September 2007.

I have woken up - about twenty minutes ago - with a headache associated with pain in the neck which I thought of as consequent on the pillow arrangement on my side of the bed. However I was unable to find any position to lie so as to alleviate the headache, and therefore I have had to get up and take Paracetamol in the belief being erect - at least, my head erect - will help the Paracetamol to get rid of the headache. There is still pain in my neck and a dull pain in my head. My eyes feel suffused or bleary and I am not properly awake. Thinking what drugs this syndrome might be caused by, I imagine the source was milk used yesterday evening for mashed potato [this reconsidered below]. Once again the risk taken of drugging foodstuffs has resulted in unpleasantness for me. Even though I suspected the milk might be drugged - based on Dawn’s reaction after drinking a glass yesterday as well as evidence recently that milk bought locally to the park home is often drugged - I thought the risk was not such that I need kick up a fuss and dissuade Dawn from doing mashed potato which might require a small quantity of the milk.

My memory of the exact sequence of events later on yesterday is not clear, but as best I can reconstruct it: late yesterday afternoon I drank a glass of sherry which had been left here at the park home while we were away in Kingswinford recently. After that - I remember thinking it might have been a natural effect of alcohol - I dozed off lying on the settee, although only for a few minutes (say about ten minutes). At 2 pm yesterday I had wound up the work I was doing towards rearranging my website, and the last file I was working on - August 2007 in fact - was last modified just before 2 pm and a folder I created for new macro versions of the 2007 files was created 31 August 2007, 13:58:41. I then turned to backing-up, creating a DVD backup of My Documents which - including also a folder of recent pics from our Olympus digital camera - almost filled the capacity of the DVD, being I think just under 4GB without the camera pics and just over with them. I must say I am surprised that My Documents is now so big a folder, and wonder about reconstructing it perhaps archiving or splitting off some of its contents. The timestamp I have written on the DVD says 1600 [hours] yesterday, but I seem to remember it took a while to collate the subfolders to be saved (because I did not know how much disc space was used by them) and the folders were saved as they stood possibly as much as half an hour earlier - 3.30 pm say - but by the time I had made an exact copy of the backup DVD it was well after 4 pm. It may have been around the time the exact copy was being made - or soon after it had been made - that I dozed off on the settee.

01/09/07 03:36

Let me mention that I am eating crackers - bought yesterday at Harworth Co-op - with Stork marg (mistakenly thinking it was a block of butter) and Edam cheese bought I believe two days ago, probably also (the cheese certainly) at Harworth Co-op (the cheese rolls I mentioned we ate for lunch on Thursday before going to the Co-op were in fact made with cheese spread bought previously - quite possibly in Kingswinford - and come to think of it for lunch yesterday we had omelette in which I believe Dawn also used the same cheese spread which therefore I come to suspect on the basis that the past two nights I have felt sedated, last night more than the previous night with this morning of course the unpleasant symptoms I alluded to). I also have digestive upset now, consisting of activity in the gut including - only now developing though - internal wind.

Because the past two mornings I have woken early after having been unnaturally sleepy early the evening before, I come to suspect a mild dosage of risperidone or something similar. This would also tie in - based on previous experience of risperidone - with the nature of the need I have had those two nights to get up from sleep to go to the toilet to pass water. In fact it is possible that the calming-down I observed in Dawn yesterday afternoon was due not to milk but to the omelette she had had for lunch some while prior.

01/09/07 04:11

Having just read my Thursday’s diary (Thursday two days ago) in putting it into the .doc format necessary for it to be part of my website diary, I find myself asking what we ate on the train journey north on Wednesday (and I have an idea it included bread with the suspect cheese spread on it). It is most noticeable that at the park home - soon after we come: the first few days say - I seem to be more under the influence of the Authorities - in that I devote more time and effort to writing stuff for the website and lately (since getting FTP to work) updating it more than in Kingswinford - and associated with that more dozy more of the time (that is suffering sleep disturbance mainly in the form of being sleepy in the daytime which means I do not sleep soundly at night, and in my suspicions at least more subject to influence from nighttime voicers).

I have noticed in Dawn that changing location either way - that is from the park home to Kingswinford or from Kingswinford to the park home - seems to affect her the first few days after the change. I have had various theories on this, one being that on the day of travelling she takes in less of some combination of drugs she usually takes in regularly, with the result that after the day of travelling the components of the mixture - the individual drugs - are out of kilter and therefore on resuming taking the mixture she shows the effect more of one component (usually the stimulant component). Another theory is that the change itself disturbs her psychological equilibrium so that she becomes ‘ratty’ for a day or two after the change - or this effect exacerbates effects due to drugs.

I can’t say that I myself suffered some effect last time we came north (ie from the weekend of 11 August 2007) which later settled down and wore off: rather what it settled down to was more constant tiredness from more regularly suffered drugs.

01/09/07 04:48

I have been reading through my August (2007) diary to try to ascertain the facts about the evolution of effects such as ‘tiredness’ when we were at the park home recently. I found I was falling into a bit of a ‘trance’ and losing sight of the overview reason I had started the reading. However, I have got out of the ‘trance’ - which was associated with drowsiness and thinking I might need to go back to bed (very similar to effects here last autumn, and to the state I seem to have been in on Tuesday 14 August 2007 - which I have just been re-reading - when I got bogged down in looking back at my diary of 2006, but in the afternoon simply abandoned reading that diary - 2006 - without reaching any conclusion in the sense of forming a summarisation of what I had - or might have - learnt) and also with watering eyes - to try to retrieve what I was about (finding evidence and drawing conclusions on effects which arise consequent on changing location from Kingswinford to the park home; or sometimes vice versa). Seemingly as a result of breaking into my growing trance of absorption in re-reading August 2007 I have developed a worse - that is resumed - headache (I had in fact forgotten I had a headache, around the time I was drowsing and thinking I might need to go back to bed). This must represent the mental effort involved in the seriatim resisting interference from ASM [?] - certainly now affecting me - to retrieve the processing availability of the lower mind from trance-like absorption.

The reason I am now certain ASM - risperidone-like ASM - is affecting me [?] is - as well as the evidence of headache from mental ‘effort’ - the structure of these sentences I am writing. The complexity of the nesting structure using parentheses may be similar to the complexity of my attempts to unravel computer hexadecimal in late 2005 in baffling the innocent, but really it is not a very desirable format and if my mind were free of [drugs] I have no doubt I could - as I was going along - put things in ways easier for the reader to follow. Usually I say ASM turns me from pleasing myself with thinking things out mainly in my own mind - in particular computer programs - towards looking to the external more and in particular other people, but here - in the structure of these sentences - I feel is a very good (because not too far-gone) example of the fact that [drugs with nighttime ‘advice’] while making me more inclined to associate with other people - in this case more inclined to write these notes than to do my computer programming - it makes me less competent to do so - in this case because the processing effort of making myself (or my sentences) more easily comprehensible as I go along is too much.

Let me mention I am much more inclined to believe the evolution of my state of mind this morning - and the trend my written remarks have taken - depend on emergence from sleep (but including the possibility of relapsing into sleep and the effort ‘required’ of the seriatim in countering it) than that they are due to drugs in the cheese or anything I have taken by mouth since getting up. It is possible the natural stimulant effect of the coffee has been an assistance (causing the resumption however of the headache).

01/09/07 05:15

I have just deleted a lot of inverted commas in the above: I had been putting things in quotes to an excessive degree, for unexplained reasons.

01/09/07 07:02

On the basis that hypoactivity of the frontal brain allows to arise a lot of extra activity proceeding from the lower brain and within the middle brain - that is if the dopamine transmissions ‘downwards’ from the frontal brain are restricted there is more dopamine transmission from the lower brain (which if it has a naturally elevated level corresponds to hallucination) and within the middle brain - it may be that last autumn under the effect of ASM restricting the control signals from my very effective - and very necessary - frontal brain, the ‘waking dreams’ I sometimes had in the mornings could be described as in the nature of hallucinations. The notion that restricting ‘high level’ dopamine allows a resurgence of ‘low level’ dopamine ties in neatly also with my hypothesis that legs effects like akathisia and RLS have to do with a failure to restrict dopamine activity important in childhood (therefore one may well conclude ‘low level’ dopamine activity) in connection with learning to walk.

Allow me to say that doctors - psychiatrists in this case - take note of effects such as restless legs from drugs, and take note for practical purposes. Someone needs to think about more remote analogues of such effects - eg the analogue of a child moving his legs when learning to walk - to gain a fuller understanding. My thesis is that people who become doctors - and especially people who become mental doctors - are hardly ever - if ever - going to be people whose concept clouds are derestricted to the necessary (more or less schizo) extent to find such analogues. (I must say it is helpful to me in this regard to be independent, not only of the Establishment but also of the need for practical complications and distractions such as going to work as even doctors do sometimes.)

01/09/07 07:32

As I am waking up more - and drinking a second mug of coffee - my ambition of yesterday - to restructure my websites, eg by moving the whole of 2007 to barrass-brough.org.uk - is re-arising. It is still to do with communication in putting my thoughts onto the internet rather than selfish pleasure in putting my thoughts onto the computer locally, and is of a more practical bent than the pure pursuit of pattern recognition - as say backing-up and archiving are too (and again mostly for the use of other people, although I admit setting stuff down in a clearly comprehensible form sometimes is a help to myself at a later date) - but in being ambition (that is to say in being what I can reasonably use the word ambition to denote) it is cheering me no end, presumably because I forevision achievement of goals in the restructuring. (Yesterday evening my mood was slightly depressed, I concluded because my mind was relatively empty - I did not then seriously suspect ASM was affecting me - and furthermore I had only going to bed to look forward to as I was too tired to stay up and do much more.)

I am getting so happy in fact that similarly to the morning of Monday 20 August 2007 I ask myself if an amphetamine-like stimulant has got into me. On the whole I feel this elevation of mood - not simply ‘antidepression’ though, but associated with looking forward to doing stuff and having success in it - must be what I used to call rebound after ASM [my view now would be that it was emergence into clarity of thought from fuddlement and forgetfulness caused by barbiturate-like drugs - note added 14/09/07 07:17].

01/09/07 08:21

It seems most likely the Evian - bought yesterday at Harworth Co-op - used for my second mug of coffee contains amphetamine, plus a sedative - hopefully not ASM but something pleasanter - to counter sleep disturbance (and making me sleepier now than is natural, in other words overcompensating for the stimulant). My guess must be that the tapwater Dawn used for herself yesterday - most of the day anyway - contained a similar mixture, this explaining her ‘rattiness’ up to about mid-afternoon yesterday. It turns out cheese spread was not used for the omelette, but had been used for a late-ish breakfast around 10 am or possibly later, on bread rolls which I had myself forgotten about when I made my remarks earlier today. The lunch-time omelette (about 2 pm yesterday) was made with Edam cheese - which I have been eating this morning - from Harworth Co-op as I said, and which I started on I believe Thursday evening the evening it was bought. The Edam cheese is not under much suspicion, but it is a toss-up whether to suspect more the Co-op milk or the cheese spread wherever that came from (and Dawn says the cheese spread had been left here while we were away in Kingswinford recently, that is we did not eat it on our recent train journey). When I woke early Thursday morning - the morning after the train journey and our arrival here - I was convinced I was not under the influence (but that I might have been ‘hypnotised’, in particular after I had been back to sleep for a further period).

01/09/07 08:52

I’m puzzled as the effects of what I thought was undoubtedly amphetamine have not developed, and my bowels have not been prompted. Sometime this morning I did drink a small quantity left-over from yesterday of a 500ml bottle of sparkling water bought yesterday at the Co-op (of which I have a second bottle left), and it may be that which contained the amphetamine (in as things stood a very small dosage). I might not have noticed effects from the greater part I drank yesterday from this bottle, because of [sedative drugs] already acting on me then (quite possibly from the cheese spread left over from last time we were here). I cannot be sure in fact - and I vacillate in my guessing - if the tapwater here is still drugged. It sometimes seems as though lime cordial Dawn drinks - none left now - is what has affected her with amphetamine-related rattiness.

After Dawn has suffered the effects of amphetamine she often later reacts with unnatural sleepiness. It is possible that the sleepiness I detected in myself (see 08:21 entry above) could have been a rebound of that type from the very mild dosing of amphetamine I am hypothesising I suffered sometime earlier from the sparkling water. I now seem much as I was around say 5 am or 6 am, that is quite tired and with tired eyes, but not overly sleepy as such. Possibly the continuing effects of yesterday’s [drugs] have resumed after something of a break due to the sparkling water. Apart from the possibility that this water contains ASM as well as stimulant, I could take some of the other bottle to counter the effects of the [sedative] until the [latter] wore off. In the past (when my parents were alive) I used to take supposed procyclidine tablets to relieve the effects of ASM but they seemed to worsen matters at a later hour: I do not know whether they contained ASM themselves (I guess so when reserpine was involved as reserpine cannot be given by long-acting injection) or whether the seemingly worse unpleasant effects derived solely from the depot injections. Speaking of events in my past: I cannot recollect how I came to stop attending as a day-patient. I was eventually attending Kinver Ward at Bushey Fields Hospital (the psyche unit now attached to Dudley Russells Hall Hospital) one day a week, but then ceased to attend even one day a week. It is possible this change occurred when Armond retired (around the Millennium) and Kurian took up the reigns.

01/09/07 11:26

Dawn had got up at the time I wrote the above, and I noticed again - but this time in slightly different terms - how much more difficult I found it to think freely when she was about. I think the reason basically was drugs, in exaggerating her tendency to move about and speak (in somewhat a sharp tone) and moreover to do these things with less predictability (exactly what I mean when I use the word activation, in fact, although carried unpleasantly far in some people by some drugs); and also in reducing my capacity to organise myself in my mind to cope with - or ignore - external events. That is, the amphetamine in its effect on Dawn and the ASM [or other sedating agent] in its effect on me conspire to cause me difficulties.

01/09/07 12:18

Even more evidence of the above in a stronger form (in a sense) by virtue of me seeming this morning to be affected by amphetamine-stimulant. The evidence for this is my shortness of temper when Dawn’s behaviour (and ‘attitude’) is altered - this morning now, I mean - by amphetamine-stimulant affecting her. Yesterday I was on the computer and her attitude then when she was affected was to blame me for ignoring her. Why I am different today - am in fact engaging more and in doing so suffering distraction from what I would rather be doing, as well as annoyance - I cannot tell. Possibilities include (1) that yesterday I evaded drugs (or stimulant drugs particularly), (2) that yesterday I was ‘hypnotically’ supported (advised) in doing the website work, and (3) that today I am under the influence more (although Dawn is less, unless concurrent ASM is making her attitude less objectionable or the fact that I am ignoring her less is keeping her behaviour within bounds: as regards moderating her speech better today, for example).

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01/09/07 18:27

We have been shopping in Doncaster this afternoon and having returned I find I have become rather bad-tempered seemingly because the second scratch-card I bought - with £5 of the £10 return from a £2 stake on the first - was not a winner. I continue to imagine (or delude myself) that the Authorities will by some means convey money to us as we always seem short, every month having difficulty struggling through to our next income (this leading for example to late-payment fees and non-DD fees from Virgin Media). It may be the case that however much money one has one could always use more - although there are people, and I used to be one such myself, who budget very successfully and spend well within their means - but I can’t help feeling resentful that because of the abuse done to me - that is the mistaken psychiatric treatment I have received over decades - I have not lived a life such as I might have, with good employment income which I would have saved more than spent and without the waste through online gambling in 2004. In fact after running away from Kingswinford in 2003 life very briefly seemed rosy - presumably corresponding to the period I managed to escape antischizophrenic and other drugging - and I had plenty of money, inherited, which would easily have funded a life of travel - either in the motor caravan I had or stopping occasionally in hotels - and the purchase quite frequently of a new computer and similar equipment which would have given me the pleasure of writing my programs and possibly achieving ends of interest to other people without my direction being perverted by nighttime advisers who did not understand in the least what is significant in life (for me, at least, and a basic complaint I have kept repeating is that it is not up to Social Scientist types to take decisions for other people forcing them into the same mould).

So the bad-temper was minor frustration or not so much frustration because I was not myself striving for anything, but merely in expectation: so really it was disillusionment related to frustration. However, that shortrun effect fading already, I can see I have achieved a fair amount from our outing. Specifically: I obtained 5l of water from the M + S toilet wash-basin, 2l of bottled water bought at M + S and no less than 6l of bottled water (twelve 500ml bottles) from Sainsbury’s. I would be extremely surprised if all of this water is drugged, and in fact most surprised if any of it is. Possibly because of this effect related to frustration, I have felt clear in my mind since returning home that really it is easy to avoid being drugged, and my unsatisfactory evasion recently at the park home has been due to presumption the Authorities may have given up drugging me - with some basis as the drugging has reduced considerably - and therefore willingness to be lazy and do shopping local to the park home. The unpleasantness of effects due to drugs was conveyed powerfully to me by my sleepiness on the bus back from Doncaster, not a pleasant relaxed sleepiness but a tense sort of ASM sleepiness such as I have suffered a lot in the past, in the 1980s particularly.

Reflecting on the question of sedation due to ASM, in the early years of my treatment - that is approximately the first decade - all the drugs tried on me made me sleepy, often so sleepy that over eighteen hours of each twenty-four (except when compelled to strain to maintain alertness at the day-centre) I spent lying on my bed. Eventually the idea was hit on of combining stimulant drugs surreptitiously with the ASM - which I took to be a continuation of the induction of schizophrenia using drugs but at the same time treating it with counteracting drugs, which made incomplete sense but seemed to follow from what had gone before - and I was less drowsy, and more active when awake (so that I started spending money, although without any real basis for deciding what to buy in terms of economic utility, or buying pleasure as I might state the matter). In 2005 when The Experiment was seriously resumed after the misunderstandings of the year before - presumably my behaviour eg in marrying Dawn and in declining antischizophrenic drugs causing wonder motivating a desire in ‘the Authorities’ as they had become to unravel whys and wherefores - the drug tried was risperidone, which apparently like some other modern antischizophrenic medications contains within its effect a stimulant component.. As a result my sleep was disturbed in the way I have described, but overall I was awake and active about the right proportion of each twenty-four hours. In June 2006, presumably Experimentally, other drugs were tried - and have been since - which have had the old sedative effect (sometimes in combination with stimulant drugs, again presumably Experimentally to replicate what had been done with me in earlier years and decades).

01/09/07 21:13

Let me mention that I have discovered files usually associated with Windows Live Messenger which were created on C: (on the Amilo Pro) on the morning of Thursday 30 August 2007:

01/09/07 22:53

Pursuing the question of these files on C: left behind by online processes (or in the AOL case the file IPH.PH left behind by an install process which never completed), I list below the contents of IPH.PH.

[Picker01]

cd=MEGATHRON

vr=8.0.0.4

cpu=0:6:3592

npr=2

ram=1015

ds=13528

br=62900.2180

ip=\Setup90.exe

ut2=2007/8/17 15:20

[inst01]

vr=9.0

pd=4156.911a

cc=44

os=5.1,Service Pack 2

npr=2

cpu=0:6:3592

ram=1014

br=62900.2180

ds=13527

csd=1596

hf=KB923232,KB922616,KB922582,KB921883,KB921398,KB921337,KB920872,KB920685,KB920683,KB920670

qi=0

ut1=2007/8/17 15:20:53

lf=0

inst=a

sc=28:100,37:115,14:134

DDEq=1

lcp=560

fw=4

ni=coach:2,vwpt:2,rp:2,qtime:0,asp:2

cp=start:-:13527:1,acs:-:13524:1

ln=comp02:1:1:0004:00000000,swf6:8:3:0006:00000001,acs:1:3:000d:00000000

bb=0

prg=client:071,acs:100

pe=1602

ed=0

ut2=2007/8/17 15:22:14

This gives a clue that since that AOL install mistakenly started (or under ‘hypnotic’ suggestion started) there may be AOL processes running (possibly cocking the system up recently, I mean: the install above as you see is dated [Friday] 17 August 2007), and in fact there are:

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02/09/07 04:36 [Sunday]

I have woken up over a short period (less than five minutes, as I usually state it in circumstances such as these) at this quite sensible time for me, and feel fairly confident I am more or less free of the effects of drugs. I am drinking a Red Bull bought yesterday afternoon at W H Smith Doncaster, most unlikely to be drugged. A thing I didn’t get round to saying yesterday is that even without a mechanical randomisation process, writing a shopping list in advance of shopping for foods and in particular drinks should result in a better outturn as when one is acting on impulse in deciding what to buy in the shop - corresponding to the seriatim planning process not being used - one is more likely to accept ‘hypnotically’ introduced ‘advice’, because one is thinking more on one’s feet with insufficient time to process adequately - to weigh up the merits of different alternatives - so is more likely to grasp at the first solution which comes to mind (again without sufficient seriatim involvement). This is more so, I’m sure, for schizo cases for whom processing in real time is problematic, people who find it difficult to think using the seriatim while in conversation so that their ideas seem vacuous in the presence of other people (at least where communication is expected) and they cannot co-plan together with others. It is more so for my own case when I am under the influence of ASM: one may conclude ASM enhances the effect of ‘hypnosis’ not so much at the time the ‘hypnotic’ suggestions are voiced, but when they come to be used post-hypnotically as deciding factors. Especially just after getting up in the morning, when I was not fully awake and in particular my seriatim not fully awake, I used to be very susceptible to ‘hypnotic’ advice voiced moreover possibly within the hour or two preceding; sometimes with the result that I would take something by mouth in the early morning not to my advantage. The way to deal with this situation should it arise again is to lay plans the night before what to eat or drink on getting up, and possibly chuck or otherwise make unavailable the more suspect foodstuffs the night before. (To reduce the processing load for people who have difficulty planning in real time in situations likely to be met - eg the company of other people - routine is a great help, and may indeed be exhibited to excess by some schizo types as stereotyped mannerisms, and it was so - both a help and involving stereotyped mannerisms, although not quite to the schizophrenic degree of stereotypy entailing perseveration in some meaningless motor sequence - in myself in my teenage years.)

By my calculation I have almost 13l of water which should be safe, procured yesterday at Doncaster. (I drank one mug of coffee yesterday using some of the water, which is why it is only ‘almost’ 13l.) I reckon 2l of water a day is almost enough, so the 13l I expect to last me more or less till next Saturday (Saturday being a busy shopping day). If I restrict the variety of my drinks to what it was when I was a teenager - black coffee and very little else - I should be safe as regards drinks. One can easily see that the processing cost of travelling - a definite absence of routine, until travelling itself (or a certain journey) becomes routine - has in the past not been a help to me, resulting for example sometimes in arrival late at night in Kingswinford with no option for obtaining drink other than tapwater but to go to the Spar where drugged drinks were more readily made available both because it is a quiet shop especially late on and because this behaviour of mine was very predictable (but at the time not seeing this I thought in terms of having been ‘hypnotised’ to go to the Spar). The solution should have been - but then I was not processing so well as now, that is not thinking things through so clearly - to make sure to have safe foods available in reserve. Indeed I did ensure this - so far as possible - when we left Kingswinford last week, by shutting a bottle of water almost certainly undrugged, and a jar of coffee (although not a full one) in a safe. It was on arrival here last Wednesday and immediately afterwards that I was most susceptible to being drugged, and in fact did suffer being drugged the past few days. (The accumulation of experience is another factor in reducing processing load, as is taking good advice - equivalent to using advice to accumulate experience but preferably with some judgment what advice to trust for best learning results. Dawn suggested to me to try instead of superglued banknotes, changeable combination locks - eg on safes and on padlocks to secure wheelie-cases and the like - and this is a very successful policy, the more so if I frequently change the pass-numbers as now I have developed procedures to do without losing or forgetting the numbers: at the cost of one digital electronic safe made useless.)

02/09/07 05:21

Going back to the AOL processes under investigation last night: I don’t know whether to suppose AOL are just crap, or whether the CD I believe was used to initiate the erroneous part-installation of AOL, which I think was one supplied by Dawn’s uncle, had been interfered with specially (ie on behalf of the Authorities). This is making the presumption the problems my computer has suffered recently have been due to those AOL processes (or seeming AOL processes). Likewise (now understanding better than I did Windows Task Manager and what it can tell me) it may be that processes introduced on installing the seeming Hewlett Packard printer software under suspicion since 2004 were the basis of certain problems I had, whether or not those processes were to do with caching information for the Authorities (they might have been simply hackers’ playthings used by the Authorities in those days to cause me trouble). I must say I find it easier to accept that processes definitely introduced during an install procedure - even an incomplete one - are the origin of software faults than that something which happens merely on copying data from a CD is.

02/09/07 05:37

I ended the two AOL processes pointed up in the screenshot of last night, and reinstalled the pointing device driver. However a restart was then required, so I have had to stop the AOL processes after the restart, and hope they have not permanently interfered with the pointing device software on getting going. The solution of course - as I do not know how to prevent selected processes starting when Windows is booted - is to recover the system as it was before Friday 17 August 2007. However for now I can hope to determine if ending the AOL processes has improved matters.

02/09/07 06:34

I am just now eating a scone with Irish Creamery butter on it - the butter (at least) bought at the Harworth Co-op - and drinking coffee made with water bought yesterday at Sainsbury’s Doncaster. I’m wondering whether to type up some notes I made recently longhand (dated Friday 24 August 2007 by the look of it).

02/09/07 07:27

I did type up the notes, in fact from Friday 24 August 2007 and Bank Holiday Monday 27 August 2007 that is last Monday. I have also found handwritten diary notes from Saturday 22 April 2006 and from Wednesday 8 August 2007 which might sometime get typed; and I have found typescript versions of ‘monographs’ I wrote about the year 1979, entitled An Explanation of Schizophrenia, Some Thoughts on Mind and A Mechanistic View of Mind. (Also, although I burnt a lot of remnant handwritten notes towards the end of 2005 - or in early 2006 - some are extant from May 2005 when I was invited by nighttime voicers - as far as I can ascertain - to make detailed notes which I did make as if for a Court of Law.)

02/09/07 07:44

My eyes are becoming sore/tired and a slight headache is developing. The most suspect thing taken by mouth has been the butter bought at Harworth Co-op.

02/09/07 07:55

And while I’m at it (listing diary-related information for the sake of completeness), I have discovered an audio recording made on Friday:

02/09/07 08:33

Dawn has made toast which I have unthinkingly eaten with (of course) the Irish butter on it. This makes me reflect on the nature of sedation of various species: I am now suffering sedation, and almost certainly of the same species as (for example) caused me ‘confusion’ on Thursday morning when I suspected - probably correctly - that I had been ‘induced’ by voicers in my sleep to turn from the enjoyments of VB programming such as I had been prosecuting in Kingswinford to the work of updating my website (as we have an internet connection here in Nottinghamshire - and family whose internet we could use - but not so in Kingswinford until payment reaches Virgin Media), this confusion leading me to mistakenly mark the website folder on my computer with 2007-07-29 instead of 2007-07-30. Cognate confusion now is leading me to make keying errors and to slow down my keying.

I theorised yesterday on the brain mechanism leading to my ‘waking dreams’ of late 2006, which previously I have believed were effects caused by something like opium (not knowing much about opium or any drugs really). Yesterday I was thinking in terms of ASM - because of my very powerful fear of ASM - but in fact ASM is unlikely to cause anything like hallucination in anyone, because - in terms of the way it works - although blocking the dopamine transmissions ‘downwards’ from the frontal brain it also blocks the dopamine transmissions from the lower brain the seat of hallucination. The ‘waking dream’ effect - which I have heard some drugs can produce, but I don’t know whether they are drugs like opium - is going to be due to a drug which interferes with transmissions ‘downwards’ from the frontal brain but not dopamine transmissions ‘lower down’ in the brain. These drugs are going to be in the class I call in my musings ‘minor sedatives’, and they are going to interfere - in interfering with the effectiveness of the frontal brain - with motivation and organisation of one’s activities (and with ‘taxonomisation’ tasks including the logical structuring one needs to do in computer programming). Drugs of this species are what have been interfering with me lately - eg last time we were here at the park home, and ‘tiredness’ prevented me happily pursuing my character recognition programming - and included in their effect is lack of a purpose when we do things, a factor I mentioned in the notes I have typed up this morning from last Monday when we went to the museum in central Birmingham. (I have mentioned this concept of motivation or purpose to activities also in notes recently describing the way I used to go on in my teenage years.)

… I find those remarks were made that same day, last Monday, when I had the ‘tiresome’ experience out and about in Birmingham.

02/09/07 09:46

It is possible my access of ‘happiness’ yesterday morning (01/09/07 07:32) was due to the wearing-off of the drug I suppose I should continue to call opium-like as a denotation, and I was happy when the availability of my frontal brain processes was resumed: as I suppose not everybody would be - presumably people who find worrying worrisome - but who would (these other people) enjoy the disinhibiting effect of say alcohol as well as these other drugs which reduce self-censorship amongst other things (and in that are related to truth-drugs). As I then ate butter yesterday morning, the problematic symptoms connected with unavailability of the seriatim frontal brain perhaps resumed for that reason. (And I mention in elaboration of what I have hazarded before - as I now have a headache - that making the bringing into effect of the frontal processes more difficult, these opium-like drugs may often cause headache in those who still strive to use the frontal processes.)

02/09/07 11:40

I have just been in bed asleep for what looks as though it has been getting on for two hours. As I have been waking up I have had ideas about the effect of the opium-like drug which resulted in my sleep, and its mechanism of action, and the way it might interact with other drugs I have thought more in terms of before - that is amphetamine and ASM - and about related questions in ‘psychology’ such as the crystallisation of goals and the degree to which different people’s behaviour is directed by pursuit of goals as against shorter-term motivations, and therefore how easily they give up goals (and are therein not so liable to frustration) but also how some people after deflection can resume long-term goals; also the types of goal different people might settle on, that is why some people pursue the understanding of pattern recognition and others pursue money and so on; and finally this last recalling to my mind things I put on my website in 2003 (see in particular Annexe 4 at Sunday 7 December 2003) I have been thinking about the recent flowering of The Experiment to take such resources of public money and such prowess in organisation that foods in shops can be drugged and the police as well as the medical services given direction how to act in assistance.

Almost certainly voicers have not spoken in my sleep of the past two hours (as it is broad daylight and Dawn is awake and alert) so any influence from the Authorities on my thinking derives from what has previously - possibly weeks or months ago - been voiced to me.

02/09/07 11:55

In 2004 it is my distinct impression I not only listened to advice from nighttime voicers but also that I spoke words in reply, that is I was questioned under the influence of some sort of truth drug by people who must have been actually in the room with me (and my hypothesis - based on evidence available to my senses and memory at the time in 2004 - has always been that they entered my rented home in Retford in the night hours). This caused me to recollect similar hypotheses I had had in the 1980s when there was evidence - and evidence still exists in my diary remarks from the 1980s - that truth drugs were used. Some of the things said to me in 2004 - or discussed with me, if you like - I remember, or think I do (that is, even though there is little doubt I was interviewed thus under a truth drug, the way my own conceptions intertwine with the vague memories of the interviews may not present the whole truth of what was said). I was advised that not any Tom, Dick or Harry could get at me at night - or in my sleep, I should say - clearly to allay fears I might have been presumed to have or which I might have expressed myself (presuming there were people in the room who could in a sense discuss matters with me). I remember (or think I do) being told that it was unsatisfactory to say merely that schizophrenia involved thinking too much or too inwardly, and thereby abstracting oneself (the sufferer) from connection with reality. At another time I was reminded that given amphetamine one might say (or write) too much, the implication being that it might be too disorganised and difficult to understand and - in my remarks sent to William Street, I presumed was meant - I should try to stick to what was most important (although it was not put in terms of summary versus detail requiring the involvement of the seriatim function as in précis).

The behaviour of some of the presumed stooges following me about on trains in 2004 - and the fact that some presumed stooges would vocalise the word Why? (although not in so public a place as a crowded railway carriage) - led me to believe - understand, I suppose I could accurately say - that the psychology of my activities in the sense of my motivations (‘official’ psychology seeming to theorise in terms of needs or urges I believe, presumably on the basis that Will, which is an important concept for psychologisers who find conscious reasons for things the only factors available to their introspection even though they dream up a subconscious which is very like conscious thought but in some way hidden, must be Will towards some end, which is the need or urge) was of great interest, this to be interpreted as puzzlement why schizophrenics do the strange things they do do. In fact a Moslem man I met on a London railway station - Paddington I think - asked me explicitly to explain things in terms ‘we’ - that is ‘the Authorities’ - could understand (another reference I suppose to the problem of the drugs I was affected by making me even less comprehensible than the natural complexity of the subject at my hands would make me), for example why had I thrown my coat on the floor? - which was not at all a thing significant in my mind at the time I did it - on that railway station - but was (I believe) simply to get it out of the way while I did something else (make notes, most likely). At the time I was still labouring under the apprehension that my views on psychological - or rather mental - matters had been the whole point of the Experiment from the start (which was a forgivable guess when you read the stuff I was interested in putting into my diary in the 1970s) and that I had been press-ganged into the Experiment (from the start) to extract my ideas on these subjects, so this evident interest in 2004 in my psychology (to repeat that double entendre) came as no surprise but fit in with my theory over the years what had been going on and was now resumed (I presumed it was a resumption without adequately being able to explain the ‘hiatus’ between the mid-1980s and 2004 although I toyed with the hypothesis it had something to do with waiting till my parents had died).

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02/09/07 12:51

Anyway, the upshot of all this trying-to-understand is that my best guess now is that when I ran away in 2003 those charged with looking after me wondered why I had run away - part of this being the recruitment of Caroline as a candidate new paid companion, and probably it had been discovered, either before or after I absented myself from Kingswinford, that I had had thoughts that after my parents died I might move to the South-West (Caroline came from Bristol); and part of which was to encourage me to return to the fold in Kingswinford (giving me the option, as it were) - and in investigating, possibly using truth drugs, discovered the ideas I had about the mind and the brain. Why these ideas had not been discovered before, or certainly not treated as having any merit, even though the same methods - of truth-drugging, presumably - must have been employed, I cannot be sure; but possibly the determination of merit was partly due to the stuff I published on my then website (my AOL Homepage) my mind relatively free of both truth drugs and ASM (even though it was quite scanty stuff) and partly due to the presence of a more modern type of psychiatric inquisitor more empathetic than Armond or those of his ilk. I still can hardly set aside my amazement though that my detestation of antischizophrenic drugs was not understood (comments I made on Wednesday 26 May 2004 which at some point got published in my website, and similarly comments attached to an email dated Monday 31 May 2004 which I sent to various parties hoping thereby to reach ‘the Authorities’, were ineffective and presumably came too late to affect the exponents of Authority who had discussed matters earlier in the year, or the preceding year; and possibly they were felt to be the ravings of a mind - my mind, that is - infected by disease by that time, a disease deliberately exacerbated - actually caused, is the truth of the matter - through the use of amphetamine-like stimulant drugs).

The most likely correct way of interpreting events is to suppose that on my own in Retford the dosage of drugs given to me in the foods - stimulant drugs necessarily in the foods, and antischizophrenic drugs presumably thought to be for my benefit in the foods when I ceased to have injections after the surgery I signed on at in Retford could not cope - could not be adequately fixed, with the result that excess of the stimulant produced a result different from the same combination of drugs on me in say the early 2000s in Kingswinford, that is it produced the ‘diseased’ state of mind I was in around May 2004 (the mental distress exacerbated by Caroline’s assault on me) was created not so much deliberately but as a foreseen possibility. After that, and possibly based on my reports of my guess what had been going on (an Experiment to investigate schizophrenia) there was in the summer a deliberate policy of using higher dosages of amphetamine-stimulants to provoke my natural schizophrenia (which I almost agree as an interpretation, except that to provoke it in me I need to be given antischizophrenic drugs as well as stimulants, and it is then a significantly unpleasant condition of mind whether one calls it diseased or not). Indeed at the time in 2004 some effort was put into trying to see if I consented to this Experiment, and I have seen papers published on the internet dealing with the difficulty of interpreting consent or otherwise of loony patients to experimentation on them. Jedenfalls, the summer of 2004 went on.

As an aside, allow me to say that giving people mind-bending drugs - especially spiking them without their foreknowledge - has all sorts of unpredictable consequences for their behaviour, and if they are free in the real world at the time the consequences may include cost to them in financial terms as well as the possibility they may jump out of a window and kill themselves or develop a murderous rage and kill someone else. I’m sure antischizophrenic drugs have not in the past been regarded in these terms, as causing people to lose responsibility for their own actions; the reason is these drugs subdue people who therefore do nothing troubling Society (and indeed may cause them to toe the line in a way Society prefers). However in odd cases like mine, when combined with other drugs such as stimulants, the subject’s actions - his beliefs and attitudes brought into view by the stimulant effect, if you like: these beliefs and attitudes perverted by the antischizophrenic drugs (as I say, in odd cases such as my own) - antischizophrenic drugs may cause observably deviant behaviour which (I hope and presume many readers will agree in my case) is nothing like behaviour the subject would have exhibited without antischizophrenic drugs. In a sense it is a damn good thing that such possible effects of antischizophrenic drugs have been shown up by the combination in my case with stimulant drugs. Unfortunately the true effect on me of antischizophrenic medication over the decades without admixed stimulants was to render me incapable of employment, in fact incapable of life. I do not imagine I am the only one given such drugs who has suffered in this way, and I would urge those in power to put in place satisfactory procedures to deter any continuation of such improper treatments (as I have said, the Tribunal system is no good, and also it’s no good relying on the patient to complain in many cases: but if he does, he should be heeded with alacrity; but procedures are necessary also to save non-complainants from themselves and from their doctors).

Through 2004 I was publishing stuff on my website about schizophrenia (under the impression at the time that Caroline was schizophrenic, which I think rather simplifies the truth) and sending reams of stuff to William Street so difficult to unravel I imagine sometime in the summer the recipients gave up. When it was felt things had gone far enough and in the September I was seized by police on probably a fair charge (which however would not earlier have attracted their action until it had been decided things had gone far enough), I was conveyed to Bassetlaw preparations probably having been rushed into being in Bassetlaw as less busy with serious cases than an equivalent hospital in Bristol. I have concluded that although some of the patients at Bassetlaw in the mental unit were false patients, the preparations had not been sufficient (given the time available, I suppose) for the entire set-up there to be taken over. As I have said also, some of the patients were genuine one of whom was Dawn.

02/09/07 14:01

Fending off the inclination to write, ‘The rest is history and they lived happily ever after,’ I make the remark that the story above is not directly what I was thinking about as I emerged from sleep this morning - for which see the first paragraph under 11:40 above - but forms a sequence of obiter dicta started tangentially out of what I was thinking, these latter requiring further sorting-out in my mind (which selfishly I wish to pursue away from this communicative interface) before presentation. I find I often indulge in similar obliquity in communication, preserving the complex stuff of major interest to me within until it is so worked-out as to be of less interest, and including in communication more obvious stuff that is stuff requiring less processing effort from me (this related to the additional processing cost to me of the communication itself).

It may sound strange to mention the ‘processing cost of communication’ when all I am doing this afternoon is writing down my thoughts. However, it is the case that I could think more complex thoughts (and probably more interesting, but for the interest of imagining these remarks may well be read, which is the benefit of communication making the cost of it worthwhile sometimes), eg about the matters mentioned under 11:40 above, were I not writing at the same time. I have read that language is an aide to analytical thinking, but the truth is that framing expositions in proper sentences is a cost and takes the seriatim away from what otherwise it could be engaged in (unless the sentences are to a simple formula, as a lot of my utterances to other people in real time are).

Lying in bed emerging from sleep this morning I found vitally interesting the questions I was entertaining - and the answers, to the extent any answers showed themselves - but at the minute I do not find any inclination to resume that subject matter. Rather I think I might continue computer programming, this showing a more real-world result (if only on the computer screen) than airy-fairy ideas or even conclusions within the mind.

02/09/07 14:42

My eyes are becoming tired and a slight headache again developing - at a time my processing requirement is raised by discussing again with Dawn the subject of moving home - and I ask myself if the Stork marg I had at lunch-time (only one half-round of bread) was drugged as the Irish Creamery butter evidently is. (However it is at least two hours since we had lunch. Since lunch I have taken by mouth only drinks of coffee - I am on I think my second - using this time water obtained yesterday from the wash-basin tap in the M + S Doncaster customer toilet.)

Of course one can think of arguments why it might be water from a publicly available tap is more likely drugged than bought bottled water.

02/09/07 15:24

This opium-like drug does seem to be one which loosens my tongue, the same drug or a similar one to the one which led me to talk aloud to myself in my own home in the early 1980s (the house I myself owned in the summer of 1980 and my parents’ house in 1983-84) - and Dawn seems to have taken in this drug now too, by whatever means, as her tongue is definitely loosened (in the same way mine has been when we have recently been out and about and I have kind of moaned on in a way I have used the terms like vagueness and lethargy to convey). As I do not think her tongue has, before, much been loosened to such an extent, I conclude she has taken in more of the drug than usual, which may imply the drug is now in the tapwater whereas before it was not. (She doesn’t seem to be made sleepy, and does not complain of symptoms such as headache.)

02/09/07 20:21

I have been continuing to prepare a revision of my websites, the part I am doing now consisting of altering the tables at the top of pages of colinbrough.co.uk to omit references to 2007 and to the Character recognition page (both now to be removed to barrass-brough.org.uk). Of course I could simply have altered the relevant tables in the macro definition file and re-compiled the affected pages. What I have actually been doing is re-make the affected pages in terms of new tables, one of which is an HTML ‘header’ - or rather in each case a header chosen from several, depending on the font in use for the page and the paragraph spacing (which vary somewhat, both font and paragraph spacing, from one period to another in the website). Where I have got to now is wishing to revise the diary pages for months of 2005 and I am thinking it would be worth writing a VB prog to pull out of the website folder all files with filenames beginning with one of a list (specifically, a list of the names of the months of the year: January, February, etc), but later to allow also specification of the year number (so that all months of the year 2005, for example, are abstracted - or rather copied - to a single new folder).

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The weekend of 08 - 09 September 2007

08/09/07 03:44 [Saturday]

I don’t know whether to suppose no nighttime voicers have had a hand in waking me, as for one thing the time is not on the hour and nor was the time I woke up - say five minutes ago - a quarter to the hour. I do not feel to be under the influence of drugs either: my eyes and throat are not at all sore, there is no bleariness, I do not feel as though not fully awake or the seriatim lagging (as I used to seem to observe). I recognise that to try to get me constantly under the influence (of whatever drug) it would be necessary for nighttime voicers to try to ensure that when I got up - soon after being voiced to, in the nature of things I suppose - I took the right drink, a drugged drink. In June just gone, because I became aware of the confused state that came on from taking the presumed barbiturate in early-morning water, I took a definite antecedent decision - and found I was able to stick to it, motivation being provided by dislike of the effects of the drugs and by fear of the possible consequences in compulsory detention etc - to sample anything I drank early on, in a small quantity say 100 ml, and set aside definitely safe drink tested thus, to have such safe drink available in the morning (and indeed throughout) once it had been stored away safely.

The question one of the psychiatric workers asked me in June - that is, was my dislike indeed fear of the drugs (mentioning amphetamine as I dwelt on amphetamine myself believing as everybody did I suppose that that was what might cause a semblance of psychosis) based solely on the fear of detention and psychiatric treatment - makes sense now on the hypothesis - which I now feel pretty certain of (at least 90%) - that the idea was not this June to produce the semblance of schizophrenia which in the past was the basic reason for the Experiment, but rather now to investigate the effect of the drugs and why I detested them (all of them): which in some way I suppose does have a bearing on schizophrenia. My guess now must be that no-one imagined that I would have a bad reaction to a supposed calming agent like barbiturate (or rather presumed barbiturate): yet I repeat, the instruction leaflets plainly state as a known fact that (certainly in the case of benzos like Valium) one possible ‘adverse effect’ is psychosis.

08/09/07 04:55

Dawn’s son has offered me the Vaio he has been using (plus a balance in cash) if we get him a new computer as a combined Christmas and birthday present. This somewhat baffled me at first but now I think I see method in the madness (the Authorities’ madness, in effect).

I am taking screenshots of practically everything I do online at the moment.

08/09/07 05:01

Dawn has got up (on the hour, I note) so I have disconnected from the internet (feeling a bit distracted): I hope everything logs me off properly if automatically (timing out and all that).

08/09/07 05:05

I don’t know if I mentioned that yesterday evening I reinstalled the touchpad software on this Amilo Pro: I think I recall when backing up the system on Tuesday 14 August 2007 (or shortly afterwards noticed) that the mouse pointer behaviour was still erratic - I’m not sure in fact if at that time it seemed necessary to reinstall the touchpad software after every restart, and I (perhaps) had omitted to do so the time I backed up the system. Anyway, if it appears now - and I could now (or at the appropriate time just beforehand) reinstall the software for safety’s sake - that the mouse pointer behaviour is A OK, it might be worth yet again backing up the system.

However, before backing up the system (yet again, as I say) I might revise the Rich Text Editor as I suggested yesterday would be a good idea, so that it can be used without constantly terminating due to system errors (notably Path not found errors) on other computers where perhaps the expected folders (My Documents\_Newly created diary entries and _Newly created diary entries within _Documents 0 and _Documents 0 bkp) are not present.

Of course there other possible future improvements to the Rich Text Editor (for example to do with paragraph spacing, or more ambitiously to do with conversion to HTML) and any progs I may write (and perhaps use from day to day, as I do some of my own progs: the more practical ones), so the general question arises of making available - say on a different computer (should I need to borrow one or buy a new one or whatever), or on the current computer after a recovery of the system to an earlier date (ie before recent alterations to my progs) - the latest versions of progs on an unaccustomed computer.

(I seem to be using a lot of words here to explain in more detail than strictly necessary things which I could ordinarily expect to cope with more within my head. I do not however suspect drugs - my head is perfectly clear and I understand exactly what I am about: although I have to guess at the basis of it - but the basis of my explanatory wordiness may be the nighttime voicers requesting detailed information and expositions: which indeed I suspect they have been after for a while now, for example explanations of my character recognition programs).

08/09/07 06:26

As so often, I am finding bugs all over the place (computer bugs). The version of this Rich Text Editor supposedly a compiled version of what I am using now gives a File not found error, but this interpreted (uncompiled) version supposedly the same doesn’t. Furthermore my Save Today’s files prog failed to save the revised Text Editor VB folder.

08/09/07 06:35

The reason the compiled version failed was that it expected to find the HelpSheet in the same folder as the exe file running. Why there is no similar error for the uncompiled version I am not entirely clear: possibly the folder containing the Text Editor VB folder counts as App.Path, that is as the folder associated with the exe which will result from compilation.

I need to look into the Save Today’s files prog, which fails [or at least does not work as it should] if the folder for Today’s files doesn’t yet exist.

08/09/07 06:51

My mind being very clear at present, and I capable of thinking in a more generalised way (that is a more abstract way), I note that in more general terms - where before I was thinking of the advantages of writing a VB prog to say salt diary entry .rtf files (or other file types used for diary entries, such as .doc files) into their ultimate folders away from My Documents where they were at that time (diary entry files) being initially written: the reason being the tiresomeness of copying files, especially as I make at least two copies of almost all files and certainly of diary entry files - the way to go is to have a list of destination folders for different classes of file (so that for diary entry files the folders to be copied to would be _Newly created diary entries within My Documents, and also _Documents 0\_Newly created diary entries and _Documents 0 bkp\_Newly created diary entries, at least in former days when dairy entry files were initially saved to My Documents, and even now they can be in My Documents if they are brought there for editing).

I mention (08/09/07 06:59) that the mouse pointer behaviour on the Amilo Pro has now become considerably worse - too sensitive about expresses it - than it was earlier.

The only question then is, in any prog to automatically copy files to their ultimate destination folders, how to convey to the prog what class a file falls into. It might be possible to get the prog to guess which files in My Documents are diary entry files (of today’s date) from the filename (automatically generated by my Rich Text Editor in a certain format). Otherwise it would be a fairly easy matter for the user (me) to drag a file within My Documents to a single folder for files of that class, and the prog could then automatically salt away the files in that folder to appropriate ultimate destinations.

08/09/07 07:12

Looking at Windows Task Manager I found there are more processes running than yesterday, one of which is msmsgs.exe which I imagined was associated with Messenger (either Windows Messenger, MSN Messenger or Windows Live Messenger). Hence I have taken screenshots of the Task Manager listing of processes running (note SSC.exe is the Smartision ScreenCopy utility itself).

SynTPEnh.exe is something to do with the Synaptics touchpad, and Enh you would think meant enhanced version or something.

Looking at this, just out of interest: the ‘Commit Charge’ of 277/2443 corresponds to 283960/2502640 (277 x 1024 = 283648 and 2443 x 1024 = 2501632) and 277MB is the Page File Usage.

08/09/07 08:31

Reflecting with Dawn on the fact that if we are to pay the rent (the ground rent for the park home) three weeks in arrears instead of six weeks in arrears we have less than £90 to eke out over two and a half weeks until a cheque from the building society should have arrived and cleared, I have noted the fact that bus passes cost us £20 a week (Doncaster area for two adults) and whereas in Kingswinford one can easily walk to a range of shops competing to supply undrugged foods, hereabouts it is not so. However as Dawn pointed out, we have bus passes now lasting another few days, so the solution is to bring home within those days as much pretty certainly undrugged food as possible, but of course it must be food which will last (and can be locked away in a wheelie case) such as canned food. Eggs are surely safe, but it strikes me that we need not get in a big supply of eggs as eggs bought locally from shops we can reach by walking will equally surely be undrugged. As regards water, the cheapest and easiest way of procuring safe water - saving having to carry it from Doncaster or other distant points - is to use my chlorine tablets on the local river-water.

08/09/07 08:58

Thinking about it, the things most likely to be drugged seem to be - this possibly deliberately contrived - things which do not last unless in the fridge, and which therefore - this thought out perhaps by the Authorities - we would expect to buy in a new supply of every two or three days. Therefore a mechanism for securing the fridge (or better still the freezer) or at least for detecting with certainty the opening of its door would be a boon. I did get as far as noting that there are switches on fridge doors to detect them opening in order to switch on a light, but then the matter seemed to fall into abeyance, presumably because of suggestive nighttime voicing.

08/09/07 16:47

[Note added 13/09/07 10:37. At 16:46 this Saturday I had saved a file listing Installers saved, that is saved on my computers and through backup media available in any reinstallation without having to go on the internet to download the installers afresh. Examples include QuickTimeInstaller.]

We have been to Doncaster again - this morning - and I enjoyed the ‘variety of experience’ in watching the people and the sights (and hearing the sounds): though the barbiturate I took in was still affecting me - so that I was dozy on the bus back, for example - and this afternoon I have become dozier at home in the park home. My conclusion is that the drugs may be in - or may partly be in - the coffee granules (or the water or some of the water, presumably that which has not been locked away while we have been out from time to time). It is possible that drugs have been introduced into food left for later, such as for example the curried pork we had for lunch, heated up having been left the other day. If I now drank a lot of coffee, and effects did not worsen, then I could be fairly sure drugs were in the lunch-time meal, introduced into it by illicit entrants. If effects worsened - as I believe they would - then the coffee or the water have been got at. Either way there is no real gain of information as (and it does not strike me forcefully as it should, that this very strange thing genuinely must be the case) someone must have entered the park home illicitly. I am drinking grapefruit juice: might that also have been drugged? I suppose it depends more on opportunity than on anything else: if an unopened bottle of something is to be drugged then surely a substitute must have been pre-prepared. In such a case of course I could have marked the bottle substituted in some way, and most likely I think foods or drinks must be drugged after being opened. I think the coffee or water is more likely to have been drugged than the lunch-time meal, because in the latter case effects would come on and then pass off, and unless all sorts of different things were drugged frequently [my conclusion now is probably they are - note made 14/09/07 07:49], I would notice better the source of the drugs. As it is I am not doing too badly: I think some drink (most likely a drink) which we are expected to take several times a day and to last a week or two is most likely to be drugged, because this would give better opportunity for continuance of the drugging (eg when more coffee was bought). It seems possible from Dawn’s reactions that tapwater may still be drugged, although set against that visitors we have drink our drinks made with tapwater (although occasionally abjuring certain things notably milk). It may be that most of the drugs getting into Dawn come in the squash she drinks, and most of the drugs getting into me come in coffee granules, but the water - tapwater and bought water - may also be drugged.

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08/09/07 17:27

I have been easily distracted today and have not been persistent with any single line of enquiry. This is one of the reasons in the past my fight against being drugged surreptitiously has been so lackadaisical, and moreover is almost the same reason why - or one of the main reasons why - I have not been able to carry on my programming and thinking things out preparatory to programming, that is I have not concentrated - because of the effects of drugs but also the effect of distractions including two-month detentions in hospital - on a single line of thought or line of attack for long enough, with my ideas carrying over from day to day, to achieve much.

The past hour or two my mind has turned to the idea of recovering the Amilo Pro system. I have found out an XP install CD and am thinking again to investigate if it is flawed and in what way. These procedures are ‘old hat’ stuff and I am reverting to them under the influence of the sedative drug affecting me preventing me planning out new combinations of ideas and activities in any sort of new - creative, as you might say - plan for the future. I have a tendency to suppose nighttime voicing has put into my mind these reversionary practices, but having I believe understood matters recently I know it is not necessarily so: that the drug itself encourages me to suppose I have been hypnotised to do ‘old hat’ stuff which the hypnotisers could be expected better to know about and understand, and in any case the interference with seriatim organisation makes me more liable of myself to revert to well-known practices with or without hypnosis. Still I find being drugged in such a way objectionable in wasting my time.

Dawn also is reverting to former concerns - but like me with less vehemence than when worse drugged. Instead of expressing bitterness over her past separation from her son, she is looking into our over-spending particularly for the period since the house which had been hers in Worksop was sold. (I mention further that this accountancy type work requires more resolution - being willing to consider lists of figures and add them up, and so on - than under the influence of ASM alone Dawn - or anyone - is capable of [?].) Budgeting like this is something Dawn was accustomed to do when she was on her own, and it is indeed an accustomed practice she is ‘reverting to’ instead of carrying on with our more recent arrangements (in which indeed she has at times been free to be more creative, as I have myself but in my case in the computing line).

Dawn’s concern here could be considered at bottom paranoid, in that she cannot understand how we have spent so much and fears we may somehow - or she may somehow - have been defrauded. But really the way to look at it is that her lower processes - presumably because of the number of synapses involved - are throwing up a demand for explanation and understanding, that is a processing demand. If her enquiries are couched in a certain way - especially in a parallel case of a schizo type person enquiring of someone they do not communicate with well - they can appear accusatory, which exaggerates the appearance of paranoia. It might lead in some cases - in fact surely it does - to hostility or even aggression. But fundamentally she is puzzled - because she (her lower processes) remark a lot of puzzling and seemingly inconsistent data, which it is a load on her higher processes (the seriatim) to unravel, and she fears she may be lost in incomprehension this exacerbated if her questions - or similar questions by schizo type people - are not answered in a truthful straightforward manner preferably by someone who understands whatever subject is in question, knows the facts and is willing to explain (or rather state the facts at a suitable level of abstraction according to the explainee, but with little embellishment). (Unfortunately under the influence of certain drugs I embellish too much and a lot of words get exchanged with Dawn which give her even more than me a headache.)

08/09/07 18:03

My head is clearing now, and as you see from the above I have not been very far-gone this afternoon. As soon as I suspected the coffee I tipped the rest - at least half the cup - away. It is almost certainly the coffee (or the water) which contained the drug, and the coffee granules were bought yesterday at Sainsbury’s Doncaster and may have been left unattended, but only for an hour or two when we went shopping yesterday afternoon in Harworth. The marg used at lunch-time today bought today at Sainsbury’s in Doncaster is most unlikely to be drugged, as are the canned veg we had. Other items as I said - the bread, even - might be suspect as having been bought a while ago under circumstances I cannot recall, but most suspect by far are the coffee granules and the water.

08/09/07 18:11

Dawn has drunk her coffee - a full cup - in the past half-hour say, and I am surprised that she is much calmer. This almost makes me suppose a parallel with my own ‘calmness’ or rather the clearing of my head, but I think probably the parallel is illusory. I am tempted to suppose that Dawn’s calmness is due to ASM in the tapwater used for her coffee (bottled water was used for mine) but in that case the squash she drank immediately prior - also made with tapwater - contained in the squash itself perhaps amphetamine or some cocktail of drugs possibly including the presumed barbiturate.

Dawn reports that with her lunch she had bread and butter prepared yesterday, and this may explain her relative vehemence immediately after lunch compared to now. It may in fact be that the left-overs from yesterday which we had for lunch today have been drugged by illicit entrants. This would have the advantage of a known dosage being given - or rather a maximum, as we might not have eaten it all - especially helpful if the drug is a barbiturate which in too great a dosage can kill. It would also explain the fact that visitors eat and drink with us unconcerned, knowing only to come when the foods are not drugged evidently.

The honey the other evening could have been drugged recently by illicit entrants, rather than - as I supposed - left over by accident from an earlier date.

Of course something taken this morning contained a higher dosage of the drug, and possibly therefore I am to suspect the M + S butter (drugged by illicit entrants since purchase, I mean); possibly small dosages are put into foods - or meals left for a second day, say - as a confusional tactic.

I am becoming too elaborate here with insufficient overall sensible organisation of my ideas. Almost certainly the marg used by Dawn at lunch today (for herself) was drugged, because I myself sampled it the other day - I believe in fact it originated from Harworth Co-op. Some of the water I used around lunch-time for coffee was from a big bottle I somewhat suspected, but only suspect because it had been left unattended I think. In fact - although my memory is unclear - I seem to remember using the same water with hot chocolate recently and concluding it was drugged then, either the hot chocolate powder or the water. The best thing is to look back at what I had to say on the day of the hot chocolate. That was the day after I chucked an almost full jar of coffee because of drug effects which I attributed to it.

08/09/07 18:43

The water, I find, is water bought at M + S and (1) I recall being puzzled by the discrepancy in sizes of two bottles I bought (1.5l and 2l), and (2) I conclude few people buy milk and probably few buy water at M + S. Drinks bought at M + S Worcester previously have almost certainly contained drugs (eg tonic water). The water from the wash-basin tap in the toilets at M + S Doncaster, even, is suspect.

It is so difficult to believe illicit entry is an often-employed tactic (and it is relatively easily detected, eg simply by leaving my sound-recording MP3 player lying somewhere hidden, for up to six hours or more I find by experimentation) that I prefer the theory that water from M + S and Stork marg from the Co-op are drugged, and happen to have been used in coincidence. If it is the M + S water which is drugged, then quite possibly the cup of coffee Dawn drank this afternoon (made with tapwater) was innocent (I don’t know about the squash).

08/09/07 18:55

The M + S butter might be drugged, explaining my reaction this morning. Flooding M + S with false shoppers (which evidently has been done when we have been there recently on weekdays, from the number of them) would mean genuine shoppers buying butter (or whatever) could easily be singled out (and genuine shoppers might be discouraged anyway by the crowds, although what M + S think of the effect if it were to go on, the effect on their true customers’ regard, I cannot tell).

08/09/07 20:42

Dawn’s budgeting exercise leads her to think she must try to get a job. She and I both seem undrugged at present, although for myself I seem rather subdued if not lethargic. I had no butter or marg at tea-time, and plain water (Sainsbury’s water bought I think yesterday) not coffee. Dawn had marg on her bread, and drank squash.

She seems to be capable of planning and trying to think up ‘creative’ solutions, eg could she get a re-training grant or similar to go to College?

08/09/07 20:57

I’m wondering actually if there is some ASM acting on me, because I am completely devoid of enthusiasm for anything to do, and devoid of interest in thinking things out as worthwhile. Dawn also seems to be slowing down and becoming repetitive in her thinking (in fact I wonder if the whole idea of thinking she should ‘pay her way’ and get a job or go to College has been suggested to her by ‘hypnotic’ voices during her sleep).

This morning on the bus to Doncaster I was thinking thoughts rapidly, although they seemed fairly inconsequential thoughts, and I wonder in fact if the whole of today’s drugging I have suffered originated perhaps in the Red Bull I drank first thing (possibly with nighttime voicers still sounding in my ears). Or on top of the ASM in the Red Bull (on the analogy of what happened the other day) I suffered also confusional barbiturate.

I think it very likely I have suffered drugging with ASM and am therefore inclined to destroy all notes of it in the presumption it is done for the sake of my commentary on it. All I need to relate is that I do not want to be given ASM. Is it possible it may not be ASM but because I fear it may be, I am considering the step of destroying information? That would mean that I reject the present drug (whatever it is) because I so much fear modern-day ASM which I wish to disincline Them to give, presumably on the basis of what I have suffered in the past even though the modern drugs are considerably different - along the lines Dr G seemed to believe, that if I got to know that a modern-day antischizophrenic drug did not have the horrendous ‘side-effects’ of the past eg akathisia, I would not fear and reject it.

I must say the dosage of this present presumed ASM must be low, but on the other hand I am only developing enthusiasm to write - to do anything - by virtue of hatred of ASM (plus necessarily a conviction this is ASM). I am wholly distracted from what I so much enjoy - computer programming - and as I say apart from stating that I detest ASM and do not want this present drug because it deprives me of any interest in life, nothing seems worthwhile (except what could be regarded as slightly different, that is to seek to determine if it is ASM).

About forty minutes ago lying on the settee talking to Dawn about her budgeting - and in doing that it is proved that my own inward cogitative interests had disappeared (previously I had been interested in computing matters, although only to do with backing-up and getting a perfectly working system) and I had turned to her interests - when I became stilled and tranquil (which at the time I thought might perhaps be the start of another bout of barbiturate effects). My presumption must be that the ASM was in my tea-time meal: probably that it was specially put in by illicit entrants. Dawn also is stilled, so my conclusion is that the drug - and the drugs in the dinner - were in something we both took by mouth the same, and therefore not in the Sainsbury’s bottled water (which Dawn did not take: nor did she take any Red Bull earlier) nor the marg (which I did not take). Most suspect - as the most homogeneous food item we both ate, and ate in approximately equal amounts - is the quiche, of which half remains.

08/09/07 21:29

I do not feel angry, the reason being - because I know I should feel angry, to be taken advantage of thus (but still I live in hopes that money will be paid to us) - that I am stilled. Also I seem to find support for theorising I have done recently, that under ASM (as now) I do not feel angry at having been prevented from accomplishing my aims because the aims seem not worthwhile, and there seem no worthwhile aims to be developed. (Likewise Dawn is becoming very vague and faint in her feeling she may take employment, and understanding we could manage to live on our savings - as I have been planning to and budgeting for.)

Dawn being affected by the barbiturate this afternoon, she would decide what to suggest for tea not on her own planning or on discussing matters with me (and anyway I too was under the influence) but rather based on preceding nighttime advice. My guess is that what happened this morning is something I took by mouth - quite possibly the Red Bull - contained stimulant plus barbiturate-like sedative, which had the result that I wrote somewhat frenzied notes on the bus to Doncaster: but the main basis was that I should be in such a condition later in the day as to be easily swayed, eg in deciding what to eat (and of course I ask myself to what extent my purchases at Sainsbury’s this morning were sound). I can see too the influence the same drugs - stimulant plus barbiturate - had on Dawn this morning, the stimulant affecting her the more, both in her toilet needs and in her agitated and angry language output. Considering what we both drank the same this morning, I conjecture the Nescafé Gold Blend from Sainsbury’s Doncaster (bought on a day when like M + S - in fact the same day - it was flooded with false customers) is what contains the drugs, and in fact the coffee may contain also the ASM (this based on my guess that Dawn has been suffering similar drugs over the past months through the tapwater equivalent to the drugs I am lately not succeeding in evading due to the heavy policy of the Authorities in Doncaster shops). My guess, now I think, would be that the chucking-away of the previous coffee granules was suggested ‘hypnotically’.

08/09/07 22:44

I find it very odd that the light on the Maxtor portable hard drive flashes most of the time it is connected to the Amilo Pro. My guess would still be that information is surreptitiously being cached, even though I have recovered the Amilo Pro system. I have my suspicions about the supposed Synaptics touchpad software I installed, I think before the system backup of Tuesday 14 August 2007.

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09/09/07 05:10 [Sunday]

I woke up about ten minutes ago and got up within five minutes of that. I have a bit of a headache, and nasal congestion, and my eyes feel sore and bleary at the same time. My bowels feel slightly sore and I am troubled with internal wind, although it isn’t trapped wind and I don’t feel bloated. The spectacles on the bridge of my nose feel to be slightly irritating the skin. I have had twinges of cramp, mainly in the left calf muscle, which is unusual lately as when I have had cramp it has been in the right calf.

09/09/07 05:20

Because we expected Dawn’s son to stop overnight last night and I suspected he was to come to gather information for the Authorities (although in the event he did not come) I set my sound-activated MP3 recorder going about 10.30 pm last night. Dawn and I went to bed about midnight. The audio recording Properties say its length is about thirteen minutes.

09/09/07 05:49

Writing computer programs is a good test of clarity of internal envisagement and capacity to organise internal envisagements. The internal envisagement in question consists of black boxes each with inputs and outputs, and complex programming tasks require envisagement of many such black boxes simultaneously, which increases the processing cost of organising them (to be able to envisage many at once I think is a different matter from being able to organise the envisagement of many at once). The black boxes in the computer programming case correspond closely with procedures the computer can execute, except that each single statement in a program is to be regarded as a procedure (as in reality it is, needing to be translated into a lower-level sequence the computer can execute). The black boxes almost certainly are modelled by neurons, or collections of neurons perhaps although not collections with a large amount of internal structure, and the inputs and outputs by transmissions across synapses. This makes easy to understand (as an aside) why the development of ‘high level’ computer programming languages has made it possible for more people to write computer programs, that is not only people with extremely well-resolved internal envisagement plus capacity to organise it: the computer itself ‘organises’ the putting-together of certain often-occurring combinations of black boxes, which it’s true a good programmer could do anyway by building procedures out of sub-procedures in a hierarchy, but to have it already done by the designers of the programming language eases the task.

Black boxes with inputs and outputs represented by neurons (or small collections of neurons) parallel the more specific case of the neural representation of causality. The inputs correspond to the antecedents which are learnt to be relevant in a particular causal sequence, and the outputs show the possible consequents. Games such as chess are evidently represented in the same way within the player’s brain: moving a piece corresponds to following a one-link chain from antecedent to consequent, and moves can be concatenated to form a sequence one of many such possible sequences the holding in mind of which (when there are very many requiring comparison between themselves) raises a very great processing task of organisation, ie organisation of internal envisagements.

There are going to be internal envisagements of species other than the black-box type mentioned: for example there are internal envisagements of visual schemes with colours and shapes, and internal envisagement of emotions (à la Charlotte Brontë); also internal envisagements of sequences of sounds (à la Ludwig van Beethoven). It strikes me the species raising the greatest processing requirement is likely to be the black-box species, and this may have something to do with the fact (I read) that men are more liable to schizophrenia than women: men are (on average) more concerned with causal sequences and their employment for task achievement, that is the effectuating of Will.

All that commentary came out of the fact that having discovered a flaw (soon after the 05:20 diary entry) in my Rich Text Editor recently revised, my mind was not immediately clear enough to resolve the bug, but became so corresponding to the waking after a lag of the seriatim and with the bleariness clearing (leaving just a headache without nasal congestion or sore or tired eyes: although my throat remains sore). It must surely be that this lagging of the seriatim is a residue of ASM affecting me yesterday, and not say barbiturate.

09/09/07 06:34

I have taken two Alka Seltzer. Dawn has now got up.

09/09/07 06:52

I feel quicker and more alert. This may be a continuation of the effect of the seriatim waking up (and prior to the Alka Seltzer I had taken nothing by mouth: now I have started on a hot chocolate made with the same water as used for the Alka Seltzer, bottled water in the 500ml size bought at Sainsbury’s recently, possibly, now I think, on the day Sainsbury’s in Doncaster was chock-a-block with false shoppers when I bought the Nescafé I had guessed yesterday was the culprit foodstuff containing the drugs).

The soreness of my bowels corresponded I’m sure to constipation, that is insufficient digestive action of the gut. If my bowels now get going it will be evidence the water contains a stimulant drug (I have as yet drunk hardly any of the hot chocolate and it seems unlikely the Alka Seltzer tablets retained now for a long while shut away will be drugged).

About the last thing I did last night as we were waiting for Dawn’s son was to install the PB from a suspect XP install CD: suspect because the markings on the CD have faded into almost invisibility, and the hologram does not show the word Genuine alternating with Microsoft. This particular flawed XP CD seems flawed in its internet capability: when it checks for an internet connection, the install does not come up with the option of a dial-up modem, but only DSL or LAN. Presumably it does not detect any internal modem. This presumably goes back to the days in 2005 when the Authorities were making it difficult for me to get on the internet (a puzzling policy, I must say).