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. October 2007 .
01/10/07 12:47 [Monday]
We have slept for about four hours - both having got up now - following a night out on the streets of Worcester. The reason is fundamentally the same as on the similar occasion in Hereford in June - the night of Monday 11 June 2007 - that is stimulant drugs of the same type and in the same combination (probably with zero ASM in the initial instance until we ate some ginger biscuits bought at Sainsbury’s Doncaster probably last week in the last phase of the weeks of investigation of ASM starting with our trip to High Wycombe in mid-September [Monday-Tuesday 17-18 September 2007]) given to us after we had evaded drugs for a number of hours - taking with us to Worcester water procured at St Mary’s church Kingswinford, although not from the standpipe - and therefore having a particularly marked and noticeable effect, from the Cathedral Café in Worcester (a little café a hundred yards or so from the cathedral and not I think associated with the cathedral although the miscreants running it claimed to be Christians and attenders of St George’s church in - I understood - Worcester although I was unable to verify their story).
The accessory causal factor for our night in the open was the incompetence of the NHS. I took Dawn to be checked over at Worcestershire Royal A + E (I think formerly I believed the hospital was called the Worcester Royal Hospital but in fact it is the Worcestershire Royal Hospital: it’s strange that the word Royal is sometimes used for hospitals as the royal family would I’m sure never trust themselves to the NHS) and after about half an hour she was triaged - say soon after 8 pm - and the wait to see a doctor was said to be about 2 - 3 hours (there were perhaps ten patients in the waiting room and two doctors on duty which I calculate to mean that each patient receives about half an hour of doctor’s treatment in A + E before being discharged to freedom or detained elsewhere in the hospital). I said to the triage nurse - on the board the triage nurse was said to be called Jonathan but Dawn saw a female nurse and Jonathan was not in evidence all evening - that we might not be able to wait that long as I wanted to get back to the police station before it closed to pursue the complaint I had made there earlier against the proprietor of the Cathedral Café but been unable to wait there either to see an officer after initially describing events to the counter clerk (we arrived at the police station about 6.30 pm and left about 7.30 pm).
While we were waiting at A + E I looked at the bus timetables on the notice board and ascertained the only Sunday evening service back to the city centre appeared to be service number 22 the last one leaving from the hospital main entrance at 2323. The A + E staff were unable to provide a map of the city centre or train timetables or (later on) a telephone directory although (later on) it transpired they had the internet which later on they were willing to use to help us and had they used it earlier could have told us the time of the last train back to Stourbridge. The presumption must be the Sunday daytime staff were not internet savvy.
We announced our intention to leave the A + E about 9.10 pm and the lady who had acted in place of Jonathan said they would not have been able to check whether Dawn had in fact ingested anything on a Sunday night anyway. The way it sounded at the time (we had eaten some of the ginger biscuits and I had turned a bit paranoid and Dawn had had to use the toilet several times) she was deliberately telling us we had wasted our time, but my presumption now is that she saw no irony in what she was saying. Likewise my almost presumption at the time - when it turned out the bus timetable I had consulted had been out of date and the last bus nowadays to the city centre on a Sunday was 1823 (in fact the timetable I obtained at the hospital main entrance which told me that may itself just have been superseded, by one as from 2 September 2007 available nowhere at the hospital that I could see apart from posted at one of the bus stops and difficult to discern given the light so I may be in a mistake, but anyway now there may be no Sunday buses serving the hospital, or certainly no number 22’s which had been the early-morning and late-night service) - was that we had been deliberately deceived as regards bus times, but now I’m pretty sure it was simply NHS incompetence no-one taking adequate responsibility for making sure up-to-date bus timetables and only up-to-date ones are provided.
I was unwilling to pay out for a taxi when the police station I knew shut at 10 pm and I thought anyway we had probably missed the last train home (it was now about 10.30 pm because we had waited for the supposed 2123 bus and then when it was evidently so late it probably wasn’t coming, I had gone to the hospital main entrance to try to get other information on bus times, and train times). At the hospital main entrance (in the concourse) there was an electronic information system promising information on buses, trains and goodness knows what else but although it was lit up it wouldn’t work and a passing nurse I enquired of seemed of the opinion it might not work out of hours.
At this stage I thought of phoning for police advice or even help, but reflecting, told myself that on the occasion in Hereford we had been advised to get a room in a hotel for the night. This time in Worcester we could just about afford to do so so I asked at A + E for a phone book hoping to phone round hotels (there was no phone book anywhere at the hospital main entrance except what turned out to be an internal directory which initially had got my hopes up). The lady at A + E (there had been a shift change) said they usually had a telephone directory but after searching round for one said it could not be found. At this stage the staff at A + E turned on the internet and ascertained we had missed the last train home (the train info system as usual said something like depart 2330 and arrive 0530). They phoned the local Travelodge and found we could stay the night for £50. I declined this believing that going to a hotel recommended by the NHS we would probably be drugged and hypnotised, and would have liked a choice. The A + E staff found that the taxi firm they usually recommended - or anyway used - would take us to Kingswinford for £80. Asked if there were alternatives they found another taxi number and phoned for us, discovering the rate would be by the meter and would likely be upwards of £50. Dawn was becoming agitated - due mainly to the ginger biscuits no doubt - so we left and decided to walk in the fresh air as it was only a mile to Shrub Hill station and I had a map (but no compass and couldn’t see the North Star), Dawn presuming that as at Hereford in June the railway station would accommodate us overnight.
When we had almost got to Shrub Hill station (in perfect marathon weather of light rain) Dawn declared that she was hungry - starving, in fact: the anorectant effect of the stimulant drugs taken in at the Cathedral Café having ended - so I suggested to save wandering round trying to find an eating place open, we should ask a taxi to take us to one. The taxi waiting room was open but Dawn thought the vending machine fare would likely be insufficient, so we got taken by a very helpful Asian taxi driver (having the profit motive, which profit motive kept his fare down to the minimum which was £3.80) to a Fried Chicken place in the main street of Worcester, near Foregate Street station (he gave us a choice of Halal, Indian or Fried Chicken). That station was locked up for the night. Dawn by now was in a state of angry near-paranoia and we wandered up and down going into a number of possible eating places but eating nothing at any.
01/10/07 14:17
We have had lunch and I must guess the stimulant drug now maintaining my momentum (and bringing back the headache I took Paracetamol for one and a half hours ago) was in the Fruit Shoot drink as the church water used for our coffee gave no sign yesterday of containing drugs.
After Dawn had led us about a bit, I decided to return to the police station to repeat my complaint even though I knew the police station would be shut (I think it was between 1 am and 2 am). I got through on the intercom at the police station doors and was told the log said I had complained of assault by the proprietor of the Cathedral Café but no mention was there of the fact that I had been drugged. In fact I had described the way the man had put fear into me by laying hands on me and aggressively requiring me to leave because he wanted to close his café in order to get to church. When I had told him I was unwell after eating two bowls of soup (Dawn didn’t want hers) he had been unhelpful and was not aware of his duty of care over his fellows (even us non-Christians). I had certainly told the police - the counter clerk - that I was complaining the man had drugged me.
A young policeman came down and opened the door and invited us in. Many of the police in Worcester seem to enjoy chewing gum, and again my presumption at the time was that it was deliberately to give the impression they cared nothing (this young policeman later on made the remark several times, ‘It’s not my problem,’ and surely this cannot be the standard way the police go on). He offered some reasonable advice which however I had to tell him was not useful in our predicament - for example I had many times in the past sought a blood test at hospitals (and of police surgeons) but been declined. The best idea would have been to find a hotel chosen by ourselves - the policeman recommended (or mentioned, and it was the only one he mentioned) the Travelodge as the NHS had - but apart from Dawn’s distaste especially when on psychotomimetic drugs for hotels, I thought the burden of cost unfair (and likewise paying for a taxi to Kingswinford). We stood outside the police station for a while as I thought it a safe place, covered by CCTV and presumably with police immediately available, but then became restive and walked to Foregate Street station to ascertain the time of the first train this morning (the first direct train from Foregate Street to Stourbridge was 0645) and I also had a desire to find St George’s church if it exists. On enquiring of a young man sitting on steps across the road near the station it appeared St George’s church might be a mile out of town; Dawn persuaded me to sit on a bench in the pedestrianised centre of Worcester. We did so and I lapsed into ‘reduced consciousness’ not only because of the time of night but mainly I think because of ASM in the earlier ginger biscuits. Before going under I had eaten more of the biscuits, unsuspecting at that stage, and after some time - perhaps half an hour - came to in an angry agitated condition and strode along to the cathedral and round the corner to the Cathedral Café hoping to draw the attention of early customers to the dangers of the foods served there. However it was as yet only between 3 am and 4 am and the café - having no fixed opening times according to the proprietor - was still closed.
I’m slightly confused about the next sequence, that is how many times we marched up and down between the police station and the Cathedral Café and the modern public toilets in a car park in the middle part of Worcester, but this is what we did, march to and fro. On visiting the police station on the second occasion when the same young policeman came and opened the doors, I did enquire if he could point me to a private treatment centre (say BUPA) as Dawn was suffering physical distress from the marching but he said none such would be available at that time of night.
Around 4.30 am we fetched up under the canopy of Foregate Street station - noting the lights were on within the station although the shutters were locked down and presumably no staff were inside - and stood about for a bit until finally giving in I sat on the pavement. At least the canopy sheltered us from the rain, but Dawn did mention the fact that it was cold (which she actually rather overstated, saying it was freezing). About 5.30 am there was a useful delivery of newspapers giving Dawn something to sit on, as she warned me I would develop haemorrhoids from sitting on the slabs and declined to do so herself. Soon after that a man turned up - almost certainly an agent of the Authorities - saying he had missed his train the night before and had been out all night.
The shutters of the station probably opened about 6 am and I became reinvigorated, presumably by the lights. However I did not cotton on quickly to the reason the lifts would not work, which was because the station was unstaffed (those opening the shutters and sweeping up not counting as staff). In my becoming more wakeful my anger at being drugged was also re-awakened and I made remarks aloud to Dawn - and to passers-by themselves - to the effect that I could not recommend the Cathedral Café as illicit substances were put in the foods. We caught the train at 0645 and arrived home - having to pay our bus fare from Stourbridge as that early our passes are not valid - about 8.45 am (the 265 bus timed for 0812 from the stop we were at on alighting from the bus from Stourbridge evidently not running so we had half a mile to walk up from the bus stop).
As I say, we had a sleep and now unfortunately I have suffered further drugging although Dawn is able to sleep more, on the settee. Richard has put us back on (as regards internet, although I haven’t checked the TV as we now have our brilliant DAB radio).
01/10/07 18:52
ASM is beginning to affect me. First of all I find it despicable that my mental organisation has become so bad - over an interval of about half an hour - that I cannot properly sort out the images for the updated September 2007 diary page of my website, which was all that was waiting to be done before uploading the update. Secondly I find it angers me that because I was in the middle of the activity of sorting out the images I persisted with it against increasing difficulty causing me unnecessary effort and the upshot has been I give up, possibly not only for now but forever which means possibly I shall scrub a lot of September.
Let me say before my mental organisation becomes so bad I cannot remember what I wanted to say, or cannot organise it well enough to be conveyed, that I find the fact that I feel the onus to update my website is an onus deriving from other people a considerable annoyance. I think this feeling of onus comes from nighttime voicing - probably last night, either in Worcester (eg when I was out of things on the bench in the pedestrianised shopping area in the centre) or (less likely) this morning when we were asleep having returned to the bungalow - enhanced by things being said on Classic FM which we have had on, no doubt after ‘hypnotic’ suggestion to have that station on. I find the whole thing objectionable - I am particularly angry because lately I have had considerable enjoyment of freedom from ASM and from nighttime voicing. Possibly indeed it was only the fact that I was so accessible out of doors in Worcester in the middle of the night while under the influence which has allowed such a powerful - I can tell how powerful because of the degree of my anger - ‘hypnotic’ effect to be perpetrated.
I will mention that I have just eaten crackers with butter, and an egg. Earlier I drank I think three cups of coffee but there was no indication then of any drugs in them (the water used was water from St Mary’s Kingswinford which yesterday was fine).
A lot of the difficulty here parallels the difficulty of non-schizo people trying to communicate with schizo people in general. The Authorities are trying to drag information out of me and drag it at a certain rate. I have previously commented on the difficulty there is synchronising with a schizo person one would communicate with. The fact of the dragging - the ‘hypnosis’ and the ASM (although it baffles me how the Authorities might think ASM would help in the dragging, although they may be so foolish as to persist with the idea that ASM on me will act as it apparently does on some and enable them - the schizo types drugged - to communicate better) - interferes with what I am trying to do - that is, specifically, prepare a website update - and the anger I feel will probably lead to wholesale destruction of notes from September. That way I shall not again have the headache of trying to put the notes in order for presentation while the Authorities make life difficult for me on a basis I cannot fathom - it is so counterproductive of what they seem to want - unless they are the thickest people in existence.
Really, because I make diary notes - and there are all sorts of reasons for that, the simplest way of looking at which is that I have kept a diary for years - and because when I am relatively free of drugs I sometimes become interested in the things the Authorities are interested in - especially if nighttime voicers advert to them - and once having started on a process of sorting out ideas on these subjects and then on a process of putting them into a suitable form for presentation on my website I suffer from a low-grade type of perseveration, I perseverate in trying to finalise updates of my website - from time to time - even when the Authorities - presumably from mistaken understanding of the way things work - make life difficult for me. This turns into a form of frustration which if and when it comes to a head will lead to wholesale destruction of what was in preparation. It isn’t as if I am being paid to produce website updates as a job of work, in which case no doubt I would be able to find ways of abstracting myself from the frustration without destroying the work in hand - count to ten, as it were - but as I am not being paid but yet am distracted unfairly - by nighttime voicing which engages my interest in the Authorities’ subjects unnaturally (that is unfairly) - so cannot spend as much time as freely I would choose to on subjects of greater interest - free of interference - to myself, I say, ‘What’s in it for me?’ and do my utmost to discourage the Authorities from persisting in invading my privacy.
What I am talking about then is nighttime voicing enhanced by drugs even if the drugs themselves are in such a dosage as not to be particularly onerous - they wear off quickly, etc.
01/10/07 19:45
Because it seems the dosage of ASM I have suffered must be very low, and it might be an idea to take a break anyway (and indeed to sleep) and I want to encourage very low dosages of ASM in preference over higher dosages (although of course for ultimate preference zero dosages) and I can think up an interesting project out of what has happened (writing a prog to randomly decimate my diary notes for September); and also, significantly, because I find evidence that things learnt from my website are having an effect on the way schizo type people are treated and attempts made to communicate with them (a lot of them feeling loneliness if communication is impossible), this evidence from blogs I read on the internet and from the style in which a police officer spoke to Dawn last night in asking her about her report on the telephone of a man shouting for help in the Chapel Walk shopping precinct in Worcester (my presumption being the cries for help were set up by the Authorities, but the reasoning behind the scenario I cannot tell), I feel inclined not to destroy the whole of September’s notes but now to take rest.
02/10/07 02:08 [Tuesday]
I think I may be subject to enquiry from nighttime voicers about communication; at least this question is in my mind. I think I may be suffering a different form of ASM: a modern drug, I would think, but one I am not usually given (the main reason I say that is the increased viscosity of my saliva, a ‘side-effect’ I have not had as far as I can recall in recent years, and it is my belief it is a side-effect and not natural, due to a mild form of pleurisy - say - after our night out, that being the only other possibility I can attach any probability to at all). My best guess is that I am subject to this enquiry and that it is ill-premissed, that is that those framing the question have no conception that to communicate can be either more, or less, onerous in terms of putting things in order for communication. My best guess is that the questioners take a simple-minded view that to communicate, mainly in words, and in fact to communicate in spoken words in particular, is in human nature and if there is no defect of something akin to ‘intelligence’ and no defect in the mechanics of speech-production, communicating (in spoken words in particular) is something anyone can do if they want to. These are only guesses, of course, as the questioners (who I now think of as the arm of the Authorities which frames the sub-Experiments and the questions to be asked by nighttime voicers) do not communicate with me in a direct manner. I must say the guessed hypothesis as to their way of regarding things is so ridiculously simple-minded that I have considerable doubt whether it is an accurate hypothesis; but then again it did seem to represent Armond’s way of regarding matters when he advised that to communicate and be sociable were things I must just strive myself to do.
It is, as I say, difficult to imagine people can think in that way, because it contains such inconsistencies. I’m sure Armond said something like ‘make an effort’, that is to be sociable. Saying that, he knew it would be an effort - for some people, including myself - to communicate in a sociable way. But what his thoughts might have been on why anyone should make such an effort, or any effort in any regard, is beyond me. Ideas which occur to me are along the lines that not making an effort is lazy and close to immoral, and people ‘should’ make effort. Well, would it be right for people to make an effort to overcome their natural repugnance at say putting someone’s eye out, and regularly do such a thing (until imprisoned)? I simply cannot get my head round such a way of regarding matters as Armond and others (so far as I can tell) genuinely have.
02/10/07 02:34
However, trying my hardest - making an effort because I am interested to try to unravel why people (supposedly scientists, or at least ‘Social Scientists’) think in such a way (apparently) - I can recall speaking to people about ‘moral’ questions on one or two occasions. When I told Zoë about Caroline’s assault on me, saying Caroline had no sufficient internal mechanism by which she empathised with me in pain which she was causing, and hence was not deterred (in the instant) by such shared pain, Zoë thought it a most unnatural way of regarding the matter. Zoë’s way of looking at it (I believe) was that it was wrong to commit assault, and that was that. But for me such an analysis (if you can call it that) is not detailed enough. Caroline did assault me - or cause me pain in a sequence it is reasonable to call assault - and therefore there was some mechanism in terms of causes and effects one after the other which led to my pain; and this sequence I was mildly interested in unravelling (only mildly because it was not very difficult to unravel).
02/10/07 02:47
The imaginary (or hypothetical) structure coming together in my head is that the basis of this seeming question from nighttime voicers for the Authorities has underlying it their desire for me to communicate what being affected by ASM - which they must have surely cottoned on I find unpleasant - ‘is like’ and in particular what is unpleasant in it. The thing is, they have no clue (seemingly) how to achieve their end (of persuasion). Or they may know, but have insufficient funding. Zoë’s purported boyfriend asked me how much I would have to be paid to volunteer to take antischizophrenic drugs. My answer was several millions (in pounds) for a week perhaps, with an upper limit to the time which would not under any circumstances be altered and for me to be free of such drugs for all time thereafter. He laughed at that, pretty certainly thinking I was exaggerating or joking or whatever. Yet what I said was the truth, and if it baffles people that I show so little sign of the distress I feel when I am given these drugs what I say is (in me, but perhaps not for everyone given them) they defeat adequate communication. If it baffles people that after having been given them I do not get more het up, I reply I do get het up sometimes (seemingly in the immediate aftermath of a significant dosing, as in 2004 when I shouted at Zoë outside her mother’s house) but it is not in my nature to take reprisals (say against Armond). This you may regard as my ‘weak ego’ - that I do not murder a man who (apparently responsible) caused me immense distress lasting a period of decades, removing any happiness from my life for that period - and my reply is, you can say I have weak ego and it leads to advantage having been taken of me in that way (which I know understates the horror of it) but still my response is to seek to persuade those empowered to cause such distress that it is to no-one’s advantage to do so. I know such a method would be no good with psychopaths who given a chance might kill me for five pounds in my wallet, but my answer to that is I hope to avoid such psychopaths.
02/10/07 03:15
I think I must deal with my attitude to money, especially as in the Cathedral Café yesterday an agent of the Authorities was speaking on the phone to someone about someone who was a computer whizz but was being paid much less than someone else seemingly less competent. The only reasons I sometimes feel I have insufficient money are related to change and to the extra processing requirement if placed in a predicament which would not exist if more funds were available. Literally speaking - that is compared to others in the same society - we are not short of money: we have two homes.
To deal with change: I am now accustomed to own a computer and if we lost so much money that I could not afford to keep one up, the change (from having to not having) would be difficult. However, in the past I did not - could not - own a computer as they cost millions of pounds, so it is not vital to my happiness to own a computer (and indeed in the present context I could easily - but not so conveniently - get to use one, say in a public library).
To deal with predicaments: we have two homes and travelling between them is a cost which implies we want to have enough money to do so. If we didn’t have enough money to do so, there would be a raised processing requirement in deciding which one to dispose of (given that Dawn likes being near her family and I agree it is a good thing, but on the other hand I feel so much safer - and happier, on the whole - when we are in Kingswinford) and this processing requirement (until the matter was resolved) would be difficult for me.
Dawn is not ill, because of the context we are in. In fact a lot of the time she is happy (depending on the drugs getting into her: in particular given reserpine in the tapwater at the park home recently she was frequently tearful, which from my own memory of reserpine definitely translates into unhappy). She would however find it difficult if I went out to work leaving her to cope on her own (with life in the periods I was at work), and might become ill in a way recognisable by the Social Security system (but still because she is a married woman with insufficient stamp her only hope of benefit would be DLA). A sequence not uncommon in schizophrenia it seems is for sufferers to work for a while, thereby becoming ill, then to have time off with sick money thereby coming to appear well on which the sick money being cut off, they go back to work and the cycle repeats. The conclusion in our case is that I am reluctant to go out to work at this cost to Dawn’s well-being, and this has to be - or would have to be - set against our need for money.
Coming to the question of what schizophrenics ‘really want’, I am tempted to say it is to be left alone. Yet many I suppose it must be true become lonely if left on their own a lot. This is what causes their predicament in modern society (but on the other hand modern society in offering the internet eases loneliness by that means). Myself I believe the old long-stay asylums were a very good answer, certainly before antischizophrenic drugs came into being. Sufferers could be looked after without their having to process for real-world demands such as paying the rent and buying food, and after a while in the same institution they would benefit from complete familiarity with it. And they would not be lonely or stressed if they were allowed to sit with others without exchanging a word. The modern idea is that schizophrenia can be cured - hope of this raised I suppose by the success of these horrible drugs in taking florid symptoms out of evidence - and the excuse for treatment in the community (started off as a means by which Mrs Thatcher mistakenly thought the cost to the State of long-stay hospitals could be saved) is that it gives sufferers practice for the hereafter when they ultimately will be cured. The Victorian long-stay hospitals were out in the country with benefit to everybody - ordinary residents who don’t want loonies next door, and sufferers who get fresh air and plenty of outdoor exercise.
02/10/07 14:04
The stimulant drugs presumably in the crackers or the butter - the remainder of both of which I have now chucked, together with the remaining ginger biscuits - are wearing off in myself, and I have been lying on the bed (as the water I am testing boils away). Dawn however is certainly under the influence of a stimulant, presumably deriving from bread she has been eating. For lunch we both had ravioli from a tin.
There is no evidence, actually, that I can see, of ASM in either of us. I am distracted from the mental work I would be doing, but I guess the stimulant alone can cause that.
02/10/07 16:53
I am doing our budgeting, and I feel it most unfair that The Experiment continues to cost us. The first casualty will be my teeth: I shall cancel the work which was due to be done a week Thursday. Also, as far as I’m concerned we can live in Kingswinford and visit Dawn’s family as and when. Dawn disbenefits (seemingly, although why it should be so I do not know, that is why the drugs given seem to be different in Bassetlaw) from more ASM in the tapwater at the park home than in Kingswinford, although she does not see it. Still, if she wants to ensure we continue with the park home the onus is on her. Unfortunately the way the Social Security system works she is not entirely a free agent because unless she works - and risks becoming ill - she has very little income of her own. I had been worried about the obligation to continue paying the ground rent, not knowing the legal position if we cease to occupy the park home. If the park home were destroyed we would not be liable for the ground rent: therefore it is not necessary to continue its insurance. This will save us a couple of hundred this month. I shall do my utmost to avoid being inveigled into paying the Bassetlaw Council Tax too, although I feel slightly more moral obligation there and probably could easily be ‘hypnotised’ to pay it. I shall try to make funds difficult of access so that I cannot easily pay it online under the influence early one morning (the likeliest scenario). The ground rent is already several weeks in arrears and I shall try to continue to resist Dawn’s suggestions it be paid.
We had a sleep this afternoon and I may now be free of drugs (I have had tinned potatoes for tea, with Heinz Ploughman’s Pickle, and drank a Fruit Shoot: the latter may have been drugged and this may be why I feel energetically annoyed about the budget). Dawn has eaten bread which I think very likely is drugged, from what I remember concluding the other day.
My saucepan has something of a dry residue, and if this will dissolve in say a cupful of water swirled round, it should contain a high concentration of the drugs.
02/10/07 17:18
The powdery residue dissolved easily in cold tapwater, so I reckon I have a good concentration in about 300ml of what looks like water.
I know it’s only a small thing, but I am deprived now of the pleasure of listening to the radio as Dawn - under the influence of more stimulant than I - cannot tolerate it being on. There are various partial solutions if I absolutely must listen to the radio - such as taking myself off into another room or even away from the house - but the truth of the matter is that Dawn is suffering, whatever choice either of us makes, from the effect of the drugs in raising her liability to frustration (and I also to some extent as it is evident the Fruit Shoot drink was in fact drugged).
Because the local Kingswinford police station is no longer manned - it is an occasional base for Community Support Officers - to make a complaint (the obvious thing to do except for our past experience of complaining to police) we have the cost of getting to Stourbridge (which if we can go at a time our bus passes apply I suppose is a cost to us only in time, plus the risk of something happening detaining us late at night: but at least we could walk home from Stourbridge which we could not from Worcester). The reason I think I am more willing to entertain the idea of complaining to police of stimulant drugs rather than ASM - as well as the general principle that I feel more sure of myself on stimulants and have more energy - is that it is quite easy to tell from what I have ingested stimulants but it is less obvious (due to degraded resolution of awareness, I imagine) in the case of ASM. I must say it is terrible to be deprived of the ability adequately to complain - or communicate the fact of the unpleasure - on ASM, which of course is one reason I in the past and no doubt many others could not escape these drugs.
On the day we ended up in Worcester - Sunday it was - the day started with me chucking the Maxtor portable hard drive in the lake and then intending to go to Stourbridge to complain to police that this financial loss to me was directly attributable to the drugs, that is fear of continuation of ASM I suffered in September plus the effect lately of stimulants. The reason I chucked it was to deprive those drugging me of information - they might steal the Maxtor drive as they stole the E-machines drive in August 2005, or somehow steal the information from it if it was connected to the computer while I was on the internet - because I thought they drugged me in order to obtain information, that is I thought I might by chucking the drive discourage drugging which is too much of a burden in my life.
Another cost to us is extra Paracetamol for all the headaches, plus the implicit fear the supposed Paracetamol may contain improper drugs worsening the headache.
The police I suppose now have their response rehearsed, that is that they need physical proof of the presence of drugs, and what we would gain (besides working off some frustration by moving about, for example to Stourbridge) would be to cost a junior officer’s time and incur even more cost ourselves (the latter might profit us if the Authorities regret the consequences which - who knows? - might include the uninsured loss of the park home).
Another cost to us is laundering unnaturally soiled underwear. It may sound a small cost and even a joke, but if it keeps happening the costs mount up.
02/10/07 20:15
Let me say immediately as I may later lose track that having got home from Somerfield Stourbridge I have started on a packet of Aero Bubbles bought there. After eating about a third of the bag (about 45g therefore) I am slowing down and feeling less alert where previously I was very alert the earlier stimulant no doubt not having fully worn off. Also my hunger is actually noticeably increased since starting to eat the sweets. And a headache seems to be developing. I am in a quandary whether to chuck the rest of the sweets or preserve them as evidence. I suppose the latter would be a foolish hope - to get them tested or whatever - so I shall chuck them.
02/10/07 20:24
Our rear security light is working: that’s one good thing.
The best guess must be that the Aero Bubbles now chucked did contain drugs - probably ASM as Dawn seemed affected by ASM in Stourbridge after drinking Diet Coke bought at Somerfield (but possibly in fact due to drugs she had taken in earlier) - and therefore that all the sweets on sale there (because I chose randomly) were drugged (as at the Harworth Co-op recently, I concluded). This puts doubt in my mind regarding the other stuff we bought at Somerfield Stourbridge this evening: for example it is virtually certain the milk will be drugged.
I suppose it is possible the ASM seemingly now beginning mildly to affect me derived from the Fruit Shoot drink earlier, as Dawn’s ASM effects may have derived from bread she ate at tea-time. (I must conclude that Dawn’s ‘burning up’ is actually an effect of whatever antischizophrenic drug it is, despite my associating elevated temperature usually with stimulant drugs. Some modern antischizophrenic drugs do evidently have a stimulant component to their action: for example risperidone causing me to have to get up in the night to pass water.)
We did not go to the police, and this actually is evidence that ASM antecedent to the Aero Bubbles was affecting me.
02/10/07 20:40
I have chucked the remaining Fruit Shoot drinks. I am proposing to eat the second half of a tin of potatoes for supper, the first half of which I had for tea. My memory is not crystal clear as it should be and I cannot be sure the drug effects I have had might not have started with the potatoes. In any case it is possible the potatoes - left open when we went out this evening - have been interfered with. Evidently the people who understand these drugs given to me - presumably those authorising that I be given them understand them in a sense - do not take the view as I do, that it is immeasurably preferable for my mind to be crystal clear.
02/10/07 20:54
Eating the potatoes now, they seem very bland, and really I would like to eat cheese spread triangles with them; I find the prospect very tempting. This attachment to the external is an effect of the ASM affecting me, wherever it came from, and I run the risk therefore of carelessly taking more drugged foods - just as in the 1980s most likely my attachment to coffee meant I was taking in more reserpine instead of avoiding it.
The attachment to the external means too that I am particularly noticing pain in my tongue where earlier I bit it, and bit it because of reduced resolution of my motor processes (probably with a contribution from too much vigour due to admixed stimulant).
03/10/07 00:31 [Wednesday]
§1. I’ve been awake about ten minutes, and I strongly suspect have been wakened earlier than would be natural by voicers for the Authorities. However, I am feeling happy about it, not at all grumpy or resentful. The reason, I would guess, is that the voicers have put things into my mind which are of interest to me (and may have done it in a way flattering my self-esteem, or at least in an emotionless way which I could not interpret as censure or scoffing or whatever). Apart from the fact that I can’t see why without outside interference I should have woken so early, the ideas in my mind might be my own, that is ideas which I would freely think about because they interest me greatly. Usually by introspecting on the sequence of events (when able to do so in the sufficient absence of drugs) I can determine whence have arisen ideas in my mind. In the dim and distant past (when there was no possibility of nighttime voicing), so far as I remember, the ideas in my mind on waking could be traced back to the ideas in it the night before.
§2. I’d better say that what is in my mind now, on waking, is the question why people do things - mainly I mean things they ‘freely’ choose to do - and how giving them drugs perverts such choices. This I suppose has been ‘in the air’ and the question might arise naturally in my mind from considering - mulling over, except I have no recollection of doing so consciously - the fact that the Authorities make a big thing of allowing me freely to choose my own course of action.
§3. This brings up another matter which I suppose now will take me into a tangential preamble. To know what is present in the world about one - which fundamentally is pattern recognition - takes a combination of evidence from the external (gathered through the senses) plus internal generation of hypotheses what might be going on. A favourite simple example: the crossword puzzle. You see a partly completed word, say W-RD, and the sensory evidence does not itself thrust at you the answer. Amoeba cannot internally generate hypotheses, and any ‘answers’ they come up with are thrust directly at them by the environment affecting their senses (such as they are). That is their outer membrane (or whatever the mechanics actually are) detects some noxious chemical, and through a mechanical sequence almost as simple as striking a billiard ball and its ‘response’, the amoeba withdraws, this almost amounting to ‘is pushed away’. However, as I say, human beings are somewhat more complex, and observing the structure of letters W-RD they do not show a mechanically determined response (or at least, not mechanically determined in a simple way). There arise in the mind of the crossword enthusiast various patterns he has come across before, which are candidates for the solution: eg WORD and WARD. He then uses further evidence - and this may in more complex cases entail putting out some output to gather evidence, which fundamentally is ‘hypothesise-and-test’ - to select among the candidates, that is the hypotheses.
§4. When the processing task - which is basically a task of pattern recognition, that is determining what is present in the world around one in order to find an appropriate sequence of behaviour in response (which of course may consist of stillness, which observers might see as zero behaviour) - becomes so complex that the frontal brain is called into action, the generation of hypotheses - and plans of action intertwining finding out what is going on around one and responding appropriately - becomes combinatorially complex, by virtue of the neural structures in the frontal cortex which are designed (that is have come about through evolution) to model complexity in the real world, usually including causal sequences and the way causal sequences can be interfered with by one’s own output (that is, how to effect Will). I have previously [Saturday 14 July 2007] dealt with causal sequences and the frontal brain, and why implicit in the operation of the frontal brain is Will that is the notion of bringing something about by putting out output (even though in some people using the frontal brain amounts to thinking what they might do without actually doing anything, nonetheless the basis of it is the notion of putting out output - but sometimes deferred indefinitely into the future).
03/10/07 01:20
I have got distracted by looking back at what I wrote in July, and find myself wondering if my suspicions of being drugged are always accurate. The point is I have suffered undoubted drugging over the years - from injections of antischizophrenic drugs - which afterwards I have become aware of in how deleterious were the effects, which with a clearer mind off the drugs I have been better able to assess. From time to time now I enjoy seemingly disproportionate happiness which always is associated with clarity of my thinking (notably in Welshpool two or three weeks back). At the same time I can hardly doubt that Dawn is often affected by drugs - for example because of otherwise unaccountable and quickly changing tearfulness, eg on the way home from Welshpool and at the park home day after day recently. To suppose nighttime voicers have advised her to carry a bottle of tapwater when we go out - until recently, anyway - is of course only conjecture as I have no recording of the voicing, yet the pieces of evidence (that we are subject to drugging, certainly in the tapwater and often in bought food and drink) add up to become very compelling. In fact boiling away tapwater to leave the powdery residue I achieved yesterday almost certainly provides - or will provide when I have collected enough residual powder - incontrovertible evidence in respect of the tapwater. Still, in individual cases of foods and drinks I cannot be certain, and rely on evidence (most of the time, as in July just gone) of close-to-physical facts such as my degree of sleepiness, my bowel habits and aches and pains in my body. It doesn’t matter (in evidence) if I am wrong in assessing individual foods and drinks, because the appalling fact is the certain fact, that my mind is distorted often by drugs. (Of course it matters in that I have a very powerful desire to evade mind-altering drugs, because it seems certain to me that by doing so I achieve greatly increased happiness - as in Welshpool on that recent occasion.)
People can obtain ‘happiness’ by taking euphoriant or milder mood-elevating drugs, but I trust my introspective assessment that I am most happy - supremely happy - when my mind in being crystal clear is without drugs. There are no drugs which can induce such crystal clarity of the mind (although very mild stimulants - say caffeine - may help by increasing wakefulness).
I have moved away from what seemingly was voiced to me in my sleep, and this I regard as evidence that the subjects seemingly voiced were not genuinely subjects freely arising in my mind. In fact around paragraph §4 above I was becoming bored with what I was writing, which no doubt explains my change of course coming about in reading some of what I wrote in July. I can understand much better why I might be thinking things along the lines of to what extent I am right from time to time in suspecting drugs, than I can why I might have been thinking the things I woke up thinking. Yesterday I suffered drugging and I have the problem this morning of testing foods we bought in Stourbridge last night: these matters are of much more concern to me at the moment than the basis on which people freely decide what to do. Why so? Because if I am being drugged my clarity of thinking - and associated happiness - while it may produce ideas which seem interesting or clever to other people is actually suboptimal.
03/10/07 01:57
I am drinking a glass of the Diet Coke bought last night. I think as the probability of grossly hurtful quantities of antischizophrenic drugs in it seems low, I may risk drinking a good amount, on the basis that if it has to be left undrunk when we go out it may well be interfered with, and drinking more of it I shall detect any drugs present better, and presumably drinking more now means I shall need to drink less later of things which may themselves turn out to be drugged.
03/10/07 02:02
I am drinking a second glass.
03/10/07 03:00
I am a trifle confused - but possibly only because I have not been attending closely to the external - but I am about half-way through what must be my third glass of the Diet Coke. About five minutes ago I had a sudden urgent need to pass water: such urgency has been unknown to me in recent months, although some while ago it occurred very frequently.
I am thinking I might re-do the Amilo Pro installation from the start, while I have uninterrupted (hopefully uninterrupted) use of broadband internet.
I notice I have a headache, but - again presumably because my attention is on matters inside my head - I have done nothing about it (such as take Paracetamol). I can’t say whether I had the headache before drinking any of the Diet Coke, but the theory is very tempting that the Diet Coke contains a high-level stimulant drug causing my attention to focus on the internal and giving rise to headache. To give further evidence, there is however no noticeable elevation of libido. Apart from the physical symptoms - the most marked of which was the sudden urinary urgency, but there is also the headache - I would not suspect drugs. (Another symptom might be the early waking, but the same drug must in that case have derived from a different source possibly the Aero Bubbles, as I drank no Diet Coke last night.)
Developing this theory, one would have to suppose this is a very low dosage of amphetamine with no ASM admixed. Usually on what I think of as amphetamine I have elevated libido and self-congratulatory euphoria, both of which are seemingly not present at all now. It may be that these latter symptoms depend on a higher dosage of amphetamine, but usually the admixture of ASM suppresses other symptoms, for example urinary urgency.
I find I am going over - more than once - the words I have just used, within my mind, and this must surely be another symptom of a high-level stimulant drug.
03/10/07 03:22
The rest of the Diet Coke has been chucked. The main reason is that I do not trust the perpetrators and my best guess why they might give me amphetamine - based for example on events in the past - is to build up the dosage to produce a schizophrenic-like condition, with all the risks for me that implies - for example the risk of detention under the Mental Health Act - as well as simply distraction from what I would freely choose to do with my time.
03/10/07 03:28
Another symptom: noticing the physical attractiveness of our new DAB radio. This I suppose is a conflation of the implications - enjoyment of such good-quality music, specifically - with the physical form of the provider of such implied benefits (implied meaning not present to my senses here and now). This reminds me powerfully of the sensations I used to get in the later 1970s watching snooker pots, where the pleasure to the higher mind (in the achievement of what in effect was a strike, like a goal in soccer or a catch in cricket, a form in sport of achievement emotion) became conflated with the sensory evidence from actually watching the cueing [regrettably the Shorter OED edition which I have does not include cue in the snooker sense as a verb so cannot advise whether the spelling is cuing or cueing; but it has the word cueist as a skilled user of the cue, so I suppose cueing must be the preferred form - note added 04/10/07 05:52] and the movement of the ball (and especially its dropping into the pocket). Needless to say the pleasure I had used to get from watching snooker, and from listening to music, came to an end entirely when I was drugged by Armond.
03/10/07 04:09
Although I cannot see why I myself might independently have had the ideas in my mind which I did have when I woke up, I can I believe model the thinking the Authorities might be presumed to have had on the assumption they were voicing a question about the interaction between people’s free choices and the distortion of their brains/minds by (specifically) stimulant drugs. It was felt undesirable for Dawn and myself to be on the streets of Worcester overnight (this drawn to my attention just now by a sneezing fit I had). The Authorities wish to be able to drug me without such unfortunate consequences, if possible. Since one of my main motivations in not taking a hotel was to point up the cost to us of being drugged, and to deter such drugging, it is difficult to see how the Authorities’ desire is anything but a non-starter. (Dawn doesn’t like hotels but in an alternative I could possibly have striven to find a way of affording a taxi, say by offering to pay on arrival home or something - not having thought through what would actually have been feasible - but I gave next to no thought to practical ways of coming up with the money, because it seemed advantageous to put up with a night on the streets to discourage future drugging.)
It is as if the Authorities think it is costless to me to be drugged, and they even seem not to understand why I detest ASM. Are they fools or what? I agree it’s interesting to find out about the interaction of brain and mind, but this way of going about it is so unusual that surely extreme precautions need to be taken to protect Dawn and myself, not only physically but precautions not to take over our lives too greatly (but to pay us for the extent we are made use of). In the early 1980s because my life was distorted by the drugs 24/7 I presumed I would be paid a vast amount (but even then I knew I would not have agreed to what was being done for any money). I thought in terms of conscription, whereby young people are made to live life in the armed forces - 24/7 except I suppose for leave - and paid a modest amount, for a period of years. But, I thought, conscription was surely foreign to the Brave New Callaghan World. I could not fathom it.
I suppose the (presumed) fact of the question, implying ‘in what way is people’s freedom of choice distorted by being given mind-altering drugs?’ in itself shows that the Authorities do not understand to what extent being subject to these drugs is a taking-over of our lives. To help schizophrenics - that is to cause prescribers to understand the distortion carelessly prescribed ASM may cause - I agree it would be a good idea for it to be explained in what way such distortions do occur from mind-altering drugs. So I will give thought to it.
03/10/07 04:34
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This is the All Programs list presently for the Amilo Pro. (I am repeating much the sequence started around Wednesday 25 July 2007 with the listing then of the All Programs list, in preparation for a system backup which actually I did not complete - presumably being drugged with ASM - until Tuesday 14 August 2007.) |
And here are Program Files:
04/10/07 03:07 [Thursday]
I have not had any bowel movement for a number of days now, so I have taken some Epsom Salts. Yesterday morning my mind seemed well-organised and what I was doing was make backups to DVD of files taking up a lot of space - Additional Documents, as I am calling them, of one sort or another - in preparation (still) for reinstalling the Amilo Pro system. After lunch I became less clear in the head, and ‘tired’, so that I went and rested in bed for a while. My conclusion was that likely the mince bought from Somerfield the evening before contained the mixture of stimulant and ASM now employed at a much lower dosage; I concluded this about the dosage because I noted that the drugs seem to wear off entirely overnight so that when I first get up (and this applies now) I am clear in the head with no lagging of the seriatim or similar problem - no bleariness, really - but later in the day depending on what gets into me I become tired on and off the tiredness substantially wearing off after say two hours in bed (so it appeared yesterday). The same as in the case of the early-morning Diet Coke yesterday, I barely myself noticed any stimulant in the lunch (presumably in the mince, as I say) in fact even less so than with the Diet Coke, presumably because ASM from the earlier Diet Coke was clouding my perception and also directly opposing the effect of the stimulant. I noticed a stimulant effect in Dawn - angry agitation verging on paranoia - and although I’m not absolutely sure of the timing my presumption is that this came on after she ate the mince, and certainly later on she calmed down which I can see must have been the ASM in the mince exerting its effect (later, as I say: stimulants always seem to have effect sooner). She became tearful and what one would have to call bitter as the ASM began to have effect, before becoming equable later; from this I conclude the ASM was reserpine (and I myself had no legs effect) but (mainly from my own reaction, as Dawn’s level of serotonin seems undeniably significantly lower than my own) probably with an antidepressant admixed. Having said that, it is probably the case that her much more pleasant mood later on was not because the drugs had soon worn off (the hypothesis I had been toying with), but because the antidepressant had kicked in. And mentioning her interlude of bitterness, I now realise I myself went through such a phase of bitterness (but as usual orally taken drugs take longer to produce effect in Dawn than in myself) thinking I might as well scrub all my recent diary notes, not render any assistance to the Authorities and just wait for it to blow over and for them to stop drugging us.
Because the drugs are in such a low dosage and I (at least) do not take them in continuously (eg because I avoid tapwater and try my utmost to obtain safe food and drink and chuck any food or drink as soon as it shows evidence of containing drugs) the most problematic aspect for me now lies in the fluctuating effects I get. As I said, early in the morning my mind is OK (although perhaps not as crystal clear as it might be had I not been drugged at all the day before) but unless I am lucky enough to entirely evade drugs during the day, I am affected by such fluctuating effects as I have described for yesterday. These fluctuating effects produce a disproportionate output response - this presumably related to the effectiveness of change on and in the nervous system - as for example when what was probably quite a mild dosing at the Cathedral Café the other day (however I did drink both bowls of soup myself) produced the disproportionate effects seen in our being outdoors overnight. Another less mechanistic way of saying the same thing is that when I have been free of drugs for hours - all morning, say - I become sanguine that I am having success and may perhaps evade them for all time, and if I then suffer effects I become bitterly disappointed and react strongly as I did in Worcester on Sunday. The fact that I avoided drugs so successfully the day we went to Welshpool and my recent memory of the consequent extreme pleasure (the extremely pleasant clarity of mind, if you like to say it in terms less redolent of of hedonism) also continues to have the effect of motivating me to resist being drugged, signifying to me that I am having considerable success in it and thereby keeping up my vigour (unlike when I have suffered drugging with ASM for weeks and months introduced insidiously as Dr G introduced risperidone to me towards the end of 2005, when there was an insidious growth of demoralised acceptance in me of the fact that the prescribers of these awful substances had the upper hand and irrespective of whether they were foolish or malicious - or something in-between in being unfeeling vivisectionists willing to see me suffer for the greater good - there was nothing to be done about it).
The disparity between my inward horrific sensations on these drugs and the failure to respond of the prescribers when I advert to these problems is something I find it difficult to come to terms with. Around January of 2006 I told Dr G about the legs effects I was getting, that they were so bad sometimes that I needed to go to bed to ease them, sometimes as early as 6 pm. He evidently did not dream of discontinuing or reducing the prescription, and had he thought clearly about his decision his assessment must have been that the health benefit to me of the injections - which again is incomprehensible to me, as there was no health benefit so any benefit to me must have been in his presumptions not in his observation of my individual case - made it worthwhile for me to be so debilitated that I had to go to bed at 6 pm sometimes. Some patients are made so ‘tired’ by their medication - and this applied to myself in the 1980s - that they spend most of the day in bed. My guess must be that the prescribers think that this is not an effect of the medication but that the patient would laze about in bed all day anyway. Again, the fact of their mistake in this regard is incredible, that it allows the continuation of such mis-prescription.
04/10/07 03:54
I mention that I am drinking coffee made with a different bottle of Evian from the safe - different from the one I used yesterday, that is.
04/10/07 03:56
It must be the case that psychiatrists are complete fools. As I said, at the start of 2006 I was being given risperidone by injection and there was no health reason for it (so that my presumption at the time - partly right, no doubt - was that it was being done for purposes of investigation) and similarly over the years - say in the 1980s - I was being given injections of Modecate (and possibly other drugs) which not only weren’t required for my health, but were having such a terribly detrimental effect that I could not be in employment. It seems clear that Armond - the prescriber then - felt that the reason I was not in employment was my own choice; and I believe he tried varying the dosage of the injections - to very high levels - in an attempt to ‘cure’ me. As the drugs were not improving my health in any way - in fact the only effect was of debilitation - I cannot understand on what he based his decision to continue prescribing at all, let alone to up the dosage. Prescribers surely cannot use any genuine evidence from observation of the patient: they must base their decisions when prescribing on their antecedent presumptions. (As I have said, formerly ECT was much used on schizophrenic patients, but now it is much less fashionable in schizophrenia: well, I find it terrible that patients suffer such treatments - and now inappropriate drug treatment in frequent cases, evidently - because of fashions in psychiatry, not related at all to actual observation of the facts of the case.)
Psychiatry is very like astrology. Astrology purports that there is a relationship between the stars in the heavens at the time of birth and the personality of the subject, and every proper statistical assessment has found that it is not so. Still, many books are sold on the subject and astrologers paid to give readings, and this seems OK in making money for the authors and practitioners and giving rich ladies (mainly ladies) something to spend money on in a way which is fashionable in some circles and giving them a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to in-between the shopping trips, etc. (Speaking of shopping trips, a personal shopping assistant provides a similar way of spending money and helping people find employment, I suppose: all these helpers constituting, really, paid companions.)
I have no objection to paid companions; I have no objection to rich Hollywood stars (or anyone who can afford it) employing psychiatrists privately, or astrologers, or personal trainers or anything of that sort. As I say, it pleases the employer and pleases the employee in being employed. However, in the case of psychiatry, the ways of going on of such private psychiatric practitioners - similar as I say to astrologers - have carried over to the training of psychiatrists who form part of the State health service and their methods (in Britain). As I have said, for many years the decisions of psychiatrists - the diagnoses - gave credence to the notions Freud had about mother-love and so on (to make a pun of it), and as with State Communism surely now only people who are making a joke for the sake of it attach significance to such notions. They have fallen out of fashion.
Do I mind people - supposedly professional people - having mistaken ideas? It depends on the practical consequences. In the case of State-employed psychiatrists firstly the State is wasting money in employing them, and secondly (more importantly) those treated by them are in frequent cases (it seems evident) mis-treated and suffer as a result.
04/10/07 04:36
I am feeling hot and sweating, possibly unnaturally so. It may be that the Evian - retained from some weeks back, I think - is drugged. I have been thinking where I might obtain reasonably fresh river water (easier to be sure of, actually, nearby the park home than here). The River Stour is easily accessible, but what the quality of its water is like nowadays I am unsure. It is used to feed the parallel Staffs and Worcs canal, and the canals hereabouts have themselves been cleaned up a lot in recent years. Reasonably pure river water boiled should be OK, without needing treatment tablets which may contain improper drugs. It’s probably best to avoid water from say the River Severn, as I believe not fully treated sewage may still be allowed to be discharged into it. (The extent to which the State should ensure pure river water is available I have not thought out: the problem originates from the State collecting together people’s effluent, but the alternative would to oblige individuals to properly dispose of their own effluent and I don’t know how effectively that could be done. I believe even in the United States they have public sewerage systems.)
More generally it’s what is called infrastructure. In the United States the railway network I understand is a disaster, but who funds the building and maintenance of highways I’m not sure.
04/10/07 05:03
I think it was yesterday I was on about forming hypotheses in one’s mind to model what is going on around one in the environment, rather than simply reacting on the spur of the moment as amoeba do. However, I didn’t finish my remarks: I did not make the point which had originally set me writing about the subject.
The Epsom Salts have now acted in the way they should, unlike (with the same vial of Epsom Salts, I believe) last August, which seems to argue that then - last summer - there was a very powerful constipating effect presumably from ASM.
The question of modelling what’s going on has been brought back to my mind by the ‘coincidence’ of factors related to sewage and sewerage. Last night our toilet was blocked because Dawn put a lot of tissues down it, coming close to blaming me because they were tissues which I had used in a way she thought wasteful (she said I should use each tissue at least twice for blowing my nose). She said she would clear the toilet this morning. Not being too much ASM’d, it struck me that I might well need to use the toilet before she got up, so I cleared the blockage myself before going to bed (again, although ‘tired’ last night under the influence, I was not too tired). It is possible to relate this sequence - thinking perhaps Dawn was ‘hypnotised’ to cause the blockage and thereby to cause possible problems should I (or she) need to use the toilet early in the morning not having ‘bothered’ to clear it the night before - to ideas of what the State does for us (as above, in polluting rivers by collecting together a mass of effluent instead of leaving everybody’s effluent individually separate). I’m not all that sure - as I might be, pleased to seize on such a striking hypothesis as correct, if I were thinking less clearly on ASM - that this is the truth of the sequence, ie Dawn being ‘hypnotised’ and all, but I hold it in mind as a possibility. (One could also tie in the possibility I was made more constipated than I might have been - by additional constipating drugs - to confuse me as to how much ASM was affecting me, or to see how my ‘worry’ at being constipated had been increased last summer - or not increased, or lessened, conceivably - by being given more ASM.)
As I say, all this is conjecture. Like my theorising yesterday on the question which nighttime voicers might have asked - about the influence of drugs such as I suffered in Worcester on my ‘freely’ decided behaviour (in staying on the street all night) - it is me modelling what might be in the Authorities’ mind. This is a most unusual species of communication - that is nighttime advice and questioning to which the replies come via a website - but it is a species of communication, and in any communication what usually happens - and if it doesn’t happen it is poor communication (as when I have replied to questions in a truth-drugged condition; and another example is communicating with schizophrenics who cannot be in the world communicating and at the same time modelling stuff in their heads) - is that the people communicating model what is in each other’s minds so they have the same - or at least parallel - views internally of the subject matter. They may not agree, but if it is proper communication they understand each other’s point of view, if you like to put it in those terms. The problem with understanding psychiatrists, especially when I have been mentally debilitated by truth-drugs and/or ASM, is that their way of regarding matters is so irrational and counter-scientific. (In Christian theology a virtue is made of this, that ordinary people cannot understand the mystery of God. Even Jesuits sometimes have some difficulty with this.)
04/10/07 05:59
I am doing well this morning, particularly compared to yesterday morning which I have just looked at (my diary of the period after I woke up) in preparing a website update. Yesterday morning it can be seen how I lost track of what I was doing, at the same time becoming resentful against the Authorities for drugging us with such inadequate understanding of what they are about. There are no physical symptoms such as urinary urgency this morning, and even the feeling of hotness I conclude must have been due to our wayward central heating as I have become cooler and warmer in a cycle, almost certainly as the thermostat cuts out and in (thermostatic valves on radiators would be excellent if we could afford to get them fitted).
I mention I have eaten two or three slices of breaded ham bought at Somerfield Stourbridge two evenings ago. I say this because, having thought whether there are in fact any physical symptoms possibly of drugs, I do now note slight sinus pain, seemingly coming on since eating the ham. I shall nonetheless now put more water on for coffee.
07:44. Dawn often seems to be affected by the same drugs I am, any difference in our resulting behaviour explicable in terms of how long they take to have effect, and Dawn’s extra sensitivity to stimulants and her lower base level of serotonin. Dawn’s reaction previously - in particular excessive sleeping - I think may be explained by her less avoidance of tapwater and then (last year) the drugs in the tapwater were more significant as part of the total dosage getting into us. This morning she seems jumpy - for example she has seized the computer to read what I myself was reading, the website update now almost ready for publication - but I recognise equivalent jumpiness (or excitement) in myself. My explanation for it is not the presence of a stimulant drug, but withdrawal of ASM, which I - and I think we - have been suffering less and less although yesterday suffering a fresh onslaught.
Since going to Somerfield Stourbridge two nights ago I have - that is until this morning - been debilitated by drugs. The evening trip to Stourbridge itself followed tiredness Monday (consequent on what happened in Worcester) which meant no proper shopping could be done at a reasonable time and leading to me taking foods - and in particular the Fruit Shoot drinks - which had been left at home and either contained drugs when bought or (much more likely) were interfered with while we were up north.
The result was that Tuesday I was de-energised until late on - also distracted by feeling onus to update my website, even though de-energised or in more general parlance debilitated - and very similarly yesterday after eating some of the packet of Aero Bubbles the evening before (not having sense to be more wary, but also suffering the attachment to the external I have spoken of) and ‘testing’ the Diet Coke yesterday morning. This morning I - and we - seem to be free of drugs and I want to make sure to take advantage by getting in a supply of safe water and undrugged foods which I can lock away with changeable combination padlocks.
To put drugs in canned foods would require a lot of advance preparation: it has been done in the case of Red Bull which it was known a long time ago I was fond of, and it has been done in cases where small-scale production must be involved - eg Marks and Spencer canning their own Tonic Water. Bottles of drinks are much easier drugged.
09:15. I suppose the general point raised by our escapade in Worcester is valid, that is if one falls ill away from home and goes to A + E, how is one to get home if discharged (or if one discharges oneself) late at night? This causes me to realise we did in fact discharge ourselves, although received no advice against doing so. But previously we have gone to A + E and been discharged late on - eg at Alexandra Redditch in July 2005 (there, as far as I remember, the psychiatrist Lakti - or a similar name - discharged me when I said I had gone there hoping to waste ambulance resources and his time: his view must have been that I was responsible for my choice to do so and was not under the influence of drugs as I said I was and was not loony) - so I suppose the responsibility (in the recent Worcester case) was ours, except that we should not have been in A + E at all that is we should not have been drugged.
In a case where the patient does not discharge himself it may be that after treatment if it is late at night he would not be thrown out - especially if far from home without transport - but would be allowed with his carer to sit all night in A + E. Indeed we ourselves have done so on several occasions. The difference in the recent Worcester case was Dawn’s agitation because of the stimulant component in the drugs she had taken in (the same applied in my own case at Alexandra Redditch I suppose). In other words our behaviour was altered even though the drugs were not medically dangerous and not easily detected, even, by medical measurements.
The A + E could not really help us: certainly it wouldn’t have been appropriate to physically detain us increasing our frustration. It’s unfortunate that the bus timetables were wrong, but even had I been aware of the time of the last train home I might not have been able to ensure we caught it - even given a bus or a taxi to take us to the station - if Dawn’s condition had required us to stay at the A + E till late. In such a case had the A + E found that I was mistaken in my belief as to the seriousness of her condition - which would have required special effort on their part to check up, with knowledge hopefully of the difficulty we faced getting home late - it would have been up to them to discharge her early enough to catch the train. The point is I was not mistaken in that the drugs were affecting her mind and hence her behaviour - given that she is sensitive to stimulant drugs - but this mental (or behavioural, if you like) aspect of the effect of drugs is not of concern to A + E: indeed they have no way of measuring or assessing it.
The responsibility for our night under the stars lies with those arranging for us to have the drugs, most of which were taken in at the Cathedral Café I believe. And, as I have said before, being spiked unpredictably is a different matter from taking identical drugs in the identical dosage knowingly.
As the Worcester police said, I had no physical evidence of the spiking, but merely my introspective observations and observation of Dawn’s changed behaviour.
I suppose most conventional spikings are not going to be with modest dosages which alter behaviour - say in those of us particularly sensitive - in ways one could almost call subtle, but rather would produce dramatic unmistakable effects along the lines of running amok probably accompanied by gross physical symptoms which even A + E could measure (feverish temperature, vomiting, etc). And when mild spikings do occur in some way accidentally, they aren’t going to be continually repeated (except in cases of a deliberate campaign, usually of malice as on Emmerdale recently, but very few like ours which are not genuinely malicious although what to class it as I’m not sure).
05/10/07 00:17 [Friday]
I have a feeling - an unpleasant feeling, I feel I need to state explicitly, as some people (eg psychiatrists) seem to have difficulty determining whether I like something or don’t like it (eg Dr G when he seemed surprised that I felt negative towards Dr E for having been responsible for detaining me by compulsion, however hard to understand such an attitude in Dr G is for any normal person) - akin to frustration the unpleasantness in which is connected to a fear I may do the wrong thing. I feel an urgency to take some physical action, and the unnatural strength of this feeling is what leads to my fear: in other words I feel such an urgency that I fear I may act without sufficient forethought, that is without adequately calculating in advance what the results into the future might be. I have certainty that this feeling of urgency originated in a stimulant drug in Sainsbury’s Caledonian sparkling water I drank in Sainsbury’s café in Wolverhampton yesterday afternoon around 5 pm. I drank about a third of a 500ml bottle and have the rest still. As far as I can tell (and I have experience of being drugged many times in the past with stimulant drugs variously combined with other drugs) the only drug affecting me is this stimulant drug: for example there is no sedative drug or antischizophrenic drug admixed.
I shall state here that I am drinking coffee made with water procured yesterday from a tap in public toilets in Wolverhampton and granules bought a while back and (the granules) not having shown any sign over the days or weeks they have been in use, of containing drugs. I am eating cheese bought at Somerfield Stourbridge about three evenings ago. I am eating the cheese because I feel an unnaturally elevated hunger which from what I understand of drugs may come from the stimulant having earlier suppressed my natural appetite, so that this feeling of hunger is a rebound or at least an after-effect related to not having properly paced my eating earlier.
The fact that I have woken after so little sleep (I may have had perhaps three hours’ sleep) is further evidence of the presence in my system of a stimulant drug, as may be the vigour with which my bowels emptied when I got up just before midnight. My knowledge of drugs leads me to connect such unnatural symptoms (certainly to have such little sleep is unnatural - and I would remark I have no feeling of anxiety, although I do have the fear or perhaps I should say exaggerated level of concern I mentioned above) with stimulant drugs. I detected the onset of unhappy feelings soon after drinking the sparkling water in Sainsbury’s yesterday evening, and knew that they were due to drugs. There was no change in the environment to account for a sudden onset of unhappy feelings (except perhaps Dawn’s sudden angry attitude, but the unhappy feelings in me would not persist as they have from such a cause, nor have the side-effects there have been: even if it could be argued that my insomnia were due to worry over Dawn’s anger - most unlikely as she has often been similarly angry without such insomnia in myself - the feeling of urgency to take action in the physical universe unconnected to any particular aspect of the environment cannot be related to it: I do not for example feel I need to take physical action to deal with Dawn’s anger, which has abated anyway and anyway physical action would not be appropriate especially as I am under no physical threat from the anger she displayed) and because of the history I have suffered of spikings of my foods including especially drinks, I am certain the origin of the unhappy feelings lay in the Sainsbury’s sparkling water.
I am writing this as if in evidence to police or a Court, evidence that I am correct in saying Sainsbury’s have drugged me. The thinking indicated by the sentences I am writing is simpler than my thinking naturally would be, and this I would tie together with my concern that I may not think adequately before taking action in the physical universe. However I still do not think there is any drug (such as an antischizophrenic drug) reducing the effectiveness - the resolution - of my thinking (I say this because I have had a lot of experience of being subject to antischizophrenic drugs). I think that the stimulant drug I was given is tying my brain operations more closely to the physical universe. This is the basis of my feeling unhappy about this drug, because I am happy only when my higher mind is operating as it naturally does, which is being defeated now by the brain being tied (as I say) to the physical universe.
I detect now (by the introspection which comes to me without effort or intention) that my mind is becoming freer and part of this is that it is thinking more complex thoughts. The likely explanation for this is that I am coming to fuller wakefulness, although I cannot rule out further drugs, in the cheese or the coffee I have just taken. The increased complexity in my thinking could probably be measured in the complexity of my sentence structure (or possibly simply the lengths of the sentences), or the range of vocabulary I am beginning to use compared to a few minutes ago. This effect of fuller wakefulness is something I have commented on in months gone by, but the effect is plainer to me now because then my perception was obscured by being affected by antischizophrenic drugs. The increased wakefulness of course may be acting in concert with the drugs I was given at Sainsbury’s further wearing off (as they will over a number of hours) but if I had to say which was the predominant influence I would say it is coming to fuller wakefulness, at this time (05/10/07 00:58).
As I was waking up about an hour ago I had ideas in my head about what constitutes freedom, or rather deprivation of freedom, and in recent weeks I have had some interesting thoughts on this subject. I feel freer now than an hour ago, specifically freer of the over-concern that I might act without sufficient forethought. This I would relate to my ‘higher mind’ waking up better and being better able to perform the forethinking before action is taking or while it is being taken (I am thinking of going for a walk to try to get rid of my excess energy, as you might call it). In fact, feeling now almost able to trust myself to decide to take a walk (if I may put it in those terms) constitutes part of the increased feeling of freedom. If I am to take a walk I think it would be well to take advantage by fetching something back from my walk, such as food or drink. Ideas which occur to me are: food from the all-night BP garage, or water from the churchyard standpipe (however the latter was not in operation when tried recently).
I do not know whether it is fairer to wake Dawn or not to wake her. If there were no possibility that sedative drugs are affecting her, I would wake her without a doubt, but as things stand I fear she might suffer from being wakened and taken out walking if sedative drugs are acting on her. This is one way in which the fact that we are given drugs without our consent or foreknowledge leads to difficulty and possibly to untoward feelings of a physical or close-to-physical nature, that is related to the need for sleep (for example if I were to wake Dawn when she was affected by sedative drugs). I myself have suffered on frequent occasion by being under the influence of drugs with a sedative effect while yet needing to keep myself awake.
05/10/07 08:23
Dawn woke up of her own accord and we went out for a walk, to the other side of Stourbridge - about four miles from here then four miles back. My conclusion is that the cheese I ate - initially for tea perhaps 7 pm, then more when I got up (above) shortly after midnight - which came from Somerfield Stourbridge the evening several drugged items were bought there, was in fact drugged - with stimulant (which was what wakened me around midnight and stimulated me at the start of the walk) and ASM (which is now sapping my vigour and my interest in things I might do, so that I may go back to bed failing anything significant to do).
05/10/07 09:03
I seem to have woken up a bit having looked at what I have saved up in my computer (or rather in My Documents) of the ‘old’ website colinbrough.co.uk. For example, I have discovered that last Christmas my then CATCH-UP page contained two diary entries from 1977 which have since disappeared from the website. They cover the start of the period after I left university (in June 1977) when I had started work (in July 1977). I shall reinstate these entries to my 1977 diary on the website.
I have also re-interested myself in the computer I bought from Dawn’s grandson in mid-September (just gone). The initial problem - why it won’t work - is the failure of the plug carrying the 19V (or thereabouts) from the transformer to fit into its socket and thereby convey power, but I believe the battery also either will not retain charge or is not connected properly so is not charging at all.
05/10/07 09:45
The surge of vigour which I had leading to that entry of 09:03 indicates that there are drugs in what I took by mouth immediately prior, and the only thing I did take I believe were the remains of a cup of coffee left here when we were out on our walk.
This is mistaken. When we got back from our walk (about 6 am) I made myself a cup of coffee using water which had been shut in the safe while we were on the walk and which was a mixture the main part of which was water procured yesterday from a public toilet in Wolverhampton. This water (but then not mixed with any other water) I used yesterday evening to make at least one cup of coffee which I drank, and I believe one cup for Dawn with the same water.
This also is mistaken. The bases of these mistakes lies in seeming mental notes I have left for myself summarising certain aspects of what happened - eg that I made myself a cup of coffee before we went on our walk (around 1 am perhaps) which I only partly drank, and that what I have drunk within the past hour is the remainder, heated up in the microwave. This has led me to suspicion that the remainder was tampered with while we were out (because of the powerfully felt effects now of the remainder, different seemingly from the effects - zero or very mild - of the coffee drunk before the walk). This seeming memory turning out to have been false, my conclusion then was that the coffee of which I am certain I have just drunk a re-heated remainder (this latter not in doubt because such a recent memory, and without sleep intervening) was made after the walk and before a sleep which I wakened from soon after 8 am.
Because my memory of events since waking up soon after 8 am is becoming vaguer and more liable to confusion, I conclude I have ingested the drug which in June caused me similar confusion of memory or of organisation of memory and which I described in my diary as likely a barbiturate. I have ingested this drug in the only thing I have taken by mouth since waking up soon after 8 am, that is the remainder of a cup of coffee (re-heated in the microwave) which was made (the cup of coffee) before I fell asleep after returning from our walk around 6 am. This cup of coffee was made with a mixture of water left in the safe while we were on the walk, the major part of the mixture being water obtained yesterday from a public toilet in the Wulfrun Centre in Wolverhampton. Also used were coffee granules which seem to be the same I have retained in use for a period - days or even weeks - although there have been occasions when they were left accessible (that is neither carried with me nor locked in the safe). Mostly - until the last day, perhaps - I was using different granules, granules which had been retained securely always in the safe.
Yesterday evening what I drank was not coffee made with the water from Wolverhampton, but two small glasses (possibly 200ml in total) of the water neat. I noticed no effects then from the water (although we went to bed son afterwards, and in fact in bed I did feel agitation which I took to be the effect of a stimulant drug ingested earlier, probably at Sainsbury’s Wolverhampton).
It seems likely that in fact the feeling of agitation in bed (superseded by sleep) derived actually from that water, as it is easy to believe the feelings (agitation and then sleep) were the same I have now suffered this morning (‘surge of vigour’ followed by confusion of memory which I take to be an effect of barbiturate which later at night, or if I were in need of sleep, would not be noticed as confusion of memory because sleep would supervene). (The only other thing the effects - leading in fact to our walk, consequent on my wakefulness around 1 am because of the stimulant effect - could have been caused by - and which I did suspect, this leading me to chuck the cheese - was the cheese bought at Somerfield Stourbridge a few evenings ago, and which both Dawn and I ate with our tea around 7 pm yesterday evening.)
In summary, it is more likely that effects last night which led to my agitation in bed followed by a brief sleep followed by a wakeful night walking the streets, and effects now this morning of sudden vigour followed by confusion of memory, are both the same due to the water from the public toilet in Wolverhampton, than that they constitute separate effects due to the cheese last night and the coffee granules this morning.
05/10/07 10:46
Dawn is in a state of agitation almost certainly due to tapwater used to make her coffee, and presumably containing the same drugs as the Wolverhampton water used for myself (including the barbiturate component, although I cannot detect that simply from observing her). I point out that this morning I have a nosebleed, and have had one also in recent days. Whereas formerly I believed these nosebleeds came on when ASM wore off (this I thought - but since the actual events, trying to work them out in retrospect - was the case with the nosebleed I had shortly after starting work for Dudley Council in 1977) it now seems they are caused when I am given - after a break - powerful stimulants of the type in the Wolverhampton water.
My longer term mental organisation is not debilitated on these drugs, as it would be on ASM, but only shorter term organisation of memory (on occasion). My motivation is not affected, and the energy given by the stimulant (presumably amphetamine or related) is not reduced by the presumed barbiturate except for a short period corresponding to sleep or an interlude of disorganised memory equivalent to sleep in cases where I am not actually in need of sleep. With ASM I would be de-energised all the time (for say twenty-four hours, and continuously if fresh doses kept being given).
[6.15 pm. Notes were made longhand outside Somerfield Welshpool.]
19:13. We are on board the 1855 train from Welshpool to Shrewsbury (change for Wolverhampton and Birmingham New Street). I find I am having very mildly resentful thoughts on the way I have been treated in the past (but so mild that now a few minutes later I cannot remember the details of exactly what and when I was reflecting on but I think stated in general terms it concerned the incompetence of prescribers to understand enough how the drugs work and the fact they are permitted to prescribe with compulsion nonetheless). The degree of mildness I judge to just about correspond to the ASM I must have ingested in the six or seven crisps I ate from the packs bought for Dawn (or at least, at her request).
19:33. We have had the interruption of Shrewsbury - although we didn’t have to change after all - and I have drunk a stimulant drink - a guarana V-drink - from Somerfield Welshpool, and it has stimulated me possibly unnaturally as I am now overly joky and too hot and breathy in the external. (And - I meant to say but was distracted - it has distracted me unduly from my inward plan what I was planning to say.)
I think it might have been along the lines that the basis on which I was originally given stimulant drugs was different from the later bases. Because the first drugs I was given - surreptitiously almost certainly when I was a student at Cambridge - were antischizophrenic drugs, it follows that I was felt to be sufficiently schizophrenic to benefit from such drugs; and certainly the idea was not entertained that I might disbenefit. The first stimulant drugs were given I suppose experimentally on the guess that they might counter my underactivity - which in fact was considerably ‘worse’ than it would have been, because of the antischizophrenic drugs - and they were stepped up to presumably quite high dosages of amphetamine because there was no response observed. The reason there was no response observed was that schizo types with a satisfactory degree of frontal-brain linkage to provide ‘self-control’ - like me - respond to too-high activation within the environment by retiring - or fleeing - to a place where they can be calmer (at home is what it often amounts to). This self-righting mechanism was defeated by Armond’s crew by the extreme method of supplying powerfully stimulant drugs virtually inescapably within my home (and later by defeating escape by inviting me to sell the house I had myself and move in with traitorous parents, at a time I was disabled from acting for myself by a legal section and being rendered incompetent through the use of antischizophrenic drugs). The result of making escape from overactivation impossible - especially given the effect of antischizophrenic drugs on the schizo type whose highly effective frontal-brain linkage is essential for his functioning - was clearly bound to be a psychosis-like state. (But immediately reversible, as indeed probably all psychoses are except those due to brain injury or drug abuse where the drugs cannot be removed from availability.)
06/10/07 03:28 [Saturday]
Since I woke up about a quarter of an hour ago, I have put water on to boil: water which I obtained from a tap in the toilet in the Milk Bar in Welshpool yesterday and which I calculated as unlikely to be drugged because it was not a toilet run by a public body like a Council, and special preparation would have had to go into drugging it, preparation quite costly in terms for example of negotiating with the management of the Milk Bar as well as the physical arrangements, this having to be set against the likelihood (or otherwise) we would go there and I choose to obtain water thus. I have also mixed together various water bought yesterday in Wolverhampton: in one 1.5l Evian bottle - now in the safe - I mixed together mainly Vittel water bought in three 75cl bottles chosen randomly in Woolworths and which, tested yesterday, seemed to give no indication of being drugged. Another 1.5l Evian bottle (the one now in use, as you might call it) contains the remainder of the water from the Milk Bar, plus some of a 1.5l Buxton bottle bought on Wolverhampton railway station yesterday as we were outward bound to Welshpool, and possibly containing drugs because I and Dawn did suffer effects - of ASM - on the train out: but most likely those effects were due to drugs in crisps bought also on the station. The evidence lies in the relationship between the strength of the effect on me - ie very mild sleepiness - compared against the quantity of crisps I ate which was about seven and the strength of the effect on Dawn - sleepiness plus good-humour and failure to stress as I might expect her to stress - who ate the remainder; also on the timing of effects given that Dawn ate more crisps - which she had kept in reserve - on the journey back, whereas I did not. (My guess must be that the antischizophrenic drug in the crisps was a modern one which it would be too expensive to put regularly in tapwater.)
I woke up over a short interval with a feeling like boredom, ie boredom with sleep, especially given the stimulation yesterday in terms of stimulant drugs (such as seemed to be - that is unnatural drugs - in my V-drink) and stimulation from the environment enhanced by these stimulant drugs. I don’t feel there is much stimulant drug residual in my system - the evidence being absence of physical effects such as elevated muscle tone leading to cramp or feelings as if in preparation for cramp - but my explanation would be that after enhancement of stimulation from the environment due to a stimulant drug there is not a rebound effect - certainly there isn’t for those of us who do not need to sleep long in the recovery period so that dreaming can sort away the impressions garnered during the period of stimulation (presumably because wakeful seriatim processing has already done the job before the sleeptime) - but rather a desire - related to addiction - for more of the same. This due to a dislike of too great too rapid change in the level of activation, such change not being itself an enhancement of activation (although it is more nearly so for us highly introspective, which would explain relative absence of the possibility of addiction to stimulant drugs: this enhancement for me - highly introspective - evidenced by what I am making now of the exaggerated changefulness in activation level, even where the change is a reduction leading to boredom but only boredom during sleep or towards the end of a period of sleeptime, presumably after the dreaming function has done).
On the whole I feel very good this morning, because I am free of drugs - and the boredom with which I woke up clearly indicates no nighttime voicing has interfered with me - and have quite happy memories of yesterday when drugs were of little effect on me and in particular antischizophrenic drugs had negligible effect.
06/10/07 03:57
I have now about half drunk my cup of coffee.
06/10/07 04:04
On the computing front I would like to continue with the character recognition work, but I feel it would be a good thing to try to reinstall the Amilo Pro system with a version without defect (for one thing so that I know easily for the future how such a thing can with certainty be done); and if I can get the computer which was Dawn’s grandson’s working it would be an additional string to my bow, which Dawn could use for the internet while I still had the use of ‘my’ computer the Amilo Pro, and I could use as a back-up, say if the Amilo Pro failed either permanently or - as now - temporarily.
So - leaving aside for now the question of encryption (which however is automatically provided on the WD portable hard drive) - I should back up My Documents to the WD drive and to my 4GB USB memory device (already set up with Briefcase copies of certain sub-folders of My Documents); on C: there are Additional Documents and an Additional Archive which unless I make copies on DVD - as I believe I have already done for the Additional Documents - are backed up in only one copy (Additional Documents on the WD drive as part of My Documents and the Additional Archive on a separate USB device):
06/10/07 04:26
The software I would like to have available in installable form - say should I need to use a computer foreign to me - consists of Smartision screencopy (I suppose screen-printing utilities are easily come by, but they are most useful), Microsoft Word and Outlook, Visual Basic (in some version) plus preferably the corresponding version of the MSDN Library, Microsoft ActiveSync (makes life much easier), Paragon Hard Disk Manager (to be able to recover the computer I have, that is at present the Amilo Pro) and some backup utility such as is within Nero; and finally a file- and folder- renaming utility is helpful.
06/10/07 04:53
I’m getting to recognise boredom now as distinct from effects due to drugs, and I’m not going to continue to perfect information (eg screenshots - in particular an updated version of the above since I have now copied Nero 6 onto F:) for the Authorities in the conscientious way I would if I were in employment. (However for the sake of something related to consistency and accuracy of information and likely ultimately related to Truth which is of significance to me I shall probably later come back and re-do it.)
06/10/07 10:46
Dawn got up shortly after I got to the above, and suggested I make coffee. Although often I do make her coffee, usually I ask her if she wants some before she requests some.
I find I almost have it in mind here to suggest the coffee - or the water used - was drugged (we certainly have been drugged, that is sedated causing us to go back to sleep for a further five hours or thereabouts). I have it in mind to suggest that Dawn was ‘hypnotised’ to request coffee early on, and conclude from that that it was to ensure we took in these drugs putatively in the coffee early on. It is true that even if the nighttime voicers had said nothing to me of interest - which would probably have required a few more words than w