|
|
. May 2008 .
01/05/08 06:09 [Thursday]
I suppose the essence of my complaint is that I have been given antischizophrenic drugs when I had no need of them, and without adequate checks on dosage or monitoring of effects. Further the people giving me the drugs - or insisting I be given them: for example those giving directions to Bassetlaw psychiatric staff in autumn 2005 - knew I did not need them, they knew I was not schizophrenic, and they gave them - or insisted I be given them - for improper purposes.
Considering this sort of question before, I have been confused because in 2006 the dosages I was suffering actually decreased. This may have been because the dosage I was given in Bassetlaw was higher than it was said to be, and when I started having injections in the Dudley area the dosages were lower.
01/05/08 07:05
Within half an hour of eating a few spoonfuls of Hartley’s marmalade bought recently at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill I feel effects of a stimulant including movement in my bowels after several days constipated [but these effects were only short-lived: note added yesterday under the influence, I now suspect - at 02/05/08 10:56 - of hypnosis].
It was in the early summer of 2004 that I first mentioned my beliefs about an ‘experiment’ to anyone but my parents (except during my treatment under Armond, to one or two of his sidekicks who probably forgot all about it). I think it must have then been taken up by whoever has since been orchestrating the improper drug treatment I have been getting (that is drug treatment including surreptitiously supplied stimulant drugs) represented by a woman I met in Bristol central library in the summer of 2004 and similarly about the same time a man on a train in the Bristol area. There is no doubt at all I was given powerful stimulants that summer, as attested by if nothing else the quantity of the writing I did. I thought it was OK until it led to my detention in September 2004 and conveyance to Bassetlaw by a private security firm I was later told (by a complaints officer at Avon and Somerset Constabulary) had been engaged by some ‘health authority’.
It is my guess that after I ‘ran away’ from Barbara I was invited to get on with Caroline. Unfortunately she assaulted me in May 2004 and although later in the year I ‘felt invited’ (ie by nighttime voicing) to resume my friendship with her I was not able to, and then as I say I was whisked to Bassetlaw. The people I call ‘the Authorities’ I conjecture are a band intent on continuing events of the Socialist early 1980s, and although they are able to give directives to Bassetlaw psychiatrists they seem to know little about the psychology of schizophrenia. They do know how to make use of hypnosis to give instructions (or heavy ‘advice’), if they can use drugs to subdue the one being hypnotised.
01/05/08 07:31
When I phoned Bassetlaw Hospital towards the end of February 2006 (I am just looking at my diary) to complain about being given amphetamine while in CCU there, the man I spoke to seemed not to know that I had been given amphetamine but admitted he could not know for certain that I had not. It is conceivable that people I have complained to (such as the police) originally thought I was lunatic and therefore they would be wasting their time on me. Lately they may have been directed to give me the benefit of the doubt wherever possible, presumably by senior people (possibly senior police officers, perhaps since I wrote to the Nottinghamshire Chief Constable about that incident in Bassetlaw CCU in February 2006). I wonder though what the relationship is between the hypnotisers who ‘advised’ us in Dudley police station yesterday and the hypnotisers in the past (who were criminals if not Socialists and were willing to steal a computer hard disc in August 2005 from the home we had in Worksop).
On the whole I must put my present relatively happy situation down to the difficulty of drugging and hypnotising me secretly in the Dudley area, for the very reasons I preferred it over Bassetlaw: the number of people about and choice of stores to shop at. In June 2007 I did not benefit so well from these facts, as somehow I was hypnotised to take myself off to out-of-the-way places like Blackpole in Worcester to do my shopping. I have of course suffered drugs in foods bought at busy places like Merry Hill, and the stores must have been persuaded in some way that it was right to allow this. Yet on average it is difficult and costly to keep me drugged in this way (and especially now I can with near certainty detect nighttime voicing at home). The thing is, seemingly they only have old-hat advice on schizophrenia, related to a psychological view involving poor self-esteem and so forth (not that anybody other than myself knows much about schizophrenia anyway, seemingly).
01/05/08 09:59
It’s odd the way the mind works, especially when distorted by drugs. When I am free of ASM (lately, in January and February, say) I want to forget the past and have the enjoyment (including the use of my mind) of the present. It may be that the deliberate policy in recent days has been to give me ASM to recall the past to my mind to see what I think appropriate to be done about it (or, if it is already obvious that Armond is guilty to assess the degree of his guilt: but this latter is not exactly it because I believe Armond was not alone responsible, and anyway it may be argued in some quarters that no crime has been committed). Thus, having ingested ASM this morning (either in tapwater retained in a bottle or, much more likely, in Hartley’s marmalade bought recently at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill [or even more likely, administered by the illicit entrants mentioned below]) I was thinking that one definitely specifiable thing I have to complain about is the direction from someone else given at the end of 2005 to Bassetlaw psychiatrists that I must be given - by compulsion - ASM. This has led to the waste of many months out of my life since, as stepping up the dosages as I have explained I resisted less and less, until even though I was grossly underactive (at the start of 2006) - or rather as part and parcel of the underactivity - I ceased to complain and resist, and in the following months had a lot of trouble because I was given stimulants in foods or drinks which I took in unpredictable quantity. (I mention that to counteract the ASM this morning I have taken some honey which I thought I noted to contain a stimulant drug and retained in case it should prove useful.)
I was set on writing a letter of complaint to Bassetlaw Hospital regarding events of my detention that year, and it was in looking for the relevant files of documents that I became severely debilitated by the ASM taken in earlier [in fact by illicit entrants hypnotising me and taking advantage then and there since Dawn had left the doors wide, yesterday Thursday - note added 02/05/08 10:51].
02/05/08 10:01 [Friday]
Free speech is a wonderful thing, and even allowing free speech in the form of hypnotising speech is not too terrible if not potentiated with drugs. (I may have mentioned in my website diary somewhere a debate a few years since whether ‘subliminal’ advertising should be allowed, that is advertising by flashing words or images on the TV screen - or computer screen these days, perhaps - which the viewer is not consciously aware he has seen, or certainly is not certain he has seen.)
In this case instead of banging my head against Sony’s intransigence (as the Socialist Experimenters seemingly expected of me), that is their unwillingness to help me for definite (even simply by stating categorically they were unavailable) in trying to obtain a sound-triggered device such as originally their MP3 recorder as I was set on (they might even have been willing to render assistance by giving information on equivalent or similar devices), I am (not continuing the Sony barrage) able to publish statistics on the speed of replies from companies I complain to about drugs in their foods. Top commendation goes to Walkers Snack Foods Limited whose defective crisps I first returned on 4 March 2008, who replied on 11 March 2008 (although according to Royal Mail my posting to them is still undelivered), and after a follow-up letter from me dated 28 March 2008 sent me £6 in vouchers on 1 April 2008.
Right at the bottom of the list of preferred vendors lies United Biscuits who have a number of addresses in Ashby-de-la-Zouch Leicestershire. I wrote to their McVitie’s arm on 23 April 2008 about defective Penguin chocolate bars. It’s true they replied in a letter dated 24 April 2008 from a Mrs Rhonda Gittins who requested return of the chocolate so that an investigation could be carried out, but I have had the trouble since of explaining that due to the dangers of the drugs in the chocolate I had to get rid of the bars, and am now waiting to hear again from them. Similarly their KP Snacks arm (responsible for McCoy’s crisps) replied to my letter of 25 April 2008 on 28 April 2008 with a request that I contact Consumer Services Coordinator Carol Gleeson to chew the fat.
Top of the list for slow repliers stands Rowse Honey Limited my letter to whom was delivered on Wednesday 23 April 2008 and from whom I have not yet heard back.
After that bit of fun it’s back to work. Here are the records relating to my complaint about assault in Bristol police cells and conveyance to Bassetlaw:
I’d be interested to know if anyone else can show evidence of a Compaq computer which does this:
02/05/08 18:29
What surely must be the case is that Armond and whoever may be associated with him felt responsible for what they genuinely believed to be a mental illness I exhibited from the mid-1980s when I let it be known I had attempted suicide. They felt responsible because they knew I had - for whatever reason - been treated particularly harshly during my first detention from November 1980 to February 1981. I do not know whether that detention was legal in its authorisation, but I do know it was mistakenly founded and what I was actually suffering was an amphetamine psychosis. The reason I am convinced they believe I have been genuinely mental is they cannot have realised I would so carefully keep all the records I have, eg of my detentions and of what happened at Trinity Custody in Bristol in September 2004. Also, they convinced my parents I was genuinely mentally ill.
But as I say, they seem to have even less understanding of mental illness than the common psychiatrist nowadays, and this must be because, like me, they are living in the past and did their training in the Dark Ages. I have been fearful - in recent drug-induced paranoia hopefully put on for the ‘Board of Enquiry’ and not by any ‘security consultants’ for the defence - that my records might be stolen or destroyed, but it strikes me probably those representing my interests have been fearful I myself might destroy them. No way.
03/05/08 02:21 [Saturday]
I have put together a letter to BT regarding our former landline (at the park home).
07/05/08 03:33 [Wednesday]
Over the years I have had unusual notions - theories - as to what has been going on, that is how to explain unusual facts in my life such as the presence of unexpected drugs in what were supposed to be anti-side-effect tablets to counter some of what were agreed to be undesirable properties of antipsychotic depot injections I was having. One effect of antipsychotic drug treatment I was having which was agreed even by Armond to be undesirable (once he came round to believing my report of the effect) was suicidal depression. This ‘side-effect’ I’m sure must have been due to reserpine not to any more conventional depot I was being given. The reason I’m sure is that other ‘side-effects’ at the same time were associated - I read in books on drugs - with reserpine (for example anxiety: what is called ‘paradoxical’ anxiety, meaning it does not include the usual physical symptoms of anxiety in elevated heart rate and blood pressure and so on) and not with the more modern drugs.
Reserpine cannot be given by long-lasting injection and hence I must have been being given it - around the mid-1980s - surreptitiously by mouth. (These questions puzzled me tremendously at the time: for example whether reserpine could in fact be given in a specially developed long-lasting injection format. Bear in mind that my capacity to sort stuff out in my mind was powerfully debilitated by the drugs themselves.)
Then we come to the questions, why was I being given reserpine and why was it being given surreptitiously? The answer to why it was given was that it was because I found the ‘side-effects’ of the conventional modern treatment I was getting (phenothiazine or related drugs) unbearable, and reported this to Armond in complaint after complaint. As so often in the first period he was treating me - up to about the time I ceased to attend the day centre at Barnsley Hall, which was fairly shortly after I reported my suicide attempt about the start of 1986 (the report) - Armond was initially unsympathetic to my complaints. My belief is that the ‘side-effects’ were unbearable because I was being given unusually high dosages. However some patients respond better to high dosages, and any dosage in my case was ‘high’ because I was not in need of antischizophrenic treatment because I was not schizophrenic.
Supposing Armond had genuinely believed - in 1984 say - that I was schizophrenic (and I did have ‘negative’ symptoms such as social avoidance, exacerbated or possibly caused by the drug treatment and mainly by the fact of having been compelled, that is held down by several men in my first period of detention in November 1980 and injected), how did he come to the dosages he was prescribing (causing me unbearable ‘side-effects’ whatever other arguments there were for or against dosages at that level) and why was the unusual step taken of combatting the ‘side-effects’ by including in the drug régime the old-fashioned drug reserpine and moreover not being open about it but administering it surreptitiously by mouth, presumably in the supposed procyclidine anti-side-effect tablets? (My Dad used to collect these tablets for me and I cannot say where he got them.)
At the time - based on effects seemingly related in a proportional way to the quantity of coffee I drank, and taking account of the otherwise unaccountable means used when I was at the day centre to discourage excessive drinking of coffee (barring entry to the room in which the sink and kettle were by locking the door, except at designated times) - I pondered whether the reserpine was delivered in my coffee. (The reason I continued drinking coffee almost to excess, especially the days I was at the day centre, was that life otherwise was entirely empty, and I could not anyway be sure how the reserpine was getting into me. At the day centre I was constantly in a most unpleasantly tense condition, this tension caused by the medication - presumably by the main phenothiazine or related medication - and connected to the ‘side-effect’ known as akathisia, that is restless legs. When I was not at the day centre - that is the days I was at home - I countered the unpleasant akathisia and related tenseness by lying on my bed most hours of the day, trying to doze away the unpleasant - or, rather, unbearable - sensations.) Should evidence be required (I continue to hope that a ‘Board of Enquiry’ will save me from future medication by determining that I have never been schizophrenic and that I was given antipsychotic medication for improper reasons) the former staff of the day centre - for example the Sister in charge, whose name was Buxton - can say, certainly, that the room where the sink and kettle were was kept locked, and myself I’d be interested to know what reason they were given why it should be kept locked.
07/05/08 04:41
In looking that up I have sorted out papers and documents a bit better. Thus:
Contents of firesafe 2082
Ideas on the human mind from 1979.
‘Computer problems 2004’.
Computer discs:
Documents 2006-01-09 (Archive 1)
Useful Software AND Archive 2 (2006-02-18)
Archive 4 2006-04-26: Nero backup
Archive 5 2006-05-20
Archive 6 2006-07-16
Archive 7A AND Images Archive 2006-08-27
Archive 7B 2006-10-08
Archive C1 2006-11-19 COPY [relates to my AOL period]
Documents - Archive 7D - Images Archive 2006-12-24
DIARY VOLUMES 6 - 10 (23-Nov-79 through 19-Aug-86)
08/05/08 [Thursday]
08/05/08 05:37
... The safest thing is to destroy (or at least overwrite) these tapes from Tuesday and use the experience as a basis for learning what to do in future such cases. This will include the increased motivation I now have to find a way to get digital audio into the computer via Line In. Another advantage will be the less result for ‘the Authorities’ for the cost of that disruption to train services, this hopefully causing them discouragement and certainly disinclination to incur such cost in parallel future cases: that is disinclining them to hypnotise me on trains.
08/05/08 05:53
One could almost look at it this way (if one was thoroughly disenchanted with the ethical standard among people researching into human psychology or psychiatry or whatever it is): the perpetrators have no intention at all of helping me obtain compensation (misleading me, that is, into thinking Armond is ‘on trial’: and indeed since Armond could not be the major villain but the whole Experiment surely set out as a piece of research by a group of Cambridge idiots in the Socialist 1970s - or perhaps not research, on the basis that these people I find tend to think in terms of altering others’ behaviour, that is normalising it that is reducing everybody’s to the lowest common value; or certainly altering something, that is outputting wilful effort in pursuit of needs, desires or urges; not research but interference rather - my conclusion is that it is the same continued) but are out to get information from me by trickery involving hypnosis (evidently legal when it should not be, or certainly not for improper purposes and without the consent of the one hypnotised, and certainly not legal if he actively opposes it) and formerly by drugs without any (I do not say any adequate but without any) monitoring of effects, these effects (as disinterested readers may have cottoned on) horribly disastrous over a period of decades.
08/05/08 10:10
This was done last weekend, I think, when like this morning I felt livid as an after-effect (presumably an after-effect) of abuse with ASM (this time perpetrated as a consequence two days ago of hypnosis on the 1337 train out of Wolverhampton for Birmingham).
08/05/08 21:16
I have received a letter from Chivers Hartley enclosing a voucher in compensation for the unsatisfactory Hartley’s marmalade I returned. They received the return (according to Royal Mail) on 7th May yet their letter was dated 6th May.
And an update on the Kenco saga, started when I returned a jar of unsatisfactory Kenco Carte Noire bought at Sainsbury’s Wolverhampton to Kraft Foods (who took responsibility) on Friday 11th April. Now finally on 8th May I have received a voucher in compensation for the returned coffee.
My second letter to Unilever (in regard to Wall’s ice cream) posted First Class Recorded on Friday 2nd May has been delivered (Wednesday 7th May). The original letter, posted First Class Recorded on Tuesday 22nd April, has evidently gone missing.
Letters I sent (First Class Recorded or in the case of the Chief Constable, Special Guaranteed Next Day Delivery) on Thursday 1st May to the Chief Executive of the NHS Trust running Russells Hall Hospital in Dudley and (as I say) to the Chief Constable of West Midlands Police, were delivered Saturday 3rd May and Friday 2nd May respectively.
Reminder letters to the Drinking Water Inspectorate and to the Independent Police Complaints Commission sent Recorded or Special (following earlier letters which were delivered but produced no response) were delivered Friday 25th April and I have had no reply to either.
A letter sent Recorded to Abbey plc (merely requesting a cheque book) and delivered Monday 28th April has produced no response (or at least, none received) almost two weeks later. A letter to Procter & Gamble (Recorded, in regard to a Vick’s Inhaler for stuffy noses) delivered Tuesday 29th April has met the same non-fate.
Ian Pearson MP is looking into the question of misleading information given by the Royal Mail website for me (at least according to an Office Administrator in a letter dated 22 April 2008) and into the question of my mistaken treatment for schizophrenia over the years (per the same Office Administrator writing on 02 May 2008).
My letter to BT posted First Class Recorded last Saturday (3rd May 2008) was delivered today (Thursday 8th May 2008).
09/05/08 04:56 [Friday]
Two versions of the Google sign-in page I can get through my internet connection:
And this is what happened when it turned out less than obvious how to change my password in Technorati:
11/05/08 05:04 [Sunday]
Irrespective of the origin of the allegation that I am mentally ill, and even irrespective whether I am mentally ill, the fact of the matter is that because I am being treated as mentally ill I am not being afforded the ordinary protection of the law. In Bristol police cells I was not granted access to a solicitor, and now these letters (I have sent third copies now) although delivered and signed for have been ignored for a number of weeks (thus far):
11/05/08 07:06
Another letter thus far unresponded-to:
11/05/08 09:55
It is possible to imagine that the perpetrators of these interferences (even if made legal, possibly retrospectively, so they cannot be called crimes) against Dawn and myself honestly believe (or perhaps not precisely honestly but with the aid of double-think) the adage (quoted by Armond for sure) that anyone can develop schizophrenia: it is a thing, like Freewill, inherently unpredictable: given sufficient ‘stress’ people - the entire species - can develop schizophrenia, but some crack up easier than others. To state the fact plainly and without emotion (instead of ranting as usual about their idiocy and about their Sinfulness): their view is mistaken. State money is used to make life difficult for me, for example in the matter of renewing my website hosting package with 123-reg (who I am pleased to recommend far and above the arch-abettors Heart Internet who still have my money for nothing from last year, if not chicks for free). But as I said on a recent parallel occasion, we with indemnification against schizophrenia (in having adequately balanced synapses through the various sub-systems in the brain) weigh one thing against the other. It’s true I like to have my own website, but if to maintain it became too onerous (compared against other calls on my attention and efforts, in what accountancy calls the opportunity cost) I would give it up. Thankfully in our pluralistic economy there are a number of other suppliers of web hosting, and if it turns out that GX Networks (who now own 123-reg) are arch-abettors of the Heart Internet variety I can try elsewhere. (I think however they have been impostored through my miscreant foe interrupting communication with the True Website at 123-reg.co.uk.)
On the other hand this expenditure of State money on miscreants (plus otherwise out-of-work actors who the Civil Servants feel sorry for now the mines and Round Oak Steelworks have closed and whom I do not place in the miscreant class) makes life unusually onerous for me (speaking statistically) and I have to spend my own money in what should be unnecessary procedures including sending every letter I send either Recorded or Special.
Speaking of unpredictability: myself I don’t believe in Freewill as such, because I know everything in Creation (even miscreants) purposes aims for antecedent reasons. To suppose the future looks after the past is (to use the word again) mistaken: what governs the present - that is determination in the present - is forecasting of the future based on statistics from the past. The reason people (and animals) are unpredictable is complexity, based on large numbers, that is large numbers of brain cells and combinatorially explosive linkages between them. People who make errors are especially unpredictable and difficult to fathom (the miscreants again) but I think I am getting their measure (six feet or in former times a cubit, I suppose). People who make errors cannot easily be predicted even knowing their purposed aims (and these latter I am only just getting to grips with, variable and error-prone in themselves and including sub-features like making work for otherwise out-of-work actors). Give people antischizophrenic drugs and they become more predictable, that is they toe the line better; the reason is the complexity of their synaptic inter-linkages becomes much reduced. Evidently the miscreants have insufficient understanding to see the immorality in this. Whether the State psychiatrists in the USSR who prescribed such drugs for dissidents thought in the same terms I do not know.
13/05/08 02:58 [Tuesday]
Getting up around ten to three, plus other symptoms such as a hard taste in my mouth and some tenseness in my legs, I understand well as being due to stimulant drugs (or possibly stimulant drugs combined with ASM but the stimulant preponderant) which yesterday after tea made me first of all feel like setting down a lot of words of explanation (which I didn’t do partly because having just reinstalled the Amilo Pro but not yet reinstalled VB my Rich Text Editor wasn’t available) and then energised me to get myself - and Dawn accompanied me - to Merry Hill. I can’t say I understand why I was given stimulant drugs, and I can’t say if they were from something I took at tea-time (possibly the thus-far sound D’Aucy canned veg) or alternatively continuing from a mixture of drugs taken in a snack we had at the Red House Cone glass museum around lunch-time (an earlier effect of which seemed to be to send me to bed sleepy about 4 pm). The dosages involved must now be very low all round - leading me after tea yesterday to again cogitate on the possibility that I am gradually being weaned off drugs especially ASM, instead of still being given drugs more or less randomly for unfathomable purposes - and correspondingly after tea under the stimulant influence when Dawn asked me how I felt and I gave a reply mentioning centrally anger and worry I felt (at not feeling secure against future drugging, fundamentally, since the Drinking Water Inspectorate do not want to investigate and explain to me the circumstances of the drugging of the tapwater so that as far as I can see it might resume at any time, and the police do not offer reasonable assistance so that in future I can again unreasonably be detained after surreptitious drugging, say with amphetamine, and medicated officially with ASM which it still remains legal for psychiatric treaters to administer to people by compulsion in any dosage), I felt only weakly that she had been programmed hypnotically to ask so that my reply could be picked up by buggers with directional microphones given that our windows were wide for the summer weather.
In reinstalling the Amilo Pro, when it came to WordPerfect again the command-prompt windows flashed up towards the end (of the WordPerfect install) so I must conclude that flaws in the Amilo Pro system encouraging this latest reinstallation - flaws involving the text cursor again - must derive from the version of WordPerfect available containing unnatural flaws that is flaws specially to the commission of ‘the Authorities’. Whether the flaws in Windows Movie Maker derived from the same source I cannot tell, but even though the text cursor seems more closely allied to what WordPerfect is about than Movie-Making nonetheless there’s no necessary reason corruption in WordPerfect may not lead to flaws in Movie Maker.
13/05/08 04:11
I have eaten some of a Sara Lee chocolate gateau bought yesterday at Sainsbury’s Merry Hill and now what I was thinking of as ‘stimulant’ effects - such as hot and sore eyes, and sore throat - seem more evident. I think most likely these effects have grown due to drugs in the gateau (otherwise they are somehow rearing up again from drugs taken in yesterday) but the main point is that my attention is drawn - powerfully, based on the degree of effects suffered over the years and hence feared for the future - to pondering whether there are drugs in the gateau, and more generally how I could live my life to be free of such risk. This means my mind is taken away from what it would be enjoying dwelling on - computer modelling of perceptual processes, or whatever - to have to ‘process’ for this problem foisted on me in continuance of what I have suffered in the past. And I have not contracted to engage in such use of my mind: I have all along been press-ganged. This is apart from actual reduction in the enjoyment I can get from my mind if I am given antidopamine drugs. Also, trying to combat these interferences - especially when, given antischizophrenic drugs, I could not plan out such an efficient means - has cost me money. For example the fine I am having to pay based on my leaving the motor caravan last June blocking the entrance to Solihull railway station car-park. I had hoped by taking that action to terminate the interference in my life - this was it basically - by bringing the facts out in open Court. It hasn’t quite turned out thus, for one thing because solicitors I consulted were pre-advised (by ‘the Authorities’) that I was not to be given impartial help. Rose, Williams declined to assist at all and John Spence of Silks (although not appearing on Silks’ books and one must conclude specially briefed by ‘the Authorities’ instead of being an entirely independent solicitor acting for me) offered to charge £1000 and gave no indication he would forward the matter in the terms I required (he started off by saying he would quibble over police evidence, not at all to the point required).
I conclude the only way to be more or less certain of taking in no drugs would be to drink natural water - from the river or collected on our own land - and eat only food produced ourselves.
I give an update on the McVitie’s/United Biscuits saga below. For full sight of the correspondence click here.
13/05/08 09:10
I can’t tell how genuine are the enquiries what it is that’s bad about being given antischizophrenic drugs, in my own experience which is all I can speak of (plus Dawn’s I suppose to a degree). Sometimes the enquiries strike me as near to being cynical ways of getting round my objections, or perhaps objections put forward either on my behalf or on the behalf generally of patients subjected to such drugging, with the intention (this fear is in my mind this morning since the failure of any help from the Drinking Water Inspectorate, meaning I cannot know the circumstances of drugging our water supply and cannot be at all sanguine it will not resume) of continuing by hook or by crook to foist these drugs on me.
The thing is, what I have lately been complaining about I should have complained about before, but was stilled by the drugs given at the time. What I have suffered as a result of perpetrations I am now complaining about range over various types of negative experience including physical hurt, loss or waste of my money and waste of my time and effort. In Bristol police cells in September 2004 I was physically hurt, and while I did complain towards the beginning of 2005 I did not sufficiently pursue the complaint, and (naturally enough) nobody else looked out adequately for me (especially since it was an ‘official body’ sanctioning what it was I was complaining about - over-use of force by a security firm employed by some ‘health authority’ - and that official body or a related official body was the body which would have provided any support to look out for me: just like patients’ advocates for hospitalised mental patients, and even the solicitors patients are provided with, being part of the Mental Health system running the entire show).
I lose money (as one example) from the interference with the postal service, which means I cannot presume as the average citizen can that almost all his letters posted in the ordinary way will be delivered reasonably promptly. I need to pay to record the delivery, at least, so as to be sure the letter has in fact been delivered, and when.
Waste of my time and effort includes inefficient procedures I adopt when my mind is fuddled by drugs, sometimes (especially in the past) leading me to experience severe frustration because nothing I try delivers the required result in anything like the ordinarily acceptable way. And (baffling in the extreme to us non-psychiatrists) these frustrations have been deliberately engineered, presumably (this is all I can guess) to observe the ways I try to get round obstacles. A simple (but frequent) example of this is to be found in my attempts (and Dawn’s since she has joined with me) to use public payphones. It cannot be an ordinary average statistic that everyone who phones BT has to wait half an hour or more for an answer. Such frustrations get exaggerated through (1) fear that the consequences may include further suffering along the lines of detention and drugging; and (2) not having anything else in mind at the same time as an interesting and happy-making diversion (ie if the antischizophrenic drugs cause me at the time to have an almost completely empty mind).
All I can hope is that publicising the ridiculous way I have been treated will make it known and understood by a wide audience, and hope this will deter much in future of the same.
Click here for the correspondence relating to our problem with the water supply.
14/05/08 07:04 [Wednesday]
My best guess is that the stuff I upload intending it to update my website barrass-brough.org.uk is read as I say to assess the cost to me in debilitation when I am given ASM. However I am by no means certain this is so. One major motivation in publishing facts recently on my website (not always the reason I have used the website: in better times it was to convey information, say on character recognition, to anyone who might stumble on it who was interested in things I myself am interested in) is to increase public awareness of the dreadful treatment I have received, the hope being that this will deter further dreadful treatment. This being so, it is of significance to me whether the website is censored as opposed to publicly available as it should be.
14/05/08 08:34
The question arises - given that ASM is by far and away the most significant factor in my life, and it is a factor motivating avoidance at almost any cost - why have I been given ASM and why am I now occasionally given ASM (as in the Christian coffee shop in Stourbridge yesterday)? I’m sure I have not been given it for the deliberate purpose of hurting me. Most likely recent psychiatrists presumed it was good for me. Armond may have had doubts and may have been able to swallow his doubts when I gave in in 1987 following improper suggestion potentiated with an opium-like drug, after which the dosage of ASM I imagine was stepped up. Indeed this seemed to Dr G in 2005 - presumably following that earlier procedure of Armond’s in 1987 - to be quite an acceptable mode of proceeding.
It is just about conceivable that latter-day ‘friends of Armond’ have cynically perpetuated his scheme of getting me stilled by ASM, in autumn 2005 giving improper directives to Dr G and others at Bassetlaw. This theory is one I have laid stress on when made paranoid by ASM in recent weeks. The presence of heavy police when I used to visit police stations to complain - last year, probably - tells me that someone had made an assertion that I was a danger when not medicated. Whoever it was must have made the assertion cynically, and while it could have been Bassetlaw psychiatrists (to excuse their treatment of me, otherwise unnecessarily vigorous) my thought is that it was whoever gave improper directives to those at Bassetlaw, in 2005.
14/05/08 10:47
What it is I have to worry about is based on these facts: in the past I have been physically compelled to be injected. The first time in November 1980 six or seven men held me while I was injected. The effect of that injection and of subsequent injections and orally administered medication was and has been to subdue my vigour in resisting what I do not want, that is antipsychotic medication. On the other hand I have never been so ‘vigorous’ as to offer physical resistance (except trying to escape and run away, if that can be called physical). Once I am in the routine of having such medication then - and, as I say, I know from experience that force can be used (it is allowed by law) to compel me - I cease to have vigour to resist or even to complain, depending on dosages. The worst scenario is if the dosage initially administered (when I am compelled) is low, so that I have less motivation to resist and complain even though I am then more capable and it would be better for me if I did so. This was what happened in 1987. If the dosage is then gradually stepped up, I become less and less able to make my case even while the effects of the medication are getting worse and worse. This is - has been - a sort of entrapment and I offer it as an explanation for my terror of any amount of antipsychotic drug.
15/05/08 05:02 [Thursday]
Having downloaded some more audio - the sound recordings on device 2, in fact, which date back to Sunday 04-May-08 and the most recent of which was started 12-May-08 18:45, that is Monday evening just gone, and has length 38m49s that is excluding silence - I find myself interested in the following questions. There is a lot of ‘associated’ information often for audio ‘tracks’, such as artist, album, genre, etc: so where is this information (which is not what ordinarily one calls Properties of the file in question) retained? Come to that, for what ordinarily one does call File Properties (which started off in early Microsoft days as filetimes such as creation timestamp and modification timestamp but have since burgeoned to include all sorts of extraneous stuff like - for a .jpg file randomly chosen for exposition - Width, Height, Horizontal Resolution, Vertical Resolution, Bit Depth and Frame Count; and for files of other types, other extraneous lists) where is such information retained? I read somewhere a while back that the modern methodology entails retaining such information distinct (and possibly therefore separate) from the file data itself.
Another thing which it would interest me tremendously to unravel (straying slightly here into obiter territory) is the indexing of files on magnetic disc formatted by Windows. This probably is different for a disc indexed in the NTFS way as opposed to the FAT way (NTFS meaning NT File System and FAT meaning File Access Table, and NT being Windows from around the time of Millennium Edition - before which there was I think, the most recent, Windows 3.1 - although literally what the letters NT stand for I do not know).
15/05/08 05:30
One of the books I bought but have made little use of while subject to drugging with antischizophrenic agents is Microsoft Windows Internals, Fourth Edition. The introductory Historical Perspective says ‘the first release [was] in the summer of 1993, and that release supported the Intel i386, Intel i486, and the MIPS R4000 processors.’ (Later on I discover there was a NT version of Windows 3.1, called - no surprise - Windows NT 3.1, which was the first version released of Windows NT - in summer 1993 as just mentioned.)
15/05/08 05:54
I’m going to play a bit with the ‘experiments’ (more sensible than ‘my’ psychiatric Experiment) in this book.
15/05/08 18:33
The drugs affecting me earlier - probably a mixture of stimulant and ASM - have worn off (which for one thing implies the pleasing fact that they did not derive from the bread which I can continue to eat with impunity: probably they derived from the remains of the Sara Lee gateau, as I suspected at one stage this afternoon as well as a day or two back of the gateau then) and my mind is almost as it was when I was in my late teens, certainly as regards activity level (or ‘activation level’) although I suppose I must admit I have more experiential memories so that the subject-matter thrown around in the activity is more varied, and likely more realistically founded.
Just as at that time as a teenager then, I ask myself - before doing anything much at all including any writing - what point there is in it? The answer today is differently based from then, as regards writing, because I have a readership. Anyone with a blog can hope for readership, but in my particular case almost certainly a lot of what I put up is read by or on behalf of ‘the Authorities’. I put this forward as the explanation for my relative garrulousness in explaining matters such as I am here explaining in these prefatory paragraphs, which would be different - perhaps non-existent - if I did not have in mind these readers for ‘the Authorities’.
A lot of what occurs to my mind to write, in fact, takes shape as though directed at the readers for ‘the Authorities’, and usually it is complaining about what I suffer, or explaining what it is the Authorities are doing that they shouldn’t be. I conclude that most likely such explanations and complaints aren’t understood although at times I have wondered if they are read at all.
Taking on the theory that from the time I was at Cambridge the Experimenters were intent on tracking through life a person thought liable to develop schizophrenia, and that in 1986 Armond (as one of the Experimenters, or employed by them) genuinely concluded I had developed schizophrenia - not entirely unexpected, as I say - and what has been happening since then is treatment of that supposed schizophrenia, using extraordinary methods including admixed heroin (not unheard of in cases of terminal disease in combination with something like chorpromazine, to give a kind of early death in life before actual death, but made happy - supposedly - by the heroin) and later admixed antidepressants and admixed stimulants (this last virtually unbelievable as countering - almost any scientist would have said so - the dopamine-blocking action of the antipsychotic leaving only side-effects of both drug types with zero benefit), with observation - tracking - continuing.
Because, as I say, much of what I write to ‘the Authorities’ - formerly in letters to what was said to be Caroline’s address in Bristol but where a Water Rate bill I found was addressed to a Mr S Phillips if I remember right (because I was reminded of the actress Sian Phillips) and lately via my website - is not understood at all, I wonder what it’s all about. The conclusion must be - this supported by general evidence of the low intellectual quality of psychiatrists, not least of this being Armond’s failure to correct the mis-spelling of his own address in the Medical Directory I consulted (whether corrected since I do not know) - that the Experiment was a lackadaisical affair from the start and did not ever envisage gathering detailed information of the sort which might interest myself were I engaged in managing such a scheme. The failure of the Experimenters (Armond and others at the outset, I imagine) to take in much detail, let alone understand it, led to the error - quite common in psychiatric diagnosis in Britain, I should think - of giving me disastrously hurtful drugs and ignoring my complaints. I am hopeful that in the present phase more sensible people take cognisance and have ultimate control over the psychiatrists’ leashes (for one thing police officers must be quite aware of the sort of things perpetrated, and if my attempts to ‘publish’ are not stymied politicians too will become aware).
Hence my conclusion now (and, my mind clear of drugs, almost certainly this is the correct conclusion) is that my diagnosis of schizophrenia in 1986 on the evidence of my suicide attempt was a genuine diagnosis, so mistaken because Armond - and British psychiatrists generally - are fools. The treatment I have received in the twenty-odd years since has been based on standard British treatment for schizophrenia (but with the embellishments mentioned: admixed heroin, etc) and has resulted in my having a non-life thought to show typical symptomatology of schizophrenia (that is, British psychiatrists know so little they take the disastrous effects of the drug treatment as symptoms of the illness).
Goodness knows what will happen now but I presume I shall be freed.
¬¬¬
That’s how the ‘prefatory paragraphs’ have turned out, and backtracking, what they were supposed to preface was something to the effect that before I was writing to communicate to anyone - in my notes and diaries around 1972 - some of what I wrote (thinking particularly of notes on the computers I designed) was so complicated that after trying to explain them to my best friend I gave up ever hoping to explain such matters.
As regards what point there is in doing anything, I tend to agree with Sartre (at the end of the book Nausea) that to produce art objects is the way to go, because they are slightly less existent and being less existent in real-time have the hope of enduring forever (or a longish time, anyway: certainly longer than the statue of Ozymandias). With art objects I include scientific theories and mathematical (including computer) models.
17/05/08 08:16 [Saturday]
Sometimes I am subject to confusion, due to drugs I suffer. The only other times I have been confused, I think - prior to the drugging with antischizophrenic agents and possibly other confusional drugs which interfere with memory, certainly in my case (and I am led to think in terms of opium) - were when I fell out of a car on my head in the autumn of 1971 (in a motoring accident when my father lost control) and was briefly concussed, and when in childhood I had gas at the dentist’s. There may have been occasional times when I was almost asleep, again in childhood, when I was confused in a comparable way. The extended confusion I have suffered from antischizophrenic (and possibly other) drugs has meant I have not been capable of employment or indeed of living any sort of enjoyable life (over the past thirty years, with occasional rare remissions).
Yesterday morning I suffered palpitations and a feeling of pressure in my head. My thought - given also nasal congestion which noticeably cleared yesterday morning, all of a sudden one might say - is that these were withdrawal effects of antischizophrenic drugs I suffered throughout the month of April. Two days ago - Thursday morning - I was thinking of reinstalling the Amilo Pro, and this was in my mind I suppose from the idea I had had around the end of March - from listening to nighttime voicing which I was not then successfully avoiding - that I should make sure to back up my computer stuff because I might well suffer confusion through April. I got so far two days ago, and some of the backup folders are timestamped around 8.30 am that day Thursday 15-May-08. Yesterday morning I actually did a reinstall, but I was still not entirely exempt from confusion since I made new backup folders in some cases, which I have now retrieved to replace earlier retrieved backups that is those - or some of those - dated 15-May-08. This morning I am less subject to confusion, possibly not at all subject in fact. I did have in mind that possibly the reinstalled Amilo Pro system is still flawed (indeed it is, as regards Windows Movie Maker) and I should recover it yet again.
The worry over possible flaws was mainly over difficulty editing text and word-processing. But I reflect that since I have certainly not typed any text into the Amilo Pro in the recovered version, any evidence I think I half-remember of flawed behaviour, say with the text cursor, is mistaken (and probably derived from hypnotising suggestion to have doubt and to keep reinstalling, or from the prevalence of such flaws over the months since last summer - or these two bases of derivation in combination). The only wordy notes I made yesterday were handwritten, and consisted of only a few words to say what I had taken by mouth which at the time I blamed for the palpitations and other ‘stimulant-like’ physical effects. Otherwise I was on the DIXONSXP desktop bought early April from Currys Digital in the Bull Ring Birmingham (and whose recovery disc fails saying ‘Boot Manager not present’ in a scenario reminiscent of the Packard Bell EasyNote fiasco in 2006 - that laptop bought from Dixons XL in Doncaster, now another Currys Digital - so that I am back to XP on the new desktop although I paid for Vista), writing VB progs in slightly less feverish enthusiasm than on previous occasions - like summer 1980 - when I have escaped from ASM administered or foisted in the preceding period, but still with slightly exaggerated enthusiasm.
I am pleased to refer to a listing of one of these progs.
17/05/08 17:06
The following thoughts have followed as a consequence of what I observed in Sainsbury’s Birmingham city centre this afternoon, where we ended up shopping for food after initially going to Stourbridge (to get money from the building society) and then thinking we might go to Wolverhampton but that the wait for the bus would have been so long.
When we arrived at the Sainsbury’s in question a policeman was inside, and while from what I heard there was a supposed reason for him being there unrelated to us, my presumption close to certainty is that he was on duty because we might well turn up there. When I went to the soft drinks chill cabinet thinking to buy something like Red Bull, standing by was a seeming Sainsbury’s man with a trolley stacked with drinks of the sort I might ordinarily buy, that is stimulant drinks and Lucozade. The best theory I can find in explanation of this - especially given that the trolley was wheeled away as soon as I had left the area - was that the drinks in the chill cabinet (the ones at the front, perhaps) contained drugs and the trolley was to replace them with undrugged versions.
What I have reflected on this is that while what is being done bears a great resemblance to ‘the Experiment’ in 1980 and 1983-84 (including the contribution from BBC and other TV presenters, although we watch little nowadays), because of the context now - me living in my own home with a helpful wife instead of parents who were misadvised - much more effort has to be put in to distort the environment and to get drugs into me (particularly since I have sense to distrust the tapwater). This means that many more people from different walks of life are in the know - for example Sainsbury’s staff and managers, and police officers - and I think and hope this means that hole-in-the-corner abuse such as my detention on a mental ward in a remote district for months, or even harsh treatment in police cells for eighteen hours say, is unlikely to re-occur. On the presumption (a pretty certain presumption) that senior police officers are aware that I am - if I do not practise successful evasion - foisted foods containing mind-altering drugs, I think it is not so much a question of using techniques of mind-alteration (including the drugs) to get me by hook or by crook into a mental ward again, as to see whether I feel the help of mental doctors - or any doctors - would be any good, and in general how I react and what it is I fear.
The answer is plain: what I fear is treatment for mental illness (and in particular, drug treatment) and confinement under the jurisdiction of only medical people; and as regards the police, even though Nottinghamshire police behaved wrongly (presumably due to some misguided senior officer) and the Police Complaints Commission are dragging their feet, nonetheless I would much rather trust myself to police to be looked after than to mental doctors who as I have said before couldn’t pass the Eleven-Plus.
18/05/08 04:51 [Sunday]
Because interference with some things we try to get done has become a regular industry, and because these things we regularly try and need to put in more effort and attention than the average inhabitant of Britain thereby give rise to more noticed information - on our side as well as on the side of the industry set up to stymie us - I am in a position - in fact it is a thing practically begging to be done - to collate statistics. The first of these things we try to get done which gave rise naturally to the collation of statistics was postal transmission, and I have put up a fair quantity on my website already, about dates of posting and dates on letters of reply as well as in some cases the actual text of letters sent and received (and in one case I pointed out the prices for Recorded and Special Delivery, which readers will be able to multiply up - if only in approximation - by the number of items we post).
We come now to the thing we try to get done consisting of gaining access to our own savings. A lot of what money I had left after the waste in 2004 caused basically by my being drugged with stimulant drugs - waste through online gambling - we put into fixed-rate bonds. The reason for this was Dawn’s aversion to risk, based - in history - on her Dad’s attitude to risks on the Stock Market. He preferred to depend on work he did for himself (he was a self-employed small shopkeeper) rather than put out capital for others to manage and turn over. When we chose these fixed-rate bonds we - meaning I - had to look ahead to the funds we might need over the rest of our lifetime. This forecasting has been invalidated by needing to counter the extra effort put in by ‘the Authorities’ to interfere in our lives, since around June 2007, I suppose, and presumably consequent on my determination to resist. This determination has not been so subdued as it had been, for the accidental reason of our spending time away from the influence of the Bassetlaw arm of ‘The Experiment’, that is back in Kingswinford where I had lived practically all my life up to September 2003. The consequence of this has been that we have needed to cash-in bonds early, which were intended to be left for a few years yet.
Now to the recent crux. The past few cashings-in from a National Savings bond we have have been subject to unnatural interference and delay. It is statistics on this which I find now arising in such quantity - with hardly any effort on my part - as to invite collation and perhaps publication. [Interrupted - presumably by the ‘confusion’ mentioned below but just conceivably by hypnotising voicers - but taken up again on Tuesday 20 May 2008 qv.]
18/05/08 07:45
In the early 1980s - I think it was 1983 when I was easier subject to hypnosis, or interrogation in a truth-drugged condition as it may have been, because I was living with my parents (as against 1980 when I was living on my own in my own house) - I developed the notion that what was going on was an attempt to induce schizophrenia in a person with a schizoid personality (thought to be most likely a pre-schizophrenic personality) and find out about schizophrenia by ‘hypnotically’ - or using a truth-drug - getting inside his mind. This theory I had fell into abeyance when from 1984 for year after year and decade after decade my life was an empty non-life which I could not see would be of interest to any ‘investigators’. I am now mooting the same theory again.
I have no concern whether I am ‘genuinely’ schizophrenic, or if there is any sense in which the label could be applicable to me. All I am concerned with, in relation to schizophrenia and my own ‘case’, is that antischizophrenic drugs even if they have no noticeable ‘side-effects’ merely by their antidopamine action make my life miserable and empty. And they can be - and in the past have been - administered to me by compulsion. Furthermore no one admits any wrong has been done; still less am I offered compensation. I must go on fearing that such drugs may again - when things have settled into a lull - be introduced into our water supply. This inclines me to be unhelpful: the main reason in the past I have tried to ‘help out’ has been that I thought I might thereby save myself further or worse drugging (for example by explaining - or trying to, to psychiatric people evidently too dense to understand the first thing - the deleterious effects of antidopamine drugs).
In Spring 2006 when we were living in Dawn’s house in Worksop I was invited (through not overly subtle hints in phone conversations with people supposedly at NHS Direct) to maintain archives of stuff on my computers. Fair enough: I have more or less done this. My suspicion (in regard to the DIXONSXP desktop in particular) is that attempts are going to be made to steal this information. Surely even just the laws of copyright should protect me. Not that there is much to be kept secret: but in fact a lot of what I have spent time doing over the past two years (as against the preceding twenty-five when I did virtually nothing) was work created by The Experiment, which otherwise I would not have had to take time out to do and therefore I should have got more sensible stuff done. So while what I have stored up is not secret, it is of value to me as the product of time taken up perforce by the fact of The Experiment. In other words it should not be stolen but I should be paid for it, and certainly exempted from future drugging (one possibility of course being that I might be drugged into insensibility or some species of folly so that information could be copied or stolen outright, as the computer hard disc in August 2005 was stolen outright).
[Around this time on Sunday morning I was adapting my encryption prog, which had not worked completely correctly on very big files; this was tied in with trying to sort out my computer archives, and these themes of my history as archived, plus the feeling I should encrypt some of it, recurs in the diary entry of 19/05/08 14:37 - note added 20/05/08 10:12.]
18/05/08 10:06
Despite being in a state of slight confusion due to drugs in a bottle of ‘New Flavour’ Raspberry Lucozade bought yesterday at Sainsbury’s Birmingham city centre - the other bottle not noticed as drugged yesterday due to distraction from events out and about and from the fact of drinking it a bit at a time and sharing it with Dawn - I find various interesting ideas arising, some of them harking back to early 1981 when, just before being released into the community after my first hospitalisation, I was thinking stuff about implementing on computers then available to the average individual - like the TRS-80 I had - structures of data which was not simply data in the ordinary sense but included what in computer terms would be thought of as executable code. This notion of mixing the two derived from my reading about the programming language LISP and also consideration that neural structures are much the same whether analysing and recording data from perception or developing and storing up plans for output: that is the affective versus the effective.
This morning what I was thinking which reminded me of that was this: having been on about my computer archives I then reflected that what they consist of - each archive, say, as well as the entire collection (or structure or configuration as I once might have termed it) - are folders within folders (and at base level files, regarded in computer usage as a different thing from folders but still a piece of data stored in some sort of memory). Structures like this in computing - which have developed by trial and error arriving at forms which work in practice (similar to evolution in that the trial and error is somewhat blind and is not scored so much by ‘teachers’ as by practical success or failure, although human beings with motivation - to make money, the most effective in the absence of forces majeures like martial law or a totalitarian government - try to plan so as to bring success) - having to do with information-processing are almost bound to parallel in some way structures for the same purpose in nature, that is neural structures. In computing the tendency is still - to simplify hardware requirements and reduce hardware costs as much as anything - to index substructures by numbers, as in an array each element of which has an index integer; but this is changing. The more flexible methodology (used by structures in nature) is to use as an index something comparable with the contents of the structure. Literally speaking the contents of a structure which is a folder (in computing) are subfolders (and files which, as I say, are regarded as distinguishable from subfolders), and the subfolders have names which are a step more abstract than index numbers. The best way - that is the most flexible, that is independent of hardware suppliers and programmers (I’m all for individual units going their own way and pleasing themselves) - is the way used by structures in nature, that is to reference subfolders (sticking to computer terminology) by something of the same species as their contents, used either as a typical instance or as a header. Contents (as subfolders are contents of a folder) often have properties, which can be used to search for them (or point to them in the sense of the indexing of a book) but to stand for them a header or a typical instance is needed.
I take a bit of time out here to note the use of words for parts of the body in considerations such as these, this usage originating in Latin and probably before. An index is a finger used to point, and headers are related to heads. To stand for something is related to the body erect. Something head and shoulders above its fellows is the leader or representative (the latter having more the meaning of first among equals as in what I call above a typical instance).
Consider then a collection of words, which may be put down in the form of a list. (Structures in language have a natural gravitation towards being linear or one-dimensional, this based on the auditory input the basis of language having only a time dimension.) One in the middle nowhere in particular might be used as a representative, and might be printed bold (equivalent to standing head and shoulders above) but usually the top item (or one or two top items conflated, as in the word alphabet from alpha-beta) is taken as the representative (and possibly the list is re-ordered to bring the representative to the top). This is related to notice of change: that is the first item(s) attract more notice when the list comes up for perception.
This is all rather by-the-by, but to summarise: the natural way of referencing substructures which otherwise may be little distinguishable is by the most markworthy of their contents, used as a typical instance. If no other stands out, the first item when presented in the natural way to the perceiver is used. (This in turn brings up the question of different perceivers finding different objects up for perception more markworthy, as for example in the ‘schizo’ case: people predisposed in the direction of schizophrenia are not interested as a general rule in the things of interest to the average member of the populace.)
What the ‘essay’ above grew out of was what I originally wanted to say, which was that supposing I wanted to make not so much an index as a list of contents of an archive, the way to do it would be to print out (or otherwise display) the tree structure of subfolders within folders, to a certain depth (possibly the depth being not a fixed number but counted from the deepest nesting level in each case). The problem with this (as I hint) is determining the depth to display, since for some portions of the structure more depth needs to be shown for equivalent information value. Moreover the depths (lower down) which may be omitted (abstracted, as it were) depend (again) on the receiver of the information, in that some people communicated to may already understand without detailed specification what the ‘contents’ of subfolders at the lowest depths are. This last relates to what I was on about above, that people with understanding use as internal representations of substructures (or external representations, for purposes of communication) ‘abstractions’ in the form of headers of the types debated above.
19/05/08 09:53 [Monday]
When I was a kid I had all sorts of ideas for gadgets, for example making use of transmission of information over a distance. I saw a TV programme about the invention of telegraph and - whether specifically suggested by the programme I can’t remember - afterwards made a telegraph of my own by winding a solenoid myself using ordinary low-voltage wire (probably supplied with a Philips Electronic Engineer kit I had) and arranging it to swing a needle to indicate dot or dash (or whatever) as in Morse code. Today I have been using my versatile intelligence (as I might call it) for practical purposes - security of our home - rather than (yesterday) writing intellectual (the word I use) or philosophical stuff. I mention the telegraph I made as a kid because nowadays wireless devices are easily affordable, and I am pleased with what I have achieved this morning along the lines of transmitting information from home to a handset I shall carry about with me when I am out and about.
Having achieved pretty competent security, my self-questioning asks the question, does anyone genuinely ever enter our home illicitly, or rather: have they in the past? In January 2007 we returned to the bungalow here in Kingswinford having been away in Nottinghamshire and there was slight damage in the bathroom. It seems very likely someone had entered, and at the time the only alternative I could envisage was that there had been a minor earth tremor. We called in the police but they simply took note, and took note (as we ourselves did not till later, and phoning the police found they had been aware of it) that the breakage of the bathroom window was the internal pane of the double-glazing (arguing the damage was indeed done from inside).
It seems not unlikely (for example because of the legal position that an Englishman’s home is his castle, which would require some special permission presumably in each case, for ‘illicit’ entry) that the advantage taken of us is more by way of (something like) drugging us into a heavy sleep and then walking in through open doors (to drug water stored in bottles in the kitchen, in January this year for example). The law might well regard that as little more serious than trespass.
I have to say the law is wrong and should be changed. The hurt in such a case lies in the drugging. Even being drugged with something like a ‘Mickey Finn’ (something almost certainly perpetrated on us) gives rise to headache in the hangover. And if it is used to further drug us, with drugs which are seriously offensive - say putting antischizophrenic drugs into bottles of water - the offence is severe. The hurt does not so much consist in physical ‘side-effects’ (like headache) as in the effect on one’s mind (certainly speaking for myself). Medical people are hopeless at measuring such hurt - consider for example Armond’s assertion that antischizophrenic drugs ‘do not affect the intelligence’ as though all mental capacity is measurable as ‘intelligence’ or its absence - and it is wrong to allow psychiatrists who are especially foolish medical people to prescribe mind-altering drugs with so little limitation or control on them.
19/05/08 14:37
When I ‘ran away’ from Barbara and Kingswinford in September 2003 I was invited (through ‘hypnotic’ voicing at night) to record my passwords on the computer I had, and to set down (or reveal, eg to Zoë’s son) the pass-number for the safe I had then. I conclude that it had been thought I felt myself that I benefited from being ‘looked after’ by Barbara and would wish to remain in that situation. (The truth is I was grateful, but on the other hand the only reason I needed ‘looking after’ was the deleterious effects of the antischizophrenic drugs I was being prescribed.)
After I resumed contact with Barbara she behaved in a way such as to say that if I chose to be wayward I would have to look after myself. For example on one occasion we fell out over something at a hotel and I took myself off to the railway station and thence to Retford (where I was by then renting a house). This suited me, from which one must conclude I was not then being medicated or certainly not severely. I think Barbara and ‘the Authorities’ thought I might not cope though.
The discontinuation of my injections at the Retford surgery I now suspect was engineered so that I might feel the lack, and return of my own volition to medication and to being ‘looked after’. I did go to see the GPs at Retford consequent on that discontinuation, but I must have been being leaned on heavily with ‘hypnotising’ advice as I recall I was in fear - while at the surgery in Retford - of being medicated again with antischizophrenic drugs. I was asked to go to Bassetlaw Hospital - to the psychiatric unit presumably - but as there was no parking space I came away (from which it can be seen I was not myself all that keen on seeing a psychiatrist). The same afternoon another GP at the Retford surgery sent me by compulsion back to Bassetlaw Hospital (I don’t think I was sectioned, but a 999 ambulance was called and again I was strongly ‘invited’). I could make nothing of this, that is being asked nicely in the morning and being all but compelled in the afternoon and both (morning and afternoon) on no basis whatsoever.
16:55. Splitting headache now, following pressure in eyes and temples and nasal congestion (now clearing). Compare earlier notes (a page or two previous in this notebook) made Fri. 16-May-08. Today’s indisposition I feel sure is after-effect of drugs (a mixture including ASM) in the marshmallow I ate yesterday retained from a few weeks back. An earlier effect (earlier this afternoon) was to encourage reflection on the history of ‘The Experiment’ and general production of words of explanation (to myself as much as to anyone else). This seems to be a feature of ASM wearing off in myself (and [moreover] combination with stimulant encourages angry feelings).
19/05/08 18:40
I’m glad to say the headache is abating, and I think it must be right that these unfortunate effects have been due to ASM taken in yesterday from that marshmallow, possibly even explainable in terms I dreamt up some months back of ‘processing cost’ (given reduced capability, caused by the ASM, to organise my mental activity) causing a requirement for more concentration, at a level ordinarily I might expect to devote - or in the past have expected to devote - to Cambridge mathematics. The abating of the effect is a bit difficult to take on board, because while I definitely still have a headache and it seems little different (in pattern-recognition terms, if one can speak of pain in those terms) nevertheless it was earlier this afternoon immeasurably more severe (as measured by distraction from ordinary activities, say). The only way I can find of explaining what I mean - and this only in theoretical terms which some assessors might find difficulty in accepting - is that earlier, the increased ‘notice’ of the pain was part and parcel of the less influence from ‘downward’ moderating links from the frontal brain.
20/05/08 04:18 [Tuesday]
The drugs in the marshmallow I ate two days ago (part of a box of Pirates of the Caribbean sweets bought from the Disney Store in Birmingham, I think: the rest of the sweets now chucked) have worn off now (sufficiently, anyway, although I can’t swear that sampling of my blood might not reveal a trace residue). This means that I have taken in no drugs - certainly no antischizophrenic drugs, and most likely none at all - since then (none yesterday, say) which is pleasing confirmation of the efficacy of the avoidance of nighttime voicing. Even though attending to nighttime voicing - ‘suggestion’ to go to a particular town to do our shopping, and even to particular stores - is against my own interest, I still evidently do not set it aside if it occurs; the explanation must surely be along the lines I have suggested, that if my own ‘longer-range planning’ (in the seriatim, that is using the frontal brain) is debilitated - by opium-like drugs putting me into a heavy sleep or like condition, and especially when antidopamine agents are blocking my ability to turn things over in my mind - I become susceptible to hypnotising ‘advice’ that is I put my trust too much in advisers and do not verify the advice sufficiently independently. I put this forward as the explanation why many people supposedly schizophrenic treated with antidopamine drugs are not satisfactorily independent, so that they go along with ridiculous schemes of treatment. Doctors on the mental side have no incentive to improve this state of affairs, or even admit it is as I say, because in the state of affairs lies their having so many patients permanently under treatment.
Lately I am able to ‘turn matters over in my mind’ as never since the early 1980s: probably in fact since early 1981 just before my discharge from my first detention. I recall (as I mentioned the other day) the ideas I had in I suppose January 1981 - detailed ideas, started a year or two before based on having acquired a TRS-80 computer and thereby being able to hope to implement such ideas in a practical form - on programming structures which intermingled (in effect) perceptual input data and structures which could be described as plans for effector output. When I say my ideas were detailed: I was thinking - I had got into programming using Z80 assembly language - of representations in terms actually of bytes where individual bits had particular meanings which the computer should use to unravel what the structure in memory meant (much like my thinking in recent years ‘in hexadecimal’, as I believe I expressed it: but with a better overview and hence likely to be - had I continued, in the 1980s - more of a success).
I mention that to be able to ‘turn matters over’ in this way it is necessary for the structures of ideas - embodied, whatever more psychologically oriented Experimenters may like to believe, as structures of firings of neurons and of adaptation of synapses (the latter corresponding to memory which persists longer, whereas ‘firings of neurons’ must correspond to short-term structuring of memory while a ‘theory’ or way of explaining the complex in terms of the simple is under investigation, possibly involving mechanisms like the ‘neural loop’ or something very similar) - to persist not only from hour to hour but from day to day, and to be capable of resumption after breaks for the practical concerns of life. In other words if one is dreaming up some complicated way of understanding things then one needs to be able to maintain it in mind resumably (as I say) even though it may fade temporarily from awareness as one goes about one’s business, doing the shopping and so forth. Antidopamine drugs interfere badly with such maintenance in a resumable form, and presumably it is because blocking the synapses they do, they cause decay of propagation in structures like ‘neural loops’. One under such treatment has to live for the moment, and I myself (as I imply) have not had access to memories in anything like a detailed form while I have been suffering this drugging.
The other evening I was telling Dawn about memories I was then able to bring forward in a more detailed form (as I say) than for decades, relating in this case to my first year as a student at Cambridge University. Sometime in that first year - probably in the first term (in the autumn of 1974) - I learnt the first computer programming I had ever been able to apply practically. That is I went on a week-long course in Fortran, and had access to the central university mainframe (an IBM-370) to try out programs. The basic point I have in mind is that there were two programs I wanted to write and get to work, dreamt up by myself, and powerfully engaging my interest at the time. One was to produce a ‘concordance’ of a book (by Aleister Crowley, as it happened); the second was to try out ideas I had had - at school evidently - on the way the human mind produces grammatical sentences. The strength of the enthusiasm I had for these ‘projects’ tells me that at that time I was not suffering drugging. Whether this period came before, or after, the period I recall when I was extremely depressed, I can’t at the moment recollect. The projects never got completed because I got bogged down in difficulties founded in the unsuitability of the Fortran I was using for processing text. Also, it is not impossible that the discontinuation of these projects corresponded with the start of the period I suffered drugging (as I say, I can’t recall the sequence adequately, in which things happened, and I was not at that time keeping a diary).
It was certainly in the first year that I went on the Fortran course, because I remember who went on it with me and they stopped doing the same mathematics course after the first year (one Iranian was said to have committed suicide, in fact, and that was in my first year 1974-75). I also remember being late for a supervision (a tutorial) because of the Fortran course, and I remember what the supervisor said and who the supervisor was.
The period when I was severely depressed (due to drugging with reserpine) must surely have come towards the end of my first term. I think most likely the drugging started after the Fortran course, and part of the effect of the drugs has been to cloud the organisation of my memory of the period. One would expect that the drugging would start after I had been found out and observed for a week or two, anyway, unless I could have been adequately assessed (as a suitable candidate for ‘the Experiment’) before I went up in October 1974: and I cannot have been thus assessed, not very completely.
I shall try to find my lecture notes from that first term, expecting there may be a deterioration in their organisation corresponding to the commencement of the drugging.
20/05/08 06:11
In sorting that out of the garage I have put into better order various diary volumes from the past twenty or so years.
Diary Volume 16: 24-Jun-91 (Mon) through 10-Jul-92 (Fri)
Diary Volume 17: 11-Jul-92 (Sat) through 20-Nov-93 (Sat)
Diary Volume 18: 21-Nov-93 (Sun) through 12-Jul-94 (Tue)
Diary Volume 19: 13-Jul-94 (Wed) through 04-Jan-95 (Wed)
Diary Volume 20: 05-Jan-95 (Thu) through 24-Jun-95 (Sat)
And - one thing leading to another - I have scanned various insertions I found in Volume 17.
There are other insertions (also in Volume 17) being separate pads of notes I made when at my own house in Keighley to where I ran off under various circumstances. Later on it was with my parents’ knowledge and agreement.