And it seems very likely that the problem has been deliberately created. In effect the Authorities are making work for me, but - my usual complaint - I am not getting paid. With the Amilo Pro, for example: ultimately all the methods I have for re-creating an unflawed system on it might be whittled away - starting it seems with this copy of the XP Professional install media. I shall of course hope to prevent such an eventuality, but the power of the Authorities - as far as I can tell, not knowing what regulations and legal framework limit their activities - is such that they could easily defeat my attempts. They could steal all copies of the recovery media and system backups. They could come to that physically damage - or internally corrupt - the Amilo Pro itself, as they did the E-machines laptop I had in 2005 (smashing its screen). To resist all this is a burden, and as I say, I do not know what the rules are and presume any resistance could be rendered futile.
Still, I do not give up - as with reserpine say I might - and become inactive. I continue to enjoy the use of the Amilo Pro - while disbenefiting from the unavailability of an internet connection for the Medion, should Dawn want to go on the internet. I try as far as is reasonable - given the threats I perceive and the difficulty or otherwise of resisting them, these assessments perverted from time to time by drugs (investigation of which I presume is a major interest of the Authorities, but still it doesn’t seem entirely fair that my enjoyment of life is interfered with without paying me) - to ensure a continuation of the facilities I have, such as broadband access. But for example at any time the Virgin Media service could fail, or pretence could be made specifically for us that it has failed, and I do ask myself if there’s any way I could avoid such frustration (specifically by terminating our use of it in any case). If I had no computer (taking the argument further) I wouldn’t have work to do to ensure it keeps working despite infringements by the Authorities.
What I am talking about is whether to give up the struggle - to do this, that or the other and in particular computer work. Given antischizophrenic drugs I would - and did - give up the struggle, because of the effect of these drugs in stilling activity and in particular mental activity.
I must say with a lot of money one would not need to consider giving up in order to avoid possible frustration. If a computer failed one would buy another (probably in fact have several in reserve, as I do myself I know, but still of the two here in Kingswinford one is defective in its internet connection, so I would need several in reserve). Thinking further though, even with a lot of money if one remained in Britain the absence in some fields of satisfactory competition - for example a true second-string telecommunications supplier in most areas, as the supposed competitors to BT have to buy in services including use of the actual phone lines across the country from BT - would mean the Authorities - who have a lot of government backing evidently - could stymie me. As I say, I do not know what rules regulate them, but they seem unfair rules. I cannot see that I benefit in any way from The Experiment, and I disbenefit by being distracted from what otherwise I would be doing. However, I continue putting up my website, and I don’t believe it is some strong hypnotic thrall causing me to persist with it: I think I derive pleasure from doing it. Almost certainly though I would derive the same pleasure without The Experiment to write about. I would write about my doings from day to day, my theorisings and of course character recognition. The assessment to be made is whether, if I temporarily deprived myself of the pleasure of my website (naturally The Experiment plays such a big role in our lives I could not continue the website without dwelling on The Experiment while it is in being), I might bring The Experiment to an end in such a time that I could then resume my website not having suffered too much from the temporary deprivation.
On the bright side I do seem quite successfully to avoid being much drugged these days.
07/05/07 11:22
We have been clearing the living room here at the bungalow to make way for the carpet fitter who is expected first thing tomorrow. I note that I feel noticeably less rushed than when affected by stimulant drugs - certainly sub-amphetamine stimulants - and the most significant way I notice it in physical terms is in the absence of hot and sweaty feelings (even though literally speaking I am sweating). I take this to imply that my bodily temperature regulation mechanism is functioning properly, a thing I recall commenting on the other week in Skegness when (as far as I could ascertain) any drug effects had worn off.
07/05/07 11:50
Yesterday I had this to say in relation to milk drunk the preceding day before we went to Somerfield in Stourbridge during which outing I conjecture the milk (and whether it was the same bottle of milk already suspect I don’t know) was drugged additionally:
I did wonder yesterday if there were drugs - stimulant plus ASM at least - at a very low dosage in milk we were drinking (Asda milk previously suspect) because I did feel somewhat more energetic after drinking some but later less energetic. However I noticed no feelings of emptiness or depressed mood when the energy seemed to have worn itself out, and as regards possible physical effects I noticed feeling somewhat hot and sweaty when I was energised - but of course I was then moving about carrying stuff to the ’van (in tidying up ready for the sale of the bungalow) - and I did empty my bowels for the second time yesterday, but whether these symptoms were natural rather than drug-related I cannot say but it may well be so. On the other hand in that I have previously this May suspected milk it could be the milk has been drugged to - as I say - ease any withdrawal effects.
The feelings expressed regarding having had energy (‘energised’) but later feeling tired (but not having ‘emp